Will and Grace s10e10 Episode Script

Dead Man Texting

1 "Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Okay, obviously it's a big day tomorrow.
[TOGETHER] Hm? And I don't know what you have planned for my birthday [TOGETHER] Uh.
But we have to postpone.
Oh, it was good, wasn't it? Did you get me something really good? - We did but we could just - Get our deposit back on the - Massage chair.
- Unicorn.
A unicorn massage chair? I thought those got recalled because of the lawsuits.
You guys, that is genius.
You guys are the best.
But I've got problems that even a unicorn massage chair couldn't solve.
It's Karen and Estefan.
They hate each other.
Wait, since when? She called him the one thing you can never call a flight attendant A sky waitress.
And he called her the one thing you can never call Karen Walker, a hag.
Sure, it's okay to say it to some Why are you looking at me? Because you're my hag.
When did we stop using the word "friends"? Okay, fine.
You're my friend's hag.
Anyway, luckily, Estefan is working the LaGuardia/Paris, Paris/Hong Kong, Hong Kong/ Sydney, Sydney/Fiji, Fiji/Dallas, Dallas/Des Moines, Des Moines/LaGuardia leg this week, so Karen has me all to herself for my birthday.
Oh, can't you guys just talk it out? Oh, no, they can't even be in the same room together.
They're like Peanut Butter and Chocolate.
Those two dogs downstairs who hate each other.
Fortunately I can keep them separate with my new app.
It beeps whenever either one of them is within 100 feet of me.
See? Oh, look, there's Karen.
Twenty feet.
- [BEEPING] - Fifteen feet.
Twenty feet? Ah, she forgot which apartment you're in again.
[SCREAMING] Karen, it's 9C.
Oh, hi, kids.
Oh, I like the new place.
Poodle, I just ordered your birthday present and I think you're going to love it.
I hope it's not a unicorn massage chair, because that's what they got me.
[LAUGHING] A unicorn massage chair that's ridiculous.
Does yours talk? [UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC] Stop making a fist.
Everything all right? You're usually so much smarter than a toddler.
I just found out that the head of my department isn't going to approve me for a full time teaching position.
He's got this idea in his head that I'm some rich corporate lawyer that just wants to teach because it sounds good at cocktail parties.
Well, you do bring it up a lot at cocktail parties.
I'm tired of talking about gluten and Putin.
You know, one thing that I've learned since I've entered the world of politics You are not in the world of politics.
I'm running for president of the New York society of interior designers.
Are you saying that's not politics? I believe I just did.
It's politics.
And I learned that it all comes down to changing perceptions.
So this guy thinks that you're uptight and robotic.
I never said that.
He never said that.
No one ever said that.
[ROBOTICALLY] I never said that.
He never said that.
Nobody ever said that.
Will, you have got to humanize yourself.
Invite this guy over for dinner.
Be vulnerable.
And whenever you can, cry.
I'm not gonna cry, but dinner is not a bad idea.
Give me some one-on-one time.
You know, let him know how serious I am about teaching.
Great, and when that does nothing, tell him about how you killed your dog and then cry like a baby.
I did not kill Belvedere.
He ran into the road after a squirrel.
Did the squirrel leave the door open? First of all, I was seven.
Second of all, I was airing out the living room after hot gluing rosettes to a table skirt.
How did you not come out until college? I still can't believe you got us into the Lily Pond New York's premiere pond-themed restaurant.
Stan and I used to come here all the time.
After we split up, I got all the restaurants with a Michelin star and he got all the ones with the word "bucket" in it.
Okay, honey, BRB, I'm gonna go powder the inside of my nose.
[TRACKER APP BEEPING] Wait, why is oh, no.
Hello, my sweet churrito.
I found you.
What are you doing here? I thought you were working.
Well, Jack, I couldn't miss your birthday.
So I asked Silvio to work my Paris/Hong Kong, Hong Kong/Sydney, Sydney/Fiji, Fiji/Dallas, Dallas/Des Moines, Des Moines/LaGuardia leg.
And in return, I will work his Trenton to Cincinnati Cincinnati to Trenton, Trenton to Cincinnati.
Wait, why are there two plates here? Oh, uh, because every birthday I set a plate for Cher.
One day she will come back to me.
You have to believe.
Oh, wait, on second thought, Cher won't like the lighting there.
Yeah, she likes it [AS CHER] dark-lit, oh.
And I looked out at the class and I realized, wow, I really am changing these student's lives.
That's when I knew teaching was for me.
So you didn't know you wanted to teach until you were already doing it? What I meant was that was the moment it solidified.
So it was more of an afterthought than a calling like it is for so many of us.
I wouldn't say it was never a calling.
You know who never came a-calling? Will's dog, Belvedere.
I don't think this is the time Left the door open.
Cement truck.
Never saw it coming.
Can you bring me a couple of menus for that table? I'll be sitting at both.
Long story, but the two people I'm dining with can't know the other one is here.
They'd hate each other.
I know, it's so cliché.
You don't remember me, do you? Oh, of course I do.
Give me a clue.
I'm Rex.
We went out last year.
Little more.
We slept together.
You said you'd call and you never did.
Yeah, I'm gonna need a little more than that.
We went to my parent's house for Christmas.
Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
Would you ever forgive me, Johnny? I already said my name was Rex.
Yeah, I'm in the middle of a thing, Johnny.
Sorry, can't talk right now.
I think what she's trying to say is that through adversity I've learned that what I really want to do is make a difference in people's lives.
You know where else Will felt different? Tell him about the chin-up contest in the red jazz shoes.
As an African-American man, I can appreciate you've had obstacles to overcome like doing chin-ups in red shoes.
[PHONE CHIMES] Excuse me, this is my wife.
What the hell are you doing? I am trying to help you make a good impression.
Oh, right, because who better to teach contract law than a guy who kills dogs and wears Capezios.
I know, I could pull out one of your nose hairs.
Good luck finding one.
And no, I am not going to cry, Grace.
I can turn this around.
I just need more time with him.
[THUDDING] - Professor Rice? - Oh, my God.
Are you okay? I don't know if he's breathing.
Check his pulse.
Go, do it! Will.
I think he's dead.
Oh, no.
[GASPS] You Belvedere'd him.
Honey, sorry it took me so long.
A woman was choking in the bathroom.
Took me forever to get around her.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, don't sit there, don't sit there.
You'd be sitting next to a table full of office gals sharing appetizers.
Ugh, the worst.
[MOCKING] It's wine-o-clock.
Happy hump day.
Oh, honey, I'm so glad it's just the two of us.
And I am also so glad it's just the two of us because why would there be more than two? Who would that third person even be? I've gotta pee.
Thank you.
Okay, the ambulance is on its way.
I can't believe this is happening.
I know.
Wait, wait, wait, what about his wife? We have to call her.
Get his phone from inside his jacket.
Ew, no.
Why should I do it? Your fingerprints are all over him.
Why drag me down with you? I don't have a motive, you do.
Ugh, I can't believe a man just died in our apartment.
You see, that kind of emotion could have been a little helpful a little earlier.
I am so happy that it's just the two of us tonight.
And I am also so glad it's just the two of us tonight because why would there be more than two? I mean, who would that third person even be? [LAUGHING] You have to pee.
I do? I do.
I'll lift up his jacket and you grab it with the ice tongs.
- Ugh, so creepy, so creepy - Ugh, I hate this - I hate this, I hate this.
- So creepy.
- Okay, I got it.
I got it.
- [PHONE CHIRPS] [SCREAMING] Dead guy's phone.
Okay, sorry, I'm having such a good time tonight and I hope it never ends.
Should I call us a Lyft? What? No, it's present time.
I didn't have time to wrap it, so I just stuffed it between my boobs.
Oh, okay.
[GASPING] Off the rack.
Oh, Karen, I love it.
Thank you so much.
This one tells the minutes, but this one Karen, I know how to tell time.
Wait, where are Mickey's gloves? Oh, there's a text.
"Henry, what's your decision on Will Truman?" Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Grace, we can't.
- But we could.
- You're insane.
- And he's dead.
So we could.
- Grace.
- Okay, look, look.
All we have to do is reply with a text saying that he recommends you for the job.
We can't.
Can we? Oh, thank you, lover.
I had not relieved myself since Dubai.
So before you open your present okay.
It's an ascot.
You can imagine it is my small silken hands caressing your neck and gently choking you.
I love it, I love it.
I'm gonna go walk around see how it catches the light.
BOTH: Happy birthday to you [SHUSHING] Not now! BOTH: Happy birthday to you ALL: Happy birthday, dear Jack What part of "shh" do you not understand? Honey, your cake is here.
Chorizo, your cake is here.
[GASPS] Her.
Okay, send the text, put the phone back, and then we'll go back to being people who don't do things to dead people.
It's locked.
We need his thumb to open it.
- Okay, fine.
- Where are you going? To get the kitchen shears.
Five seconds ago, you wouldn't touch a dead body.
Now you want to dismember him? Just the thumb.
Damn it, it only unlocks with a retina scan.
We couldn't.
That crosses a line.
Will, we're going to hell.
It doesn't matter what level.
You pry open his eyelid.
I'll press the phone to his face.
I've got a better idea.
You want me to get the melon baller? No, Hannibal.
You pry open his eye.
- Oh, man up, Mary.
- Okay, okay.
I'm in.
- "It's a yes on Will Truman.
" - Perfect.
"And let's donate to Grace Adler's campaign.
" Did you actually just type that? No, it's called gallows humor, Will.
Delete, delete, delete, delete.
Ambulance will be here soon.
Poor guy.
At least one good thing will come out of this.
- You get to keep your promotion.
- Yeah, that's true.
And then we can just put this whole nightmare behind Ahh! [SCREAMING] You're alive.
Oh, no, did I pass out? It happens sometimes.
My blood pressure drops dangerously low and I'm fine.
Little embarrassed, but I'm fine.
I just need to splash cold water on my face.
- You realize what this means? - Yes.
We just witnessed a man coming back from the dead.
He was never dead.
Then I don't realize what this means.
My phone - Oh.
- [GROANS] [JAZZ MUSIC] You didn't tell me your Mexican jumping queen was gonna be here.
And you did not tell me you invited this withered wino.
Gin mummy.
Okay, enough, you guys.
Stop it.
Sit down.
Sit! It is my birthday.
Can't you just get along for me? Damn it, I should have wished that.
But I do want to be invisible.
No, I said it out loud! That's why you can see me.
The point is, I want you two to stop acting like children.
She's the one who started it.
Shut your paella-hole, sky waitress.
[GASPS] I will not, you hag.
There is only one person who is allowed to call me a hag and you certainly don't look like Madeleine Albright.
[GRUNTS] You can't be doing this.
Neither of you is wearing waterproof mascara.
You're going down, chimichanga.
You guys, people are starting to notice.
I got you, Karen.
I got you.
I'm sorry, the three of you are going to have to get out of the lily pond.
But there's only two people in the lily pond.
You checked his pulse.
You said he was dead.
I did the thing they do on "SVU.
" I picked up his wrist and I said, "He's dead.
" He's gonna know we used his phone.
What am I going to do? Okay, okay, okay.
How about we accuse him of doing exactly what we did to confuse him? It works in politics.
That's the dumbest idea I ever heard.
Did you send a text from my phone when you thought I was dead? No, you sent a text from our phones when you thought we were dead.
What? There was a text on my phone that I did not send, offering a full-time position to you and a campaign contribution to you.
If you donate more than $50, you get a free tote.
- I know this looks bad.
- Wait.
How did you bypass the optical scanner? Oh, my God.
Did you pull back my eyelid? Yes, I did.
I did.
And and I know that's bad.
That was bad.
But in Will's defense Go ahead.
Go ahead, Will.
That's how far I'd go to keep this job.
I see.
You're fired, obviously.
Good night.
Uh, Professor Rice, just wait.
Look, for for what it's worth I've felt more in love with the law these last few months teaching than I-I did in 20 years as a practicing lawyer.
And I that's more personal, I guess, than I realized.
I wouldn't do it if I didn't passionately believe that it was the right thing to do.
Are you crying? No, I'm sorry.
I just, it's, uh It means a lot to me.
I didn't realize you felt so deeply, Truman.
I've got to admit, I thought you were Uptight and robotic? I wasn't going to use either of those words.
Others have, but go on.
I guess I was wrong about you.
It seems you do care about teaching.
All right, Truman.
Maybe I'm still a little lightheaded, but I'm willing to give you a second chance.
Thank you, professor.
I will not disappoint you.
And in return, I trust you will be discreet about my little incident.
What little incident? Oh, he's talking about when he passed out and then we thought that oh.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Jazz shoes optional.
Nice fake tears.
I told you it would work.
Yeah, pretending to cry was a great idea.
[SNIFFS] Congratulations.
Thank you.
Aren't you glad we didn't melon ball his eyes out? I'm sorry, Jack.
He's sorry.
[HISSING] Stop it! Do you realize how much this fighting hurts me? Si.
And how does that make you feel? Sorry.
And if Karen hadn't paid them off, what do you think the restaurant would have done? Sue.
Now I'm going to talk to Karen.
You go in there and make yourself look pretty.
I wanna live stream.
Come on, Karen.
You're not mad at that whole hag thing.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
Go flip your Spanish omelet.
Stop it.
It's my birthday.
Yeah, well, now you've got someone else to share your birthdays with.
O M God.
You're afraid of losing me.
I ain't afraid of nothing.
I guess I'm wrong.
I need you in my life.
Me getting married isn't going to ruin anything between us.
- It will.
- It won't.
You're not losing a homo.
You're gaining a homo.
You know, you're right.
Now I'll have one to play with when you're in the wash.
Okay, all right, honey.
You got someone waiting for you.
I'll see you later.
Oh, wait, Karen.
Do you want to come in and run the camera for the live stream? Yeah, I'd like that.
Happy birthday, Jack.