Will and Grace s10e11 Episode Script

The Scales of Justice

1 "Will & Grace" was recorded in front - of a live studio audience.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS] Ugh, I can't believe how full I am.
This food baby's daddy better make an honest woman out of me.
I've never felt so bloated in my life.
A little less bloated now than you were when you got on the elevator.
That wasn't me.
That was Karen's dog.
- How dare you.
- [DOG GROWLS] Shu Shu Fontana is a woman of quality.
She only lets it rip in the staff quarters.
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC] Why is there a paused video of a man playing a ukulele on here? Is it possible your taste in porn has gotten even sadder? It's a YouTube tutorial.
I'm starting a new semester tomorrow.
I wanna spice it up a little, connect with the kids.
By playing ukulele? Aren't you worried they might think you're a little too cool? I'm doing it ironically, but also kind of unironically.
It's post-ironic, you know what I mean? Do you know what you mean? He's freaking out because he got a couple of negative comments on his faculty profile.
I'm not freaking out, and we are not gonna read them aloud.
"Always prepared and responsible, but lacked spontaneity.
" Huh.
That sounds exactly like your Grindr profile.
Better than "STD-free for 14 days.
" I wish.
Low marks for fun and accessibility.
That's not me.
That's just because legal ethics is so dry.
Ooh, you know what you should do to spice things up? Make it like Judge Judy.
I should make my law class at Columbia Law School like Judge Judy? I'm not gonna stoop to some lame classroom stunt just so my students will like me more.
Like playing a sad, tiny guitar? How about you don't tell me how to do my job, and I won't tell you how to watch videos all day - with your mouth open.
- [UKULELE STRUMS] Uh, I have a part-time job which I forgot to go to today.
Oh, well [CHUCKLES] I'm gonna put this cannoli in the refrigerator - unless you want it.
- Oh, I'm stuffed.
- You go ahead.
- Oh, God.
I couldn't eat another bite.
Please.
Oh, well, if you insist.
[PANTS RIPPING] What was that? Somebody's pants just ripped.
- I'm scared to look.
- Me too.
We could check each other's.
It was you.
It was also you.
- And you ripped your underwear.
- I'm not wearing underwear.
Oh, God! And that's the Sylla bus [UKULELE STRUMS GENTLY] And that is just a taste of some of the fun we're gonna have in class this semester spontaneous fun.
I didn't even know this ukulele was here [CHUCKLES] All right, look [STAMMERS, SIGHS] I know the ins and outs of Advanced Torts can be a bit of a snooze, but I've got two words.
I'm gonna wake you guys up.
"Mock Trial.
" Huh? I got I got three more words for you.
We're gonna do that mock trial Judge Judy-style.
- [STUDENTS CHATTERING] - Right? - Right? - [BELL RINGS] Hey, hey, your assignment for next week is to come up with a compelling tort that we can really sink our teeth into a savory tort, if you will.
[LAUGHS] Get out of here, you nuts.
- Sorry, I'm leaving.
- Oh, no rush.
Good first day, huh? What'd you think of the ukulele, or as they pronounce it in Hawaii, "ooh-ku-le-le.
" You know me, by the way.
I sort of recognize you.
Help me out.
Picture me this tall standing next to a drunk woman who's having two maids arm wrestle for their dinner.
You're Karen's stepdaughter! Oh, my God, Olivia.
Wow, it's nice to see you.
Nice to see you too [CHUCKLES] But Karen's not in my life anymore.
Said with love she's dead to me.
I'm cool with it I mean, as cool as I can be about something that's not cool.
Okay, okay, well, we don't have to talk about it.
Let's just have a good semester together.
Yeah, sure.
So, how is she? I mean, does she still sleep in a casket and live off the blood of villagers? It really wouldn't be appropriate for me to answer that question, but yes.
I shouldn't have said that.
It's misogynistic to refer to women as monsters or associated with the occult.
I should've just called her a bitch.
I'll tell her you said hi.
[BELL RINGS] Okay.
Are we sure we wanna do this? Have my naked body critiqued by a bitchy gay guy? It's like every date I ever went on in college.
I can handle it.
Fair enough, though I should warn you I always have a gentleman's boner in case of emergencies.
Good to know.
Open wide.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
You have less body hair than I do.
[SCOFFS] Forget it.
I'm not doing this.
- Jack - Me shy.
Jack, you're getting married in a couple of months.
You're gonna be in a room full of gay men who are only there to gossip about how bad you look.
Ugh, why did I invite my closest friends? And you need to be skinny because? I'm a woman who's alive.
[MELLOW PIANO MUSIC] Hey.
Grace here? And who may I say is calling? Just tell her I got all the diet books that she wanted, except for "Bleed the Weight Out," which was pulled for being medically unsafe.
That's not a real martini, is it? She's a dog, Will.
It's a gimlet.
What kind of mother do you think I am? Based on that, a delusional one.
Okay.
You know, I wasn't gonna bring it up, but I had my first torts class today, and Olivia was there.
- Olivia? - Yeah.
Why didn't you tell me she was at Columbia? Because I didn't know.
We're not speaking.
She refuses to give me back my black heart.
Pretty sure you've still got that.
I am talking about my heart-shaped black diamond necklace.
After the divorce, I realized that she still had it, and now she won't give it back.
So, what do you wear on Casual Fridays? My grandmother gave that necklace to my mother.
My mother gave it to me, and one day, I am going to give it to Shu Shu.
You're my only daughter, and I couldn't be happier.
Answer your mother when she speaks to you.
Uh sorry if I struck a nerve.
Just tell Grace that I dropped the books off.
And you are? - Hey, lady.
- Hi.
Mind if I join you? I'm having my mid-morning snack.
Ooh, whatcha having? It is a carrot dipped in soda water.
- I call it carrot fizz.
- Oh.
It's really satisfying if you eat a roll of toilet paper first.
You know, this whole dieting thing - isn't as hard as I thought.
- I know, right? So, what did you have for breakfast? Um, I swallowed my gum and watched "Chef's Table.
" It was great, and I'm totally satisfied.
I don't miss eating either.
For breakfast, I had half a grapefruit and a few of those leaves left at the bottom of a bag of grapefruit.
Oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are those? Oh, I could put a couple of croutons in my salad.
Um, no, you can't.
Those croutons are going right to your "bouton.
" You're right.
Why sabotage myself? I am throwing them away.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Oh, I think you spilled a little bit of your carrot fizz.
Grace, no! No! Please! Please! It wants to eat! We're never gonna change if we cheat.
[WHIMPERING] No! Jack, no! I ju I'd give anything for a piece of stale bread! I don't get to cheat, you don't get to cheat.
Fine [HUFFS] Hey, how about this? We each take a lick.
[EXHALES] Just to get the taste, the soul of the crouton.
Yes! And then we throw it away.
And there's no calories gained.
But all the joy and satisfaction.
- I like it! - Okay, good.
- Okay, ready? - Ready.
- Lick on three.
- Okay.
One, two, three.
- [CROUTONS CLINKING] - BOTH: Oh.
[SIGHS] - That was really satisfying.
- Oh, yeah.
Although, I don't think I got the right mix of herb and cheese.
Should we maybe do another one? We have to.
Okay.
- On three.
- Yeah.
One, two, three.
[CROUTONS CLINKING] BOTH: [SIGHS] [CROUTONS CLINKING] We're missing a clink.
[BOWL CLINKS] [MUFFLED] There it is.
- You ate one.
- Not yet.
Release it! Drop it, drop it! - [GROWLS] - Drop it! What is the matter with you? It was one crouton! I thought you were stronger than that, Grace.
Have a little self-restraint! Now look what you made me do.
Why am I so weak, and more importantly, why didn't we play that game with egg rolls? Jack! Jack! No, no! I'm weak too, Grace.
I'm weak, fat, and lazy! I'm America! [BEETHOVEN'S "SYMPHONY NO.
5" PLAYING ON PHONE] Thank you, bailiff.
Hello, everyone.
Welcome to my courtroom.
And remember, don't give me beef jerky and expect me to blow bubbles.
[CHUCKLES] Guys, it's okay to laugh at the Judy-isms.
Sorry, Heschel.
I should've said "Judge Judy-isms.
" Okay, okay, okay, so, I wanna be home eating my soup, in my slippers by 3:30.
Let's hear what cases you've come up with.
Come on, you guys.
This isn't gonna be fun unless we come up with something really juicy.
Oh, I've got a case that's got the word "juicy" written all over it, in capital letters like the ass on an easy girl's sweatpants.
Are you seriously here right now? You stole my necklace.
I didn't steal anything.
You gave me that necklace.
I lent you that necklace.
You gave it to me, but you were probably too busy yelling at maids and giving up on your marriage to remember.
I was never too busy to yell at a maid.
Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've found our case.
[PENSIVE PIANO MUSIC] Wow, just one week of starving ourselves and taking the stairs, and I feel like a whole new man.
I'm getting used to the lightheadedness.
It's kind of like being stoned, but with none of the laughing, or snacking, or joy.
It'll all be worth it at the weigh-in.
Remember, if we each lost at least two pounds, we get to stand outside of McDonald's and take three deep breaths.
This has been a tough week, but we got through it.
- Yeah.
- I'm really proud of us, Jack.
- I'm proud of us too.
- [WHIMPERS] [ELEVATOR DINGS] Hi, we're raising money for our school choir.
Would you like to buy a candy bar? Would you like to never see your families again? You may have ruined your mother's body, but you're not gonna ruin mine.
- We're doing great.
- I'm not even hungry.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC] Court is in session.
Today's case Walker v.
Walker.
The plaintiff claims defendant stole a diamond necklace.
Defendant, how do you respond? I didn't steal it.
She gave it to me.
I remember because when I told Rosario, she said, "That doesn't sound like your drunken witch of a stepmother.
" Exactly, she knew it was out of character for me.
Judge, I'd like to call Rosario to the stand.
Rosario's dead.
Oh, that one's always got an excuse.
I would like to bring to the court's attention that she doesn't even know who's dead or not.
I let you borrow that necklace because I was being nice like I always was.
- Objection.
- Sustained.
Oh.
Based on what? I know you.
I was nice! What about the time you grounded me for drinking? - A lot of parents do that.
- For not drinking enough? What kind of sixth grader can't finish a shot? I mean, Jagermeister? It's practically like candy.
I give it out for Halloween.
You're both mixing up your personal issues with the legal one.
Now, defendant, it sounds like there was an expectation that the necklace would be returned.
Don't get your foot caught in the escalator and expect me to take the stairs.
Good one, sir.
I'm not giving it back.
Do you see how spiteful she is? Rotten kid.
She probably doesn't even know where it is anymore.
- I know where it is.
- No, you don't.
- I do, too.
- Then where is it? None of your business.
Defendant, answer the question.
Where's the necklace? I'm wearing it.
Well, I must be flying a kite in the rain, 'cause this just got electric.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC] She stole my necklace.
I demand biblical justice.
Cut off her hair.
She's trying to take back something she already gave me, which used to be called Indian giving, but has yet to be given a new culturally-acceptable name.
The property law in question here is pretty black and white.
I've had this necklace since high school.
She could've asked for it back anytime.
She's doing it now for spite.
That might be true, but again, it's not a legal argument.
I'm sorry, Olivia, but I'm gonna have to find in favor of Karen.
It's been in her family for generations, and it was a gift from her mother.
And I thought it was a gift from my mother.
- What did you just say? - Nothing.
- Did you just call me - Just forget it, okay? Fine.
It's forgotten.
So, is class over, or No, it is not over.
Screw this.
Look, look, yes, the law is black and white, but emotions are not.
People are complicated.
Now, we pretend to be motivated by one thing, when really, it's something much more personal like me.
I mean, this whole Judge Judy thing I only did it because my feelings got hurt by a few negative reviews.
Bet none you knew that.
I'm pretty sure everybody knew that.
The point is, James, sometimes, if you get to the bottom of an emotional conflict, the legal dispute takes care of itself.
Olivia, I've known you since you were a child, and Karen, you're my friend for 20 years.
This isn't about a necklace.
Talk to each other.
- I don't wanna! - She started it.
Come on.
I can see you wanna be in each other's lives.
Now, there's a source for this hurt between you.
What is it? She never called me after she found out about the divorce.
She cut me out of her life completely, blamed me for everything.
That's not true.
I know you and my dad were both at fault.
And maybe I should've been the bigger person, but isn't that the parent's job? Why didn't you call me? I dropped my phone in the toilet.
Battery got wet.
It was a whole thing.
Karen.
I was scared, okay? And what do you wanna say to each other now? Do you really think of me as your mother? Our real mom died when I was so young, and our house was the saddest place in the world.
And then you came, and you were so glamorous and full of life, and vodka.
It was like that part was finally over.
Honey, I never knew you felt that way.
I always wanted to be with you.
- I wanted to be you.
- Aww.
Listen, I wanna give you something.
It's a little bit of a tradition in our family between mothers and daughters.
[WHISPERS] I bet it's the necklace.
Now, I'm gonna tell you the same thing my mother told me when she gave it to me.
Shove it up your butt till we get through customs.
- Moment of truth.
- [SIGHS] Yep [LAUGHS SOFTLY] Should we try to pee again real quick? Nothing came out the last three times we tried, okay? It's tapped.
It's just foam and air.
- Now, get up there.
- Okay, fine, fine, fine.
But I am subtracting six pounds for clothes, shoes, and my weenus.
All right, then I'm subtracting seven pounds for my bra and my feelings.
Get up there.
Get up there! You've lost 180 pounds.
- I've been good all week, so - Back.
I can't do it, Grace.
Why do I always have to be the man? Because of your hands.
Do you know how much time I have spent negotiating with God in front of this thing? [SIGHS] I hate you.
You have ruined so many womens' lives.
Gay men too, you son of a bitch! Why do we do this to ourselves? I mean, we're both healthy-ish.
We both have guys who think we're hot-ish the way we are.
Why can't we just give ourselves permission to be happy-ish? Yes.
Yeah, we're we're not that bad.
I mean, we may not be Fashion Week skinny, but we're definitely Disneyland skinny.
I think we could just go a little easier on ourselves.
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah.
No one our age can eat like they used to.
[DOOR CLICKS] Hey.
Those adorable twins from the fourth floor were selling candy bars in the lobby.
[GROANS] I lost three pounds.
I No matter what I do, I can't gain weight.
Maybe I should eat this, you know, in case I need smaller jeans [CHUCKLES] What's going on? What why do you have a gentleman's boner?