Will and Grace s10e16 Episode Script

Conscious Coupling

1 Will & Grace is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Okay, I have no idea why I'm supposed to care about her.
- Bella Hadid! - Even less.
- Gigi Hadid! - Yes.
- Ugh, this guy.
- Kanye.
- Yes.
- [DINGING] Uh, time, time.
The score right now is 15 for you guys, and we are your heels with a very respectable one.
I'm sorry I'm such a bad partner.
Are you kidding? You're better than Grace.
She never takes the time out to tell me how beautiful my eyes are.
They really are incredible.
They're hazel.
They're the color of a swamp.
Here, your turn.
Okay, ready? Go.
Okay, he's hot but not as hot as you.
Adam Levine.
You think you're hotter than Adam Levine? - He's right.
- Yes, that's one point for us! No, no, it's the wrong answer but you are correct that you're hotter than Adam Levine.
- That's so sweet.
- Oh, you're so sweet.
[AUDIENCE AAHS] We're still playing! Oh, this one's easy.
Uh, we both have French bulldogs from the same surrogate.
- [BEEPING] - Time, time! We won again.
It was Rachel Maddow.
Oh.
- Well, you guys were great.
- Mm-hmm.
- At crapping the bed.
- [CHUCKLES] But you know what? They are fun to hang out with.
They are.
They're a great couple.
But come on, we're the better couple.
You know, it's almost rude how much better we are.
Should we try to be less great as a couple? If we could, we would.
They really care a lot about the game.
[SIGHS] I know, but they're not as pretty as we are.
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC] [CELL PHONE RINGING] What is it, Mother? No, I am not screening your calls.
I did listen to your voicemails! I did too, Judith! Oh, yes I [SIGHS] Okay, no I didn't.
What do you want? No, of course I'm still getting married! Why would why do you keep asking me that? I love Estefan.
How dare you! No, I am not going to cheat.
Not even if the perfect man fell from the sky! No, I'm not going to feel stuck when I get married.
I will never be stuck.
[THUDDING] [ELECTRICAL BUZZING] Oh, my God, I'm stuck.
Malcolm, darling, the power is still out.
I'll take off as soon as it stops snowing.
I'll just give Pilot a little nudge.
Okay.
Now you listen to me, you son of a bitch.
I don't care if you have to dig that plane out of the snow with a coke spoon, I am flying to Islamabad tonight to see my boyfriend.
Wow, so that voice comes out of you.
I was picturing a sexy animated rabbit.
Well, that's how I picture myself except with a whip.
Um, I'm Nikki.
I'm above you.
Honey, no one's above me.
[SCOFFS] Mind if I borrow your glasses? Sure.
There you go.
Wow, you have such a weak prescription.
There's no prescription.
They're fake.
My eyes are perfect.
Then why Well, network testing showed the glasses make me appear more trustworthy and approachable.
So people think you're too beautiful without the glasses? 82% of viewers don't hear a word I say when I'm not wearing them.
I'm sorry, what? [BOTH CHUCKLING] [BOTH SMACKING] You know what bugs me about Will and McCoy? Ooh, what? They're so into each other, especially McCoy.
Love's not that showy crap.
You know, "Oh, you're so beautiful and wonderful.
" Who wants that all the time? [SCOFFS] Babies.
This is good.
oh, you and me hanging out.
These last few months, I've been really happy.
- I could do this all the time.
- Yeah, me too.
Hey, I've got an idea.
How about I give you a drawer here? Some place to keep your fake glasses.
- I love that idea, Will.
- Hmm.
Or I could just move in with you.
[CHUCKLES] Oh.
Love is looking someone in the eyes and saying "I love you, move in with me.
" Yeah, I guess.
Oh.
Bad nut.
Grace, I'm asking you to move in with me.
[SPITS] Oh, I oh.
Ah, I did it again.
I moved too fast.
Why do I keep doing that? What is wrong with me? No, no, no, wait, wait! There's nothing wrong with you.
No, you're great.
You you you're wonderful.
The reason we can't move in together is it's not you.
It's Grace.
You make me happy and you're so good with Katie and she adores you.
So what the hell, let's do this.
What's with the face? Why isn't it a "yes" face? I I would.
I mean, I would, but But what? What what is it? It's Will.
What about her? Well, she's gone through some stuff, you know? She's kind of, um, well she's mentally unstable.
He's broke.
Completely broke.
What, how? Gambling.
- How unstable? - It's not good, McCoy.
[SHAKER SHAKING] Okay, that's what that sound is.
You know, upstairs, uh, we all thought someone played the maracas.
Isn't there, like, another smaller maraca? That would be this.
[PILL BOTTLE SHAKING] You're very musical.
Well, I've been playing for years.
Hello, 911? Yes, uh, yes, I called three times! Why isn't anybody here yet? Did you just call me ma'am? I am not a ma'am.
No, I am a man.
I am not a ma'am.
[HIGH-PITCHED] Why would you think I was a woman? [SIGHS] - [KNOCK ON DOOR] - Grace, can I talk to you? Uh, sure.
Come on in.
Don't say anything about the gambling.
Hey, sorry you guys.
- [CRUNCH] - Ow! Please tell me that's a shell and not a toenail.
Grace said the maid comes tomorrow so we could throw whatever we want on the floor.
He's the maid.
Look at us.
Just two working gals in the big city.
Punching in everyday around 2:00, pushing papers till 3:30, then taking the Rolls back to the manse, sleeping 16 hours and then it's time to make the donuts.
[CHUCKLES] You're like my photo negative.
Hmm? Ugh, God, it does not look like we are getting out of here tonight.
Oh, honey, don't say that.
Girl, I just said it.
Honey.
Girl.
Honey.
Girl.
So, uh, can I talk to you for a moment? Oh, I leave.
That's how this works.
Mm-hmm.
Sorry, you know, I just have a, uh, I have a problem.
Oh, I know.
I mean, I I don't know.
Why would I know? Oh, uh, forgot my wallet.
I might need it for, um no particular reason.
Certainly trust you.
It's so hot.
Why is it so hot in here? [PANTING] Must be must be running out of oxygen.
There's no other explanation.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING] So Look, I I need you to back me up and and don't ask any questions.
I told McCoy that you're mentally and emotionally unstable.
What? And he believed you? Instantly.
He asked to move in with me and I panicked.
Just so just back me up on this, please! I'd do it for you.
Yeah, um, let's test that out.
I told Noah that you're an out of control gambler.
Also a thief, but that's really just to support the gambling.
Just [PANTING] Man, it's so hot.
I got to get out of here.
Think of a plan, Jack.
Think of a plan.
Ooh, I got it! [SCREAMING] Help! What is going on with them? What is going on with us? Isn't this what we both wanted? Yeah.
Then why didn't we say yes? Maybe maybe we like things the way they are.
Yes, yes, we do.
We're in a really good place.
We're comfortable.
Comfortable, exactly.
You get to a certain age.
Forty-s BOTH: Four.
And and you want comfort.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
No, exactly.
So we'll just we'll just tell the men, who love us, that we made up ridiculous lies because we would rather just live together.
Forever.
[CLEARS THROAT] Or we could keep the lies going for a little while, buy us some time.
Now that's the kind of short term thinking we gamblers like to hear.
And I think it's just crazy enough to work.
Good, that's good.
That's good.
That's a good idea.
It's a great idea.
I'm just gonna say it, we're geniuses.
I'm gonna say it, we're the better couple.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] [UPBEAT MUSIC] Will? No, it's me.
Will and Grace are doing their Will and Grace thing.
I don't know where to be.
Wow, this place is really clean.
Where do you guys eat? In the kitchen.
Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, have a seat.
So listen are these flannel sheets? Yeah, they're really great on a night like this.
I always wondered what they felt like.
Be my guest.
Don't feel weird, I'm New York's most trusted newsman.
Yeah, all right.
- Oh, wow.
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh, that's cozy.
It's nice to be in a bed where nothing crunches.
Hmm.
[CHUCKLES] You have the most beautiful skin I've ever seen.
You're like a super-hot baby.
I know, it's both a blessing and a actually, it's just a blessing.
So listen, uh, I just want to put it out there.
I know where Will can get some help for his gambling problem.
Gambling problem? You don't have to cover for him, okay? Grace told me.
Oh, Grace told you.
That must be so hard.
Is she off her meds again? You mean Gas-X? No, no, she took one tonight.
A little after the fact, but still.
No, I'm talking about her anti-psychotics.
Will told me that she You know what? I think we've been lied to.
Nah, I I find that hard to believe.
Oh, sorry.
I think we've been lied to.
Oh, my God! We've been lied to! This is the NYPD.
Oh, thank God! Remain calm, ma'am.
I'm coming down.
Wait, I know you.
Drew.
Jack? So what if I make a little more effort than Malcolm? Are you saying that you've never gone out of your way for your man? No, but to be fair my men are women.
Oh.
You're a vagiterian.
Question, are you permanently parked in the lesbian zone or do you move your car to alternate sides of the street from time to time for plowing? This car is parked up on blocks with 100 tickets on the windshield.
[SIGHS] Boils my blood! They still give tickets for being gay! Karen, I don't mean to judge but look, if you're always taking care of some guy, who takes care of you? Besides pharmacists? I don't know, I guess most of my life, I've taken care of myself.
Looks like we have more in common than I thought.
Look, we know everything.
So no more lies.
Six months, you've been telling me to take a leap, open up, and when I finally do, you lie to me? I'm sorry, it's just No, you know what? Any excuse you're about to say I've used a thousand times, so save it.
Grace, make a choice.
We either move forward in this relationship or we don't.
Same here.
We either move in together or we're done.
I'll do anything you want.
Don't leave me.
[YELLING] Am I making myself clear?! Can Will and I just have a minute? - Okay, one minute.
- Yeah, one minute! Take your time.
I'm not going anywhere.
One minute! This whole comfortable thing we came up with? Complete crap.
We were just using each other as an excuse.
So what? Do we do we go back there and say yes? Seems kind of fast, they gave us a minute.
We should probably do stuff like like this.
It's like we're balancing our options.
Okay, and and and then I'll I'll point to myself.
Uh-huh.
- Then I'll point to you.
- Mm-hmm.
Then I'll point to myself again.
And then I'll be, like, "Why didn't I think of that? Like why didn't that go in here?" - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- That in here.
That in here.
What do you think they're talking about? Nothing.
Ready? Uh, okay.
We made our decision.
We're moving in with you.
I feel so excited about this! [BOTH YELLING EXCITEDLY] They're moving in with us! [BOTH CHUCKLING] [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Hey, here's an idea.
How about we switch? Oh, right.
[YELLING EXCITEDLY] [UPBEAT MUSIC] This is so crazy.
So how have you been? Yeah, I've been, you know, okay.
I've got to be honest with you though, I've, um I never stopped thinking about you.
Well, of course.
[ZIPPING] You probably read the reviews of my new show "Gaybraham Twinkin'.
" "Timeout New York" said, "Hopefully, the only gay Abraham Lincoln musical we'll ever see.
" Jack, I I come here.
I made a huge mistake.
I should've never broken up with you.
Drew, I I I'm getting married.
I mean, I was married when we first met.
Yeah, to a woman.
That doesn't count.
It's just a way to share health insurance and double your wardrobe.
Tell me you haven't thought about me.
I have.
I've had this exact dream so many times! Except we weren't in an elevator.
This isn't a dream.
You know, I'm here right now and, uh my gay cop instincts are telling me to charge you with intent to get frisky.
Tell me, Officer, what's the punishment for aggravated hanky-panky? [BOTH CHUCKLING] [RADIO STATIC] Everything okay down there? Yeah, yeah, um, uh, yeah, no need for backup and if you hear anything that sounds like kissing, it's, um it's probably not kissing.
So What do you say? This this doesn't mean we're getting back together.
Okay.
Because I I'm not calling off my wedding.
Okay.
I'm just a man towering over a smaller man trying to listen to what his heart says.
What does his heart say? His heart says Not to be this guy anymore.
What guy? The guy that [SCOFFS] takes the first opportunity to cheat when the perfect man drops from the sky.
I'm sorry, Drew.
No one can tempt me more than you.
You're a delicious, cocoa-sized mini-marshmallow but love has changed me.
I guess the men I've been with feel like I can take care of myself.
Given some of my lovers, I've had to take care of myself.
[CHUCKLES] If you know what I'm talking about.
I do.
I'm talking about making my Venus feel Serena.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING] Mm-hmm.
Did not see that one coming.
Well, but you know what they say, in every relationship, there's a gardener and a flower.
Guess I'm the gardener.
- Oh, come on.
- What? You're a flower if I've ever seen one.
You think I'm a flower? Definitely.
And you deserve to be taken care of.
Hey, it stopped snowing.
Uh, guess you can call your pilot.
I have never said that sentence before.
Yeah.
I guess I could, but I don't think I will.
Why? Because right now I feel very taken care of.
Oh, girl.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] Hey, scoot! Grace is coming over! Of course, but when she actually moves out, she won't be here all the time, right? It's cute that you'd ask that.
Hi! Uh, in bed with gay guys.
If I had a nickel.
[CHUCKLES] [CHUCKLES] Why am I not surprised? Climb in, Noah.
It's so cozy.
Yeah, all right.