Will and Grace s11e12 Episode Script

Filthy Phil, Part I

1 "Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
So Karen invited her new boyfriend over for brunch.
That's, like, something a person would do.
I know, it's strangely human like when a chimp smokes a cigarette.
Phil's on his way up.
Grace, fix your tie.
Will, change your dress.
Good Lord, feel my heart.
It's beating aile a minute.
Okay, there's one.
I have never seen you so excited about a guy.
Well, I finally met someone I really like.
You have no idea how hard it is out there.
All the good ones have been indicted.
So, tell us about Phil.
Charming, sweet, and he has a remarkable penis.
It's like an oil rig drilling until it devastates everything in its path.
I I just meant what does he do? [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
He's here.
Will, put on some lipstick.
Grace, stop mincing.
- Hey, babe.
- Ooh! He calls me babe.
Hi, babe.
I call him babe.
Will, Grace, meet Dr.
Phil Johnson.
Ooh, what do you think? You gotta give 'em a chance.
I haven't even turned on my A game.
Will, this is for you.
Karen told me you're a big, bold, complex guy, like this cabernet.
Don't forget fruity and gives you a headache.
And Grace, here's something beautiful and delicate like yourself.
Don't forget slightly wilted and covered in bees.
Welcome, it's so Okay, back off desperado.
He's taken.
Papi, it's so sad to think of Miss Coco's closing.
I know, it's like a death.
So what's going to happen to Coco's? Unless someone buys it, it goes away.
Just like every other gay bar in this city.
You know, the Manhole is now a Victoria's Secret.
I imagine there is some crossover.
Where will all these people go? Where will Slutty Steve get his self-esteem? What will happen to Rough Trade Ralph or Scientology guy? We can't let all the gay bars disappear.
Someone needs to buy Coco's.
Well, why don't you? Me? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh no, no.
I am a working actor.
Papi, did you get a job? I'm working on it.
No, no, no, no, no.
I like this idea, you know? Keep it in the family.
Not my actual family.
They're all Florida gutter trash.
May they get washed away in the next hurricane.
They should get washed away! God, you should buy it.
I mean, I can't be a flight attendant forever.
At a certain point these passengers, they start giving you this look, like, "Oh, I got a old one.
" That's crazy.
Where would I even get the money? Just get a loan.
Try the banks.
Okay, Tyra Banks is not gonna give me money.
She's never once returned a DM.
Apparently, I'm not "Top Model" material.
Oh, no, no, mi amor.
The banks, like, this place that has, like, a bowl of lollipops.
Oh, a bank.
I don't know.
I mean, me, a business owner? I mean, I do have half glasses.
And I have been told I look important when I do this.
Okay, Mr.
Business Owner.
Where did Mr.
Jack go? It was just a pencil and gla I'm right here.
It's just me.
Okay, black coffee for Phil.
Karen, I'm fresh out of blood.
What are you drinking? Straight vodka with just a splash of other vodka.
Phil, anything else I can get? There's a few mini fritters left.
Oh, I couldn't eat another bite.
And by that, I mean I'll have two.
Oh, isn't he hilarious? It's this all day long.
Just back and forth like this.
So how'd you guys meet? Oh, it's a funny story.
Are you gonna speak for me? Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
I mean, Grace was looking directly at me.
Oh, completely my mistake.
It's okay, anyone can take it.
Go ahead, please.
Forgive me? Oh, I forgive.
But I won't forget.
Uh, we met at the bar at the Carlyle.
I had just finished a very difficult heart surgery.
I thought you were an OB-GYN.
I used to be.
I do heart surgery now.
That's unusual.
Did you go to med school for Will, where did you learn to cook like this and stay in such good shape? I mean, do you work out three hours a day? [LAUGHS.]
Three hours? That would be crazy.
I do two hours and I eat healthy.
Here's an interesting thing about me: I try to keep my proteins to the size of a deck of cards, my grains to the size of a fist, and then I just load up on leafy greens.
That is fascinating.
Your fritters are ready, and I will refrain from making any fritter puns.
Thank God.
Well, why don't you fritter away and get them? [LAUGHS.]
Good Lord, am I dating Chris Rock? Okay, let's go back to how you went from delivering babies to doing heart surgery.
Well, there's actually a lot of crossover.
I mean, sometimes babies don't come out from the clown's mouth and you have to get them from, you know, the circus tent.
And we call those "tummy babies.
" All these medical terms.
Oh, whoosh right over my head.
Uh, you mean cesarean? [LAUGHS.]
So I guess you're the doctor, huh? BOTH: [LAUGH.]
Uh, so how many years ago did you I mean, for real, Will, you are one of David Beckham's arms come to life.
Can I get into the gym with you? Show me a couple of pointers? Well, of course.
I'd love that.
Interesting thing about me you know, a lot of people do arms every three days.
I do 'em every two days.
So it goes it goes chest, arms, legs, then back, arms, then back to chest, arms.
Yes, I skipped shoulders.
You're probably wondering why.
Let's give them time to guess.
You called me in the kitchen? Oh ho ho Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Ah, ah, ah.
They are sure to give you the loan, mi amor.
You look so businesslike.
I know.
I'm wearing my three-piece underwear.
Aw, cute little girl.
Oh, that's my nephew.
He was Lisa Vanderpump for Halloween.
We so got this.
Hi, I'm Ruth.
Sorry I'm late.
I'm going through a thing with my ex.
We're co-parenting a cat and he doesn't seem to understand that Mayonnaise needs her medicine every day.
That's all right.
She can scoot her butt across his West Elm rugs every other weekend.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Is now a bad time? Oh, no, no, no, I'm good.
In fact, I have a date this Friday.
My ex hasn't dated in two years, so I win! [LAUGHS.]
I've been looking at your application and I see that you're interested in a small business loan.
Small, large.
I'm not a size queen, Ruth.
I'm not a big fan of penis jokes.
Well, then, I am Out of material.
First issue I see here is your credit.
You don't have any.
Uh, did you look at my resume here? Most of those credits are real.
It's true, Ruth.
He really was Fat Filipino #2.
I didn't have to wear offensive makeup.
The camera was never on me.
No, no, no.
What I mean is that we need to be sure that you can pay us back.
You gonna be that girl, Ruth? You lend me money, and then you get all weird if you see me out to dinner? [SNORTS.]
This is a bank.
And and this bar just doesn't seem like a good risk.
I mean, is there anything you can show me that would inspire some confidence? How 'bout this? No, you you can keep that.
Hey, papi.
Maybe show her your PowerPoint presentation.
Ruth, this is a game changer.
Good idea, my PowerPoint.
Here we go.
You need to help me buy that bar down the street because God as my witness, I don't have the money.
I do not trust that guy.
What? He's great.
You keep missing it when he says weird things.
One minute he's an OB-GYN and the next he's a heart surgeon? Well, that's not so strange.
I mean vaginas to angina? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, Phil will like that one.
I'm serious, Will.
It's like he's a [GASPS.]
Do you remember that podcast we listened to? The one about the reporter who delved into the - unsolved murder in the South? - Not that one.
The one about the reporter who delved into the unsolved - kidnapping in the South? - Not that one.
The one about the reporter who delved into the unsolved murder-kidnapping in the South and then got kidnapped and murdered himself? No.
Phil is Dirty John.
He's Filthy Phil.
I am telling you, it is exactly the same.
He is a handsome, charming, controlling "doctor.
" Right, right, he's he's Dirty John.
Oh, my God, you never listened to it.
I am telling you this guy is after her money.
This is what they do.
They charm their way into your lives until they control you.
Nobody controls Karen Walker.
Oh, I dropped my napkin.
Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
I didn't notice.
Ah, ah, ah.
Eye contact.
Hold it, hold it.
Uh-huh, keep going.
Hold it.
Got it.
Oh, who's my napkin fairy? Me, me, me! [GIGGLES.]
Okay, that was weird.
So Karen, what do you really know about Phil? Besides that he's a doctor of everything? What do you mean, honey? He seems a little controlling.
I know, but honestly, I I like being with a man who takes charge.
For 30 years I had to tell Stan, "Put on your dinner tarp.
We're having a red sauce.
" Okay, but No, don't ruin this, honey.
I'm having fun.
And don't worry, I'm not gonna stop being me.
- Cigarette, babe? - Sure.
What, you smoke? No, I want him to think I'm cool.
What did you guys talk about? Well, there may be a couple of red flags.
He's probably not a cardiologist unless there's actually a heart condition known as thrombosis expialidocious.
Oh, I knew it.
What are you doing? I am going through his wallet.
Come on, keep a look out.
Oh, my God.
He has a credit card through Nora Nessbaum.
That's not good unless maybe he used to be her.
Great, he's trans.
- Now we have to like him.
- Yeah.
Every credit card has a different name, and not one of them is Phil Johnson.
- Now what are you doing? - I'm Googling him.
What are you Googling, "not Dr.
Phil Johnson"? No.
New York City, con man, rich lady, fake doctor.
Oh, my God, there's so many.
Isn't that your dentist? Oh, no.
He gave me nitrous for everything.
- What are we looking at? - BOTH: [SHOUTS.]
- Uh, we are on Etsy.
- Mm.
Uh, looking for a crocheted bong cozy.
Right, 'cause I I don't want my weed to get cold, right? And then the bank lady opened the doors and shoved me roughly onto the sidewalk and yelled, "We don't want your kind!" Actually she said, "It was nice to meet you.
" And she offered us a cupcake from the branch manager's birthday.
Well, you did your best, which is probably why it didn't work.
So that's it, huh? Another gay bar bites the tush.
But Coco's is more than just another gay bar.
It's a place where we all gather.
People like Half Tom, Half Tammy.
Where will they go? And Doesn't Know Where She Is Diane.
And Bummer Bennet, who's really annoying.
I mean a miserable person who comes every night because he knows no one here will say it to his face.
Did you just And where Closeted Keith Closeted Keith can flirt with guys so he has something to think about on his date with a girl.
I'll come out when my mom dies.
But most important, Coco's is the place I first found my community.
I remember a certain 19-year-old kid in short shorts and a Boy George haircut roller blading in to use the pay phone.
I walked in right behind him.
And I looked around and I thought, "These are my people.
" I felt safe.
I was I was home.
So you did some digging? You know, I wouldn't believe everything you see on the internet.
I once clicked on a picture of that kid from "Jerry Maguire" and I absolutely could believe what he looked like today.
So we've heard all about your doctor stuff.
You're probably wondering what we do.
Grace is a designer.
I'm a lawyer.
More specifically, I'm Karen's lawyer.
It's my job to look out for her.
- Oh, is that so? - Mm-hmm.
Well, I sincerely hope you have someone who can look out for you.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? I mean I sincerely hope somebody looks out for you.
I mean, everybody should have that.
You didn't say it like that.
You said it scary, like Liam Neeson before he throws a terrorist into a wood chipper.
You know, I think you misunderstood me, and misunderstandings can cause real problems.
- Kinda just did it again.
- No, I did not.
I said, "Misunderstandings can cause real problems.
" I mean, watch any episode of "Three's Company.
" Phil, I forget did you want me to get you the Tesla 3 or the S? Oh, the S, babe.
The 3s are for peasants.
But we have to go.
I have to get to the hospital but if you leave first, then I can watch that sweet ass walk out.
It's like bible camp all over again.
Well, it has been wonderful oh, I don't have to do this with you.
Oh, yeah.
Um, Karen? Karen, hey.
Why don't you stay so we can dish? Or I could blow off the surgery and we could go back to your place and have sex.
You can blow off surgery? Oh, yeah.
The, uh, helper girl can do it.
- You mean the nurse? - Hmm? Hmm, do I want to make conversation with Will and Grace or go to the tongue rodeo for two hours? Bye, kids.
Hey, Karen.
Karen, please.
Just don't give this guy a key to your apartment.
Well, he's gotta have one.
He's moved in.
- What? - So fast? When it's right, it's right.
Karen, say good-bye to your friends.
You don't know when you'll see them again.
Look at that.
Did you not hear that? He's right, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again.
We don't have anything on the books.
Ruth, if Coco's closes, where will all these people go? Where will they go, Ruth, the Starbucks in Chelsea? There is no lock on the bathroom door.
You both have to hold it closed with your feet.
Where is the romance, huh? I appreciate your passion, Mr.
McFarland, but I have to consider the risk.
All right, get out of here, you big British cigarettes.
Let's go, move it, move it.
I've never done it in a bank before.
Uh, not today, Slutty Steve.
Try liking yourself.
Look, Jack.
I know this is personal to you.
I think it's personal to you, too.
You talk about risk.
What about this little boy? Think about it.
What happens when he grows up, huh? We get rid of all the gay bars, where does this sweet little gay scout find his den? You've certainly shown me that you have a loyal clientele.
80% of every successful restaurant is return customers.
I did a little gay Google.
I gaygled.
I am going to approve this loan.
Seriously? Oh my God, thank you.
I can't believe that worked.
- It's ringing.
Honey, thank God you called.
Why, what's wrong? I don't I don't know where I am.
It's it's so dark.
I think I hear a seagull and a foghorn.
My God, Karen.
Hold on.
We're gonna trace this call.
Ha, ha, busted! - Leave a message.
I fell for that yesterday.
Will, take out your curlers.
Grace, turn off the game.
We need to talk.
I'm getting that you're not on board with Phil.
No, we're not.
We don't trust him, and we don't even think he's a doctor.
He said you'd say that.
He's got a wallet full of credit cards in other people's names.
He said you'd say that, too.
Karen, we think he's only after your money.
He didn't say you'd say that.
Oh, okay.
Now he said you'd say that.
And he wants ice cream from one place and toppings from another.
So, you two think that the only way a man would be interested in me is for my money? - That's not what we meant.
- Oh my God, no.
We're just worried about you.
You're worried about me, or you don't want me to be happy because you don't have a man in your life? I think you're just Jewish.
Jewish? Uh, don't you mean I'm jealous? So you admit it.
Karen, we just the best for you.
So do I, and I think what's best for me is to have somebody in my life who loves me and supports me like Phil.
So if I have to choose between Phil and you, well, I'm making my choice right now.
So this is how it ends? Oh, okay!
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