Will and Grace s11e13 Episode Script

Filthy Phil, Part II

1 "Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live audience.
Grace, don't.
She said not to.
Hey, Karen, uh, I know that you said you never wanted to see us again, and I totally respect that, but I just wanted to call and say hey and make sure you're okay, okay? So hey.
Oy vey.
Wow, that was like word jazz.
Well, I am worried about her.
Karen just met this guy a week ago, and she's in love? Whatever happens, I'm sure here true friends, Alcohol and Painkiller, will be there for her.
I'm not saying we could take their place.
It just doesn't feel right.
Hey, losers.
It's me, Karen.
I just stopped by your dumb apartment to tell you to leave me alone.
No need to open the Okay, I'm not really Karen.
It's me, Friday.
The similarities are nonexistent.
Karen told me to trick you so you that you wouldn't go looking for her.
I knew I should've finished Natalie Portman's MasterClass.
Where is Karen? Friday, if you know something, you have to tell us.
Okay, you know that new guy she's seeing? Phil? Well, she told him about her cabin, and they decided to go there for the weekend.
Wait, her cabin in the woods? The one that's a million miles away from anything? - We gotta get to that cabin.
- What? You just told me not to get involved.
Okay, look, I finally listened to the "Dirty John" podcast.
I still have two episodes to go.
I was waiting for you to catch up! Okay, there's there's there's more.
After I finished "Dirty John" I listened to "Malicious Mark.
" What? We said we were gonna save "Malicious Mark" for Purim.
Wait, look.
The the point is there's a pattern to all of these true crime podcasts that's happening with Karen and Phil.
Mysterious man from out of nowhere, - claims to be a doctor - Goes after wealthy women Tries to separate her from her friends.
- We have to get to the cabin.
- I'll drive.
I'll criticize.
No, please! [PANTS.]
Phil, I beg you! Stop or I'll scream! Scream all you want.
There's no one around for miles.
I have to warn you, the procedure I'm about to perform is not covered by Obamacare.
You're a little early, Doctor, but I think I can squeeze you in.
Okay, ladies, eight hours until the grand reopening.
Wow, look at you, all boss-lady like.
Turns out, the devil wears Old Navy.
I know, right? I'm such a hard-ass.
Owen! If you have time to lean, you got time to preen! Lick those eyebrows neat.
Next time, do it with your tongue; you get a raise.
What are these ruby slippers doing here? I I thought they looked pretty there.
You thought? This guy.
Last time I checked, I was the only one who got paid to "thought," huh? And I say they look pretty Here.
- That is better, sir.
- Yeah, it is.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
That's Dexter Murphy from "The New York Gayzette" He's interviewing me about my big opening.
Hello, welcome.
I'm Jack McFarland.
I'm Dexter Murphy, "New York Gayzette.
" I loved your takedown of Andy Cohen's dog.
Ugh, that bitch had it coming.
May I take your poncho? Or is that what's holding you together? - We missed the turn.
- No, this is right.
Well, how do you know? You said Karen blindfolded you so that you wouldn't see where it was.
She does not like drop-ins, but I can figure it out with my heightened sense of smell.
It's kind of my superpower.
And I'm getting [INHALES.]
Raspberry cream and [INHALES.]
Epoxy glue.
The turn's coming up.
Raspberry cream and glue? There is nothing in the world that smells like "Gower's Fruit-Filled Candy and Marine Sealants," 100 yards.
Wow, that's that's quite a nose.
My dad raised bloodhounds.
I used to always try to find the dead rabbits before they could.
You know, so that Dad would love me.
I always won the rabbits, not his love.
So let me get right to it, Mr.
How do you plan on keeping an iconic institution like Coco's open without Coco? Oh, oh, they'll still come.
I'm not changing anything.
We're just under new management.
The bar's transitioning like half our patrons.
Do you think people who are transitioning are funny? Oh, God, no.
They have no sense of humor.
Thank you for your time.
I must rush this to my editor because, clearly, this place won't be open much longer.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, I forgot to tell you about the one thing I'm bringing to the bar that's gonna make everyone wanna come here.
It's, uh [GASPS.]
Ooh, ooh! These are the original ruby slippers worn by Judy Garland in "The Wizard of Oz.
" Yes, they are.
- Are those real? - Yes, they are real.
Uh, and that's why I'm renaming the bar to "the Ruby Slipper.
" What kind of an idiot would do that unless they weren't real? I know one.
What if we're wrong? What if we get there and they're just having a normal romantic weekend? Better to be wrong than to find out he chopped her up to make stew.
And that's what "Malicious Mark" did to his victims.
Why would Phil go through all this? - That's what I don't get.
- Money.
They're always after the money.
Yeah, but he's so handsome, though.
You think he could get money out of women without killing them.
I mean, that body after 40? I'd give him my debit card.
One good thing is, legally, even if he wanted Karen's money, he couldn't get it.
Not unless they're married.
Okay, Doctor.
Truth or dare? Hmm.
Um, have you ever stolen anything? Oh.
Well, once when I was ten, I took some licorice from the corner store, and I felt so guilty that I went right back in and apologized to the owner.
That's so sweet.
Oh! And a truck full of TVs.
Yeah, the guy just left it running, and I hopped in just to see if I could get away with it.
I did.
I got away with it.
Oh, good, because when you told me the licorice story, I was worried I'd hitched my wagon to a fruit cart.
Karen, you make me so happy.
You, me too, Phil.
Um ooh, I got a good one.
Have you ever killed anyone? [LAUGHS.]
Isn't it my turn? Oh, right.
I'm sorry, darling.
Oh, that's okay, baby.
So truth or dare? Dare.
Marry me.
Do you see Karen? I don't think anyone's here.
She's here.
I smell Chanel and Adderall.
Do you think they went for a walk? Oh, in "Malicious Mark," when the sun went down, he took his victim for a walk in the woods.
That's when he'd and then He made them cotton candy? Stew.
He made stew out of them.
You don't think rotten Phil did the same with Karen? It can't be "Rotten Phil.
" It's gotta start with a P.
Oh, like "Philadelphia Phil.
" If he's from Philadelphia.
Ooh, ooh, how about "Psychotic Phil"? The P can't be silent.
How about "Psychotic Sam"? "Psychotic Sam.
" That's good.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, both words have to start with a "ph" and one of them has to be Phil.
It's not that hard a concept.
Hey, Sam uh, Phil.
We the three of us were just, uh The two.
I'm not with them.
I'm just a Jehovah's Witness, but you guys seem too smart for us.
Yeah, so we were we were just Uh, we were in the neighborhood because We we've got a a cabin on the lake - Yeah.
- too, right down round 'bout there, a piece.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, uh, can we see Karen? Don't you mean Mrs.
Phillip Johnson? You two got married? The justice of the peace just left.
It was a beautiful ceremony.
I totally cried because that's a thing people do.
Um, can we congratulate Karen in person? Oh, she went for a walk.
It's getting dark.
Hope nothing happened to her.
Why don't you come in and wait? I'm making stew.
- Aren't you coming? - BOTH: Yes, yes! [PIANO MUSIC.]
It's 8:15.
Why is nobody here? There must be a sale on glitter.
Or maybe Lin-Manuel Miranda is doing is doing an impromptu rap somewhere, and everybody's being forced to like it.
Every reservation? Every one, canceled.
I don't get it.
This is my grand reopening.
This place should be fending off drunk bachelorettes crying about their gay cousins in Kansas.
You think it might have something to do with the article that was just posted? Read the headline.
"New Owner of Miss Coco's Fails to Google Ruby Slippers Before Lying About Them.
" Do you think this is gonna affect my big opening? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
It's not funny now! You shouldn't have lied to that reporter, Jack.
I know, I know.
I just I want so badly for this to be a success.
But you just started.
Come on.
Give it time.
Time for what? I never should have bought this place in the first place.
Yes, I know, I just said the word "place" twice.
Listen, when I bought this place, it was a deli, but I had a vision.
I based the entire concept on something I loved Me.
So you're saying I should make this bar all about me? No, dear.
It's a business.
You want paying customers.
You gotta put your own stank on it.
What if nobody likes my stank? Listen.
Life is a gamble, but at least you're rolling the dice.
You know, most people don't have the guts to do that.
Thanks, Coco, but it's too late.
- [SIGHS.]
- That article's gonna bury me.
Every gay guy in New York City is gonna read that story and then retweet it with a mean GIF of Beyoncé's hair getting caught in a fan.
So? You give that reporter another story to tell, because if there's one thing our people like better than watching one of our own stumble, it's cheering when they get back up for a glorious second act.
Look at Renée in "Judy.
" Oh, my God.
You're right.
You're right, Coco.
I'm gonna call that reporter and give him a new story, because, God as my witness, I will Zellweger this so hard, my opening will be huge! And that's funny again.
Go ahead.
Why did we come inside? This is just like every horror movie.
First they invite you in, make you feel at home, and then What, you think he's gonna give you a handy? Stabbing! This is stabbing.
Then stabbing is how I got popular.
All I'm saying is, until we know Karen is safe, we gotta be careful.
- Grace, what are you doing? - I'm hungry.
The drive up took six hours.
What if the stew is Karen? I mean, it's already made.
Put the spoon down.
Put the spoon down.
Lotta whispering going on.
Hope you're talking about my wedding gift.
Wouldn't say no to a wood chipper.
Um, actually, we were just saying how exciting it is that you and Karen got married.
It happened so fast.
Yeah, she didn't knock you up, did she? - [LAUGHS.]
- Come on, you guys.
I mean, you don't think one of us trapped the other in marriage, do you? - Not at all.
- Oh, God, no.
Because Karen and I are in love.
- True love.
I see it.
- Really, a beautiful thing.
Not to mention, men can't get pregnant.
We have ways to shut that down with our body.
That's funny you mention that, considering I am pregnant.
Not sure if you remembered I'm carrying precious life inside me.
Yeah, ooh.
Me too.
I mean, w with a surrogate.
Yeah, but he's not carrying the baby.
No, but I am the baby's father.
- You don't need to be here - Yeah, okay.
I want to be here for it.
But if you died suddenly, it wouldn't be the worst thing.
Grace! Oh! [GROANS.]
Cut myself.
Oh, blood.
Ah, I hate it.
- I hate looking at blood.
- Aren't you a surgeon? Well, my own blood.
Other people's blood, I have no problem with.
I'm gonna get a bandage.
Agh! Ugh! Ick! [WAGGLES TONGUE.]
I'm gonna puke.
Okay, I got a bad feeling about this guy.
You think? Where is Karen? I don't believe for a second that she went for a walk in the woods.
Do you? Karen wouldn't be caught dead in nature.
The only reason she'd go to the woods is to lure children to her house made of candy.
Psst, you guys.
Friday, where did you go? Oh, I kinda freak out around murderers.
I know, you'd think after what happened to my first two roommates, I'd be over it, but guess not.
Why don't you go back to the car and see if you can get a signal? Okay, but it's super cold out, and I definitely just heard a big animal.
I think it might've been a bear.
Okay, well, make yourself big, or or make yourself small, or you'll figure something out.
That was close.
In the medical profession, we call that a stage-three boo-boo.
Okay, Phil.
Where's Karen? I told you.
She's taking a walk.
Why would you ask twice? Unless you wanna take a walk.
Would you like to take a walk, Will? I I already got my steps in today.
Plus, he's already too skinny.
A lot of his sweaters are women's medium.
What is the matter with you? How about you, Grace? I'll take you out in a canoe on the lake.
Oh, um, I'm not really a fan of the canoe.
Or water.
At the gym, I drink Diet Dr.
Oh, is that right? [SOBS.]
Okay, regular Dr.
And she doesn't go to the gym.
I don't.
Grace, come on.
A little fun won't kill you.
Yeah? And neither will you! Damn it.
Anything but the broom.
What are you doing? We know that you're lying, Phil! About being a doctor, about the credit cards in your wallet Nora Nessbaum! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where's Karen? And you tell us the truth, or we will do something that we have planned out and practiced a lot of times! Whoo.
I had to track Mopsy and Flopsy for 45 minutes But we're eatin' meat.
Will, what are you doing here? And did you ride here on that zebra? [UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
I thought I'd made myself clear.
You support me or you stay out of my life.
But you couldn't do either one, could you? Karen, Phil is not the man that you think he is.
He is a con man.
If this is about the licorice, he apologized.
I called the state medical licensing board.
There is no record of him.
That's because I changed my name.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I was born Phillip Johnsonawitz.
You see, the medical profession has been unwelcoming to Jews.
That's not true at all! Karen, you're friends with this putz? See? He speaks Yiddish.
So you are licensed? Look, if you want me to show you all my credentials, explain those credit cards Nora Nessbaum, by the way, is my neighbor, and she gave me her card so I can buy her groceries.
If you wanna see all that, I'll happily show you.
You don't have to show anything to anyone, darling.
You know what? - I think I just wanna go home.
- Hmm.
Would you put our bags in the car? I need a minute alone with these two.
Of course.
Just don't invite them on a walk or a canoe ride.
They'll be total dicks about it.
- Please, understand - Karen, we really just wa No, no, no, no, no.
20 years of friendship and you still can't trust me to make my own decisions.
I mean, the idea that I wouldn't know when something is real? [ENGINE STARTS, TIRES SQUEAL.]
That was Phil.
He's probably turning the car around to get a little closer.
I don't think so.
Maybe he's doing doughnuts to impress the local teens.
He left me? Just like that? Karen, we're so sorry.
I knew he wasn't a doctor.
On his diploma, "MD" was spelled wrong.
Well, if you knew that, why would What do you want me to say? Somebody comes along and tells you that you're the sun and the moon.
You want so badly to believe them.
Plus, he destroyed in the sack.
I mean, really destroyed.
Like, call your next of kin to identify the remains.
So yeah, I guess I closed my eyes to a few things.
Everybody's a little blind when it comes to love.
I guess at the end of the day, we're just three lonely Up, up, up, up, up.
I'm already devastated, Grace.
Hearing you say that I'm like the two of you is a little more than I can take right now.
But, uh thanks for being there for me, kids.
It means a lot.
We'll always have your back.
Now that we know you're safe - Go, get your stew.
- Thank God.
We still have to deal with the fact that you married him.
Mm, Anastasia Beaverhausen married him.
We signed a piece of bark in the presence of a badger we made into a stew.
I think we're good.
Wait, this is badger? It's really good.
Thank you all for coming tonight, and thank you to Dexter Murphy of "The New York Gayzette" for his fantastic follow-up article, "Redemption of a Liar," colon, "Jack McFarland's Second Act.
" Miss Coco told me what I needed to do to make this place mine, and I thought about all the good times I've had here and all the great friends I've made, and I realized this bar isn't about me.
It's not even about Coco.
It's about all of us and what it means for us to have a place like this.
So everybody, welcome to "Queers"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Where everybody knows you are gays.
And they're always glad you came.
Isn't it great? I don't get it.

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