Wonderland (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

The Parking

If you sleep with a flatmate in the next 12 months, you sign the car rego over to me.
Miranda is my new flatmate.
Oh, my God! Look at all that stuff! I have officially become a human ATM.
That man talking to Tom's mum That's Carlos.
Don't stop! We had outdoor sex.
I never want to see him again.
Who is she? Sorry.
Um Bye.
Grace, Grace, don't go! I think I have to go.
I just can't breathe! I feel like I'm gonna die! Coming through! He's back.
He's out there, right now.
Get your keys.
It hasn't been three weeks yet, has it? Oh, my God.
He's early.
Key! I'll tell Mum.
Come on! Out of the way! Go, go, go, go! The fallout from this thing just radiates You'll be the first I'll always be the last You know, if you don't want to pay for parking, there's an all-day spot over by Burton Street.
Uh, but I'm not parked illegally.
I'm buying a ticket right now.
It'sit's not a ticket.
It's my phone number.
The morning sun set alight The future and all that it holds And I walk with intent Left no room for regret You don't miss something you never had Come on, come inside Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh We all see what's right before our eyes.
How you going? Good.
Hey, are you parked illegally? No.
He's out there again.
Already! Yep.
I've just seen him arguing with a pregnant woman.
Oh, God! Where's your keys? I'll move your car.
Um No, I'm actually alright for another hour, then I'm gonna collect Mum.
Oh! It's a Nanna day.
Yes, I'm bringing her back here for a sea change.
She's, uh, got cabin fever.
She giving you a hard time? You can't fold fitted sheets, you can't put forks down-ways in a dishwasher, you can't put knives upwards and You laugh now.
Your turn is coming.
You too shall share this joy.
Yeah! On my biannual visit to the nursing home that I put you in.
She's staying the night.
Come and say hi.
She likes you.
Well, she's only human.
Thanks for the heads-up.
No worries.
Oh, no! Did he get ya? Parking ticket.
Uh, not exactly.
What's this? It's, umit's the parking inspector's phone number.
Why would he give you? He asked you out? Maybe.
Tell me you didn't.
You are not going on a date with the parking nazi.
Ah He has a name, Tom.
Oh, does he? Yeah.
What is it? It's Joseph.
Joseph is his name.
As in Goebbels? No.
As in Joe orJoey.
I don't know We're just having coffee, Joseph and I, that's all.
You are dating the enemy.
You are a traitor.
I don't see how I'm a traitor, just because I'm going out for coffee with a parking inspect Nut job.
Nut job.
inspector Nut job.
inspect He could be a really nice guy.
Actually, he was he was very nice, actually.
What? Nothing.
Except my respect for you has just evaporated.
I don't understand why you'd even care.
I don't.
Go out with whoever you want.
I will.
Well, it was a second-round interview, so they said I should probably hear something by tomorrow.
What if you don't get the job? I'm not gonna stay in Canberra.
I mean, working for politicians is just not me.
Oh, since you're down, come to FAT night again.
Really? Can I? Well, somebody's gotta help us eat Dani's cooking.
Excuse me.
Hey, um, how are Latin matters going? Oh, whatever could you mean by that, oh, queen of subtlety? Oh, hi.
Are you crazy? Rob's right there.
See you, guys.
See ya.
I'll be back.
Oh, come on! How are we not in the space? We're in, right? Well, not entirely.
Well, we're three-quarters in, which is totally legal.
You sure? Of course I'm sure.
I'm pretty sure.
You know what, dude? You're right.
In fact, you have never been more right.
Right about what? We got a fine for not parking inside the space, which is wrong, because we did.
Did we? Three-quarters in is legally in.
You know what you need? What you need is a tape measure.
Well, let's just Let's just accept it and forget about it.
How can we forget about it? No, Rob's right.
I need to prove this empirically.
Are you seriously gonna go and get a tape measure? The $2 store is a couple of minutes from here.
Hey, I want to go home.
And we will, soon.
But we can't just forget about it, can we? Definitely not.
Rob's right.
We're fighting it.
We might just get a cab with Grace, huh? Good luck.
The colour of it.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Look at the colour.
You don't know what you're Ohhh, come on! Not again.
This is the third time that this car has blocked me out this week.
He's taking advantage.
Ofof who? Of the fact that the normal ranger's on holidays and the fill-in is such a slacker.
But now that the parking nazi's back, this person .
they're gonna be sorry.
Justjust park in the street and leave a note.
I've left notes.
I left several notes.
Several? Oh, several, that many.
All of which have been ignored, by the way, and I did pick up on your sarcasm, but I chose to ignore it.
Just like this turkey's chosen to ignore my notes.
Do you think maybe you might be slightly overreacting? If anything, I'm underreacting.
Thisthis here means war.
I need help.
You're telling me.
That is hilarious, but I need you to hold it for the photos.
Babe, it's one parking fine.
Yeah, one is one too many.
Steve I knew what I was doing when I parked here.
I parked here because I wasn't gonna get a ticket.
So you said.
Please can you just hold it? Thank you.
Oh, don't thank me.
I'm walking home.
If you want to stay here all night getting proof, then you can do it by yourself.
What are you doing? If you think I'm putting up with this for one more week Uh No, no, no, no, no.
Um, I think you should probably change that Mm.
to 'person'.
And that, well, I think you should probably just leave that one out.
Yeah, but if I leave that bit out, how's the guy gonna know where I want him to stick his? Justmake the changes, sign it Sign it And be done.
Sign it? I can't sign that.
They would lock me up.
Did you even read what I wrote? Pen, pen, pen Pen! Ohhh.
Dani! Even if I wanted to pay them off, which I don't, I can't, so So? Why? Well, because the wedding kind of maxed out my credit cards.
Dani? How many credit cards do you have? Three of them.
Sorry? Can I can I grab that again? How many cards? Including my store card? Let's say no.
Well, in that case, it's only three.
So, four.
And they're all maxed out? Two of them are interest-free for two years, so really, it's like we're saving money.
Oh, don't look so worried.
I'll pay it off eventually.
What with? You are acting veryteacherish.
"Teacherish"? Teacher-like, and it's not attractive.
I don't think we should talk about this anymore.
We're not talking.
We're fighting.
I'm going to bed.
I'm coming with you.
What are you doing up? I had one of those attacks again.
I didn't want to wake you.
Well, you should have.
Are you OK? Yeah.
You seemed better after the weekend away.
I thought What brought it on, do you reckon? I don't know.
You got funny at the club.
Maybe Was it the drinking, maybe? The doctor said you should avoid stimulants.
Oh, II think I'm OK.
Come back to bed.
OhI'll just I think I might stay out here for a while.
You look like crap, man.
Didn't you have much sleep, mate? Colette kept me up.
Oh, dude, that's way too much information.
Oh, no! Oh, no, man! Look at this! I'm so sick of this! Take that! Turkey.
I'm gonna have to move my car.
I can't afford more than one parking ticket in a day.
I'll meet you down there.
("Pumpin' Blood" by Nonono plays) Hey, what are you doing? I'm gumming the meter.
What does it look like? It looks like you're vandalising government property.
And I would really rather not have to represent you after your arrest.
This is a public service.
I'm doing it for everyone.
He's back.
Who's back? ("Pumpin' Blood" by Nonono plays) There you go.
That green stuff you like .
for some unknown reason.
So, drink up.
You look better.
Listen, I was thinking Maybe it would help to go away again, you know? Maybe it would help to go away again, you know? Maybe it would help Spend some time at one of those places you and Dani talk about? Rob? Look, I know it's expensive, but so what? I mean I just want you to feel better.
You know, figure out what's causing thesepanic attacks.
Please stop being so nice to me.
What do you mean? I know what's causing the panic attacks.
I did something and I feel sick.
Andandit's what It's the reason I can't sleep.
What are you talking about, babe? I was with someone.
Sorry, wha? What? I'm so, so sorry! With someone, meaning .
meaning what? It was just the once, and it will never, ever happen again.
Who? Who was it? Um, doesn't matter.
But it does to me.
No, it really doesn't.
That's why I ended it, because it was wrong.
I I was afraid you were thinking of leaving me.
II never thought for a second that you'd cheat.
Done what? A budget.
One we can both follow.
Well, I guess it's more of a financial plan than a budget.
That soundssensible.
Agreed, but sensible is better than poor and sad, which is what we're going to be if we don't run with sensible.
What? And you have no savings.
Who has savings? When you were staying with your dad, you didn't think about putting some money aside? No, I thought about it a lot.
It's justyou had less outgoings but got into more debt.
How does that work? Magic.
The beauty products and services column alone, it's crazy town.
It costs a lot for me to look like this.
Baby, you look gorgeous, no matter what, so, do you really have to spend all that money on hairdressers and salons? Let me tell you a little bit about Greek hair.
Hold that thought.
Oh, impeccable timing.
Thank you, I aim to please.
Dani was just going to tell me about Greek hair.
How you going? What?! Who would do this? This is a public street.
Who does that? Horrible, mean people, that's who.
I know, right? Totally.
This freak keeps writing abusive notes and leaving them on my windscreen.
And, excuse me, but underline much? Here, here.
Why don't you let me take that for you? Thanks.
That's alright.
You know, the rangers have actually been patrolling this area.
Um, maybe if you give me your number, if I see him around .
give you a call, warn you, or whatever.
But what if there was an explanation for the woman in his flat? Oh, what - like it was his sister, wearing lingerie, giving me the evil eye? Well, no, that would be wrong.
And so is every other explanation that I can come up with.
I dodged a bullet.
Yeah, but why would he take you back there if he was seeing someone else? He double-booked.
Oh, just give him another chance.
Why would I? 'CauseI love it when you're bad.
I was not bad.
I was tired and emotional.
Oh, look.
You're both single, and sexy Oh, no, stop, don't.
I've been around it enough times in my head to know that it would never work.
He's not coming tonight, is he? No.
No, I.
Not that I couldn't handle it.
I just think it'd be awkward for him.
Mm, yeah, of course.
He's a player.
And he's way too young.
Yeah, and way too hot.
It's not funny.
I'm off.
Bye, Grace.
Bye, Steve.
What's going on with you guys? Is this about the hair? I'm just I'm upset because Steve dropped the 'B' word on me this morning.
Steve called you a bitch? 'Budget'.
He's put us on a budget.
Lunch was lovely.
Thanks, Mum.
It's your recipe.
Those onions you added are going to repeat all afternoon, though.
Are you ready for a little walk, then? Is that your subtle way of suggesting I'm due some physio? Oh, I suppose you're right.
Don't want my hip to lock up on me.
You really shouldget some comfortable furniture, at least.
Oh, it does me.
Well, while Warwick's not here, I suppose you'll get by.
No, I can do it.
Wouldn't you know it? I've gone and left all my pills at home.
I packed them all Is there something you need now? Lunchtime, yes.
And another in anan hour or so.
Sorry to inconvenience you, but I've got to go.
But don't you want your little walk first? Oh, no.
It'll only annoy me.
Then I will annoy you .
Oh, Mum, you're not annoying me.
I'll get my bag.
Hang on, you actually want to come to FAT nightby yourself? No? Not no.
Just why? 'Cause last time was fun.
Uh-huh? And, uh, Grace will be there, yeah? Grace? You like Grace? OK, it is possible that at your wedding, Grace and I No way.
You dirty dog! Grace, huh? How was it? No, wait, don't Don't tell me.
She's apassionate, beautiful woman.
But I ruined it with her.
Oh, it wouldn't be hard.
You know she has a list.
For what? Mr Right.
She has a very high bar, mate.
She wants some uber-achieving dude who wears a suit and tie.
I can wear a tie.
Oh, mate.
Guys, parking rangers.
Ooh, I have my friend's van.
I'll see you tonight? Alright, man.
See ya.
I mean, that's the thing with men.
First they woo you, they woo the hell out of you, sparing no expense, and thenthen you marry them and the woo just dries up.
You know, I mean, they get you in with the promise of the woo, but there's no woo, Grace.
There's just no woo.
Oh, OK.
No, it's false advertising, that's what it is.
Is it false advertising or is it unrealistic expectations? Meaning? Have you heard the expression 'Daddy's little girl'? Oh, no, Dad has nothing to do with this.
Steve wooed me.
And now that's over, our future is nothing but rules and budgets.
Sometimes, parents overcompensate.
What? Mum walked out and I'm spoilt? Diamond earrings for your 12th birthday? A huge party for your 16th? No, I It was to celebrate me getting my braces off.
There were 100 people.
A lot of them were family.
There was an ice sculpture, Dani.
For your 18th, you got a car.
I got a set of legal encyclopaedias.
No, youyou specifically asked for those.
The point isthat's how you and your dad coped.
Right? You can't expect the same from Steve.
You can't equate being loved with getting stuff.
Steve is being responsible.
Oh, so I'm spoilt and irresponsible? Wouldn't it be good to be out of debt? Yeah, I know, you're right.
I just It's just really depressing.
Hey, chicas, what a beautiful day! Thatis depressing.
Ohhh! Yeah.
This is ridiculous.
Please don't speak right now.
We're gonna have to get you to take the test again.
You just blew over.
Over? I'm afraid so.
She told you, she had a glass of wine with lunch.
I had two.
I just wanted To resolve it To make peace with Rob? Go home.
Not without you.
Pff! Hey.
Hey! Oh, props have arrived, huh? Bit messy, sorry.
Those are Ridiculous.
I was gonna say, "Those are hot.
" You don't think they're .
slutty? Oh, you say that like it's a bad thing.
Well, I don'tI don't see how the model can even walk in them.
So, where does aa parking inspector like to go for a date? II decided against it.
Did you? Mm.
Well, that's probably a wise choice.
The guy's a tool.
What? I just This has made me realise that I'm gonna have to .
get out there again.
I thought you were here to focus on work.
Yeah, II am, but I justyou know, I have to start living my life eventually.
I can't sit round here, knitting and chatting with YOU every night.
It's Tom.
Um, from the driveway.
There'sthere's no way I'll fit in there.
Yeah, you will.
I'llI'll keep looking.
Look, we've been going round in circles long enough.
Why would you do that? You just told me to.
No, I mean why did you fuck someone? WHY?! I don't You know what? Don't bother.
Rob, please.
Yeah, so, budget red, budget napkins, budget beer.
At least you're not budget, baby.
Are you saying that I'm high maintenance? Ooh, should I toss wine in my face now or wait till after dessert so you can do it? Oh, and while I'm giving you reasons to hate me, we better set another place.
I invited Carlos.
Why did you do that? Problem? Hmm Baby, you invited him to the last one.
Any reason he shouldn't come? OK, I haven't told you this yet, but .
Grace and Carlos kind of did it at our wedding.
They did? But it only happened once and it was meant to be a secret, so Secret liaisons, secret parking fines.
Aren't you just full of surprises? Don't worry about it.
It's fine.
This is delicious, Dani.
What do you call it? Mmm, it's like a moussaka/lasagne hybrid.
So, a 'moussagne'.
Huh, funny.
OK, what has the final word? Line or the sign? Line.
Has to be the sign.
Wrong, it's the line, because I got done for parking near a yellow line even though the sign said I could park there.
Evil bastards! See, you tease me, but I was very upset, Carlos.
Mm, actually, Colette, I bet your husband never gives you a hard time about parking fines.
Rob never gives her a hard time about anything.
Oh, I miss Rob.
'Obrigada', Carlos.
Nice try, pretty lady.
That's what I said.
That's what ladies say.
Women say 'obrigada'.
Well, I don't know what all the fuss is about.
You know, I always get a park.
Ohhh! I hate people like you! Yeah, that won't last in this area.
hat about Tom? I mean, he's got off-street parking.
Why don't you hate him? We do.
No, that's OK.
Look, I've got it.
I'll help.
Really, I've got it.
Let me.
OK! Why do you think that doesn't work when you're with me, though.
Because your good luck should just Hi.
How are you? Yeah, no, I'm good.
Uh, I want to explain about thegirl Oh, really, it's Oit's OK.
I saw her a few times, months ago, and she stole my key and had it cut because she's a little bit loca.
Yeah, you don't owe me anything.
It's OK.
No, I know, but I never wouldhave You know, I wanted you to stay.
Are you guys in a line? No, um, it's I'm done.
It's me.
Just a sec.
I'm coming in.
What's wrong? And don't say nothing.
You You barely ate and you're not talking.
It's alright.
What? If I promise to tell you, you can't tell anybody! You can't No-one, not even Steve.
Of course.
Of course.
I cheated on Rob.
Oh, my God.
I know.
Wellwhen? Well I mean, who? The barista.
Him! Please don't look at me like that.
Youyou encouraged all the flirting.
I thought it was just a crush.
I didn't actually think you'd do anything about it.
So, Rob knows? The look on his face! Ohh Here, dude.
Thank you.
Tell your missus it was great.
I gotta go.
Where? Justout.
Who with? Nobody.
He's seeing the girl whose been blocking the driveway.
Oh, so, I can't date the nazi, but you can date the turkey, hmm? What turkey? In my defence, this chick is hotter than the sun.
Oh, so, she's a hot turkey chick? What's a baby turkey called? Is it a chick? No, no.
I don't know.
Yeah, OK, this conversation has officially become ridiculous, so I'm out.
Go, go.
Be with your turkey girl.
Why do you even care who I go out with? I don't.
So, go.
Gobble, gobble.
Anyway, I'mI'm off.
I'm outta here.
Yeah, I'm gonna go too.
I'm not feeling very well.
Oh, well, tell Robbo he missed a kick-arse lasagne.
Oh, no, what's it called? 'Moussagne'.
Yeah, I will.
Bye, guys.
Bye! Yeah, I got it! You got the job! I got the job! Yeah, Gracie! I'm so happy for you.
Where is the job? In Canberra? No, it's here! Major exciting move.
She's gonna be a defamation lawyer for a bunch of goss magazines.
Yeah, ensuring all the headlines are completely true.
No, ensuring we can't get sued printing them.
I am so happy for you! Ooh, and all the free magazines I'm gonna get.
Very impressive.
Actually, to celebrate, Carlos, why don't you give Grace a lift back into the city? Love to.
Oh, no.
I was gonna get ataxi.
No, it's no trouble.
It will be my pleasure.
Mwah! Thank you.
("So Good At Being In Trouble" by Unknown Mortal Orchestra plays) Hello? Oh, Joseph, hi.
Um, didn't you get my text? Well, I guess there's no harm in being persistent.
Um, where do you want to meet? So, now that you've got the job, where are you going to live? Around here? Uhum, yeah Uh, all my friends are around here, so, yeah, probabprobably.
I guess we'll be seeing more of each other.
Uhlook, Carlos, I would be lying if I said that I didn't find you really, really .
Brazilian and attractive.
And, absolutely, we had a great time the other night.
I agree.
Ijust think that we probably need to not see each other anymore.
Why? Because of the girl? Because we're very different.
Idon't get that at all.
It's justI'm not .
not really the kind of girl that hangs out in vans on the side of the road in the middle of the night.
Then why are you here? Oh, no, no.
No, you can't park there.
It's disabled parking.
So? ("This Head I Hold" by Electric Guest plays) Do you know that a baby turkey is called a 'poult'.
Turkeys, yuck.
Christmas is so boring.
It's the oldest trick in the book.
I don't make the rules.
I just enforce 'em.
But fairly, efficiently If we don't have rules, what have we got? Uh Anarchy.
Does anyone thank me for it? No.
I just get bottles thrown at my head from moving cars.
Oh, thatthat's terrible.
You should hear 'em complain when they have someone park in front of their garage.
You know? Then they want the parking rangers.
When it suits them.
What are you doin'? Tweeting.
About me? What? Hey.
Where did you send that? Ah! That's a nice photo.
But I don't think that's actually how you spell 'loser'.
Whatevs! More coffees? Uh, no.
I think we're right.
Um, can I borrow a pen for a sec, actually? So, my next shift starts in 45 minutes, which means, um What? Well, if we're gonna have sex before work, my window's closing.
Uh, I think I just wound that window right up.
I think that's how you Oh, my God! You're the freak! Underliner! Oh, that's just great.
Excuse me.
Duty calls.
See ya.
Hey, Mum.
OK, OK Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, calmcalm down.
Calm down.
Where? Where are you? Thanks.
Yeah, look, that's not good enough.
That copper was 12 years old if he was a bloody day! Well, you should have just called me as soon as it happened.
Oh, darling, there is no point in all of us sitting around for hours, waiting for blood tests and fingerprints andstatements.
Where did they get you? Ohh! On my way to Mum's.
Oh What are they doing out there at that time, anyway?! Oh, I think they were trying to keep drunk drivers off the road, Mum.
Oh, alright! Enough of the moralising.
I was trying to keep the peace with Mum.
Yeah, well, it could have waited.
And I've never had so much as a speeding fine in my life.
So, up your bum.
Yeah, OK.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Oh! Look at you.
You're a mess.
I am a mess.
Hey? How am I gonna look after Mum if I lose my licence? Mm.
They stuck your nanna in the back of a police car to drive her home.
It was terrible.
Mum Hey, no.
You can't You should be ashamed of yourself.
What are doing? Oh, I'm sorry! It's stress release.
Ohhh! And I don't want your father to hear about this.
Got it? Fair call.
It's weird Rob didn't come.
He always gets someone to cover his emergency blackouts on FAT night.
I think he just couldn't find anyone.
Hey, um, let's try it your way for a while, with the budget.
Are you OK? I'll admit it - when it comes to money, I'm hopeless.
So, am I.
But in the opposite way, so .
it all balances out.
What brought this up? I just I don't want us to be awful to each other.
I mean, you might run off with a girl who has savings.
I was considering it.
I justI don't want to feel like I'm in a budget prison.
I get that.
And I really don't want to feel like a teacher.
So, is this the end of our first fight as a married couple? I hope so.
Me too.
This is the part where we get to have make-up sex.
I don't know how to do this.
Me neither.
I've packed my bags.
I can go for a few days or .
for a while or Are you going to him? Is that what this is? No God, no! I'm going home to Perth.
Good idea.
("This Fire" by Birds Of Tokyo plays) What is it? Oh, nothnothing.
I just, um Yeah? I just didn't think that I would be having sex in a van tonight.
Or, um, evever.
That almost sounds like regret.
You're not regretting this, are you? Not yet.
This fire, this fire, this fire We lit it This fire, this fire, this fire We lit it This fire, this fire, this fire We lit it Hey.
How was your night? Mm.
Mind if I join you? Not at all.
Want a top-up? How was yours? It was greattoo.
She's ashe's a great girl.
How was, um .
uh, what-his-name? Oh, the perfect gentleman.
Just really polite andhonest.
Almost, um, too honest, if that's a thing.
That'sthat's That's nice.
Yeah, he iswas.
It is.
Cheers, big ears.
You a bit drunk, Miss Beaumont.
Not nearly enough.
So, yeah, it was probably the worst date ever - not that I have anything to compare it to.
Yeah, but it sounds like a dream compared to mine.
She was a real piece of work! Yeah, and now you have to pay her fines! Right.
Brilliant! I know! Hey, I saw you, by the way, leaving the Tratt.
Were you so pissed off that you wouldn't even say hello? No, well, I didn't see you for a start.
And, oh, Mum got into some trouble withher car.
You and cars.
Hmm? Yes.
More? Oh, no, no, no.
I, um I'll be a nightmare tomorrow.
I need water and bed.
Ooh! Jesus! Oh, I don't believe it.
Excuse me? The heels! What - these old things? Oh! Oh! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Here we go.
Help Whoa! Oh! I got ya! I got ya.
You OK? Yep.
Any time.
Thank you.
That's OK.
I was No, it was That was me and these heels and Yeah.
the vodka in the We're drunk.
Um Let'slet'slet's forget that.
Yep, totally.
What do you mean? Forget what? Yeah.
I'mgoing to go Me too.
See you.
Yeah, see ya.
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.