Wonderland (2013) s01e07 Episode Script

Hooking Up

- We should call it a night.
- Yeah.
What are you? The marriage police? - No, man.
- Tell Colette to back off.
She doesn't know I'm here.
I can't imagine life without you.
I want us to get through this.
I miss the fireworks, Maggie.
I miss you.
If you sleep with a flatmate in the next 12 months you sign the car rego over to me.
I wanted to say what a great thing it is we have as friends.
Friends.
Totally.
Maybe I'm the problem.
- Come on.
You can't be serious.
- What? Well, you're gorgeous, you're talented.
If you can't get a date, you must be looking in gay bars.
It's not that I can't get a date.
It's just that the guys that ask me out - Are all desperate.
- Sleazy.
- I mean, it is always like that? - Where have you been? I haven't done the whole dating thing.
- Never? - What? With Adam, it was just, "Meet you behind the shed, have a pash," and we were together from then on.
I know it can't be that hard, but I just I don't know where to start.
- What you need is a theme week.
- As in? As in my cousin the Zumba inst Stop it! She's stunning! She's just like you.
She had a lot of problems finding the right guy so she made a list of guys she wouldn't normally date and then went out with them in theme weeks.
- That really worked? - Mm-hm, beard week.
I just got asked to be a bridesmaid.
That's too funny.
- I've never dated a redhead.
- Ginger week.
Miranda? Does anyone know any nice bald guys? The future and all that it holds And I walked with intent Left no room for regret You don't miss something you never had Come on, come inside Whoa-oh whoa-oh oh We don't see what's Right before our eyes.
- Alright, try this.
- Ooh.
Mmm! You're a genius.
It'll be even better by tonight.
You've saved a FAT night virgin from potential disaster.
So what happens when everyone's cooked their lasagne? They move on to another dish, risotto, curry Sounds good.
I don't know why Dani's never invited me.
Hey! Tom - flatmate.
Matt - amazing chef.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Alright, have a try of this now.
Mmm, what's that flavour? It's, uh, my secret ingredient.
I could tell you maybe over a coffee tomorrow if you're free.
Yeah, I'd love to.
OK.
Looks a bit flat out there, mate.
I reckon Shorty's would be going off.
Oh, don't tempt me.
Hey, uh, you haven't said anything to Grace, have you? Or Colette? - About what? - Thanks, mate.
What happens down the coast stays down the coast, huh? That's what I've heard, yeah.
Well, let's try the point.
I'm home! Wow! You look Adorable? Absolutely.
Did you have a job interview come up today? No, that agency's hopeless.
I do more networking in one run to the bakery than they do in an entire week.
So is that a new dress? No, I was sorting out the wardrobe and I found it.
I completely forgot that I bought this.
What? Don't you like it? Well, yeah, but we're only going next door, and my sister's cooking so you'll need pockets to hide the food.
You OK? I'm dressing up for FAT night, for goodness sakes.
- I need to get a job.
- You will! - When? - Soon.
I'm looking online and offline.
I'm stalking my recruiter.
I'm making courtesy calls and follow-up calls.
I made a vision board today, babe.
Hey, it's the weekend, so let's just let it all go until Monday, OK? Coming in? We have time.
Um, I'm just gonna squeeze in a quick snack first.
I'm starving.
I'll grab a shower later.
It's a little bit over the top, don't you think? - Excuse me? - Bringing in a chef.
- You mean Matt? - Matt.
Yeah, the cooking bit was just a bonus.
I'm dating him 'cause he's bald.
- Oh, of course.
- It's called theme dating.
Dani told me about it.
She hooked me up with Matt too.
Because who'd wanna stick with the crazy idea of going out with someone just because you're attracted to them? That's narrowing the field of attraction.
I'm expanding on it.
- Oh, so it's a science.
- It's a theory.
Choosing someone by a physical appearance which they have no control over is not a theory.
It it just crass.
Actually, it's the opposite.
It's looking beyond the physical.
Who are you calling? Bruce Willis? What? Do you have his number? Well, what if I only decided to hook up with women who have big boobs? 'Boobs'? How old are you? - What? - It's such an off word.
'Breast' is nice.
OK, well, women with large breasts.
- Shame on you, Coxie.
- Oh, whatever! Buck teeth, long legs, big ears You're missing the point.
It's a valid way to meet someone.
- What's wrong with the pub? - Get those beer goggles on.
Why don't you try online dating? No, no, too many questions and forms.
No.
See, forms can be a good thing.
You just tick a few boxes, adjust a few filters Get a Brazilian student who rides a scooter.
I know a legal secretary who uses online dating to meet married men because she doesn't want the emotional baggage.
Booty call! - Hey, yeah! - Ooh! What do you know about booty calls? That's the first two words of English he learned.
Oh! You blasted, stupid, bloody piece of rubbish.
Connect! Good evening.
- Hello? - Who is that?! - Is that Warwick? - This is Rajib.
Very pleased to be talking with you.
Oh, I am so sorry.
I'm trying to get Skype working.
I must have the wrong number.
I think you are a very sexy lady.
Very sexy eyes, huh? Can you see me? Warwick, I can't get it to work.
Tom will have to sort it out in the morning.
Yes, yes, yes.
We'll try it then.
'Night.
This is sensational.
Miranda, you're gonna make some follicly-challenged guy out there a very happy man.
What is that? Is that bay leaf? - Uh, you're on the right track.
- No, it's not that.
- Is it wild mushroom? - Can't say.
- Lime zest.
- Pesto.
Did you actually cook this? - Rude! - What's the secret ingredient? It's a friend's recipe.
I swore I wouldn't tell.
It tastes like, um, baldness.
It's Matt's recipe, isn't it? He did give me some pointers, yep.
My gosh, it is good! Mmm.
- So do you like him? - Yeah.
- We're meeting again tomorrow.
- Ooh! The guy's theme-dating girls who have hair.
- Go figure.
- Oh, ha-ha.
- Where is he taking you? - To the Tratt for coffee.
Actually, I've got a bald student who's gorgeous that you should meet.
- I can only do one at a time.
- No! Really? You'd date more than one person at the same time? Of course.
That's normal unless you've had the conversation.
Thanks, man.
I'm on scooter duty tonight.
I have to drive drunk people home, not be one of them.
Well, you do look adorable on that fold-up baby scooter.
What do you mean, the 'conversation'? You know, when you both decide that you're mutually exclusive.
- That's a conversation? - Until then, anything goes.
It'd be a lot easier if you just cut to the chase.
Like, shag each other and then go to dinner.
Well, it's not where you go.
It's how you get there.
Getting there for you involves the scenic walk from the kitchen to your bedroom.
- Ohh! - At least be accurate.
I mean, things might end in disaster, but at least I always start the right way.
And it might sound cliched, but romance is not dead.
Right, it's just in a coma.
A bunch of flowers, a nice meal, you know, a walk along the beach If you're gonna do it you may as well do it well.
So that was an interesting conversation tonight.
Tom's a romantic.
Wouldn't have picked it, huh? No, I meant your conversation about THE conversation.
Oh.
You don't agree? No, I Sure, yeah.
We're both single and we're free to pursue whatever we want - booty calls, bald dates, the whole smorgasbord.
Smorgasbord? It's lots of tables with the food laid out, you just take your pick.
There's prawns, beef It's Scandinavian.
I know what a smorgasbord is.
I didn't think you saw sex in that way.
Look, the point is we're both on the same page.
Single and free? - Yeah.
- Is that what you want? Why not? It's not like this is a long-term thing.
How about Coxie tonight, all that romance crap? He's absolutely full of it.
You're absolutely full of it.
You're a complete romantic.
- No, I'm not! - You are.
We've had lots of beautiful dates together.
Yeah? Name one.
I could name about 20.
Mexican party, New Year's Eve.
Yeah, the cocktails and the dancing.
It rained on us.
That was the best night.
It's when I knew we were gonna be together.
I thought we were gonna get a lie-in.
Scooter run.
It won't take long.
Sleep.
- Hurry back.
- Alright.
Time to wake up! Hello.
- That's that's my house.
- Mm-hm.
Here.
I might need some help.
All part of the service.
Oy, oy.
OK.
You sit there.
- Ohh - Oy.
Hello, miss? Mmm Is there someone inside that can help you? He left me for a peroxide tart.
I'm sorry.
I can't go in there alone.
Don't leave me just yet.
Come on.
Put your feet on the ground.
Come on.
Here we go.
One, two, three.
And up! OK, oy! OK.
OK.
Come on.
Did you have more call-outs? Just the one - difficult client, very drunk.
That took hours.
Very, very crazy.
Drunk.
Sleep.
I'm so tired, amor.
Has it been raining? I don't think so.
Your hair's wet.
I had a shower.
I had a shower.
- Hey, mate.
- Hey, I borrowed your wax.
I won't be a sec.
You can have it back.
No, you're right.
Flat as a tack out there.
- Yeah, I'll give it a go.
- Yeah.
- It's not working, man.
- What's that? Me and Colette.
Since she told me about that prick I haven't been able to Wax her board? All I can see is her and him and Yeah, that's not gonna help.
I've made every excuse under the sun, but it's pretty bloody obvious, you know? Mmm.
Maybe it's a time thing.
I don't know.
Nah, you'll be right, mate.
You just gotta figure out a way to get your head back to how it was before it happened, you know? Yep.
on that ostrich egg so far.
You don't want that? Do you think it's weird to wash your hair and have a shower before you come to bed at 5am? No, not really.
Washing your shirt and hanging it over the shower rail at 5am, that's pretty strange.
I'm sure there's a very good reason.
Probably.
Have you two had the conversation yet? If there's one conversation I don't need to be having it's this one.
I'll be in the shower.
Good-o.
Heavy floral scent.
Definitely an older lady.
It's not a crime scene.
Having a shower now.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Yeah, so it's early days, but so far, so good with the restaurant.
Touch wood.
Um, I'm sure it'll be a big hit.
I mean, your lasagne was last night.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Still, I had the best sous-chef around.
Oh What was the secret ingredient? You didn't tell me.
Yeah, I might have led you on there a bit.
I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.
Bad way to end a date.
Yeah, that'd be a shame.
Sorry.
I don't usually, um, rush into something like this.
Me either, especially a bald date, but Dani went and organised the whole thing.
Sorry, sorry.
Did you just say 'bald' date? Bald? No, I said 'blind'.
Why why would I say 'bald'? You told him that it was bald week? Yeah.
What is wrong with me? Men don't like to be objectified! It's no different to women.
And then I made it worse by telling him that we probably wouldn't have met even if he did have hair.
That's good.
I think you're going about it the wrong way, though.
- Well, what's the right way? - Aren't you on the rebound? I'm not looking for a husband.
I just I wanna meet new guys, nice ones, and have fun.
- Yeah.
- Right now, this isn't fun.
No.
You know what you need to do? You need to write a list - must-haves and deal-breakers.
Guys who miss when they go to the toilet.
Good.
There goes What else have you got? Men with legs? No.
Ordering cooked pineapple on pizza.
Eugh! - I can't go there.
- Oh, yes, no-one should.
Brogues.
Any shoes with tassels, really.
- Smokers.
- Ooh, yes.
Phone checkers, phone checkers.
Yes.
Guys who alphabetise their books.
Actually, Adam did that.
That is so wrong.
What? Hey, it's OK.
You can bag Adam.
Don't go quiet.
I just feel judgemental.
Can we do the must-haves? OK, you write.
Now, do you want an apple? No.
What is the secret ingredient to make someone the right person? - Fish and chips.
- Huh? I'm starving.
You wanna get some fish and chips? - Yeah, OK.
- Yeah? OK, I just gotta do something.
Give me 10.
You keep thinking.
- Sure.
- OK.
- You just do this.
- Mmm.
- And then you do this.
- Ohh.
That should stop anything you don't want from coming through.
As long as there are no more strange men.
Yeah, poor guy.
You probably got his hopes up, Mum.
So how do I see your father? Well, you just call and he'll appear.
It's really simple.
- Clear as mud.
- Mmm.
What are you and Dad skyping for anyway? Easier to call him, isn't it? Your father's missing his conjugal Oh, no, no! La-la-la-la-la! Oh, la-la-la! You are so squeamish! I'm sorry.
I've got a lunch.
Gotta go.
A date? With a real girl? Oh, no, no, no.
Not a date.
Definitely not a date.
No.
It's just a friendly friend thing.
'Bye.
Oh, what are you doing in the cupboard? Ohh, found it! It still fits me like it was yesterday, huh? What do you reckon? Feel like a bit of Mexican later? A little tequila? I could make mojitos.
There's no tequila in a mojito.
Oh, of course.
A margarita.
And fajitas, senorita, huh? It could be fun.
You in? I'm in if you're in.
I'll make burritos.
Let's make it special.
Yeah, let's.
Picking flowers? Just one.
Oh, I was gonna call you, see if you wanted to come to a charity polo match.
Uh, thanks, but Rob's organising a special lunch for us.
Progress! That's good, right? He's excited.
I'm hopeful.
Well, that's an excellent combination.
I approve.
All mixed with Mexican.
Mm, spicy.
Even better.
Well, that should work.
It will, won't it? It has to.
Yum.
Thanks.
I got you a pineapple fritter, knowing how much you love cooked pineapple.
Liar.
You did not.
Where are these from? Knowing the best places to go - that's all part of the magic.
Ahh.
How'd you find it? I've been going there since we used to go for school holidays.
So you've never had a bad date in your life? Nup, never.
Oh, come on.
Are you kidding? Hmm.
There was this one girl, very pretty, first date, we get to this bar and she orders two jugs of sangria for herself.
- Two? Oh, my gosh.
- Mm-hm.
And then later she's in the ladies and I run into an old friend, a girl, and when my date comes out she sees us chatting and she tries to fight her.
- No, that's not true.
- I swear.
And then it pretty much all went downhill from there.
Oh, I am feeling so much better.
THEN then when I tried to drop her home Last chance to come to polo or I'm going with Alice.
Not Alice the man-hater? I'd much rather go with you.
Nah, I'm good right here, thanks.
- You'll miss out.
- On what? Dodging horse poo? - What are you gonna do? - TV, coffee, surf - You'll miss me.
- You'll miss me.
I bet I'll have a much better day than you.
- No way.
- You wanna make that official? - You're on, buddy.
- Ohh.
Give my love to Alice.
Come back to bed.
Carlos, why did you have a shower when you got home this morning? Because I had to have a shower.
And you washed your shirt because? Wait.
Are you accusing me of something? I'm just trying to get the story straight.
You're angry because I had a shower? Ah-ha-ha! You're jealous.
It means you care about me.
Oh I'm not jealous.
I'm just trying to stop you from taking advantage.
Jealous.
You think just 'cause you're Brazilian you can get away with it.
- Jealous! - With your accent and your Oh, so jealous.
I had no idea you cared this much.
Listen.
We don't have any claim on each other.
That bit is sorted.
So just don't rub my face in it or take me for a fool.
I have a hairdressing appointment.
Meaning I'm going, so let yourself out.
I'll come with you.
I don't have time to wait for you.
Hey, man.
Come in.
Good timing.
Uh, I need a little favour.
What's the matter? - I'm in serious shit.
- OK.
I left my wallet at a woman's house last night.
- What woman? - A client.
- Oh, man! - No, it's not how it sounds! It was a crazy situation and my wallet fell out of my pocket.
So what? You can't just go and get it? Not so easily.
- You need a lift? - I need a bodyguard.
ROB: OK, OK.
Happy New Year! Obviously, it'll look better at night, but This is so lovely.
It's it's not exactly the same, but it's pretty close.
You walked in and you were standing right there.
You had that pink top on that showed your shoulders.
I borrowed it from Dani.
You had a flower in your hair.
And you were sitting in this chair, senorita.
Oh! Oh, shit! Are you OK? I'm sorry.
Ohh Hi, mate.
Um, last night my - You want your wallet? - Yeah, a friend of mine Is that Carlos? Carlos! Ohh Oh! Want me to kick you out?! Man, are you OK? Yeah, yeah.
I think that went well.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
Good job.
Oh, you should've tried passionfruit.
It's awesome.
No, you should've tried tiramisu.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
- Taste? - Yeah.
- Hey! - Mmm! Mmm that is good.
I have another theory.
Oh, yeah? Does it involve theme week? I think partly the reason why I don't like going out with new guys is Well, it's to do with Jeremy.
Jeremy? In what way? At some point I'll have to say my younger brother died, which has this effect, you know? Yeah.
Breaking up with Adam is like It's like losing this shared history.
You know, he's the last guy I'll be with that knows Jeremy.
That's sad.
And he was there when my family was still together and everyone was happy.
Mmm.
You remember that time your dad put us in the boot and drove us through town so no-one would know he was letting us wag school? Yeah, and then when we got home, Jeremy yelled out, "Daddy took us to the rodeo!" It was hilarious! I know, I know.
I think I'm primed.
Thanks for the masterclass.
No worries.
You two can have the perfect date now.
So what would define the perfect date? I don't know.
It depends.
I guess it would be a day where if I got stuck in some kind of time loop and I had to relive it over and over forever I wouldn't mind.
Ah, good answer.
Then again, maybe a perfect date's got four wheels.
Oh, the car's not even part of it.
So where was Miranda going with this Jeff bloke? Just coffee.
I wonder what I'd look like with no hair.
Bald.
I bet you Coxie wishes he was bald right about now.
You think he's starting to really fall for Miranda? Yep.
Obviously not more than his car.
No.
Oh, I don't know how I feel about this bet anymore.
I'm starting to feel bad for her.
Oh, it's OK.
She doesn't know about it.
Yeah, but what if they're right for each other, you know? Well Coxie's just gonna have to suck it up for a while.
He's a guy who's always used to getting what he wants except for one thing.
Have you ever noticed that we always end up talking about Tom? Tom who? Oh Are you happy? I can't get you and the barista out of my head! I can't keep saying I'm sorry.
We weren't talking or or doing anything together.
I liked that he remembered how I took my coffee and that he was interested in my day, that he asked about my life.
It just went from there.
You wanna know what's really funny? I wasn't gonna tell you this, but when I went away down the coast there was this girl and she was up for it and I was really pissed off and we went out the back and I I couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it.
It was like I was cheating on you, you know? How dumb is that? I I didn't do it.
Part of me wishes you had.
I thought you said Tom had fixed everything.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just hold your horses.
I think this is it.
Warwick, are you naked already?! Of course I'm naked! Isn't that what this is about? I can't find my damn glasses.
Oh, don't! Don't bend over in front of the webcam.
They might be up here.
Or stand up! Oh! Oh, don't! Ohh! What did you really do with that woman? Here.
Hold it on.
I didn't do anything with her.
I'm meant to believe he decked me like that for no reason? - I told you, I comforted her.
- How did you comfort her? Man, I was not lying before, OK? She climbed on top of me and I had to wriggle out and that's when my wallet must have come out.
- And that's it? - That's all.
Good, 'cause you're gonna have to tell Grace.
No! Why? Grace is already suspicious.
It's not necessary.
I can't hide this from my wife and I sure as hell am not lying to her about it.
So, yes, it's necessary.
And then he fell to the ground like he got hit by Popeye! He's on the ground seeing those little birds, you know? How is this funny? Oh, it's not funny.
Absurd.
I guess you had to be there.
Watching Steve get a black eye because you've made a client's husband jealous? Trust me - that's not anywhere I'd ever want to be.
Grace, nothing happened, OK? I explained it all the way it was.
You disappear all night and you resurface with wet hair and her all over you.
- What would you think? - That I had a bad client.
What were you doing with your wallet out? I told you.
It fell out when I was trying to get away.
Or you were getting a condom.
Now you're insulting me.
You ride around on a fold-up scooter picking up drunk women for a living.
What's a bigger insult than that? Better answer your booty call.
That's good, Grace.
You've got the problem, not me.
Yoo-hoo! Husband? I won the bet! I have had the best day Oh, my God.
Your eye! I reckon I won.
Oh, babe, what happened? Well, I was having so much fun, way, way too much fun, and got into a fight.
You got into a punch-up? With who? Some dude Carlos was having trouble with.
I had to sort it out for him.
It was pretty heavy.
Oh, God.
You poor thing.
Here.
Let me make it better.
Ohh.
- So your day went well, huh? - Better than well.
I got asked to apply for the most incredible job.
- Yeah? - Mmm.
I'm going in for an interview on Monday, but I swear it's in the bag.
That is truly awesome.
Mm, I know.
Best 200 bucks I ever spent.
Oh, but if I'd known I would have come home sooner.
Oh, it's nothing.
Let's go out and celebrate.
Actually, I've already got some people from the polo at the Tratt.
But I didn't want to go without you, so will you come? Yeah, absolutely.
What's the point of having a black eye if you can't impress people with it? You know, I really thought you'd miss me.
I really did.
Get dressed.
I'll be back.
- Where are you going? - Mm-hm! Every little thing I do I do for you With every little thing I think a thought of you And I try so hard not to notice I try so hard not to care I try so hard not to know that you're not here I try so hard not to notice I try so hard not to care I try so hard not to know that you're not here But I'm counting down the hours And I'm counting up the days I try so hard not to show this side of me - Miranda.
- Uh, hold on.
I just dropped a stitch and if I lose it now and don't pick it up it's gonna be hard for me later.
OK, um, there's just something that I - Miranda! - Oh, come in.
Oh, good.
You're here.
We're going out.
What? Right now? Now? Yes, I met this guy at the polo.
He has a horse, he loves animals and when he took off his helmet he was bald as a bowling ball.
- He is the guy.
- Sounds gay to me.
Hey, shh! He's at the Tratt right now and he wants to meet you.
- Now? - Yeah, yeah, now, now.
You're gonna wear this.
You'll look amazing.
OK.
OK.
Well, I try so hard not to notice I try so hard not to care What do you think? Is it me? It's it's definitely you.
For me, anyway.
Could you help me with the zip? - I can't get - Oh, yeah, yeah.
This side of me This side of me This side of me This side of me This side of me This side of me This side of me There's no stopping you now, pudding.
Not when you taught me everything you know.
Have fun.
What kind of bloody ending was that? It's a historical documentary.
It's not like they could change it.
Switch it over to the news.
Oh, no.
It's the final episode of my show tonight.
Hasn't that thing finished yet? Oh, switch it over! I wanna see the weather and I'm sorry, darling.
I'm turning you off now.
Goodnight.
Here is to schmoozing and shiners.
Yeah.
Cheers.
You're a good friend.
He feels bad on all levels.
You don't really think Carlos would lie to you? Yeah.
Besides, his story was too stupid not to be true.
It's gonna piss down in a minute.
Then it will be exactly like last time.
Except it's not, is it? Tell me you think that's not a sign.
It's a faulty light, not a sign.
Nothing feels the same.
Well, that's not a bad thing.
Things are just different.
It's not as good.
Rob, that New Year's was great, but I think you're placing too much importance on it.
What? It didn't mean anything to you? I knew I wanted us to be together way before that night.
Do you remember? When we first started going out? You'd gone on a fishing trip with your brothers and you were late and you walked in, you were all sunburnt and salty there.
Something happened for me then.
What? I fell for you.
We sat close and I'd never felt more desire in my entire life.
I was hooked.
I still am.
More about you.
Oh, I haven't bored you senseless yet? Not even close.
I'm sort of at this new phase of my life where I'm open to new adventures.
- That's a great thing.
- I hope so.
But, um, the only thing is I don't know what happens next.
- Also a great thing.
- Yeah.
- Oh, so annoying.
- What? My mother.
Locked herself out of the house again.
Oh.
I could go for some pizza.
What about you? Um, sure, but what about your mum? She'll work it out.
Do they have Hawaiian? I got your text.
I meant what I said.
I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
And you do now? I wanna have the conversation.
We don't have to have it.
We already want the same thing.
You do too? Since the start.
Are you crazy? I can't look at another woman when I'm with you.