Wonderland (2013) s02e04 Episode Script

First World Problems

So, the interview went really well, I think.
No, it did, I'm sure it did.
Thank you for calling.
Why did I answer it? I just wish I didn't know.
Oh, you'll get a job, baby.
I probably shouldn't have this.
We want to see you both happy.
I am happy.
I'm laughing on the inside.
You totally saved my arse.
Yeah, you totally owe me lunch.
Apparently.
Is it Nick? It's us.
We don't fit.
You're thinking with your head and not with your heart.
What does that even mean?! It means you think you are looking for some guy who ticks all your boxes.
They've put me up at a serviced apartment, but I'm looking for somewhere around here.
Oh, good, then we might be bumping into each other a bit more, then? I've missed us being good mates.
Me, too.
Truce? Truce.
Miranda, major problem here! Oh, well, there's prunes in the pantry if that's going to help.
The toilet paper hangs flat to the wall for a reason, OK? OK.
It tears better that way.
Well, it rolls better the other way.
That's ridiculous.
Why are you being so thingy? I'm not being thingy.
No.
I'm not.
My way is actually the right way.
It-it saves time, and it saves paper.
I would love to stay and chat all night about toilet paper but I've got to get to the workshop.
Oh, I'm so glad we got to the bottom of this.
Hello? Hello? Ryan, you in there mate? I know you're in there.
I can smell your feet.
I've got beer here.
Oh, come on, mate.
Hey.
Sorry? OK, OK, OK.
Just sit tight and I'm coming over now, alright? I'm coming back, and I'm going to play ABBA until you open up this door! ABBA! It's me, it's me, it's me.
Idiot, why didn't you call out?! Well, I didn't want to scare the prowler.
You can put the stake down now, Buffy.
Don't make fun of me.
Well, there's no-one out there, I checked.
There was.
It wasn't my imagination.
There was someone out there.
Or something.
There was.
I heard footsteps.
Probably a serial killer and he's got a thing for blondes.
Thank you.
You can go.
Well, I'm here now.
I can probably get some work done.
You mind if I stay for a while? Hmm? I can't believe I'm finally doing it.
A post-grad diploma.
Lady, you are inspiring.
It's going to be so good to use that part of my brain again.
I'm jealous.
It's been ages since I've done anything new or exciting like that.
And I don't even care how bad 'mature-age student' sounds.
Hey, have you seen Rob lately? Tomorrow.
I'm collecting my mail.
But he hasn't invited me to FAT night.
Oh.
Don't take that personally.
Well, he came to mine, so it kind of is a little bit personal.
No, I mean he has been like that with everyone.
I don't think he's doing so well.
It's like he's gone into some sort of man-cave.
He seems really down.
Oh, well, I'll check it out tomorrow.
Anyway, I'd better go, I have some reading to do.
Good luck.
Hey, congrats again.
Thank you.
I'll talk to you soon.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
You're not staying for a drink? No, I have a course outline that I have to wrap my head around.
Who studies before they even start a course? Nerds.
Massive nerds.
Bye.
Bye.
Hello.
Hello.
So? They offered it to me on the spot.
The fashion job? No, the waste management one.
Oh.
Well, that's awesome.
Yeah, it is, I just I really wanted the fashion one.
I love that label.
Yeah, but the poo one sounds pretty good, too.
It's not poo, it's garbage! Oh, God, everyone's going to think I work in poo.
And I'm going to have permanent helmet hair.
Honey, you got the job! What are you doing? Job dance.
You should try it.
Do it! I'm doing it! How's this? That's pretty good.
Gosh, you're good at this.
Oh, enough! It is Friday night - drinks.
Yep, I just want to get these case notes fin Not happening.
Alright.
Where are we headed? Um, do you know what? I actually completely forgot band practice.
What? Yeah, I know, it's this funny little thing that I do sometimes, and Shame.
Yeah, so have a good night.
Bye.
Um, I'll just get the carbonara and garlic bread on the side.
And can I grab some wedges, please? Yeah, no worries.
Comfort food? You and Carlos - I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out.
Yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
Any plans for the weekend? Yeah.
No, I'm OK.
It wasn't really working out anyway.
It's probably for the best.
Tiramisu? Guilty as charged! Well, if you feel like a swim or you need some company, you know where to find me.
At home, wallowing in tiramisu.
Harry! You said that you were going to deal with this recycling.
And I will.
I've been busy, preparing.
For what? The sleep-out tomorrow night.
Sponsor me yet? No, I forgot.
Sorry.
Your karma.
I will go do that now.
I bookmarked the sponsor page on your laptop.
Helping, not prying.
Seriously, thank you for coming to my rescue.
So, my time in Boy Scouts wasn't a waste after all.
Do you do bird calls as well? That's Dani.
Oh, I know she is worried about Rob, but seriously, the guy just wants time out.
Hi.
Excellent.
Bulk deal.
Signing up sponsors for the sleep-out fundraiser.
Oh.
Who's in? You can do it old school now if you have the cash.
Yep.
Rob will get there.
You think? Yeah.
It's all part of the seven stages of grief, isn't it? What, hibernation is one of the seven stages of grief? He's a dude, he doesn't want to talk about it.
It's normal.
How is he going to host a FAT night if he won't even open the door to Tom? He didn't open the door to Tom? I know you're in there.
I can smell your feet.
Alright.
You right? Emergency key.
And this is an emergency.
There's a good swell out there, man.
You should go for a surf.
You hibernating? I'm fine.
Righto.
Well, you're doing the whole 'break-up, mope around, live in a dump' thing, are you? I'm doing the 'I don't have a woman nagging me' thing.
You never lived like this before Colette.
Well, I've been busy, alright? What's it to you? Oh.
Come have brekkie.
Nup.
Come on, this place is depressing.
No.
Well, you don't have to stick around, you know?! He kicked you out, didn't he? Well, what about tonight? Do you think he's up for cooking? Well, I didn't get a chance to ask him, but my guess is no.
That's it, I'm gonna What? I am going to call his mother.
Colette has her number.
Hey.
No.
Hey, you are not bringing his family into this.
Let's just give him time to work things out.
Time? He's been like this for weeks.
We've gotta do something.
He knows we're here, OK? He'll come when he's ready.
.
.
27, 27.
50, 28.
Got another goldie? Round it up? Uh, maybe.
There you go, 30 bucks.
Money well spent, Rob.
Well spent.
Right, well, good luck tonight, eh? You, too.
I don't know how you're going to cook a prizewinning curry if you haven't started yet.
I'll sort it out.
It's no secret.
We all know what you're going through.
What are you talking about? I think you're depressed.
Look, Harry, I don't need diagnosing, OK? I don't need babysitting.
I'm sick of everyone checking up on me, I just want to be left alone to do my thing, without the help.
No worries.
I know a good kinesiologist if you change your mind.
So, this is what spooked you? Ha, they must have come back.
Well, it's not a good look, is it? Here was I, getting all freaked in my warm little studio and all they needed was somewhere to sleep.
Well, they can't sleep here.
Why can't someone use that two metres of concrete out there? Because it's the front door to my business and yours.
Oh, look at these for that gallery you're meeting with next week! These are great.
Don't change the subject.
Do you know what? You need to learn to take a compliment.
They need shelter, we have shelter.
You cannot solve a huge social issue by letting someone crash at the front door.
That is just a bandaid.
Well, isn't a bandaid better than nothing? They don't fix the problem! They just cover it up.
No, they stop the bleeding and they give protection.
They hurt when you rip them off.
They help heal the wound.
This whole bandaid thing is getting a little out of control.
All I'm saying is that that is a front door, that is not a home.
Hey.
Hey, which course? Um post-grad in glass and ceramics.
OK, you need this form and jump over here for an ID.
Don't worry, your hair looks great.
Cool.
Thank you.
Big smile.
Alright.
Where are you going? I-I go this way.
Why use two triple A's, when you could use one double? Mm.
Do we have any triple A's? Ah, sure.
What is so interesting? Do you know in Copenhagen, they have a waste-to-energy plan? No, I did not.
They incinerate the rubbish and use it to produce heat and power.
It's Cassie.
She says they're going to offer me the fashion job on Monday! Two jobs in 24 hours? And you've got the weekend to decide.
I don't need the weekend, I've done fashion before.
I can do it standing on my head.
They pay the same? Almost.
And, with the fashion job, there's free clothing.
And when you add that up per year, it's .
.
a fair bit.
I'm off for a swim, if you feel like a cool-down.
Endorphins are great for just about anything, really.
Including twig hair.
Oh, yeah.
Running can be a bit fraught.
So, you're right for endorphins, then? Yeah.
No, I'm good.
Thanks for caring.
Hi.
Hello.
Oh, Maggie.
This is Nick, my-my colleague.
My work colleague.
Nice to meet you.
You, too.
I'll leave you to it, then.
Endorphins are calling.
Why are you at my house? Oh, that's not very neighbourly.
Are you going to ask me in? Shit, Harry.
Hey, um, what instrument do you play? Sorry? At band practice? Oh, um, tambourine.
Why are you avoiding me? Oh, maybe it's just I like to keep my work and social life separate.
It's a good policy, I've found.
Right.
And on the running track just now? Why are you asking so many questions? I understand that you want to keep your distance, but things aren't very distant between us.
Oh, well, no, that's because we work together, and it's very hard to keep distance but it's nothing personal.
I think it is personal.
You do? And since you haven't come through with the lunch that you owe me, I thought that I'd ask you out instead.
Fine, Monday, between meetings.
I meant today.
Don't actually think that that's a very good idea.
Alright.
I don't see the point in pretending that I don't want to go out with you.
Because that's what I'd like to do.
Hey, I found this stuff in the spare room.
Can I have it? No.
Well, why not? Hey, those are my runners.
So what? You've got five pairs and you don't even run.
Please tell me this is not for that homeless guy? OK, it's for anyone who needs it.
Well, since we're on the topic, charity begins in the home, so where's my rent money? I'm heading to the ATM after I drop this off.
And I'll have your rent money for you, in cash, on time, so, it's Too slow.
Oh, check out the Boy Scout reflexes.
Well, if you're going to leave your stuff just lying around I'll sort out my own charity clothes in my own time.
I can take care of it.
My clothes, I'll take care of it.
Fine.
Well, he's attractive, so that's a pro.
He's a lawyer, so that's something big that you guys have in common.
He's a good lawyer, too.
Mm, money and smarts, it's a very nice combo.
He's interesting and articulate.
God, OK.
He lives close by.
What are some cons? He made me crawl through bushes today, and that's not how I want to behave.
That's not his fault.
I can't think of any cons, he ticks all the boxes.
'Recently separated with a child' is one of your boxes.
That is a complicated box.
No, write that down.
It also goes in the pros, 'cause you can't say he doesn't like children.
What about the work thing, how's that going to pan out? It's not ideal, but then 17% of relationships do begin in the workplace.
Look, Grace, I'm sure that he's amazing, but I don't understand what the rush is.
Why waste time playing games? Because you were in love with Carlos, even if you've convinced yourself you weren't.
And no-one falls out of love in two weeks.
Not even Taylor Swift does that.
I was not in love, I was I was momentarily insane.
That IS the definition of love.
Go away! Hello to you, too.
Oh, sorry, I, um Sorry.
I'm just here to collect the mail, can I? Ah, yeah, right.
Um you've got new hair.
Yeah, I just got it cut.
So, will I come in? Um, I'll meet you downstairs in a sec.
I was just I was going out to grab a burger anyway, so I'll just be a minute.
OK, then.
Sorry about that.
It must take a while for the address thing to kick in.
It's no biggie.
So, how have you been? You know, OK.
Good.
You? Yeah, good.
So, what's your grand design, then? I'm doing a glass unit, so I can design and make glass lighting from scratch.
You'll kick arse at that.
Anyway, enough about me, I want to know about you.
What's been going on? No news.
Same old.
I left that out there for a reason.
What's this? A can-opener.
MY can-opener.
Well, how's he supposed to open the cans? What, do you think a can-opener's going to save this person? You can sleep at night in your comfy little bed, in your comfy home, with your comfy toilet paper rolled towards the wall.
Yes, it rolls it tears better that way.
You can turn a blind eye, fine.
But I can't.
You don't even know anything about this person.
So? So they could be nuts, they might be on the run.
They might be dangerous.
What happened to your Boy Scout oath? What about it? "I will do my best to something, something, "and help other people at all times.
" Yeah, dyb, dyb, dyb, and all that.
Why is this such a big deal for you? I don't know, everyone's got their thing.
Yours is your car, and mine is helping humanity.
I help people.
Hmm.
All the time.
I'm very helpful.
Well, you can be very helpful to me and move out of my light.
See? Helpful.
Like your moves.
But fashion is my forte.
Hey, out and about's good.
Hey, sorry I was a bit aggro before.
Oh, no problem.
In fact, I have a favour to ask you.
Can you come and fix my mum's fuse box so she can watch her telly? You know, it's out of control.
This city creates 2 million tonnes of rubbish per year.
Oh, yeah? And the landfills are going to be full in two years.
I mean, what are they going to do with the rubbish then? Just before we go in, I should tell ya that Mum's a bit sensitive.
She lost it when Dad died, so she likes to hang on to stuff.
So, watch out for the pitchfork and the blade.
Mum, can't get in! It's your father's encyclopedias.
Who've you brought? Just a friend, Rob.
He's here to fix the telly.
Nice to meet you, Mrs Hewitt.
Come on, out of the way.
Maggie, hi.
Oh! Sprung! What? No, no, no, no, no.
It wasn't what it looked like at all.
I was talking about the pear tart.
Oh, yeah.
Me, too.
Just for the record, though, there was actually no overlap between Carlos and Nick.
There was a little moment but no action was taken on said moment.
As long as you know what you're doing, to whom and why.
No, I don't.
I'm going to see him now, but it's complicated.
Because of Carlos? No, I work with the guy.
And he's got an ex-wife and a child in Melbourne.
Well, in my experience, kids are like little pots of glue.
They stick a couple together even if they can't stand the sight of each other.
Yeah, but if a guy is over 30, then you'd expect him to have history.
True, true.
But there's a difference between history and baggage, though.
No, I understand, so I've made this list of pros and cons.
And that's actually on the cons list.
But if you look at it, it is also a pro.
He is very perfect, isn't he? Nick, hi.
It's Grace.
Um, yeah, look, I've been giving it some thought, and, frankly, I have to say, I'm pretty reluctant to saying yes to going out on a date with you because, well, I mean, there's so many reasons why it's not a good idea.
But I have decided that if you want to meet up this afternoon to discuss it, then, OK.
Hello? Nick? OK, um .
.
coffee, the reserve, half an hour? Sure.
Good, yeah, sure, I'll see you then, then.
See you then.
So, tell me, why the reticence? Apart from getting over Carlos.
OK, there's this, I don't know what's wrong with you.
Sorry, explain.
Well, I look at you and I put two and two together and I get four.
Right.
Well, you come across as this perfect guy.
I mean, you're all smooth and charming and perfect.
God, stop.
I'm starting to hate myself.
If I seem like I'm being stand-offish, it's because I am being stand-offish.
That makes sense.
I was a bad husband, if that helps.
I worked too much, apparently wasn't available to meet basic needs.
I don't know, is this the sort of thing you're looking for? Yeah.
I mean, no, no.
Of course.
But, in this case, we'd be working together, so I'd be much more available.
And there's that - I like my job, but that could get messy.
Or not.
I don't know, what else can I tell you? I miss Cleo, my daughter, but I'm living about Don't think I'll make father of the year.
Why aren't you there? It got pretty toxic.
We needed space, and .
.
it's better now.
Sorry, dude, but it is hard to get tradies to the place.
Yeah, well, it's not the first time I've found a dead mouse in the circuit breaker.
You think the house is bad, you should see the shed.
She's kept all his papers with his handwriting.
She just can't let go and she can't admit that she's got a problem.
Look, I feel for your mum and I feel for you, too, but I'm going though a divorce, alright? No-one died.
Let's just get back to the inverter.
This junk.
And that and them.
And them.
Hello? Hello.
Hey, Mum.
Hey, do you mind holding onto this for a bit? It's not contraband abalone, is it? Why would it be contraband abalone? That would make me a bad Boy Scout.
Am I meant to be following this? Oh, Miranda, she's on some crusade to save homeless people by giving them all our old stuff.
Remember the starfish.
Yeah, I remember the starfish, but this is completely different.
How? Well, the starfish was a kids' story, Mum.
This is real life.
She's just so clueless, you know, she's the one that needs looking after.
I've got to go.
Mine.
Oh, hi.
Sorry, hi.
You don't have to go.
I'm the one that left the food.
Thanks.
There's a toilet around the back if you need to Do you have any money? Yeah, yeah.
OK, here you go.
So, when you offered him the loo, did you tell him to hang the paper round the right way? I gave him a whole fortnight's rent.
Mm.
Which means I'm the one that suffers.
That's not very helpful, is it? I'm so dumb, so dumb.
Hey, hey, no, no, no.
I don't think you're dumb.
I think you're sweet and kind and Stupid.
.
.
starfish.
Excuse me? You don't know the starfish story? Ah, is it rude? No, it's not rude.
It's a story that my mum used to tell me.
Do you want to hear it? Ah, why not.
OK, so, there's these two guys, and they're walking along the beach.
Homeless guys? Well, no, not homeless guys.
Well, they could be.
It doesn't really matter.
OK.
Or girls, it's just two people, it could be you and me.
OK.
OK.
So, the beach is littered with, like, hundreds of beached starfish.
And they're all lying there in the sand and they're all dying.
Oh, cheery.
One of the people bends down and picks up a starfish and chucks it back into the water.
And the other person's, like, "Why did you bother picking up that one starfish "and chucking it back "when there's, like, a hundred starfish lying there dying? "What difference does that make?" And the other person The starfish chucker? The starfish chucker.
Bends down and picks up another starfish, chucks that back in the water.
And they say, "It makes a difference to that one starfish.
" You're the starfish chucker.
I might make a move.
Will I walk you home? Look, Nick, before we go, I should be honest with you.
I have a life plan all worked out.
Like, a mind map and a pie chart.
And the next guy that I commit to, I want him to be part of that.
And you're not sure if I'm the guy who fits the pie? Well, this is where my 5-date policy comes in handy.
Five, hey? It's insurance.
Oh, well, five dates with you would be something to look forward to.
But can I ask where your plan stands on stepkids? Cleo's a deal-breaker for me.
There's a subclause that deals with that.
OK.
So, what's next on your mind map? Um dinner, maybe a movie.
Mm-hm.
And then after the fifth date? Marriage.
What, it's too soon? No, no, no, it's good.
Dinner, then, tonight? Do you know what? I would, but I actually have plans.
Is this reticence again? No, no, no, not reticence, just real pre-existing plans.
And how does kissing fit into the 5-date rule? I mean, is a first date a kiss on the cheek? Why do I need free clothes? I've already got too many clothes.
No kidding.
I thought it was a pro but it's actually a con.
You love fashion, there's nothing wrong with it.
I have things that I have never worn.
I have doubles and triples, and it's all going to end up in a landfill some day.
Look, I made a list.
Oh, and suddenly, I'm married to Grace.
Look at the waste management column.
Clearly ahead.
Yeah.
I mean, I have so DONE fashion.
It's it's nothing new to learn, it's not a challenge.
But waste management is communications, not just PR.
That's a stretch for me.
And I can't believe that I'm about to say this, but it's fascinating.
Then what's the issue? Take it! I'd have to go through life telling everyone I work in waste management.
Baby, I will be so proud to tell everyone that my wife works in poo.
It's not poo.
Thanks again, Rob.
You don't have to thank me, mate, your mum's a nice lady.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, hey, is FAT night off tonight, or what? Good chat.
How's the pledges going? I'm on my way now to set up camp.
Good on you, man.
Good luck.
Don't need luck, I got thermal socks.
How do I look? Oh, sexy as hell.
Mmm-mmm.
Jump that, sexy.
Ooh, yeah.
Hey, let's go celebrate.
What do you reckon, drinks at that new place near the station - oysters on the pier, ice-cream in bed? That sounds really good, but what about Rob's? You reckon we're going? Look, I'm not saying that Steve was right for busting in.
I'm not saying Dani's right.
Right.
Things may have gotten a little bit out of control.
But, you know, I've had a rough couple of weeks.
Yeah.
And, OK, maybe Harry has got a point.
Maybe I am depressed, but I'm only a little bit depressed, I'm not the whole 'collecting junk around the house 'and never going out the front door' kind of depressed.
No.
And, yeah, OK, OK, maybe my flat is a little bit messy, but, you know, I've been trying to adjust to Your marriage being over.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Then again, maybe I've made the most monumental mistake of my life.
Have I? Have I screwed things up for myself? What do you think, honestly? You know what? What? I know you guys don't think I've got it in me, but I am going to get my shit together and I'm going to make FAT night happen.
Good.
And I'm going to invite Colette.
Good.
Another good chat.
Welcome.
Hi.
You know what to do.
There you go.
Thank you.
Oi! Hey, that's not very hostly, shutting the door in my face.
Sorry.
Something smells amazing.
That would be my feet.
Whoa, coming thick and fast.
Hi.
Hi.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks for asking.
Come in.
Whoa-ho, look out.
Oh, wow.
Oh, my God, it's amazing.
Nice.
Oh, and we all have to toast Dani's new job in waste management.
As a communications manager for sustainable redistribution of recycled and unrecycled consumption.
Go, you.
Thank you.
So you work in poo? You really do look stunning.
Thanks.
My last break-up haircut made me look like a llama.
Actually, this this wasn't about Rob.
This was about a fresh start, new me.
He seems fine.
Oh, trust me, he wasn't fine.
But, no, he's really pulled it together.
I must admit, I was a little bit happy to hear he was sad.
But now I'm happy he's happy, it's good.
Mmm, what's this? Very impressive.
I don't know what it is.
That was sensational.
What was the green thing called? Ah, palak paneer.
Is that Indian for, "Comes in a jar"? I think you might have me confused with Tom.
Hey, easy.
No, this baby's all me - curried cheese, gold.
Where's Miranda tonight? Sleeping with Harry.
Anyone else disturbed by that? Not as disturbed as double sponsorships.
Oh.
Is there any more roti? Ah, it's in the oven, help yourself.
It's really delicious.
Mm.
Very impressed.
Very impressed.
Oi.
Hey, how's, um How's the Nick thing? It's good, it's nice.
Oh, please tell me that is not all I'm getting.
That's all you're getting for now.
Oh, I hate coy.
Who's ready to vote? This is very exciting.
Thank you for including me.
It doesn't clear you the IOU, though, Robert.
Ouch.
You really think I'd try and clear a poker debt by inviting you over? Yep.
You want one? No, not me, I'm abstaining.
I'll have one.
OK, time for the great FAT night curry vote.
One, two, three, go.
Rob.
I love you.
Looks like we have a winner.
I'm going for soup before the rush.
Do you want to come? Oh, no, I'll just stay.
You know where to find me.
Dessert.
Oh.
Is this spot taken? What are you doing here? Well, you were right.
Better to do something than nothing.
I knew you wouldn't let all those starfish die.
Now, the last time that you and I were in sleeping bags together would have been when we went camping with your folks on the Condamine.
Yes.
Remember? Yes, I've never eaten so many marshmallows.
So many you almost turned into one.
Who would have predicted this? Your transformation? No, us lying here together, Side by side in sleeping bags, in a park, in the city.
Sharing a place? Life's so funny.
You never know what's going to happen or where you're going to end up.
I guess that's what it's all about.
Making it count.
How, like this? Yeah.
This is nice.