Wonderland (2013) s02e05 Episode Script

Monogamy

Pretty sure it'll clean up this arvo.
Well, it did yesterday.
Tonight, I might see at the pub.
We should call it a night.
Another game or we go, your choice.
OK.
I've got a, um band practice.
What? Yeah, I know.
It's just this funny little thing that I do sometimes.
No, I'm still at the office.
Yeah, I just ducked out to the car to get some papers I left.
I have a life plan all worked out with a pie chart and And you're not sure if I'm the guy who fits the pie? Well, this is where my five-date policy comes in handy.
What you want, Maggie? A husband and a life.
You're trying to fool yourself into feeling young again by hanging around with Tom and his mates.
I am not hanging around with them.
I think I want a divorce.
Y.
Mimsy? What, uh, dictionary is that from, Mumsy? That is from a very famous poem called Jabberwocky.
I demand a credible source.
Coming from the guy who tries to get away with "hangry".
Yeah, hangry.
Hey, do we know someone that wants to housesit for three months? Was that you again? I'm going to have to start a phones in the bucket.
Oh, no - it's your laptop.
It's Skype.
I'll get it.
Oh, it's Warwick.
Ah.
Um, no, no, no, no.
I'm going to get it.
No, no! Showtime.
Oh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, Warwick, Warwick, do your robe up.
I'm going to go.
It's obviously family time.
Did you forget? Bye.
I'll call you back later.
Oh, I can't unsee that.
It's burning my eyes.
Shush and clear the table.
Oh, dear me.
Oh my God, Tom! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'll get that lock fixed.
Bye.
Are you ever coming home or not? Hello.
Something's got to give.
Living apart like this is not working for me.
Oh, your sweet talk is hard to resist, Warwick.
Just wait there.
I'll just go and get my bags.
Bought you these.
Warm.
Your favourite year.
Warmer.
Look, maybe my speech could have been a bit more polished but what I'm trying to say is I need you.
I want you.
Are you really thinking of playing the whole 'it was an accident' card? I didn't know she was in there.
Yeah, that's what I told my year 10 PE teacher.
She was hairier than me at the time.
Well, we're not all degenerates like you.
The only flat mate you haven't tried to shag is Steve.
That's as far as we know.
Do you reckon I should say something? Apologise or something? Well, you can always just show her yours, even things up.
Worst thing you can do is make a big deal out of it, mate.
Ignore it.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Is that someone you know? Yeah.
Uh, I'll see you later, huh? You know, still not putting enough weight on your back foot.
Yeah, so I'm told.
What are you, um here for? For you.
Never gotten over us.
Relax.
Hey listen, um .
.
about what didn't happen.
I My head was pretty messed up, so So, um, where's your head at now? Just say something.
Oh, you can't see.
There you go.
I think I'll try something different today.
What's this, uh, quin-oa salad? Hi.
What can I get you? I'll have the crab linguini, please.
That sounds good.
I'll have that too.
Sure.
Aren't you full of surprises? One of our clients called today - a boutique finance company.
Mm? I think I'm being headhunted.
Really? They said they like working with me and they want to have an informal chat in the morning.
It's about time someone realised how talented you are.
Mm.
But they're our clients.
So? So, it feels wrong to go for the interview.
People do it all the time.
I mean, it's a low-grade, white work-lie.
It's not harming anyone.
You have to go.
Wouldn't you rather work somewhere you might actually be happy? Just because something's new and shiny doesn't mean it's necessarily better.
That is why you and I will never go shopping together.
Hey, you know me - I evaluate very carefully before getting into bed with someone.
Mmm.
Is that an offer? Mm.
That's a good look.
You're back early.
Yeah, I landed this afternoon.
I'll I'll bring you up to speed when I get a chance.
OK, um, do you want to schedule a meeting? Look, I'm more interested in scheduling our second date.
We could do, um .
.
dinner, I guess, tomorrow night? How about going to the Scandinavian Film Festival? And after the film, we could maybe grab a bite? That's, um, dinner and a movie.
That's date combining.
I Will I get away with it? Oh, my God.
He is slick.
Slick Nick.
With the big dick.
Enough with the rhyming gossip.
What about you, madam? Yeah, you've been back at class for two weeks now? Any talent? Uh, they're all 12.
Anyone over 25 is a cougar to them.
So, you haven't reached punctuation bonk territory yet? What's punctuation bonk? You know, like, the full stop.
The banishment of he who went before.
No, not even close.
It's too soon.
You know what, even if you are ready, just Younger guys.
Don't go there.
Is there really a right age for a guy? Wow, that's weirdly specific.
I'm going to have a guess and say that Slick Nick is 34? He just got back from a business trip.
We're going to go out tomorrow.
So, someone's in punctuation bonk territory? No, he's not even getting a pash until the fourth date.
Oh.
Wow, and the real Grace is back.
The other one was a train wreck.
Yeah, fun to watch though.
I'll miss her.
Smaller company, more chance to shine.
Yeah, I'm talking about loyalty here, mate.
It's probably why you're so confused.
They passed you over for a promotion.
They're not loyal.
See? Look at that.
There you go.
Don't encourage him.
No.
You're not married to the company.
You're allowed to flirt with someone else.
Which is why you'll always be freelance.
Oh.
Mm.
Hey, um, does anyone know if Rob's coming? I'm about to plate up.
So, coming to FAT night? Colette there? Yeah.
Might skip it thanks, mate.
I thought things were OK between you guys? They are.
So why aren't you coming? Do you want a beer? What's going on? Nothing! "I'll meet you for a swim in the AM.
"Kiss, Jade.
" Jade who? Montgomery.
The swimsuit model? Hm, yeah, righto.
I've had dreams like that too.
Yeah, met her at Shorty's a while back.
You did not.
I used to have a poster of her on my wall.
I know, dude.
I'm pinching myself.
You know, when I was going out with Jenny, Jade used to be my George Clooney.
Excuse me? My leave pass.
The one person outside the relationship you get the green light to shag.
Chicks always choose George Clooney.
Oh.
So, are you going to meet her? Well, I've got to work tomorrow, so Anyway, I don't really feel like seeing Colette right now, so tell them I'm sorry.
OK.
Enjoy your beer.
See you later.
See you.
Uh, Rob's not coming.
Oh.
Um, does anybody want more water? Nah.
No, I'm fine.
Sorry, honey.
We started without you.
Hey.
Mm? Do you have a leave pass? Oh.
Where did that come from? Yes, I have a leave pass.
This should be good.
I don't remember agreeing to that.
Well, it predates you.
Colin Farrell.
Uh-uh.
Matt Damon.
George Clooney.
Angelina Jolie.
I'd love to see the images running through his head right now.
Just his? Yeah, true.
Grace? Wolverine.
What? No, he's fictional.
It's got to be someone real.
But someone out of reach.
And therefore safe.
And hairy, in your case.
Colette? What? Have you got a leave pass? Um, Obama.
He's a good dancer.
Hey, did you have one with Adam? Jude Law.
Pre-or post-nanny? Pre-.
Tom? How do you choose? Any naked chick in a film - that's Tom's leave pass.
No, no, no, no, no.
But she has to be blonde.
Ah, not true.
What about you? Apparently I'm the only person in Western civilisation without one.
Aw, honey.
You can pick one.
Yeah, I'm That's I'm Aww.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Why are you guys being so awkward? No, no.
We're good.
We're That red's not bad, hey? Yeah, it's really good.
Hey, um, did Rob say why he wasn't coming? Yeah, he was, he was, um, rooted.
Ah.
Night.
Bed already? Yeah, yeah.
I have an early start.
Hey, um, about last night with the with the shower thing.
I didn't I didn't actually see anything.
I just, it was all, it was all a bit of a blur.
Yeah, these things happen.
Hey, what's the, what's the shoot? Um, you know Maxie? Uh, photographer with the big hair? Yeah.
Mm.
Yeah, she wants us to take photos of swans for a wedding pamphlet.
Mm.
She's quirky but she likes the whole 'swans mating for life' thing.
I might grab a shower.
Night.
Night.
Watto! Yeah, not so good mate, I Listen, do you reckon you could finish the Malouf job without me? Nah, it's something I ate.
Yeah.
Both ends.
Cheers, buddy.
I should be I should be able to make it in by this arvo.
In fact, I'm sure I'd be able to.
Oh, thanks, mate.
OK.
Bye.
Alright.
Mmm? I actually do feel sick.
Nerves? No, guilt.
Oh.
Now, pop this on.
Oh, really? Pink? People do not argue with a man in pink.
It's a little marketing tidbit for you.
Plus, it increases male attractiveness by 15 percent.
Not that you need that.
Mm.
Yeah, thanks, baby.
I'll wear the blue.
You think I'm stupid, don't you, for wanting to be loyal? Oh, no.
I love that you're loyal.
But you're just having a talk with a client and there's nothing wrong with that.
Now, pop on the pink.
Lucky blue, buddy.
Hey.
Give me a sec.
I'll come down.
Oh.
No, no, no.
I'm all, I'm all good, thank you.
Hey.
Your client with the housesitting gig, is she still looking? Uh, yeah, 12 weeks rent free.
And there's nothing wrong with the place? No, her apartment is amazing.
So why aren't people lining up then? Jacqui is very How do I put this? Particular.
That's it? She's got these West Highland Terriers that need round-the-clock attention.
They get treated better than most kids.
Oh, well, I can deal with that.
She wouldn't go for you anyway.
Why, what's wrong with me? The last house-sitter they had was single and had a bunch of randoms through the house.
They're looking for someone married.
Why housesit when you've got a cute flatmate? Oh, you know what share-housing can be like.
It's a bit intense.
Maxie.
Hey.
Do you want me to take anything else? Uh, we're good.
Where are we going? There.
Yeah? OK.
You waiting for someone? Yeah, just this chick who ravished me and took off.
Never called.
Bitch.
She could've at least left you a note.
Thank you.
Don't put it straight on the table, darling.
Use the book.
Mags.
Do you or do you not want a divorce? I've already told you, darling - I said that out of frustration.
Well, what do you want? You.
Here.
You know it's not as simple as that.
Oh, love, we'll be having this conversation till the day we die.
Oh, bum.
I left my glasses out there.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, mate.
You were missed last night.
Yeah, the food was incredible.
Why, uh why couldn't you make it? Uh, didn't Steve tell you? I um Crashed early.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, I did.
Starting late today? Nah, the job fell through, so How's the course going? Great.
I made my first unrecognisable hand-blown glass object.
What are you doing, mate? Shouldn't you be a work today? Ah, no.
He's chucking a half-day sickie.
Yeah.
Ah, any update on the order? Yeah, it's on its way.
Hi, I'm Jade.
Hi.
Um, Jade, this is Dani, Colette.
.
Steve.
I had you on my wall when I was 16.
Excuse me? That's sweet.
Oh, she's a swimsuit model.
You you're very talented.
I'm actually in swimwear distribution now.
Seriously, how are those sandwiches coming along? Thanks for your patience.
We should, um Yeah, it's good to meet you guys.
You too.
You too.
Don't get into it too much.
I have a morning lecture.
I'm going to get coffee there.
I'm fine.
Really, I'm fine.
You had her on your wall? I'm sorry, I I panicked.
Hey.
My daughter rang.
Oh, oh.
Yeah, she begged me to come to her recorder recital.
I was I was putty in her 6-year-old hands.
You're going to Melbourne? An 11 o'clock flight.
I can't get a flight back 'till late tonight.
I'm sorry.
It's important to Cleo.
No, of course.
Absolutely you should go.
I was looking forward to tonight.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, um You shouldn't you shouldn't waste these.
Thank you.
We will get to the second date.
Alright? Yeah.
So you want to move out? No.
No, no, no.
It's only for three months and it's just housesitting and looking after her dogs.
Besides, it'll it'll be good for us.
Is this because of the shower? You know, I can I can save money and just think, you'll have peace and quiet for 12 weeks.
So you keep saying.
Besides, she hasn't even said yes.
I'm about to meet her at The Tratt.
What's with the ring? Oh, I'm engaged.
Again? She'll only consider me if I'm in a monogamous relationship.
So what happens when she wants to meet this mysterious fiance? Well, she'll be in Italy and she'll never know.
I'll just wing it.
This is what I always pictured us doing.
I pictured something a bit different.
You're in a very odd mood.
Mags there are things I could be pursuing back home.
What does that mean? You remember Kim? The wine rep.
Yeah.
She's been, uh .
.
sniffing around a bit the last few months.
Are you trying to tell me No, no.
Nothing's happened.
I haven't encouraged it.
If you're not coming back, I have the right to keep my options open.
I'm not a bloody stock portfolio, Warwick! Not what I meant to say.
Unbelievable.
Now I know where Tom gets it from.
What? The woman is right under your nose.
Which is apparently the only criteria you both need.
It's not like that.
Oh? Kim's nice.
She's attractive in her own kind of way.
She's not a bad cook either.
You stop talking now.
Maggie.
Mags.
Maggie.
Hello.
They're adorable.
You're very good with them.
You didn't tell me much about yourself on the phone.
Well, what what would you like to know? It's such a shame your fiance couldn't be here.
What was his name again? It's, um Tom.
Yeah, he was sorry to miss you too.
What does he do? He's a cabinet maker.
He, um he's very talented.
He makes his own furniture.
And where did you two first meet? Toowoomba.
We're childhood sweethearts.
There is a word for vultures like her.
Yes.
Lonely.
You know what? So am I.
I thought you had more backbone.
It's fine for you.
Living it up here like some sort of new age spinster.
Maybe I should be more like you and start working on a backup plan.
I'm being reasonable.
You're blackmailing me.
Don't be ridiculous.
If I don't pack up and come back, you're going to get your rocks off with a wine rep.
We'll talk about this when you've calmed down.
Does your fiance support your ambitions as a photographer? He does.
He's amazing.
Yeah.
Hey.
I'm Tom.
Tom, the elusive fiance.
That's me.
Oh, gee, I've missed you.
I can't go long without seeing my little pudding.
Um, Tom, what happened to your meeting? Finished early.
You must be Jacqui.
Jacqui.
Jacqui, it's great to meet you.
Really great.
Oh, what delicious little puppies you have.
They're worse than children.
I'll sit.
Oh, you don't have time to sit down, so Oh, no, no, no, it's fine, it's fine.
I'm all yours.
I just enjoyed hearing about how you two got together in Toowoomba.
Toowoomba? Yeah.
Yep, childhood sweethearts.
You know, somehow, I just knew she was the one.
You know? From my little pudding into this stunning swan.
But it wasn't all smooth sailing, Jacqui.
No? Oh, no.
No, I had a rival.
Uh-huh.
Don't tell me you've forgotten about Adam already? That was I was very young.
Adam, he was, he was slow.
Always wore brown.
Dull.
I don't know what you saw in that guy.
I have no idea.
Neither do I.
Well, he was never in your league, Pud-Pud.
Oh, not like you, Tom-Tom.
Adam was the type of guy that could just not commit to anything.
Girls, toothpaste, life.
So pathetic.
I mean, even his friends think he's a loser.
Yeah, let's let's not be too harsh.
You know, in my opinion, men like that should be put down.
Mm.
Well, he was a vet, so what goes around comes around.
He's not in her life anymore.
Now I'm the lucky one.
I'll tell you what, Jacqui - she completes me.
Well then, is it fine with you if I drop off the keys and instructions later? So that that's a yes? Yes.
One of you will be home? Definitely, one of us will be there.
I-I We are so excited.
Ciao.
Ciao.
Come on, girls, come on.
Good girls.
I can't believe she bought your crap.
So, I guess that means you're moving out? Thank you, Tom-Tom.
You're welcome, Pud-Pud.
G'day, mate.
Sorry about that.
Shit.
You're on the mendo, Stevo.
Yep, the miracle recovery.
Good news.
Back in the office this arvo, mate? Yeah, yeah, yep.
Sure thing.
Nice tie.
Stains should come out.
Hey, do want a coffee? Ah, no, I'm fine, thanks.
Hey, you don't want to come to a Scandinavian film festival with me, do you? Swedish thriller.
No, thanks.
I'm into watching my films, not reading them.
It's more fun than it sounds.
It's not really my thing.
Oh, but you know who would go? Nick.
He was talking about that festival the other day.
Good to know.
It's really obvious, you know.
Sorry? That you don't like Nick.
Oh.
He's a decent guy.
Right.
You should make more of an effort.
The chick from the cafe? So she's the reason you went all quiet.
Girlfriend or wife? Wife.
Separated.
What happened? She cheated on me.
So, I'm your revenge? No.
No.
It's OK.
I was married once, I get it.
Get what? We were married for three years, travelled everywhere, had a ball.
Then we set up house and it all went south.
I remember what it was like the first time I slept with someone else.
You didn't enjoy it? I did.
But, when you're with someone for a long time, you kind of fit.
Morph, and then, there was this other guy next to me, it just felt weird.
Yeah, I guess it is a bit like that.
Do I feel weird? A little? I don't mind being a little weird.
Uh-huh.
Not fine after all.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
He's he's sleeping with her.
Oh, maybe not.
Please.
That look that he gave her, the way he was squirming? I've just nearly knocked on our On his flat.
And they're in there, together.
Babe? Can't talk, new tie.
This is crazy.
I'm not doing this.
I'm going to leave you to it.
Bye.
Sorry.
Just forget that you saw me.
I'll call you later.
This is God's way of telling me I can't pull off shit like this.
God made you spill your latte? No, Ed - he saw me going to the interview.
Can you believe it? I am so screwed.
Well, he doesn't know that you were there for an interview.
There is a medical centre in that plaza.
How come you can think of stuff like that on the spot? I work in PR.
I get paid for quick thinking.
Quick fibbing? Oi! It's a skill.
I can't face work now but I can't not go in.
Hey, you cannot get fired for going to a medical appointment.
How did it go anyway? Oh, beyond bad.
Yep, I told them the truth about everything.
That I felt guilty taking the morning off.
That I saw my colleague, spilled my coffee.
I just I couldn't be cool.
Well, what did they say? He told me to send in my CV.
Oh, so do it.
You've got a bit of time before you're expected back at work.
Go and get Miranda to do a head shot, while I make your CV look brilliant.
Alright, make me look approachable but intelligent.
How good a photographer do you think I am? Relax.
OK, that's somewhere between serial killer and suspect priest.
Come on.
It's only for my CV.
Well Excuse me.
Ah, no, don't That's a long story, sit.
Well, it better not have a happy ending.
Oh, shut up.
So do you really think they're going to fire you? I was busted taking a sickie and Ed will know exactly why I was there.
I don't know, some people are great at lying, but I suck at it.
And what about the new company? I think they smelled the desperation on me.
Well, that never stopped you from getting a girlfriend in high school.
I suppose she's got a right to stay wherever she's happiest.
She thinks you and I are more alike than we care to admit.
I don't know who to feel sorry for.
Long time since we just sat and talked like this.
Yeah, this view, cold beer, afternoon sun.
What could be better? Decent Shiraz, at dusk, on the veranda back home.
Yeah, it can be nice up there.
Not lately.
Mm? There's something missing when your mother's not around.
Well, yeah, Mum.
No, I'm better when she's there.
Place seems wrong without her.
Like a light's gone out.
It was never my intention to upset you.
How did you think I would react, darling? I'm just tired of being alone.
Maybe it's not been completely fair of me to let you languish up there.
So you'll come back home with me? I never said that.
So you do want a divorce? A compromise.
Isn't that how we've survived three decades? Go on.
What if I come up one weekend a month, and you come down for another? That way we'd at least see each other every fortnight.
Think that'll be enough? We can try it and see.
OK.
Let's do it.
Something else? You just tell that Kim to keep her hands to herself.
You are a married man.
Well, hello, hello.
Oh, hi, come in.
Oh, wow, this is nice.
Small but chic.
I've made most of the furniture myself.
You certainly keep the place spotless.
Yeah, that's Miranda, she uses highly toxic chemicals - germophobia.
Shouldn't hurt the dogs, though.
You never actually said why you both wanted to house sit.
The parties.
The neighbours.
Yeah.
Yeah, they complained.
I was very specific when I said absolutely no Oh, no, no, no, no, we don't have those kinds of parties.
What do you mean, dinner parties? Ah, this is awkward.
Um, I just assumed that Miranda had explained to you - we have a non-traditional relationship.
Excuse me? We're swingers.
But why? I mean, I mean, why? What She said 'yes'.
What did I do wrong? Nothing.
I think she just found someone else.
That is so unfair.
I didn't think you'd be this disappointed.
You know, I was probably kidding myself.
And I can get rid of this now.
Um, Miranda? We need to have a little chat, you and I.
I'm paying full rent now, so, if you took off for a few months, it'd be pretty tricky keeping your room open.
Yeah.
I'm going to need a bit more of a commitment.
I'm sorry, did you just use the 'C' word? Mm.
You don't think we're too on top of each other? No.
And I'm happy for you to watch Jude Law movies.
Any time.
So do you want to stay? I do.
I do too.
And what about the bathroom lock? I'm already on it.
Good.
Come on, Harry.
Hurry up! Wow.
Hazman, you look amazing.
OK, cards on the table time.
You're very beautiful and all, but this can't be a date.
Oh, right.
We live together it would just end in tears, so Yeah, God.
I am good.
I have taught you some boundaries.
Sure, yeah.
Think of it that way if it makes you feel better.
Hello? How did you get back? Jumped on a cancellation, came straight from the airport.
Did you fly back just to see me? Yeah.
Reckon we could still catch the film? Doo doo Sorry.
Nick, this is Harry, my housemate.
Good to meet you, Harry.
I remember you from the party, outside on the phone.
Right.
So I guess you're about to catch the film with Grace? Yeah, sorry, you said not to waste them.
It's alright, I'm happy to bow out.
No, I couldn't do that.
I insist you go, Harry.
Take someone else.
If you're happy to Sure.
You wouldn't be too disappointed? Do you know what, you go, and you make some lucky girl's night.
Don't wait up.
So You told them that you went to the doctor? No, I told them the truth.
I said I'd been poached for another job and Len freaked.
Why? Why would you do that? He offered me a raise to stay.
Honey, that's fantastic.
You've accepted, right? Mm-mm.
Why not? Well, the other company called and made me a formal offer.
You got the job? They said they loved the fact that I was so honest and ethical.
I got the job.
You got the job! Mm, you got a great job and I got headhunted.
I'm so proud of you.
Hey, Colette! Hey.
What are you doing? I was feeling romantic.
You're so funny.
What else did we come down here for? This.
I haven't had beach sex since I was a teenager.
All the more reason to revisit it.
But people might see, people I know.
We live our whole lives trying to please other people.
Let go, please yourself.
Please me.
Alright.
If we get busted, I'm blaming you.
Are you sure you can't wait till morning? I hate that you're driving back at night.
I got a bloke coming about the sanitiser at sparrow's fart.
I'll say one thing about living apart like this.
What's that? I haven't been this horny since I was a teenager.
I noticed.
Well, if you feel lonely before next weekend I know where to find you.
Drive safe.
Come on, the '80s were a vast cultural wasteland of nothingness.
Oh, no, take that back.
Name one good thing that came out of it? Me.
OK, I'll pay that, but name one classic movie? Oh, um, 'Dirty Dancing'.
I rest my case.
That was that was my wife's favourite movie.
Did you see her today? Yeah, she was she was there.
Reminding me what a negligent parent I am.
You're kidding.
You flew to Melbourne to be there for your little girl.
Yeah, and then flew back.
I think she was expecting to have the night off but she didn't tell me, so You came back.
To this.
What, average takeaway? No, good company.
Um, just going to get rid of these.
Yep.
Sorry.
Thanks for tonight.
You know, it wasn't quite what I was expecting, but, you know, it's been hot.
What? What's funny? I'm sorry, Leigh .
.
Leigh told me that I should be nicer to you.
I was trying so hard not to be obvious, and she thought I couldn't stand you.
But .
.
I think she's wrong.
Right? I've got that early meeting, so I'm Right.
I'm looking forward to our third date.
Me too.
I'll see you at the office? Thanks again for dinner.
Shh.
Bye.
Bye.
Oh, hey, you forgot your phone.
I just realised.
Sorry, did I just crash through the barriers of dates three and four? Oh, that's OK.
Goodnight, Grace.
Goodnight.