Would I Lie To You? (2007) s12e00 Episode Script
At Christmas
Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You? At Christmas - a very special edition filled with festive fibs.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, a singer who also runs a charity shop selling vintage clothes.
Last year, she made a profit of three guineas, 11 shillings and sixpence.
It's Lily Allen! APPLAUSE And a brilliant musician who's responsible for the most powerful Christmas release since the time I ate 23 Brussels sprouts.
It's Noddy Holder! And on Lee Mack's team tonight, from Car Share, an actress who starred in Murder On The Blackpool Express about a coach trip to Blackpool.
Talk about suffering for your art! It's Sian Gibson! APPLAUSE And a comedian who, years ago, sold ice creams for a living.
I don't know which year exactly, but I'm guessing '99.
It's James Acaster.
We begin with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They have no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction, and Noddy is first up.
One December night, while dressed as Joseph, I had to shove a donkey off a country lane.
Lee's team.
When was this, Noddy? This would have been mid-'70s.
So, why were you dressed as Joseph? Well, a friend of mine used to have a party every Christmas time, just before Christmas, and it was always fancy dress, and, this particular year, he wanted to feature the nativity.
And I originally wanted to be Angel Gabriel.
Right.
But he said, "I'm not having you Angel Gabriel.
"You can be Joseph.
" Why couldn't you be Angel Gabriel? Because of the accent? Probably.
MIMICKING NODDY: Oh, look! It's the little baby Jesus.
So I got an old curtain round me and a tea towel on my head.
Like tonight.
So whose party was it? It was my best friend's party.
Er, and Could I have a name, Noddy? Swin, his name was Swin.
Aw I wish you would've said Big Ears, but carry on.
Very good.
So, where does the donkey? So, time was getting on, it was one o'clock, I thought I'd better make my way home.
And when I get outside, the air hit me and I felt a bit spacey, and I think somebody had spiked my drink.
So I set off and it sort of got worse and worse as I drove on.
There was sort of blue flashing lights coming past me and all sorts.
- Those would have been the police.
- No.
LAUGHTER That comes later.
Anyway, I'm driving, and I thought, - "I'll take the scenic route.
" - Right.
So I started to go down all these country lanes to make my way home.
And suddenly, in the middle of the road, is a donkey.
So I screeched to a halt, thinking, "Am I imagining this donkey or is it a real donkey?" Am I really Joseph? Is it possible it was just Elvis Costello turning up late to the party in fancy dress? So I screeches to a halt, and I thought, "I'd better get out and check.
" I can't carry on.
I couldn't drive round it - because the lane was too narrow.
- Yeah.
And I got out the car to feel if it was real or not.
Are you genuinely? So you were genuinely still not sure, even though you were - right up to it? You have to feel it? - I had to feel it.
Can I ask you a question? Is this one big alibi for touching up a donkey? So I gets behind him.
Good idea.
Safest place with a donkey, Noddy.
And start pushing him from behind.
Where is this story leading, Noddy? Suddenly I hear MIMICS POLICE SIREN Don't you mean "ee-aw, ee-aw, ee-aw"? Of course, coming down the road is a cop car.
Now, I'm used to, in those days, being pulled every night after late drinks.
It's Christmas, Noddy, it's Christmas.
Anyway, they get out of the car and do the usual.
Here we are, Mr Christmas, what's he doing now? As a last punch-line, I said, "I've been celebrating tonight "because my wife's just had a kid.
" Which I thought was pretty good at the time! So, what do you think, James? I think it's true, but it's just nice to listen to him tell a story and I kind of forgot halfway through I'm meant to be knowing if it's true or not.
- He's definitely telling the truth.
- You think it's the truth? - I think true.
- True? - True.
- OK, we're saying it's true.
- Saying it's true.
Noddy, was it true or were you telling a lie? It is true.
That is true.
Noddy did shove a donkey off a road while dressed as Joseph.
James, you're next.
One Christmas, on hearing I wasn't going to get the present I wanted, I tried to drown myself .
.
in protest.
David's team.
Tell us the story.
Well, I wasn't going to get the present I wanted.
Which was? What did you want? The Spice Girls' debut album, Spice.
It's a lie! That's so weird, because I did get it and I did try to drown myself.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE No! Don't applaud that! It's a great album.
How old were you then? - I was, like, ten or 11.
- Right.
- So, you wanted the album - No, he really, really wanted it.
Stop right now.
- So you wanted the album.
- Yes.
I really, really wanted it.
In case they don't use mine in the edit, yeah? - Can I just say, stop right now! - Stop right now! I'll have that one if they use his.
Who's your friend? Big Ears? So, what happened, James? I wanted the Spice Girls album, Spice, and so did my sister.
We'd both been pestering our parents a lot for the album.
My father decided he had to tell us before Christmas who was going to get the album or not because he didn't want an upset on Christmas Day.
And so he waited until we were in a safe space it was the local swimming pool.
We'd all gone for a family swim A lovely Christmassy thing to do.
A lot of people do a lot of swimming in the run-up to Christmas.
- Because it was in honour of the seven swans a-swimming.
- Yeah.
That's why we did it.
APPLAUSE We were swimming, and then my dad called a family meeting.
- Shallow end? - Shallow end.
Yes.
Oh, you're not treading water during a family meeting.
He said, "Right, it's a week until Christmas and I'm just "going to let you know that Ruth is getting the Spice Girls album.
" This is ridiculous! Exact Well, where were you then? Because, at the time, I looked like I overreacted.
Take us through this reaction, paint a picture of how a young James reacted.
It was like a storm came over me.
I was very angry, and then I turned and I walked to the other end of the shallow end - - I did a width.
- Yep.
I would've stormed away, but it's very hard Wade through the water.
You have to say it every now and again, "I'm really cross!" Went to the other end, and I turned around so they could see my face, and I just sat down slowly .
.
and I was under the water.
I went, "Well" I was thinking this.
"I guess I'll either stay here until one of two things happens.
"Either I get the Spice Girls' debut album, Spice.
"Or I'm going to die.
" Which happened? Well, what happened LAUGHTER What happened was, I came back up again, and I saw that not only were they not They were just carrying on swimming.
They've gone, "Oh, he's under the water now," and my dad clearly went, "Problem solved.
" And then carried on swimming.
What are you thinking, Noddy? I just don't think his dad would do that.
I think he'd buy two albums.
Oh, unaware that you knew my father, Noddy.
What do you think about the two albums buying issue? Well, like, as a parent, I just would've thought that just quietly, like, going off to HMV to buy an album is easier than taking the whole family for a group swim.
So, what are you going to say, David? What's it going to be? - I'll say lie.
- You both think it's a lie? - I'm going to say lie, yeah.
- OK.
James, were you telling us the truth or was it a lie? I was telling the truth.
Yes, it's true.
James did try to drown himself in protest of his Christmas present.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, Jerry.
So, Sian, what is Jerry to you? This is Jerry, and he was the policeman who came to investigate when I was heard screaming during a Christmas game of Twister.
Right.
Sian's concerned copper.
James, how do you know Jerry? This is Jerry.
He's the fireman who every Boxing Day soaks me with water during a festive game of Squirt.
Right, James' fireman friend.
And finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Jerry? This is Jerry, he's the paramedic who ticked me off last Christmas after I landed my drone in his ambulance.
David's team? Where to begin? - Sian, you were playing Twister? - Yep.
What was the occasion? It was in-between Christmas and New Year, and me and my family had gone away and rented a cottage.
And why did you scream? Because I think I had my left hand on red and right foot on green - Tricky.
- Tricky.
And we'd all had a few drinks and What was the? What time of day? - Oh, it was evening.
- Right.
- It was evening.
- I'd say about 10:30-ish.
- OK.
And my uncle fell on my face and I screamed.
And you would scream, wouldn't you? You would scream.
Was he a friendly uncle? Very friendly.
If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's show, there is a website you can visit.
It wasn't a horrific scream, it was fun, I was having fun.
I was just a bit hysterical.
Could you reproduce it, Sian? - Could an actress of your stature - OK .
.
reproduce it for us now? Imagine Lee is this uncle, - he's a little too friendly - Can someone fall on my face? You're never that happy when he turns up, no matter how many presents, you think, "Oh, it's Uncle Lee.
" I like the way that you say she's a good actress, so she can play the part of the screamer, but I can just play - the untoward uncle naturally.
- So, there you are Why don't we? Why don't you demonstrate the Twister? - James, what are you doing? - Playing the Twister mat.
It wasn't a scary scream, it was like a - SHRIEKS - .
.
because-I-was-having-fun scream.
How did the neighbour next door hear it if it was just a little scream? Did the uncle let out anything as well? I certainly did not! LAUGHTER So, what happens, then? - So, suddenly there's a knock on the door - Yeah.
And what happens when Jerry arrives? Well, we were all just having fun at this point.
We've all had a few drinks.
We all invite Jerry in.
See if Jerry wants a sherry.
He was really lovely about it.
So, is there a police station in this village and they're all on duty Christmas week, are they? Well, there's always got to be a policeman on duty somewhere.
To look out for madmen like you pushing donkeys down lanes.
Now, what about James? OK, James Just remind us, James, what it was that you said.
Jerry is the fireman who, every Boxing Day, soaks me with water during a festive game of Squirt.
OK.
What's going on? Squirt is a game.
- Is it? - Yeah! Two teams of firemen OK, so, for a game of Squirt, the first thing you need is two teams of firemen? And they go either side of a river - Yeah.
- And you get a rope and you tie it up in a tree at one side of the river and then you run it along and you tie it to a tree - at the other side of the river.
- Yeah.
But before you've tied it to the other side, - you thread a barrel across it.
- Of course you do.
- Just thread a barrel.
- Yeah.
What if there's a fire in the local area during the lengthy set-up - for a game of Squirt? - Well, he's not They can't put out fires anyway, he's only a volunteer.
Sorry? LAUGHTER They're just a volunteer Fire Brigade, they're not allowed to put out fires.
What are they allowed to do? Just look at them? They're permitted to pick up litter.
Where do they get the fire engines and everything from, then? Their fire engine is an old one, it's more like an ice cream van that's painted red.
- The volunteers, do they have the uniforms? - No.
The Kettering Volunteer Fire Brigade have a T-shirt and it has an emblem on it of a fire being put out by a beer.
Talk us through the rules of Squirt.
Mm, OK.
You get the barrel to the middle of the rope, right in the middle of the rope, and then both teams aim their hoses at it.
Are the volunteer firemen allowed real water or do they just mime it? - Yeah, they're allowed water, they just can't aim it at a fire.
- OK.
If there was a fire, they would have to turn the hose off.
So, what happens next? Someone is like, "Go!" And then they both turn their hoses on, and they aim it at the barrel.
And what you're trying to do is you're trying to get the barrel, you're trying to squirt it along the rope so it gets to the opposition's side of the bank.
And all the water is hitting this barrel and we're standing on the bridge - .
.
getting soaked.
- Yeah.
And then you walk home going, "Good Squirt this year!" Right, now then, what about Lee? How did you come to land the drone in Jerry's ambulance? We have this really weird tradition in our house where we like to keep dry, and so I thought "What I'll do is I'll fly my drone, "but I'll stay in the house.
" And the window was open and I thought The window was open because it was a very hot Boxing Day? The window was open.
The window was open because my wife always has the heat on very high over Christmas and I'm not a fan of radiators so I open the window.
And I was practising in the bedroom.
And I thought, "I'm so in control of this, rather than go downstairs "and fly it, I'll just go straight out the window.
" Was the drone a Christmas present? The drone was a Christmas present, correct.
Who gave you a drone for Christmas? Not you, because you got me nothing.
Yeah.
It was my wife.
Your wife got you That's a very romantic present! A drone.
She'd heard me say it to her a lot during the year.
Drone, drone, drone.
Why was there an ambulance there? Had your wife called it as a precautionary measure? The ambulance was actually at a house over the road, and, as I was flying the drone, I looked over and a man was carried out on a stretcher.
And I think, "I can't quite see what's going on," but I thought, "I'll have a little look at that.
" My drone has a camera attached to it, so I fly my drone over.
It's getting closer and closer It can help, I think, when someone's just had a heart attack, or something, something shocking or strange - can really, helps them really get it together.
- I thought so! And so I was watching it and I thought, "This is interesting.
" And then he gets put in the back of the ambulance, and the doors stay open.
And Jerry goes in the back.
I'm thinking, "I'll have a little look, see what's going on.
" So I get a bit closer.
- Now I'm hovering just outside the back doors.
- Yeah.
And I push forward a little bit too much and the drone went straight into the back of the ambulance striking Jerry on the back.
Which presumably hurt Jerry because the rotors of a drone are very fast.
Oh, yeah, he was a good three or four inches taller than this last year.
So Jerry spots you leaning out of your bedroom window with a remote control.
What does he then do? "Oi!" .
.
I said, "Give me my drone back!" I can't really repeat what he said on television.
- He swore.
- No, no, he's French and I don't understand French.
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team, is Jerry Sian's concerned copper? James' fireman friend? Or Lee's peeved paramedic? Oh, I don't I mean - I think it's James' - You think it's James'? - Yeah.
I think it's Sian.
I mean, I think I think we're agreed Lee is lying.
Yeah.
The question is, is it James or Sian? I think it's a mate of James' from the pub who was a volunteer fireman.
I'm not happy about this.
- Because my instinct is that James is telling the truth.
- Right.
But I know what that's saying, publicly.
I know what I am then believing.
I'm believing a game that is played across a river between volunteer firemen with a souped-up ice cream van squirting a barrel in which the locals come and stand and watch in just the place where they get splattered with water.
- What's it going to be? - I just I think it's James.
- You're going to go with James? - Yeah.
Go on, I'm saying it's James.
Jerry, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Jerry, and I'm a volunteer fireman who soaks James on Boxing Day.
Hello, Jerry! Yes, Jerry is James' fireman friend.
Thank you very much, Jerry.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Lily.
Until last year, I believed that reindeer were fictional creatures like unicorns until my six-year-old daughter told me the truth.
Lee's team.
- Until how long ago? - Last year.
Aw! LAUGHTER Is it because Father Christmas' reindeers fly, so that's why they couldn't possibly be true? Yeah, maybe that's why I came to that conclusion.
I just felt like it was a ridiculous notion, yeah.
You were aware of deer, though, weren't you? Yes, actually, I was.
Because of Bambi.
So you'd seen deer? Hang on, because of a fictional?! This doesn't make sense.
You've seen a fictional reindeer flying in the sky Well, if Bambi flew, then I probably wouldn't have believed in deer.
What about Dumbo? Did you not believe in elephants? Did you stop believing in carpets when you saw Aladdin? I remember my ex-husband telling me that the moon was made of cheese and I believed that.
Like, there are things that I I think we should stop here for a second.
You genuinely believed what your husband said when he said the cheese? Well, I thought maybe it had the same chemical make-up as cheese! Can I just point out, Lily, you are saying this out loud on television.
Wow.
Let's go back to the conversation between you and your little girl.
How did it come about and what did she say? I was going to take them on a trip to Lapland.
Right.
My daughter said, "Are there going to be reindeer?" And I said, "Don't be ridiculous, reindeer aren't real.
" What was her reaction to that? She had been to another farm in Gloucestershire and had seen some reindeer, so she knew that reindeer were real.
And how long did this carry on? Until I googled reindeer.
LAUGHTER - Wow! - It's so embarrassing! So, what are you going to say? Well, it's a tricky one, because I can't believe she has never, - up until that point, seen a reindeer.
- Mm.
I don't understand how you can go through life without seeing a real reindeer.
Sorry, are we talking about reindeer? Not Hello, David.
Sorry, sorry, reindeer, they don't exist, do they? Grandpa has woken up from his sleep on Christmas Day.
You can definitely go through your life without seeing reindeer.
No, you can't! They're not like pigeons.
So, what's it going to be, Lee? Let's go for a decision.
I mean, I still can't believe that giraffes are real.
I've been to the zoo and I've seen giraffes.
I still don't quite believe they're real.
Did you get it out and feel it like Noddy would? I think it's a lie.
She's very believable, though.
- So you think she's lying but she's believable? - Yeah.
What kind of answer is that? I hope it's a lie, for Lily's sake.
Lily, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? I was telling a lie.
Next.
It's David.
- Possession.
- Ah, right.
There's a box under your desk.
Take the item out first.
Lift the box onto the desk.
Right, now, take the item out of the box.
- Got it.
- And now, read the card.
Last Christmas, my brother bought me this iPad.
I've never turned it on, but I have used it to kill a wasp and carry three mugs of hot chocolate.
Lee's team.
- Right.
- Who were the mugs of hot chocolate for? Go! - Sorry? - Who were the mugs of hot chocolate for? Say them now without thinking.
It's too much pressure! I don't know three people, it's a lie! LAUGHTER Who where they for, David? They were for my wife, for me, and for my mother.
Where were you taking them to? I was taking them from the hot chocolate-making room .
.
to the hot chocolate consumptorium.
- Kitchen to living room? - Yes, that's it.
Did you kill the wasp with the glass side or the non-glass side? - The non-glass side.
- OK.
How hard did you hit it? Um Well, it's dead.
It wasn't like a great sweeping, you know, smash.
Was it mid-air? It was more sort of a press and lean.
Lulled into a false sense of security with my terrified whimpers.
And then at a certain point, it settled on a flattish surface and then I went in with a press and lean.
If you kill a wasp, you don't slowly press it like a psychopath.
He only said that he does the push and press because he knew - that there wasn't any dents on it.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm not saying I, like, gradually As soon as I was pressing, I pressed quickly.
I didn't want to extend its suffering.
I wasn't whispering stories about, "Do you find the room is getting smaller, Mr Wasp?" "I'm sure you must be imagining it.
"Finding your little antennae are getting a bit crushed? Oh "What next? Try and move a wing.
"Oh, you can't!" - Right, it's time to take a guess.
- You say it's a - Lie.
- You say it's a lie.
- It is a lie.
So, you say it's a lie.
David, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? I was telling a lie.
BUZZER That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that Lee's team has won, by four points to one.
CHEERING Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, a singer who also runs a charity shop selling vintage clothes.
Last year, she made a profit of three guineas, 11 shillings and sixpence.
It's Lily Allen! APPLAUSE And a brilliant musician who's responsible for the most powerful Christmas release since the time I ate 23 Brussels sprouts.
It's Noddy Holder! And on Lee Mack's team tonight, from Car Share, an actress who starred in Murder On The Blackpool Express about a coach trip to Blackpool.
Talk about suffering for your art! It's Sian Gibson! APPLAUSE And a comedian who, years ago, sold ice creams for a living.
I don't know which year exactly, but I'm guessing '99.
It's James Acaster.
We begin with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They have no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction, and Noddy is first up.
One December night, while dressed as Joseph, I had to shove a donkey off a country lane.
Lee's team.
When was this, Noddy? This would have been mid-'70s.
So, why were you dressed as Joseph? Well, a friend of mine used to have a party every Christmas time, just before Christmas, and it was always fancy dress, and, this particular year, he wanted to feature the nativity.
And I originally wanted to be Angel Gabriel.
Right.
But he said, "I'm not having you Angel Gabriel.
"You can be Joseph.
" Why couldn't you be Angel Gabriel? Because of the accent? Probably.
MIMICKING NODDY: Oh, look! It's the little baby Jesus.
So I got an old curtain round me and a tea towel on my head.
Like tonight.
So whose party was it? It was my best friend's party.
Er, and Could I have a name, Noddy? Swin, his name was Swin.
Aw I wish you would've said Big Ears, but carry on.
Very good.
So, where does the donkey? So, time was getting on, it was one o'clock, I thought I'd better make my way home.
And when I get outside, the air hit me and I felt a bit spacey, and I think somebody had spiked my drink.
So I set off and it sort of got worse and worse as I drove on.
There was sort of blue flashing lights coming past me and all sorts.
- Those would have been the police.
- No.
LAUGHTER That comes later.
Anyway, I'm driving, and I thought, - "I'll take the scenic route.
" - Right.
So I started to go down all these country lanes to make my way home.
And suddenly, in the middle of the road, is a donkey.
So I screeched to a halt, thinking, "Am I imagining this donkey or is it a real donkey?" Am I really Joseph? Is it possible it was just Elvis Costello turning up late to the party in fancy dress? So I screeches to a halt, and I thought, "I'd better get out and check.
" I can't carry on.
I couldn't drive round it - because the lane was too narrow.
- Yeah.
And I got out the car to feel if it was real or not.
Are you genuinely? So you were genuinely still not sure, even though you were - right up to it? You have to feel it? - I had to feel it.
Can I ask you a question? Is this one big alibi for touching up a donkey? So I gets behind him.
Good idea.
Safest place with a donkey, Noddy.
And start pushing him from behind.
Where is this story leading, Noddy? Suddenly I hear MIMICS POLICE SIREN Don't you mean "ee-aw, ee-aw, ee-aw"? Of course, coming down the road is a cop car.
Now, I'm used to, in those days, being pulled every night after late drinks.
It's Christmas, Noddy, it's Christmas.
Anyway, they get out of the car and do the usual.
Here we are, Mr Christmas, what's he doing now? As a last punch-line, I said, "I've been celebrating tonight "because my wife's just had a kid.
" Which I thought was pretty good at the time! So, what do you think, James? I think it's true, but it's just nice to listen to him tell a story and I kind of forgot halfway through I'm meant to be knowing if it's true or not.
- He's definitely telling the truth.
- You think it's the truth? - I think true.
- True? - True.
- OK, we're saying it's true.
- Saying it's true.
Noddy, was it true or were you telling a lie? It is true.
That is true.
Noddy did shove a donkey off a road while dressed as Joseph.
James, you're next.
One Christmas, on hearing I wasn't going to get the present I wanted, I tried to drown myself .
.
in protest.
David's team.
Tell us the story.
Well, I wasn't going to get the present I wanted.
Which was? What did you want? The Spice Girls' debut album, Spice.
It's a lie! That's so weird, because I did get it and I did try to drown myself.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE No! Don't applaud that! It's a great album.
How old were you then? - I was, like, ten or 11.
- Right.
- So, you wanted the album - No, he really, really wanted it.
Stop right now.
- So you wanted the album.
- Yes.
I really, really wanted it.
In case they don't use mine in the edit, yeah? - Can I just say, stop right now! - Stop right now! I'll have that one if they use his.
Who's your friend? Big Ears? So, what happened, James? I wanted the Spice Girls album, Spice, and so did my sister.
We'd both been pestering our parents a lot for the album.
My father decided he had to tell us before Christmas who was going to get the album or not because he didn't want an upset on Christmas Day.
And so he waited until we were in a safe space it was the local swimming pool.
We'd all gone for a family swim A lovely Christmassy thing to do.
A lot of people do a lot of swimming in the run-up to Christmas.
- Because it was in honour of the seven swans a-swimming.
- Yeah.
That's why we did it.
APPLAUSE We were swimming, and then my dad called a family meeting.
- Shallow end? - Shallow end.
Yes.
Oh, you're not treading water during a family meeting.
He said, "Right, it's a week until Christmas and I'm just "going to let you know that Ruth is getting the Spice Girls album.
" This is ridiculous! Exact Well, where were you then? Because, at the time, I looked like I overreacted.
Take us through this reaction, paint a picture of how a young James reacted.
It was like a storm came over me.
I was very angry, and then I turned and I walked to the other end of the shallow end - - I did a width.
- Yep.
I would've stormed away, but it's very hard Wade through the water.
You have to say it every now and again, "I'm really cross!" Went to the other end, and I turned around so they could see my face, and I just sat down slowly .
.
and I was under the water.
I went, "Well" I was thinking this.
"I guess I'll either stay here until one of two things happens.
"Either I get the Spice Girls' debut album, Spice.
"Or I'm going to die.
" Which happened? Well, what happened LAUGHTER What happened was, I came back up again, and I saw that not only were they not They were just carrying on swimming.
They've gone, "Oh, he's under the water now," and my dad clearly went, "Problem solved.
" And then carried on swimming.
What are you thinking, Noddy? I just don't think his dad would do that.
I think he'd buy two albums.
Oh, unaware that you knew my father, Noddy.
What do you think about the two albums buying issue? Well, like, as a parent, I just would've thought that just quietly, like, going off to HMV to buy an album is easier than taking the whole family for a group swim.
So, what are you going to say, David? What's it going to be? - I'll say lie.
- You both think it's a lie? - I'm going to say lie, yeah.
- OK.
James, were you telling us the truth or was it a lie? I was telling the truth.
Yes, it's true.
James did try to drown himself in protest of his Christmas present.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, Jerry.
So, Sian, what is Jerry to you? This is Jerry, and he was the policeman who came to investigate when I was heard screaming during a Christmas game of Twister.
Right.
Sian's concerned copper.
James, how do you know Jerry? This is Jerry.
He's the fireman who every Boxing Day soaks me with water during a festive game of Squirt.
Right, James' fireman friend.
And finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Jerry? This is Jerry, he's the paramedic who ticked me off last Christmas after I landed my drone in his ambulance.
David's team? Where to begin? - Sian, you were playing Twister? - Yep.
What was the occasion? It was in-between Christmas and New Year, and me and my family had gone away and rented a cottage.
And why did you scream? Because I think I had my left hand on red and right foot on green - Tricky.
- Tricky.
And we'd all had a few drinks and What was the? What time of day? - Oh, it was evening.
- Right.
- It was evening.
- I'd say about 10:30-ish.
- OK.
And my uncle fell on my face and I screamed.
And you would scream, wouldn't you? You would scream.
Was he a friendly uncle? Very friendly.
If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's show, there is a website you can visit.
It wasn't a horrific scream, it was fun, I was having fun.
I was just a bit hysterical.
Could you reproduce it, Sian? - Could an actress of your stature - OK .
.
reproduce it for us now? Imagine Lee is this uncle, - he's a little too friendly - Can someone fall on my face? You're never that happy when he turns up, no matter how many presents, you think, "Oh, it's Uncle Lee.
" I like the way that you say she's a good actress, so she can play the part of the screamer, but I can just play - the untoward uncle naturally.
- So, there you are Why don't we? Why don't you demonstrate the Twister? - James, what are you doing? - Playing the Twister mat.
It wasn't a scary scream, it was like a - SHRIEKS - .
.
because-I-was-having-fun scream.
How did the neighbour next door hear it if it was just a little scream? Did the uncle let out anything as well? I certainly did not! LAUGHTER So, what happens, then? - So, suddenly there's a knock on the door - Yeah.
And what happens when Jerry arrives? Well, we were all just having fun at this point.
We've all had a few drinks.
We all invite Jerry in.
See if Jerry wants a sherry.
He was really lovely about it.
So, is there a police station in this village and they're all on duty Christmas week, are they? Well, there's always got to be a policeman on duty somewhere.
To look out for madmen like you pushing donkeys down lanes.
Now, what about James? OK, James Just remind us, James, what it was that you said.
Jerry is the fireman who, every Boxing Day, soaks me with water during a festive game of Squirt.
OK.
What's going on? Squirt is a game.
- Is it? - Yeah! Two teams of firemen OK, so, for a game of Squirt, the first thing you need is two teams of firemen? And they go either side of a river - Yeah.
- And you get a rope and you tie it up in a tree at one side of the river and then you run it along and you tie it to a tree - at the other side of the river.
- Yeah.
But before you've tied it to the other side, - you thread a barrel across it.
- Of course you do.
- Just thread a barrel.
- Yeah.
What if there's a fire in the local area during the lengthy set-up - for a game of Squirt? - Well, he's not They can't put out fires anyway, he's only a volunteer.
Sorry? LAUGHTER They're just a volunteer Fire Brigade, they're not allowed to put out fires.
What are they allowed to do? Just look at them? They're permitted to pick up litter.
Where do they get the fire engines and everything from, then? Their fire engine is an old one, it's more like an ice cream van that's painted red.
- The volunteers, do they have the uniforms? - No.
The Kettering Volunteer Fire Brigade have a T-shirt and it has an emblem on it of a fire being put out by a beer.
Talk us through the rules of Squirt.
Mm, OK.
You get the barrel to the middle of the rope, right in the middle of the rope, and then both teams aim their hoses at it.
Are the volunteer firemen allowed real water or do they just mime it? - Yeah, they're allowed water, they just can't aim it at a fire.
- OK.
If there was a fire, they would have to turn the hose off.
So, what happens next? Someone is like, "Go!" And then they both turn their hoses on, and they aim it at the barrel.
And what you're trying to do is you're trying to get the barrel, you're trying to squirt it along the rope so it gets to the opposition's side of the bank.
And all the water is hitting this barrel and we're standing on the bridge - .
.
getting soaked.
- Yeah.
And then you walk home going, "Good Squirt this year!" Right, now then, what about Lee? How did you come to land the drone in Jerry's ambulance? We have this really weird tradition in our house where we like to keep dry, and so I thought "What I'll do is I'll fly my drone, "but I'll stay in the house.
" And the window was open and I thought The window was open because it was a very hot Boxing Day? The window was open.
The window was open because my wife always has the heat on very high over Christmas and I'm not a fan of radiators so I open the window.
And I was practising in the bedroom.
And I thought, "I'm so in control of this, rather than go downstairs "and fly it, I'll just go straight out the window.
" Was the drone a Christmas present? The drone was a Christmas present, correct.
Who gave you a drone for Christmas? Not you, because you got me nothing.
Yeah.
It was my wife.
Your wife got you That's a very romantic present! A drone.
She'd heard me say it to her a lot during the year.
Drone, drone, drone.
Why was there an ambulance there? Had your wife called it as a precautionary measure? The ambulance was actually at a house over the road, and, as I was flying the drone, I looked over and a man was carried out on a stretcher.
And I think, "I can't quite see what's going on," but I thought, "I'll have a little look at that.
" My drone has a camera attached to it, so I fly my drone over.
It's getting closer and closer It can help, I think, when someone's just had a heart attack, or something, something shocking or strange - can really, helps them really get it together.
- I thought so! And so I was watching it and I thought, "This is interesting.
" And then he gets put in the back of the ambulance, and the doors stay open.
And Jerry goes in the back.
I'm thinking, "I'll have a little look, see what's going on.
" So I get a bit closer.
- Now I'm hovering just outside the back doors.
- Yeah.
And I push forward a little bit too much and the drone went straight into the back of the ambulance striking Jerry on the back.
Which presumably hurt Jerry because the rotors of a drone are very fast.
Oh, yeah, he was a good three or four inches taller than this last year.
So Jerry spots you leaning out of your bedroom window with a remote control.
What does he then do? "Oi!" .
.
I said, "Give me my drone back!" I can't really repeat what he said on television.
- He swore.
- No, no, he's French and I don't understand French.
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team, is Jerry Sian's concerned copper? James' fireman friend? Or Lee's peeved paramedic? Oh, I don't I mean - I think it's James' - You think it's James'? - Yeah.
I think it's Sian.
I mean, I think I think we're agreed Lee is lying.
Yeah.
The question is, is it James or Sian? I think it's a mate of James' from the pub who was a volunteer fireman.
I'm not happy about this.
- Because my instinct is that James is telling the truth.
- Right.
But I know what that's saying, publicly.
I know what I am then believing.
I'm believing a game that is played across a river between volunteer firemen with a souped-up ice cream van squirting a barrel in which the locals come and stand and watch in just the place where they get splattered with water.
- What's it going to be? - I just I think it's James.
- You're going to go with James? - Yeah.
Go on, I'm saying it's James.
Jerry, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Jerry, and I'm a volunteer fireman who soaks James on Boxing Day.
Hello, Jerry! Yes, Jerry is James' fireman friend.
Thank you very much, Jerry.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Lily.
Until last year, I believed that reindeer were fictional creatures like unicorns until my six-year-old daughter told me the truth.
Lee's team.
- Until how long ago? - Last year.
Aw! LAUGHTER Is it because Father Christmas' reindeers fly, so that's why they couldn't possibly be true? Yeah, maybe that's why I came to that conclusion.
I just felt like it was a ridiculous notion, yeah.
You were aware of deer, though, weren't you? Yes, actually, I was.
Because of Bambi.
So you'd seen deer? Hang on, because of a fictional?! This doesn't make sense.
You've seen a fictional reindeer flying in the sky Well, if Bambi flew, then I probably wouldn't have believed in deer.
What about Dumbo? Did you not believe in elephants? Did you stop believing in carpets when you saw Aladdin? I remember my ex-husband telling me that the moon was made of cheese and I believed that.
Like, there are things that I I think we should stop here for a second.
You genuinely believed what your husband said when he said the cheese? Well, I thought maybe it had the same chemical make-up as cheese! Can I just point out, Lily, you are saying this out loud on television.
Wow.
Let's go back to the conversation between you and your little girl.
How did it come about and what did she say? I was going to take them on a trip to Lapland.
Right.
My daughter said, "Are there going to be reindeer?" And I said, "Don't be ridiculous, reindeer aren't real.
" What was her reaction to that? She had been to another farm in Gloucestershire and had seen some reindeer, so she knew that reindeer were real.
And how long did this carry on? Until I googled reindeer.
LAUGHTER - Wow! - It's so embarrassing! So, what are you going to say? Well, it's a tricky one, because I can't believe she has never, - up until that point, seen a reindeer.
- Mm.
I don't understand how you can go through life without seeing a real reindeer.
Sorry, are we talking about reindeer? Not Hello, David.
Sorry, sorry, reindeer, they don't exist, do they? Grandpa has woken up from his sleep on Christmas Day.
You can definitely go through your life without seeing reindeer.
No, you can't! They're not like pigeons.
So, what's it going to be, Lee? Let's go for a decision.
I mean, I still can't believe that giraffes are real.
I've been to the zoo and I've seen giraffes.
I still don't quite believe they're real.
Did you get it out and feel it like Noddy would? I think it's a lie.
She's very believable, though.
- So you think she's lying but she's believable? - Yeah.
What kind of answer is that? I hope it's a lie, for Lily's sake.
Lily, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? I was telling a lie.
Next.
It's David.
- Possession.
- Ah, right.
There's a box under your desk.
Take the item out first.
Lift the box onto the desk.
Right, now, take the item out of the box.
- Got it.
- And now, read the card.
Last Christmas, my brother bought me this iPad.
I've never turned it on, but I have used it to kill a wasp and carry three mugs of hot chocolate.
Lee's team.
- Right.
- Who were the mugs of hot chocolate for? Go! - Sorry? - Who were the mugs of hot chocolate for? Say them now without thinking.
It's too much pressure! I don't know three people, it's a lie! LAUGHTER Who where they for, David? They were for my wife, for me, and for my mother.
Where were you taking them to? I was taking them from the hot chocolate-making room .
.
to the hot chocolate consumptorium.
- Kitchen to living room? - Yes, that's it.
Did you kill the wasp with the glass side or the non-glass side? - The non-glass side.
- OK.
How hard did you hit it? Um Well, it's dead.
It wasn't like a great sweeping, you know, smash.
Was it mid-air? It was more sort of a press and lean.
Lulled into a false sense of security with my terrified whimpers.
And then at a certain point, it settled on a flattish surface and then I went in with a press and lean.
If you kill a wasp, you don't slowly press it like a psychopath.
He only said that he does the push and press because he knew - that there wasn't any dents on it.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm not saying I, like, gradually As soon as I was pressing, I pressed quickly.
I didn't want to extend its suffering.
I wasn't whispering stories about, "Do you find the room is getting smaller, Mr Wasp?" "I'm sure you must be imagining it.
"Finding your little antennae are getting a bit crushed? Oh "What next? Try and move a wing.
"Oh, you can't!" - Right, it's time to take a guess.
- You say it's a - Lie.
- You say it's a lie.
- It is a lie.
So, you say it's a lie.
David, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? I was telling a lie.
BUZZER That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that Lee's team has won, by four points to one.
CHEERING Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.