Would I Lie To You? (2007) s12e01 Episode Script
Dion Dublin, Debbie McGee, Bob Mortimer, Lucy Porter
Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show where it pays to be economical with the truth.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a comedian who recently filmed a fishing series for BBC Two.
Ironically, I never managed to catch it.
It's Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE And an entertainer who started her career as a ballet dancer.
In fact, she studied it at university, where she gained a tutu.
It's Debbie McGee.
APPLAUSE And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a presenter and former footballer who once went to Coventry for £2 million.
That's an expensive taxi.
It's Dion Dublin.
APPLAUSE And a comedian who's four feet 11 inches tall.
We've always seen eye to eye.
It's Lucy Porter.
APPLAUSE We begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've got no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Now, Debbie is first up.
Right, here we go.
The police once surrounded my house after I set off an alarm in my bikini bottoms.
- David's team.
- Interesting.
Interesting location for the alarm.
What was the alarm that you set off, and how did you set it off? It was the house alarms, I was actually ironing in the garden with my bikini on, and I had the remote control for the alarms tucked down my bikini bottoms.
Let me stop you there.
I could have sworn you said you were ironing in the garden - in your bikini.
- Yes.
It's a classic domestic scene.
I love that commitment to ironing.
I haven't ironed anything since the late '90s.
- Very good.
- We can tell, Lucy.
When was this, Debbie? Oh, quite a few years ago now.
And in your bikini bottoms, was the remote control? - Yes.
- .
.
for what? - It set off the house alarms.
- For the burglar alarm? - Yes.
- Essentially.
- I don't know what you call them - LUCY: Panic button.
A bit like a panic button, yeah.
I think if I was in the garden in a bikini ironing, I'd feel very vulnerable.
Because there is a lot of flesh, isn't there? And the iron, you know how easy And the phone rings, and you do that.
Did you not? To be honest, if you're going to smash the iron into your head, it doesn't matter whether you're wearing a bikini or the uniform of the Chelsea Pensioners, you're still going to get burned.
What happened when you pressed the alarm? Who was alerted, and what did they do? Right, so I didn't know, because it doesn't set the alarms off, it just rings the police.
So 15 policemen came round the corner.
They shouted, "No, start with the collar, then the sleeves!" I never tried it again, so I don't know.
How did they react? Did they see the funny side? Erm Yes.
BOB: No, she wasn't facing them.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER I'm so sorry! I know that's rude, but I can't quite figure out why.
OK, well, I mean, it's elaborate, it's odd, it's unusual.
- Is it true? - In my younger days as a sun worshipper, I would do anything outdoors.
When you're young and you want a tan, you just do anything.
What do you think? I think You know you had to make quicker decisions on the football pitch.
don't you? - I think that's true.
- You think it's true? - I think - We think it's true.
They think it's true.
Debbie, truth or lie? It's true! APPLAUSE Yes, it's true.
Debbie did once set off an alarm that was in her bikini bottoms.
Dion, you're next.
Right.
I once sneezed so hard in my car, I set off the airbag.
- Lee's team.
- Wow.
That is a big sneeze.
- Where were you? - I was in my car.
Where abouts was the car in the country? I was on a motorway.
You were travelling.
At what speed? Yes.
About 65-70.
Are you saying that you sneezed and the airbag went off, or are you saying you sneezed, crashed the car, - and the airbag went off? - No, I sneezed, airbag went off, and because I was on the inside lane, I just pulled over.
The sheer force of the air from your nostrils and mouth This can't have happened since your birth on the planet Krypton.
Did you contact the manufacturers? Can you tell us which kind of car it was? - It was an Audi A7.
- Was it? - Yes.
Are you sure it wasn't an Audi do that? Because it doesn't sound feasible.
- Take us back to the beginning, Dion.
- Yes.
- Where were you travelling to? I was on the M6, going from Warwickshire to Manchester.
- What did you have to do? - For work.
- For work? - For work, yes.
What is it that you do? - I talk a little bit on the TV.
- So some punditry.
I was going to do Final Score, or Match Of The Day, or Football Focus.
So Dion, you didn't cover your face when you sneezed? Because that's a naughty boy, isn't it? Not as naughty as driving without using your hands.
- Yes, exactly! - "Achoo! See, I'm very polite!" And would you say that, as a rule, you are a loud, violent sneezer? Cos some are, some give a little HE SQUEAKS And some go HE SNEEZES VIOLENTLY There's one thing worse than both of those, and that is the people that threaten to do a big one, and it's a little one.
You know the ones that go? DEEP INTAKE OF BREATH TINY SQUEAK Can't stand those.
They do my head in.
HE REPEATS THE SNEEZE SEQUENCE What's the build up for, then?! Where do you fall? Which of those camps are you in? I'm quite a loud, violent sneezer.
You are, are you? Which I didn't think I was until I nearly killed myself.
Did you make it to work? - In another car, yes.
- Who picked you up? The dealership.
I just rang the dealership straight away.
- You rang the dealership? - You rang the dealership? You don't ring the dealership when you've had an accident.
Because I was on the M6, I was close to where the dealership was, and I thought that it'd be easier for them to come out and deal I'd get a new car as well, they gave me a new car.
So the dealership This is the focus of disbelief.
"You rang the dealership?!" The dealership where I got the car from was in Warwickshire.
- Right.
- So I called them, I know the guy that owns the dealership.
- You'd just set of? - I know the guy that owns the dealership, - What's his name? - Lee.
Lee? Oh! Is that right? Is his surname Mack? - Do you know him? - What's Lee's surname? Beacon.
Is that why you could see him from so far away? Did Lee personally come and pick you up? - No, he sent one of his staff.
- What was his name? Was it Debbie? - Bob.
- Bob! What was Bob's surname? Light bulb! Is this true? What are you thinking, Bob? Well, I'm thinking that, a big lad like Dion, maybe he could do it.
I always go, "Achoo! Pussycat, whoa, whoa, whoa" I've always found that amusing.
"Achoo! Pussycat, whoa, whoa, whoa" But, bang! I say, true.
- Debbie? - I just think, if it was true, it would have happened to a lot more people, and we can't do that sort of research.
That's the trouble, the scope for research before answering the question on this show is very limited.
We can do a bit of research.
I always think if we could go away for a couple of weeks, really work on the question, so we get a lot more right, but So, what's it going to be? OK, I'm going to go with Debbie and say it's not true.
OK.
Dion, truth or lie? It's .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE Well done, Debbie.
Yes, it was a lie all along.
Dion didn't set off the airbag in his car with a sneeze.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, Jonathan.
APPLAUSE So, Debbie, what is Jonathan to you? Well, this is Jonathan and when he was a baby, I used to pull him out of a top hat.
Bob, how do you know Jonathan? This is my friend Jonathan, and I have brewed three award-winning beers with him.
Right.
And finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Jonathan? This is Jonathan.
One Sunday, the two of us spent three hours trapped in an automatic car wash.
David's team, where will you begin? Well, Debbie.
So you used to pull Jonathan out of a top hat? - Yeah.
- How old was he then? - About six months old.
- Six months? Was he a rabbit at that stage? He's grown up into a lovely bunny.
What a cougar comment that was! LUCY: He's going for it, though, look.
He's aflame with desire, look at him.
He's got the right hairstyle to be pulled out of a top hat.
So where did this happen? - This was in a summer season.
- Where? - In Bournemouth.
- Debbie, how big was the top hat, then? - It was just It was a prop top hat, so it was a bit bigger than a normal one.
But, you know, babies aren't very big.
- He was only about this big.
- Six months, not very big? - Yeah.
- So - And he was Was he the son of someone else in the summer season, or? - No - Or one of the Chuckle Brothers' offspring, or something? No, it was a feature in the show, and we had different babies on different nights.
They were like in rotation, and they came from an agency.
So, who would bring Jonathan to the theatre? - His mother.
- His mother? - Yeah.
And what would happen to him? I mean, I don't want you to give away the magic trick too much, but where was he stowed .
.
up to the moment where he's pulled out of the top hat? I can't tell you, because I'm a member of the Magic Circle, - and I can't give that - That is a really handy thing for this game, I like it.
Can you come on every week? Don't give anything away, Debbie, but talk us through the trick.
There was a pretend rabbit, and then Paul would lift this big top hat from underneath, and tipped it forward.
And that's when I would come over as the assistant, and take Jonathan out, and say "And the rabbit's turned into a real live baby".
And the audience went, "Boo, we hate babies!" How long did they have to wait to be revealed? Not very long, it wasn't a very long trick.
So that they were only briefly on a stage before the reveal? They were only briefly in terrifying darkness alone.
Which they are in a cot when they go to sleep at night.
- Yes, yeah.
- And, indeed, in a womb.
I mean, that is the ultimate trick, innit? Now, who would you like to question next? Erm, Bob.
Remind us what it was that you said.
How do you know Jonathan? Because I have brewed three award-winning beers with Jonathan.
What are the names of your award-winning beers? The one that's my favourite is called Kiss The Alderman.
- That's an IPA.
- Kiss The Alderman, an IPA, yes? An IPA.
Another one was a stout, and it was called Retail Park.
- Retail Park? - Retail Park.
And the other one was a lager, and that was called Not Now, Madam.
It seems funny now.
That's why we used it.
Not Now, Madam, lager Kiss The Alderman, Retail Park, and Not Now, Madam.
He's written these down, so I hope you can remember them.
How long did you two work together for? About two years ago.
I was in a field, Dion, collecting some mud to go and bury at home in me garden.
And along came Jonathan, or J-keg, as I call him.
He said, "I recognise you off the telly, you're that Ray Mears," is what he said.
And we got chatting, and he said, "Do you like beer?" I said, "I really I like beer.
" He said, "Would you like to brew some beer?" How quick! And I said, "Yes, I would, rather urgently, actually".
"I've run out!" And he's got a brewery, J-keg, just It's a lean-to, next to a barn, right next to the field where I was.
It's quite big actually, Lee, it might be a lean-three, or a lean-four.
So I went in this marvellous little brewery that I'm imagining And we mashed - Part of the process is mashing.
- Right.
You put a load of hot water in the cylinder, and you have to stir the malt barley.
- Right.
- And I did that bit of it And I thought, "I adore this.
"Is there any way that I could see this process through, "and we could call this beer Kiss The Alderman?" What is the alderman? He's an unelected council official.
Say, for example, let's focus in on Bolton.
So if Bolton had a large Chinese community, but there was no representatives amongst the councillors, they would say, "Would you like to informally nominate one of your "Chinese community, and they will become an alderman? "And they will sit on the council and be able to represent" Right, no, that makes sense, so, we've definitely covered what happens to the Chinese community in Bolton - But back to the beer story.
- Yeah, so That was Kiss The Alderman.
So we brewed 1,000 litres, bottled it, and it was the top beer in the Kent Craft Ale Society.
Can I ask? My husband is a brewer What hops did you use? Citrus hops.
One of them's called something, and the other one, likewise, is named as well.
I mean, this all checks out.
Do you know what? The thing that is the The hipster brewing beard.
If you were to say to me, "Draw a brewer," that's what I'd draw.
That's what you'd draw.
It's very interesting.
Wow, really?! Whereas if someone asked you to draw a brewer 30 years ago, you would draw something very different, wouldn't you? I'd draw you.
APPLAUSE Now, what about Lee? Lee, remind us of your claim.
This is Jonathan.
One Sunday, the two of us got trapped for three hours in an automatic car wash.
Where was it? Where was the car wash? It was just outside the car.
Near where I live, in south-west London.
Whose car was it? Who was driving? It was my car.
And was Jonathan in your car with you? - Correct, he was the passenger.
- Why? Because we can't both drive.
How do you know Jonathan? I know Jonathan because we're in the same football team.
What is it? A "bring your grandad" team? So you were Were you driving back from football? - Driving TO football.
- Driving to football? Why were you washing your car on the way to football? "Oh, I'm looking forward to the game, young Jonathan.
"I really can't wait, but tell you what, "let's wash the car first, so that when we arrive, everybody says, 'Oh, Lee's doing well'.
" You drove into the car wash, and what happened? So, there was three options.
There was gold, silver or bronze.
And obviously, being from the north of England, I was looking for a lesser metal than all three.
But it stopped at bronze.
So I went in and I said, "Can I have a car wash?" And he gave me the token, and I went back out and Was it a token? Sometimes it's a code these days.
All right, then, what he said was, "The token is where the squirrel likes to hide".
When I say code, I don't mean riddle.
I mean a series of numbers that you put into a keypad.
Yes, well, on this occasion, it wasn't.
- You put the token in the slot? - Yes.
You advance into the car wash, the weird things start going? Yes, so the big brush at the front that goes over your bonnet, - that came towards us.
- Yeah.
And then the side ones came.
It was the side ones that caused the main issue.
They got to the door, stopped, and just kept doing that, and we couldn't open the doors.
And it did not stop for three hours.
I know, it sounds unbelievable.
Why didn't you climb over into the back-seat and get out one of the rear doors? Because it's a two-door car.
I'm assuming this happened before the invention of the mobile phone? No.
No, that was not true.
It was during the invention of the mobile phone.
- During it? - During it.
In fact, do you know what we did? We were so stuck, and didn't know what to do for three hours, we decided to invent the mobile phone! No, it was His phone was in his sports bag in the boot.
- Where was your phone? - My phone was with me.
- Why didn't you use your phone? - Because the battery had gone.
How did you eventually get out? I absolutely screamed and screamed, and this stranger passing by saw a big button on the thing that said, "Emergency stop".
So he pressed the button, and it stopped.
And when it stopped, it reset itself back to how it should be, we opened the door, and I went in.
And he went, "Oh, you're back again".
I said, "Yes, it's about my car".
He said, "What's up?" I said, "I'll tell you what's up, the doors are phenomenally clean".
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team, is Jonathan Debbie's magic mate, Bob's brewing buddy, or Lee's car wash companion? I can't believe we spent Lee's story is the kind of story I would have to invent to tell my husband if I'd been in a car with Jonathan for three hours.
Johnson looks like a hipster brewer to me.
- What do you think? - I think it's Bob, I think they're mates, - and they've done some brewing together, yeah.
- Yeah, OK You think Bob met him in a field while collecting mud? He said, "Come and have a look at my brewery" Yes, yes.
".
.
and we're going to call our beer Kiss My Alderman".
It's not Kiss MY Alderman.
It's Kiss THE Alderman.
I'm so sorry.
If it's true, I'm sorry.
Rob, you can immediately appreciate why Kiss THE Alderman is much more marketable than Kiss MY Alderman.
I certainly call mine the alderman.
You're very popular with the Chinese community in Bolton.
APPLAUSE So, David, what are you going to say? I think my team thinks it's Bob? Yeah, let's go with Bob.
OK, you're going to say Bob, OK.
Jonathan, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Jonathan, and I brew beer with Bob.
APPLAUSE Yes, Jonathan is Bob's brewing buddy.
Thank you very much, Jonathan.
Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies.
And we start with - It's Bob.
- Sorry? It's you, Bob.
It's apple pie tonight! - Is it?! So it's Friday, then? - Yes! Following advice from Chris Rea, I always crack an egg into my bath.
I've done it for 20 years.
What?! We should say, for any of the younger viewers, who are MY fans, Chris Rea was a very popular singer.
When did Chris Rea give you this advice, and in what context? I was making a single for Middlesbrough Football Club's FA Cup appearance, called Let's Dance, which I did with Chris Rea.
And after we completed the recording, he popped me into the bath, and there was an egg There was an egg in it.
He popped you into the bath? "It's been a long day, you must be very tired, let's just "I'll just pop you into the bath.
" So where was this bath? Was it at the recording studio? It's on a little island in the middle of the Thames.
It's where his studio is.
So you'd been recording, presumably in a room without a bath? Absolutely, yes.
And you finished the recording, - everyone's very happy with the track? - Yep.
- And he says, "Bob, you look tired, maybe your joints are aching, this way".
Not exactly like that.
He says, EXAGGERATED NORTHERN ACCENT: "All right, that's it, Bob, "I think we've got that, like.
That's your bedroom, "that's your bath, I've popped an egg in there for you".
Is he Geordie? - He's like where I'm from, Middlesbrough.
- Right.
But he's much more Middlesbrough than me, like.
And why would he put an egg in your bath? What was the thinking behind it? Erm, I've never found out.
- But you've done it ever since?! - All I know is that I woke up the next morning, and I have never felt so alive.
Was the egg still in its shell, floating, or had he gone? HE IMITATES EGG CRACKING No, the white had dissi Dissipated, does that work? It's fabulous, it's fabulous.
It's non-greasy, which is a boon, innit? - IS it non-greasy? - Yeah, honestly.
It's less greasy than water without egg in it? Do you have to mix it up, or do you just crack it and let it float? Do you know what? You get in the bath, even the bath where I am now, and you get in, and you don't You really don't want to burst the yolk.
So the white goes, but the yolk's there, and you move like that.
And you try and get it to come towards you like that.
And I don't know why, but you just do.
Have you ever had it get in your mouth? You get it there like that And then you get the yolk, and I use it for hair conditioner.
- Really? - I know I've not got much hair, but to condition the hair on me skin.
So, just going back to the original occasion.
Chris Rea had already run you a bath? Yes! - Yes.
- And I'd forgotten about that detail! - I know, but - .
.
and cracked an egg into it? But if you knew Chris, it's just so Chris.
Do you know? The other thing it was, is a couple of weeks later, he sent me a gold doily.
To dry yourself off? I don't know! I'm just saying, these things are just so Chris.
Do we think that the way Bob describes what happened to the egg white, is that? He says it's just dissipates.
Is that possible? If your bath is hot, then you're going to have a poached white.
I'd have thought the white, yeah, would turn white.
- No, no, no.
- How hot is YOUR bath?! Your bath is hot enough that an egg could poach in it? Well, I don't know.
Your claim is that it dissipates, I'm asking my team whether we believe that it would dissipate.
Because, if, for example, at the temperature of a bath, say, 39 Celsius, the white would turn opaque, then your story doesn't check out.
Agreed, absolutely agreed.
I think What do you think, David? I think it's fair to say that if anyone else had made this allegation about Chris Rea and an egg in their bath, we wouldn't be giving it a moment's consideration.
Somehow, coming from Bob, it might be true.
- I think - You think it's? I think it's true, because he's been about a bit, Bob.
Oh, no.
- I think the white would poach.
- Yeah, the I think the egg is the important part.
The chemical analysis of the behaviour of the albumin.
David, honestly.
One thing, please don't base it on the albumin whitening, it does not I can't have a bath at 80 plus degrees.
Is that the temperature at which an egg white would turn? It'll start at about 80, yeah.
Honestly, please don't base it on that.
What should I base it on, Bob? What are you going to say? Instinctively, I believe it.
- We're going to go true.
- You're saying true, OK.
So, Bob.
Chris Rea, eggs, baths - is it the truth, or is it a lie? This is awful! I was telling .
.
a lie.
SHOCKED GASPS, APPLAUSE Of course! Of course it's a lie! He said Chris Rea put an egg in his bath.
Of course it's a lie, it's obviously a lie.
Who could possibly believe that?! It would be more likely that someone was stuck in a car wash for three hours! Yes, it's a lie.
Bob doesn't crack an egg into his bath following advice from Chris Rea.
BUZZER And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that it's a draw.
APPLAUSE Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a comedian who recently filmed a fishing series for BBC Two.
Ironically, I never managed to catch it.
It's Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE And an entertainer who started her career as a ballet dancer.
In fact, she studied it at university, where she gained a tutu.
It's Debbie McGee.
APPLAUSE And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a presenter and former footballer who once went to Coventry for £2 million.
That's an expensive taxi.
It's Dion Dublin.
APPLAUSE And a comedian who's four feet 11 inches tall.
We've always seen eye to eye.
It's Lucy Porter.
APPLAUSE We begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've got no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Now, Debbie is first up.
Right, here we go.
The police once surrounded my house after I set off an alarm in my bikini bottoms.
- David's team.
- Interesting.
Interesting location for the alarm.
What was the alarm that you set off, and how did you set it off? It was the house alarms, I was actually ironing in the garden with my bikini on, and I had the remote control for the alarms tucked down my bikini bottoms.
Let me stop you there.
I could have sworn you said you were ironing in the garden - in your bikini.
- Yes.
It's a classic domestic scene.
I love that commitment to ironing.
I haven't ironed anything since the late '90s.
- Very good.
- We can tell, Lucy.
When was this, Debbie? Oh, quite a few years ago now.
And in your bikini bottoms, was the remote control? - Yes.
- .
.
for what? - It set off the house alarms.
- For the burglar alarm? - Yes.
- Essentially.
- I don't know what you call them - LUCY: Panic button.
A bit like a panic button, yeah.
I think if I was in the garden in a bikini ironing, I'd feel very vulnerable.
Because there is a lot of flesh, isn't there? And the iron, you know how easy And the phone rings, and you do that.
Did you not? To be honest, if you're going to smash the iron into your head, it doesn't matter whether you're wearing a bikini or the uniform of the Chelsea Pensioners, you're still going to get burned.
What happened when you pressed the alarm? Who was alerted, and what did they do? Right, so I didn't know, because it doesn't set the alarms off, it just rings the police.
So 15 policemen came round the corner.
They shouted, "No, start with the collar, then the sleeves!" I never tried it again, so I don't know.
How did they react? Did they see the funny side? Erm Yes.
BOB: No, she wasn't facing them.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER I'm so sorry! I know that's rude, but I can't quite figure out why.
OK, well, I mean, it's elaborate, it's odd, it's unusual.
- Is it true? - In my younger days as a sun worshipper, I would do anything outdoors.
When you're young and you want a tan, you just do anything.
What do you think? I think You know you had to make quicker decisions on the football pitch.
don't you? - I think that's true.
- You think it's true? - I think - We think it's true.
They think it's true.
Debbie, truth or lie? It's true! APPLAUSE Yes, it's true.
Debbie did once set off an alarm that was in her bikini bottoms.
Dion, you're next.
Right.
I once sneezed so hard in my car, I set off the airbag.
- Lee's team.
- Wow.
That is a big sneeze.
- Where were you? - I was in my car.
Where abouts was the car in the country? I was on a motorway.
You were travelling.
At what speed? Yes.
About 65-70.
Are you saying that you sneezed and the airbag went off, or are you saying you sneezed, crashed the car, - and the airbag went off? - No, I sneezed, airbag went off, and because I was on the inside lane, I just pulled over.
The sheer force of the air from your nostrils and mouth This can't have happened since your birth on the planet Krypton.
Did you contact the manufacturers? Can you tell us which kind of car it was? - It was an Audi A7.
- Was it? - Yes.
Are you sure it wasn't an Audi do that? Because it doesn't sound feasible.
- Take us back to the beginning, Dion.
- Yes.
- Where were you travelling to? I was on the M6, going from Warwickshire to Manchester.
- What did you have to do? - For work.
- For work? - For work, yes.
What is it that you do? - I talk a little bit on the TV.
- So some punditry.
I was going to do Final Score, or Match Of The Day, or Football Focus.
So Dion, you didn't cover your face when you sneezed? Because that's a naughty boy, isn't it? Not as naughty as driving without using your hands.
- Yes, exactly! - "Achoo! See, I'm very polite!" And would you say that, as a rule, you are a loud, violent sneezer? Cos some are, some give a little HE SQUEAKS And some go HE SNEEZES VIOLENTLY There's one thing worse than both of those, and that is the people that threaten to do a big one, and it's a little one.
You know the ones that go? DEEP INTAKE OF BREATH TINY SQUEAK Can't stand those.
They do my head in.
HE REPEATS THE SNEEZE SEQUENCE What's the build up for, then?! Where do you fall? Which of those camps are you in? I'm quite a loud, violent sneezer.
You are, are you? Which I didn't think I was until I nearly killed myself.
Did you make it to work? - In another car, yes.
- Who picked you up? The dealership.
I just rang the dealership straight away.
- You rang the dealership? - You rang the dealership? You don't ring the dealership when you've had an accident.
Because I was on the M6, I was close to where the dealership was, and I thought that it'd be easier for them to come out and deal I'd get a new car as well, they gave me a new car.
So the dealership This is the focus of disbelief.
"You rang the dealership?!" The dealership where I got the car from was in Warwickshire.
- Right.
- So I called them, I know the guy that owns the dealership.
- You'd just set of? - I know the guy that owns the dealership, - What's his name? - Lee.
Lee? Oh! Is that right? Is his surname Mack? - Do you know him? - What's Lee's surname? Beacon.
Is that why you could see him from so far away? Did Lee personally come and pick you up? - No, he sent one of his staff.
- What was his name? Was it Debbie? - Bob.
- Bob! What was Bob's surname? Light bulb! Is this true? What are you thinking, Bob? Well, I'm thinking that, a big lad like Dion, maybe he could do it.
I always go, "Achoo! Pussycat, whoa, whoa, whoa" I've always found that amusing.
"Achoo! Pussycat, whoa, whoa, whoa" But, bang! I say, true.
- Debbie? - I just think, if it was true, it would have happened to a lot more people, and we can't do that sort of research.
That's the trouble, the scope for research before answering the question on this show is very limited.
We can do a bit of research.
I always think if we could go away for a couple of weeks, really work on the question, so we get a lot more right, but So, what's it going to be? OK, I'm going to go with Debbie and say it's not true.
OK.
Dion, truth or lie? It's .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE Well done, Debbie.
Yes, it was a lie all along.
Dion didn't set off the airbag in his car with a sneeze.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, Jonathan.
APPLAUSE So, Debbie, what is Jonathan to you? Well, this is Jonathan and when he was a baby, I used to pull him out of a top hat.
Bob, how do you know Jonathan? This is my friend Jonathan, and I have brewed three award-winning beers with him.
Right.
And finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Jonathan? This is Jonathan.
One Sunday, the two of us spent three hours trapped in an automatic car wash.
David's team, where will you begin? Well, Debbie.
So you used to pull Jonathan out of a top hat? - Yeah.
- How old was he then? - About six months old.
- Six months? Was he a rabbit at that stage? He's grown up into a lovely bunny.
What a cougar comment that was! LUCY: He's going for it, though, look.
He's aflame with desire, look at him.
He's got the right hairstyle to be pulled out of a top hat.
So where did this happen? - This was in a summer season.
- Where? - In Bournemouth.
- Debbie, how big was the top hat, then? - It was just It was a prop top hat, so it was a bit bigger than a normal one.
But, you know, babies aren't very big.
- He was only about this big.
- Six months, not very big? - Yeah.
- So - And he was Was he the son of someone else in the summer season, or? - No - Or one of the Chuckle Brothers' offspring, or something? No, it was a feature in the show, and we had different babies on different nights.
They were like in rotation, and they came from an agency.
So, who would bring Jonathan to the theatre? - His mother.
- His mother? - Yeah.
And what would happen to him? I mean, I don't want you to give away the magic trick too much, but where was he stowed .
.
up to the moment where he's pulled out of the top hat? I can't tell you, because I'm a member of the Magic Circle, - and I can't give that - That is a really handy thing for this game, I like it.
Can you come on every week? Don't give anything away, Debbie, but talk us through the trick.
There was a pretend rabbit, and then Paul would lift this big top hat from underneath, and tipped it forward.
And that's when I would come over as the assistant, and take Jonathan out, and say "And the rabbit's turned into a real live baby".
And the audience went, "Boo, we hate babies!" How long did they have to wait to be revealed? Not very long, it wasn't a very long trick.
So that they were only briefly on a stage before the reveal? They were only briefly in terrifying darkness alone.
Which they are in a cot when they go to sleep at night.
- Yes, yeah.
- And, indeed, in a womb.
I mean, that is the ultimate trick, innit? Now, who would you like to question next? Erm, Bob.
Remind us what it was that you said.
How do you know Jonathan? Because I have brewed three award-winning beers with Jonathan.
What are the names of your award-winning beers? The one that's my favourite is called Kiss The Alderman.
- That's an IPA.
- Kiss The Alderman, an IPA, yes? An IPA.
Another one was a stout, and it was called Retail Park.
- Retail Park? - Retail Park.
And the other one was a lager, and that was called Not Now, Madam.
It seems funny now.
That's why we used it.
Not Now, Madam, lager Kiss The Alderman, Retail Park, and Not Now, Madam.
He's written these down, so I hope you can remember them.
How long did you two work together for? About two years ago.
I was in a field, Dion, collecting some mud to go and bury at home in me garden.
And along came Jonathan, or J-keg, as I call him.
He said, "I recognise you off the telly, you're that Ray Mears," is what he said.
And we got chatting, and he said, "Do you like beer?" I said, "I really I like beer.
" He said, "Would you like to brew some beer?" How quick! And I said, "Yes, I would, rather urgently, actually".
"I've run out!" And he's got a brewery, J-keg, just It's a lean-to, next to a barn, right next to the field where I was.
It's quite big actually, Lee, it might be a lean-three, or a lean-four.
So I went in this marvellous little brewery that I'm imagining And we mashed - Part of the process is mashing.
- Right.
You put a load of hot water in the cylinder, and you have to stir the malt barley.
- Right.
- And I did that bit of it And I thought, "I adore this.
"Is there any way that I could see this process through, "and we could call this beer Kiss The Alderman?" What is the alderman? He's an unelected council official.
Say, for example, let's focus in on Bolton.
So if Bolton had a large Chinese community, but there was no representatives amongst the councillors, they would say, "Would you like to informally nominate one of your "Chinese community, and they will become an alderman? "And they will sit on the council and be able to represent" Right, no, that makes sense, so, we've definitely covered what happens to the Chinese community in Bolton - But back to the beer story.
- Yeah, so That was Kiss The Alderman.
So we brewed 1,000 litres, bottled it, and it was the top beer in the Kent Craft Ale Society.
Can I ask? My husband is a brewer What hops did you use? Citrus hops.
One of them's called something, and the other one, likewise, is named as well.
I mean, this all checks out.
Do you know what? The thing that is the The hipster brewing beard.
If you were to say to me, "Draw a brewer," that's what I'd draw.
That's what you'd draw.
It's very interesting.
Wow, really?! Whereas if someone asked you to draw a brewer 30 years ago, you would draw something very different, wouldn't you? I'd draw you.
APPLAUSE Now, what about Lee? Lee, remind us of your claim.
This is Jonathan.
One Sunday, the two of us got trapped for three hours in an automatic car wash.
Where was it? Where was the car wash? It was just outside the car.
Near where I live, in south-west London.
Whose car was it? Who was driving? It was my car.
And was Jonathan in your car with you? - Correct, he was the passenger.
- Why? Because we can't both drive.
How do you know Jonathan? I know Jonathan because we're in the same football team.
What is it? A "bring your grandad" team? So you were Were you driving back from football? - Driving TO football.
- Driving to football? Why were you washing your car on the way to football? "Oh, I'm looking forward to the game, young Jonathan.
"I really can't wait, but tell you what, "let's wash the car first, so that when we arrive, everybody says, 'Oh, Lee's doing well'.
" You drove into the car wash, and what happened? So, there was three options.
There was gold, silver or bronze.
And obviously, being from the north of England, I was looking for a lesser metal than all three.
But it stopped at bronze.
So I went in and I said, "Can I have a car wash?" And he gave me the token, and I went back out and Was it a token? Sometimes it's a code these days.
All right, then, what he said was, "The token is where the squirrel likes to hide".
When I say code, I don't mean riddle.
I mean a series of numbers that you put into a keypad.
Yes, well, on this occasion, it wasn't.
- You put the token in the slot? - Yes.
You advance into the car wash, the weird things start going? Yes, so the big brush at the front that goes over your bonnet, - that came towards us.
- Yeah.
And then the side ones came.
It was the side ones that caused the main issue.
They got to the door, stopped, and just kept doing that, and we couldn't open the doors.
And it did not stop for three hours.
I know, it sounds unbelievable.
Why didn't you climb over into the back-seat and get out one of the rear doors? Because it's a two-door car.
I'm assuming this happened before the invention of the mobile phone? No.
No, that was not true.
It was during the invention of the mobile phone.
- During it? - During it.
In fact, do you know what we did? We were so stuck, and didn't know what to do for three hours, we decided to invent the mobile phone! No, it was His phone was in his sports bag in the boot.
- Where was your phone? - My phone was with me.
- Why didn't you use your phone? - Because the battery had gone.
How did you eventually get out? I absolutely screamed and screamed, and this stranger passing by saw a big button on the thing that said, "Emergency stop".
So he pressed the button, and it stopped.
And when it stopped, it reset itself back to how it should be, we opened the door, and I went in.
And he went, "Oh, you're back again".
I said, "Yes, it's about my car".
He said, "What's up?" I said, "I'll tell you what's up, the doors are phenomenally clean".
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team, is Jonathan Debbie's magic mate, Bob's brewing buddy, or Lee's car wash companion? I can't believe we spent Lee's story is the kind of story I would have to invent to tell my husband if I'd been in a car with Jonathan for three hours.
Johnson looks like a hipster brewer to me.
- What do you think? - I think it's Bob, I think they're mates, - and they've done some brewing together, yeah.
- Yeah, OK You think Bob met him in a field while collecting mud? He said, "Come and have a look at my brewery" Yes, yes.
".
.
and we're going to call our beer Kiss My Alderman".
It's not Kiss MY Alderman.
It's Kiss THE Alderman.
I'm so sorry.
If it's true, I'm sorry.
Rob, you can immediately appreciate why Kiss THE Alderman is much more marketable than Kiss MY Alderman.
I certainly call mine the alderman.
You're very popular with the Chinese community in Bolton.
APPLAUSE So, David, what are you going to say? I think my team thinks it's Bob? Yeah, let's go with Bob.
OK, you're going to say Bob, OK.
Jonathan, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Jonathan, and I brew beer with Bob.
APPLAUSE Yes, Jonathan is Bob's brewing buddy.
Thank you very much, Jonathan.
Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies.
And we start with - It's Bob.
- Sorry? It's you, Bob.
It's apple pie tonight! - Is it?! So it's Friday, then? - Yes! Following advice from Chris Rea, I always crack an egg into my bath.
I've done it for 20 years.
What?! We should say, for any of the younger viewers, who are MY fans, Chris Rea was a very popular singer.
When did Chris Rea give you this advice, and in what context? I was making a single for Middlesbrough Football Club's FA Cup appearance, called Let's Dance, which I did with Chris Rea.
And after we completed the recording, he popped me into the bath, and there was an egg There was an egg in it.
He popped you into the bath? "It's been a long day, you must be very tired, let's just "I'll just pop you into the bath.
" So where was this bath? Was it at the recording studio? It's on a little island in the middle of the Thames.
It's where his studio is.
So you'd been recording, presumably in a room without a bath? Absolutely, yes.
And you finished the recording, - everyone's very happy with the track? - Yep.
- And he says, "Bob, you look tired, maybe your joints are aching, this way".
Not exactly like that.
He says, EXAGGERATED NORTHERN ACCENT: "All right, that's it, Bob, "I think we've got that, like.
That's your bedroom, "that's your bath, I've popped an egg in there for you".
Is he Geordie? - He's like where I'm from, Middlesbrough.
- Right.
But he's much more Middlesbrough than me, like.
And why would he put an egg in your bath? What was the thinking behind it? Erm, I've never found out.
- But you've done it ever since?! - All I know is that I woke up the next morning, and I have never felt so alive.
Was the egg still in its shell, floating, or had he gone? HE IMITATES EGG CRACKING No, the white had dissi Dissipated, does that work? It's fabulous, it's fabulous.
It's non-greasy, which is a boon, innit? - IS it non-greasy? - Yeah, honestly.
It's less greasy than water without egg in it? Do you have to mix it up, or do you just crack it and let it float? Do you know what? You get in the bath, even the bath where I am now, and you get in, and you don't You really don't want to burst the yolk.
So the white goes, but the yolk's there, and you move like that.
And you try and get it to come towards you like that.
And I don't know why, but you just do.
Have you ever had it get in your mouth? You get it there like that And then you get the yolk, and I use it for hair conditioner.
- Really? - I know I've not got much hair, but to condition the hair on me skin.
So, just going back to the original occasion.
Chris Rea had already run you a bath? Yes! - Yes.
- And I'd forgotten about that detail! - I know, but - .
.
and cracked an egg into it? But if you knew Chris, it's just so Chris.
Do you know? The other thing it was, is a couple of weeks later, he sent me a gold doily.
To dry yourself off? I don't know! I'm just saying, these things are just so Chris.
Do we think that the way Bob describes what happened to the egg white, is that? He says it's just dissipates.
Is that possible? If your bath is hot, then you're going to have a poached white.
I'd have thought the white, yeah, would turn white.
- No, no, no.
- How hot is YOUR bath?! Your bath is hot enough that an egg could poach in it? Well, I don't know.
Your claim is that it dissipates, I'm asking my team whether we believe that it would dissipate.
Because, if, for example, at the temperature of a bath, say, 39 Celsius, the white would turn opaque, then your story doesn't check out.
Agreed, absolutely agreed.
I think What do you think, David? I think it's fair to say that if anyone else had made this allegation about Chris Rea and an egg in their bath, we wouldn't be giving it a moment's consideration.
Somehow, coming from Bob, it might be true.
- I think - You think it's? I think it's true, because he's been about a bit, Bob.
Oh, no.
- I think the white would poach.
- Yeah, the I think the egg is the important part.
The chemical analysis of the behaviour of the albumin.
David, honestly.
One thing, please don't base it on the albumin whitening, it does not I can't have a bath at 80 plus degrees.
Is that the temperature at which an egg white would turn? It'll start at about 80, yeah.
Honestly, please don't base it on that.
What should I base it on, Bob? What are you going to say? Instinctively, I believe it.
- We're going to go true.
- You're saying true, OK.
So, Bob.
Chris Rea, eggs, baths - is it the truth, or is it a lie? This is awful! I was telling .
.
a lie.
SHOCKED GASPS, APPLAUSE Of course! Of course it's a lie! He said Chris Rea put an egg in his bath.
Of course it's a lie, it's obviously a lie.
Who could possibly believe that?! It would be more likely that someone was stuck in a car wash for three hours! Yes, it's a lie.
Bob doesn't crack an egg into his bath following advice from Chris Rea.
BUZZER And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that it's a draw.
APPLAUSE Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE