Would I Lie To You? (2007) s13e03 Episode Script

Liz Carr, Miles Jupp, Samson Kayo, Anneka Rice

APPLAUSE Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show where it pays to be economical with the truth.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a presenter who recently starred in Celebrity Hunted, where she hid under a tarpaulin with two cans of G and T.
It with nothing to do with the show, they just caught her on a regular Thursday night.
It's Anneka Rice! APPLAUSE And an actress who currently stars as a forensic scientist in Silent Witness.
Acting is in her DNA, and DNA is in her acting.
It's Liz Carr! APPLAUSE And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedian and actor who played a rabbit in Watership Down.
He also has five children.
That's what I call method acting.
Miles Jupp! APPLAUSE And a Bafta-nominated actor, who stars in a comedy about a pizza delivery man.
How do you top that? It's Samson Kayo! APPLAUSE So to Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they've got no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
- Anneka is first up.
- Oh! SHE CLEARS HER THROA I once dumped my boyfriend on a plane, then parachuted straight out of the door to avoid dealing with the aftermath.
LAUGHTER David's team? Wow! LAUGHTER So what was the plane? What was the context? It was with the army, I was doing a sort of army exercise, because I was being taken on by the Royal Engineers as a Sapper, a celebrity Sapper, and I had to detonate a bomb, and do all sorts of things, and one of the things was a parachute jump, and my boyfriend came with me, sweetly.
Am I the only one who doesn't know what a Sapper is? - No.
- No.
- Sounds like the army.
David has an awareness of the military.
What is a Sapper? What do you mean, I have an awareness of the military? - A Sapper is a sort of soldier.
- Thank you.
That was for me.
So there you go.
- Did you plan on breaking up with your boyfriend - Well - .
pre this trip? - It wasn't going well, and I thought I had been trying to work out the exact moment when it would be good, and he really wanted to come with me on the day, and, to be honest, I wanted to go on my own, because it was just going to be me - And loads of soldiers? - .
and about 1,000 soldiers! LAUGHTER We've all had days like that, Anneka.
And as the day progressed, I just got more and more annoyed that he was there.
Then we went up in the aeroplane and he just said, "I don't think things are really going well.
"You seem a bit distant today.
" And I just said, "I don't think it's working!" And jumped.
And the man in charge was thinking, "I hope she doesn't mean the parachute".
Was he then going to follow you? Was your boyfriend jumping? - No, he didn't have a parachute.
- Oh, right! - So, he didn't Well, I hope he didn't just, out of instinct, follow you! "Come back!" Is your love admin, do you think, a reasonable use of our defence budget? I mean - .
what, I mean - Yes! - What was the altitude when you jumped? - I don't know.
- Well, you must They didn't say? - Does 1,000 feet, 15 - Who parachutes? - 1,000 feet? I would say eight to twelve or something like that.
Eight to twelve feet? I'd find that quite challenging.
What are you thinking, is she telling the truth? Did this happen? Well, I have one problem with this story, which is that, if you're thinking you need to, you know, end your relationship, that's potentially an embarrassing, awkward moment, something you might be inclined to put off.
And one of the things, if I were you, I might be inclined to put it off until after, is the occasion when I have to jump out of an aircraft.
Because I just think This is why there's never been a popular programme - called Challenge David.
- Yeah, but People would set you some brave challenges and you'd very calmly and rationally explain why you couldn't possibly do them.
But assuming, hypothetically, that I have agreed to jump - out of an aircraft - Yes.
- Yeah.
I would not have that conversation just before I jumped out of the aircraft.
I'd think, "Well, I might, you know, look on the bright side, "the fall might kill me, in which case I'd never have to "have the conversation".
She did say that she hadn't planned to, it was because he said, "You seem a bit distant".
But not as distant as she seemed a second later, as she fell towards the ground.
Samson, what are you thinking? I can't buy it.
Like, I'd have just broken up with him on the ground.
I think it's almost certainly true.
- Almost certainly true? - Yeah.
So, what are you going to say, David? - I think it might be true.
- Anneka, jumping out of a plane and breaking up, was it true or was it a lie? It was - .
a lie.
- Oh! Yes, it's a lie.
Miles, you're next.
LEE: I was once dumped on an aeroplane.
I have just signed a publishing deal for my gritty debut crime novel, featuring the exploits of Detective duo Nice and Spicy.
Is it hyphenated, Nice-And-Spicy? Oh, no.
There's a duo, one is called Nice.
- Oh, sorry! - Jeremy Nice.
Did you think there was only one of them called Nice And Spicy? "Hello, I'm Detective Inspector Nice And Spicy.
" Detective Inspector Nice And Spicy and his partner, who has no name at all.
It's a duo.
Jeremy Nice, Ian Spicy.
So, you sat down with a blank piece of paper and you came up with Nice and Spicy? - Well, there's a back story, because - OK.
Jeremy, when it starts, he's quite sad, because the person he worked with, uh, Mark Cheap, died.
So, it used to be Nice and Cheap? Yeah, that's right.
LAUGHTER What sort of men are they, Miles? Well, Jeremy is incredibly tall, and Ian is incredibly short.
And that means they're one of the few people in their force that are given a police car with a sunroof.
LAUGHTER Have you written a book before? - Yes.
- What was your other book called? Other BOOKS.
Erm How many books have you written? Well, this is the third.
So, two, if you want me to do all the maths for you.
LAUGHTER Presumably you do.
It's funny, isn't it? Because a lot of people with an Oxbridge education, they can come across as condescending and a little bit And yet, you, you somehow carry it off beautifully, Miles.
This is because I don't have an Oxbridge education.
- Because a Lotoh, you don't have an Oxbridge education? - No.
- What do you have? - Just an accent.
And what's this one called again? It's called Blood In The Water.
What's the plot of Blood In The Water? - I'll tell you how it begins - Nasty urinary tract infection.
I don't want to tell you too much of a plot, that's the whole point of a whodunnit.
- Oh, don't worry, I'm not buying it.
- All I'll say In fact, I've got a feeling nobody's buying it.
So, what do you think? I think it's a lie.
Anneka, do you think it's a lie? - I think it's a lie, personally.
- You think it's a lie.
- Yeah.
- Liz? - I think it's a lie.
- I'll say lie.
- Right, Miles.
It sounded lovely.
Was it true or was it a lie? Well, it is, in fact, a .
Yes, it's a lie.
Miles hasn't written a novel about the detective duo Nice and Spicy.
Our next round is called "This Is My," Where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
It's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Roy.
APPLAUSE So, Liz, what is Roy to you? This is Roy.
Roy used to play the lottery every week till I convinced him not to, and that week his numbers came up.
Anneka, how do you know Roy? This is Roy.
I like to paint him naked in my kitchen.
And finally, Lee, what is your relationship with Roy? This is Roy.
I once spent the night in his petrol station wearing nothing but my wife's dressing gown.
David's team, where do you want to begin? OK, well, Liz.
That's quite an unlikely story.
I mean, statistically, there is no point you can get a lottery ticket when you're not more likely to die before the numbers are drawn, than for your numbers to come up.
You didn't get that ad campaign, did you, David? That's how unlikely it is.
So, his numbers came up the next week? But what you've just said is essentially what I said to him.
- Yeah.
- I don't play the lottery.
And so, Roy works with me.
- Yeah.
- Works on Silent Witness.
- Mm.
- And, um - In what capacity? - In the art department.
- OK.
So, we'd talk, I was like, "Why are you doing it? Why are you doing it?" "You never know, never know.
" And thenhe approached his 40th, and I was like, "Break a habit".
So, Roy's 40? - Yeah.
- At least 40.
- Hm.
LEE: He looks young.
What would he have won? He got five balls, numbers, whatever, and then the bonus one.
I think that gets you a million.
A million pounds? Yeah.
LAUGHTER Did you know what his numbers were before he stopped? - No.
- So, the week after he stopped he told you, "Yeah, those, that, "last week, those were MY numbers".
Is that what happened? - He told me, and he showed me.
- He had a previous ticket, from a previous week, and he showed you that, and the numbers come up the first week he hadn't played the lottery? So, he's quite angry.
He's bringing in a lot of evidence.
Here's my file entitled, "You Have Ruined My Life".
Clearly, Roy still speaks to you after Well, I mean, obviously, we still work together, because he didn't win.
APPLAUSE Right, David, who would you like to question next? OK, Anneka.
You like to paint him naked? - Yeah.
- Why? Because Roy, lovely, beautiful Roy, as I call him, is a life model.
And so, he comes round to my house sometimes and, uh, gets - Strips? - .
strips, and I paint him.
Would you be prepared to paint him fully clothed? I thought you were going to say, "Would you be prepared to do me on a Wednesday" "If I If I pay you!" What medium, Anneka? - Are you in charcoal or oils? - I work in oils, I do like - You're an oil? - I'm an oil person with Roy, quite a lot.
- What, he covers himself in oil? - Yeah.
- And then you paint him? Oil paint.
Oh, I was about to say, "Big man, what are you dealing with?" How long have you been painting? About ten years, properly, and Roy's one of the regular models.
Do you pay Roy? Yes.
I pay him, he's a professional model.
- So, you make an appointment with him - I make an appointment.
- .
ding-dong! - He - LAUGHTER - Is that his nickname? You're at home, you've got your equipment out.
- Got it all.
- Ding-dong! - Ding-dong! - Now, he doesn't arrive naked, does he? - No.
- What happens? - Oh, come on, you can work it out, Rob.
So, I've got a studio, next to the kitchen, if I'm doing big oil painting in the studio.
But then, we go into the kitchen, and I'll carry on sketching and things.
- And because he's been paid - He's still nude? .
he's still naked.
Because I know him so well, he doesn't bother to put a pant on or anything like that.
Not a single, solitary pant.
How many variations of a naked man can you do? Not that you're telling the truth, cos I am.
What you don't know about Roy, is he does the most - extraordinary dynamic poses, so - Oh, a different pose every week.
it's endless.
Oh, it's endless.
Can he show you? I'd love to see.
Please show us, yes.
- Well - I'm sorry, you're trying to make it all tasteful, all we're thinking of is a bloke showing up, going, "Is it with the fruit bowl again, Anneka?" He can do the most extraordinary "I'm not holding those grapes again.
"Three hours that took last time.
" LAUGHTER "Especially with me hands on me head, "I can't hold me grapes with those.
" Why don't you position Lee into some of the poses that you enjoy with Roy? And take your time over this, Anneka.
- One last thing, one last thing.
Lee? - Yeah.
Please don't take your clothes off.
- OK.
- So, after a cup of tea, you are going to take your clothes off.
- All that.
Hold that.
- I'll hold the tea.
So, what sort of poses do you normally do? I'm still taking my clothes off.
I've got the pants on.
I'm leaving them on for a second.
Don't know why I'm doing this when it's a zip.
- OK - Haven't got the T-shirt off yet.
- I'll just mix my paint.
- Right, now I'm down to my pants.
- So, are you going to Could you? - Well, look the other way.
Look away? - Why do you want her to look away?! - Cos I'm not working yet.
- It's when I say go.
- OK.
Well, I can't do it if you're going to look at me! Can you look the other way? "Roy, get round here as quick as you can.
" Anneka, you haven't put the heater on.
Are you comfortable? - I'm not comfortable, no! - No.
- I only came round for an autograph.
Shall we see what sort of positions? Hang on, let me see the cash, first.
You have to count it.
What are you trying to put it there for?! I've got nothing on! Has that gone in the folds of me skin? - What do you want me to do? - Get on your knees.
- On my knees?! This is looking like a hostage situation.
Now what do I do? Do you want to perhaps? Yeah.
Oh! Oh! Yeah.
Hang on.
Is someone going to fire a gun after this?! - That's the sort of - That's the sort of thing .
position that Roy does.
Well, thank you, Lee.
Put your clothes back on.
All right.
What about Lee? - So what is the, erm? - I've forgotten myself.
This is Roy.
I once spent the night in his petrol station wearing nothing but my wife's dressing gown.
Why are you in the petrol station overnight? Because I was I got locked out of my house.
How did you get locked out of your house? Well, I went out the house, didn't have me keys.
I mean, how would you do it? Why were you only wearing your wife's dressing gown - when you left the house? - I was at home alone.
My wife was away.
It was about 2.
00 or 3.
00 in the morning, and I suddenly woke up in a cold sweat because I hadn't put the bins out.
And I panicked, and I suddenly got up out of bed.
And I like to wear just my pants in bed.
Let me Tell me if it gets too arousing.
So I grab what I think is my dressing gown from the back of the bedroom door, and I realise straight away that it's my wife's, but I think, "I'm only taking the bins".
It's only, like, a quick-second job, so I go downstairs, because that's where the front door is.
And, er We used to have it on the middle floor, but many injuries.
So I went out the front door, and I just did that with my hand, went, "Oh!" Turned around - slam, like that.
So why didn't you go, like, next door or something? It's 2.
00 in the morning, and I live in a castle.
Now, you walk barefoot Well, no, human feet.
- .
to the garage.
- I walk to the garage.
And what do you find there? I find Roy, and he was reading the paper.
There's not much business at 2.
00 in the morning, you know.
HE KNOCKS And I remember, he went .
"Very hairy feet, sir.
" I said, "I've locked myself out.
"Is there any chance I could borrow your phone "so I could phone my wife?" - Where was she? - She was at a relative's house.
In a safehouse.
Did you know Roy previously? I'd been in the petrol station a few times, but he won't recognise me cos I was always wearing a balaclava.
Anyway, I borrow his phone.
- Yeah.
- I dial.
Straight to answering machine.
- So what did you do? And the answering machine just said, "Hi, not here at the moment.
"If this is Lee, I still don't want to see you.
" So I said to Roy, "Cor, now what?" We had a little coffee, and then started having a chat, and he was really nice.
He said, "You're my favourite on the show, and" It's a lie.
And then, when punters came in and just saw you, did they? Occasionally, cos it's 24/7.
You know, it's a bit awkward.
We had a laugh with the first few customers.
By the fifth one, we thought it'd be funny if we didn't tell them and I just held his hand.
And then she came back in the morning She came back in the morning, and I said, "I'm sorry, but I'm in love with Roy".
All right.
We need an answer, so, David's team, is Roy Liz's lottery loser, Anneka's kitchen companion, or Lee's forecourt friend? It's absolutely not Lee's, much as we've enjoyed your contribution.
The thing I don't believe about Liz's is that Liz says he's 40.
Now, I know black don't crack, but .
he is not 40.
- I'm leaning towards Anneka's, suddenly.
- All right.
What are you going to say? - You think Anneka? - I think Anneka.
- Anneka? - I think Anneka.
- OK.
We're going to go Anneka.
They're saying Anneka.
Roy, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Roy, and .
Anneka paints me naked in her kitchen.
APPLAUSE Yes, Roy is Anneka's kitchen companion.
Thank you very much, Roy.
Which brings us to our final round, Quick-Fire Lies, and we start with It's David.
Last month, I had a frightening dream in which I was locked in the stocks of a medieval town.
When I awoke, I was disturbed to discover that my arms were through the leg holes of my pyjama bottoms.
LAUGHTER Lee's team.
- How? - I'm not demonstrating again, no.
So you mean, not only through the top of the pyjama bottoms, but right the way through, showing at the end of the leg hole? Yes.
I was wearing them, as it were, twice.
- Tell us about the dream itself.
- It's impressions.
- I remember the - Give us those.
The smell of manure.
Oh, David, not again.
I could hear horses clattering about, you know, clip-clopping.
- What was the crime you'd committed? - I don't know what the crime was.
- You don't know the crime.
- I don't know.
All I remember, and you'll be familiar with this, is a deep sense of shame.
- And I'm being dragged along.
- Yes.
And I was a sort of figure of shame, and things were being thrown at me - cabbages, that sort of thing - and I was put in roughly, by which I mean unpleasantly, not approximately, put in the - The stocks.
- .
the village stocks, yeah.
You must have had quite a wide-legged trouser to get your - Yes, it was quite a - .
arms down.
I'll be completely honest, my trousers had gone down a bit.
- Yes.
- By that point, then, your genitals are effectively sort of trapped in a hinge created by your stomach - Well, that's - Probably why you were screaming.
the only way I can get to sleep.
- No, my trousers had gone down to the knees - Right.
and my arms were through the trouser legs.
Do you really call them pyjama trousers? I suspect I've used both terms.
Do you call it a pyjama jacket, the top bit? - No.
- That's pyjama top.
I actually To be honest, I call the whole thing a night uniform.
All right, what do you think, Liz? Is David telling the truth? It's the pyjama bit I don't believe.
You don't believe he wears pyjamas in bed? Oh, that is the only bit I do believe.
No, because I think he wears a nightshirt.
LAUGHTER Yes! Good point.
- I'm not inclined to believe it.
- Right, OK.
We'll say it's a lie.
You think it's a lie? I think it's a lie.
David, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie? Well, I was telling .
a lie.
it's Samson.
Er .
I once got stopped at customs for carrying a suitcase full of biscuits.
Ooh Lee's team.
What kind of biscuits? Erm - .
Jammie Dodgers.
- A suitcase full? - Yes.
- Why were you carrying so many Jammie Dodgers? It was a little suitcase.
How many packets of Jammie Dodgers was in it? About22.
I should say at this point, other biscuits are available.
Hobnobs, Choco Leibniz, Bourbons, you name it.
Where were you flying to? I was flying to Los Angeles.
So is this carry-on luggage getting on, or are they checking - the bags when you get off? - It was the carry-on thing.
Oh, you needed them for the flight? They don't do Jammie Dodgers in Los Angeles.
Right, but why couldn't you put them in your main luggage? - Why did they have to go on the plane? - They'd crumble.
You have to be very delicate, so what I do is I put them in the fridge so they get really hard - And then take the fridge with you? - No, no, no, no.
That would just be silly, wouldn't it? So I put them LAUGHTER .
put them in so Cos they're really hard.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- .
they won't break.
Why did they suspect you? Was it when you were? I was just coming through and, er, it went through, you know, the guy sits there and he looks at? - Yes.
- And - He saw them on the X-ray? Yeah.
So he goes, "Why have you got so many so many biscuits?" and I said, "I'm going to eat them".
And he opened a few, and then When he opened them, though, what did he do? Did he taste them? I couldn't see where he went.
He went, like, around, like, a little pillar and he put the suitcase down and he was checking them.
- And then I remember - Probably made a cup of tea, didn't he? No, it was funny, cos I remember he gave 'em back and obviously I went on my way, and when I got to LA, I realised there was, like, 17 packs left.
- Was there anything else in that suitcase? - Er DAVID: Heroin.
Plane socks, innit? Oh, I don't care what colour they were.
Why were you going to LA? - Just a holiday.
- Just a holiday? - Yeah.
- How many weeks? - Two months.
- Two months for a holiday?! Yeah, I've got a lot of friends, and, you know Well, I've got lots of friends, but I don't have two-month holidays.
Yeah, but, like, I'm an actor, innit? Well, I'M an actor! So what's it going to be? Truth or lie? - Well, Liz is saying lie.
Are you sticking with lie? - Yeah, absolutely.
I'm saying a lie.
I'm going to go with my team.
So they're saying it's a lie.
Samson, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? It was .
the truth.
it's Liz.
I had to retake one of my first-ever scenes in Silent Witness because I looked far too happy to be watching an anthrax attack.
LAUGHTER David's team.
So, why are you watching an anthrax attack in the scene? There had been an anthrax attack, so we were watching it on the TV.
So, we're only talking about fictional anthrax? We are talking about fictional I wasn't watching the world unfolding and laughing.
So was it like a big outbreak, pandemic, all forms of law enforcement came out? We are talking a BBC budget, so it was kind of quite a small thing.
- Two ambulances and a skip.
- That's right.
That's right.
What about the laughing? How does that come into it? It was early days in my Silent Witness career, and next to me was Emilia Fox, and I was like, "Hee-hee-hee!" I was essentially holding up a "Oh, my God, Mum, look where I am" signin my face.
"Here I am, I'm with Emilia Fox, watching an anthrax attack!" Let's imagine that I'm the television report telling you about the anthrax attack, OK? Lee is - this is going to be a bit of a leap - is Emilia Fox.
I could be method - do you want me to root through the bins? What does she play again, Emilia Fox? - She's a pathologist.
- A pathologist.
I knew that.
- All right.
Here we go.
- Right.
Well, serious scenes at the moment in London Right, let's get the kidneys out, have a look at those.
Chuck us the scissors, princess.
HE GRUNTS Eugh! Bloomin' 'eck! I'm just watching you in awe.
I thought you were watching news coverage, not cutting up a corpse.
- Lee couldn't resist the opportunity to show his range.
- We've digressed.
Sorry, the stitches take time.
That's beautiful work.
It's very important to leave them with dignity.
- Pass the scissors.
- Just gaffer tape.
Do you want to take your gloves off? So you were giggling because you were right next to someone so well-known and popular, yet tonight, I haven't seen you giggle once.
What are you thinking? I'm thinking that it's true.
Samson? - Yeah, I think it's true.
- We're going to go true.
- You're going to say true.
- We're going to say true.
Liz, were you telling the truth, or were you telling a lie? I was telling the truth.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's true.
KLAXON WAILS That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show, and I can reveal that it's a draw.
Lee has three and David has three.
APPLAUSE Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.