Would I Lie To You? (2007) s13e04 Episode Script

APPLAUSE Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show with tall tales and tantalising truths.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, the Strictly presenter who raised £1 million for Comic Relief by dancing for 24 hours.
And still Craig only gave her a five.
It's Claudia Winkleman! APPLAUSE And a comedian and actor who once starred in a comedy drama as a character called Cheese.
I love the way he matured over the series.
It's Guz Khan! APPLAUSE And on Lee Mack's team tonight, an actor and comedian who used to be a teacher.
He has many fond memories of his school years, mainly between July and September.
It's Greg Davies! APPLAUSE And a history presenter, who is an expert on the War of the Roses.
Now, I know some people don't like the coffee creams, but going to war is a bit much.
It's Lucy Worsley! APPLAUSE We begin with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Greg, you're first up tonight.
While on a camping holiday in France, I invented a game my family and I couldn't stop playing.
We call this game Milky Cow.
LAUGHTER David's team.
Er, well, do explain the rules of Milky Cow.
LAUGHTER Um LAUGHTER I feel I should probably start with the origin of Milky Cow, would you No need, just get straight to the LAUGHTER .
.
detailed rundown of the rules and then we can do the background later.
Um, Milky Cow is essentially, um Don't look at me.
LAUGHTER .
.
it's a test of the strength of your lungs, really.
Because LAUGHTER .
.
a player in Milky Cow would breathe in as deeply as they can and, then, breathe out whilst constantly saying the phrase "Milky cow.
" Mm-hm.
If you stop, then you're out.
- This is working, right? - Yes, yes.
The person who continually says Milky Cow for the longest - is the winner.
- Right.
So, ifif, let's say, imagine we're your family, camping.
We weren't went camping, we were in a hotel, Claudia, but carry on.
- If you want to revert back to your card - I thought you said camping? Hang on, refer back to card for a moment there.
Oh, we were camping, yeah! LAUGHTER I'd rather keep that face up.
LAUGHTER The first rule of Would I Lie To You?, - always keep the card face up! - Yeah - I would say that Milky Cow was played for many summers - Ah! .
.
and it was played in hotels and camping.
It was The origins, actually, we were in a sort of chalet, a mobile home.
- Can we play Milky Cow? - Absolutely, yeah.
- Let's play it.
So, go on.
- The imp LAUGHTER You're not going to ask me, so I'm going to tell you the origins because it'sbecause it's relevant.
LAUGHTER My sister saw a lady on the same chalet area - in the South of France.
- Yeah.
And she was a perfectly normal-looking girl, but my sister said, "Look at that milky cow.
" And, when we all looked at her, she had quite bovine features.
Every day we saw her and milky cow became exaggerated every time we saw her.
So, the first time we saw her, my sister went, "Look at that milky cow", we all went, "Oh.
" - And maybe on the third or fourth day - Yeah? Yeah? My sister just naturally went, "Mm, milky cow.
" LAUGHTER And then we all started driving past her and going "Milky cow!" And as the days went on, it became, "Bleugh-bleugh-bleugh, "milky cow!" LAUGHTER Eventually LAUGHTER Oh, I've been on this show for five minutes, I already feel insane! .
.
eventually, it became a test of who could say - GREG BABBLES - .
.
"milky cow" the longest.
Right, so - Do you want to - Of course! - .
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play? Well, you say that it's addictive, so I imagine if I start now, - I'm off.
- Yeah! - All right.
- Are you ready? Maybe we'll stop playing Would I Lie To You?! LAUGHTER It'll be like a footnote in the history of the incredibly successful television programme, Milky Cow.
For the first 11 or 12 series, it was another game called Would I Lie To You? What's your point in all those lies and truth? Let's just all go - DAVID BABBLES - .
.
milky cow! For hours and hours and hours, cos it turns out to be the most entertaining and addictive thing you could imagine and heroin sales will go through the floor.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Greg, over to you.
I feel a little on the ropes after that.
- Ready? - OK.
- Three, two, one.
Breathe in.
- GREG INHALES DEEPLY THEY BABBLE It's quite good fun! Milky cow! I win, I win! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - We're agreed, then, that Milky Cow is a brilliant game.
- Awesome! The question is was it invented several years ago in the south of France, or was it invented a few minutes ago, here? LAUGHTER I think it - You think it might be true? - Well LAUGHTER I mean, it's false.
Most def, you're chatting, bro, but I think you developed an amazing game on the spot, so, I mean, if there's half a point for that - I don't know how it works, but, yeah.
There are no bonuses for product development.
LAUGHTER - I think it's unlikely to be true.
- Yes, agreed.
Are you saying lie? - Are you happy to go Lie? - Yeah, of course.
Yeah, of course.
He's chatting, yeah.
- OK, you're saying lie, right.
- Lie! - Greg? Milky Cow? - Yeah.
The south of France, a mobile chalet .
.
truth or lie? Well, I am delighted to introduce Milky Cow to the national stage because .
.
it's true.
Oh, I knew it! APPLAUSE Yes Yes, rejoice.
It is true - Greg did invent a family game called Milky Cow.
Oh, dear me! And, Guz, you're next.
When I worked in a school, I locked another teacher in a cupboard to teach him a lesson.
Oh, what did you teach? - Humanities.
- Humanities? I thought you were going to say humans then! - Humanities? - Yeah.
- And what age were the kids? I'm checking out your teaching credentials before we get - to the other bit of the story.
- Yeah, all good, secondary school kids.
Secondary school.
Where in the country was this? - In West Midlands.
- West Midlands, right, OK.
You're a teacher, aren't you, does all that stack up? - I'm not any more, Lee.
- You used to be a teacher, didn't you? - I'm a well-known comedian.
- Are you?! LAUGHTER I genuinely thought you were a celebrity teacher and that's why you were here! I thought you were from that thing about teaching people in Yorkshire - is that not you? Where did you do your teaching degree? Never mind that, where do you do your comedy gigs?! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Why did you lock the other teacher inwas it a cupboard? Yeah, it was the Humanities cupboard, yeah, yeah.
- Why did you lock him in there? - Er, me and him had - .
.
had beef on sight.
- Had beef on what? - On sight.
- Is that a sandwich? - No! LAUGHTER - As soon as As soon as we locked eyes - Yeah? .
.
I knew there was going to be an issue because he thought he was the most popular teacher amongst the kids.
So, I turned up at school and, within a week, - I was the most popular teacher in school.
- Big head! - He very Listen, I'm just - What made you such a popular teacher? I was like the Pied Piper of literacy.
Kids were following me around everywhere, like, "Yo, sir!" That is That is quite a claim! LAUGHTER Pied Piper of literacy?! - In the Humanities department?! - That's correct! Ignore Humanities! LAUGHTER Come and read my novels, children! Yeah, and, so, obviously the reputation's going around school, like, "Yeah, sir taught me how to use full stops and that, "he's a sick guy.
" LAUGHTER That is a sentence that has never been uttered by anybody under the age of 21.
"He taught me how to use full stops, he's a sick guy!"? LAUGHTER Yeah.
How long did you lock him in a cupboard for? Actually, here's part of story that you need to know, fundamentally.
The reason why I chose to lock him in the cupboard on that day is because I knew it would make him late for his lesson observation.
- Observation? - Yes.
So, lesson observation is essentially how teachers are judged on how good they are as teachers, yeah? It's not based on how you move these children on emotionally, spiritually, how you build them as human beings.
It's a 15 minute window in which a waste-man that can't teach themselves comes in and judges you.
Isn't that right? LAUGHTER So, you locked him in so he'd get into trouble on his obs? Oh! - Yeah, I did.
Shall I tell you why? - Please do.
He started spreading a rumour amongst the senior leadership team that I wasn't marking my students' books.
- Oh! - Right.
- Is that bad? I wasn't, but that's not the point LAUGHTER Greg, no snitching on other teachers, right?! - And what was the upshot of all of this? - Well.
.
Did you let him out? Did he escape? Is he still there? LAUGHTER No, I did let him out eventually.
I just wanted to ensure that he was late for that lesson observation, because that means you're looked upon very harshly by the senior leadership team that he had been snitching me out to.
So, you know, fair's fair, square squares, you know what I'm saying? If you were capable of locking a man in this cupboard, surely a kid could've got locked in there and it would've been a health and safety disaster.
Yeah, I banged a couple of them in there as well every now and then LAUGHTER All right, what are you thinking? - I'm saying it's true.
- Lucy? Er Um LAUGHTER Do you need rebooting? - I'm going to say it's a lie.
- Are you? I just find it implausible.
Do you believe people can have beef on sight? LAUGHTER I'm persuadable.
I don't feel so strongly about it.
- We're going to say it's true.
- You're going to say it's true.
OK, Guz, were you just telling us the truth, or were you telling us a lie? I was telling .
.
the truth.
APPLAUSE Our next round is called This is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot who is telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Lumboo.
APPLAUSE So, Guz, what is Lumboo to you? This is Lumboo, and when I work away from home, he sleeps in the same room as me to protect me from ghosts.
LAUGHTER Claudia, how do you know Lumboo? This is Lumboo, and despite his car being the only one in an otherwise empty car park, I still managed to hit it.
And, finally, David, what is your relationship with Lumboo? This is Lumboo, and whilst strolling through ancient Rome in his virtual reality headset, I tripped over a footstool and fell into a fireplace.
Lee's team, where will you begin? Shall we start with Guz? So, you take him round with you because you're scared of ghosts in bedrooms.
It's not at home, right? - No, it doesn't affect me at home.
- It's only when you go away? Just a room that I don't know, that I ain't slept in.
Is it because he has special exorcist powers, or can it be anybody? No, particularly the force is strong with - .
.
er, Lumboo - This one? .
.
at expelling demons and scary things like this.
Why is he giggling? Because he's taking so much money off Guz! LAUGHTER Is it a professional relationship? He works for you? - No, no, no, not at all, he's an old school friend - Yes? .
.
from childhood, because it's quite a difficult sell that, isn't it? Even to pay somebody money to come along with you, to sleep in the same room as you, usually a single bed at the Premier Inn and to I believe there are people who will do that for money.
LAUGHTER Do you share the bed, or is he in a different bed? You've said it was a single bed.
Yeah, I mean, it depends, doesn't it, like, you know? Quite early in my career, things were a bit tight, when they're like, "We'll sort you out a hotel room.
"It's going be the one bed.
" So, you have to do what you have to do.
Well, you might have to do what you have to do, maybe he doesn't want to do what he has to do! What does Lumboo do for a living, then? Oh, no, he's got a flexible Like a flexible job and that.
Yeah, no, I didn't say what hours does he do, said what does he do? He works at Leicestershire County Council in an advisory role.
I've never heard a sentence so clearly not sure where it's going when it started.
LAUGHTER I mean, blooming heck, you really stretched that out.
IN A SLOW-MOTION VOICE: "He works in Le" You're not scared of ghosts in at home? - No, no, no.
- You're only scared of ghosts away from home? That's correct.
It's a childhood phobia, yeah, ghosts, and I was dealing with it quite well until What's that show that Holly Willoughby does and the geezer with the grey hair? - Oh, er, This Morning.
This Morning.
- This Morning.
You know Phillip Schofield? He's not a ghost.
You know that, don't you? He just went grey very early, Phillip.
Yeah, so they had a guest on, and she said she was happily engaged to her fiance, until they moved into a new house, and she started spending time in the spare bedroom, alone, and she was communicated with by a spirit, and, essentially, it rekindled my fear, because, essentially, she ended the story, live on telly, saying that it had gone to a point now where she and the ghost were like MAKES SQUEAKING NOISE - Oh, no! - So, like Driving a clown car together? Yeah.
Have you ever, have you ever encountered a ghost? No, but this is why he comes along, cos I ain't ready to, like LAUGHTER You've never seen a ghost? No, I don't really feel like staying in Norfolk in a weird B&B, and, like, the spirit of Sheila's like, "Hello, darling.
" LAUGHTER I ain't ready for that, I don't play in the supernatural games, brother.
Have you, er, tricked a friend into spending nights with you in a single bed by pretending you're scared of ghosts? I mean, that's a whole different show, but, you know LAUGHTER All right.
Who do you want to move on to? - Erm - Someone who's telling the truth.
LAUGHTER - Claudia.
- Hello.
- Remind us, Claud, of what it was.
OK, well, my local supermarket's gone 24 hours.
I went there quite early in the morning and his car was the only one in the car park, er, and it was an empty car park, and he was coming up with a trolley, and I managed to hit his car.
I did say sorry a million times.
So he was parked, you were arriving.
But, you know, sometimes Why did you choose a place to park that was so near him? Well, A, oh, it sounds too weird A, I'm not telling the truth.
What's B? No, I just thought that's where you line up the cars, I thought when the other cars I didn't want my car to be lonely, I don't know, I was I was panicked by choice.
I wouldn't say it was hit.
I think we agreed on that they kissed.
We swapped information.
I said I was so sorry.
I was mortified.
And how did Lumboo react to this? Did he say, "Why did you park so close to me?" He was confused.
I'm speaking for him, but he did come out, going LAUGHTER Well, that's far more animated than he's been for the last five minutes.
LAUGHTER I was beginning to think he's a ghost.
Did he recognise you? No.
I've never been recognised.
Maybe on Never in my life.
I don't think Strictly's on telly.
Sometimes I sing the theme tune on the Tube, nobody looks at me.
LAUGHTER What supermarket was it? Sainsbury's.
II'd had you down as Waitrose.
My local Waitrose does not have a car park.
You can look that up.
- I will.
- OK.
LAUGHTER What about David's story? It's not really in the spirit of the game, but I'm I'm happy to dismiss David's story immediately, without any questioning whatsoever.
I can't remember, what was your, er, what was your story? - It was nonsense about a virtual reality - Oh, yes, yeah.
- It was, erm, er, that, that, er - Come on, you should know by now.
LAUGHTER I, er, was walking through ancient Rome in Lumboo's virtual reality headset, when I tripped.
But do you mean it was his, personally? It belonged to the company he works for.
- Oh, right.
- And what company does he work for? He works for a company that does virtual reality headsets.
LAUGHTER His firm is launching a sort of virtual reality, - go round ancient Rome and other places in the past - Right.
.
.
and they're interested in me providing a, er, an instructive and informative voiceover to the, erm GREG LAUGHS - And you tripped on what? - Er, a, er a footstool.
- A footstool, and landed in a - Fireplace.
- So - So you landed in your own fireplace, sorry? I landed The footstool and the fireplace, for clarity, existed in this realm, in this, the non-virtual reality.
Oh, I'm sorry, in your living room? - Exactly, yes.
- So you fell into your own fireplace? - I did, yeah, yeah.
- And how long had you walked before you tripped? Er, II'd been exploring ancient Rome for probably two or three minutes.
- What, all in your living room? - Yeah, well, the thing is How big IS your palace? But you're not supposed to really walk, - you're supposed to just sort of - Walk on the spot? - .
.
mime walking.
- So why did you change your mind? - I got carried away.
I wanted to explore.
I could see the Senate House.
I wanted to feel Trajan's Column.
LAUGHTER Well, hang on, let's imagine now that you had got the gig.
Give us the sort of narrative that we might enjoy.
- I've popped on my headset - Right, OK.
OK, I'm impressed by what I'm seeing.
Here I go, look, here I go.
I've got it on.
OK.
- I'm walking.
- Don't walk, Rob.
On the spot, he's warned you about this.
- On the spot, yeah.
- On the spot.
- OK.
LAUGHTER Wow.
I can't believe you get any acting jobs.
Now, I'm hearing nothing, so I'm not happy with it.
Well, you're asking me to improvise informative things about Rome - Yes.
- .
.
and I can't.
You're a historian! - I've heard your jokes! - No, I'm a comedian! LAUGHTER Come on.
All right.
The Rome's forum, er, was The first records of Rome's forum date from - You're not going to make slip-ups like that, are you? - What? LAUGHTER I'm expecting a far more professional outfit.
You get more than one take.
How many times did it take you to say the thing about the Crunchy Nut Cornflakes? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE This is Rome's forum.
The first records of Rome's forum date from, I don't know, 400 BC? I'm looking for accuracy with this, please.
I mean, you'd have to ask the person that's writing the script! He'd have a whole script, he'd be in a voice-over booth Hang on, Claudia Winkleman? LAUGHTER This is absolute rubbish! APPLAUSE So why did you not end up doing the job? I'm GOING to do the job.
- Oh, you're doing it? - Yeah.
I don't think so, after that! LAUGHTER All right.
We need an answer.
Is Lumboo Guz's fearless friend with the ghosts, Claudia's dented driver in the car park, or David's virtual visitor? It's a tricky one because we've got to decide whether Guz is happy to come on national television and admit such a strange thing, or whether Claudia is a terrible parker, or whether David will do any old rubbish for money .
.
and I know which way I'm leaning.
LAUGHTER Hm.
What do we think, Lucy? - Well, not the ghosts.
- Not the ghost? - No.
- We're ruling that out? - Yeah.
They're all terribly unbelievable, but I think Claudia's might be the least unbelievable.
I don'tI don't believe that there's any fear of ghosts.
- I think it's Claudia.
- I do.
- I think Claudia bumped into his car.
- OK, let's go with Claudia.
- You're going to say it's Claudia? OK.
Lumboo, would you please reveal your true identity? So, I'm Lumboo, I sleep in the same room as Guz to protect him from ghosts.
APPLAUSE Yes, Lumboo is Guz's fearless friend.
Thank you very much, Lumboo.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies and we start with .
.
it's Lee.
Ahead of a forthcoming beach holiday, I've been practising my snorkelling in the bath.
Last week, I managed to stay under for the entirety of The Archers.
David's team.
Erm Lie.
For some of the younger people who have full and vibrant lives - Yeah.
- .
.
what is The Archers? The Archers is a radio soap opera about people who do archery.
Is your bath big enough that you can effectively bob in it, full-length? - No.
My bottom is showing up out of the water.
- Oh, God! Picture the scene, Lucy! And you remained in that weird position - For the whole of The Archers.
- .
.
for the whole of The Archers.
The omnibus or? No, I wasn't on a bus.
I was in the bath.
Where are you going on holiday where there's going to be such great snorkelling? Thailand.
Sorry, not TIE-land.
Sockshop.
LAUGHTER You've got your head in the water with your arms by your side - Yeah.
- .
.
your bum in the air - Yeah.
- .
.
for ten minutes.
- Ten minutes.
- What what good does that do? It makes you It helps you practise not panicking with your head under the water.
You're pushing your head down right under the surface of the water.
I've got about that much water in the bath and my head's not - That much?! - Wow.
- What? What do you mean, that much? - It's a big bath.
- That's a big bath.
- I'm surprised you can get your bum - out of the water at that depth.
- Oh, no, I've got knee pads.
Big, thick knee pads, cos it can get very uncomfortable.
You could put a little stool in the water.
I tried that, but my wife said I've got to stop doing that.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So, what are you thinking? I think he's fibbing.
Oh.
Claudia? - Yes.
That's a lie.
- David.
Yes.
It's a lie.
It's a lie.
- Lee.
- What? - Was it a lie or were you telling the truth? It's .
.
a lie.
APPLAUSE Next .
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it's Lucy.
Once, while trying to bring history to life, I reduced a child to tears.
David's team.
OK.
How did you reduce the child to tears? Well .
.
it's quite a long story.
- I was - Well, at least you're rattling through it.
DAVID: What awhat a supportive team captain you are! Don't be bullied by him, Lucy.
But do get on with it.
We were in Birmingham making a history documentary about chamber pots, and we were in little houses where working people had lived in the 19th century, and I was in bed with my chamber pot and - What? - What? DAVID: I'm assuming this is for, as it were, a scene in the documentary.
- Yes.
- This wasn't the accommodation And in the bed with me were .
.
a load of kids from the local school, and, ermthey were very quiet and very shy.
- Well, it was an odd situation for them, wasn't it? - It was, yeah.
And I was trying to explain to them what a chamber pot was and inside the chamber pot, to make it more - Oh, no.
- .
.
believable .
.
we had put some ginger beer.
- Oh.
- OK We were expecting worse, be honest.
- You had you had the chamber pot - I had the chamber pot.
- .
.
full of ginger beer.
- Full of ginger beer.
- Yes.
- And I was showing it to these - Full?! Brimming? Had you warmed it up to make it really realistic? CLAUDIA: Steaming? "Why are you crying?!" - They're not crying yet.
- So you showed them the ginger beer.
I showed them it and they were Still got nothing back.
They were just looking a bit kind of frightened.
And, in desperation .
.
I drank the ginger beer.
GROANING AND LAUGHTER And that's when they started crying.
Was it not a horrible moment when the producer came up to you as you were doing it and said, "We couldn't get any ginger beer"? - How many children were there in the bed? - Seven or eight, and they all started crying and had to be taken away.
- All of them started to cry? - They had to be taken away by their chaperone.
Well, of course they did.
A woman had just drunk five pints of wee in front of them.
I drank it purely to get a reaction.
So, they're sobbing, you'requite windy after drinking five pints.
"Ugh, sorry, gang.
" I love that it's become fact that it was five pints.
It would be quite a slow process, essentially, more than a yard of ginger beer! What was the name of the programme? "Chamber Pots - A Closer Look?" It was called If Walls Could Talk: An Intimate History Of Your Home.
- OK.
LEE: Oh, damn, I missed it.
- I think it's true.
That came out very fast.
Yeah, early on, this was a history of the chamber pot, which doesn't sound plausible, but the chamber pot as one of the elements of the 19th-century home, - that's more plausible.
- All right.
What are you thinking? - I'm not sure.
- I'm happy to say true and if it's a lie, so be it.
- Yes, exactly.
- And I can live with that.
- Yeah, let's do that.
You're going to say true? We're going to say true and, when it turns out to be a lie, - we can live with it.
- We'll all be fine.
Lucy, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? You credulous fools.
- Actually, I am telling the truth.
- Aarrgh! APPLAUSE BUZZER And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to two.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done, us.
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.