Wrecked (2016) s03e01 Episode Script

Bush Man

1 - Wouldn't it be crazy if this plane just - [SCREAMING] Last season on "Wrecked" - We're pirates, mother - [SCREAMING] - They're gonna kill us! - So we'll take 'em out all at once.
- [GROANING] - [YELLS] My friends and I are going home.
The pirates came here on a cruise ship? - Me and Todd - We're getting married! I have feelings for you! I have feelings for you, too! - Luther? - Yes? KAREN: Abandon ship! I thought I was gonna die in here, but instead, I met you, my new best friend.
- We got land! - [ALL CHEERING] We're alive! [ALL CHEERING] Luther!! He stood on a land mine! [ALL SCREAMING] [PANTING] [GUNSHOT] [GUNSHOT] What the hell? - [ARROW THUDS] - [GRUNTS] - Oh, come on! - [CHUCKLES] Whoo! Got him! What's that, three years in a row? How did I do it? I wore the wrong boots.
They're too tight.
I can't run in 'em, okay?! God damn it! Well, Errol, how 'bout you? How's the, uh, night-vision thing? Was that a big help? You know what, dude? You're being a real bully, okay? - Come on.
- Yeah, you are.
You are.
We're all here having a good time, we all running through the jungle like friends, and then all of a sudden you're acting like a jerk.
- A jerk? - Yeah.
- Is that what I'm being? - Yeah, you're being - a real jerk.
- Really? You think that's fair? You think that your jokes are funny.
- They're not funny.
- I'm not I'm just - [COUGHS] - [INDISTINCT ARGUING] - I found it! - Hold on.
H-Hold on.
This guy's trying to say something.
- What is it? - [WEAKLY] Go to hell.
Okay, see, this is exactly why we call you "Mumbles.
" You have to enunciate.
[COUGHS, SPITS] - Uh - Oh.
- [LAUGHING] - Ew! Gross! That is gross.
Have some class.
One day someone's gonna land on this island and they're not gonna play your games.
No.
They'll be smart and brave, and they'll kill you.
Oh, yeah? And who might that be? [SCREAMING] Seriously?! Can we not catch one break?! So, what? There could be land mines anywhere? We don't know that.
It could've been just one just one rogue land mine washed up on the shore [ALL SCREAMING] Maybe it was just the two.
[SCREAMING] Okay! Everybody, stay where you are! We need to come up with a plan to get off this beach.
Well, I don't have one.
I was just Okay, well, it just sounded like you had a plan.
Yeah, I just thought you'd have some blowhard plan by now.
I have a couple of seeds.
I'm just kind of They're not really I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.
All right, I think it's pretty obvious what needs to happen.
Someone needs to walk off the beach.
And if, knock on wood, that person makes it out alive, we use their footprints to escape.
But who goes? Listen there are only nine of us left.
The person with the least value should go.
Now, Jess, you're great for morale.
I think you're an absolute delight.
Aww.
Karen.
But physically, you're a goddamn liability.
- You have virtually no upper-body strength.
- What? - That's rough.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No one makes my wife - walk through a bunch of land mines.
- Thanks, babe.
You got it, babe.
Now, if we're gonna choose, we're gonna choose fairly and humanely.
All right.
Nose goes.
- Oh! - Oh! PACK: Oh, it's Steve! Steve's got to go.
Fair is fair.
Someone tell Steve he's got to walk off the beach, probably blow up.
Florence? What? Steve? Hey, Steve! Whattya got there, bud? Luther's hand! Oh.
Oh, no.
I figured if if I can collect enough of him, uh, we can fix him.
There's a lot they can do these days.
They cloned that sheep.
So that'll probably work.
Or there's that Jonathan Depp movie where they uploaded his brain into a Macintosh.
Oh, my God.
You guys, he c he can't go.
- Look how sad he is.
- Hey! Old man Steve! We all played Nose goes and we won and you lost! You got to walk your ass off the beach so we can see if you blow up, okay?! - What?! - Yeah.
- No! - You lost the game, though.
- You kind of have to.
- We played Nose goes.
[ALL SHOUTING] Okay, I have a plan.
We do nothing.
What? Somebody buried these land mines, right? Someone is here.
And that means that somebody heard whoever that guy was explode, and that means that they will come to us.
But if no one comes, huh? What are we supposed to do here, just starve? It may not look like much, but this body takes some serious cals to maintain, and Daddy's already pretty hungry.
Well, would Daddy rather be pretty hungry, or would Daddy like to see someone else blown into a fine mist? Huh? Which one? A hungry daddy.
Okay.
So then we wait.
We wait.
[SCREAMS] - I've got you! - Aah! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, UTENSILS CLINKING] Now, before everyone digs in, just remember, we have to ration this food.
We don't know when it is that we'll eat again.
- I'm kidding! - [LAUGHTER] I'm kidding! We're not on the island anymore.
We're obviously in the future some of us have mustaches.
Ah! Yeah! Uh, Daniel Jr.
! Other Daniel Jr.
! Come here.
All right.
Did I ever tell you boys about the time that your Uncle Danny saved us from exploding? Hmm? There we were, trapped on a beach that was filled with land mines, and no one knew what to do.
But then your Uncle Danny He just stood up, and he walked off that beach.
- And he saved us.
- Mm-hmm.
And do you know how he did it? Hmm? He believed.
Go wake your uncle up.
Wake him up.
Wake him up.
Get up! Owen.
Owen, wake up.
Hmm.
I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid anymore.
What? Hey, do you guys mind speaking up?! I can't hear anything! They were so beautiful.
Who? Your boys.
The Daniels.
What are you talking about? [SCOPE CLICKS] Hey! Hey!! Come back here, you you weird bush! Y-You blew up my best friend! You're not fooling anyone, you bush! We're not gonna die, not here.
We just have to believe.
Oh, Danny! Hey! Wait! - No! Oh.
- Danny! Danny! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] [CLICK] Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! I stepped on a land mine! [SOBS] Idiot! I don't want to die! I don't want to die! I don't want to die! You! You! This is your fault! You lied to me right through your stupid mustache! - What did you say to him? - I didn't say anything.
[DANNY GROANS] Uh, guys, Steve is walking right towards us.
[ALL SHOUTING] - I saw someone in the jungle.
- What? He ran off, but whoever it was, he put these land mines down.
He killed Luther.
- And I'm going after him.
- What? - [ALL SHOUTING] - Oh, please stop walking! Sorry.
Can I just I'm gonna have to Can I just [GRUNTING] Thank you.
What do we do now? Find whoever the hell Steve saw.
If someone else is here, maybe they can help Danny.
Okay, you guys, go after Steve.
We'll wait here with Danny.
Single file! Single file, you guys! - the steps.
- Watch the Yeah, you really bungled that one.
All right, you're good.
You'll make it.
We love you, Danny.
Bye.
If things get hairy, Danny might want to take his own life.
Here.
- A switchblade.
- Yeah, big time.
- Thank you, Chet.
- No, no.
Thank you.
They'll find help, right? Steve's got this.
Yeah, yeah.
Steve's totally got this.
We're gonna have to save Danny ourselves, - aren't we? - Yeah, I think so.
We will.
Yeah.
For sure.
Easy.
Just keep your foot on that trigger.
We're gonna get you off this thing.
I just got to think.
I got to Think, Owen, think! Danny, why would you just walk out here like that? It was stupid.
I had a vision, all right? We were in the future, all of us.
We were at this beautiful dinner.
Owen's kids were there, and and and a-and he told them that I saved us.
Aww.
You saw our kids? - Owen's kids.
- What's that, now? They were Owen's kids with his wife, Gwen.
She's real, real pretty.
Did she look like me at all? Let me think.
No.
- [SPANDAU BALLET'S "TRUE" PLAYS] - She was glowing almost like she was pregnant, but she wasn't.
What? Where was I? Oh, you were there.
You were sitting by the dessert table, glaring at everybody, holding a mug of wine.
[SCOFFS] Well, was I with anyone? Uh, kind of.
I think his name was "Dirty Craig.
" Or at least that's what people called him.
My husband's name was "Dirty Craig"? [LAUGHS] Dirty Craig is not the marryin' type.
Dirty Craig is a dog.
They don't call him "Clean Craig.
" - [LAUGHS] - Okay, I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Here's what we're gonna do We are gonna dig a hole around the land mine, right? Then we're gonna lift the mine up, and we're gonna wrap something really tight around Danny's shoe and the mine, keeping the trigger down, okay? Then Danny will very slowly remove his foot from the shoe, leaving a land mine boot.
We'll take that thing, throw it away Boom! Danny's saved.
What do you think? - No.
Oh, my God, - Are you mad at me? - no.
- Do you want me to die? Okay, do you guys have any ideas? Listen, I've seen every action movie ever made.
There's only one way to deal with a bomb situation.
We got to defuse it.
[SNIFFS] KAREN: Steve, I don't see any evidence of Shh! He came through here.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] He was running.
Panicked.
Frantic.
He tripped right into this bush.
He laid here, terrified of the one man on this island that was capable of killing him "Steve.
" Steve.
That's when he shit his bush pants.
His what? - Bush pants.
- What are "bush pants"? Imagine a pair of pants, and then imagine two bushes.
Now, get rid of the pants from your memory, reposition those bushes where your pants would be, so he's wearing two two bushes.
Bush pants.
I thought you said he was wearing a suit.
A bush suit! Yeah! Made out of twigs and bushes! Nature! Nature wear! Jesus, just keep up with me! Come on.
Are we sure Steve actually saw someone? - No.
No, we are not.
- Okay.
Uh, you guys go ahead.
I'll catch up.
I gotta pee with my penis.
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHS] [LAUGHING] You're stupid assholes.
Okay.
Now there's always some type of access panel on the side.
Do you see a panel? Um yeah, actually.
I take it it's fastened with, what, four screws, all flathead, one in each corner? Yeah.
That's exactly right.
How many action movies have you seen? All of them.
Now, we need to something to unscrew it with.
I'll do it.
Easy.
I got it.
Easy.
I got it! Sorry I've got these sweaty little sausage fingers and not delicate fairy hands like Gwen.
Who? Gwen! You wife? From Danny's dream? That's a dream.
I don't even know a Gwen.
You know her well enough to put two kids in her, okay? Is this really a conversation that we're having? - Yeah, it is.
- I don't even know what you're talking about.
- It hurt my feelings.
- Guys, guys.
I'm standing on a bomb.
- Sorry.
Okay.
Go ahead.
- Sorry.
All right.
Now, once you get that panel off, you're gonna see three wires red, blue, and green.
You're gonna want to cut the red wire.
Always cut the red wire.
Got it? We're closing in.
Oh, my God.
Again? TODD: Enough! Steve, we've been out here for hours.
What are you doing? I'm tracking.
No, you're not.
You're licking sticks.
Dude, face it there's no one out here.
I know what I saw.
I saw a man, and that man was a bush.
Oh, it must have been me, 'cause, here, look, I'm in a bush.
[MOCKINGLY] Oh, ho, I'm the guy that Steve saw.
KAREN: If we want to help Danny, the best way to find someone is to get to high ground.
I got to agree with Karen on this one.
Okay, priority one is Danny.
Look, guys, if we're not looking out for each other, if we're not helping one another, then what are we even doing, you know? Did you just eat something? What? Did I Did I eat something? Really? You think that I got food and just wouldn't bring it back and share it with you guys? Wow.
You know what, Karen? Go [BLEEP] yourself for thinking I would ever turn my back on my best friends! You've got berry stains all over your mouth.
There just wasn't enough to share, okay, you guys? - [ALL GROANING] - You shit.
- Are you kidding me? - You guys should be thanking me, okay, 'cause these berries are making me feel very weird.
I mean, my hands are all sweaty, and my entire body's getting chills Enough! This is the waste of time.
The Bush Man's getting away.
- There's no one out here! - [RUSTLING] [HUSHED] There's someone here.
[HUSHED] I told you so, you flabby piece of shit.
- [HUSHED] Shut up, you Kiwi turd.
- Shh! [GROWLS] Okay, well, are there any other shades of red like a "fire truck" or a "merlot"? No, dude.
They're all the same color red, - and there's like a hundred of them.
- Okay.
Okay.
Pick one.
- What? - What? No way.
Just pick a wire and cut it.
I'm not gonna randomly just pick a wire.
Pick a wire! Do it! Pick a wire right now, Owen! Get in there! Okay, fine! I'll just pick one.
- And if your leg blows up - Why are we all yelling?! - Just pick a wire! Come on! Do it! Now! - I'll pick a wire! [LAUGHS] Oh! Yes! Yes! - It worked! - We did it! Oh! [LAUGHS] [MINE BEEPING] - Oh.
Hey.
- Why is it beeping? You two get out of here.
Go! No.
We're not gonna leave you here, man.
Just go! Don't you get it? - I never liked you.
- What? You're a nerd, a dork.
I only hung out with you because I felt bad for you, dweeb.
- Okay, I see what you're doing.
- Oh, do you? Because you're so smart with your flight attendant degree? Did you even finish school, you loser? - Hey, easy! - Okay, sorry.
That got mean.
Listen, I'm not gonna leave you.
[BEEPING CONTINUES] I was so stupid walking up here.
Why did I think I could save everybody? At least you tried.
I mean, I suggested that we literally do nothing.
And now I'm all worked up because I feel like I'm gonna lose you two guys, and then it's just gonna be me and the I mean, let's just be honest freaks.
I just I love you guys.
No.
We're not gonna die here.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about land mine boot.
[GROWLS] Gorillas aren't aggressive, right? Nah.
Nah, nah.
Monkeys are chill like humes.
Okay? We just be calm and they're happy to just be c - [SNARLS] - [ALL SHOUTING] Into the trees! [ALL SHOUTING] PACK: I'm gonna get eaten! Ah, come on! Help me! - Help me up! - Get up! - Help me! - Oh, God, why is your hand so sweaty? It's the berries! I feel insane! Jump higher! I can't! My legs are jelly! [GROWLS] Oh, shit.
[SCREAMS] [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] [MINE BEEPS RAPIDLY] - What do we do now? - Throw it! [SHOUTS] [SCREAMING] You could have thrown that literally anywhere else.
[SCREAMS, WHIMPERS] I saw his balls.
[GROWLS] Oh, God.
This is all my fault.
Maybe I just wanted to see someone to make sense of Luther's death.
You knew the guy for six hours.
Why do you even care?! 'Cause you guys just tolerate me, all right? Luther he actually liked me.
[SIGHS] No.
Steve, we like you, okay? You're one of us.
Really? Yeah.
What do you like about me? - Oh, my God.
- Uh your hair.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, that's a good one.
Todd? You're funny, I guess.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
I'm pretty funny.
What about you, Karen? Easy.
You got an ass that won't quit.
[GORILLA GROWLS] Oh, God.
It's coming right at me! [GROWLS] I can fix this! Oh, my God.
Hey! Take a chomp on this perfect ass! - [SNARLS] - [SCREAMS] [GUNSHOT] Hello, there.