Xena: Warrior Princess s02e11 Episode Script

Mmm-- feel the sun on our face; smell the air.
You know-- if Salmoneus had to send for us, he could have picked a worse place than this to meet.
Yeah, it’s nice.
It wasn’t always like this.
See that wreck up on the rocks? It looks like the remains of a warship.
One of dozens that attacked this beach in a battle so bloody, the sand was soaked red.
Thanks for sharing.
When was it? Uh-- it’s been almost a year, now, since the peace was signed.
Ah-- that’s plenty of time for things to return to being safe and normal.
Are you all right? Uh, yeah, I think so.
Where did this come from? The same place as that one.
They’re so deep.
Hey, look! Hah! Clams! Oh, yes.
There’s lots of ‘em, too.
I know what I’m having for dinner.
What do you think made these ruts? Only one thing I know makes tracks that deep a fully-armed war wagon.
A war wagon? What would it be doing here? I thought you said it was peaceful.
Come back, girls! How ‘bout a little kiss? What’s your hurry? Grab her! Hey, get away from those girls! And stay away! It’s ruined! Is everybody OK? Yes.
’Cause frankly I was worried.
These costumes were not designed to take this kind of abuse.
Costumes? Just wait till I tell my sponsor.
Don’t forget to tell him who saved you a man of surprising courage; deceptive strength; and ingenious skill; and is not above accepting financial remuneration! Thanks for nothing! Hm-hmm.
Xena! I was just talking about you sort of.
Beauty contest? You sent urgent word for us to come and see some underdressed, over-developed bimbos in a beauty contest? Pageant-- it’s called a pageant.
Contest, pageant.
It’s a feeble excuse for men to exploit and degrade women.
Wrong as usual, Miss Sunshine.
Since when do we ever need an excuse? Besides,it’s more like combat than contest.
And it had such potential-- when Lord Claron proposed it as a way to celebrate a year of peace! Merchandizing, local franchises, off-runway betting-- Wake me when you get to the urgent part.
Hah? Remember the leaders who, ah, wrote that treaty here about a year ago? The Doge of Messini, the Regent of Skyros, and the Palatine of Parnassus? Well spoken.
See, they each entered their girlfriends in the pageant, and since then, we’ve had nothing but trouble-- Wrecked costumes, ripped props, and now this business on the beach! Sounds like someone’s trying to wage a war by proxy.
That would explain all the war wagon tracks.
And that’s why I sent urgent word.
If you don’t help to keep things on the level, each leader is going blame the other, and soon, we’re all buying headstones.
Yeah, probably from you.
Now, why don’t you just cancel the pageant? Lord Claron’s tried that! Each of these guys is so invested in winning, nobody wants to quit first! The way I see it-- What we need, see-- is a contestant to keep an eye on things-- from the inside.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don’t even look at me.
Now you know how I feel about these women being victimized by meat markets.
She’s right.
But war makes everyone a victim so-- meet Miss Amphipolis.
In a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena, a mighty princess, forged in the heat of battle.
the power the passion the danger Her courage will change the world Now, remember-- if anybody asks, you’re Miss Amphipolis, and you’re her sponsor, the Marquesa-- huh! What? What about the contest itself? Here’s the deal.
Each girl competes in three events to win.
Miss one event, whatever the reason, you’re out of the pageant.
You can’t get back in.
One miss, you’re gone-- Understand? Excuse me.
Watch it, clod-- or, can’t you see from up there? Excuse, me.
Miss Messini? Sorry to interrupt.
I want to introduce you to our newest contestant, Miss Amphipolis, and her sponsor, the Marquesa.
Ladies, this is Miss Messini, sponsored by the Doge of Messini.
Hello.
It’s good to meet you.
Oh, don’t let us keep you from your-- You saved my life.
Did you see that? He saved my life.
Yes, yes, I did, yes.
It was nothing.
Nothing? I wouldn’t call that arrow nothing.
And I don’t think my sponsor will either, once he finds out about it.
Hah! Talk about a close call.
If Miss Messini had been skewered, the Doge would’ve blamed the other two.
I would’ve lost both the peace and my shirt in one fell swoop.
Your concern is so touching.
Look-- as long as we can keep the contest fair, while we find out who’s doing this, we’ll be fine.
OK-- Salmoneus, you find me a disguise, while you get to know the other sponsors.
Got it.
We’ll meet back here after the first event.
Matron of the pageant, coming in.
Oh, there’s no time for modesty.
I’ve got ten more of you wannabes to see before-- Here, what’s this? What? Aren’t you? Yes, I’m sure you are.
What? You’re wearing the robe inside-out.
Oh.
Oh, why the gods waste beauty on girls like you, I’ll never know.
If I had half your looks, I’d rule the world.
Look, I’m sorry about the robe-- I was just so totally thrilled to be here, that-- Oh, save it for the judges-- I’m on a schedule.
That arrow nearly killed her! And why? ‘Cause one of you wants to stop me from winning, that’s why.
It’s an insult! Please-- We don’t know for a fact that anything-- What about me?! My girl was assaulted on the beach by thugs one of you hired to try and stop me from winning! It’s a slur on my honor.
As I said, nothing’s been proven about anyone.
So I-- Will you listen to yourselves? Hissing and moaning, when it’s clear-- my girl is gonna win this one.
Is this a private bash, or can-- any sponsor join? You’re a sponsor? That’s right.
I am called-- the Marquesa.
And from what I just hear, I am a lot better sponsor than any of you.
Your contestant is nearly killed, and it’s you who’s insulted.
Get a life! And yours is attacked, but it’s your disgrace? Give me a break.
And I suppose if yours gets hurt, it’d be about you, too.
Well, all I can say to you three is-- Hmmm! Clear the runway, ‘cause my contestant is going to wipe_ the floor with all of you.
And just who is your contestant? Her name’s Miss Amphipolis.
Oh, her being sponsored by a woman.
I’ll say.
You wouldn’t think a woman would put you through all this, just to win some silly contest.
I just keep focused on the extra food my village will get if I win.
The Palatine promised.
Well-- nobody twisted my arm to be here.
I’m gonna use this thing to get as far away from here as possible.
And all I can say is, Miss Amphipolis better not get in my way.
Thanks for the warning.
I’ll have to keep that in mind.
Do that.
I gotta go.
Too much steam might turn all pruney.
Yeah, me too.
Besides, it’s nearly time for the first event.
Sounds like this pageant means a lot to you, huh? No-- but winning it does.
And you can bet-- I’ll do whatever it takes.
Was it something I said? Hmm.
Xena.
It’s about time, keeping us all waiting! Where is she? She’s not back? No! Ha-ha.
You know-- if she misses this, she’s out of the pageant-- No ifs, ands, or buts.
Gone, finito out! I know that.
So do those warlords.
You should’ve seen the way they acted-- like, this-- this contest was all about them and how great they are.
And I’m telling you, they’ll do anything to win.
That’s unusually perceptive of you.
The question is, which one is it? I wish I knew.
I wish I could stay.
But I’ve got a show to emcee.
If Xena gets back, get her dressed and down to the stage fast.
If she doesn’t stay in to keep this thing on the level, we’re allgoners-- bye-bye! Come on everybody! Give it up for Miss Artifice, huh? Come on, a big hand for Miss Artifice-- come on! Let’s hear it for all our contestants! Yes! And now, it gives me great pleasure to present to you our last contestant, Miss Amphipolis! Xena? Is that really you? Brilliant disguise.
Sorry-- What happened? You were almost disqualified.
Which is exactly what somebody wanted.
Did she tell you that she was locked in the steam room? Someone tried to saute’ you? Yes-- and I think I know who.
Looking for this? Now, I want some straight answers.
Have you got the wrong girl! OK, OK, I was just kidding.
Where’s your sense of humor? Gee, I guess I must have sweated it out.
Is that your idea of funny, too? I was just trying to scare you.
Why’d you want to scare me? Because I knew you knew.
You know, about me.
And I didn’t want you to tell anyone.
But when I came back to unlock the door, you had already gone.
What made you think I’d tell? You really don’t get it, do you? I guess being born a woman, you wouldn’t.
This is a chance to use a part of me most people usually laugh at-- or worse.
The part I usually have to hide-- only here that part works for me-- you see? I think so.
Look-- I don’t expect you to understand.
And I’m sorry I got you steamed.
I just hope you let me quit the pageant in private instead of going public with it.
No way.
May the best person win.
What else can I do? We’ve always been neutral, even during the war.
That’s why there’s no army to call out-- Just some reserves, and I’m using all I’ve got.
Then you’d better draft more, or I’ll be forced to bring in my own men.
If he brings in his men, so do I.
And I.
Will you listen to yourselves.
Now, how do you think the contestants feel under all this pressure? Who cares? As long as mine wins.
I told mine, I don’t care if she wins-- I just don’t want her to lose.
Very understanding.
Why, what’d you tell yours? I do not tell her anything.
We are a team.
I ask.
Yeah, right! One more incident-- I’m bringing in my troops.
That makes two of us.
I’ll send out a call for more volunteers-- Marquesa.
Yes? That asking stuff-- that works for you? Every time.
Hmm.
Remember-- a beauty pageant is like a war.
To win, you’ve gotta be fired with the heat of competition! The power! The passion! The desire to win.
Gabrielle, we’re not here to win.
We’re here to stop a war.
Yeah sure-- but there’s no harm in winning-- right? Follow your moves, keep it warm, and whatever happens, try to stay upright.
OK, let’s hit it! A-one, two, three.
‘Like soft gentle winds that will blow through your hair; Like fire that warms you when no one else cares; Like flowers that bloom from the Earth in the spring; A woman’s a natural thing.
Ow! Watch it! ‘Like flora and fauna that brighten your day; Like water we drink, and the sea where we play; Like dragonflies riding the air on their wings; A woman’s a natural thing.
‘So give thanks and give praise To the gods for their bounty.
And thanks to Athena From city and county.
But most of all honor the goddess, Demeter, With flowers and songs and with crops that will feed her.
To her we will lift up our cups as we say-ay-- A woman’s a natural thing-- yeah!’ OK, take five.
I’ll work with you slowly in small groups.
You move very well.
Thanks.
You look familiar.
Have we met before? I’m sure I would’ve remembered.
Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
I’m the Palatine of Parnassus.
Miss Amphipolis.
You keep your greasy lips off my arm-- and apologize.
I’m sorry.
Not to me-- to her.
We’re not done, you and me-- not by a long shot.
Next, we have Miss Skyros.
As cool as the marble her country is known for, Miss Skyros’ hobbies include music, exotic dancing, and sacrificing to the gods.
Her favorite deity-- Aphrodite! Let’s hear it for Miss Skyros,everybody.
Next up, we have Miss Amphipolis.
A country girl at heart, she enjoys the simple things in life-- weaving tapestries, making candles, and doing volunteer work with her local Hestian virgins.
Put ‘em together for the phenomenal Miss Amphipolis.
Wait! That woman! She’s not a contestant! That’s Xena, Warrior Princess! She’s a hired mercenary! It’s a breech of the peace! This means war! Arrest her! Arrest the Warrior Princess! Right.
Take her away.
Honey, I’m no princess-- I’m a Queen.
Actually, folks, this lanky beauty is our last contestant, Miss Artifice, whose hobbies include archery, horse-breeding, and knowing the complete score to every musical ever written.
Put ‘em together for Miss Artifice, everybody.
Thank you.
People, people-- Please, please.
I have the preliminary decision right here.
Ladies, when I read out your names, will you please step forward.
Here they are.
The five semi-finalists for the crown of Miss Known World: Miss Messini.
Miss Skyros.
Miss Parnassus.
Miss Artifice.
And last, but not least-- Miss Amphipolis.
Yes! Brilliant! You go girl! Miss A all the way! There they are-- the five semifinalists for the title of Miss Known World! Yes! Yes, come on, yes! I’m happy for you.
How did you-- Why? I guess we both got our secrets.
Thanks for keeping mine.
Now, don’t forget to come back for our final round-- the talent competition.
I don’t understand why you won’t sing.
You would be a shoe-in if you did.
Gabrielle, I’ve told you before-- I sing when I’m moved-- when there’s something behind it.
It’s not about performance.
As a bard and a fellow creative artist, I can understand that.
Which, just leaves us one question-- What _can_ you do? I don’t know.
Finding out who’s sabotaging things would be a great start.
Next time they strike, someone could get killed.
Yeah-- you.
Whoever is doing this wants to get to those warlord beauties.
And how better to do it, than to just, you know, you! You just gave me a great idea.
About how to catch whoever’s doing this? No-- about what to do for my talent.
What are you doing here? That is, I thought you’d be rehearsing for the talent event.
And aren’t you supposed to be at the meeting? What meeting? I was made to look like a fool! A fairly simple task.
Oho! You should talk.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, please-- This is not solving the problem.
He is right-- this stunt Miss Artifice pulled only show how on edge things are.
It was a joke, for Zeus’ sake.
It is nothing to call the troops in for.
Maybe not-- but, what about everything else our girls have been through? At least, most of our girls.
Can I help it if mine’s lucky.
I’m beginning to think maybe you can.
Yeah-- funny how nothing’s happened to your contestant--yet.
She gets so much as a hang-nail-- I won’t wait for the judges.
I’ll make my own declaration-- and it’ll be war.
Well, that goes double for me.
I’m gonna go and beef up stage security.
Look what you do! Me? Yes-- frightening Miss Skyros like this.
What is it with you three? Always threats, ultimatums.
You are here to celebrate the peace and work together.
Now, just shut up and do it! This is sabotage! Gabrielle, it’s just a bad dress.
Bad dress-- Xena, chiffon is bad, chartreuse is bad, but this is a disaster.
You will be eliminated halfway down the catwalk.
Calm down! Look-- if it really bothers you, I’ll fix it.
It’s-- getting better.
You’re pretty good with a knife-- for a contestant, that is.
Well-- I have many skills.
Well-- it’s not Sophocles, but it’ll have to do.
Miss Messini? What happened? Nothing, I’m fine.
Really, just a little something in my eye.
That’s all.
Oh-- I guess we’re all kind of keyed up, you know? Wondering about who’s gonna win the pageant and all, huh? No-- I think it’s a crock.
You do? We all do-- except for you.
But then, you’re not from around here.
You can’t know how stupid something like this seems, when you’ve been through a war where it was a fight just to survive.
Well, if that’s how you all feel, then why are you here? Different reasons-- Miss Parnassus made a deal.
If she wins, the Palatine will give her village extra food for this coming winter.
Or Miss Skyros-- the war was so terrible-- and the memories.
She wants to get away, so she’s using this pageant to do it.
And you? Why’d you enter? I didn’t.
My boyf-- my sponsor entered me.
I guess I could’ve said no-- but it just seemed to mean so much to him that I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
What about your feelings-- Don’t they count? They never have before.
I mean, he loves me-- but he’s so hung up on the way I look, you know? That it’s hard for him to see past that to the person underneath.
But, then I guess a lot of people make that mistake-- don’t you? I know they do-- but you can change that.
Tell him how you feel.
You’re entitled.
You think so? I know so-- So should you.
What am I doing in there? Don’t know.
I can’t see any-- Well-- good luck.
I make my own luck.
Then you don’t need a pageant to change it, do you? There you are.
They’ve pushed up the talent event.
It’s already started.
Come on.
Yes! Thank you, Miss Messini, for that lovely rendition of-- whatever that song you just played was.
Miss Messini, everybody! And now, Miss Artifice! Any trouble so far? Nothing a hook wouldn’t solve.
If you mean danger, not yet.
Maybe we scared off the people who were trying to get the girls.
Maybe but my fear is, they’ll switch to targeting warlords.
Wait! Now! We have an act that’s sure to be a real charmer Miss Skyros! Why the rush on this event? Don’t ask me-- Ask him.
He’s the one who ordered it.
Thank you.
Ta-da! Ta-da! What does she think she’s doing, huh? She certainly picked a fine time to go touring around the castle.
Doesn’t she know it’s dangerous out there? She’ll be fine.
Now, the good news is that she’s a cinch to win, and then this is over, and we’re home free.
Yeah-- unless something happens to her.
Then we’re not so home free.
No one else knows she’s at the castle it’s perfectly safe.
Now, just don’t worry.
Miss Amphipolis.
I’m Lord Claron.
Oh.
Congratulations.
I’d stake my life that the judges will choose you as the winner.
Well, that’s very kind of you to say.
Not at all.
In fact-- kindness has nothying to do with it.
I said that I’d stake my life, where in fact I’m staking yours.
What are you doing? You wouldn’t understand.
You weren’t here for the war, when our neutrality made this country rich.
You made a profit out of death and suffering? Let’s just say we filled a need.
And then the peace came and the good times were gone.
That’s why we need another war to bring back the prosperity.
And that’s why you have to die.
So you’re the one who’s sabotaging this pageant? Can you think of a better way to get these fools to fight again without arousing suspicion? As a matter of fact, I can’t.
But, why don’t we ask the fools themselves? But, how did you--? -- know it was you? Only the guy who rigged it could have looked up at that beam.
And as for the security you were adding well, there wasn’t a guard in sight.
You surprise me I had no idea that a beauty contestant could be more than the sum of her well-assembled parts.
Neither did I.
Hmm.
Now, be smart and maybe I won’t have to-- disassemble you, hmm? Trust me you don’t wanna make me angry.
Oh-- on the contrary I’m looking forward to it.
OK.
Are we having fun yet? Oops! Don’t hate me ‘cause I’m beautiful.
Xena! Xena!Xena!Xena! Uh,I mean Miss Amphipolis.
It’s all right,Gabrielle I think we all know who’s who now.
Not quite the judges have voted and they’re ready to crown a winner.
I have here the final results of the first Miss Known World Pageant.
Now, if for any reason, the winner is unable to perform her duties like, she isn’t here! Then the crown will go to the first runner-up, and so on down the line.
Is that understood? Perfectly.
Xena! What have you done with Miss Amphipolis?! She’s withdrawn from the pageant.
What? She told me to say that she’s learned a lot from all of you but it’s time that she moved on.
B-b-b-but-- she can’t! I have the ballot right here! And, uh-- uh-oh! She won! See?! She can’t quit now.
She just did.
Right.
That means the winner will be our first runner-up, and that is-- Wait! I quit, too.
What?! That’s right.
I thought I needed this crown to get away from a lot of bad luck.
It turns out all I need is myself and, maybe someone to remind me of that once in a while.
OK, moving on down the line.
Ah! I see that our winner is-- Wait! Me too-- I quit, too.
What is this, catching? You heard her she wants to quit.
You got a problem with that? No, sir-- uh-uh! Especially because, I think we have a winner right here.
Then think again.
We had a deal! You put yourself before your family, your village? You’ll let them starve? No, I won’t let them starve.
I’ll help them plant, and-- and plow, and harvest, with all my strength, year after year, until we get through this.
But to give away my pride and my dignity, for one winter’s food? Where’s the good in that? She has a point which means that our winner is Miss Artifice! Thank you.
You really saved my assets.
You are something else.
You have no idea.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, on her inaugural walk down our runway, your Miss Known World ‘Stand back, and let her through.
She’s the one girl who’ll do.
A beauty so mythic, Her figure’s terrific.
She’s Miss Known World.
With a face and a form so sublime, She’s a legend within her own time.
So stand back, make way, Let her smile make your day.
She’s Miss Known World.
So, Miss Known World is a man? Yep.
It’s kind of funny, huh? Why? Beauty is beauty.
And peace is peace.
Are you going to write about this? Oh, yes.
I was thinking about calling it, - ‘Queen for a--’ - Gabrielle! What a drag! Gabrielle! OK, OK.
OK, OK.