Years and Years (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 I just don't understand the world any more.
It all made sense up until a few years back.
The left was the left, the right was the right.
America was America.
- Who's she? - I couldn't even point to Syria - Some woman - on a map.
I just kissed the kids goodnight, turned out the lights, looked forward to waking up the next day.
I dread it now, every day.
- Dread.
- I like her.
That man there, at the back.
- Night then, sweetheart.
- Night.
Milk's not good for you, darling.
It's just mucus.
Don't have a go at her.
No, I should do it more often.
Signor, who's Vivienne Rook? Vivienne Alison Rook, born 1964 in Manchester.
Founding member of the JJC Think Tank.
That woman there, in the blue.
What would you say to a Palestinian family on the Gaza Strip, when Israel has reduced the electricity supply to two hours a day? - Two hours!? - Yeah, I know.
I know, but I suppose when it comes to Israel and Palestine I don't give a fuck.
Oh, my God.
What did she just say? - Well, now I like her even more.
- She can't say that! Go on, say it again! Who is she?! Stephen's watching.
Danny's seen it.
I bet he's written a letter of complaint.
Look, number one trending topic "Viv Rook".
In, what, under 20 seconds? I have to apologise to the people at home.
You really can't say that.
But I mean it, I mean it.
- Kiev, Yemen, Qatar.
I simply do not give a No, no, no, no.
If you say that again, I'll have to exclude you.
Well, that's the point, isn't it? We're not allowed to say anything true.
I have had enough.
I have literally had enough.
Lucy's watching, and Javindra.
Nell.
Lynne.
- Viv Rook for Strictly! - Mm.
Just headlines shouting at me.
And all I want is for my bins to be collected once a week, you know? I, I want I want the primary school 200 yards from my house to pick up its own litter and, for the love of God, my mother walks with a stick, could people please just stop parking on the pavements? Could you just stop it?! So, ask me about Israel, ask me about Palestine, ask me and I will tell you I do not give a monkeys.
But I have got you listening now, haven't I? - Oh, my God, she is a monster.
- I think she's brilliant.
- Hello.
Hello, are you all right? - Hiya.
It's me.
Look, don't make a fuss, but can you take Lee? Just get him to bed and give him some toast for breakfast, he'll be fine.
I'm on my way to the hospital.
- I started, I'm early.
- Er, right.
Yeah, but what about Jan? I thought she was helping you.
She was according to the birth plan, but that's for next Monday, she's in London tonight.
And Runi's had a drink so she's useless.
We're on our way to Salford City, can you meet me there and pick him up? Oh, and can you tell Gran? But who are you with, then? I'm being driven by Mr Jayasundera from number six.
Everything's under control.
Sorry! No, no, no.
I mean, but who's going to be with you for the birth? I don't know.
- She's on her own.
- Why's she on her own? I don't know.
But will you be okay? I'm all right.
It's not my first.
Mum should be with me, really.
Er, er Do you want me to be there? Would you? Er, yeah.
Oh, course I will.
I'm on my way.
Oh, my God, Rosie's gone into hospital.
Oh.
Is that now? I thought she was months away.
But Danny's with her.
He says I've got to tell Gran.
I could go.
I could get a taxi, it's only half an hour.
Oh, don't add to the panic, Gran.
The last thing we need is one of your little adventures.
Danny says she's having an ultrasound for the epidural, so everything's fine.
Your mother would be there.
I know, but Yeah, but there's nothing we can do about that.
It's a bit odd for Daniel, childbirth with his own sister.
If he wasn't gay before, he will be now.
Well, that's gynaephobic.
What was that? Celeste says hello.
Mm.
Well, let me know the news.
Any time.
Even if it's 4am.
I will but don't stay up all night.
Promise me, no adventures.
You talk to me like I'm a child.
If you go to bed now, get up at 5am, drive to Manchester, you could be at your gran's by eight o'clock.
But I've got Lou Havins coming round in the morning about that trust.
Cancel him.
E-mail him now, go on.
Family emergency.
You should be with your gran, the old goat.
Don't ever tell her I was nice.
This is BBC Radio 4.
Good morning.
a 5-year study into the causes of inequality in the UK which, they say, is a threat to democracy.
Theresa May's Brexit negotiator is going to Brussels for talks on the document that sets out the UK's future relations with the EU.
Doris Day appears on most of the front pages following her death yesterday at the age of 97.
He's so Chinese.
Oh, my God, I was waiting for you to say it first.
He is, isn't he? I was wondering how Chinese he was going to be but he is, like, 100%.
Tiny little version of Gau.
Well, you'll have to tell him.
I know, I'll call him later.
What about Dad? None of his business.
Do you want me to phone him? If I want to tell anyone, I want to tell Mum and I can't, so Dad can just piss off.
Don't you tell him, okay? - Have you got that? - Okay, okay.
All right.
I won't.
So, have you thought of a name? Lincoln.
I don't believe it, she's calling him Lincoln.
Like Abraham Lincoln? What is he, a Chinese Abraham Lincoln? You're saying Lincoln, Lincoln Lyons.
She's calling him Lincoln.
I know.
I got an e-mail from Danny.
I warn you, he'll get called Lin.
Gran says he'll get called Lin.
So? Tell her that's a boy's name too.
There's nothing wrong with it.
I just wonder where she got it from.
Maybe she had sex in Lincoln.
Oi, that's enough of that.
Ruby says maybe she had sex in Lincoln.
Er, tell Ruby to stop being so rude.
All right, I'd better go.
I'll see you tonight.
Congratulations, again.
Great grandmother.
I am great, don't you forget it.
Come on, let's go and see the little swine.
Mr Lincoln Lyons.
You've got a new cousin.
Auntie Rosie had a little boy called Lincoln, like Lincoln Green.
Signor, give me the origin of Lincoln as a boy's first name.
Lincoln as a boy's first name is from the Latin meaning lithe.
What does lithe mean? Erm, kind of thin.
Is it thin or slight? More like slim.
Signor, what does lithe mean? Lithe, adjective meaning pliant, limber, supple, flexible.
Thank you.
Hello, hello, hello.
- Aw, he's fast asleep.
- Good boy.
Oh, little Lincoln.
I keep thinking about your mum.
I know.
But don't set me off again.
Has anyone told Edith? I left her a message.
She never replies.
God knows where she is.
Indonesia, last I heard.
They imprison children, she says.
Apparently, if you haven't got a birth certificate, they determine your age by x-raying your wrist and then if your X-ray says you're 16, you're 16 even if you're 12.
So, off goes Edith into battle.
Just like her mother.
No, Mum liked a hot bath and proper towels.
Edith lives like a hippy.
Come on, then, they said two to a bed.
I'll take Lee to McDonald's.
- How do you fancy that, yeah? - Yeah! - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Can I say goodbye? Yeah.
Oh, careful.
Oh, looking a bit broody there.
No chance.
No way.
Ah, you'd be great, you and Ralph.
Don't know if I could have a kid in a world like this.
- Oh, that's happy, thanks.
- Really, though.
It's It is like that Rook woman said, things were OK a few years ago, before 2008.
Do you remember back then? We used to think politics was boring.
Those were the days.
But now, I worry about everything.
I don't know what to worry about first.
Never mind the government, it's the sodding banks.
They terrify me and it's not even them, it's the companies, the brands, the corporations.
They treat us like algorithms, while they go around poisoning the air and the temperature and the rain, and don't even start me on Isis.
Well, now we've got America.
Never thought I'd be scared of America in a million years, but we've got fake news and false facts and I don't even know what's true any more.
What sort of world are we in? Cos if it's this bad now, what's it going to be like for you, huh? 30 years' time, 10 years, 5 years? What's it going to be like? Happy birthday, dear Lincoln Happy birthday to you! And the world awakes to a second term for President Donald Trump.
The President you get, you deserve.
Okay, right, so don't laugh, but will you marry me? Oh, my God, you're hilarious, Dan.
But will you though? - Yes! - Yeah? And China has named the new island Hong Sha Dao, which means the Island of the Red Sands.
The date of the general election has been announced.
as Thursday, May 5th.
I will be standing, yes.
It's about time, but I'll be standing as an independent candidate.
I, Daniel Samuel Lyons, take you, Ralph Joseph Cousins, to be my legally wedded husband.
- Woohoo! - Arriba, arriba, arriba! Long live the King! Long live the King! Long live the King! Happy birthday to you! Vivienne Alison Rook 3,576.
Archibald Goolding is duly elected as Member of Parliament for this constituency.
I'll be back.
You watch me.
I'll be back.
The Ukrainian Army has taken control of the government.
They have invited the Soviet Army into Kiev to maintain stability.
Happy birthday, dear Gran Happy birthday to you! We should do this every year on my birthday.
- It's a new tradition.
- It's freezing.
Let's call it the Winter Feast.
And with Germany still in mourning after the death of Angela Merkel - Oh, good riddance.
- What? Well, you know, I don't want to be rude, but the world just got a whole lot prettier.
You've got a great future in politics.
Why is she even on? She's not anyone.
- She's no-one.
- Oh, lighten up! I'll take it as a compliment, anyway.
And here's to absent friends, to our dearly beloved sister, out there on the oceans deep.
- Here's to Edith.
- To Edith! Yeah! And there's a large crowd of protesters gathering in Dover this morning, as it's been announced that so far in 2024, more Ukrainian refugees have entered the UK than in the whole of the previous year.
Current estimates suggest that a further 10,000 refugees will be arriving before the end of the month.
Pass me the soap.
What are you doing that for? I just had a shit downstairs.
You always tell me off when I run the tap, so Hey, have you got shitty hands?! I haven't got actual shit on my hands, no.
Don't.
Get off.
Stop it! All right.
I'm done.
- That's disgusting.
- It was your rule.
Morning.
Oh, you look nice.
Hello, Clyde.
Stephen, I left that thing on the shelf.
- Don't forget, it needs to go today.
- Yep.
Tell me, Clyde, are you living here now? Mum says thank you very much.
That's every day this week, I'll send her a bill.
- Morning.
- Hello, Mummy.
- And how's Bethany doing under there? - She's fine! Hm.
Well, it would be nice to see her one day.
Give her my love.
Signor, remind Edith it's Gran's birthday on the second.
Reminder to Edith Lyons sent.
God, the Winter Feast.
Do we really have to go? Don't be daft, we'll have a nice time.
Plus it means we don't have to see them at Christmas.
OK, nobody can use the Vision tonight cos me and Clyde have booked it, we've got upstairs from seven till ten, - have you got that? - Clyde and I.
It's the worldwide premier of Guardians 4 so you can't interrupt, not for anything.
No, Chris Pratt is such a hot daddy.
He could have me any day.
- Bye! - 13 years old.
Bethany says she's booked us for Saturday.
Are you free? Bethany, sweetheart, you don't need to make an appointment with me.
I'm here, right in front of you.
I'm sorry, Mummy.
Seriously though, I mean, I might have to start limiting filter time.
Just talk to me properly.
- Sorry, pretty Mummy.
- Do you want me to take that off you? - Don't, no, it's all right.
- No, it's not.
It's not all right.
Beth, I'm here, in front of you.
If you want to talk to us, you don't need to make an appointment.
Why don't you turn off that filter, so we can see you properly? Sorry.
For God's sakes.
I think if Beth wants to see us then Saturday makes sense because you won't be rushing off and Ruby's at her sex-fighting class, so the three of us can sit down together and have a nice long chat, - isn't that right, Beth? - Oh, I like how that became my fault.
Rushing off.
But, yes, OK, fine.
Saturday.
Yaaaay! Fank-oo! Fank-oo! You not got your car? Oh, I was in Rusholme last night, it was all sealed off with that bomb factory.
- I've got to go and get it.
- Well, I can take you in.
It's about time we said hello.
It's Daniel, from number 17.
I'm Fran.
- Fran Baxter.
- Hi.
Thank you.
So, what brought you up here, then? Oh, I gave up on London in the end.
I tried my best, but it finally beat me.
- Why, too expensive? - £12 for a coffee.
And those areas getting fenced off, like you can only enter Kensington if you're means tested.
I thought, I've had enough.
I can do my job anywhere.
- Which is what, what do you do? - I'm a story teller.
Oh, right, good.
Yeah.
- What's that? - I tell stories for a living.
I go into schools and businesses.
I teach master classes.
The shape of stories and the need for them.
- You think it's ridiculous, don't you? - Uh, no.
No, not at all.
It's a real thing, though.
It's worldwide.
- I've done a TED talk.
- Oh, God.
Wow.
Well, TEDx, but it's amazing in schools.
Kids love it.
Like, stories help them to make sense of the world.
Is your sister Edith Lyons? Yes, yes, she is.
Yeah.
You'd get on well with her, she'd love you.
Why, how do you know? Who said? Mike at number 12 told me.
I think she's amazing.
I've read all of her books.
Er, well, they're not exactly books, they're more like essays that never end.
No, but, yeah, and you know I haven't seen her for years.
She didn't even come home when our mum died.
She's in Lagos now, causing trouble.
Hm.
And you work for the council, yeah? Yeah, I'm just a housing officer.
I know.
Boring.
I'm dealing with all these refugees.
They're flooding in from Ukraine.
500 in the past month, housing doesn't cover it, we've had to build them a little town.
No.
No! No, no, cars on site.
Read the signs.
Parking's at Denholm Fields.
Well, I don't know where that is.
I'm Debbie Green.
They sent me from Blackpool.
I'm with the exchange.
OK.
Well, just go back to the road, turn right, follow the parking signs and then come back and find me, Daniel Lyons, and I can show you what's what.
Thanks, Danny.
Daniel.
So, they arrive here and they're sent through there to Divestiture.
That's where they abandon all their belongings, except clothes and essentials, because you would not believe what they try to bring in, chairs and heirlooms, pets.
We keep saying, "They're not homes, they're emergency housing.
" - How many on site? - 60 so far, but expanding to 200 by the end of the week.
Yeah, so what's the plan with Blackpool? - Are you building one of these? - Oh, God, no.
- I'm trying to stop them.
- What do you mean? Oh, we don't want this.
It's a bloody nightmare.
- I voted Leave.
- Yeah, they're not immigrants.
They're refugees.
There's a difference.
Do you know what the difference is? I think it's one thing taking in starving kids, but not Ukrainians! They've got shops over there, they've got TV, they've got roads.
They've got soldiers on the streets.
Are we at war with Russia? No, not yet.
Then they're not refugees.
They're asylum seekers, and that's a very different apple in the custard.
97% of Ukraine voted for Russian citizenship.
If you can believe that wasn't fixed, and now Russia's got the names of the other 3%, whether that's legal or not, and they're talking about re-housing them but they won't give a definition of what re-housing means, which is terrifying, frankly.
In other words, it's a purge, so these people are refugees which means they're allowed to seek asylum and it's got nothing to do with Europe and we're still part of the United Nations, whether you like it or not.
- Who says apple in the custard? - My mother.
- Then she's a bloody idiot.
- Vijay, get her off site.
- June.
- Yeah? - That's for DP.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
15.
15.
Right.
Er, hi there.
Mr Barabash.
Er, you've applied for a transfer to Dublin because Oh, you've got family there, is that right? Sorry.
- How's your English? - It's good.
OK.
Well, we can't process that until the sanctuary scheme has worked out a border deal with Ireland, and that is a long way off so we can't do anything right now.
- Sorry.
- Good, but, er, I'm not Mr Barabash.
Oh.
- Right.
okay.
Is he around? - No, he's gone.
- Where has he gone? - Dublin.
Er, well, I'm here to tell him he can't.
That bastard.
My name is Viktor.
Viktor Goraya.
Yeah, I should know that, shouldn't I? Er, well, I'm with housing.
Daniel, I'm Yeah, I'm normally more efficient than this, promise.
I thought you'd come to join me.
They said I'd have to share.
I thought, "Wow, I've got lucky.
" Yeah, anyway, I'd better Thanks.
So, how are you settling in? They got me a lawyer, Mrs Vennering.
She prepares my case for asylum.
It'll take months, so thank you for my home.
Oh, well, it's meant to have proper insulation, but the money ran out.
The roof's only made of a light gauge steel, so Sorry, I could talk about containers forever.
My boyfriend, oh, gets sick of it.
Yeah.
So, what does your lawyer say? I mean, what are your chances? Well, they need to prove torture, that I was tortured.
They asked me questions and applied electricity to the soles of my feet.
- I think that's torture.
- Of course it is.
God, that's That's terrible, I'm so sorry.
They demand proof here in the UK, which I understand, but they electrocute because it leaves no marks, so no proof.
You see, there was a tiny scar where the electric goes in.
But not any more.
It fades away.
Does it still hurt? Yeah, but it's okay.
So, what did they ask you? What sort of questions? My friends, their names, addresses, the bars we'd go to.
But I thought - It's legal in Ukraine, isn't it? - No, no, no.
Not with the new Russian laws.
But the point is, the inquisitors were Ukrainian.
They were people who'd been waiting a long time.
That's nice.
I'd better get back to work.
Yeah.
Well, say hello, any time.
Er, yeah, but we're not allowed to.
It's preferential treatment, you know? Anyway, thanks.
Signor, give me Bethany's internet history, past 24 hours.
That account is private.
Germany Lemon Five Parasol.
Unlocked.
Don't.
We promised them.
Signor, give me Bethany's internet history, past 24 hours.
A trans life? Well, there we are.
I said so.
Oh, bless her.
It's okay.
She'll be fine.
He'll be fine.
They'll be fine? Oh, God.
I just want you to know I wuv you, Mummy and Daddy.
I know you do, sweetheart.
And I'm going to ask you to take the filter off.
Will you do that for me? I think I've been uncomfortable a very long time.
- We know.
- Sh, sh.
I've been thinking, ever since I was born, that I don't belong in this body.
- Oh, my God.
- It's all right.
It's really okay, darling.
I've been reading up on it and I think I'm trans.
Oh, sweetheart.
Aw.
Oh, it's all right, darling.
I swear.
It really is.
Ah, look at us, we're fine.
We're completely fine, aren't we? Mm-hm.
And I know we might be a bit slow and a bit old and this is going to be confusing for us and we'll make a mess of it sometimes, but we love you.
Hm? We love you.
We absolutely love you.
We always will.
I mean, we don't need to rush.
We've got lots of time to talk about this.
And, you know, if it turns out that we've got a a lovely son instead of a lovely daughter then, well, we'll be happy.
No, I'm not transsexual.
- Oh.
- Is that not the word now? But you said trans.
What do we call you, then? I'm not transsexual, I'm transhuman.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry, they keep changing the words.
I don't know the difference.
I don't want to change sex.
No, sure.
We say gender now, don't we? I'm sorry.
I said I'm not comfortable with my body, so I want to get rid of it.
This thing, all the arms and legs and every single bit of it.
I don't want to be flesh.
I'm really sorry, but I'm going to escape this thing and become digital.
What do you mean? They say one day soon, they'll have clinics in Switzerland, where you can go and you'll sign a form and they'll take your brain and download it into the cloud.
And your body? Recycled into the Earth.
So, you want to kill yourself? I want to live forever as information, because that's what transhumans are, Mum.
Not male or female better.
Where I'm going there's no life or death, there's only data.
I will be data.
You promised me! You liars! And if you think you're going online, you make a sad mistake.
I'm switching it off! I will go analogue if I have to, so you can't read any more of that shit! Then the old woman clung to her daughter, because she was so afraid.
She said, "My daughter, I can't go home.
"Waiting on the road, out there in the night, "are three terrible creatures.
"There is a tiger, there is a bear and there is a wolf "and they will eat me.
" But the daughter said, "Look, what about the pumpkin?" Cos she still had the pumpkin shell from making the pumpkin soup, and the pumpkin shell was huge.
She said, "Mother, get inside the pumpkin.
" So the old woman did and as she bent over and curled up tight, all the bones in her back went crick! Crack! - Crick! - Crack! - Crrrr-ick! - Crack! Oh, those old bones.
But the old woman got inside, and her daughter sealed up the pumpkin with candle wax and rolled her to the door.
I'd better go home.
Stay.
Sorry.
Two ticks.
It's okay.
- Hiya.
It's Tony, isn't it? - That's right.
I'm Lee's mum, Rosie.
Rosie Lyons.
There's no Mr Lyons, in case you were wondering.
And so she ran off, overnight.
Literally packed her bags and left.
Milly was only four and I had to cope all on my own.
Well, I hope you're not expecting a medal, single dad.
No.
I was just saying.
God, you're hard work.
Yes, I am.
Get used to it.
So who have you got? Lincoln and Lee.
Yep.
His dad's called Gau.
He was nice enough, but he went back home to Beijing when his mum died.
She fell off a roof, it was terrible.
Although, I always knew he'd go back in the end.
He was never going to stay.
And Lee's dad is a man called Terry Malone.
He's living in Slough with a wife and three daughters.
He stays in touch, he sends money.
We first got together at school.
I don't mean childhood sweethearts, it was more of a school disco sort of thing.
So, er, do you work or are these two full-time? God, no.
I've got a job.
I'd go crackers stuck at home with two boys all day.
- What do you do? - I'm a championship wrestler.
What? No, I'm a chef manager, on a job share at the big school.
1,200 pupils.
It's hard work.
So, Mr Tony Watts, now you know everything, you can ask me out.
Oh, right, can I? Yes, you can.
Hurry up! All right, well, erm, well, what do you fancy? Saturday night, does that work? Can you cook? I can cook.
No, you spend all day in a canteen.
I'll cook.
I'll do it.
Well, give me your address, then.
Okay.
Saturday night, eight? Eight o'clock it is.
Here we are, my beanie boys.
I'll make you a bacon sandwich later on.
Beautiful, that'll do me.
Thanks, Mur.
I've been in that back bedroom, Gran.
I can't paint it, it's too damp from the outside.
You're going to need proper work done in there.
Zinc! You just cover it over with zinc paint.
I know, but that's not an option.
This house needs money.
It's held together by cobwebs.
We'll manage.
All will be well.
Don't let me interrupt.
You look very nice in dungarees, Ralph.
Sexy.
Oh, you cheeky thing! You do actually look quite hot in dungarees.
Well, er, we can try 'em at home, hm? - Later.
- Yeah, that'd be nice.
It's about time.
You're the one who works late.
- Oh, forget I said anything.
- Well You're the one who's never off his phone.
- Had to have the last word, didn't you? - Well, it's true.
Did you read that link I sent you? - Er, no, not yet.
- You see? Look, I'm sharing stuff, I'm trying.
- You can join in more.
- Okay, what does it say? It's amazing, like, it's this site that proves that germs don't exist.
- Right.
- Yeah.
That's what it says.
No such thing as germs.
Whole thing, right, faked by the pharmaceutical industry.
Right, well, that's bollocks.
Don't do that, you'll be joining the Flat Earth Society next.
- Now that stuff is fascinating.
- Oh, no way.
- Have you read it? - No, and I never will.
Come on, that's a bit ignorant, don't you think? How's that going to help anyone, not reading something? You're not saying the world is flat, for God's sake, Ralph, you teach children, please don't say the world is flat.
I'm not saying it is, I'm just keeping an open mind.
- It's an option.
- How? How is that an option? We've been to India.
We've travelled halfway across the Earth.
We've seen it.
How do you think the horizon curves? We've seen it from a plane, there's a curve.
That's what a disc would look like.
All right, well, you've got GPS in your car.
Yeah, with a flatscreen.
The G stands for global.
So? Apple computers aren't made from apples, are they? That's not even a thi Look, look, I'm not saying I'm absolutely right, OK? Which means you can't say I'm absolutely wrong.
Except you're never going to stop, are you? God help anyone trying to contradict you, Dan! I swear to God, it's like intelligence is going backwards.
We're in reverse.
If it's not the moon landings or 9/11, it's, I don't know, the Loch Ness Monster! The human race is getting more stupid right in front of our eyes.
I mean, what do you do when your husband is too thick? You can ask Celeste, she's got a few theories about that.
It's driving me mad.
You know, it's not just Ralph, it's it's everywhere.
I know.
It's like we went too far.
We imagined too much.
We sent all those probes into space and we went to the very edge of the solar system, built the Hadron Collider and the internet and we painted all those paintings and we wrote all those great songs and then, pop! Whatever we had, we punctured it.
And now it's all collapsing.
Well, nothing we can do.
Our brains are devolving.
Seriously, though, what if they are? Well, some species don't survive.
Actually, all species don't survive in the end.
How can you say that with kids? Tell me about it.
I've got a daughter who wants to digitise herself and chuck her body away.
I don't know.
Downloading your brain It can't actually be done though, can it? It's not real.
- You're denying everything.
- Oh, God.
What's real? What's not? How do we know? - You okay? - Yeah.
- Are you, though? - It's just work.
Are those Ukrainians driving you mad? It's exactly that.
Yes.
That's exactly what it is.
Ta-da! What do you think? Am I gorgeous? Don't all clap at once, thank you, fans.
Stop faffing about.
Head off, you're going to be late.
Right.
Behave for Lesley, you two.
She's only on three quid an hour.
We've got popcorn and Mike's universal password.
We'll be fine.
And if Mummy has a nice time with her friend and talks too much and falls asleep on his couch, uh, I'll see you in the morning.
- Go Rosie! - Bye-bye.
Woo! Woo! Do you know, there wasn't even a custody battle? - She was too drunk.
- Hm.
You know, I spent £500 on a lawyer and she didn't even turn up? But your little Milly's all right, though, she looks happy enough.
- Yeah, she's amazing.
Full of beans.
- Ah.
I've got to be honest, we're like best mates now, the two of us.
Well, me, her and Keith.
Who's Keith? Oh, my God, there he is! Keith, forward two feet.
He's brilliant! Does he talk? Oh, only simple things.
Hello, Keith.
Hello, Tony.
Freaks me out a bit.
Ah, they keep telling us these things are going to rule the world, all he can do is fetch a can of pop out the fridge.
But she loves him, though.
Milly loves Keith, yes? Keith loves Milly.
And Milly's at your sister's, yeah? You okay? I mean, is there anything I should do or not do? Yeah, just get on with it.
But, have you got a condom? Yeah, don't worry.
I'm fully equipped.
- Oh, what was that? - What? That? It's just a thing.
Yeah, I know it is but what do you do with it? I get lonely, you know.
Oh, my God.
Orifice open.
Honestly, I was only mucking about! Oh, don't now, Rosie.
- Come back to bed.
- You have sex with your robot! Oh, my God! No way! Oh, shut up, it's not funny.
But it's a robot called Keith.
Hello, Tony.
Not now, Keith.
- So, did you stay? - No, I did not.
I said, thank you very much, Tony Watts, and got out.
- Ah.
You could have had Keith instead.
- I bet Keith has got attachments.
- Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't ya? - Well, I'd give it a go.
What was it? - Uh, robot sex thing.
- Ah.
Oh, so, listen, I was thinking, what we get Gran for her birthday? 'Cos I saw it advertised, the Gypsy Kings.
- Do you think? - Are they still going? Oh, they are immortal.
Oh, she's on.
Are we ready? Are we? Ah, hope it works.
The movement known as the Four Start Party intends to field a minimum of 17 MPs at the Have you seen the TV? She's formed her own party, that monster.
We haven't got a TV any more.
My first-ever front page.
What's me mother going to say? We are calling it the Four Star Party, in honour of my little faux pas on live TV all those years ago.
And the censorship that I have faced ever since on the fake news media.
But we are four stars, we are four stars striving to be five.
That's what we represent, ambition, the ambition of the ordinary man and woman.
The people abandoned by the parties of old.
How can she launch a political party? She ain't even an MP.
You don't have to be.
We could launch a party right now, but we don't, cos we can't be arsed.
Labour is dead.
The Tories are dead.
The Liberal Democrats are dead.
And then we complain about people who do.
Well, at least she's trying.
And the Four Start party is bursting with life.
- I'd vote for her.
- Don't you dare! Four Stars! The crisis over Hong Sha Dao continues to worsen Do you understand this thing with China? Is it real? Oh, it's just America going nuts.
You know, their elections get madder and madder.
So, the Gypsy Kings, yeah? Tell you what, if we get two tickets can I have the other one? No.
Tensions are rising in the stand-off between the US and China over the disputed territory of Hong Sha Dao.
President Trump has announced a new round of sanctions and has upped the stakes by tweeting that America will never back down.
We have breakfast tomorrow, then we go first thing.
No Sunday lunch.
Got that, all of you? Oh, here comes the dragon lady.
Prepare for danger.
Stand by.
I'm just trying to listen.
This whole thing's gone a bit mad.
Well, you bring us all this way, now you can deal with her.
Hi! Happy birthday.
Hello.
We did it! We made it! Well, don't make it sound like such an effort.
Not on my behalf.
Aw, you don't look a day over 900.
- Hey, hey, hey! How was it? - Hello.
Hi.
- Fine, good.
No problem.
- Hello.
- Are you putting on weight? - Ha.
I told him that! I married the wrong brother.
Come here! Now, Stephen has been busy.
He's made that cake with the white frosting.
Oooh! And he's made that one with crystallised ginger 'cause everyone liked that.
- Ah, little Susie Homemaker.
- That's me.
And I bought gluten free rolls, Bethany, just for you.
OK, but Uh, she's not gluten free any more.
It's a misdiagnosis.
Turns out it's misdiagnosis for most of the world.
What we thought was gluten intolerance, turns out to be fructose intolerance.
It's this, um, sugar chain thing.
Uh, that's what they're saying, anyway.
Well, I wouldn't know in my little kitchen in Manchester.
Perhaps if you visited me more than once a year, I would know better.
- Hey, I was here two months ago.
- I was talking to your wife.
You little idiot.
But it is an emergency.
We've got four days left of this presidency, four days in which he can do anything he likes.
But America won't back down, and China's made it clear they won't back down.
So what do you think is going to happen? The situation is running out of control.
Here we are.
Bit burnt.
That's all part of the experience.
Now, these ones over here are lamb.
They eat so much meat.
It's like we married Henry the Eighth.
I am freezing.
It's all right for Muriel, her nerve endings died in 1976.
There you go! Birthday feast.
Come on then, Gran.
Let's have the speech.
"I remember when all this was Woolworths.
" Well, I do.
I loved that shop.
I used to buy 45 inch singles there.
That was back in the day, when we still had butterflies.
When did you last see one of those? Although, I'll tell you one thing we didn't have, tsunamis.
What? Don't be daft.
What do you mean? No, we didn't.
We had earthquakes, but that was it.
The tsunami is an entirely modern invention.
I love it.
- Here's to you, Gran.
Everyone.
- Happy birthday, Muriel.
Hey, did I tell you? Dad's moved house.
It looks nice, online.
It's off the main road.
Well, good for him.
And that's an end to it, don't you think? Oh, be fair, though.
He's been with Jacqueline for, what? Decades now.
And she's quite nice.
Maybe we should invite them next year.
I said that's an end to it, and anybody who disagrees is quite welcome to leave and go back to London.
Hey, did you hear? Ruby's been telling us about her porn class.
- What? - No way.
Seriously? You don't actually have a porn class.
No, it's called Sexual Awareness Image And Control.
Well, they get taught pornography from the age of 11.
It's official.
It's compulsory, they need it! Compulsory porn, woo! Love it.
You're on the list.
Category 15.
Middle aged gay male, likely to mock boundaries and force sexual references into my orbit.
- Aye, Danny! - Bang on I'd say.
Congratulations, Dan, you're on the syllabus.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realise you had an "orbit".
Danny! - Hi.
- Oh, no way.
It's Edith.
- Hi, hiya.
- Where are you? - We're all here.
We're in the garden.
- Are you okay, Gran? - You remembered my birthday.
- Have you heard the news? We bought Gran Gypsy King tickets, so you can pay for a quarter.
Yeah, you're missing out.
We're all being categorised.
- Are you all right, darling? - I'm fine, I'm fine.
I think.
I don't know.
I don't I don't know if it matters any more.
- Where are you? - Uh, Vietnam.
On the coast, just down from Ho Chi Minh City.
Oh, all right for some.
We came here to protest, but too late.
It's only just over there, Hong Sha Dao.
Is that on the island thing? For God's sake, Gran, don't you watch the news? I send you a link every day.
Hong Sha Dao is an artificial island.
It's built by the Chinese, population 26,000, but it's more than that.
It's a military base with nuclear weapons.
That's what America says.
It was on the radio this morning.
Why? What's happened? Is that siren with you or us? - It's here.
- Cos it's here as well.
What does it mean? They've They've launched a missile.
- Who has? China? - Uh, America.
They fired a nuclear missile at Hong Sha.
- You're kidding.
- Oh, my God.
He did it, Donald Trump did it in his final days of office.
But we haven't got sirens, have we? Where is that coming from? We don't have sirens, we just, we just don't.
- We're not at war, are we? - Are they firing at us? Of course they aren't.
Yeah, but China and America, if they go to war, we're directly in the middle aren't we? We're not in the middle, we're not even on the edge, they'd fire over the Pacific, not over us.
That is a four-minute warning.
Don't tell me nothing's happening, - I can hear a four-minute warning! - TV.
There's a thing on TV! This is a broadcast on behalf of His Majesty's Government.
It has been announced by the Prime Minister that the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland has been placed on an official war footing, as of 17.
15 this afternoon.
- Excuse me! - Come on, Gran.
Come on! miles from mainland China.
The United States of America has launched a nuclear missile at the disputed Chinese territory - Who is he? - All channels are the same.
He's not an official newsreader, is he? I've never seen him before.
What, do you think it's a hoax? Well, he's right, it's on every channel.
Are we at war? Does this mean we're at war? Great Britain? I don't know.
is a UGM-133A Trident II D-5 - Did he say Trident? - That us! That's us, isn't it? Oh, my God, that's us! Edith, is that us? Does Trident mean us? Are we the only ones with Trident missiles? - I don't know.
- Or have they used us? - I don't know.
- Is that what they've done? - Have America used us? - Stephen, I don't know.
They're going to shoot it down, the Chinese, it's not going to land.
They shoot these missiles down all the time, it's what they do.
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland has been placed on an official war footing, as of 17:15 this afternoon.
The United States of America has launched a nuclear missile at the disputed Chinese territory of Hong Sha Dao in the South China Sea and artificial island, 760 miles from Mainland China What does that mean? Is it over? Is that it? It was, it was just a warning, you know, like a test.
They were testing it.
No, it doesn't stop cos it's over.
It's like in the war films, the siren doesn't keep going throughout the air raid, it just warns you and then it stops and then The bombs hit.
Yeah.
- Where are you going, Danny? - Danny, where are you going? Thank God, cos if this is the end of the world, I don't want to see it with that lot, no offence.
Let me in, then.
What are you doing? Daniel? Don't you dare! Danny! Danny! I knew it.
Oh, my God, I knew it! How long does it take for the missiles to arrive? I've said, we don't know where it's launched from, so we don't know how long it takes.
We should be safe in this house.
We've got our very own little Chinaman.
- They'll leave us alone.
- For God's sake, Gran.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
- No, what does that mean? - Nothing.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you stupid old woman? Do you know what, I think a false alarm will do us good? Cos we let America get away with all that sabre-rattling and now China is just as much to blame and Edith.
Edith, can you hear me? Oh, shit.
We can confirm a nuclear device has detonated on the island of Hong Sha Dao, at 17.
53 Greenwich meantime, 02.
53 within the region of the South China Sea.
- But where's Edith? - Vietnam.
How close is that? - Stephen? Where's Vietnam - I don't know.
- compared to China? How close, is she? - Just Just What if they fire back? - All right.
Rosie, just listen - What if they fire back? Everybody calm down, please.
- Stephen, what do we do? - Celeste, how the hell do I know?! Bomb the Chinese! Blow them to bits! I'm not in charge! You can be whatever you want to be.
Do you hear me? You can be whatever you want to be.
Just listen to the man.
Rosie, will you control him please.
Don't have a go at me.
Stephen, can you just stop shout What happens now? What happens now? What happens now?! Did you know you can live forever? Are you with me?
It all made sense up until a few years back.
The left was the left, the right was the right.
America was America.
- Who's she? - I couldn't even point to Syria - Some woman - on a map.
I just kissed the kids goodnight, turned out the lights, looked forward to waking up the next day.
I dread it now, every day.
- Dread.
- I like her.
That man there, at the back.
- Night then, sweetheart.
- Night.
Milk's not good for you, darling.
It's just mucus.
Don't have a go at her.
No, I should do it more often.
Signor, who's Vivienne Rook? Vivienne Alison Rook, born 1964 in Manchester.
Founding member of the JJC Think Tank.
That woman there, in the blue.
What would you say to a Palestinian family on the Gaza Strip, when Israel has reduced the electricity supply to two hours a day? - Two hours!? - Yeah, I know.
I know, but I suppose when it comes to Israel and Palestine I don't give a fuck.
Oh, my God.
What did she just say? - Well, now I like her even more.
- She can't say that! Go on, say it again! Who is she?! Stephen's watching.
Danny's seen it.
I bet he's written a letter of complaint.
Look, number one trending topic "Viv Rook".
In, what, under 20 seconds? I have to apologise to the people at home.
You really can't say that.
But I mean it, I mean it.
- Kiev, Yemen, Qatar.
I simply do not give a No, no, no, no.
If you say that again, I'll have to exclude you.
Well, that's the point, isn't it? We're not allowed to say anything true.
I have had enough.
I have literally had enough.
Lucy's watching, and Javindra.
Nell.
Lynne.
- Viv Rook for Strictly! - Mm.
Just headlines shouting at me.
And all I want is for my bins to be collected once a week, you know? I, I want I want the primary school 200 yards from my house to pick up its own litter and, for the love of God, my mother walks with a stick, could people please just stop parking on the pavements? Could you just stop it?! So, ask me about Israel, ask me about Palestine, ask me and I will tell you I do not give a monkeys.
But I have got you listening now, haven't I? - Oh, my God, she is a monster.
- I think she's brilliant.
- Hello.
Hello, are you all right? - Hiya.
It's me.
Look, don't make a fuss, but can you take Lee? Just get him to bed and give him some toast for breakfast, he'll be fine.
I'm on my way to the hospital.
- I started, I'm early.
- Er, right.
Yeah, but what about Jan? I thought she was helping you.
She was according to the birth plan, but that's for next Monday, she's in London tonight.
And Runi's had a drink so she's useless.
We're on our way to Salford City, can you meet me there and pick him up? Oh, and can you tell Gran? But who are you with, then? I'm being driven by Mr Jayasundera from number six.
Everything's under control.
Sorry! No, no, no.
I mean, but who's going to be with you for the birth? I don't know.
- She's on her own.
- Why's she on her own? I don't know.
But will you be okay? I'm all right.
It's not my first.
Mum should be with me, really.
Er, er Do you want me to be there? Would you? Er, yeah.
Oh, course I will.
I'm on my way.
Oh, my God, Rosie's gone into hospital.
Oh.
Is that now? I thought she was months away.
But Danny's with her.
He says I've got to tell Gran.
I could go.
I could get a taxi, it's only half an hour.
Oh, don't add to the panic, Gran.
The last thing we need is one of your little adventures.
Danny says she's having an ultrasound for the epidural, so everything's fine.
Your mother would be there.
I know, but Yeah, but there's nothing we can do about that.
It's a bit odd for Daniel, childbirth with his own sister.
If he wasn't gay before, he will be now.
Well, that's gynaephobic.
What was that? Celeste says hello.
Mm.
Well, let me know the news.
Any time.
Even if it's 4am.
I will but don't stay up all night.
Promise me, no adventures.
You talk to me like I'm a child.
If you go to bed now, get up at 5am, drive to Manchester, you could be at your gran's by eight o'clock.
But I've got Lou Havins coming round in the morning about that trust.
Cancel him.
E-mail him now, go on.
Family emergency.
You should be with your gran, the old goat.
Don't ever tell her I was nice.
This is BBC Radio 4.
Good morning.
a 5-year study into the causes of inequality in the UK which, they say, is a threat to democracy.
Theresa May's Brexit negotiator is going to Brussels for talks on the document that sets out the UK's future relations with the EU.
Doris Day appears on most of the front pages following her death yesterday at the age of 97.
He's so Chinese.
Oh, my God, I was waiting for you to say it first.
He is, isn't he? I was wondering how Chinese he was going to be but he is, like, 100%.
Tiny little version of Gau.
Well, you'll have to tell him.
I know, I'll call him later.
What about Dad? None of his business.
Do you want me to phone him? If I want to tell anyone, I want to tell Mum and I can't, so Dad can just piss off.
Don't you tell him, okay? - Have you got that? - Okay, okay.
All right.
I won't.
So, have you thought of a name? Lincoln.
I don't believe it, she's calling him Lincoln.
Like Abraham Lincoln? What is he, a Chinese Abraham Lincoln? You're saying Lincoln, Lincoln Lyons.
She's calling him Lincoln.
I know.
I got an e-mail from Danny.
I warn you, he'll get called Lin.
Gran says he'll get called Lin.
So? Tell her that's a boy's name too.
There's nothing wrong with it.
I just wonder where she got it from.
Maybe she had sex in Lincoln.
Oi, that's enough of that.
Ruby says maybe she had sex in Lincoln.
Er, tell Ruby to stop being so rude.
All right, I'd better go.
I'll see you tonight.
Congratulations, again.
Great grandmother.
I am great, don't you forget it.
Come on, let's go and see the little swine.
Mr Lincoln Lyons.
You've got a new cousin.
Auntie Rosie had a little boy called Lincoln, like Lincoln Green.
Signor, give me the origin of Lincoln as a boy's first name.
Lincoln as a boy's first name is from the Latin meaning lithe.
What does lithe mean? Erm, kind of thin.
Is it thin or slight? More like slim.
Signor, what does lithe mean? Lithe, adjective meaning pliant, limber, supple, flexible.
Thank you.
Hello, hello, hello.
- Aw, he's fast asleep.
- Good boy.
Oh, little Lincoln.
I keep thinking about your mum.
I know.
But don't set me off again.
Has anyone told Edith? I left her a message.
She never replies.
God knows where she is.
Indonesia, last I heard.
They imprison children, she says.
Apparently, if you haven't got a birth certificate, they determine your age by x-raying your wrist and then if your X-ray says you're 16, you're 16 even if you're 12.
So, off goes Edith into battle.
Just like her mother.
No, Mum liked a hot bath and proper towels.
Edith lives like a hippy.
Come on, then, they said two to a bed.
I'll take Lee to McDonald's.
- How do you fancy that, yeah? - Yeah! - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Can I say goodbye? Yeah.
Oh, careful.
Oh, looking a bit broody there.
No chance.
No way.
Ah, you'd be great, you and Ralph.
Don't know if I could have a kid in a world like this.
- Oh, that's happy, thanks.
- Really, though.
It's It is like that Rook woman said, things were OK a few years ago, before 2008.
Do you remember back then? We used to think politics was boring.
Those were the days.
But now, I worry about everything.
I don't know what to worry about first.
Never mind the government, it's the sodding banks.
They terrify me and it's not even them, it's the companies, the brands, the corporations.
They treat us like algorithms, while they go around poisoning the air and the temperature and the rain, and don't even start me on Isis.
Well, now we've got America.
Never thought I'd be scared of America in a million years, but we've got fake news and false facts and I don't even know what's true any more.
What sort of world are we in? Cos if it's this bad now, what's it going to be like for you, huh? 30 years' time, 10 years, 5 years? What's it going to be like? Happy birthday, dear Lincoln Happy birthday to you! And the world awakes to a second term for President Donald Trump.
The President you get, you deserve.
Okay, right, so don't laugh, but will you marry me? Oh, my God, you're hilarious, Dan.
But will you though? - Yes! - Yeah? And China has named the new island Hong Sha Dao, which means the Island of the Red Sands.
The date of the general election has been announced.
as Thursday, May 5th.
I will be standing, yes.
It's about time, but I'll be standing as an independent candidate.
I, Daniel Samuel Lyons, take you, Ralph Joseph Cousins, to be my legally wedded husband.
- Woohoo! - Arriba, arriba, arriba! Long live the King! Long live the King! Long live the King! Happy birthday to you! Vivienne Alison Rook 3,576.
Archibald Goolding is duly elected as Member of Parliament for this constituency.
I'll be back.
You watch me.
I'll be back.
The Ukrainian Army has taken control of the government.
They have invited the Soviet Army into Kiev to maintain stability.
Happy birthday, dear Gran Happy birthday to you! We should do this every year on my birthday.
- It's a new tradition.
- It's freezing.
Let's call it the Winter Feast.
And with Germany still in mourning after the death of Angela Merkel - Oh, good riddance.
- What? Well, you know, I don't want to be rude, but the world just got a whole lot prettier.
You've got a great future in politics.
Why is she even on? She's not anyone.
- She's no-one.
- Oh, lighten up! I'll take it as a compliment, anyway.
And here's to absent friends, to our dearly beloved sister, out there on the oceans deep.
- Here's to Edith.
- To Edith! Yeah! And there's a large crowd of protesters gathering in Dover this morning, as it's been announced that so far in 2024, more Ukrainian refugees have entered the UK than in the whole of the previous year.
Current estimates suggest that a further 10,000 refugees will be arriving before the end of the month.
Pass me the soap.
What are you doing that for? I just had a shit downstairs.
You always tell me off when I run the tap, so Hey, have you got shitty hands?! I haven't got actual shit on my hands, no.
Don't.
Get off.
Stop it! All right.
I'm done.
- That's disgusting.
- It was your rule.
Morning.
Oh, you look nice.
Hello, Clyde.
Stephen, I left that thing on the shelf.
- Don't forget, it needs to go today.
- Yep.
Tell me, Clyde, are you living here now? Mum says thank you very much.
That's every day this week, I'll send her a bill.
- Morning.
- Hello, Mummy.
- And how's Bethany doing under there? - She's fine! Hm.
Well, it would be nice to see her one day.
Give her my love.
Signor, remind Edith it's Gran's birthday on the second.
Reminder to Edith Lyons sent.
God, the Winter Feast.
Do we really have to go? Don't be daft, we'll have a nice time.
Plus it means we don't have to see them at Christmas.
OK, nobody can use the Vision tonight cos me and Clyde have booked it, we've got upstairs from seven till ten, - have you got that? - Clyde and I.
It's the worldwide premier of Guardians 4 so you can't interrupt, not for anything.
No, Chris Pratt is such a hot daddy.
He could have me any day.
- Bye! - 13 years old.
Bethany says she's booked us for Saturday.
Are you free? Bethany, sweetheart, you don't need to make an appointment with me.
I'm here, right in front of you.
I'm sorry, Mummy.
Seriously though, I mean, I might have to start limiting filter time.
Just talk to me properly.
- Sorry, pretty Mummy.
- Do you want me to take that off you? - Don't, no, it's all right.
- No, it's not.
It's not all right.
Beth, I'm here, in front of you.
If you want to talk to us, you don't need to make an appointment.
Why don't you turn off that filter, so we can see you properly? Sorry.
For God's sakes.
I think if Beth wants to see us then Saturday makes sense because you won't be rushing off and Ruby's at her sex-fighting class, so the three of us can sit down together and have a nice long chat, - isn't that right, Beth? - Oh, I like how that became my fault.
Rushing off.
But, yes, OK, fine.
Saturday.
Yaaaay! Fank-oo! Fank-oo! You not got your car? Oh, I was in Rusholme last night, it was all sealed off with that bomb factory.
- I've got to go and get it.
- Well, I can take you in.
It's about time we said hello.
It's Daniel, from number 17.
I'm Fran.
- Fran Baxter.
- Hi.
Thank you.
So, what brought you up here, then? Oh, I gave up on London in the end.
I tried my best, but it finally beat me.
- Why, too expensive? - £12 for a coffee.
And those areas getting fenced off, like you can only enter Kensington if you're means tested.
I thought, I've had enough.
I can do my job anywhere.
- Which is what, what do you do? - I'm a story teller.
Oh, right, good.
Yeah.
- What's that? - I tell stories for a living.
I go into schools and businesses.
I teach master classes.
The shape of stories and the need for them.
- You think it's ridiculous, don't you? - Uh, no.
No, not at all.
It's a real thing, though.
It's worldwide.
- I've done a TED talk.
- Oh, God.
Wow.
Well, TEDx, but it's amazing in schools.
Kids love it.
Like, stories help them to make sense of the world.
Is your sister Edith Lyons? Yes, yes, she is.
Yeah.
You'd get on well with her, she'd love you.
Why, how do you know? Who said? Mike at number 12 told me.
I think she's amazing.
I've read all of her books.
Er, well, they're not exactly books, they're more like essays that never end.
No, but, yeah, and you know I haven't seen her for years.
She didn't even come home when our mum died.
She's in Lagos now, causing trouble.
Hm.
And you work for the council, yeah? Yeah, I'm just a housing officer.
I know.
Boring.
I'm dealing with all these refugees.
They're flooding in from Ukraine.
500 in the past month, housing doesn't cover it, we've had to build them a little town.
No.
No! No, no, cars on site.
Read the signs.
Parking's at Denholm Fields.
Well, I don't know where that is.
I'm Debbie Green.
They sent me from Blackpool.
I'm with the exchange.
OK.
Well, just go back to the road, turn right, follow the parking signs and then come back and find me, Daniel Lyons, and I can show you what's what.
Thanks, Danny.
Daniel.
So, they arrive here and they're sent through there to Divestiture.
That's where they abandon all their belongings, except clothes and essentials, because you would not believe what they try to bring in, chairs and heirlooms, pets.
We keep saying, "They're not homes, they're emergency housing.
" - How many on site? - 60 so far, but expanding to 200 by the end of the week.
Yeah, so what's the plan with Blackpool? - Are you building one of these? - Oh, God, no.
- I'm trying to stop them.
- What do you mean? Oh, we don't want this.
It's a bloody nightmare.
- I voted Leave.
- Yeah, they're not immigrants.
They're refugees.
There's a difference.
Do you know what the difference is? I think it's one thing taking in starving kids, but not Ukrainians! They've got shops over there, they've got TV, they've got roads.
They've got soldiers on the streets.
Are we at war with Russia? No, not yet.
Then they're not refugees.
They're asylum seekers, and that's a very different apple in the custard.
97% of Ukraine voted for Russian citizenship.
If you can believe that wasn't fixed, and now Russia's got the names of the other 3%, whether that's legal or not, and they're talking about re-housing them but they won't give a definition of what re-housing means, which is terrifying, frankly.
In other words, it's a purge, so these people are refugees which means they're allowed to seek asylum and it's got nothing to do with Europe and we're still part of the United Nations, whether you like it or not.
- Who says apple in the custard? - My mother.
- Then she's a bloody idiot.
- Vijay, get her off site.
- June.
- Yeah? - That's for DP.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
15.
15.
Right.
Er, hi there.
Mr Barabash.
Er, you've applied for a transfer to Dublin because Oh, you've got family there, is that right? Sorry.
- How's your English? - It's good.
OK.
Well, we can't process that until the sanctuary scheme has worked out a border deal with Ireland, and that is a long way off so we can't do anything right now.
- Sorry.
- Good, but, er, I'm not Mr Barabash.
Oh.
- Right.
okay.
Is he around? - No, he's gone.
- Where has he gone? - Dublin.
Er, well, I'm here to tell him he can't.
That bastard.
My name is Viktor.
Viktor Goraya.
Yeah, I should know that, shouldn't I? Er, well, I'm with housing.
Daniel, I'm Yeah, I'm normally more efficient than this, promise.
I thought you'd come to join me.
They said I'd have to share.
I thought, "Wow, I've got lucky.
" Yeah, anyway, I'd better Thanks.
So, how are you settling in? They got me a lawyer, Mrs Vennering.
She prepares my case for asylum.
It'll take months, so thank you for my home.
Oh, well, it's meant to have proper insulation, but the money ran out.
The roof's only made of a light gauge steel, so Sorry, I could talk about containers forever.
My boyfriend, oh, gets sick of it.
Yeah.
So, what does your lawyer say? I mean, what are your chances? Well, they need to prove torture, that I was tortured.
They asked me questions and applied electricity to the soles of my feet.
- I think that's torture.
- Of course it is.
God, that's That's terrible, I'm so sorry.
They demand proof here in the UK, which I understand, but they electrocute because it leaves no marks, so no proof.
You see, there was a tiny scar where the electric goes in.
But not any more.
It fades away.
Does it still hurt? Yeah, but it's okay.
So, what did they ask you? What sort of questions? My friends, their names, addresses, the bars we'd go to.
But I thought - It's legal in Ukraine, isn't it? - No, no, no.
Not with the new Russian laws.
But the point is, the inquisitors were Ukrainian.
They were people who'd been waiting a long time.
That's nice.
I'd better get back to work.
Yeah.
Well, say hello, any time.
Er, yeah, but we're not allowed to.
It's preferential treatment, you know? Anyway, thanks.
Signor, give me Bethany's internet history, past 24 hours.
That account is private.
Germany Lemon Five Parasol.
Unlocked.
Don't.
We promised them.
Signor, give me Bethany's internet history, past 24 hours.
A trans life? Well, there we are.
I said so.
Oh, bless her.
It's okay.
She'll be fine.
He'll be fine.
They'll be fine? Oh, God.
I just want you to know I wuv you, Mummy and Daddy.
I know you do, sweetheart.
And I'm going to ask you to take the filter off.
Will you do that for me? I think I've been uncomfortable a very long time.
- We know.
- Sh, sh.
I've been thinking, ever since I was born, that I don't belong in this body.
- Oh, my God.
- It's all right.
It's really okay, darling.
I've been reading up on it and I think I'm trans.
Oh, sweetheart.
Aw.
Oh, it's all right, darling.
I swear.
It really is.
Ah, look at us, we're fine.
We're completely fine, aren't we? Mm-hm.
And I know we might be a bit slow and a bit old and this is going to be confusing for us and we'll make a mess of it sometimes, but we love you.
Hm? We love you.
We absolutely love you.
We always will.
I mean, we don't need to rush.
We've got lots of time to talk about this.
And, you know, if it turns out that we've got a a lovely son instead of a lovely daughter then, well, we'll be happy.
No, I'm not transsexual.
- Oh.
- Is that not the word now? But you said trans.
What do we call you, then? I'm not transsexual, I'm transhuman.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry, they keep changing the words.
I don't know the difference.
I don't want to change sex.
No, sure.
We say gender now, don't we? I'm sorry.
I said I'm not comfortable with my body, so I want to get rid of it.
This thing, all the arms and legs and every single bit of it.
I don't want to be flesh.
I'm really sorry, but I'm going to escape this thing and become digital.
What do you mean? They say one day soon, they'll have clinics in Switzerland, where you can go and you'll sign a form and they'll take your brain and download it into the cloud.
And your body? Recycled into the Earth.
So, you want to kill yourself? I want to live forever as information, because that's what transhumans are, Mum.
Not male or female better.
Where I'm going there's no life or death, there's only data.
I will be data.
You promised me! You liars! And if you think you're going online, you make a sad mistake.
I'm switching it off! I will go analogue if I have to, so you can't read any more of that shit! Then the old woman clung to her daughter, because she was so afraid.
She said, "My daughter, I can't go home.
"Waiting on the road, out there in the night, "are three terrible creatures.
"There is a tiger, there is a bear and there is a wolf "and they will eat me.
" But the daughter said, "Look, what about the pumpkin?" Cos she still had the pumpkin shell from making the pumpkin soup, and the pumpkin shell was huge.
She said, "Mother, get inside the pumpkin.
" So the old woman did and as she bent over and curled up tight, all the bones in her back went crick! Crack! - Crick! - Crack! - Crrrr-ick! - Crack! Oh, those old bones.
But the old woman got inside, and her daughter sealed up the pumpkin with candle wax and rolled her to the door.
I'd better go home.
Stay.
Sorry.
Two ticks.
It's okay.
- Hiya.
It's Tony, isn't it? - That's right.
I'm Lee's mum, Rosie.
Rosie Lyons.
There's no Mr Lyons, in case you were wondering.
And so she ran off, overnight.
Literally packed her bags and left.
Milly was only four and I had to cope all on my own.
Well, I hope you're not expecting a medal, single dad.
No.
I was just saying.
God, you're hard work.
Yes, I am.
Get used to it.
So who have you got? Lincoln and Lee.
Yep.
His dad's called Gau.
He was nice enough, but he went back home to Beijing when his mum died.
She fell off a roof, it was terrible.
Although, I always knew he'd go back in the end.
He was never going to stay.
And Lee's dad is a man called Terry Malone.
He's living in Slough with a wife and three daughters.
He stays in touch, he sends money.
We first got together at school.
I don't mean childhood sweethearts, it was more of a school disco sort of thing.
So, er, do you work or are these two full-time? God, no.
I've got a job.
I'd go crackers stuck at home with two boys all day.
- What do you do? - I'm a championship wrestler.
What? No, I'm a chef manager, on a job share at the big school.
1,200 pupils.
It's hard work.
So, Mr Tony Watts, now you know everything, you can ask me out.
Oh, right, can I? Yes, you can.
Hurry up! All right, well, erm, well, what do you fancy? Saturday night, does that work? Can you cook? I can cook.
No, you spend all day in a canteen.
I'll cook.
I'll do it.
Well, give me your address, then.
Okay.
Saturday night, eight? Eight o'clock it is.
Here we are, my beanie boys.
I'll make you a bacon sandwich later on.
Beautiful, that'll do me.
Thanks, Mur.
I've been in that back bedroom, Gran.
I can't paint it, it's too damp from the outside.
You're going to need proper work done in there.
Zinc! You just cover it over with zinc paint.
I know, but that's not an option.
This house needs money.
It's held together by cobwebs.
We'll manage.
All will be well.
Don't let me interrupt.
You look very nice in dungarees, Ralph.
Sexy.
Oh, you cheeky thing! You do actually look quite hot in dungarees.
Well, er, we can try 'em at home, hm? - Later.
- Yeah, that'd be nice.
It's about time.
You're the one who works late.
- Oh, forget I said anything.
- Well You're the one who's never off his phone.
- Had to have the last word, didn't you? - Well, it's true.
Did you read that link I sent you? - Er, no, not yet.
- You see? Look, I'm sharing stuff, I'm trying.
- You can join in more.
- Okay, what does it say? It's amazing, like, it's this site that proves that germs don't exist.
- Right.
- Yeah.
That's what it says.
No such thing as germs.
Whole thing, right, faked by the pharmaceutical industry.
Right, well, that's bollocks.
Don't do that, you'll be joining the Flat Earth Society next.
- Now that stuff is fascinating.
- Oh, no way.
- Have you read it? - No, and I never will.
Come on, that's a bit ignorant, don't you think? How's that going to help anyone, not reading something? You're not saying the world is flat, for God's sake, Ralph, you teach children, please don't say the world is flat.
I'm not saying it is, I'm just keeping an open mind.
- It's an option.
- How? How is that an option? We've been to India.
We've travelled halfway across the Earth.
We've seen it.
How do you think the horizon curves? We've seen it from a plane, there's a curve.
That's what a disc would look like.
All right, well, you've got GPS in your car.
Yeah, with a flatscreen.
The G stands for global.
So? Apple computers aren't made from apples, are they? That's not even a thi Look, look, I'm not saying I'm absolutely right, OK? Which means you can't say I'm absolutely wrong.
Except you're never going to stop, are you? God help anyone trying to contradict you, Dan! I swear to God, it's like intelligence is going backwards.
We're in reverse.
If it's not the moon landings or 9/11, it's, I don't know, the Loch Ness Monster! The human race is getting more stupid right in front of our eyes.
I mean, what do you do when your husband is too thick? You can ask Celeste, she's got a few theories about that.
It's driving me mad.
You know, it's not just Ralph, it's it's everywhere.
I know.
It's like we went too far.
We imagined too much.
We sent all those probes into space and we went to the very edge of the solar system, built the Hadron Collider and the internet and we painted all those paintings and we wrote all those great songs and then, pop! Whatever we had, we punctured it.
And now it's all collapsing.
Well, nothing we can do.
Our brains are devolving.
Seriously, though, what if they are? Well, some species don't survive.
Actually, all species don't survive in the end.
How can you say that with kids? Tell me about it.
I've got a daughter who wants to digitise herself and chuck her body away.
I don't know.
Downloading your brain It can't actually be done though, can it? It's not real.
- You're denying everything.
- Oh, God.
What's real? What's not? How do we know? - You okay? - Yeah.
- Are you, though? - It's just work.
Are those Ukrainians driving you mad? It's exactly that.
Yes.
That's exactly what it is.
Ta-da! What do you think? Am I gorgeous? Don't all clap at once, thank you, fans.
Stop faffing about.
Head off, you're going to be late.
Right.
Behave for Lesley, you two.
She's only on three quid an hour.
We've got popcorn and Mike's universal password.
We'll be fine.
And if Mummy has a nice time with her friend and talks too much and falls asleep on his couch, uh, I'll see you in the morning.
- Go Rosie! - Bye-bye.
Woo! Woo! Do you know, there wasn't even a custody battle? - She was too drunk.
- Hm.
You know, I spent £500 on a lawyer and she didn't even turn up? But your little Milly's all right, though, she looks happy enough.
- Yeah, she's amazing.
Full of beans.
- Ah.
I've got to be honest, we're like best mates now, the two of us.
Well, me, her and Keith.
Who's Keith? Oh, my God, there he is! Keith, forward two feet.
He's brilliant! Does he talk? Oh, only simple things.
Hello, Keith.
Hello, Tony.
Freaks me out a bit.
Ah, they keep telling us these things are going to rule the world, all he can do is fetch a can of pop out the fridge.
But she loves him, though.
Milly loves Keith, yes? Keith loves Milly.
And Milly's at your sister's, yeah? You okay? I mean, is there anything I should do or not do? Yeah, just get on with it.
But, have you got a condom? Yeah, don't worry.
I'm fully equipped.
- Oh, what was that? - What? That? It's just a thing.
Yeah, I know it is but what do you do with it? I get lonely, you know.
Oh, my God.
Orifice open.
Honestly, I was only mucking about! Oh, don't now, Rosie.
- Come back to bed.
- You have sex with your robot! Oh, my God! No way! Oh, shut up, it's not funny.
But it's a robot called Keith.
Hello, Tony.
Not now, Keith.
- So, did you stay? - No, I did not.
I said, thank you very much, Tony Watts, and got out.
- Ah.
You could have had Keith instead.
- I bet Keith has got attachments.
- Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't ya? - Well, I'd give it a go.
What was it? - Uh, robot sex thing.
- Ah.
Oh, so, listen, I was thinking, what we get Gran for her birthday? 'Cos I saw it advertised, the Gypsy Kings.
- Do you think? - Are they still going? Oh, they are immortal.
Oh, she's on.
Are we ready? Are we? Ah, hope it works.
The movement known as the Four Start Party intends to field a minimum of 17 MPs at the Have you seen the TV? She's formed her own party, that monster.
We haven't got a TV any more.
My first-ever front page.
What's me mother going to say? We are calling it the Four Star Party, in honour of my little faux pas on live TV all those years ago.
And the censorship that I have faced ever since on the fake news media.
But we are four stars, we are four stars striving to be five.
That's what we represent, ambition, the ambition of the ordinary man and woman.
The people abandoned by the parties of old.
How can she launch a political party? She ain't even an MP.
You don't have to be.
We could launch a party right now, but we don't, cos we can't be arsed.
Labour is dead.
The Tories are dead.
The Liberal Democrats are dead.
And then we complain about people who do.
Well, at least she's trying.
And the Four Start party is bursting with life.
- I'd vote for her.
- Don't you dare! Four Stars! The crisis over Hong Sha Dao continues to worsen Do you understand this thing with China? Is it real? Oh, it's just America going nuts.
You know, their elections get madder and madder.
So, the Gypsy Kings, yeah? Tell you what, if we get two tickets can I have the other one? No.
Tensions are rising in the stand-off between the US and China over the disputed territory of Hong Sha Dao.
President Trump has announced a new round of sanctions and has upped the stakes by tweeting that America will never back down.
We have breakfast tomorrow, then we go first thing.
No Sunday lunch.
Got that, all of you? Oh, here comes the dragon lady.
Prepare for danger.
Stand by.
I'm just trying to listen.
This whole thing's gone a bit mad.
Well, you bring us all this way, now you can deal with her.
Hi! Happy birthday.
Hello.
We did it! We made it! Well, don't make it sound like such an effort.
Not on my behalf.
Aw, you don't look a day over 900.
- Hey, hey, hey! How was it? - Hello.
Hi.
- Fine, good.
No problem.
- Hello.
- Are you putting on weight? - Ha.
I told him that! I married the wrong brother.
Come here! Now, Stephen has been busy.
He's made that cake with the white frosting.
Oooh! And he's made that one with crystallised ginger 'cause everyone liked that.
- Ah, little Susie Homemaker.
- That's me.
And I bought gluten free rolls, Bethany, just for you.
OK, but Uh, she's not gluten free any more.
It's a misdiagnosis.
Turns out it's misdiagnosis for most of the world.
What we thought was gluten intolerance, turns out to be fructose intolerance.
It's this, um, sugar chain thing.
Uh, that's what they're saying, anyway.
Well, I wouldn't know in my little kitchen in Manchester.
Perhaps if you visited me more than once a year, I would know better.
- Hey, I was here two months ago.
- I was talking to your wife.
You little idiot.
But it is an emergency.
We've got four days left of this presidency, four days in which he can do anything he likes.
But America won't back down, and China's made it clear they won't back down.
So what do you think is going to happen? The situation is running out of control.
Here we are.
Bit burnt.
That's all part of the experience.
Now, these ones over here are lamb.
They eat so much meat.
It's like we married Henry the Eighth.
I am freezing.
It's all right for Muriel, her nerve endings died in 1976.
There you go! Birthday feast.
Come on then, Gran.
Let's have the speech.
"I remember when all this was Woolworths.
" Well, I do.
I loved that shop.
I used to buy 45 inch singles there.
That was back in the day, when we still had butterflies.
When did you last see one of those? Although, I'll tell you one thing we didn't have, tsunamis.
What? Don't be daft.
What do you mean? No, we didn't.
We had earthquakes, but that was it.
The tsunami is an entirely modern invention.
I love it.
- Here's to you, Gran.
Everyone.
- Happy birthday, Muriel.
Hey, did I tell you? Dad's moved house.
It looks nice, online.
It's off the main road.
Well, good for him.
And that's an end to it, don't you think? Oh, be fair, though.
He's been with Jacqueline for, what? Decades now.
And she's quite nice.
Maybe we should invite them next year.
I said that's an end to it, and anybody who disagrees is quite welcome to leave and go back to London.
Hey, did you hear? Ruby's been telling us about her porn class.
- What? - No way.
Seriously? You don't actually have a porn class.
No, it's called Sexual Awareness Image And Control.
Well, they get taught pornography from the age of 11.
It's official.
It's compulsory, they need it! Compulsory porn, woo! Love it.
You're on the list.
Category 15.
Middle aged gay male, likely to mock boundaries and force sexual references into my orbit.
- Aye, Danny! - Bang on I'd say.
Congratulations, Dan, you're on the syllabus.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realise you had an "orbit".
Danny! - Hi.
- Oh, no way.
It's Edith.
- Hi, hiya.
- Where are you? - We're all here.
We're in the garden.
- Are you okay, Gran? - You remembered my birthday.
- Have you heard the news? We bought Gran Gypsy King tickets, so you can pay for a quarter.
Yeah, you're missing out.
We're all being categorised.
- Are you all right, darling? - I'm fine, I'm fine.
I think.
I don't know.
I don't I don't know if it matters any more.
- Where are you? - Uh, Vietnam.
On the coast, just down from Ho Chi Minh City.
Oh, all right for some.
We came here to protest, but too late.
It's only just over there, Hong Sha Dao.
Is that on the island thing? For God's sake, Gran, don't you watch the news? I send you a link every day.
Hong Sha Dao is an artificial island.
It's built by the Chinese, population 26,000, but it's more than that.
It's a military base with nuclear weapons.
That's what America says.
It was on the radio this morning.
Why? What's happened? Is that siren with you or us? - It's here.
- Cos it's here as well.
What does it mean? They've They've launched a missile.
- Who has? China? - Uh, America.
They fired a nuclear missile at Hong Sha.
- You're kidding.
- Oh, my God.
He did it, Donald Trump did it in his final days of office.
But we haven't got sirens, have we? Where is that coming from? We don't have sirens, we just, we just don't.
- We're not at war, are we? - Are they firing at us? Of course they aren't.
Yeah, but China and America, if they go to war, we're directly in the middle aren't we? We're not in the middle, we're not even on the edge, they'd fire over the Pacific, not over us.
That is a four-minute warning.
Don't tell me nothing's happening, - I can hear a four-minute warning! - TV.
There's a thing on TV! This is a broadcast on behalf of His Majesty's Government.
It has been announced by the Prime Minister that the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland has been placed on an official war footing, as of 17.
15 this afternoon.
- Excuse me! - Come on, Gran.
Come on! miles from mainland China.
The United States of America has launched a nuclear missile at the disputed Chinese territory - Who is he? - All channels are the same.
He's not an official newsreader, is he? I've never seen him before.
What, do you think it's a hoax? Well, he's right, it's on every channel.
Are we at war? Does this mean we're at war? Great Britain? I don't know.
is a UGM-133A Trident II D-5 - Did he say Trident? - That us! That's us, isn't it? Oh, my God, that's us! Edith, is that us? Does Trident mean us? Are we the only ones with Trident missiles? - I don't know.
- Or have they used us? - I don't know.
- Is that what they've done? - Have America used us? - Stephen, I don't know.
They're going to shoot it down, the Chinese, it's not going to land.
They shoot these missiles down all the time, it's what they do.
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland has been placed on an official war footing, as of 17:15 this afternoon.
The United States of America has launched a nuclear missile at the disputed Chinese territory of Hong Sha Dao in the South China Sea and artificial island, 760 miles from Mainland China What does that mean? Is it over? Is that it? It was, it was just a warning, you know, like a test.
They were testing it.
No, it doesn't stop cos it's over.
It's like in the war films, the siren doesn't keep going throughout the air raid, it just warns you and then it stops and then The bombs hit.
Yeah.
- Where are you going, Danny? - Danny, where are you going? Thank God, cos if this is the end of the world, I don't want to see it with that lot, no offence.
Let me in, then.
What are you doing? Daniel? Don't you dare! Danny! Danny! I knew it.
Oh, my God, I knew it! How long does it take for the missiles to arrive? I've said, we don't know where it's launched from, so we don't know how long it takes.
We should be safe in this house.
We've got our very own little Chinaman.
- They'll leave us alone.
- For God's sake, Gran.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
- No, what does that mean? - Nothing.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you stupid old woman? Do you know what, I think a false alarm will do us good? Cos we let America get away with all that sabre-rattling and now China is just as much to blame and Edith.
Edith, can you hear me? Oh, shit.
We can confirm a nuclear device has detonated on the island of Hong Sha Dao, at 17.
53 Greenwich meantime, 02.
53 within the region of the South China Sea.
- But where's Edith? - Vietnam.
How close is that? - Stephen? Where's Vietnam - I don't know.
- compared to China? How close, is she? - Just Just What if they fire back? - All right.
Rosie, just listen - What if they fire back? Everybody calm down, please.
- Stephen, what do we do? - Celeste, how the hell do I know?! Bomb the Chinese! Blow them to bits! I'm not in charge! You can be whatever you want to be.
Do you hear me? You can be whatever you want to be.
Just listen to the man.
Rosie, will you control him please.
Don't have a go at me.
Stephen, can you just stop shout What happens now? What happens now? What happens now?! Did you know you can live forever? Are you with me?