You Me Her (2016) s03e07 Episode Script

Hold Onto Your Ovaries

1 Congratulations.
You're pregnant.
- Holy shit.
- Previously on "You Me Her" I'm keeping it.
Jack, Izzy, - I'm in love with the two of you.
- I could never trust her, and I would be beyond disappointed if you could.
For the record, I'm also Mr.
Right There in Front of You.
I'm gonna be putting more time into the magazine, and we need to come up with a plan.
You wanted to stay at home.
This was a a mutual decision.
I spoke to your grandmother's counselor.
She asked if you'd want to go for coffee.
Fine, but you seriously have to be there.
I will.
I promise.
I don't know.
Maybe Andy was right, what he said to me when we broke up.
"It's not me.
It's you.
" - Fuck.
- Yeah.
- Favorite part of the job.
There you go.
- Oh.
We have to celebrate.
- You, me, Emma.
Who else? - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] What's that look? - Hey! There they are.
- Hi.
My, God.
What is Emma doing You were in on this.
- Yeah.
- Iz.
- What? - I'm pregnant and I'm keeping it.
Six weeks, so He knows, doesn't he? Jack! YOUNG SUMMER: While the world is stretched, we go But this time That day in the loft, what'd you call it? Oh, yeah, it was a "mistake.
" No, it turns out that was the only completely real thing I've done in the last six months.
And yet, you left again.
Yeah, I ran away 'cause I was fucking terrified.
Of what? Of the day you and Jack realized I was unnecessary.
Jack loves you, Izzy.
He is deeply in love with you.
- And you think that that would - Stop.
that would pissed me off or make me jealous, but it doesn't, because this just feels right.
And I don't wanna fuck it up.
I cannot fuck this up again.
This happened when we were together.
We made this baby together.
Well, I never could say, I never I love you so fucking much.
What I wanted I never could say, I never could see the waves Say it again.
I love you.
All of it.
I love you so fucking much.
Yipes.
This is so much better than I expected after that scream.
Is this what it was like the last time you two made out in a bathroom? It was a little more like this.
- [LAUGHS] - [THUD] And then I went like this.
[THUD] And like this.
- EMMA: Remember? - IZZY: Yeah.
Come here.
Over deeper waters Fools from far away close enough to fall in Well, I never could say, I never could say again What I wanted, I never could see I never could see the waves That rolled you under - Fuck this.
- [CELLPHONE CLATTERS] Troubles? Yeah.
I'm pretty sure I just got stood up by a catsitter/Instagram consultant.
Oh.
Wow, okay.
Well, that knocks off the bicycle detailer/ fraternity party planner - off the top, doesn't it? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
A bunch of the guys I was messaging went radio silent.
I haven't hooked anything for almost 24 hours.
Uh-oh.
- [GLASS THUDS] - Uh-oh, what? Well, it seems like the boys of Portland are talkin'.
Seriously? Like I'm on some kind of Tinder shit list? - I don't know.
- Ugh! Fuck! How am I supposed to finish my fucking thesis if everybody's scared of me?! [CHUCKLES] I know, right? Hmm.
Mm.
So I was gonna sneak out and catch "Pillow Talk" at the Paramount.
And you're welcome to tag along if you want, or whatever.
I mean, it's a light crowd and, uh, he can handle it, so Are you serious? Are you asking me on a date right now? Absolutely not.
I'm just proposing that we grab a bite, and then we go see one of the 10 essential romcoms of the 20th century.
Okay, so so now it's the proverbial dinner and a movie? - Oh, right.
- But it it's still not a date? You're just you're you're turning this into something that it clearly isn't.
And quite frankly, I don't, you know, I don't feel comfortable.
- [WHISPERS] Oh.
- So But you don't think I see how you look at me? You know, I can feel your searing eyes on my ass, making my ass even hotter.
It's true.
- [SCOFFS] - Say yes.
- Yes.
- What was that? Yes.
Yes.
Yes! Oh.
See? - Huh? - [WOMEN LAUGH] Yeah.
You know where to find me.
Okay.
Do you really think they're getting it on in our master bathroom right now? Fighting, fucking? Fighting while fucking? - CARMEN: It's all on the table right now.
- [DAVE GROANS] Or the vanity, in this case.
Okay, I'm gonna think about that every time I brush my teeth now.
Thank you.
I'm so glad we didn't do this at my house.
You know, if you examine what we're doing right now, - just standing here, looking up at the stairs - [DOOR OPENS] I don't think you'd like what it says about us.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH] Um, congratulations on the magazine.
- Bye.
- See ya.
[DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS] [FRONT DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] Well, you did it.
- You rethroupled them.
- Yeah, I did.
[CLINKS] - Welcome to the neighborhood.
- Thank you.
[THE CAVE SINGERS' "BLACK LEAF" PLAYING] Round and round and round and here we go Take me to the river Let me wash my hand He may wanna kill me, then he'll take my soul He may wanna kill me [THUD] Oh, no.
Are you okay? - [LAUGHS] - EMMA: Oh, my God.
NINA: One of the best romantic comedies of our time? SHAUN: Yeah.
It's my mom's favorite movie.
It was kinda rape-y.
Sorry.
Yeah, I don't remember it being that rape-y, but Ivy League there got a little little handsy.
True.
I mean, the whole thing was just weird.
The fact that the guy is a pathological liar? - He's he's one person - Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.
and then he's Rex Stetson, and then he still gets the girl.
I thought that movie was bullshit.
Have you ever listened to Doris Day's Christmas album? How did we get there? NINA: From the time I could run, I chased my dad's car down the street until my mom caught me.
The older I got, the further I got.
It was impressive.
- SHAUN: Did he ever stop? - NINA: No.
My mom said if he stopped, I'd never learn.
Ouch.
That sucks.
Did I tell you I paint? - Definitely not.
- It's highly therapeutic.
I suck at it, though, so I call it "abstract expressionism" because, I mean who's gonna know? So I just Handfuls.
- Just a bunch of that? - I'm going through a Pollock phase right now.
My grandma thinks I'm a genius.
[LAUGHS] - [SHAUN LAUGHS] - What? NINA: Oh, come on.
No, no, no, no, no.
We're sharing.
There's no holding back.
Well, I kinda I kinda sorta want my own bar.
I mean, I've been saving up, and I've got a couple investors that are interested.
That is extremely cool, Shaun.
Okay, say it for real.
SHAUN: Say what? Well, leave out the "kinda sorta" and tell the universe what you want.
I want my own bar.
Lame.
Is that so hard? Yell it.
- [CLEARS THROAT] - [CLEARS THROAT] - I'm holding on.
- [LAUGHS] - I want my own bar! - He wants his own bar! - I want my own fucking bar! - Whoo! MAN: Said every drunk ever! SHAUN: Thank you! - NINA: Move along.
- Nice.
Hey, thanks for never judging me about the escort thing.
I think it just made me feel I don't know, in control? Well, paddling a dude who's wearing a dog collar and nipple clamps, that would do it.
None of us are in control, really.
If you can accept that, it's actually all very exciting.
I I didn't realize how badly I needed a night like this.
Thank you.
[HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE] Go on.
Get it over with.
Jerk the rug out from underneath me.
No.
Not this time.
All right, I, um I got just need to walk away now.
Yep.
You know, if it's a girl [SINGSONGY] we should totally name her Eji.
- [LAUGHS] - How awesome would that be? Yeah, then we can go straight from cutting the cord - to giving her a belly button ring.
- Yeah.
Buy her a little training stripper pole.
[LAUGHS] Foster an addiction to infant cough medicine.
"More sizzurp, Mommy.
" - IZZY: Aw.
- Don't you mean Mommies? Ah, I forgot.
Oh, I will respond to "Mamacita" and "Mamacita" only.
[INHALES DEEPLY] So we're really doing it? Yeah.
Just a guy, his ex, and their girlfriend raising a baby together.
So if it's a girl, and we don't call her Rita, my mother will never speak to any of us ever again, so Oh, seriously, if you do name her Rita and you can't make it 1957, your daughter will never speak to you again.
As long as we avoid plants or herbs.
I have four patients named Sage, three Willows, and a Fern.
- All in therapy? - Yeah, that's exactly my point.
I love Matilda.
[GASPS] I like Matilda.
Yeah, 'cause it can be Maddy, it can be Tilda.
It's like three names in one.
- That's pretty good.
- EMMA: Right? - We should write these down.
- IZZY: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey, what about Riley? He was my first crush when we were 9.
Every time he smiled at me, I heard that "Breakfast Club" song.
Everyone freeze-framed.
- IZZY: I like it.
- Here, here, here.
Matilda.
- And Riley.
I like Riley.
- It tickles.
- JACK: What about Parker? - IZZY: Hmm.
Sounds kinda douchey, but every Parker I know has been a winner.
I like Parker.
Eh, let's keep going.
- Olivia.
- Too popular.
- Jack Jr.
Should've put that first.
- Jack? - No.
- Gotta put that in giant capital letters.
J.
J.
? Uh, fair warning I don't change diapers.
Well, I did once, but I was getting paid double.
- [EMMA LAUGHS] - Oh, that is fucking disgusting.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Okay, well, I already divvied up the baby duties.
And spoiler alert, but your lists are super long.
I already work insane hours at Pinnacle.
And if I make partner, it's gonna be even worse, so Shit.
[SIGHS] Sorry, I didn't I didn't mean to make assumptions.
Oh, we haven't really talked about it, so I was assuming you were coming home, not coming to get us.
[LILY LAUGHS] Ohh, it's a war zone.
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY] - Mm.
It's Hannah's ring.
- [CELLPHONE RINGING, VIBRATING] Can you just say you're dead? Is there a response that says "I'm dead"? Can you do that? I think she's actually really lonely.
Well, that's what happens when you fabricate a husband.
I'm kidding.
Please.
Go ahead.
Feel free.
- [LILY FUSSES, CRIES] - HANNAH: Fuck, yeah! - CALLIE: Fuck yeah! - [LILY GIGGLES] - Never getting that genie back in the bottle.
- Hello? Carmen? - The counselor meetings roll out before us.
- Carmen, hold on to your ovaries.
- Um, not a saying.
- Give it time.
Turns out, hunky printer rep's dad owns the company, and they want in.
Offices, staff, the whole nine.
How amazing! Uh, so ama Are you kidding me? Get your skinny ass over here so we can celebrate! Whoo! - [BEEP] - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God.
Well, uh I guess shit just got real, huh? It's okay.
We'll figure it out.
- Congratulations.
- [WHISPERS] Thank you.
- [CHUCKLES] - Mm.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- [CALLIE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] - I maybe have five minutes.
Well, I only need four, so you can just have a whole minute for the walk of shame over there.
- That's perfect.
- CALLIE: Lily shit on my book.
[WHISPERS] She what? - I got it.
- No, wait.
No, no, no.
Hold on.
You get you get over there and you go celebrate.
I got this.
I'll take care of it.
Go on.
[WHISPERS] So hard to me.
So hard to me.
- [TV CONTINUES PLAYING] - [SCOFFS] - CALLIE: [LAUGHS] Daddy! - Okay! Yes, shit on a book.
Coming! - Can't wait to see.
- [LILY BABBLES] Well, if you get the promotion, you're gonna be making, like, a shit ton of money, right? Like, twice what Jackie makes.
[LAUGHS] If you're trying to bruise my ego, - No? - it's not working.
I'm fully comfortable with however much she's making.
- Is it more than twice as much? - Yeah, a little bit.
Three times as much? Four times? [LAUGHS] - Seriously? - Fuck.
- Testing the limits of my ego.
- [EMMA LAUGHS] And as long as we're being honest, I miss Hawthorne Heights.
What? You never told me that.
I do.
It's interesting.
In what way? In the way that I'd rather sleep under a fucking bridge.
Come on.
How do you not love this place? It's in the middle of fucking everything.
There's tacos downstairs.
Yeah, except for parking and grass and trees and grocery stores or other children.
Uh, well, bonus point for Seattle we could pick out a place together.
Well, this is fucking great, isn't it? 2-person couples have a hard time staying on the same page about stuff like this, like where to live, how to live.
Yeah, but we are a democracy, so we can vote.
- Oh.
- That's true.
We could, like, make presentations, - each of us.
- [EMMA GROANS] - Give it the pluses and minuses.
- [IZZY SNORES] What? How about we explore the more tactile aspects - of an odd-number relationship? - Mmm.
- I second that motion.
- Third! Enough with the talking.
In the shrink world, we call this "avoidance sex.
" Works for me! [LAUGHTER] - Hey.
- What's up? [PURSE THUDS] [SPRAYING] My mind is blown.
The world has turned upside-down.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
- Neen.
- What? Nina! You're cleaning the bar.
[GASPS] [WHISPERS] Oh, my God.
[NORMAL VOICE] What the fuck? Should I go home? - I don't know.
Do you have a fever? - Um [SIGHS] I don't know.
I don't think so.
I'm a little shaky, though.
- Goddamn it.
- What? Well, I'm highly suggestible to panic.
Oh.
Well, maybe you should've thought of that [WHISPERS] before you kissed me.
Yeah, no, you're right.
That makes total fucking sense.
You know what? For both of our sakes, I think I'm just gonna take my break now.
- Yeah, that's that's more like you.
- Yeah.
You deserve it.
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, look at this.
It's half done.
I'm glad this didn't get weird.
[DOOR CREAKS] [DOOR CLOSES] [DOOR CLOSES] - Mmm.
- Mm.
- Squeeze in.
- [BOTH SIGH] [SIGHS] Mm.
Whatcha working on? Everything all at once, as usual.
Never stops.
Kind of running out of excuses.
[TAPS KEYBOARD] I'm pretty sure I'm in Hawaii? Fiji? I don't know.
- Definitely an island.
- [CHUCKLES] You're not in the hospital.
Oh, shit, I'm in the hospital.
That's right.
- Who's that? - [CELLPHONE BUZZING] My dad.
So he's not really crazy about this business.
- You told him already? - Yeah.
I I've [SIGHS] I thought I was telling him about something I did, not something I'm doing.
- Sorry, Dad.
- [LAPTOP CHIMES] - Ugh! - [CHIMING CONTINUES] Go away.
[TYPES] Seems that the world has found us.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES] Okay, enough.
Another text, call, or e-mail, and I'm gonna have to fake a Code Red Wellness Center emergency so I can just be as cool and indispensable as you two.
Fuck! What? [SIGHS] I forgot my meeting with Sasha and her grandma.
- I'm sure she'll be fine, Iz.
- No, she's been let down enough.
She was counting on me, and I I [SIGHS] Fuck.
I got distracted.
- Hey, Iz.
Izzy.
- What? It'll be okay.
You'll figure it out.
- You want a ride? - I I gotta go.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] [BILLIARD BALLS CLACKING] No polish for you.
Sasha, look at me, please.
Hey, can we just skip this part and go straight to you fucking off? I'm so sorry.
I lost track of time Is that really the best you can do? You're right.
All that matters is that I fucked up.
And I swear to God, it'll never happen again.
You got that right.
What happened with your grandma? Nothing good.
Same selfish, crazy cow she always was.
- Well, maybe we could make another appointment - No.
It's done.
Over.
You don't know her like I do, so just let it go.
You can't fix me.
Well, what can I do? You can go away.
[EXHALES SLOWLY] [SIGHS] [BIRDS CHIRPING] [SCREEN UNLOCKS] [TOUCHSCREEN BEEPING] [LINE RINGS] [CELLPHONE RINGS, BEEP] Hey.
I had a revelation.
And you wanna talk about it? Yeah.
I do.
I'm glad you could swing this in.
Izzy's at Directions, and Emma's buried in work.
Ah.
Don't worry about it.
I got the kids sleeping right here.
- It's a nice touch.
- Plus, you saved me from a reddit wormhole of fluppy mythology.
Aren't they all just facets of the human soul? Okay, so I'm the only one that hasn't made that connection? Wait a minute.
Emma's buried at work? I thought she was quitting.
Apparently that's TBD.
I beg your pardon? Yeah.
You know, there's a version of this where we all end up moving to Seattle.
Why in God's name would you move to Seattle? If Emma makes managing partner, she's gonna make, like, a billion dollars.
Okay, but what about you? You okay with that? You're just gonna leave everything? If it was up to me, I'd move back to Hawthorne Heights tomorrow.
- You know that.
- What about Izzy? She wants to move to Seattle? No clue.
We had sex just so we could stop talking about it.
I thought the whole move here was Emma gets pregnant, snaps the fuck out of it, and comes home.
I guess that was the plan originally, but I don't know, man.
I mean, I I guess [BALL BOUNCING] Don't move.
I will not.
I will stay perfectly still.
- I won't even breathe.
- Okay.
I mean, don't leave Portland, Jack.
[SCOFFS] I lost Emma once just because I was too fixated on my version of our life.
I can't do that again.
What if I cry? Will that change anything? It would make me immediately lose all respect for you.
Mm-hmm.
You wanna go back to playing basketball? - I would love that, yeah.
- DAVE: Okay.
[PRONTO'S "I THINK SO" PLAYING] [CLEARS THROAT] - Hey, you're back so soon.
- Yeah.
I somehow I ended up at the zoo.
I'm drunk.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Who squeezes more of a 5-hour break than you, huh? [CHUCKLES] Uh Look, I've, uh, been giving it a lot of thought, and what if you really are Mr.
Right There in Front of Me? Well, how do we find out? Well, we need to kiss again.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I mean, it could've been a fluke, like you closed your eyes and accidentally hit a home run.
I'm so happy to hear you say that, - 'cause I felt like I made solid contact.
- Mm-hmm.
ANDY: Hey.
What's a big, dumb, regretful asshole gotta do to get a drink around here? It's hard to say it's over After being so in love with you Even though I can't get over you 'Cause I'm always sure