You Me Her (2016) s03e08 Episode Script

The Insidious Lure of Pumpkin Spice

1 Previously on "You Me Her" I see you, Nina Martone.
Andy is relentlessly posting photos of him and his dad having a smile-off somewhere in the woods.
Say, has anyone ever written a thesis about excessive cyber stalking of ex-boyfriends? - Iz.
- What? I'm pregnant.
This just feels right.
And I don't wanna fuck it up.
I cannot fuck this up again.
[LAUGHING] - Oh! - Oh, no.
I was gonna sneak out and catch "Pillow Talk" at the Paramount.
And you're welcome to tag along if you want.
Are you seriously asking me on a date right now? Absolutely not.
I already work insane hours at Pinnacle.
And if I make partner, it's gonna be even worse, so I was assuming you were coming home, not coming to get us.
And as long as we're being honest, I miss Hawthorne Heights.
I'd rather sleep under a fucking bridge.
HANNAH: They want in.
Offices, staff, the whole nine.
Oh, my God.
[CHUCKLES] I guess shit just got real, huh? It's okay.
We'll figure it out.
What if you really are Mr.
Right There in Front of Me? - Well, how do we find out? - Hey.
Whoa, fuck, hold up.
Were you guys just about to kiss? Hey.
Andy's back.
[CHUCKLES] He was And now he's standing there right in front of us looking like Looking like he could use a cold beer.
Would you would you like a cold beer, Andy? Yeah, I'm gonna take that as a yes.
No disrespect, uh Oh, it's still Shaun.
[BOTTLE CAP POPS] Yeah, no disrespect, Shaun, but, uh, can I talk to you privately? [SLURPS] Okay.
Good on ya.
Very mature, Nina.
Super adult.
- For a second there, I thought you were gonna - Uhh! Do that.
That that's what I expected.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Lemon water instead of beer.
What brought this on? Don't get all smug.
It's just my regularly scheduled liver cleanse.
[LAUGHS] Okay.
- It's on my iCal.
- Uh-huh.
- Can I see that? - No.
On the phone, you said you had a revelation.
You first, I guess.
Yeah.
I didn't take this project just so you could see me all cleaned up.
And I didn't really call you all those times just to brag about my latest chip.
Okay, well, maybe a little.
But mostly, um, I came here because I wanted to make sure that all those things I was doing back then didn't Ruin me? Yeah, something like that.
And if you were hurting, I wanted to do anything and everything I could to make it better.
What's wrong? Well, Emma's back.
And she's pregnant.
And we're together again, the three of us.
- Jack's wife? - Ex-wife.
- She's pregnant? - Mm-hmm.
- And and Jack's the father? - Yeah.
She's keeping it.
[SCOFFS] So what does that make you? We were together when it happened.
So the baby is ours, not just theirs.
Jesus, Isabelle.
- Excuse me? - Please just listen to me.
It is only a matter of time before those two gravitate back to the world that they know, to the way things were.
How long are you gonna live their life instead of your own? Are those boots? What? Are those boots? Yeah.
Yeah, these are the boots that I didn't get you for your 17th birthday.
Only, um, a lot better.
What? [SCOFFS] - Wow.
- Goddamnit, Izzy.
How many times am I gonna have to run after you? - I'm just trying to - Save me? Is that what you think I need? - What did I do? - You didn't miss my 17th birthday, Ben.
- What are you talking about? - Oh, God.
You were drunk already when we met for lunch at a skank ass bar.
You'd been AWOL for about, I don't know, a month.
You looked so sick, it scared the hell out of me.
You bought me boots.
Wrong ones, wrong size.
Downed about 4 double vodkas in 20 minutes and then promptly dropped off the edge of the earth until about this time last year.
Maybe my life isn't what you expected 'cause it sure as hell is not what I expected.
But I'm not broken.
Not like you were.
So if you came here to save me, you shouldn't have fucking come at all.
[DOOR CLOSES] [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, LAUGHTER] - JACK: Here it comes.
Yes.
- Aw.
What am I looking at here? Is this, uh UFO footage? Come on.
- Oh.
- I'm kidding.
- You guys did good.
- Guys, congratulations.
- [GLASSES CLINK] - Are you kidding me? You've been through it three different times but [LAUGHS] - Hey! - How many kids do you have? I forget.
Hey.
How long have you been there? Sorry, I just had a really weird meeting with my dad, so I'm just still a little, like, ah.
[LAUGHS] - Are you okay? - What happened? She had a meeting with her dad? - We can talk about it later.
- Just sit down.
I'll get you a glass.
Okay.
Iz, this wasn't a planned thing.
No, we were downtown and hadn't seen the sonogram yet.
- Huh? - Should I be mad? I caught you guys having wine and cheese, - not an orgy.
- [LAUGHTER] It's amazing, right? - I'm I'm good.
- Okay.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
[DISH CLATTERS] Kind of looks like a gnocchi.
- [LAUGHS] - Six weeks.
- It's pretty accurate.
- Yeah.
Hey, so Izzy, will you be joining us as we celebrate our hard-fought independence tomorrow? What? Isn't isn't that the 4th of July? Did you guys move it when I wasn't looking? Ah.
No, this is when Hawthorne Heights was incorporated, when we escaped the brutal tyranny of Raleigh Hills.
- Yes, my liege.
- [LAUGHTER] See, Izzy? We still day drink even after selling our souls for better schools and lower crime.
Yes, we just make up ludicrous holidays as an excuse.
- [GLASSES CLINK] - Love you, babe.
- You have to come.
- Mm.
Unfortunately, I have a shift at Directions.
Oh.
And then probably a feels like a [CLEARS THROAT] bad cold? You don't have to come.
It's okay.
I know it's not your thing.
- Unless you actually wanna go? - Hmm? Did you say something? Uh-oh.
It means the cold's barreling through.
Hey, you know, for future reference, if you really wanna sell it, you gotta you gotta almost, like, abrade your esophagus.
- [CLEARS THROAT] - Yeah.
Uh-huh.
[BOTH CLEARING THROATS] That, I buy.
You have a Master's degree? Excellent.
That's actually something we insist upon for our nanny.
Our toddler and pre-toddler crave elevated discourse.
I will bring my "A" game.
- Maybe we'll start a book club.
- [LAUGHTER] Wow.
Great crowd.
You know, if you hire me, I'm literally here all week.
Oh.
We have seen a lot of clunkers.
Yeah, it's pretty grim out there, right? Hear it all the time.
So French Lit.
My employment possibilities are infinite.
My parents were thrilled.
Why don't you teach? I like to think I do.
So obviously, you speak Francais? Oui.
Je parle couramment et j'aimerais aider vos enfants à apprendre.
Okay, I don't know what you just said, but your very existence makes me wish we had 11 more kids.
[LAUGHS] I said, yes, I am fluent.
And I would be thrilled to teach your children, - if you're okay with that.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY] I'm only semi-fluent, though, in Spanish.
Sorry.
- That is so disappointing.
- So when can you start? - Tomorrow? - Okay, what's the catch? You're either a slaver or a cannibal.
Does it have to be just one? Okay.
This is officially one of the three best days of my life.
Honey, we have two kids.
Are you saying this is better than our wedding day? You got shitfaced, grinded on my great-aunt, when she was 80, so yes.
It's one of the three best days of her life, - I'll tell you that right now.
- [LAUGHS] She's laughing at my jokes, honey.
- You see that? She laughs at my jokes.
- I heard that, sweetie, yes.
Anyway, on to the tawdry details, my rate is $40 an hour, minimum five hours per day, five days per week.
Time and a half after 6.
Hello? Are you guys still with me? Guess we know why you don't teach.
I tell you what, why don't you write ads for skin tag cream and I'll do your job? Better pay, shorter commute.
[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS] It's funny 'cause it's true.
Au revoir.
[EXHALES SHARPLY] Okay, so what about the law student? Um Josh or Jake.
The kid that showed up drunk - and eye fucked you the entire time? - Yeah, yeah, that that one.
[EXHALES SHARPLY] We can start looking at daycares.
[KISSES] [SIGHS] Thank you.
Mm.
Hey.
[KISSING] - Why are you dressed? - Breakfast.
Wanna come? What time is it? It's almost 9.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Come back to bed.
Everybody knows breakfast doesn't start till noon.
We're going to Trough.
It's, like, the place in Hawthorne Heights.
We used to eat there every Sunday.
Oh, if it's called Trough, how can it not be super cool? [CHUCKLES] It is.
The wait staff looks down on everybody like they can just barely tolerate you.
- It's awesome.
- Well, there's, um, there's an open thesis workshop at 10.
I should go, too.
Four pages of the menu are devoted just to pancakes.
- Mm.
- Four.
It's hard to resist.
[WHISPERS] Four.
- Damnit.
- What? I'm intrigued.
- Oh, she's coming.
- Nice.
Morning.
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE] You look like shit, - and I mean that literally.
- Uh-huh.
You know, it started with this chick that I'm in love with gut punched me.
Then there was a lot of, uh, I wanna say rum.
I'm pretty sure the pirate part was a dream, though.
You know, woke up woke up here roughly 10 seconds ago.
That's, uh, that's a great story.
Bye-bye.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Please.
- I appreciate it, okay? Thank you.
- For what? - Showing up so I can double you over.
The terror in your eyes before you caught your breath was so fulfilling.
- Well, it's not exactly - Look, I have a thesis workshop, like, one minute ago.
So this is where we part ways forever, okay? I'm gonna wish you the best, while secretly hoping that you stumble off a curb - into the path of a speeding bus.
- Wait.
I'm depressed.
Yeah, a speeding bus should clear that right up.
I stopped the meds, like, four years ago, which is around the time that the serial monogamy thing started.
You know, tap into the romance rush and then cut and run as soon as it wears off.
Where did you go? Salem.
My parents' house.
Fine.
Outside Dennis Hall in an hour.
- Thank you.
- And for fuck's sake, take a shower.
Will do.
I'm gonna sit back I'm gonna sit back down for a minute.
- Did we step back in time or what? - Mm.
- It's exactly how I remember it.
- [CHUCKLES] - How old is this place again? - Uh, two, three years? Oh, wow.
It's like I'm bathing in history.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Hey, there she is.
You're back.
Awesome.
This place is lit today.
Am I right? - Off the hizook.
- What is he doing? No, it's just These people next to us are, like, super extra, too.
I don't know if you've seen 'em.
Hey, so can we not? Because I'm super hungover.
She's playing a role.
Would you like to take our order? Am I standing by your table with a pen and a notepad? - Well, fuck me, then.
- [LAUGHS] Oh, you're so good at that.
I will have the uzhe.
Stands for the "usual.
" We will both have the chocolate chip blueberry pancakes and a side of bacon.
Thank you.
- That's right.
- And I will have the same.
[SIGHS] We have such a good thing going on, she and I.
We have this, like, dry banter back and forth.
- I don't know if you guys noticed.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- I'm sure she sees it the same way, too, babe.
Hey, I'm really glad you came.
I'm making an effort.
And also, I'm gonna come by Hawthorne Day.
I'm bringing Nina for moral support, but I'll be there.
Oh, cool.
- All right.
- All right.
Right.
I don't know why I expected otherwise.
What are you talking about? Mm.
Just the first time the three of us have been out together here.
No, that that's not true.
Yep, just look at anybody, anybody in this room.
[MURMURING] You know this wouldn't happen downtown.
We can take a vote now.
I vote for downtown.
I'm gonna say something.
No, we should say it together, you know? - Like a solidarity thing.
- No, you guys, please.
- Do not do not do that.
- I'm with unicorn here.
Don't make it weird.
Thank you.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] She is awesome.
Yeah, she's on fleek.
Oh, God.
Did you go on Urban Dictionary before we got here? Because I, like Do you even know what that is? - Yeah, it's when if somebody comes into a room.
- No.
- No.
- You give them like a salute.
What? Hope you're happy.
Your stupid abs broke my hand.
Seriously? Probably not, but it hurts.
I'm sorry.
Why didn't you tell me? That I've been doing a lot of crunches? About your weird self-treatment program.
I didn't figure it out until I lost you.
[SCOFFS] Okay, you didn't lose me, Andrew.
You choreographed a series of bullshit arguments ramping to a breakup.
Usual pattern? More or less, yeah.
The difference is what happened after.
I, uh, I got drunk.
Did that sound more likely to inspire sympathy in your head? For five days.
Woke up in the hospital, and my parents had to come and take me home.
Then what? Got up one morning, my Pops already had my backpack filled.
Meds included.
Spent a couple weeks camping.
Well, that explains the weird woodsy selfies.
Yeah.
So so wait, you're telling me that that women stopped working as your anti-depressants - because - Because I fell in love for real.
Fucking it up with you, it ran me off the rails, over the cliff, and I, uh So what? I take you back or you off yourself? Really? You're gonna drop all your shit on top of my shit? I just want you to know what I said that night, I, um It's not me, it's you? Yeah, there's nothing wrong with you.
You are absolutely perfectly Nina Martone.
That's pretty fucking amazing.
Uh, I am super late for work.
And for the sake of my exit, let's just both pretend I care about that.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna need a beat to process this, okay? Yeah, definitely, definitely.
Nice ass.
- Too soon.
- Okay.
Hey! How's that hand, Rocky? It's fine.
It hurts.
I, uh, I can't even make a decent fist.
Yeah, well, that's that's probably for the best.
Here, let's see.
[ICE RATTLES] [CHUCKLES] You're being weird.
How am I being weird? I'm icing your hand.
Say something.
[WHISPERS] About what? About the fact that we were roughly an inch from kissing again when Andy Cutler strolled back into the movie.
Oh, that.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, I know, I totally blocked that out.
I mean, that seems like ages ago now, right? Well, apparently losing me put him in a straitjacket.
Does that make you feel better? A little.
A lot.
Is it just me or did he get smaller? - Do you know? He looked anemic.
He looked ill.
- [LAUGHS] I mean, he just curdled, I mean, he Okay, okay, on a scale from 1 to 10 with the options being 9 or 10, how jealous are you right now? - Me? - Yeah.
- Jealous? - Yeah.
Of that little sad waif you bitch beat yesterday? - Mm-hmm.
- Come on.
You beat up a waif? Why? Actually, don't tell me.
You can tell me on the way to Hawthorne Heights.
- Hi, Shaun.
- Oh, shit.
Sorry, Iz.
- What? - I I can't go.
I didn't have time to formulate an excuse, but I just remember that I hate it there.
You wanna go to a super fun party.
- I do.
- He doesn't.
- I don't? - He does.
- Now? - Yes.
You got this, right, bud? Can we at least make fun of them? - Why wouldn't we? - Fine.
[MARCH PLAYING] [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] It was like a war movie.
There was just explosions in the air as far as the eye can see.
We were taking heavy fire.
It was total chaos.
People hiding behind trees and shielding their children.
In my memory, everything was in slow motion.
There was a kind of a dramatic soundtrack playing in the background.
And I dropped to my knees like Willam Dafoe at the end of "Platoon" with the silent scream.
Yeah, but that actually happened.
I mean, you really did that.
- I did? - Yep.
And that, Hannah, is why we no longer incorporate fireworks - into Hawthorne Day.
- [LAUGHS] - I'm talking about Jack.
- Yeah, we get it, man.
Thanks.
Man, I'm feeling a little bit on the outside looking in here.
Oh, no, no, just just laugh when everybody else laughs.
And then eventually we'll all assume you were here.
No, I mean, it must be intimidating with all this history, but you'll find your place.
Or not.
No, you will.
I mean time will tell.
Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, yeah.
I mean, it's kind of like leaving a paper trail on your way north and burning all your numbers, and then just trying to drop back in like it never happened.
No, but like you said, time will tell so Uh, is this over me? Like a friendship triangle? Because I will milk the shit out of it.
Okay.
I miss this.
I miss this place.
I miss you guys.
I miss pretty much all of it.
You know your unabashed sincerity is kind of making me uncomfortable.
Not as uncomfortable as that Castro beard is making me.
Castro beard? There's my guy.
How long have you had that in the hopper? - Tip of the hat.
- Tip of the just - [LAUGHTER] - Sorry I got the bigger hat, too.
It's okay.
I got the bigger penis.
Hey, the Wilbergs are putting their place up on the market.
So if you ever decide that a third story loft with no elevator is not the ideal way to raise a child I bet I could get you guys in for an advanced screening.
Hey, speaking of screening, you know, we could probably finally figure out if the legends are true and they really have a 4K stereo surround sound Dolby digital theater system in their basement! My God! Wow.
Do you guys need some alone time or - It's fine.
- Just really love technology.
Oh, I get excited.
So what do you say, Trakarskys, do you wanna check it out? Izzy said she'd rather sleep under a bridge.
I don't think a home theater system's gonna sway her.
I mean, we can check it out, right? What's the harm in that? [CLEARS THROAT] You look lost Are you looking for the party? I'm looking for my girlfriend.
Or maybe my ex-girlfriend.
I'm not really sure anymore.
Kylie.
Izzy.
- JACK: God, I love that house.
- DAVE: What's not to love? I'd live there.
Well, fuck.
[FOREVER" PLAYING SOUSA'S "STARS AND STRIPES]