You Me Her (2016) s04e01 Episode Script

Triangular Peg, Meet Round Hole

1 Last season on "You Me Her" - [APPLAUSE] - It's really happening.
KYLIE: It is our two-month anniversary.
EMMA: The things I'm gonna do to you when we get home EMMA: Uh, so, this is a bit awkward, but you postponed the last two scheduled signings, and I just want to make sure that we're still on for Monday.
Tell Kylie and pop some corks.
Are you sure that you left for the right reasons? And you're still getting divorced Monday - and driving back to Seattle? - Yes.
I texted Emma that Jack and I would be out of the loft all day so she could come deal with all the shit that we've been storing.
Did Izzy not know you'd be here? Of course she knew I'd be here.
I think she wants us to scream and throws things at each other.
What the fuck? What the three of us did here was special.
I told you, Izzy, this was a mistake.
If you walk out that door, don't call.
You are dead to me.
Well, congratulations.
You're pregnant.
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
You have a right to know.
IZZY: Why is she here again? She was at a meeting.
So why is my Spidey sense screaming that something weird's going down? What the fuck are you doing here? Yellow roses, the official flower of apology.
Em, what really matters is, what do you want? I want this baby.
And I want my husband.
And Izzy.
- glad that you'll be - Iz! - What?! - I'm pregnant.
And I'm keeping it.
I'm aware of how acutely fucked up this must seem.
And seven months ago, I would've thought the same thing.
She is never gonna feel permanent in your world with your kid.
JACK: Actually, that's exactly what we were discussing on the way home.
We wanna make it official.
Wouldn't be my first Poly Commitment Ceremony.
If any one of us tries to leave again, there's no coming back.
I hereby now pronounce you spiritually, soulfully, and lovingly committed to one another forever and ever.
- Whoo! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [WOMAN VOCALIZING] [SNORING] When you can't think maybe Weighed down from the gridlock and the city sounds Throw your hands in the air and just wave 'em around You'll be fine in the middle when your energy's out When you can't sleep and it's still dark Get a front piece in a brick wall 'Cause I won't be mad at the end of the day Just knowing that you moved in a beautiful way All you got to do is keep moving Keep moving Oh-oh, oh-oh All you got to do is keep moving Keep moving on Keep moving All you got to do is keep moving - [ALARM CHIMES] - Ah.
[SIGHS] Dear God, why is it so bright? It's called morning.
Happens almost every day here in lovely Hawthorne Heights.
What do you say we, uh, break this little sex slump before the nausea kicks in? - Okay.
- Mm, too late.
Just, um, start without me! Ugh.
So, our pregnant wife just told us to have sex - while listening to her barf.
- [EMMA COUGHING] I've never been so aroused.
Come closer and bring your penis.
- [SMOOCHES] - [TOILET FLUSHES] - Coffee? - Yeah.
Thank you.
Watch out for these.
- That's a household calamity waiting to happen.
- My boots? - How the hell did those get there? - I don't know.
You think maybe, like, a burglar came in and tried on your boots and then used your toothbrush? It's the only thing I can think of.
Very funny.
Should we change the locks? - [GROANS] - Poor baby maker.
I'll get you tea.
Okay, I am officially the anchor in this relationship.
Just, you know, cut me loose.
I won't be bitter.
That's nonsense, honey.
You are the wind and the sails.
God, at least soothe me credibly.
- That was pretty good.
- Hey, you know, there's more to life than sex, weed, and booze.
[SMOOCHES] - No way.
I know.
It sounded very strange to me, too, but exhibit "A.
" Iz, that's really sweet, but you must be so bored.
I mean, good thing you work downtown so you can grab a drink with Shaun and Nina, right? Yeah.
Besides, traffic is a real bitch when I get off my shift at Directions, so it works out.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
And sometimes it stays bitchy till, what, like, 2:07, 3:00 in the morning, - depending on the night? - Yeah.
Wait a minute.
So you're saying that a burglar didn't come in - and use her boots and her toothbrush? - [GASPS] So, have you guys just been getting your jollies off at my expense? Hey, babe, seriously, just do your thing.
Actually, we all need to do our things.
We're talking about masturbation, right? [CHUCKLES] Uh, I've been doing some research, and it is becoming glaringly obvious that we're doing poly, like, all wrong.
Did you know that trying to do everything in threes, especially sex, is a [WHISTLES] poly foul? That's very clever.
Thank you.
But please don't ever do it again.
So this mean you guys are cool with me meeting Nathan Malik for happy hour? - Nathan from Hawthorne School? - Yeah.
He went through a nasty divorce, and I figured I could give him some support.
Plus, Dave's not around.
He's on his stupid book tour, so Yeah, I guess you don't really have that many guy friends, huh? - Yes, I do.
- Who? - Uh, guy friends? - Mm.
- Dave.
- Yeah, you have Dave.
- He's a good friend.
- Yeah.
Yeah, but didn't he just, like, come along with Carmen? Like, buy this now and get this furry little rascal for free? And G Gabe.
Well, he's he's your brother, - so that's different.
- And a friend.
Very good friend.
Um, so, the baby doc appointment is Tuesday, right? Yeah, the ninth.
- What, the ninth? - Yeah.
- T today is the ninth.
- Shit.
Yeah, how is it Tuesday already? - We got to get going, guys.
Come on.
- Yeah.
[CELLPHONE RINGS] It's Helen Wilberg.
No, we're s We're definitely still interested, so Okay.
Well, thank you for the heads-up.
We We will.
- That is not optimal.
- What? Somebody put a full-price offer on this house.
She's gonna do us a landlord solid and give us 72 hours to match it.
Looks like the Hawthorne Heights decision window - just got a whole lot smaller.
- Mm.
Could this morning be any more stressful? Dude! Ooh, don't say that.
Guys, that's not a thing.
I didn't just "hex" us.
- I'm having what?! - Calm down.
They're twins, normal human girls, not aliens or devil children.
You said you wanted two kids, right? So you knocked 'em out with one swing.
Yeah, I did.
A month ago, there was just one.
Check again.
Check again! Little sister was hiding.
Give her the weird ancestor name.
Vengeance is yours.
Are you okay? Oh, I mean, come on.
I'm sorry.
It's just [SIGHS] I mean, God damn it.
There's too much estrogen in this room, I guess.
I know feelings are hard.
So would it help to clumsily explain things that we already know in this room? No.
It's unbelievable.
You know that fetuses require estrogen? To grow.
Whether they're male or female.
In fact, twins require not two times as much, but three times as much.
Thanks, Jack.
There it is.
Carm, you know I'd love to watch the girls, - but, um, the doc said I have bed rest.
- "Bed rest"? I didn't hear her say "bed rest.
" Ooh, you better sharpen up your lying skills there, Em.
It's a vital part of parenting.
- My God, you're having twins! - Yeah, I heard.
Hey, you know what's a perfect training for raising two girls? Two girls.
Carm, I seriously wanna help, I do, but if I want to nail this interview tonight, I gotta prep like crazy, and, you know, you are the one who said, "Can't work at home with kids," so Wait, you're still doing that after what the doctor said? Remember? With your history and your advanced ag Based mostly on your history, we need to be careful, right? Carmen, would you like a coffee? - I would love one.
- Great.
But let's just take a beat to get real, okay? Because, right now, we wouldn't qualify for a bicycle loan.
And you know what's more expensive than one kid? - Let me guess: Two kids? - Yeah.
So unless Mr.
Academia or Ms.
Nonprofit have any other ideas Uh, hey, sorry.
Did I black out and we voted to buy this place and [WHISTLING] Poly foul.
No voting.
Reinforces couples privilege.
- She does that now? - She does.
It's super fun.
Poly foul! Oh, you see? They listen.
They're good sounding boards.
So, Em, did we decide to buy this place and I missed it? What happened to, um, you know [DEEP VOICE] "It's good for now.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Buys us time to see if you really hate it or really, really hate it here.
" Is that Is that me or him? - I can't tell.
- Yeah, it's a terrible impression.
- [NORMAL VOICE] Oh, it's - You got to work on your skills.
It's EmJack.
It's a composite.
Okay, well, listen, we'll talk Hawthorne Heights pros and cons tonight, okay? - That sounds like so much fun.
- Yeah.
You should come, Carm.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Bye, babe.
Will you at least take a nap? No.
Not tired.
- [DOOR CLOSES] - Well, I'm just gonna put this in a travel mug 'cause I need the caffeine on my way to work, and Okay, Carm, I can't take the guilt.
Just please sedate them and tell them not to shit or talk till you get back.
Nah, I'll exploit an intern.
But you damn well better knock it out of the park tonight.
Come here.
Oh, my God, tell me something so I feel a little less crazy.
Well, work has been insane, I'm still waiting to hear about The Portland Byline Award nomination, which I damn well better get because it's a circle jerk with a million hyper-specific categories, and so everybody, including the plumber, gets a nomination, and, oh and I hate my husband.
Do you wanna know why? Because it took him like two minutes to sell a socially significant children's book while already basking in sexist and hyperbolic acclaim for tending to his own children? Or for selling said book when you're the writer in the family, then going on a cushy West Coast tour while you slowly spiral into madness? What kind of witch are you? The kind who's a really good listener and loves your scrambled eggs with smoked salmon and cream cheese? [BABY VOICE] Pwease, will you make you some? Did you just try to baby talk me into cooking for you? - Did it wook? - [SIGHS] If you weren't pregnant [NORMAL VOICE] Marry me! Stop proposing to everybody who's nice to you.
You're not wrong.
[LAUGHS] Sorry.
One more time.
[CLEARS THROAT] [LAUGHING] Oh, man, and this this happened right after you found out you have three days to decide on Hawthorne Heights? Okay, give me the picture, or else it's a double titty twister.
You're never gonna find my nipples in this bra.
Anyway, I've got a session.
You wrecked it.
"I've got a session.
" I never thought I'd actually be saying that as the therapist and not the patient.
Like Are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
SHAUN: Definitely no mirror behind the bar.
- Well, you're the boss, boss.
- Yeah.
This is that place where you come to get away from that shit, you know? They leave their insecurities, their hang-ups at the door.
No mirrors in the bathrooms, either.
- What? - Can I get an amen, people? - No.
- Mm, no mirrors means your demo is uggos hiding from their own reflections, and even uggos don't wanna look at other uggos, so assuming you wanna stay open for more than five minutes? There will be mirrors, ma babe.
There'll be mirrors, ma babe.
After the insensitive word salad, you called him "ma babe.
" - I did.
- Hi.
- Mm! - This guy, eh? Entrepreneurship's brought out his BDE.
- Dad, don't.
- His Big - Don't say that.
- Big Dorky Energy.
That's not what it stands for.
Mm, this guy could have a whole bouquet of dicks, and he'd still be my slave, so - Dicks.
- [CLEARS THROAT] - Later, bitches.
- Okay.
[HAND SLAPPING] C'mon, puppy.
You're driving me.
- Don't fall for that.
- No.
If you start falling for that now, - you're never gonna get out of it.
- Dude, dude, dude! Do And you're gonna be driving her for years.
- [GASPS] - Okay.
Suck it, Silvas! Okay, th that is disturbing.
- You get used to it.
- I need a coffee.
So, what's the 411, kiddo? You seem distracted.
Directions put me on part time budget cuts.
And now, with two kids on the way and Emma still looking for a job, it's Whatever.
Tell me.
I get it.
It makes perfect sense to buy the Wilberg house and raise the girls there.
But it kind of feels like we're just circling back around to living their life instead of mine.
- Right? - What's the alternative? Some weird, woodsy poly-commune? Hmm? Dragging them off to another suburb just to prove that you can? You know, I miss you walking on eggshells, - trying to win me over.
- Iz.
It's not just their house.
That's their home, right? With their best friends living across the street and their two little girls.
They built a good life there, where everybody knows your name.
What's happening? "Cheers.
" Okay.
Answer me this: Are you still in love with them? More than ever.
Then you need to figure a way to love their life, too.
Are you trying to mike-drop me right now? Mm.
So amazing.
Um hold on.
I'm just looking for a pen.
God, I buy twenty, and they disappear.
I think we have a ghost.
[CHUCKLES] Or there's nothing supernatural afoot, and I just have a weird habit of storing pens all over my body.
[CLATTER] [MUTTERING] Hello? You still there? Fuck! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, guys.
- Busy day at work? - Well You look a little, uh gorgeous.
That's the word I was gonna say "gorgeous.
" I look a little gorgeous.
- Yeah.
- Thanks? - Oh.
- Um, you try, you know Honey, they got me this French press.
It's great.
It is, like, some of the best coffee I ever had.
And check this out, huh? Look.
Can you see this? Can you see that? That's a That's a an Edible Arrangement.
Looks like a little pineapple in the shape of flowers.
You ever seen that? I'm gonna go crazy on that thing.
Uh, why fruit? Did you tell them that travel constipates you? You don't have to tell everybody everything, David.
Hey, are you mad at me? I feel like I'm sensing - that you're a little - Mad? Why would I be mad? - I I should be proud.
- Should be proud.
So you're saying you're not - you're not proud of me? - Uh, so, where are you now? Like, what city? Uh, I am in Oh, boy, I can't even keep track.
Oh, Sacramento.
Man, I'm like a rock star, just moving around the country.
"Good morning, Sacramento!" [COMPUTER CHIMES] What else is going on? Where are the girls? Uh, I locked them in a supply closet.
Oh, good, good.
That's good.
Closet's good.
There's a lot of space, probably.
- - It's big.
There's a window.
Oh, perfect.
That's all they need.
- - They're like plants.
- - [SIGHS] I miss you.
- - Um, it's been great.
Tell you, it's a little stressful, though, 'cause they keep asking about Books Two and Three, you know? I keep trying to give off the impression that I'm, like, this genius full of ideas, but I'm mysterious and enigmatic.
Don't know how long I can pull that off.
I mean, I came up with the first book idea when I was watching a "Fluppies" marathon, hammered on rosé.
- So maybe I should re-create that whole type of magic.
- Ha ha ha ha! That's a funny story, babe.
Is it breaking up on your end, too? Uh, no.
You're coming in perfectly.
Free zing.
Can't hear boop - Uh - Honey, you're you're clearly faking.
I just saw Scotty wave at me.
I sound like I'm gonna wash her liver down with a good Chianti.
Babe, where to start? Oh, my God.
Is it the flannel or the jacket or the boots? Yes, yes, yes, yes, and hard yes.
You were Nathan's mentor, okay? That dynamic never really changes.
[SIGHS] What about you? You nervous? Ain't no thing.
Just need to correctly pronounce French menu items while trying to decide whether I let her know I'm pregnant or let her think it's a [FRENCH ACCENT] bière bell-ey.
- Mm, when you go all French.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- IZZY: Yay! You're open for business again? Wow.
We will talk about that later.
I'm open for selfless service to relax me before my interview.
Uh, pass, but I have a gift.
- Aww.
- It's symbolic.
Pumpkin spice.
The official shit candle of Hawthorne Heights.
- Oh, that's the good stuff.
- Starting to get the human feces pumpkin spice connection.
- Pregnancy.
- Okay.
Over the next few days, I'm going to sincerely try to shed my prejudices and love the 'burbs.
- Like, totally buy the T-shirt.
- Mm, there really is a I'm not gonna buy the T-shirt, Jack, but, um, I'm gonna get a real job with a real salary so I can help us get the loan for the house.
- Isabelle Silva, you are - Wait, wait, wait.
There's more.
Drum roll, please! [HANDS TAPPING RAPIDLY] Okay.
There's a gas leak, and I'm the only one with a mask.
Okay, here it is: It is almost the one-year anniversary of the day I showed up at your front door like a weirdo, so I'm planning my first bougie suburban blowout! Ha! A night to forget, assuming I get properly wasted, which I can pretty much guarantee.
[LAUGHS] Come here.
What's got you all frisky? - You, making an effort.
- I am.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, when I want some, I clean the kitchen.
- Oh, really? - Oh, yeah.
- So hot.
- Is it? So sexy.
Let's relax before your interview.
Mm! Mm.
- I can't.
Seriously, I can't.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I have to leave in like 10 minutes.
I know that sounds like the dog ate my libido, but - No, no, it's fine.
- Yeah, we're good.
- Whenever you're ready.
- No.
No, I am gonna walk out that door, and you two are gonna do the nasty.
[POPS LIPS] But, seriously, get weird because only having sex in threes is a poly foul! - [WHISTLES] - She's still doing that.
[LAUGHS] It was never gonna happen, but then she did Yeah, she totally ruined it with that hand-gesture thing.
- Later.
- Yeah.
So, going out with one of my many male friends.
Gonna have some beezos with ma brah.
Oh, hey, um, P.
S No one says that.
So just just don't.
Also, if you plan on having sex with me ever again, you need to take off these clothes now.
- What's wrong with this? - I care.
I care.
He-e-e-y, yo Let's go He-e-e-y [PIANO MUSIC PLAYS, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] [CLEARS THROAT] Well, turns out there really is a Pinot Grigio bar that serves nothing but Pinot Grigio.
I did not know that.
Um, I mean, it is called "Grigio.
" Yeah, I just thought it was Mexican.
You know, um, I was I was drunk most of the summer after Jess left and then gave up all booze except white because what man really wants to binge white wine? Yeah, or drink it at all.
[LAUGHS] Uh, I'm just messing with you.
- That's it.
- All right, man.
You know, divorce laid me out, man.
Um, but now I'm getting my act together, really taking the wheel.
That was one of the books I read.
[LOUDLY] "Take the Wheel!!!" Ooh.
Do you have to yell it? Well, it's got three exclamation points, so - Makes sense.
- Yeah.
Anything else you had to give up? Uh, yeah, actually.
Uh, uh, red meat, then meat of every hue.
Uh, carbs, sugar, weed, television.
Replaced that all with gallons of water, at least an hour of cardio a day, meditation, deep breathing Jesus.
So much self-flagellation.
You know, um, I got nuked.
And, uh, it was the opposite of mutual.
So I won't be offended if you find someone else for ManFest 2019.
[SIGHS] You know, my dad was a man among men, right? He just really knew how to hang.
He Whenever his posse came over for a basketball game or something, he was You could just tell he was the top dawg.
You know, like everywhere he was was the center of the room.
That's, uh great? [LAUGHS] I'm sorry.
I've just been thinking a lot about my dad lately since I'm about to be one.
- Right.
- Mm.
Maybe we can help each other.
Okay, yeah.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
To manhood.
[GULPS] Yes! Ah-ha, the burn! Mm! That's some wicked fucking Greezhe right there.
Yeah, you're, uh, ahem, not supposed to You know what's even better than a white-wine bar? - Hmm? - Absolutely everything.
[LAUGHS] - Okay.
But especially a bar that hasn't opened yet.
Yeah, I know a place.
I think one of my wives is there.
What? AMY: Emma, your qualifications are impeccable.
Your references gave glowing reports, with the exception of Dani Monro, who called you a traitorous pervert, but she says that about everybody.
Your portfolio speaks for itself.
However, I am left wondering one thing.
How I managed to kick this much professional butt in 27 short years? S sorry.
I, um I got a little over my skis there.
Um, I'm really nervous.
- Sure.
- I'm not really 27.
What? No way.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] So, just tell me about your work-life balance.
[CHUCKLES] Come on, Amy.
I get it.
I get it.
You're hesitant to hire anyone who's in the family way for such a high-level position.
You know, can't risk me bailing six months in.
But, um, well, once I have the girls - What's that? - Huh? You said "girls.
" Plural.
Uh I'm having twins.
Yeah, but Jack and Izzy Wait.
Izzy? You already have a kid? Hello? [CHUCKLES] Sorry.
I just realized that this interview is gonna go a whole lot better if I just stop talking.
You're not at home, alphabetizing the spice rack? You're here with Shaun and Nina? - Hey, babe.
- What a surprise.
- What are you doing here? - Hey.
- Hey.
Mmmm! - Nice T-shirts, hoss.
Going for the whole Douchebag-Jason-Bateman - in- "Juno" look? No, this is actually the T-shirt-on-T-shirt look is back in vogue, I'll have you know.
- Mnh.
- You shoulda seen what he was gonna wear.
It was It was very bad.
So, is this this is your new brah? Yeah.
This is one of my many male friends, Nathan.
Nathan, Izzy.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Your hubby hired me as a counselor at The Hawthorne School, and, uh, now I'm doing his job better than he ever did.
- Mmmm! - Ooh! NINA: Ooh! Super impressive.
Oh, by the way, um, Carlton from "Fresh Prince" called, and he wants his sweet pink sweater back.
Oh, well, I mean, it it's not pink.
It's It's Sunset Rose, - and it was actually very expensive, so - Don't even bother.
You'll just make it worse with her, right? - Yeah.
- Yep.
Izzy is also a shrink.
- She works with troubled teens at Directions.
- Oh.
Well, barely, since the budget cuts, but, yes, I am.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
And, I mean, if you weren't currently doing drugs, I would ask if you were interested in the fulfilling world of education.
Mm, thanks, but you can keep your, uh, entitled rich kids with their faux damage, and I will continue saving the world in just 18 hours a week.
[CHUCKLES] Would you like some? No, I am good, thank you.
I can't.
Said every man who paid too much for a Sunset Rose sweater.
I can.
Hello, old friend.
NINA: Oh, shit! You guys made it! - Awesome! - Hey! SHAUN: Hey! Drinks are on the house! But only 'cause I can't legally charge you for them yet.
Who wants shots? Yeah? - Oh, yeah.
- Go for it.
SHAUN: Straight for the top shelf, huh? Nothing but the best for all these non-paying customers.
Have at it.
Mm! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Big Dog's off his leash! Don't just stand there.
Bust a move.
- Hey, check it out.
- [NAIL GUN FIRES] - Shit! - Nailed it! - Babe, put it down.
- No.
That's a hard no, John McClane.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
So, uh, what're you drinking? Oh, you know, I'll have a club s It's fine.
You know, I I've already had my limit of Pinot Grigio, so That sentence is gonna is gonna haunt you for a while.
- Mm.
- Hey, for shits and giggles, why don't you just pitch me this job? Maybe I'll be interested.
Well, there it is, that unearned twentysomething arrogance.
You know, if I didn't currently have a stack of résumés from way more qualified candidates than you who never once really dissed this wonderful sweater, I You're not listening - I wouldn't hire you.
- [GROUP CHEERING] - Whoo-hoo! - Here's the floss.
MAN: Whoo! Whoo! Wow.
Uh, this is gonna end poorly for Big Dog.
God, let's hope so.
I'm married to him.
So if you think I can't create multiple humans, maintain a healthy marriage to two spouses, and slay dragons at work, then you haven't met me, lady, because I am still Emma Goddamn Trakarsky, not some mobile incubator who drops everything to wipe babies' butts and yell at passing cars to slow down! Ow! Ow.
- D did you just say "ow"? - Mm-hmm! Mm, ahh! Sorry.
I feel like I ate a couple puppies, and they grew into two very large Dobermans, and they're currently trying to eat their way out of me.
- Oh, dear.
- Yeah, but I'm I'm just gonna play it cool until you tell me I'm definitely not getting this job.
Yeah, you are definitely not getting this job.
No hard feelings.
I'm just gonna call 911.
This is Emma Trakarsky, - and, uh, yeah, I, um - Oh, dear.
Oh, my God, I'm about to explode! - Sorry.
- Yeah, no.
No, no, no, no.
No need to call Homeland Security.
Check, please.
Jack! Izzy! [CELLPHONES CHIME] - Jack.
- Yeah? Can you turn down the music? Can you turn down the fucking music?! [MUSIC STOPS] Emma.
No sun, and the sky is gray Find a good path in the right place And let all your little walls fall away to the floor You'll be thanking yourself when you open the door All you got to do is keep moving Keep moving Oh-oh, oh-oh All you got to do is keep moving Keep moving on Keep moving All you got to do is keep moving Keep moving Oh-oh, oh-oh All you got to do is keep moving