You Me Her (2016) s04e02 Episode Script

The Saddest Clown Show Ever

1 Previously on "You Me Her" Did you know that trying to do everything in threes, especially sex, is a [WHISTLES] poly foul? Somebody put a full-price offer on this house.
Helen's gonna do us a landlord solid and give us 72 hours to match it.
Could this morning be any more stressful? - Don't say that.
- I'm having what?! They're twins, normal human girls, not aliens or devil children.
I'm gonna get a real job with a real salary so I can help us get the loan for the house.
"I've got a session.
" I never thought I'd actually be saying that as the therapist and not the patient.
Good morning, darling.
You look a little, uh gorgeous.
That's the word I was gonna say.
- Thanks? - So, how about school? You really should mind your own business.
Don't get that stupid savior look in your eye.
- Are you still in love with them? - More than ever.
Then you need to figure a way to love their life.
I have a gift.
Pumpkin spice.
The official shit candle of Hawthorne Heights.
Nathan, Izzy.
Izzy is also a shrink.
She works with troubled teens at Directions.
I'm just gonna play it cool until you tell me I'm definitely not getting this job.
You are definitely not getting this job.
I'm just gonna call 911.
Excuse me.
Nope, not you.
Excuse me.
Um, we Our, um, wife was admitted earlier tonight.
Right, and before you go, like, "Our wife?" her name is Emma Trakarsky.
- And she's a beautif - Hey! Where the hell have you two been?! My My ringer was off, and I didn't quite hear the Yeah, and my phone was also kind of on the - It was - on the brink.
You know, this is so typical.
The shit gets real, and Mama's left to handle everything on her own, right? You got to live large in the spotlight, and we toil away in anonymity, Emma making not one, but two humans, and me just holding the whole damn world together while Dave can't even remember what city he's lounging around in.
I mean, honestly, would it be so terrible if he just choked on his room-service prime rib? - You know, not to death, because I love him - Mm.
No, no.
but enough so that the EMTs just have to kick in the door and then they find some weird porn paused on the TV, and they put on Instagram.
- Would that be so fucking terrible?! - Carmen.
- Is Emma okay? - Who? Oh, yeah, she's fine.
Babies are fine.
[BOTH SIGH] - I'm gonna go now.
- Where Should we follow you, or - Okay, but is she Is she Is she Emma, are you okay? - Oh, guys, I'm so embarrassed.
- Does it hurt? What's going on? No, no, no.
It was just gas.
It was gas.
- It's I'm I'm fine.
Where were you guys? - Hey.
You know, it's like you fell off the edge of the earth.
We were at, uh - At a class.
- Mm-hmm.
For home home improvement.
A class? - Uh, yep.
- Ah.
You know how, um, I wanna be handier - around the house, like my dad? - Uh-huh.
Well, turns out I'm going through a mild identity crisis - Oh.
- which is very common for guys who are approaching parenthood and middle age at the same time.
You smell like Alcohol.
- Good nose.
- Yes.
They were serving it there.
They You know what? Sometimes they, uh You know how at cooking classes they serve wine? Similar.
- Mm-hmm.
- No, no, it smells more like, um Bourbon? Right? - I was gonna say that before you interrupted - Do we? because I wasn't done.
We've been talking about - this not-interrupting thing, right? - Have we? - Ah.
- Look, the bottom line is that we didn't learn anything that we could actually demonstrate.
- If you were to ask.
- You've been House Catting me.
- House Catting? - House Catting me.
You know, like, when the house cat gets away for the weekend, runs with the strays, and comes back a guilty, matted mess spinning tall tales.
That's you two right now.
I don't know about cats t telling tales.
Guys, just where were you? Just tell me where you were.
- Shaun's new bar.
- Shaun's new bar.
See, now, was that so hard? A little honesty? - Sorry.
- Sorry.
So, here's the thing: I'm totally fine.
It was a false alarm.
I got a clean bill of health.
You know, damn the luck.
It happened in the middle of my interview.
- No, Emma, I'm sorry.
- Yes.
No, no, no.
It's fine, because I totally rocked it.
Bhang, how long have you been standing there? Long enough to hear that torrent of bullshit.
The only words you got right were the ones that don't matter, like "she" and "the.
" Your wife had what's called Braxton-Hicks contractions.
Which, I assume, is not the technical term for gas? So I left a few things out.
What, you wanna tell me a little more about your drunk-handyman class? Anyway, Braxton-Hicks isn't unusual at this stage, but your symptoms were more pronounced than I'd like to see.
- Oh, my God.
Is it serious? - Not this time.
But at your age with twins, I'd like to keep an eye on things.
So watch out for bleeding and take it easy for a little while.
This is your body's way of saying "slow down.
" But when you say it's my body's way of saying "slow down," - you mean, like - Slow.
- Got it.
- Doc.
At what stage of pregnancy are tranquilizer darts acceptable? I neither heard that nor told you that they're readily available at most outdoor-sporting-goods stores.
- I like her.
- She's funny.
MAN: Today, we are going to show everything you need to know to get your slippery shelf locked and loaded and ready to store shit.
Hey, babe.
How'd you sleep? Like a rock.
What's he doing? - It's very entertaining.
- Hm.
[CHUCKLES] - Take notes, ladies.
- That is how you hang a cab Aah! -Oh, my God! - Oh, my - Jesus! What the He didn't scream the first seven times.
- It's still hanging.
- It looks great.
Hey, babe, why don't you just ask Gabe? - He's good at this stuff.
- Call Gabe? Yeah, the real fucking man? The one who got my dad's toolbox? Things would have been different if I got the toolbox, right? Maybe he would have been the one with the bleached hair and the eyeliner.
Did that actually happen? - Yes.
- Are there photographs? Guys, wait.
- Wait, no.
- Honey Honey, I I got I got it.
- I got it.
I got it.
- Thank you.
Please sit down.
You don't need to - Please, sit down.
- Okay, there is - a razor-thin line between sweet and creepy - Here.
and you two are skating on it.
- Emma.
- Look, I'm fine.
You don't need to mummify me in Bubble Wrap.
Emma, the doctor said that you are "moderate to high risk.
" - That is a big deal.
- Okay, well, so I won't base jump or fight crime.
- Here.
- Oh, my God.
- Go already, guys, okay? - You just need a little vitamin C.
Look, I have much to do.
Need quiet.
- Like what? - Yeah.
Like what? [SIGHS] Well, I have decided to turn all offers down - "All" offers? - Did Did we miss some? and start my own architectural-consulting firm from home.
Well, don't all jump up and down at once.
Uh now, Iz Honey, the doctor just said you were supposed to take it easy.
Oh, my God, babe, this is exactly why I said it was gas.
Okay, shoo, both of you.
I can't just lay around incubating our offspring all day.
I I I'm still me.
I'm still Emma Goddamn Trakarsky, Slayer of Worlds! [BOTH CHUCKLE] Please? [BOTH CHUCKLE] Okay, just be careful.
We love you, Emma Goddamn Trakarsky.
- Okay, get out of here.
Go, dorks.
Sometimes I swear it's like she can't stand being in the same room as me.
- You know what I mean? - I do.
I really, really do.
[PILLS RATTLE] And and and I ask her if she wants to talk, and she says that my voice is like nails on the chalkboard of her soul.
Are you okay? Mm.
That's horrible.
- Sorry.
Listen, Billy - Barry.
Um, [CHUCKLES] I'm gonna do you a solid, okay, and rip off the Band-Aid: Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next month I don't know but she's gonna dump you.
So just salvage whatever's left of your dignity - and beat her to it.
- But Ship's sailed, Benny.
Trust me.
- Am I your first patient? - Fourth.
You're my fourth session of five hundred that I need to get certified so I can sit in rooms like this, listening to people like you for the rest of my life.
Hello? Mm.
Are you are you leaving? Brian, I quit.
It's Barry.
This outfit is [POPS LIPS] amazing! Where did you get it? Okay, but, seriously, I have a question.
Can I borrow it? So funny, but I probably make more than you do.
That's fair.
Perks of working for The Man.
- I guess so.
- The downside is that my life is now a very strange, leafy nightmare - from which I can never wake.
- Mm.
Do you know that song about broken wings - and learning to live so free? - So Yes, I hear that nine times per shift.
Hey, maybe they're testing interrogation techniques.
Do you feel compelled to confess anything? This job and living with Grams makes me nostalgic for homelessness.
- Mm! - That bad, huh? I'm mostly kidding.
What about, oh I don't know school? What about it? - Sasha.
- Hmm? You made a blood pact that you would get your diploma.
[CHUCKLES] There was blood? - I don't remember that.
- I don't mean to get heavy, but what you do now determines the rest of your life.
- So - Wow.
- Thanks for not getting heavy.
- You're welcome.
At the time I got right, it was too late in the semester.
Plus, I, um [SIGHS] I called the admissions chick a soulless shit sculpture.
She seemed less helpful after that.
- That's shocking.
- [CHUCKLES] Oh, what about your future? - Gotta wear shades, man.
- Yeah? - Yes.
- Yeah, well, seems like you're not really an equal partner in your weird little triad working part-time at the teen daycare.
That's a job for bleeding hearts who don't pay bills.
That's valid.
What about that Hawthorne School gig? Uh, yeah, no, that's not happening.
I did everything except barf in that dude's shoes, so I'm thinking you've overcome worse first impressions.
- That's nice.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, God.
- What? - What is that? - What? That is the savior look.
- No, no.
That's not.
- No.
You misunderstood.
Stop staring at me.
Oh, no.
Cleanup on "Aisle you need to go back to school.
" [FUTURE KINGS OF DENMARK'S "IT'S A NEW DAY IN YOUR WORLD" PLAYS] You never know how you're gonna feel Before you know you're blue - You never know when you're gonna need - [SIGHS] A friend to see you through - It's a new day in your world - MAN: [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] Make the most of what you find out there - Not a blue day in your world - What do we have here? All the colors flying, everyone else dares [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] Hey, I just wanted to, uh, check on you before I head to the magazine.
Oh, Carm, that's really sweet, but I'm Hey, you scared me.
Just don't do that again, okay? - You sure you're okay? - Yes.
- You're one-hundred percent? - Yeah.
- Nothing holding you back? - I'm fine.
- Okay! You can watch my kids.
- Whoa! Hold up, hold up.
Carm, look, you know I love you and I love the girls, but I'm starting a business, and as you said, verbatim, "Trying to watch kids and start a business is the saddest clown show ever.
" Ah, sweetie.
Why why start a business right before you have twins? So I don't lose my shit.
[SIGHS] Am I gonna suck at this? Absolutely.
[CHUCKLES] But then you'll get better.
And then, one day, you'll wake up and realize that being an amazing mom quietly became a big part of who you are.
Part of Emma.
- Mm.
- Thank you.
[FOOTSTEPS IN DISTANCE] - You're looking at something over my shoulder, aren't you? - Mm.
The new neighbors.
Oh, yeah, that's Marty and Will.
They moved here from Hillsboro.
- God, their kid is cute.
- What, so it's true? We have gays? We have gays! Yeah, well, maybe don't lead with that.
Hey! If you can run that fast, you can easily watch my kids.
I'm Whew! - I'm Emma Trakarsky.
- Hey.
I live next door with my husband and my wife, because I'm poly, which means I'm bi, so, hi.
It's lovely to meet you, Polly.
- What? Oh, no, no, no.
- Wait.
EMMA: My name is Emma.
I w I was just telling you - I'm polyamorous.
- Please excuse her.
She's just super-duper double pregnant, and it's making her peculiar.
Oh, okay, well, I'm Marty, and this is my husband, Will.
And who's this handsome little guy? I love children.
I'm kind of known for it.
Ehh, are you really? Oh, this is Parker.
He's four and, apparently, really shy.
My husband says everyone named Parker is a winner.
Are you a winner, Parker?! [CHUCKLES] He's a winner.
Don't worry.
- Weird.
I'm gonna go to work, so - Yeah.
I ju I just want to say how great it is to have another "alt" family in the neighborhood.
I mean, being polyamorous, I I know the challenges, - but love is love, and family's family, right? - Yeah.
Anyway, um, I'm just over there - if you need anything at all.
- Is that a threat? Well, that's enough relating for today.
Come along.
Bye, guys.
- Bye.
- What the hell was that all about? - We'll call you.
I don't know.
We're the Gaydashians, honey.
Just milk it while it lasts.
Ohh, help me stave off the avalanche of terror and hopelessness.
Amnesia on the rocks, coming up.
So, I'm sensing that you've got a tale to tell.
Well, I walked in, I quit, I walked out, the end.
Well this should do the trick.
[COUGHING] Ooh! [LAUGHS] That is a day changer.
Yeah, don't ask what's in it.
-- Oh, man.
I spent eight of my Best Ass Years slaving away to get my doctorate, and all I learned is that I loathe listening to people - whine about their problems.
- Oh.
Well, that's, um That's certainly a a, um What do you think that is? You know, instead of listening to a bunch of Cray-Crays go on and on, trying to figure it out themselves, why can't I just cut to the chase and tell 'em what to do, and if they don't do it, they get shocked? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
[SCOFFS] I'm so fucked.
Uh you like telling people what to do.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Why not do that right here? You dole out the advice, I dole out the drinks.
It's the perfect hook for this place.
And and and we can get you a sign that says "the doctor's in", like Lucy van Pelt.
Well, she is by far my favorite Peanut.
See? It's It's It's destiny.
You'd really do that for me? Babe, it's win/win.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] You see, I got a mind to take your innocence - right here on this bar.
- Aww.
Well, there's no one I'd rather have deflower me, but I thought we were waiting for the right time.
Oh, the right time's right now? - The right time is now?! - Yeah.
Oh! Okay, what the hell just happened? I call it "sex.
" Mnh-mnh.
No, no, no, no.
No, three little letters cannot house that experience.
What the fuck are you some kind of undercover fuck ninja? I lost count.
I never lose count, in case I need to complain later.
It was four.
I'm sorry.
I must have been overexcited 'cause fi five is my par.
God, I don't what is yet, but something about this is bad.
It's very, very bad.
Well, j just give me a second.
I can I can go for five.
Give me give me a minute.
[MEN CRYING] [BREATHES DEEPLY] - [BONE CRACK] - Aah! Aah! Oh! Ah, shit! - Ohh! - You're getting it, man.
So, um, what did you release in Grief Yoga? No, I'm pretty sure that wasn't me.
It was that skinny vegan guy in the burlap clothes.
Oh, fuck! What the fuck? Is that what I think it is? Yeah, or, uh, maca root tea and organic vinegar? It's animal urine, is what what it is.
[SNIFFS] It's, like, feline based on the bottom notes of fish and rat.
It's an amazing cleanse, you know, and it and it evens out - your, uh, testosterone production, and - Okay, you know what? Stop.
Just stop.
What has to happen to a guy to make him want to pay to drink cat piss? Um, she cheated on me.
- Yeah, that - With my brother.
Over Thanksgiving at my parents' house.
That happens in real life? Yeah.
I found her in my childhood bedroom giving thanks to my brother's penis.
[SNICKERS] I'm s [CLEARS THROAT] That is That is awful.
I'm s That is Then it got ugly.
- Then it got ugly? - Yeah.
I can't wait to hear what's worse.
Yeah, I, uh I forgave her, you know, begged her to stay, and and and, like, you know, not like, "Please stay.
" It it was it was I beg-begged.
- Ooh.
- Really begged.
Like, there were there were tears.
- On oOn on her shoes.
- Mm.
- Yeah, so - You're right.
It did get worse.
So now, you know, my my ex-wife is is is my sister-in-law.
And I'm just trying to purify myself, you know, maybe become perfect so that so that someday someone might love me or something.
Nathan, I wish I could say something, you know, better, m more inspirational, but I'm really sorry, man.
- That's awful.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Ooh, you're going right in for the cat piss again, huh? [SIGHING] Ugh.
- [GROANS] - MARTY: Welcome.
Thank you for coming by.
No, no, no, no.
It's okay, it's okay.
No, yeah.
There's a bottle open on the table.
Yeah, just go on in.
- [CHILDREN LAUGHING] - Hey! Look at you.
That's awesome.
Hey, bud.
Give me a high five? Oh, my God! Thank you! [CELLPHONE CLICKS, DIALING] [CELLPHONE RINGING, VIBRATING] Oh, about time.
Are you coming to get them, or should I bring them to you? Question: What's going on at Will and Marty's house? It looks like they're having a big party with all the neighborhood housewives and kids.
- CARMEN: Oh, that's Binge Club.
- Binge Club? Yeah, it's something they did back in Hillsboro.
All the stay-at-home parents meet up at Marty's and take turns watching the kids, and then when you're not on duty, you get adult time bingeing the latest and greatest TV shows.
- Well, why wasn't I invited? - Well, there's no president, Em.
- Nothing whatsoever to conquer.
- What's that supposed to mean? Well, plus, you'd hate the show they're watching.
It's "Who We Are.
" Ugh, that sappy soap that teaches us "what really matters" by metaphorically drowning kittens till we cry? Yep, that's that's the one.
Oh, how could anyone watch that manipulative shit? Don't they have anything better to do with their time? Speaking of, one of us has a job.
You are horrible.
Ah, love you, too.
[KEYBOARD CLACKS, MUSIC STOPS] Four bars in, and I've already lost 20 I.
MARTY: Who's ready? Binge Club in the house! [LAUGHTER] What? [LAUGHS] [GRUNTS] [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] [CRYING] Hormones.
It's gotta be the hormones.
Nooo! He can't be dead! [SNIFFLES] I mean, he literally can't be dead because he's, like, all over the preview for the next episode, but still.
Oh, like that? [MUFFLED] Always like that.
Okay, here's what I'm thinking.
Fresh start.
I'm Izzy Silva.
It's it's nice to see you again.
Okay, that sounds good.
No, I'm Dr.
Izzy Silva.
Nice to meet you again.
Do you like that? - [DOG WHINES] - Is that Oh.
- Izzy.
- Hi.
What are you doing here? [BREATHES DEEPLY] Fresh start.
I'm Izzy Silva.
Uh, wait.
I'm I'm Dr.
Izzy Silva.
Yeah, the girl with the vape and the booze and the insults and the holier-than-thou attitude.
That was playtime Izzy.
This is very serious Izzy.
I want the job.
Helping entitled rich kids with their faux damage? I'm good at what I do.
See this stack over here? I added mine.
Mine's on top.
Okay, well, they're all good at what they do, - and they're more qualified.
- Qualified.
I've heard.
You're not gonna make this easy, are you? Why would I? Okay.
Well A kid asked me to sign this on the way in, which means they thought I might be a student, and now I'm very, very much in love with them.
- "Them"? - Yeah, stay tuned.
So, turns out that the non-binary student collective is gearing up to protest unless you start providing gender-neutral bathroom alternatives.
What? We settled this last year.
Trans kids are welcome to use any bathroom they wish.
What? Non-binary is not the same as trans.
I knew that.
Did you? - I didn't know that.
- No.
Look, you tell anyone, and I will deny it.
I won't.
Look, I just I fell behind on on all the initials and the acronyms and Well, it sounds like, to me, that you need an LGBTQIA-plus specialist, and I just happen to be pansexual, or so they tell me.
So I'm very well-versed.
- Really? - Wait.
But it is probational for one month, and then we evaluate.
Thank you so much.
Oh, I have one condition.
I hope it's psoriasis because you literally have no leverage.
Um, I just need you to admit one student.
Her name is Sasha, and she was homeless up until two months ago, but she couldn't go to the public school.
Um, she's amazing.
Okay, I'll, uh I'll tell you what.
I'll try to put in for a recommendation.
Oh, she'll start right away.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
All right, see ya.
See ya.
[LID CLANKS] Polly? [CHUCKLES] Why are you giving me your mail? Why didn't you invite me? Wh Oh! Oh, I get it.
You think it's because you're tightly wound and a little bit scary.
No, that's that's not what I think.
Is that what you think? Yeah, a little, but, actually, the main reason is because you don't have any children.
- Well - Like, out-vitro children.
- Yeah, but - Do you? Have any kids that aren't inside your belly? Yeah.
Okay, bye.
[SIGHS] Fuck.
NINA: What are you actually doing down there? Well, I call it "work.
" What are you actually doing up there? Eh, not so much.
Just pondering.
I'm gonna spend the rest of my life paying student loans for a career that spanned three days.
Fascinating, right? Well, I'm not a therapist, but I did make it through all twelve steps, which makes me insufferably wise.
- May I? - Knock yourself out.
This, uh this career that you just quit, it's kind of like a pie-eating contest.
It's really not.
At all.
- But good effort, Izzy's dad.
- Yeah.
You just spent the past eight years eating as much pie as you possibly could, shoveling it down, spending all of your money buying more pies, going into pie debt, but you just kept on going because you didn't know what else to do.
And, finally, one day, you eat the last pie.
Yay! You won the pie-eating contest! It's great.
And then they wheel in your prize on one of those big dollies.
Can you guess what it is? I agreed to a story, Ben, not a riddle.
More pie.
A shit ton of fucking pie.
That's what you got for winning the pie-eating contest.
- I hate pie.
- Yeah.
I I think maybe I always hated pie.
So why keep eating it? Well, I Fear? Obligation? Other people? Other people.
I hate them as much as I hate pie.
There you go.
I wasted eight years.
I doubt that.
I wondered what Izzy saw in you.
Okay, it's almost pizza time! [CHILD LAUGHING] [CELLPHONE RINGING, VIBRATING] Oh, God damn it, woman.
Quit being such a needy, selfish little - Give me you kids.
Now! - Jesus Christ.
- Come on.
Go get them.
- Okay, just And any other ones you find scurrying about.
Go! Go, go, go.
WOMAN: Be free! Yeah, yeah When we get together, everything is better Yeah, yeah, yeah When we get together, everything is better Be free! Yeah, yeah When we get together, everything is better