You Me Her (2016) s04e07 Episode Script
Now Who's Got Egg in Her Hair?
1 Behold my door, bitche Previously on "You Me Her" They bought you a door.
How, uh, romantic.
It's a beautiful, bright-orange symbol of our love, and clearly, you don't get it, so shut up.
Do you have any sequel ideas for me? I mean, you're the writer in the family.
I'd say, that's Word around campus is that you're quite suddenly pansexual.
Dare you to ask out the next human who's into you.
- Hey.
- Uh, do you want to hang out? Fuck, I am so sorry.
I'm straight.
Like, weirdly straight.
We can still be friends.
I fucked up so bad.
I wish I could just go back in time and do what I wanted to do in the first place.
- HOA violation? - HOA violation? Fuck Lala! Fuck Hawthorne Heights! Any sober second thoughts? Do you see any sober people around here? 3! Holy shit.
[LAUGHTER.]
I don't care what you think about me And I'm never gonna fit in your society Holy shit, we just egged the holy fuck out of Lala's door.
And we're on the right track Better get yourself together 'cause [GASPS.]
Fuck! We should run, right? - Move your ass! - Ooh! Stand up, boy, it's a revolution Oh, my God! I don't care what you think about me - Shh! - Who's there? I can hear you! I'm not afraid to use this paddle! Wow, that was close.
Did she see you? No, no, I don't think so.
Oh! These were good eggs thrown by bad eggs! A lot of people will go hungry tomorrow for breakfast! [CHUCKLES.]
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- So, how'd I do? Did I pass? Did you pass what? Well, did I prove that I could I could do the wrong thing when it's called for? Uh, the only thing that you proved is that you throw like a frail child that has to throw with his left hand because his right one is in a cast.
And the child is blind.
Wow, that's it.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Anything else? Hmm nope.
Okay.
Interesting.
Well, then.
- [GASPS.]
- Yep.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! You dick.
Just gonna comb your hair for you.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
You know, even, uh even with the whole test-drive thing - Yeah.
- Yeah.
And, uh, the just-friends handshake uh, I had fun.
Me, too.
I haven't said those three words much over the past year.
And, uh in that exact order um never? [CHUCKLES.]
Sad.
Yeah.
Um, maybe we both needed it.
I will I, uh So, see you on the playground.
Not if I see you first, nerd.
- Ooh.
Okay.
- Yeah, 'cause EMMA: Oh! Ow! That was my toe! - Shh! Shh! - What are you doing? Hey.
Shh! Why is your hair sticky? Is that egg? What, did you and Nina have an egg fight? Oh, God, I smell egg hair.
Oh, my God, now I said "egg hair," and that sounds even grosser than it smells.
[GAGS.]
[GROANS.]
What's that smell? Ow.
[SNORING.]
Good morning.
Hey! Coffee me, please.
Look Egg Head's awake.
Ooh, you look tired, dearest.
Nathan and I worked late.
We encountered a box full of shit - Eggs? - [LAUGHS.]
Very funny.
Of shitty confiscated booze, okay? And then I woke up between you two.
What kept you out so late? - What? - You and Nathan.
Oh, just, you know, guiding kids - counseling them, if you will.
- Mm.
As a guidance counselor, you both guide and counsel.
It's impressive.
Um, can I have the creamer, - or will there be more waterboarding? - Mm.
And more dental with "Marathon Man.
" You know what I could go for is, like, an omelet - if we had like seven or eight eggs.
- Mm, yeah, I love eggs fried eggs, scrambled eggs.
Yeah.
Do you have any more on your head, by any chance? Speaking of anything other than eggs, if you guys are done No more yolks.
[JOKES.]
I was going over the, um the guest list for the anniversary party, and I thought I thought since your mom is already in town, why don't we invite her? No.
Uh, first of all, there's no way that Jo just happens to be here, okay? Gabe lured her here for the sole purpose of ruining my life, so no.
Plot foiled this time, okay? - This guy is not falling for that shit again.
- Are you fucking kidding me? What's that? Sheriff Lala is fining us for Izzy's door.
Apparently, Marigold 142 isn't an HOA-approved color.
What? Where does she get the balls?! Give me that.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Fuck this! - Yeah, fuck that.
Fuck it! We're not just gonna bend over and take it from this Draconian She-Devil! This is America, God damn it, and that door represents our lives, our family, and our freedom! And scene.
A-plus on the outrage.
I demand to be a part of whatever revenge you two are plotting, but right now, in this moment, I d I I do I I I have to go to work, so I love you.
Goodbye.
I love you, too.
First, they come for my Binge Club.
- Then they come for my - Oh, honey, I don't think you should reference a poem about the Holocaust when you're talking about an HOA kerfuffle.
Point taken.
No, but someone's got to stop Lala's reign of terror, and that somebody is us.
I'm serious.
Yeah, well, I didn't think we would outsource it.
So, what's the plan? Good, old-fashioned shoe leather.
We're gonna start a petition for a special election.
Then we're gonna split up and canvass.
I mean, this is about more than just a door.
This is about our right to be edgy.
"Marigold we won't fold.
" What do you think of that? - It's not bad.
- "Marigold we won't fold.
" I've heard worse.
[SIGHS.]
Note to self drinking confiscated booze never, ever, ever leads to anything good.
Unh-unh.
No.
I feel like that truth should have been self-evident, but clearly, it was not.
Not at all.
[SIGHS.]
Um So, about last night, as they say Mm-hmm.
We didn't kiss, did we? - What? - What? No, ew! No, sorry! Not "ew.
" Just just, uh just one just a regular no.
So, then, we didn't really egg a house, right? Oh, no, we we definitely did that.
Yeah, no, we did the fuck out of that.
- Shit.
- What? I don't know yet, but there will be shit.
[HUMMING.]
For the record, I hate humming.
Oh, come on, nobody hates humming.
Well, maybe something bad happened to me, and, I don't know, somebody was humming while it happened.
Aw, that's sad.
I hum when I'm really happy, and you make me hum.
Oh, right, you didn't brush your teeth this morning? Not the point I was making, but Hey, do you want a ride to work? I got a crazy busy day ahead, - but I could easily just swing by - No, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nice! Oh, stayed in bed 'cause you can.
I can dig that.
Oh hey.
Right.
I'm gonna need a rain check on noodle night.
Yeah, totes sad, but I start interviews tomorrow, and I got a whole stack of résumés to get through, so Well, it doesn't matter 'cause the only way I'd be eating noodles is if you brought them right here.
Cool, cool, cool.
Going after the big white whale, the stuff of myth and lore never-get-out-of-bed day.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Well, you know where to find me just waiting for someone to realize how empty and pointless life is without me.
Yeah, you betcha.
Okay, I'll check in with you later.
Well, enjoy walking upright, barkeep, 'cause you're gonna be crawling back soon enough.
Mwa, ha, ha, ha, ha! Mm.
Were you just talking to somebody? What? No.
You didn't just do an evil-villain laugh? [SCOFFS.]
No.
Just just go.
Go.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Okay, this might take a while.
Fuck.
Hey, Layne.
Hi, dick.
Suck my balls, Trakarsky! Fuck you! [LAUGHTER.]
Hey.
Did the, uh, class president just tell you to suck her balls? It's all good.
Just everyone hates the homophobic asshole who fucked over Alex, and death could come swiftly from any direction.
Okay.
I feel like that's a little bit of an exagg Whoa.
Yeah.
Oh, so, this is the petition nobody's signing.
Uh, no, we have gotten off to a bit of a slow start, but, um, the tide is turning.
You know, once you with your signature, that pen's gonna turn into a sword of tolerance and freedom.
Oh, I thought it was about your door.
It is about my door.
But it's a slippery slope, right? - Mm.
- Yeah.
You have to decide for yourself whether you want this power-hungry authoritarian to start dictating our lives.
Yeah, see, I'm not really like that all political and speechy.
I didn't even vote last time.
Ooh, okay.
Yeah, normally, I would be very upset by your apathy, but right now, I just need you to sign that.
Can you just put, like, an initials or, like, even a smiley face is sufficient.
I really don't want to get sideways with Lala, and what with Marigold 142 being the official color of swingers No.
What? No, it's not.
Well, I mean, who's to say? Me.
I'm to say.
That's not there's no official color of swingers.
They did say that you were gonna get loud and aggressive.
Who's "they"? What do you mean by "loud and aggressive"? I'm gonna go now.
Okay.
Bye.
- "Loud and aggressive"?! - Bye.
I haven't even "Loud and aggressive"? Fuck you! I am loud and aggressive.
You know what? I'm sorry.
Sorry I'm late.
Yeah, well, thank God.
I was going crazy.
Walk with me.
Wow! - Oh, that's Dave.
- Aww! He has a gift for flashy apologies, but there are many, many miles between that man and "aww.
" That is so so You know what? I don't even know, but whatever 'cause what I really need is a signature.
Oh, and we're back to you.
- Okay.
- Oh, no, just just sign it.
- May I read it first? - Why? Because I want to know what I'm signing! - But it's me.
- Oh, yeah, no.
What do you mean "yeah, no"? Are you kidding me? Your door is stupid.
There's a reason HOAs create approved-color lists, and that eyesore is Exhibit A.
What happened to your rebel spirit? What about any of this screams "rebel" to you? My God! Slow your roll, Norma Gay.
- I'm bi.
- Doesn't rhyme.
This isn't about being gay, bi, poly, or trapezoidal.
This is about you not selecting one of 42 HOA-approved colors colors you and I voted on so that people wouldn't trash the neighborhood with stupid doors like yours.
See, that rhymes.
Izzy picked it.
I forgot about the list.
You know, you are the best I've ever seen at whatever it is you do.
Is it drawing buildings? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Um But this right now what you're doing now, the the whole neighborhood thing? You don't want to treat this like a corporation, like, uh, you're leaving a body count on your ruthless climb to the corner office.
Lala is not the enemy.
Did you know that she owns that little hippie shop on the square with the soap and the candles and the groovy hemp skirts? Oh, of course she does.
Okay.
Just try not to destroy anybody, okay? - Okay.
- Snacks are there.
Uh I'm gonna grab my stuff.
Thank you, thank you.
- Bye, girls! - Bye! Have a good day! [DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I miss you.
CALLIE: Poop! [LAUGHS.]
There we go.
Callie, you can wipe her butt, right? Wow, really feeling the secondhand hate here.
Oh, hear that? My new-girl card just spontaneously burst into flames.
Look, I got to find Alex.
I got to talk to him.
Oh, good timing.
- Hey, man, I - Hey, fuck you, "man.
" Who does that shit in 2019 Portland? - Alex, I said I was sorry.
I - Dragging me into your frat-bro scheme to get the girl or whatever I mean, that's bad enough.
But egging my house You you egged his house? - When? - Somebody egged your house? [CHUCKLES.]
You scared the shit out of my mom last night, you raging psychopath.
At least fucking own it.
Look, this is my problem.
Don't follow me, okay? Gabriel.
We both know you didn't egg any houses last night, okay? Why didn't you just say something? Same reason you didn't.
Because I would get high-fives and and you wouldn't.
I'm the asshole here.
I knew you were straight.
I dared you to prove you weren't.
It's stupid.
Look, I'm not a puppet.
Yeah, but you're a teenage boy, and it's not, like, that different.
Instead of strings, you have you know.
Look, I'll figure something out.
I just I don't want you to "I don't give a damn about my reputation.
" - Runaways.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, I'll fix this.
Now you want to love, say you will Don't let go [SIGHS.]
This fucking sucks mostly.
[BOTTLE CAP CLATTERS.]
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Talk fast.
I'm super busy drinking alone in bed.
- It's 12:30.
- I'm making a point.
- That your life is really sad? - No.
I'm on a mission to remind Shaun that nothing matters without me.
And how's that going so far? I'm getting worried that I could rot here - and no one would notice.
- Okay, back to me.
Anyway, um, remember my boss, Nathan? - Test-drive boyfriend? - Whatever.
Um, so, last night we made some not-so-good choices.
You fucked him? - N - Whoa, you are terrible, and I actually, uh, feel better already.
No, I didn't fuck him, okay? We agreed that we were just friends, but then was this, like, almost-kiss, and I'm freaking out about it.
Whatever, it's not about the dude, anyway.
- Explain.
- Everything you've said or done in the past couple of weeks screams that you are nowhere near ready for the life that you're literally signing up for, so you're acting out.
You're, uh, hoping someone else will make the decision for you.
- Still with me? - Barely.
Just sack up and tell the Griswolds that you don't want to spend the rest of your life in Hawthorne Heights and that you do want to have your own babies, and maybe let, um, what's-his-penis know that he's not the one before he says - I need you.
- Huh? I got to go.
What? Gabriel got busted, and Principal Morgan wants to talk to him right now.
- Why? - Kid named Alex accused him of egging his house over a bad date, and there's a petition going around calling it a hate crime and demanding Gabriel's expulsion.
Shit.
Yeah lots of that.
What's all this? Oh, egg hair.
Huh? Uh, somebody egged your house.
Mostly the door.
So, you know Alex just came out last summer, right? He doesn't have the tools to deal with any of this.
Oh, you think this is for him? Are you sure? 'Cause Hawthorne Heights is so progressive.
Oh, you know what they say hate hides everywhere - sometimes in your own family.
- What is that supposed to mean? Alex went out and hung out with a kid from school last night.
When he came home, he was pissed off, but he didn't want to talk about it.
And? And obviously, I went through his phone, saw the kid's name Gabriel.
Only one of those at school.
Same last name as you.
Izzy.
Izzy.
Hold up.
- Hold up! - Why? We can't let Gabriel take the fall.
Of course not, but but let's hold a beat and think this through.
There's nothing to think about.
Hey, we're gonna lose our jobs.
Well, then I'll tell them it was just me.
No! That's not happening.
Okay, look you confess, I confess.
No.
No.
You have way more to lose.
You sure about that? Look, the three of you just barely got that loan.
And if they re-verify, you are going to lose the house.
And I'm not just gonna get fired, Iz No one's gonna hire me.
[SIGHS.]
Why did I drag you into this? You didn't drag me into anything.
I I wanted to be with you.
- Izzy? Izzy! Where the hell have you been? - W I w I was, um - We were we were just discussing the - Oh, we were talking school.
Okay, I don't care.
Um, Gabriel's innocent, and I can prove it.
- What? How? - He was with me all night.
He's trying to protect me, but fuck that.
I'm nobody's damsel.
Look at the time stamp.
NATHAN: Egging happened around 2:00.
Yeah, and we live on the northeast side.
So, he couldn't have done it.
No.
Okay, come with me.
That's what I said.
Dude, what the fuck? I told you I didn't want to talk to him.
- Oh, oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - IZZY: Watch it! Language, please.
I just got off the phone with your grandmother, Sasha.
And she backed you up.
You two are cleared.
You got this? - Yep, thank you, Principal Morgan.
- Thanks, Principal Morgan.
I am so sorry.
Still a dick move, using you like that.
Oh, yeah, you're a massive choad, no doubt about that, but - Choad? - I don't know, if I were straight, I'd probably fake gay for her, too.
Oh, my God.
That is so weird and flattering.
- I - Will you please be my gay best friend? Um, I'll put you on the waiting list, I guess.
It's like we're not even here.
Oh, get used to it.
We reverted to being lamps and furniture once the threat was gone, so Mm.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Why don't you save me? [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Whoa, my inner demons Yeah, we're on the same side [SCOFFS.]
It's just you.
Mm.
Shaun hasn't realized he can't live without you? I think this thing backfired and actually proved the exact opposite.
Okay.
Let's get you up, walk you around a little bit, break up the blood clots, air you out.
Okay.
So, once you're off the bed for any other reason other than beer - Unh, nah.
- It's over? No, you see, I never lose at Bed Battles, and lucky for jou, I'm not in the mood.
Okay? So Ow! Ow! Mmf! Shouldn't you be fixing the latest crisis you caused? Oh, I already did.
I'm still riding the relief buzz.
This is me being here for you! I'm really struggling to see it that way! I'm liberating you from a prison of your own making! Bullshit! You're just annoying me more aggressively than usual! - Oh! Yeah! - No, no! - Yes! - No! - No, no, no! - Yes, yes! What's that? What's that sorry? I can't hear you.
What'd you say? I'm better than you at everything, including being smart and pretty? Oh, my God, stop.
- You don't need to s - Yes! The new Bed Battle champion of the world me! [LAUGHS.]
You're absolutely certain that this is you helping me? Yeah.
And here's the payoff you'll never be alone, and you'll always be needed 'cause you've got me.
Okay, stop threatening me, and get off my bed! Uh, this is my bed now, loser.
Aah! [SIGHS.]
Uh, hard fucking lessons, tough love, baby doll.
Stop looking at me like that! You're gonna judge me now? Jesus Christ.
Maybe I'm saving it for our date! Did you think of that? Dick.
So, yeah, that's when Sasha saved us with those selfies.
[SIGHS.]
I'm so happy to have that behind us.
Nah, I wouldn't say it's behind us just yet.
- Well, I would.
- Yeah, that's true.
Lala's door didn't egg itself.
No.
I mean, I I assume it's a kid, right, because honestly, what adult would do something so idiotic and immature? - Right.
- Mm-hmm.
Certainly not someone in this neighborhood, right? Oh, no.
Talk about shitting where you sleep.
- It's vexing, isn't it? - Mm-hmm.
I know.
We'll probably never know.
It's a mystery for the ages.
- Theories will abound.
- Mm.
Podcasts will be produced, probably.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Well, I wonder who that could be.
I don't know, honey.
Let's find out.
Why are you guys being weird? Oh, Iz! It's Lala, and she brought a movie.
Okay.
What kind of movie? A mash-up of my two favorite genres true crime and found footage from my neighbor's security camera.
I'll get the popcorn.
You haven't done You haven't done anything You haven't done anything wrong Because you haven't done anything I wonder what it feels like To not even have to try No action, no consequence So just go back to your normal life Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh I wonder what it's like
How, uh, romantic.
It's a beautiful, bright-orange symbol of our love, and clearly, you don't get it, so shut up.
Do you have any sequel ideas for me? I mean, you're the writer in the family.
I'd say, that's Word around campus is that you're quite suddenly pansexual.
Dare you to ask out the next human who's into you.
- Hey.
- Uh, do you want to hang out? Fuck, I am so sorry.
I'm straight.
Like, weirdly straight.
We can still be friends.
I fucked up so bad.
I wish I could just go back in time and do what I wanted to do in the first place.
- HOA violation? - HOA violation? Fuck Lala! Fuck Hawthorne Heights! Any sober second thoughts? Do you see any sober people around here? 3! Holy shit.
[LAUGHTER.]
I don't care what you think about me And I'm never gonna fit in your society Holy shit, we just egged the holy fuck out of Lala's door.
And we're on the right track Better get yourself together 'cause [GASPS.]
Fuck! We should run, right? - Move your ass! - Ooh! Stand up, boy, it's a revolution Oh, my God! I don't care what you think about me - Shh! - Who's there? I can hear you! I'm not afraid to use this paddle! Wow, that was close.
Did she see you? No, no, I don't think so.
Oh! These were good eggs thrown by bad eggs! A lot of people will go hungry tomorrow for breakfast! [CHUCKLES.]
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- So, how'd I do? Did I pass? Did you pass what? Well, did I prove that I could I could do the wrong thing when it's called for? Uh, the only thing that you proved is that you throw like a frail child that has to throw with his left hand because his right one is in a cast.
And the child is blind.
Wow, that's it.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Anything else? Hmm nope.
Okay.
Interesting.
Well, then.
- [GASPS.]
- Yep.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! You dick.
Just gonna comb your hair for you.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
You know, even, uh even with the whole test-drive thing - Yeah.
- Yeah.
And, uh, the just-friends handshake uh, I had fun.
Me, too.
I haven't said those three words much over the past year.
And, uh in that exact order um never? [CHUCKLES.]
Sad.
Yeah.
Um, maybe we both needed it.
I will I, uh So, see you on the playground.
Not if I see you first, nerd.
- Ooh.
Okay.
- Yeah, 'cause EMMA: Oh! Ow! That was my toe! - Shh! Shh! - What are you doing? Hey.
Shh! Why is your hair sticky? Is that egg? What, did you and Nina have an egg fight? Oh, God, I smell egg hair.
Oh, my God, now I said "egg hair," and that sounds even grosser than it smells.
[GAGS.]
[GROANS.]
What's that smell? Ow.
[SNORING.]
Good morning.
Hey! Coffee me, please.
Look Egg Head's awake.
Ooh, you look tired, dearest.
Nathan and I worked late.
We encountered a box full of shit - Eggs? - [LAUGHS.]
Very funny.
Of shitty confiscated booze, okay? And then I woke up between you two.
What kept you out so late? - What? - You and Nathan.
Oh, just, you know, guiding kids - counseling them, if you will.
- Mm.
As a guidance counselor, you both guide and counsel.
It's impressive.
Um, can I have the creamer, - or will there be more waterboarding? - Mm.
And more dental with "Marathon Man.
" You know what I could go for is, like, an omelet - if we had like seven or eight eggs.
- Mm, yeah, I love eggs fried eggs, scrambled eggs.
Yeah.
Do you have any more on your head, by any chance? Speaking of anything other than eggs, if you guys are done No more yolks.
[JOKES.]
I was going over the, um the guest list for the anniversary party, and I thought I thought since your mom is already in town, why don't we invite her? No.
Uh, first of all, there's no way that Jo just happens to be here, okay? Gabe lured her here for the sole purpose of ruining my life, so no.
Plot foiled this time, okay? - This guy is not falling for that shit again.
- Are you fucking kidding me? What's that? Sheriff Lala is fining us for Izzy's door.
Apparently, Marigold 142 isn't an HOA-approved color.
What? Where does she get the balls?! Give me that.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Fuck this! - Yeah, fuck that.
Fuck it! We're not just gonna bend over and take it from this Draconian She-Devil! This is America, God damn it, and that door represents our lives, our family, and our freedom! And scene.
A-plus on the outrage.
I demand to be a part of whatever revenge you two are plotting, but right now, in this moment, I d I I do I I I have to go to work, so I love you.
Goodbye.
I love you, too.
First, they come for my Binge Club.
- Then they come for my - Oh, honey, I don't think you should reference a poem about the Holocaust when you're talking about an HOA kerfuffle.
Point taken.
No, but someone's got to stop Lala's reign of terror, and that somebody is us.
I'm serious.
Yeah, well, I didn't think we would outsource it.
So, what's the plan? Good, old-fashioned shoe leather.
We're gonna start a petition for a special election.
Then we're gonna split up and canvass.
I mean, this is about more than just a door.
This is about our right to be edgy.
"Marigold we won't fold.
" What do you think of that? - It's not bad.
- "Marigold we won't fold.
" I've heard worse.
[SIGHS.]
Note to self drinking confiscated booze never, ever, ever leads to anything good.
Unh-unh.
No.
I feel like that truth should have been self-evident, but clearly, it was not.
Not at all.
[SIGHS.]
Um So, about last night, as they say Mm-hmm.
We didn't kiss, did we? - What? - What? No, ew! No, sorry! Not "ew.
" Just just, uh just one just a regular no.
So, then, we didn't really egg a house, right? Oh, no, we we definitely did that.
Yeah, no, we did the fuck out of that.
- Shit.
- What? I don't know yet, but there will be shit.
[HUMMING.]
For the record, I hate humming.
Oh, come on, nobody hates humming.
Well, maybe something bad happened to me, and, I don't know, somebody was humming while it happened.
Aw, that's sad.
I hum when I'm really happy, and you make me hum.
Oh, right, you didn't brush your teeth this morning? Not the point I was making, but Hey, do you want a ride to work? I got a crazy busy day ahead, - but I could easily just swing by - No, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nice! Oh, stayed in bed 'cause you can.
I can dig that.
Oh hey.
Right.
I'm gonna need a rain check on noodle night.
Yeah, totes sad, but I start interviews tomorrow, and I got a whole stack of résumés to get through, so Well, it doesn't matter 'cause the only way I'd be eating noodles is if you brought them right here.
Cool, cool, cool.
Going after the big white whale, the stuff of myth and lore never-get-out-of-bed day.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Well, you know where to find me just waiting for someone to realize how empty and pointless life is without me.
Yeah, you betcha.
Okay, I'll check in with you later.
Well, enjoy walking upright, barkeep, 'cause you're gonna be crawling back soon enough.
Mwa, ha, ha, ha, ha! Mm.
Were you just talking to somebody? What? No.
You didn't just do an evil-villain laugh? [SCOFFS.]
No.
Just just go.
Go.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Okay, this might take a while.
Fuck.
Hey, Layne.
Hi, dick.
Suck my balls, Trakarsky! Fuck you! [LAUGHTER.]
Hey.
Did the, uh, class president just tell you to suck her balls? It's all good.
Just everyone hates the homophobic asshole who fucked over Alex, and death could come swiftly from any direction.
Okay.
I feel like that's a little bit of an exagg Whoa.
Yeah.
Oh, so, this is the petition nobody's signing.
Uh, no, we have gotten off to a bit of a slow start, but, um, the tide is turning.
You know, once you with your signature, that pen's gonna turn into a sword of tolerance and freedom.
Oh, I thought it was about your door.
It is about my door.
But it's a slippery slope, right? - Mm.
- Yeah.
You have to decide for yourself whether you want this power-hungry authoritarian to start dictating our lives.
Yeah, see, I'm not really like that all political and speechy.
I didn't even vote last time.
Ooh, okay.
Yeah, normally, I would be very upset by your apathy, but right now, I just need you to sign that.
Can you just put, like, an initials or, like, even a smiley face is sufficient.
I really don't want to get sideways with Lala, and what with Marigold 142 being the official color of swingers No.
What? No, it's not.
Well, I mean, who's to say? Me.
I'm to say.
That's not there's no official color of swingers.
They did say that you were gonna get loud and aggressive.
Who's "they"? What do you mean by "loud and aggressive"? I'm gonna go now.
Okay.
Bye.
- "Loud and aggressive"?! - Bye.
I haven't even "Loud and aggressive"? Fuck you! I am loud and aggressive.
You know what? I'm sorry.
Sorry I'm late.
Yeah, well, thank God.
I was going crazy.
Walk with me.
Wow! - Oh, that's Dave.
- Aww! He has a gift for flashy apologies, but there are many, many miles between that man and "aww.
" That is so so You know what? I don't even know, but whatever 'cause what I really need is a signature.
Oh, and we're back to you.
- Okay.
- Oh, no, just just sign it.
- May I read it first? - Why? Because I want to know what I'm signing! - But it's me.
- Oh, yeah, no.
What do you mean "yeah, no"? Are you kidding me? Your door is stupid.
There's a reason HOAs create approved-color lists, and that eyesore is Exhibit A.
What happened to your rebel spirit? What about any of this screams "rebel" to you? My God! Slow your roll, Norma Gay.
- I'm bi.
- Doesn't rhyme.
This isn't about being gay, bi, poly, or trapezoidal.
This is about you not selecting one of 42 HOA-approved colors colors you and I voted on so that people wouldn't trash the neighborhood with stupid doors like yours.
See, that rhymes.
Izzy picked it.
I forgot about the list.
You know, you are the best I've ever seen at whatever it is you do.
Is it drawing buildings? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Um But this right now what you're doing now, the the whole neighborhood thing? You don't want to treat this like a corporation, like, uh, you're leaving a body count on your ruthless climb to the corner office.
Lala is not the enemy.
Did you know that she owns that little hippie shop on the square with the soap and the candles and the groovy hemp skirts? Oh, of course she does.
Okay.
Just try not to destroy anybody, okay? - Okay.
- Snacks are there.
Uh I'm gonna grab my stuff.
Thank you, thank you.
- Bye, girls! - Bye! Have a good day! [DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I miss you.
CALLIE: Poop! [LAUGHS.]
There we go.
Callie, you can wipe her butt, right? Wow, really feeling the secondhand hate here.
Oh, hear that? My new-girl card just spontaneously burst into flames.
Look, I got to find Alex.
I got to talk to him.
Oh, good timing.
- Hey, man, I - Hey, fuck you, "man.
" Who does that shit in 2019 Portland? - Alex, I said I was sorry.
I - Dragging me into your frat-bro scheme to get the girl or whatever I mean, that's bad enough.
But egging my house You you egged his house? - When? - Somebody egged your house? [CHUCKLES.]
You scared the shit out of my mom last night, you raging psychopath.
At least fucking own it.
Look, this is my problem.
Don't follow me, okay? Gabriel.
We both know you didn't egg any houses last night, okay? Why didn't you just say something? Same reason you didn't.
Because I would get high-fives and and you wouldn't.
I'm the asshole here.
I knew you were straight.
I dared you to prove you weren't.
It's stupid.
Look, I'm not a puppet.
Yeah, but you're a teenage boy, and it's not, like, that different.
Instead of strings, you have you know.
Look, I'll figure something out.
I just I don't want you to "I don't give a damn about my reputation.
" - Runaways.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, I'll fix this.
Now you want to love, say you will Don't let go [SIGHS.]
This fucking sucks mostly.
[BOTTLE CAP CLATTERS.]
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Talk fast.
I'm super busy drinking alone in bed.
- It's 12:30.
- I'm making a point.
- That your life is really sad? - No.
I'm on a mission to remind Shaun that nothing matters without me.
And how's that going so far? I'm getting worried that I could rot here - and no one would notice.
- Okay, back to me.
Anyway, um, remember my boss, Nathan? - Test-drive boyfriend? - Whatever.
Um, so, last night we made some not-so-good choices.
You fucked him? - N - Whoa, you are terrible, and I actually, uh, feel better already.
No, I didn't fuck him, okay? We agreed that we were just friends, but then was this, like, almost-kiss, and I'm freaking out about it.
Whatever, it's not about the dude, anyway.
- Explain.
- Everything you've said or done in the past couple of weeks screams that you are nowhere near ready for the life that you're literally signing up for, so you're acting out.
You're, uh, hoping someone else will make the decision for you.
- Still with me? - Barely.
Just sack up and tell the Griswolds that you don't want to spend the rest of your life in Hawthorne Heights and that you do want to have your own babies, and maybe let, um, what's-his-penis know that he's not the one before he says - I need you.
- Huh? I got to go.
What? Gabriel got busted, and Principal Morgan wants to talk to him right now.
- Why? - Kid named Alex accused him of egging his house over a bad date, and there's a petition going around calling it a hate crime and demanding Gabriel's expulsion.
Shit.
Yeah lots of that.
What's all this? Oh, egg hair.
Huh? Uh, somebody egged your house.
Mostly the door.
So, you know Alex just came out last summer, right? He doesn't have the tools to deal with any of this.
Oh, you think this is for him? Are you sure? 'Cause Hawthorne Heights is so progressive.
Oh, you know what they say hate hides everywhere - sometimes in your own family.
- What is that supposed to mean? Alex went out and hung out with a kid from school last night.
When he came home, he was pissed off, but he didn't want to talk about it.
And? And obviously, I went through his phone, saw the kid's name Gabriel.
Only one of those at school.
Same last name as you.
Izzy.
Izzy.
Hold up.
- Hold up! - Why? We can't let Gabriel take the fall.
Of course not, but but let's hold a beat and think this through.
There's nothing to think about.
Hey, we're gonna lose our jobs.
Well, then I'll tell them it was just me.
No! That's not happening.
Okay, look you confess, I confess.
No.
No.
You have way more to lose.
You sure about that? Look, the three of you just barely got that loan.
And if they re-verify, you are going to lose the house.
And I'm not just gonna get fired, Iz No one's gonna hire me.
[SIGHS.]
Why did I drag you into this? You didn't drag me into anything.
I I wanted to be with you.
- Izzy? Izzy! Where the hell have you been? - W I w I was, um - We were we were just discussing the - Oh, we were talking school.
Okay, I don't care.
Um, Gabriel's innocent, and I can prove it.
- What? How? - He was with me all night.
He's trying to protect me, but fuck that.
I'm nobody's damsel.
Look at the time stamp.
NATHAN: Egging happened around 2:00.
Yeah, and we live on the northeast side.
So, he couldn't have done it.
No.
Okay, come with me.
That's what I said.
Dude, what the fuck? I told you I didn't want to talk to him.
- Oh, oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - IZZY: Watch it! Language, please.
I just got off the phone with your grandmother, Sasha.
And she backed you up.
You two are cleared.
You got this? - Yep, thank you, Principal Morgan.
- Thanks, Principal Morgan.
I am so sorry.
Still a dick move, using you like that.
Oh, yeah, you're a massive choad, no doubt about that, but - Choad? - I don't know, if I were straight, I'd probably fake gay for her, too.
Oh, my God.
That is so weird and flattering.
- I - Will you please be my gay best friend? Um, I'll put you on the waiting list, I guess.
It's like we're not even here.
Oh, get used to it.
We reverted to being lamps and furniture once the threat was gone, so Mm.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Why don't you save me? [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Whoa, my inner demons Yeah, we're on the same side [SCOFFS.]
It's just you.
Mm.
Shaun hasn't realized he can't live without you? I think this thing backfired and actually proved the exact opposite.
Okay.
Let's get you up, walk you around a little bit, break up the blood clots, air you out.
Okay.
So, once you're off the bed for any other reason other than beer - Unh, nah.
- It's over? No, you see, I never lose at Bed Battles, and lucky for jou, I'm not in the mood.
Okay? So Ow! Ow! Mmf! Shouldn't you be fixing the latest crisis you caused? Oh, I already did.
I'm still riding the relief buzz.
This is me being here for you! I'm really struggling to see it that way! I'm liberating you from a prison of your own making! Bullshit! You're just annoying me more aggressively than usual! - Oh! Yeah! - No, no! - Yes! - No! - No, no, no! - Yes, yes! What's that? What's that sorry? I can't hear you.
What'd you say? I'm better than you at everything, including being smart and pretty? Oh, my God, stop.
- You don't need to s - Yes! The new Bed Battle champion of the world me! [LAUGHS.]
You're absolutely certain that this is you helping me? Yeah.
And here's the payoff you'll never be alone, and you'll always be needed 'cause you've got me.
Okay, stop threatening me, and get off my bed! Uh, this is my bed now, loser.
Aah! [SIGHS.]
Uh, hard fucking lessons, tough love, baby doll.
Stop looking at me like that! You're gonna judge me now? Jesus Christ.
Maybe I'm saving it for our date! Did you think of that? Dick.
So, yeah, that's when Sasha saved us with those selfies.
[SIGHS.]
I'm so happy to have that behind us.
Nah, I wouldn't say it's behind us just yet.
- Well, I would.
- Yeah, that's true.
Lala's door didn't egg itself.
No.
I mean, I I assume it's a kid, right, because honestly, what adult would do something so idiotic and immature? - Right.
- Mm-hmm.
Certainly not someone in this neighborhood, right? Oh, no.
Talk about shitting where you sleep.
- It's vexing, isn't it? - Mm-hmm.
I know.
We'll probably never know.
It's a mystery for the ages.
- Theories will abound.
- Mm.
Podcasts will be produced, probably.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Well, I wonder who that could be.
I don't know, honey.
Let's find out.
Why are you guys being weird? Oh, Iz! It's Lala, and she brought a movie.
Okay.
What kind of movie? A mash-up of my two favorite genres true crime and found footage from my neighbor's security camera.
I'll get the popcorn.
You haven't done You haven't done anything You haven't done anything wrong Because you haven't done anything I wonder what it feels like To not even have to try No action, no consequence So just go back to your normal life Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh I wonder what it's like