You Me Her (2016) s04e08 Episode Script

A Whole Bouillabaisse of Crazy

1 Previously on "You Me Her" You actually named the bar "Therapy"? - I actually did.
- Just because you're suddenly an entrepreneur with a magical penis doesn't mean that you're the new sheriff in town, capisce? Mom's coming to town, and Jack's gonna make nice with her, or I'm gonna go postal on his ass.
Sheriff Lala is fining us for Izzy's door.
That door represents our lives, our family, and our freedom! And scene.
A-plus on the outrage.
Jack and Emma, you stepped outside of your relationship to find a spark, and that spark's name is Izzy.
So why shouldn't she have the same opportunity to explore? - Is that what you want? - No.
Remember my boss Nathan? Last night, we made some not-so-good choices.
Holy shit.
We just egged the holy fuck out of Lala's door.
Hey, we're gonna lose our jobs.
Why did I drag you into this? I wanted to be with you.
It's Lala, and she brought a movie.
What kind of movie? A mash-up of my two favorite genres true crime and found footage.
From my neighbor's security camera.
Neighbor burned me a copy of his security cam footage so I can take it to the police.
What? You're looking a little rough, sugar baby.
Excuse me? Did you break into the grown-up's liquor cabinet? If you have something to say to me Ooh! This is the good part! - Is that Nathan? - Bam! - Huh? - It's [SIGHS] Nothing to see.
What the fuck, Iz? Was Coach Remi right? - Do you want to see other people? - No! No, that's are you guys fucking kidding me? I mean, it it it's not what it look I mean, I ca I can't.
I Okay, so you guys are seeing what you want to see.
That's clear.
What what is that supposed to mean? You think we wanted you to cheat? - I - Hey, how's about you save the therapy for some other time and we circle on back to the tape? In what way is you making out with Nathan our fault? - Or not.
- A, I didn't.
[SCOFFS] And B, you know what? How about we just cut the bullshit, okay? And let's just admit that we're never leaving Stepford, and I'm never having my own kids.
How about you cut the bullshit, Izzy? Saying that we want you to run off with Nathan is the most desperate diversion I have ever heard in my fucking life.
Okay, so, when you got pregnant, we didn't just circle right back around to the life you dreamt of before we met, right? If this isn't what you want, then why didn't you just say something? You know, instead of buying us pumpkin spice candles and planning a party.
It seems implied, like, it's mixed into this great big bouillabaisse of crazy, but you are confessing, right? I'm sorry, Lala.
If I lose my job, we're gonna lose this house, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but Hawthorne Heights is as good a place as any.
What? It is? I said I'd try, so I will.
This is intense.
Listen, uh, how's about you stay off my lawn and clean that egg off my door, and we'll call it a day, okay, sugar baby? I will.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] [CELLPHONE RINGING] Oh, fuck.
It's Helen.
Oh, God, I need this.
Hey Hey, Mr.
Sunshine Come on and light my day Bringing on the good times When you come out to play Hey Oh Come on and light my day Shine down so we can play Come on, come out today Come on, come out today Guys, guys, guys.
I got news.
I got glorious news.
- I just won the lottery.
- Is Is that a joke? That That's a joke, right? Please tell me that's a fucking joke.
Five hunny, baby.
Dinner's on Daddy.
Okay, for the record, if he won five billion, I still wouldn't call him that.
Unless you were screamin' it, am I right? - A sex joke.
- Okay.
So exciting! Hey, um, I'm gonna go pee for a while and maybe scarf your best vodka.
Probably at the same time.
So just, uh, have a wonderful day you Uh You, uh Winner.
"Daddy?" Oh, yeah, I'd go back and leave that one in the chamber if I could.
Look at all these words I'm saying Oh Look at how our hearts beat Uh, no, no, I understand.
Well, thank you for being honest.
Yeah, if we could just [SIGHS] It's over.
And houses on this block hit the market, like - Never.
- Yeah, never.
Yeah, somebody convinced her to take a matching offer and that no one wants us in the neighborhood.
We made up, remember? You guys can't possibly think that this makes me happy.
[SCOFFS] [SIGHS] Honey, you're gonna hurt yourself just say it.
I need to know that this will never happen again, okay? We're about to have twins.
We don't need a third child.
Well, you've made that pretty damn clear, haven't you, Em? You know what? Let's let's settle down, okay? Nobody's decided anything about anything.
No, you know what? She's right.
I don't want any more kids.
Full stop.
Iz, we're almost 40.
We want to retire someday, travel.
That's not gonna happen if we're paying college tuitions into our sixties.
And we've talked about this so many times.
Unless you've changed your mind.
Well, there it is.
Thanks, I guess.
My issue isn't with the concept of fitness, per se.
It's with the people that actually pursue it, you know? Mm-hmm.
I pursue things that are easier to catch.
Like the perfect pairing of a cheeseburger and a craft beer.
But, like, my fear is that the moment I find it, I die.
[BOTH GIGGLE] I'm joking? Uh, cool.
Brilliant.
I mean, you just get it, all of it.
You just strip it down to its most fundamental principles.
I do all those things? That seems so unlikely.
- You're an amazing human.
- Hmm.
And I would love to play just a small role in whatever it is that you're creating here.
It's a bar, okay? With stools and booths.
Sorry, carry on.
All the love.
Ahh.
How 'bout her, huh? Got a signature sign off and everything.
She's certainly a a shrew.
Oh, my God, right? Horrible, horrible interviewee.
- Wait, oh, you're leaving? - Yep.
Can you actually Oh, a are you seriously asking me to take out that bag of trash? Uh I could easily lie to you right now.
But I won't 'cause I respect you too much.
And it's right there, and you were just heading out, and And and and what? You're the boss? Hmm? Is that what you were gonna say? No, I was gonna say, it's just full of Styrofoam, so it's not heavy or gross, but if you don't want to I quit, okay? Good luck finding another bartender with a PhD.
Fun fact, seven of the applicants Oh, Jesus, really? Oh, nope.
Neen, you're not seriously gonna quit a bar that I named for you? I'm, uh I'm quitting everything.
I'm so confused right now.
Yeah, that is abundantly clear.
Every bumpy road leads us to this rug.
The hub of our universe.
[BOTH LAUGH] Because we know we can only get here and to each other by sabotaging ourselves.
Uh, speak for yourself, head shrinker.
I'm the victim.
Shaun did this to me.
By getting his shit together? Uh, by naming his bar after you? By being really good at sex? Oh, and, like, firing off pheromones like a fireworks show? Come on.
He won the lottery.
Like metaphorically? Literally.
Of course he did.
Okay, tell me your shit.
It always makes me feel better.
Well Jack and Emma don't want any more kids.
"Full stop.
" Oh, fuck.
I really thought that you were in the batter's box.
I was.
And then Emma hit a, uh two-child walk-off homer.
They're never leaving Hawthorne Heights, and they don't want any more kids.
And we all keep keeping secrets because we're all scared shitless that our truths can't live together.
And I think I think that this commitment party has become like a, um A what? Like, a, um like a deadline, or something.
Hey Hey.
That is way too heavy for one little girl, so let me help, okay? Okay.
So, don't buy the house with them, and don't adopt their kids.
Does that really mean that it has to be over? I think it does, yeah.
Well, you'll always have me.
Always.
I mean, it's pretty clear at this point that we both keep blowing up our other relationships so we can fulfill our destinies of being stoned spinsters who can only stand each other.
But for real, you, uh you got to stop running to me to tell me your truth, and you got to start laying it on them.
You guys are all scared shitless of rocking the boat but the boat needs to be rocked.
Hey.
Hello, you hear me? Say something.
Power washer.
Calling me home You're thinking about Nathan and Izzy, aren't you? Yeah.
That freeze-frame image is seared onto my eyelids.
Maybe Coach Crazy was right, and that's why she was "almost kissing" Nathan.
Yeah, well, I couldn't do it his way.
No strings attached, each of us free to see other people? I mean, I know myself.
I couldn't take it.
- Same.
- So, tea, yes, maybe? You know what? No offense, Marty, but this is the opposite of a tea situation.
Oh, look.
It's Polly.
And Polly's Penis.
Will, the neighbors want to talk to you about the I don't care.
- Hold on.
- Wait.
You're the one screwing us over on the house, aren't you? Oh, because I'm gay and fashionable and thin and therefore the nosy neighbor all up in your beeswax? Because you're an asshole.
Objective fact.
Ask anyone.
- Yeah.
- Ugh, I'm already bored of this.
Uh, sure, fine, yeah, it was it was me.
Huh.
So you're railroading us out of this neighborhood over an orange fucking door.
Oh, I love your door.
Gonna paint our bedroom Marigold 142.
And by the time I'm done, a nice normal couple with two and a half kids will be moving into the Wilberg house.
A a normal couple? Normal couple? Yeah, I'm saying I'd rather have a grotesque half-child lurching around than you three asshats.
Wha did I seriously just hear that from a member of our community? You can back that shit up real quick, Polly.
We are not members of the same community.
L.
G.
B.
T.
Q.
The The "G" and the "B" are, like, literally side-by-side.
So, some chamomile? We're, uh that's what we're Spoiler alert: Your movie ends badly.
Mnh-mnh.
"Open" is a myth.
A toxic, destructive myth.
- I feel sorry for you.
- Yeah.
Somebody hurt you.
Wrong.
I did the hurting.
So much, and now I get to drag all that behind me like some backasswards Sisyphus.
Fine, but you see us hurting anyone? Yeah, I do.
So, vodka it is.
[DOOR CLOSES] Hey.
Whoa.
Leave any for me? Beer or the self-loathing? For an alcoholic, they're both one in the same.
I always forget that about you.
That's good, because as a people, we can be intermittently insufferable.
Up until three hours and nine minutes ago, I had the girl of my dreams.
Women started looking at me like I was like I was Ryan Reynolds' bigger-boned but more approachable brother.
I was $500 richer.
You blew your fortune already? I gave it all away.
Who does that? But what good is money if your heart is is It's like that chocolate Easter bunny you forgot at the back of the fridge.
It's it's just cold, and it's it's hollow.
And then when you bite into it, it shatters into a million pieces.
You been saving that one up for a while? - You might want to put it back.
- What the hell did I do? Why why why's she so mad at me? Just because things are going my way for once? I mean, my successes are her successes, and vice versa, because we're we're a team.
Does she know that? That last part? Well, we're talking about a woman who openly refers to me as her slave.
She literally texts me a to-do list every Monday.
I'm I'm pretty sure she's confident in this relationship.
Yeah, but is she, though? C can we can we dispense with the leading questions and get to the hard-earned drunk-pants wisdom? Okay, coming atcha: In all honesty, I have never seen a more literal example of zero-to-hero than you in all my life.
Sorry, and you're welcome.
No worries.
Thank you.
She's afraid of any man who has more power than her because she's been hurt.
Yeah, more like destroyed.
Her first love.
But come on, man.
I'm I'm Shaun the fuckin' bartender.
Even I know I'm an affable dipshit.
Yeah, but that was "Parks and Rec" Chris Pratt.
This is "Jurassic Park" Chris Pratt.
- Ah.
- Ah.
Yeah, don't don't don't do that.
See? I'm an affable dipshit.
I've made peace with this.
You're living the dream, man.
She was the best part of the dream.
And now we've come full circle.
Does she know that? Oh.
- See? - There you go.
That's a good one.
Ben, you're like Yoda.
You know, if he was a carpenter, which would be more like Jesus.
Holy shit, man, you're Jesus.
Your words, not mine.
Can't wear sandals on a construction site, though.
No, you can't.
Hey.
- What's this? - Oh, this? This giant contraption that I just hauled in? Um, well, it's a ridiculously on-the-nose metaphor for a clean slate.
Babe, let's keep this in perspective.
All you did was get drunk and egg Lala's door.
I think that it's more than that.
Sometimes an egg is just an egg and a door is just a door.
Okay, Freud.
I don't think that this is one of those times.
I drank my frontal lobe into submission, and my id shat where I sleep, and I'm gonna wash away the egg, but I do think that we need to talk about the shit.
What is your shitty id trying to tell us? Isn't it obvious? She hates it here.
That's not true.
Okay, well, it's not entirely true.
I just think that maybe I'm here sooner than I thought.
We're keeping things to ourselves to protect our happy ending, and we're afraid to admit that maybe we don't want exactly the same things at exactly the same time.
Yeah.
Polly foul number 4.
- Oh, fuck that shit.
- Yeah, fuck that shit.
What are we? My dad was right.
Don't tell him that, but someone has to compromise, and this time it's gonna be me.
Hawthorne Heights is your home, and it makes sense for you and your babies.
Our our babies.
Our babies.
You're amazing.
And we are family! And that's worth fighting for, I think.
Okay, listen.
- Focus.
- Dad, you said the thing.
Yeah, well, just focus a little more.
Well, then you do it.
Don't listen don't worry about the paint.
HOA list has scads of perfectly good options.
No reason whatsoever to stray outside of it, right? I was doing one spot just like you said.
Oh, Will, Marty, you're here.
Sorry.
Um, could I have a moment? Thank you for coming.
Just hold on one sec.
Okay, um, I want to apologize for all the trouble that I've caused, and I'm gonna paint our door one of Lala's colors.
I'm gonna say this real slow 'cause you don't seem to be grasping the concept.
It's not about the fucking door.
LALA: That's especially true now that I filled out a request for Marigold 142.
And, after careful deliberation, I approved it.
Thank you.
We disrespected the community, and we behaved like we were above it or outside of it or whatever.
Look, it's on us to fit in, and I think we know that now.
- However - You may just want to stop right there.
Almost done.
However, you are totally within your rights to bitch about the color of the door and anything that happens outside of it, but what happens inside is none of your fucking business.
- Oh.
- Are we clear? You made your point, Sugar Baby.
Mm, that's gonna stop.
I'm gonna need you to say "We're clear, Izzy," because that's my name.
- We are clear, Izzy.
- We're clear, Izzy.
I never had an issue with you.
I know.
I will take that, so, thanks.
Um, one last thing, I want the house, okay? - I can't fuck this up for them.
- Sorry.
It's out of my hands now.
Whoa.
Okay, maybe I can make the other offer go away, but it won't be easy.
Done.
Ah, I'm exhausted.
You owe me.
I'm gonna go take a well-deserved nap.
Thank you so much.
Probably not hugging, though, sorry.
- Okay.
- I'm hugging.
- Thank you.
- Oh, you're a little wet.
Oh, that's not a problem.
I like that big stick.
What's happening? - Is he in this, uh - No.
Just gonna ask if he used vinegar.
- Like that?- That's great.
- Hey.
- Nope, you just sit.
You can sit.
Cool we're not, uh that's how it is.
No hugs.
Uh, sorry.
Um Here's the thing.
Um There was this very s specific moment the other night when you when you joined me behind the hedge.
The Almost Kiss.
I just need to be perfectly clear that it wasn't that for me.
But then I I watched the security footage, - and I realized that - You realized it was? For you.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Look.
We're extremely compatible.
I mean, there's there's no there's no denying that.
- B but but Nina said - You talked to Nina about me.
[STAMMERING] [SIGHS] Nina said that it was never about you.
And shitty as that sounds, it's true.
I mean, just imagining any version of my life without them, it makes me, like like, the saddest I've ever been.
That's that's gonna bruise.
Hmm? Nothing.
Can we be good? Please? 'Cause I I'd really like us to be good.
Yeah, yeah.
Um try this again.
See you at school? Not if I see you first, nerd.
Got you running like a stream You know there's too much world to see still But come home safe Come home safe Any given day, any given night You went running out the gate No, you never lost your place You never left my mind Won't you come home safe The door is always open wide Jack.
Mom.
Just come home safe Come home safe Any given day Any given night You went running out the gate No, you never lost your place You never left my mind So, won't you come home safe The door is always open wide