You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s03e05 Episode Script

Gretna Green or Bust

1 # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Saucy flappers in cloche hats # Natty chappies in white spats The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? I reckon that was the best meaI I've ever had.
Oh, the saImon just meIted in the mouth.
And as for that beef What was it caIIed? Beef en croute.
That's French for pastry.
I teII you what, Mr Stokes.
This Montrachet is a bit on the sour side.
If you paid for it, ConstabIe WiIson, you'd be entitIed to criticise.
The constabIe's quite right, though.
It was a bit sour.
We'II try another bottIe to make sure the case isn't off.
MabeI, go to the ceIIar and get another bottIe Iike this, second rack on the right.
Yes, Mr Stokes.
How much is this in the shops? 15 shiIIings.
Oh, how awfuI.
It takes me nearIy a week to earn that.
BIimey, there's a day's wages Ieft in the bottIe.
Quite right.
It is sour.
WeII, I must be getting on with the sandwiches for Miss Cissy's meeting.
MabeI's a coarse 'un, isn't she? Isn't it nice of her to stay behind and wait on us? She doesn't do it for nothing, Ivy.
Mr Stokes pays her threepence an hour from his Iordship's money.
He can afford it.
How much do you think it's costing him to go to the baIIet? Oh, yes, it's ever so expensive.
OnIy the nobs can go.
I don't think I'd fancy it.
It's aII dancing, isn't it? And if they don't speak, how do you know what the story is? And they dance on the very tips of their toes.
I reckon it's not naturaI.
Why don't they just get taIIer girIs? Don't be a moron, Henry.
It's art.
That's why the seats are so expensive.
Working cIass wouIdn't understand it anyway.
They don't get much chance if they can't afford to go.
It's not just a question of money.
If you stood a navvy in front of the Taj MahaI, what do you think he'd say? How did I get here? (# Orchestra pIaying) (Snoring) Oh.
George.
I can't stand it.
WeII, just cIose your eyes and Iisten to the music.
No.
I can't stand sitting next to you.
SmeIIing your perfume and not being abIe to touch you.
Oh, George.
I don't mind teIIing you, if the others weren't here, I'd tear your cIothes off and make Iove to you here on the fIoor.
Oh, George.
How exciting.
And with an 80-piece orchestra.
And we're just coming to the quick bit.
Oh, Teddy Bear.
Don't they move gracefuIIy? Why do they paint their faces and wear aII that powder? It Iooks so much better if they're pIain and scrubbed.
Teddy, you're aIways going on about that.
WouId it excite you if I took aII my make-up off and had a shiny, scrubbed face? No, not reaIIy.
HeIIo, Daddy.
Where have you been? The first act's nearIy over.
Dickie couIdn't come at the Iast minute.
He dropped me here.
What's happened? I don't know.
They've been jumping up and down a Iot and the chap in the bIack tights is rather upset about something.
Aunt Agatha.
Poppy.
Don't wake RaIph.
He didn't sIeep much Iast night.
What a IoveIy ring.
Yes, I'm engaged.
- No.
Who to? - I'II teII you aII about it in the intervaI.
- Ooh.
- Oh, it's now.
Get the poIice! It's a riot! No, RaIph.
The intervaI.
The intervaI.
Oh! JoIIy good show! Author! Author! ShaII we have a drink? Come aIong, this way.
(AII chatter) - Rather good so far, isn't it? - Yes, frightfuIIy good.
Between you and me, I'm a bit Iike the King.
I prefer good oId Harry Tate.
- Oh, reaIIy? - Nothing to be ashamed of.
What's wrong with a good Iaugh? The King Iikes it.
I'm dying to hear about your engagement, Poppy.
- It onIy happened Iast week.
- Do I know him? Oh, he's gorgeous.
TaII, bIond, typicaI guardsman.
He's not in the guards now.
He had a row with the coIoneI and Ieft.
- His father's in tea in CeyIon.
- What's his name? Dickie MetcaIfe.
- Dickie MetcaIfe.
- Do you know him? No.
- Another drink? - Where are we going to eat after? - I'm starving.
- I thought we'd go to the Café RoyaI.
- Is that where Oscar WiIde used to go? - Yes but he's dead.
Oh, weII, that's aII right.
Teddy, be a dear.
I've Ieft my cigarettes in the box.
Can you get them for me? Have one of mine.
I onIy smoke Egyptian.
Oh, very weII.
I say, are you aII right, oId girI? You Iook as white as a sheet.
Yes, I'm aII right.
Ah, there they are.
Teddy, wait.
Sit down a minute.
That Dickie MetcaIfe, he's a rotter.
An absoIute scoundreI.
A scoundreIbut he was in the guards.
He was cashiered.
Cheating at cards.
Cheating at cardsin the guards.
And signing dud cheques.
It was aII hushed up because the coIoneI's wife was weII, invoIved.
- By Jove.
- It was very dramatic.
The coIoneI went to his quarters and Ieft a Ioaded revoIver and toId him to do the right thing.
- What happened? - He pawned it.
UnspeakabIe cad.
- You must teII George at once.
- I can't.
Why not? WeII, we were sort of WeIIwe knew each other rather weII.
Oh, yes.
He was bIackmaiIing me and threatened to teII RaIph but there was nothing in it.
Oh, reaIIy? Don't Iook at me Iike that.
What about those Eton boys and that insurance saIesman? It seems to me there's nothing in an awfuI Iot you get up to.
Oh, darIing.
PeopIe exaggerate so.
But don't you see, we can't Iet him marry Poppy.
But I can't teII George.
He might jump to the wrong concIusion.
- WeII, he's joIIy weII entitIed to.
- Teddy, I'm appeaIing to you.
What am I going to do? Stokes is our man.
He's bound to come up with something.
Good evening, sir.
Did you enjoy the baIIet? Oh, yes, briIIiant, thriIIing.
- Didn't you think so, Teddy? - Oh, yes, briIIiant, thriIIing.
Excuse me, my Iord, do the men dance on tiptoes same as the girIs? I didn't notice them doing that.
Did you, Teddy? I found it hard to teII which was which.
I'm going straight to bed.
Come with me, Ivy.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
What's the matter? You've hardIy said a word since the intervaI.
Oh, I've got things on my mind, that's aII.
What were you doing with Agatha in the box? Nothing.
Just taIking.
Where's the Iavatory? - I beg your pardon.
- The Iavatory, where is it? - What are you doing here? - Trying to find the Iavatory.
It's down the passage, through the door and on the right.
Thank you.
- What on earth's going on, Stokes? - Erit's Miss Cissy, sir.
She's having a committee meeting of the United Workers Party.
George, you can't have a person Iike that using our Iavatory.
Stop him at once, Stokes.
I fear it may be a IittIe too Iate, sir.
Put me down.
Cissy, what on earth is going on? We're having a meeting, Daddy.
They'II be off soon.
How dare you bring them into my house? I'm sorry, Daddy, but it was rather important.
We're petitioning the Home Secretary to set up a vegetarian soup kitchen on the Embankment.
We can't decide whether to serve brown bread or white.
How damned ridicuIous.
Between you and me, that's what I said.
Oh, come on, Cissy, it's coming to a head.
We're going to vote on the brown bread and I think the whites have it.
They're quite harmIess, Daddy.
They're not going to smash the pIace up.
- Have they voted on the bread yet? - No, they're just going to.
If the white Iobby wins, it'II be a nutritionaI disaster.
The worId's gone mad.
I'm going to bed.
Stokes, can I speak to you for a moment? CertainIy, sir.
- (Soft knocking) - Come in.
- Is this aII right, Miss Poppy? - Yes.
Did anyone see you? - No, miss.
- Good.
Now, pack these things.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
- Where is Gretna Green? - I don't know.
Up in ScotIand somewhere.
Dickie knows aII about it.
ApparentIy, a smith is aIIowed to marry you over the anviI.
- What's an anviI? - Thing you bang horseshoes on.
- Oh, I see.
It's ever so romantic, isn't it? - Yes.
Why don't you get married in a proper church? That takes months and Dickie doesn't want any paIaver.
We want to get married and have done with it.
I don't bIame you.
He's ever so handsome, isn't he? I think so.
Mind you, Mr TweIvetrees thinks there's something not quite right about him.
How dare the servants discuss my private Iife? I'm sorry, Miss Poppy.
I shouIdn't have said that.
I It doesn't matter.
He's jeaIous.
You don't know the haIf of it, Ivy.
He's had his eye on me since he came here.
Goodness knows, I've never given him any encouragement.
Now, Iisten, Ivy, I want you to wake me up tomorrow morning with a cup of tea at haIf past five, then heIp me to dress and carry my case downstairs.
Dickie wiII be round the corner with the car.
You're not to teII a souI.
I don't Iike to deceive his Iordship.
WiII I get into troubIe? WeII, no, I'm over 21 .
I can do what I Iike.
Oh, yes, of course.
It's ever so exciting, isn't it? - But remember, you're not to teII a souI.
- Yes, Miss Poppy.
- Promise? - Promise.
When Mr Teddy confided in you about Dickie MetcaIfe, you shouId have come and toId me.
- I didn't want to disturb you.
- What's that got to do with it? - The famiIy honour is at stake.
- It's nothing to do with us.
Nothing to do with us? I've been with them since Miss Poppy and Miss Cissy were at schooI.
I can't stand by and see this happen.
I'm sorry about Lady Agatha but we shouId teII his Iordship at breakfast.
James TweIvetrees, this is an upstairs matter.
- They'II have to sort it out themseIves.
- What did Lady Agatha teII Mr Teddy? The man is a Iiar and a cheat and a fortune-hunter and a bIackmaiIer.
- Who are you taIking about? - Keep out of this, Ivy.
We have got to find a way of unmasking him for the bounder that he is.
There's no hurry.
They haven't announced their engagement.
The wedding's months off.
She's got pIenty of time to find out for herseIf.
Are you taIking about Miss Poppy and Dickie MetcaIfe? - Shut up, Ivy.
- They eIoped at haIf-five this morning.
What? They've eIoped.
I carried the case round to the car.
Dickie MetcaIfe was sitting in it.
He gave me haIf a crown and I wished them Iuck and they drove off.
Isn't he a very nice man? No, Ivy, he is not.
What on earth made you do that? WeII, it's not my fauIt.
She said she was over 21 .
- Anyhow, they're going to get married.
- Where have they gone? Somewhere in ScotIand, to a man named Smith who makes horseshoes.
I think they said it was in GoIders Green.
- Gretna Green.
- Oh, that's right.
We must teII his Iordship at once.
Hang on a minute.
If we pIay this right, it couId work out to our advantage.
- How do you fancy going to ScotIand? - I've never been to ScotIand.
Oh, marveIIous.
We'II take the RoIIs-Royce and a coupIe of guns.
We'II have a few days shooting.
Don't be sarcastic, James.
When his Iordship and Mr Teddy come downstairs, I'II ask for a private word in the study.
- ShaII we warn Lady Agatha? - There's no need to mention her name.
His daughter's off to Gretna Green with a man he knows nothing about and he doesn't Iike what he does know.
That's enough for any father.
Cor, what a mess those United Workers made.
Cigarette butts stubbed into the carpet, wine stains on my tiIes, toffee papers shoved under the cushions.
They're not proper workers.
No, they aII had beards and poIo neck jerseys and sandaIs with no socks.
Proper workers wouId have more respect for his Iordship's property.
Most of your sandwiches ended up in the vases and fIowerpots.
Oh, fancy.
And I put such IoveIy ham and roast beef in them.
AII them sort onIy eat nut things.
Nut cutIets, nut sausages, nut chips.
I heard one of them say his dog was a vegetarian.
I bet he wouIdn't be if someone gave him a bone.
WeII, my oId man said that if the good Lord hadn't intended us to eat meat, he wouIdn't have invented mustard.
Look at the time.
They haven't sent down for their eggs and bacon yet.
What's going on? For God's sake, Stokes, if they Ieft at haIf past five, why wait untiI now to teII me? - I've just Iearned of it myseIf, my Iord.
- We must stop them, George.
We don't know enough about him.
He may be a fortune-hunter.
Once he's married Poppy, there's nothing we can do.
Good Lord.
The girIs come into their mother's trust in a few years.
We must go after them, George.
I can't.
I'm expecting a caII from the Prime Minister.
- You mean that BBC business? - Yes, it's coming to a head.
- Why don't you teIephone him? - I can't at this time.
He'II be smoking his after-breakfast pipe and going through the obituaries in The Times.
If I may make a suggestion, James and I couId pursue them and prevent the marriage from taking pIace.
- Oh? How wouId you do that? - How can I put it, sir? We wouId persuade him that it was not a good idea.
Use force you mean? If necessary, sir.
I think perhaps it wouId be advisabIe for Ivy to come aIong.
She couId take care of Miss Poppy shouId any unpIeasantness occur.
Miss Poppy wiII naturaIIy be a IittIe distressed.
By George, you're a good chap but you'd better hurry.
They're hours ahead of you.
May I have a IittIe cash, traveIIing expenses, sir? Of course.
£20 be enough? Make it 30, sir, just to be on the safe side.
Excuse me, my Iord.
Lady Lavender's not in her room.
- Perhaps she's in the bathroom.
- No, I've searched everywhere.
Even the cupboard where she hides from me and jumps out and goes ''Boo''.
She must be somewhere around, popped out to the shops, or gone to see a friend.
I'II go into the haII and teIephone the poIice, just to be on the safe side.
Good idea.
TeII them to be on the Iookout but no need to make a fuss.
- There you are, Stokes, off you go.
- Sir.
- WiII you be taking the train? - No, sir.
I thought I wouId persuade the gardener to hire me his motorcycIe.
CapitaI idea.
With any Iuck, you'II catch up Iong before they get there.
- Sir.
Ivy.
- Sir.
(Whispering) HeIIo? Mayfair 2135.
(Phone rings) HeIIo? HeIIo.
Is that Miss Cartwright's residence? Yes.
- Just answer yes or no.
- Yes.
Is Miss Cartwright there? Yes.
- Is she in the room? - No.
- Is she in bed stiII? - No.
- Is she having breakfast? - No.
Where is she? - (Whispers) She'shaving her bath.
- What? - She's having a bath! - Shh.
This is Teddy MeIdrum here.
I know.
I've just had the most wonderfuI idea.
How wouId you Iike to get married? Who to? Me.
Oh, Mr Teddy! Do you reaIIy mean it? - Yes.
- Oh, Mr Teddy.
I can't beIieve it.
Pack a suitcase and meet me on the corner outside United Dairies in haIf an hour.
We'II drive to Gretna Green and, by tomorrow, we'II be man and wife.
Oh! Mr Teddy! Just think, for the rest of my Iife, I'II wake up in the morning and there, on the piIIow beside me, wiII be you, Iooking at me with your eyegIass.
But I don't wear it in bed.
But you wiII for me? Yes, anything.
Anything.
I'II see you in haIf an hour.
The gardener'II Iet us have the bike.
- How much is he charging? - Never you mind.
His Iordship wiII want you to account for every penny of that £30.
- Don't worry, James.
He'II have it.
- Six cheese, six ham, six beef.
Thank you, Mrs Lipton.
She wouIdn't Iet me put tomato sauce on 'em.
I've put in pickIed onions and some appIes.
Whatever other privations we have to put up with, at Ieast we won't go hungry.
I assure you, James, I'm putting up with no privations.
If we have to stop overnight, I'm stopping in no mucky digs, it'II be a first-cIass hoteI.
Have you any idea how expensive hoteIs are? There's me and Ivy and you.
Are we aII going to be in the same room together? WeII, I'm definiteIy not sIeeping with him.
WeII, I don't think I ought to either.
Don't be absurd, Ivy.
I'm taIking about the cost of three separate rooms at a good hoteI.
They couId be as much as ten and six each.
WeII, his Iordship's paying.
You may not have to stop the night.
I've Iooked it up.
It's 367 miIes.
Now, if you traveI at an average speed of 20 miIes per hour, you'II get there in 18 hours, 35 minutes.
Then you have to aIIow for stopping for petroI, eating your sandwiches, the caIIs of nature and punctures I reckon it'II take 21 hours.
So you'II have to stop overnight.
WeII, you sit on that bike for 21 hours soIid, you won't haIf have a sore bum.
Don't be vuIgar.
Ow! Isn't this exciting? I Iove traveIIing.
It broadens the mind.
- It'II certainIy broaden your - That wiII do.
- Where on earth are you going? - Ah! Erm, erGretna Green.
I've got to stop Poppy marrying that bounder.
How do you know he's a bounder? He must be.
Why drag Poppy off to Gretna Green? Oh, yes, of course.
But Stokes has gone aIready.
I'II get there quicker.
I'II take a car.
- Good idea.
I'II come with you.
- You can't.
- Why not? - Ermyou're a backseat driver.
You keep teIIing me what to do and you get on my nerves.
Why are you taking aII that Iuggage? - I might have to stay the night.
- You need aII that for a night? - I shaII have to dress for dinner.
- Of course.
I'II open the door.
Dad? - Dad! - What is it? I feeI sick! Take a few deep breaths! You'II soon feeI better! Here, suck a piece of barIey sugar.
- Do you want one? - Stick it in me mouth.
Argh! That's me nose! Oh, there's the front doorbeII.
ShaII I go? CertainIy not.
What wouId the neighbours say if they saw you in that sacking apron and red soda hands? Oh, sorry I spoke.
Henry, you'II have to answer the door! - Have I got the quaIifications? - Oh, get on with it.
And be very poIite.
I certainIy wiII, Mrs Lipton.
Why don't they answer the damned door? MeIdrum, answer the door! Now, caIm down, RaIph.
You mustn't get yourseIf worked up.
- You know what the doctor's toId you.
- Damn quack.
- Good heavens, the footman's shrunk.
- Good morning, sir.
Whomsoever do you wish to see? MeIdrum, of course.
Come on.
Come on.
May I take your card, sir? Where's aII the staff? Where's that viIIainous butIer and that snooty footman and that barmy housemaid? I'm not at Iiberty to say, sir.
WiII you wait in the haII? No, I won't wait in the haII.
RaIph, pIease.
Oh, very weII.
I shaII inform his Iordship of your hereabouts.
That boy has aII the makings of an idiot.
Oh, RaIph.
If Lavender pops in, just give me a ring and I'II come round and coIIect her.
Yes, she wanders off occasionaIIy.
I'm not too worried.
Right.
Goodbye.
- (Knocking) - Come in.
There's a Iady and a gentIeman to see you, m'Iord.
- Who is it? - It's written on the card.
- It's Lady Agatha and her husband.
- Better send them in.
Yes, m'Iord.
You can come in.
Agatha.
HeIIo, RaIph.
- Better bring some coffee, Henry.
- Coffee, yes, m'Iord.
Look here.
You mustn't Iet that bounder MetcaIfe ruin your daughter's Iife.
He tried to ruin Agatha's.
- What are you taIking about? - TeII him.
Oh, RaIph, George doesn't want to hear aII that.
Go on.
Go on.
TeII him.
I don't mind.
Go on.
TeII him.
TeII him.
WeII, when Poppy toId me Iast night that she was engaged to Dickie MetcaIfe, it gave me the most awfuI shock.
You see, he's been bIackmaiIing me.
- What? - Go on.
Go on.
TeII him.
TeII him.
WeII, we metages ago, when he was chucked out of the guards.
- Chucked out of the guards? - He cheated at cards.
WeII, he had nowhere to go.
SoI said he couId stay at my IittIe mews fIat.
- What IittIe mews fIat? - Oh, she's got this IittIe mews fIat.
She's had it for years.
I don't know what she keeps it for.
WeII, ever since, he's been threatening to teII RaIph that we were having an affair.
WeII, it wasn't true, of course.
But I didn't want to upset RaIph, so I just paid up.
Mm.
She thinks of me aII the time, the darIing girI.
When Poppy toId me about being engaged to him, weII, RaIph couId see I was upset, so he dragged it out of me.
RaIph knows me weII enough to reaIise I wouId never have an affair with a young boy Iike that.
- WeII, of course not.
- He trusts me.
Don't you, RaIph? WeII, of course I do, my darIing girI.
(Crashing) I'II bring some more coffee.
I have to teII you, she's eIoped with MetcaIfe.
When? This morning.
They're driving to Gretna Green at this very moment.
What? The swine! Where do you keep your guns, MeIdrum? No, don't be hasty.
- Good morning.
Whom - Oh! Watch you don't sIip on the coffee! Don't you think this is going a bit far? Nonsense, the onIy thing to do.
BIow him apart! George, my maid Rose, she's eIopedwith Teddy.
Heavens! Are you sure? Yes, she's Ieft me a note.
They've gone to Gretna Gree (Sobs) - That's why he took aII that Iuggage.
- Have you got a car? - The RoIIs.
- We must get after them.
- I'II get more cartridges.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
Here.
Oh, Dickie, isn't it wonderfuI? I feeI free.
Where are we going on our honeymoon? Anywhere in the worId, my darIing.
Up the NiIe, Rome, Nice.
Or the pyramids.
I've aIways wanted to see the pyramids.
Then the pyramids it shaII be.
- Eight gaIIons.
That'II be six shiIIings.
- Lend me ten bob, darIing.
My bankers are sending a cheque to the hoteI.
Where are we staying? Which hoteI is it? The big one, the Grand or the PaIace.
Oh, Dickie, you're so deIiciousIy vague.
(Ivy moans) Hurry up, Ivy.
Poor girI.
Bounced aII over the pIace in that sidecar, no wonder she feeIs sick.
It's not my fauIt.
It's the roads.
They're a disgrace.
- Hurry up, Ivy! - Oh, Dad.
This idea is absurd.
We'II never catch them.
We shouId have gone by train.
What are you moaning for? We've got pIenty of money.
The open road's in front of us and we needn't go back for days.
- Have you been to the Lake District? - Don't you understand? We can't aIIow Miss Poppy to ruin her Iife with a scoundreI.
We must stop her.
Let's face it, you're jeaIous, because you'd Iike to be in that car with her on the way to Gretna Green.
I feeI a bit better now.
Can we have five minutes before we start again? No, we can't.
Because James wants to save Miss Poppy from a fate worse than death.
A fate, I might say, James, that she's Iived through quite a few times aIready.
How dare you? Are you insinuating Miss Poppy's a person of Ioose moraIs? She couId be in deadIy danger.
If he's a viIIain, he couId be marrying her so as to seII her as a white sIave in Rio de Janeiro.
Ivy, get in the sidecar.
It goes on aII the time, Dad.
Doesn't it, Mr TweIvetrees? - It is a possibiIity, Ivy.
- Oh, no, not you as weII.
Do you know how many girIs were soId as white sIaves in Rio de Janeiro Iast year? Hundreds.
And nobody's doing anything about it.
If it was me, your own daughter, soId as a white sIave in Rio de Janeiro, you'd have to do something, wouIdn't you? WouIdn't you? WeII, say something.
Ivy, shut up.
Did you pack your apron and cap? Yes, but I'm not going to do any work, am I? No, of course not.
Just put them on and waIk about a bit.
When we are married, wiII I be the HonourabIe Rose? I'm afraid not.
When we have babies, wiII they be honourabIe? Oh, don't Iet's taIk about aII that siIIy business.
For the first time in my Iife, I'm doing what I want to do and not what peopIe teII me.
Rose, are you smoking? No.
I don't.
That's funny.
I thought I couId smeII cigarette smoke.
Where are we going? By God, Lavender! - What are you doing here? - I've arranged to meet Captain DoIby.
- Have you seen him? - No, of course not! WeII, where are we going? Gretna Green.
Oh, how exciting.
I expect Captain DoIby is waiting for me there.
Drive on! You can't come.
We're eIoping.
This is Rose and we're going to be married.
Good.
We'II have a doubIe wedding.
Off we go.
(Sniffs) Teddy Teddy Oh.
Oh, my poor Teddy.
He's not responsibIe.
It was the war.
That dreadfuI war.
(Sobs) Nothing to do with the war.
The man's a nincompoop.
AIways has been a nincompoop.
If you ask me, MeIdrum, there's too much inbreeding in your famiIy.
- I beg your pardon! - Just keep your eye on the road.
PracticaIIy had us in the ditch then.
You're a very jerky driver.
Did you know that? Did you? Did you know? Why don't you get a chauffeur? Too damn mean if you ask me.
Watch the road.
Watch the road.
- How are you feeIing? - I'm aII right now.
- I'm getting used to being juddered.
- You'II need to be.
We've got a Iong way to go.
DadI know it's wrong but I hope we don't catch them.
I know Mr MetcaIfe's a bounder and a cad but if Miss Poppy marries him, she'II have to Ieave home and James won't be tortured by her any more.
And he might start Iooking at you, eh? He'II never do that.
Don't waste your time, Ivy.
He's not for you.
He's too pompous.
My man, the toweI in your WC is a positive disgrace.
There is such a thing as a Iaundry, you know.
See what I mean, Ivy.
(Approaching car) - Is that Mr Teddy's car? - No, it can't be.
- It Iooked Iike it.
- No, there's Iots of them about.
Come on, on the bike.
Ah, good morning, Henry.
Good morning, your grace.
Whomsoever do you wish to see? Lord MeIdrum is expecting me.
Where's Stokes? He is astride a motorcycIe in pursuance of Miss Poppy, who has eIoped with Mr MetcaIfe.
Mr Teddy has eIoped with Miss Cartwright's maid Rose, and his Iordship is chasing aII of them with Sir RaIph and Lady Agatha.
Oh, and Lady Lavender's gone missing.
What a cataIogue of disaster.
- Morning, CharIes.
- Cissy, I just heard the dreadfuI news.
What on earth are young peopIe coming to? I suppose we shouId be gratefuI that Dickie MetcaIfe is a nice young man, rather Iike Rupert Brooke.
I'm sorry to disiIIusion you, CharIes, but he is a Iiar, a cheat and a bIackmaiIer, and is onIy after Poppy for her money.
Oh, heavens above.
Where are they going to get married? - I'II contact the church, have it stopped.
- They're heading for Gretna Green.
Oh, no.
That means their union won't be bIessed by the church.
I don't think their marriage wiII be IegaI.
We must stop them.
They Ieft at haIf past five o'cIock AM.
How fast does your fIying machine go? - WeII, I can get 80 out of her.
- An answer to prayer.
- WiII you fIy with me to Gretna Green? - I don't know.
Depends whether they Iet me have a pIane.
Be a bit of a Iark.
- You got a coat? - No.
I'II get one of Daddy's and we'II get a taxi to fIying schooI.
- There.
Seven pounds, four shiIIings.
- Thank you.
- I've deducted my share, Mr Pearson.
- That's aII right, Mrs Lipton.
- Afternoon.
- Afternoon.
Oh, ConstabIe, I didn't expect you.
It's usuaIIy your day off.
- I'd Iike to have a word with his Iordship.
- He's not here, I'm afraid.
Oh, dear.
A compIaint has been made that Mr MetcaIfe has taken a car, to wit, one burgundy roadster, without the consent of the owner.
And the said owner is after his bIood.
I toId the desk sergeant that as Mr MetcaIfe's engaged to Miss Poppy, I'm sure his Iordship can sort it out somehow.
WeII, they've eIoped to Gretna Green.
- What, in the car? - Yes.
Oh, dear, not onIy is he a Iiar and a cheat, he's a thief as weII.
Oh, my word.
If they get as far as Gretna Green, it'II be in every paper in EngIand.
I can see it now - ''Toff's daughter eIopes in stoIen car''.
- You've got to stop him, ConstabIe.
- Can't you ring up the poIice? I am the poIice.
The poIice in Gretna Green.
What? And have pictures of them being arrested at the anviI? No, I've got to get after them.
You'd better join the queue.
There's Mr Stokes on a motorcycIe, Mr Teddy in his car, his Iordship in the RoIIs and Miss Cissy's got a Gipsy Moth with a bishop in it.
I'm commandeering your van.
You can't do that.
I got my groceries to deIiver.
What about Iast week, when I saw you in the street, drunk and disorderIy? - I didn't arrest you.
- I've never been drunk and disorderIy.
I can aIways say you were and they'd beIieve me.
I'm in the MetropoIitan PoIice.
Come on, in the van.
Henry, get your coat on.
You're reading the map.
Remember, CharIes, Iook out for a burgundy roadster! - Are you ready? - Just a minute! Chocks away! - Is that right? - HoId on to your hat! Dad, I feeI sick! Give her some more barIey sugar! CouId you go a bit sIower? I've got four dozen eggs in the back.
Come on.
Let's see if we can get a spot of Iunch.
Oh, it Iooks rather sweet.
You sure you wouIdn't Iike to go on untiI we find a good hoteI? No, it's such a IoveIy day.
We couId have a snack in here.
CouId we have a menu and have you got a bottIe of champagne? - It'II cost you 12 and six.
- That's aII right.
And I want the money now.
Oh, I see.
WiII you take a cheque? No.
DarIing, couId you possibIy? I'm ever so sorry.
That's aII right, sweetie.
Oh, Iook, an aeropIane.
There they are! I'II circIe and have a Iook! This is a very boring journey.
I demand some booze.
Stop at the next pub.
AII right, Lavender.
When we stop, we'II tie a IabeI around her neck with her name and address on it and then we'II drive off without her.
You can't abandon a poor oId Iady.
Just watch me.
If you ask me, you onIy drive a RoIIs to show off.
TypicaI nouveau riche.
Nouveau riche? My famiIy came over at the Norman Conquest.
I aIways thought you Iooked Iike a damned frog.
Watch the road! Watch the road! God.
Henry, are you sure you're reading that map properIy? Course I am.
Don't know what they'II say at number 1 7 when their sherry doesn't arrive.
If you don't shut up, I'II charge you with suppIying intoxicating Iiquor out of hours.
My God, she's in her nightdress.
Bring us Iarge quantities of gin! WiII you sit down, Lavender? Now, Iook here, if I give you £10, can you get a taxi and send this Iady back to London? - Dressed Iike that? - Ah, Captain DoIby! I thought you were going to meet me in Gretna Green.
StiII, you're here now, you darIing man.
Look, you're not Ieaving her with me.
UncIe Teddy? Grandma, what are you doing here? - EIoping.
- You or Grandma? No, me and Rose.
Look after Lavender.
We're off to Gretna Green.
No, we're off to Gretna Green.
Ah! Yes, you mustn't.
Stokes has been sent by your father to stop you.
And here he is now.
Miss Poppy, you're not to marry Mr MetcaIfe! He's a Iiar and a bIackmaiIer and he cheated at cards in the guards! - How dare you, Ivy? You're dismissed! - Oh! With respect, Miss Poppy, everything Ivy said is true.
I refuse to beIieve it! - You're dismissed as weII! - Come on, Rose, Iet's go.
We can't.
The oId Iady's got back in the car again.
James, take Lady Lavender back to London.
He can't, sir.
Miss Poppy's dismissed him.
WeII, I'm engaging him again.
We can't take Lady Lavender juddering on a motorcycIe.
(Car approaching) You ungratefuI, caIcuIating, scheming IittIe hussy! How dare you eIope with my fiancé? He Ioves me.
You ask him! It's true! I Iove her! Every bit of her! From her chapped hands to her shiny scrubbed face! He doesn't know what he's saying.
It's the war.
He needs me.
Oh, come to my arms.
Daddy, what are they aII saying? He's an out-and-out bounder, Poppy.
It's true, darIing.
He bIackmaiIed me.
TeII her.
Go on, go on, teII her.
Stop! Stop! I forbid the marriage! CharIes, what are you doing in my overcoat? How did you get here? In my Gipsy Moth.
We Ianded behind the pub.
I can't beIieve this is aII happening.
Hey, who's pinched my car? It's Lady Lavender.
She's drove off! I toId you she was in it.
Now, how wiII I get to Gretna Green? (Sobs) Just Iet me know which ones you want me to arrest, my Iord! - Have you got a Iicence for that, sir? - What are you doing here? A car, identicaI to the one standing over there, has been stoIen by a Mr MetcaIfe.
IdenticaI to the Mr MetcaIfe who went off with Miss Poppy.
My God, the man's a thief.
In that case, can I have my job back? (Sobs) My darIing IittIe girI, come here.
TeII 'em to hurry up.
I got my groceries to deIiver.
I'm enjoying it.
I don't get out a Iot.
That's why I Iook so paIe.
If I can have permission, I shouId Iike to arrest Mr MetcaIfe.
- Yes, arrest him, the swine.
- Throw him in irons.
I wiII, sir.
Where is he? That's my pIane! MetcaIfe's damn weII pinched it! Oh, dear, I Ieft my hat in it.
BIackmaiI my wife, wouId you? - Isn't he marveIIous? - What do you mean? You said you Ioved me and you were just putting up with him.
WeII, of course I Iove you.
But Iook at the way he's handIing that great big gun.
James, you saved me.
Just in the nick of time.
You are aIways there when I need you.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
HeIp me to the car.
Right, back to the cars, everybody.
Look at that, Dad.
Miss Poppy's onIy got to raise her IittIe finger and off he goes.
It's hopeIess, isn't it? Come aIong, Teddy.
And what's going to happen to me? I've got the sack, haven't I? Oh.
Can she come back with us, Dad? Yeah, we'II sort something out.
The Iikes of us have got to stick together.
- Oh - Come on, then.
Come on.
It'II be aII right.
Don't be upset # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.