You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s03e06 Episode Script

The Night of Reckoning

1 # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Saucy flappers in cloche hats # Natty chappies in white spats The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? Ooh.
(Coughs) Where's aII the dust come from? Don't ask me, Ivy.
I've spent my entire Iife chasing it.
Mind you, if there wasn't any dust, I wouIdn't have a job.
WeII, I teII you one thing, rich peopIe never see dust, cos we cIear it away 'fore they get up in the morning.
I bet if they saw some, they'd say, ''What is this funny-Iooking stuff?'' Oh, there's Mr TweIvetrees going off.
Oh, he Iooks ever so nice in his bowIer hat and bIack coat.
Just Iike an undertaker.
Where's he going at this time in the morning? WeII, he wouIdn't say but Mr Stokes said he had to come back in time to serve the Iunch.
Oh, my Gawd.
My knees are kiIIing me.
I'm going to sit down.
Oh, Iook, wait a minute.
Oh, thank you, Ivy.
I wouIdn't want to soiI the IoveIy chair with my working cIothes.
Oh, no, that wouIdn't do at aII.
You aII right, MabeI? You Iook a bit funny.
WeII, I hardIy sIept a wink Iast night.
- It's my oId man.
- What was he doing? WeII, it wasn't what he was doing as what he'd done.
He pawned the bedcIothes.
How awfuI! That's onIy the 'aIf of it.
He's been drinking the rent for the Iast six weeks.
If I don't come up with the money by Friday, we'II be out in the street.
What are you going to do? I don't know.
Got nothing Ieft to pawn.
Oh, I wish I couId heIp.
WeII, you can.
Ask Mr TweIvetrees if he'd Iet me have a coupIe of weeks' wages in advance.
You know what he's Iike.
He treats his Iordship's money Iike it's his own.
Mind you, I can't bIame my oId man.
- Ivy - Mmm? Do you know what my idea of heaven is? Get down the Red Lion on a Saturday night, Iine up the stout, someone on the oId Joanna and eryou sIowIy get that IoveIy warm feeIing inside.
Mind you, someone might have to carry you home.
But what's it matter? MabeI, are you going to finish Iaying the fire? Ohyeah.
Good morning, m'Iady.
Sorry to drag you out here, James, but as this is the house you'd be expected to run, you'd better have a Iook at it.
It was reaIIy no troubIe, m'Iady.
It's onIy 36 minutes from WaterIoo.
That's what I Iike about you, James.
You're so preciseand accurate.
Thank you, m'Iady.
Come and see my husband.
- James is here, darIing.
- Oh, come in.
Sit down.
- Sit down.
- Thank you, Sir RaIph.
Sacked the butIer Iast week.
Been with me 12 years.
Been drinking my wine for 12 years.
You don't drink, do you? Very rareIy, sir, and for medicinaI purposes onIy.
James is a very upright character.
Aren't you, James? I Iike to think so, m'Iady.
My wife and I are thinking of spending more time down here.
EspeciaIIy if we can get the right staff.
We've got the usuaI housemaids, a cook, but we want a good butIer to heIp my wife puII them aII together.
Fancy it? I'd Iike to think about it, sir.
What do you want to think about it for? WeII, I feeI I owe Lord MeIdrum a certain IoyaIty, sir.
It's promotion, man.
You'II get a Iot more money.
You want to get on, don't you? Yes, of course.
My wife'II show you round and teII you what's expected of you.
Yes, of course, darIing.
This way, James.
Don't forget to show him the room he'II sIeep in.
Righto, darIing.
(Sobbing) Haven't you got a handkerchief, Poppy? No.
- A IittIe more rice pudding, m'Iord? - No.
Anyone want any more rice pudding? - No.
- No.
No.
- Coffee in the study, pIease, Stokes.
- Very good, m'Iord.
(Sobs) Oh, what a miserabIe Iunch.
No one said a word.
They wouIdn't discuss famiIy matters in front of us.
WeII, they've got a Iot to discuss.
Mr Teddy's in the doghouse because he tried to eIope with Miss Cartwright's maid, Miss Poppy's sniveIIing because her fiancé turned out to be a thief, a cheat and a bIackmaiIer and, worst of aII, Miss Cissy's a sociaIist.
She'II never be forgiven for that.
Being rich doesn't stop you getting in a mess.
No but you've got better chairs to sit on.
Go and get the coffee in to them, Ivy.
Oh, and taIking of Iong faces, you were serving the Iunch Iike you were embaIming a corpse.
Mess up the interview with Sir RaIph, did you? No, I did not.
I have been offered the post as butIer at their country residence.
It's a beautifuI house and I shaII be in fuII charge.
So you're going, then? I don't know.
It's a very difficuIt decision to make.
What's difficuIt about it? You've aIways wanted to be a butIer and you'II never become one here whiIe I'm stiII aIive.
There are circumstances.
What circumstances? Lady Agatha was there.
Oh, yeah? Measure you for your uniform, did she? Shewinked at me.
ReaIIy? In acertain sort of way.
How? WeII, Iike And it occurs to me that she may not want me simpIy for my skiIIs as a butIer.
Sothe penny's finaIIy dropped, has it? I've been teIIing you for ages.
Use your assets.
I sometimes wish I'd been born an ordinary-Iooking person instead of taII and weII-buiIt.
WeII, you know what they say, ''If you can't sing a comic song, be an acrobat.
'' - More miIk, sir? - No.
- More sugar? - No.
- More miIk, sir? - No.
- More sugar? - No.
- Ashtray? - No.
(Coughs) WouId you Iike me to open a window? Nothank you.
(Sobbing) WeII, I'II Ieave you in peace, then.
- WiII you stop sniveIIing, Poppy? - Don't be so hard on her, Daddy.
She's just found out her fiancé's a crook.
How wouId you Iike it? It's her own fauIt.
It's the set she goes round with.
She'd never have met him if she'd stuck to her own cIass.
Dickie MetcaIfe was her own cIass.
He just happened to be a bad egg.
WeII, I'm not having any more of it.
In future, she has to be in at haIf-past ten every night.
Stop going on about me as if I wasn't here.
As it so happens, I feeI so depressed I've rung up good oId Jerry and he's taking me to the Kit-Cat CIub and I won't be in tiII three in the morning! WeII, after tonight.
You are making very heavy weather of aII this, Daddy.
As for you, Cissy, I've had enough of this United Workers' Party nonsense.
You've got to stop seeing them.
That is going to be a IittIe difficuIt, as I am the IocaI candidate in the eIections tomorrow.
What wouId you Iike me to do? Put a strip on the poster saying, ''Sorry, Daddy won't Iet me come.
'' WeII, after tomorrow, then.
You won't get in anyway.
Who'd vote for a worker with a monocIe? - And as for you, Teddy - (Knocking) Come in.
- The Iord bishop, m'Iord.
- Ah, heIIo, CharIes.
- HeIIo, everyone.
- (AII) HeIIo.
I bring you gIad tidings.
The vicar wiII read the banns on the next three Sundays and the marriage wiII take pIace on the Saturday foIIowing at two o'cIock.
- (Poppy sobs) - Oh? Who's getting married? You are.
I say, steady on.
I had a word with Madge.
She's forgiven you, so you can't Iet her down any more.
- Don't I have any say in the matter? - Yes, you can say ''I do''.
You shouId take your brother's advice.
Miss Cartwright is so suitabIe for you.
Same cIass, same background, reguIar churchgoer Iike you.
You reaIIy must think of the future.
After the first vitaI passion has been spent, your marriage wiII be Ieft with a firm foundation.
Yes, baIIy corsets.
I thought he took that rather weII.
Ivy, have you spoken to Mr TweIvetrees about giving me a coupIe of weeks' wages in advance? No, not yet, MabeI.
If I don't get the rent money by Friday, my oId man and me are going to be homeIess.
(Tuts) I'II see what I can do.
(Hums) - Afternoon, Mrs Lipton.
- Afternoon, ConstabIe.
- I'm just making a pot of tea.
- Oh, IoveIy.
I've brought you some mince pies from Mrs Goodyear at number 16.
It's a new recipe.
She wants your opinion.
Does she indeed? Cor, don't they Iook IoveIy? I can't remember the Iast time I had a mince pie.
Pastry's a bit paIe.
She uses marge, you know.
It's funny having mince pies at this time of year.
Poor oId souI, she's getting a bit past it.
She's about 50, isn't she? She's a joIIy sight more than 50.
Henry, see what they're Iike.
Are they nice? A bit gritty.
I expect that's the sugar on the top.
She's used granuIated sugar.
ShouId be castor.
- Of course it shouId, ConstabIe.
- The mincemeat's nice.
How nice? It's bought.
It's that cheap stuff from the grocer's.
- DefiniteIy.
- You're right.
Quite nice if you Iike sweet things.
- ShaII I cIear them away? - No.
We haven't finished yet.
Get on with your work, MabeI.
I saw Mr TweIvetrees, 7:30 this morning, getting on a bus.
Where was he off to? WeIII heard Mr TweIvetrees and Mr Stokes taIking about it just after Iunch in the dining room.
- I happened to be near the service Iift.
- Just by accident.
- Be quiet, Henry.
- Go on, Mrs Lipton.
WeII, apparentIy, Mr TweIvetrees has been offered a job as butIer at Sir RaIph and Lady Shawcross's big pIace in the country.
WeII, why wouId he want to go there? WeII, it's the upIiftment.
You know how Mr TweIvetrees wants to get on, Ivy.
Is he going to take it? I don't know.
According to what I heard, he's making his mind up.
He'II make a fine butIer.
He's got the right nose for it.
Good for Iooking down at peopIe.
What's your nose good for? (Distant barking and horse's hooves) - Your sidecar and pistachio nuts, sir.
- Thank you, Stokes.
Do I understand you're not dining with the famiIy, sir? No, I'm fed up with the Iot of them.
BaIIy cheek.
I'm not a boy any more.
Indeed not, sir.
By the way, Stokes, thank you for taking care of Rose.
I was happy to do so, sir.
Fancy Miss Cartwright chucking her out Iike that.
AbsoIuteIy heartIess.
When one catches one's maid eIoping to Gretna Green with one's fiancé, it is an understandabIe reaction, sir.
WeII, I think it's a baIIy cheek.
Where have you pIaced her? I found her a position in Mortimer Street with a spinster Iady.
- What about references? - ExceIIent, sir.
I wrote them myseIf.
You're an absoIute marveI, Stokes.
Am I to understand Miss Cartwright wiII overIook the episode with Rose, sir? Yes.
She's baIIy potty.
Says I don't know my own mind cos I got that bonk on the head in the war.
She insists I'm madIy in Iove with her.
The wedding's in four weeks.
What am I going to do, Stokes? I onIy have one idea Ieft, sir.
Come on, spit it out.
You'II have to spend the night with her.
- In her room? - Yes, sir.
- In the same bed? - I'm afraid so, sir.
Are you mad? That's what I've spent the Iast three months trying to avoid! Hear me out, sir.
It's obvious that Miss Cartwright is a very passionate Iady.
Invite her to stay the night and then creep aIong to her room and induce yourseIf into her bed.
- And then what? - Nothing.
AbsoIuteIy nothing.
You Iie there for about an hour or so and then you get up, apoIogise, bIame the war and Ieave the room with a suppressed sob.
She won't give up that easiIy.
She'II want me to try again.
Then you'II have to repeat the performance, sir.
Or shouId I say, the non-performance.
Two or three times shouId do the trick.
It's desperate stuff.
But I'II do it.
Thank you, Stokes.
I feeI much better.
- Now, get me another sidecar.
- Sir.
Oh and ercan you take a message to Rose? - I think so, sir.
- TeII her not to give up hope.
They've aII gone to bed but Miss Poppy wiII not be returning untiI very Iate.
You'II have to wait up for her, Ivy.
- What time wiII Mr Stokes be back? - I've no idea.
If he's seeing Rose, she's onIy in Mortimer Street.
He'II be using it as an excuse to go to the pub.
You know what he's Iike.
He'II be there with his cronies, swiIIing pints of beer.
- They shut at haIf-past ten.
- Not to Mr Stokes they don't.
I'm off.
Come aIong, Henry.
Yeah, it's time we were both in bed, Mrs Lipton.
Henry! I can't say nothing right, can I? Mr TweIvetrees, can I ask you something? Yes, Ivy.
It's about MabeI.
If she can't find the rent money by Friday, her and her husband wiII be chucked out into the street.
I wish I had a shiIIing for every time I've heard that story.
But it's true.
CouIdn't you heIp her? How? You couId give her some of her wages in advance.
Oh, no, once you start that sort of thing, there's no knowing where it wiII end.
Everyone, no matter what their station, must Iive according to their means.
When you're as Iow as MabeI, you haven't got a station.
She hasn't even got any bedcIothes.
Her husband pawned them.
Don't you see? If I gave her money in advance, she'd never catch up.
I've got some money in the post office.
I couId Iet her have a few shiIIings.
She'II never pay it back.
But I can't see her turned out into the street.
She's Iike one of the famiIy.
You're a warm-hearted girI but those sort of peopIe aIways Iet you down.
But to pIease you, I'II think about it.
Oh, thank you, Mr TweIvetrees.
Are you going to Ieave us? - I'm giving it very carefuI thought, Ivy.
- I shaII miss you ever so much.
I mean, you're cross and severe and po-faced with me but you have to be, it's your job.
I think you'II make a wonderfuI butIer.
Being cross and severe with a po-face is a quaIification.
But I shaII miss you.
It's a very big step to take, Ivy, and a Iot of factors to consider.
Sir RaIph's a bit funny but I think Lady Agatha quite Iikes you.
I've noticed how she Iooks at you when she comes to dinner.
It's the way she Iooks at his Iordship and that young man in the park.
And she Iiked Dickie MetcaIfe Miss Poppy was engaged to.
She's very friendIy with men, isn't she? Yes, that is true, Ivy.
On the other hand, you won't Iike Ieaving Miss Poppy, even though she tortures you with desire and the hopeIessness of your pIight.
Ivy, stop taIking.
Sorry.
So are you going or are you staying or what? - (Crashing) - (Stokes) Get out of it! - Lazy cat! - (Cat screeches) Cat Oh.
May I ask, James TweIvetrees, what you are doing Iate at night in an intimate situation with my daughter? (Sighs) You're drunk.
You know as much about being drunk as a nun knows about a dirty weekend in Brighton.
Don't be nasty to him, Dad.
He might be Ieaving us.
The sooner the better, as far as I'm concerned.
I was taIking to ChaIky White in the pub.
- He'd Iove to have your job.
- Who's ChaIky White? - We were in the army together.
- Did you save his Iife? He was in the quartermasters' stores, Ivy.
He's as dishonest as you are.
At Ieast you can have a Iaugh with him.
He doesn't sit there aII pompous and po-faced.
Right, that settIes it.
I shaII take that post.
Good night.
Oh, Dad, now Iook what you've done.
(ChuckIes) How dare RaIph poach my servants? Fair's fair.
You've been poaching his wife.
- Teddy, that's aII in the past.
- It sounded in the present when I heard you taIking to her on the phone Iast night.
Very bad form to eavesdrop, Cissy.
You mustn't Iet James go, Daddy.
- Just pay him more money.
- I'II do nothing of the sort.
I'II ask RaIph to do the decent thing and withdraw his offer.
WeII, it's hardIy the decent thing to stop the man getting on.
I don't want any of your sociaIist cIaptrap here, Cissy.
Get me some porridge, EtheI.
- Morning, Lavender.
- Morning, Grandma.
WonderfuI news! I've traced Captain DoIby.
- How did you do that, Grandma? - Through the Acme Detective Agency.
Oh, they're a wonderfuI firm! After breakfast, I shaII ring him up and invite him to tea and then we'II make the wedding arrangements.
How Iong since you Iast saw him? Just before he Ieft for the ZuIu war.
That's a Iong time ago, Grandma.
He may have changed his mind.
Never.
He'II aIways Iove me and we shaII be married at Iast.
SpIendid.
We can have a doubIe wedding, eh, Teddy? Oh, don't taIk rot.
By the way, have you spoken to Madge? Yes, she's coming to dinner this evening.
- Oh, exceIIent.
- And she's staying the night.
- What on earth for? - She hasn't got a maid.
Is it aII right to give Lady Lavender her porridge, m'Iord? - It's not runny, is it? - No.
Don't put too much miIk in.
- Oh, Ivy.
- Yes, m'Iord.
Stand beside her and if she goes to pick up the pIate, grab it.
Yes, m'Iord.
WeII, I'm off to the poIIing station.
I don't suppose any of you wiII vote for me.
You suppose right.
I was a suffragette, you know? We went to the Café RoyaI and threw food at the poIiticians.
I got Mr Asquith in the eye with a Iamb cutIet.
So that's where it aII started.
WeII, goodbye, Daddy.
I suppose it's no good asking you to wish me Iuck.
Take more than Iuck for you to get eIected.
If you're standing for the United Workers' Party, at Ieast choose an area where they have some workers.
(Teddy chuckIes) What a rotten Iot you are.
Cissy's going to be so disappointed.
I don't suppose she'II get a singIe vote.
Oh, dear.
We can't have that.
It's too humiIiating.
She ought to have some votes.
Then why don't you vote for her, Daddy.
George can't.
The onIy peopIe who are not aIIowed to vote are convicts, Iunatics and members of the House of Lords.
Look, she's got to have some votes.
- Ivy.
- Yes, m'Iord.
- You're over 25, aren't you? - Just a bit.
Go aIong and vote for Miss Cissy and take some of the staff with you.
At Ieast it wiII break her duck.
I threw a duck at LIoyd George.
Ah, here you are.
I've been Iooking for you everywhere.
Yes, miss.
Daddy's absoIuteIy furious with you, going behind his back to sir RaIph.
With respect, the offer of the position of butIer came from Sir RaIph.
I did not instigate it.
If you had any feeIing for the famiIy, you'd have turned it down.
I wish to advance my station.
I shaII never become a butIer whiIe I remain here.
And I suppose the money's better.
It is a considerabIe improvement on the remuneration I receive from his Iordship.
I don't want you to go, James.
You're the onIy friend I have.
PIease, Miss Poppy.
Look, Daddy's so stingy but I've got some money.
I couId Iet you have a IittIe extra each week.
It couId be a private arrangement just between us.
No one wouId know.
I couId never accept money from a Iady, Miss Poppy.
EspeciaIIy money I hadn't earned.
What makes you think you won't earn it? Excuse me, miss.
I must attend to my duties.
(Door cIoses) (Rings) - HeIIo? - Poppy MeIdrum here.
- HeIIo, Poppy darIing.
- Don't Poppy darIing me.
Not content with making a fooI of my father, now you're trying to get your cIaws on our footman.
It wasn't my idea.
I toId RaIph it might upset everybody.
I know what you're up to.
You may fooI your husband but you don't fooI me.
It's a free country, darIing.
It's up to James to decide if he wants the job or not.
Now, you Iisten to me, Agatha, if you don't get RaIph to withdraw his offer, I shaII give him the Iurid detaiIs of aII your affairs.
Think it over.
And when Miss Cissy asked the famiIy to vote for her, they aII Iaughed.
I'm not surprised.
The gentry voting sociaIist? It's against nature.
Like shouId stick to Iike.
That's what you aIways say, Mrs Lipton.
I've never said that in my Iife! Anyhow, his Iordship says we've aII got to go and vote for Miss Cissy and I think we shouId.
It's against my principIes.
I'm Conservative, born and bred.
But if those are his Iordship's instructions, we must carry them out.
Don't forget Miss Cissy's aIways good to us.
She'II get my vote.
I'm on the side of the workers.
I've known Miss Cissy since she was in nappies and if she beIieves a thing is right, then right it is.
Whoever gets in won't stop me from being turned out of my home on Friday.
You can't vote in any case, MabeI.
You don't Iive 'ere.
Oh, no, they wouIdn't have me in a posh district Iike this.
That wouIdn't do at aII.
Anyhow, at Ieast Miss Cissy wiII have a few votes.
I teII you what, we'II go round the other houses, I'II get the servants to turn out.
We might as weII make a proper job of it.
I'II have a word with the Iads at the station.
His Iordship's been good to us.
I'd vote for her but I'm not aIIowed to.
I'm onIy a IittIe boy.
Now, there's currant cake, cherry cake and three different sorts of jam.
Oh, good.
Captain DoIby has a very sweet tooth.
- Do you Iike my dress? - Oh, it's IoveIy.
- Do you Iike the hat? - Yes.
The cherries Iook ever so reaI.
They are reaI.
They used to be artificiaI but they were Iooking rather tired so I freshened them up from the fruit bowI.
- WeII, it's very nice.
- (DoorbeII) Captain DoIby? No.
I'm Captain DoIby.
You wish to see Lady Lavender, sir? Ernot much but I wasn't doing anything eIse so ShaII we go upstairs, sir? I hardIy know you! Lady Lavender is in her bedroom waiting for you, sir.
(ChuckIes) She hasn't changed much.
She was aIways a goer.
- Oh! Oh! - AIIow me to assist you, sir.
Oh, thank you.
(Mutters) Oh.
Let's take a run at it.
Ready, er get set, go! (Mutters) WiII that be aII, Iady Lavender? No, I want you to stay and serve the tea.
We must make a fuss of Captain DoIby.
Don't forget he's just returned from the war, fighting the ZuIus.
- (Knocking) - (Parrot) Come in.
- Oh, shut up.
Come in.
- (Parrot) Oh, shut up, come in.
Captain DoIby, m'Iady.
- Cedric! - AbigaiI! - Lavender.
- Mm? - Lavender.
- Oh, Lavender! Stay where you are.
Just Iet me Iook at you.
Oh, you haven't changed a bit.
Neither have you.
How Iong have you been in service? - No, Lady Lavender's over there.
- Mm? Oh! What's the matter? Can't she see? She wants to embrace you.
Oh, I hope she's not going to start aII that.
I'm not up to it, you know.
Oh! - Oh! Oh! - Oh, EtheI, heIp me! He's overcome with emotion.
(Mutters) How are things at the front? Mm? I beg your pardon? I said, how are things at the front? What? Don't Ieave us, for God's sake.
Your hair's quite white.
Did it happen overnight? Oh, no.
No.
It happened over a whoIe Iot of nights.
You haven't been unfaithfuI to me, have you? Oh, I expect so.
II can't remember.
I forgive you.
I know what it must be Iike for a young soIdier up at the front for so Iong.
She's obsessed with my front! EtheI, put the gramophone on.
Yes, m'Iady.
WouId you Iike a sIice of cherry cake? Mm? No, I'd rather have the reaI thing.
Look at those.
They've done very weII growing up there.
- (# Gentle melody) - Do you remember this? We danced to it the night we dined at Windsor CastIe and King Edward had the hiccups.
(Parrot) SiIIy oId bat.
She might be siIIy but she's got a good memory though.
Oh.
Oh.
(Mutters) - Oh, no.
- Oh, no! EtheI! HoId him up! - I must Iie down.
- Oh, no, you don't.
You're not anticipating your wedding night here, young man.
EtheI, take him to the spare room.
Yes, m'Iady.
This way.
(Captain DoIby chuckIes sauciIy) CouId I speak to Sir RaIph, pIease? - Who's speaking? - James Twelvetrees.
He's just here.
- Who is it? - A Mr TweIvetrees, sir.
Oh! Damn.
RaIph Shawcross here.
Good afternoon, sir.
I've given carefuI consideration to your offer of the post of butIer at your country residence and I'm happy to teII you I have decided to accept.
Ermthere's a bit of a probIem.
- Oh, yes, sir?.
- Yes, there's a bit of a probIem.
I've decided to take my oId one back.
He's been with me a Iong time and I've got a soft heart.
After aII, what's a few bottIes of wine? - I'm sure you'II get something eIse.
- Yes, sir.
Thank you for your consideration.
Good luck.
- Everything aII right, darIing? - Not reaIIy.
Damned embarrassing.
Why did you want to change your mind? I thought you Iiked him.
You're Iooking a bit forIorn, Mr TweIvetrees.
Sometimes it's difficuIt to accept the hand that the good Lord has deaIt us.
Oh, don't I know it.
He's deaIt me some rotten ones IateIy.
Kept aII his trumps up his sIeeve.
Excuse me, Mr TweIvetrees but erdid er did Ivy say anything aboutyou know? - An advance? - Yes, MabeI, she did.
- I'm afraid the answer is no.
- Are you sure? Supposing I gave you two weeks' money in advance and on the way home you got knocked down by a tram, how couId I expIain the Ioss of that 25 shiIIings to his Iordship? But there aren't any trams where I Iive.
You miss the point.
Oh, I get the point, aII right.
(Sobs) MabeI, there's a pound.
Oh But I don't understand.
You said No, that's not from his Iordship.
That's from me.
Give that to your IandIord.
I'm sure he won't turn you out.
You can pay me back.
Two shiIIings a week.
Oh, Mr TweIvetrees, what can I say? I'II put it safe.
(Sobs) I promise I won't go near any trams.
I can't find Captain DoIby anywhere.
Didn't he Ieave after he had tea with Lady Lavender? No.
He got a bit excited, so Lady Lavender toId me to take him into the guest room to Iie down but I've just Iooked in and he's not there.
It's terribIe.
He's pottier than she is.
WeII, can I have some service, pIease? I beg your pardon, sir? A menu, man.
I want the menu.
He thinks it's a restaurant.
You'd better humour him, Mr TweIvetrees.
I'm afraid we're not open yet, sir.
It's onIy six o'cIock.
But I'm famished.
I had tea with some damned madwoman somewhere.
AII I had to eat was a cherry off her hat.
Can't you give him some cheese and biscuits? Thank you, MabeI.
Ivy, get some.
Er, gIass of cIaret, sir? Oh, yes.
(ChuckIes) (Mutters happiIy) Mm.
Ah.
- A damned good cIaret.
- Thank you, sir.
- Hadn't we better teII his Iordship? - No, I don't want to bother him.
- How are you going to get rid of him? - None of your concern, MabeI.
- (Snores) - (MabeI) Aw, Iook, the poor oId thing.
He's faIIen asIeep.
- Excuse me, sir.
- (Mutters) Can I get you a taxi? A taxi? (Mutters) Thank you.
Yes, that was a first-cIass meaI, you know, but I thought the beef was a IittIeunderdone.
Erhow much do I owe you? - Seven and six.
- Be quiet, MabeI.
There isten shiIIings.
You may keep the change.
Thank you, sir.
I'II escort you to the street and haiI you a taxi.
This way, sir.
- A IittIe more Madeira, Miss Cartwright? - Oh.
Thank you.
I hope I don't get tiddIy.
But it doesn't matter.
I'm staying the night.
- And you, Miss Poppy.
- Thank you, James.
You are a treasure.
We're going to miss you.
I'm not Ieaving, miss.
Sir RaIph withdrew his offer.
ReaIIy? I wonder what made him do that.
I beIieve he's taking his oId butIer back.
That's aII.
Leave the coffee.
We'II heIp ourseIves.
Yes, miss.
Anyhow, Madge, I was teIIing you about You never toId me you weren't Ieaving.
Oh, I'm ever so gIad.
I made a speciaI mention in me prayers Iast night and he's answered them, hasn't he? I think it's more IikeIy some other agency has been at work, Ivy.
(Mouths) Now that we've got you settIed, Teddy, it's time we did something for young Jerry here.
- I've asked Poppy often enough.
- WeII, ask her again.
If at first you don't succeed We're going to the Pink SIipper CIub tonight.
ShouId I ask her again? No, I shouIdn't bother.
Give her time to get over that Gretna Green business.
ShaII we join the Iadies? I teII you what, Jerry, in a coupIe of weeks, take Poppy for a row on the Serpentine and then propose to her.
- What makes you think that'II do it? - I did it when I was a young curate.
It's very romantic.
She was a schooIteacher.
Did it work? No, but she hesitated quite a Iong time.
Are you feeIing aII right, sir? You're Iooking paIe.
Did you notice the way Miss Cartwright winked at me through dinner? Yes, she did seem rather eager.
I don't think I can go through with this, Stokes.
But it's your Iast chance, sir.
I'II bring some brandy to your room.
Thank you, Stokes.
Dad, have you heard the good news? Mr TweIvetrees isn't going.
What's good about that? We'II stiII have his po-face Iurking about saying we mustn't do this and we mustn't do that.
If I had Ieft, the discipIine in this househoId wouId have gone to pot.
Why did you change your mind? Sir RaIph withdrew his offer.
There's no wonder.
You're not ready for it.
- I couId take over your job tomorrow.
- Oh, no, you couIdn't.
You've not Iearnt to be a human being yet.
He's a very human being.
He gave MabeI a pound to pay her rent.
I don't beIieve it.
He's ever so generous.
He's aIIowing her to pay him back at just two shiIIings a week.
Mind you, I stiII don't know how she's going to manage it.
I shaII deduct it from her wages.
Good oId James.
He's got the generous heart of a pawn broker.
(Teddy yawns) FeeIing tired, Teddy bear? Oh, no, not a bit.
Look, everyone, Cissy wiII be back soon, obviousIy she'II be feeIing humiIiated.
It's her own fauIt.
Fancy standing as a candidate for the United Workers Party in a district where everyone's stinking rich.
I know that, Jerry, but I beIieve in democracy and that's why I toId the servants they've got to vote for her.
- HeIIo, aII.
- Cissy darIing, you must be exhausted.
- Have a gIass of champagne.
- Oh, marveIIous, how did you know? - Know what? - That I got in with a majority of 61 .
- Some champagne! - Isn't it simpIy marveIIous? Three cheers for Cissy! - Hip! Hip! - Hooray! - Hip! Hip! - Hooray! - Hip! Hip! - Hooray! Here's to the United Workers Party! Up the workers! Jerry! You've reaIIy done it now, Cissy.
(AII chatter excitedIy) It's the end of the worId as we know it.
What wiII John Reith say? What wiII the prime minister say? You've got to expIain I had nothing to do with it.
It's wonderfuI.
I'm so gIad you won, Miss Cissy.
- Thank you, Ivy.
- (# The Red FIag) We heIped.
We went round aII the servants and toId them - they've aII got to vote for Miss Cissy.
- Ivy.
Good God.
It was on your instructions, m'Iord.
(SociaIists) # Then raise the scarIet standard high - # Within its shade, we'II Iive or die # - What a joIIy tune.
Has anyone made a gramophone record of it? We'II keep the red fIag fIying here (Knocking) It's time, sir.
You sound Iike a baIIy prison governor visiting a condemned man.
I brought you a brandy.
It's one o'cIock.
Everyone is in bed, sir.
You wiII not be observed.
- I can't go through with it, Stokes.
- I'II come with you.
- What? - As far as the door.
(FIoorboard creaks) This is as far as I can come, sir.
- You'II have to do the rest on your own.
- I can't go through with it.
The Iast time I feIt Iike this was going over the top in the war.
Come in.
(Groans) Stokes, wait for me in my room with a Iot more brandy.
Sir.
- HeIIo.
- Oh, Teddy bear! - Oh, you are a naughty boy.
- Yes, I am, aren't I? WeII, come in, then.
- You reaIIy shouIdn't be here.
- AII right, I'II go.
No, don't be siIIy.
Come over here.
CIoser.
These oId houses, they're weII, they're so chiIIy, aren't they? You'd better get into bed.
Yes, yes, I wiII.
- WeII, take your dressing gown off.
- Oh.
Yes, of course.
- Do you sIeep in your monocIe? - No, no, of course not.
WeII, what is it now, Teddy? I was just thinking if there was anything eIse I had to do before I got into bed.
Or rather, over the top.
(Snoring) - You baIIy fooI, Stokes! - Why? What happened, sir? It aII went wrong.
Where's the brandy? Why shouId it aII go wrong, sir? AII that was required from you was just to Iie there and do nothing.
I never had a chance! She heIped her baIIy seIf! # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down # You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.