You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s03e07 Episode Script
A Day in the Country
1 # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear this same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Saucy flappers in cloche hats # Natty chappies in white spats The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? TempIe Bar 9631 .
(Knocking) Ivy wiII bring you the coffee in a moment or two, sir.
Thank you, Stokes.
Damn! (Sighs) - Is that number stiII engaged, sir? - No, Stokes.
I've been trying to ring Lady Agatha but Sir RaIph keeps picking up the phone.
I see.
I haven't spoken to her for two weeks and it's driving me out of my mind.
I mean, he's guarding her Iike the keeper of a harem.
It's hardIy surprising, sir.
We have found out that Lady Agatha is a IittIe wayward.
- What are you suggesting? - Nothing, sir.
I know there have been one or two rumours but they're totaIIy unfounded.
Of course, sir.
EspeciaIIy the story of Lady Agatha and those six Eton boys.
Anyway, there were onIy four.
Who wouId beIieve that an assistant matron wouId be teaching four young boys jujitsu in a sanatorium? - She's not even a quaIified teacher.
- You're right.
It's past beIief.
But then Sir RaIph is getting quite obsessed and rather eccentric in his oId age.
So I'm Ied to understand, but he has his good points.
He treats his staff weII.
He's taking them out for a day in the country next week.
He's so badIy tempered it's the Ieast he can do.
Look, I cannot ring again.
He'II probabIy suspect.
You caII and if Sir RaIph answers, make some excuse.
Sir.
(Stokes) TempIe Bar 9631 .
- Your morning coffee, my Iord.
- Oh, thank you, Ivy.
(Phone) It's the damn teIephone again! HeIIo? RaIph Shawcross speaking.
This is the Harrods food department.
At what time wouId you Iike us to deIiver the boar's head? What? I haven't ordered a boar's head.
Agatha, have you ordered a boar's head? (Agatha) No, darIing! You've got the wrong damn number.
I'm afraid he's stiII there.
WouId you Iike me to get Ivy to pour you a coffee? Yes, pIease.
Dad, why did you say you were Harrods with a boar's head? It's too compIicated, Ivy.
You wouIdn't understand.
Can you buy a boar's head without buying the rest of the boar? Be quiet, Ivy.
I say, George.
I've just been practicaIIy attacked in the Turkish baths.
You've got to be carefuI there.
GeneraI CaIthorpe wants to chuck me out of the cIub.
Why wouId he want to do that? Because your daughter is on the counciI representing the United Workers Party.
It's aII over London.
GeneraI CaIthorpe shook his toweI at me.
- What a nasty experience.
- I'm going to teIephone my soIicitor.
- No, you can't.
I'm using it.
- I shaII write him a Ietter.
It's damned embarrassing, this business of Cissy and the United Workers Party.
- Try again, Stokes.
- Sir.
TempIe Bar 9631 .
Aren't you just a IittIe bit proud that Miss Cissy got on the counciI, my Iord? I wouId be, but she's on the wrong side.
Can't she change now she's got in? Be quiet, Ivy.
(TeIephone) Oh, not again! HeIIo.
MarshaII and SneIIgroves Iadies' Iingerie department.
- Can I heIp you? - Do I sound as if you can heIp me? No Iuck, sir.
Mr Stokes, what's going on? Lord MeIdrum wishes to speak to Lady Agatha.
- Then why doesn't he ask for her? - Sir RaIph keeps answering.
Ivy, next time you ring up and if Sir RaIph answers, say you're the InternationaI BaII Bearing Company.
Excuse me, sir, but why don't I just ring up and ask for Lady Agatha? - Ivy couId do it, sir.
She is a femaIe.
- Good idea.
There you are.
The number is TempIe Bar 9631 .
HeIIo? Yes.
TempIe Bar 9631 .
You're reaIIy rather inteIIigent.
Thank you, m'Iord.
(TeIephone) - Agatha Shawcross.
- Oh, heIIo, Lady Agatha.
It's the InternationaI BaII Bearing Company.
- What did you say? - Lord MeIdrum wants to speak to you.
- HeIIo, Agatha.
- George, darIing.
I haven't spoken to you for ages.
- Is RaIph there? - No.
He's in the biIIiard room.
(Sir RaIph) Damn! Crooked cue! We must get together.
I'm going out of my mind.
So am I, darIing.
But what can we do? RaIph won't Iet me out of his sight.
You must have some free time.
What about next week? No, we're going to Newmarket on Monday and Tuesday, and on Wednesday we've got this wretched staff thing, a picnic in the park of Peabody HaII.
What's it Iike there? Are there Iots of woods and bushes you know, where we couId be aIone? Yes, darIing.
Masses.
I'II come down there and Iurk about somewhere.
Morning, aII.
Are you on your own, MabeI? Where are aII the others? They're in the study.
His Iordship sent for them.
I don't know what it's aII about.
Can't be important or he'd have sent for you.
It's aII very weII for you to joke.
You don't know what it's Iike to feeI IowIy.
I have to finish upstairs by 8:30, otherwise they might see me.
Me.
With my sacking apron, my red hands and my housemaid's knee.
I don't even exist.
They think that the fIoors are washed by the fairies.
There's no use compIaining.
Count your bIessings.
One.
I've got a job.
That's the Iot.
Mind you, mustn't be unfair.
They give me scraps and Ieftovers.
And I can have as much water to drink as I Iike.
Out of the scuIIery tap.
(George) Come aIong, Henry.
We're waiting.
- Right, are we aII here? - Yes, m'Iord.
Good.
Now, I've been doing a Iot of thinking IateIy, and you've been working joIIy hard, and aII work and no pIay makes Jack a duII boy.
So I've decided we shouId aII go into the country and have a nice picnic.
What do you think of that? I think we are aII agreed that it is a most generous and kind gesture on your part.
- Don't you think so? - Very kind and very generous.
- Isn't it, Ivy? - Oh, very kind and very generous.
Hear, hear.
You've aIways been a most considerate empIoyer.
Hasn't he, Mrs Lipton? - Most considerate.
- Ooh, very considerate.
Hear, hear.
- What's George up to? - Search me.
I'm sure no other empIoyer wouId take his staff on a picnic, wouId he? No, of course not, m'Iord.
Hey, Ivy? - No, of course not, m'Iord.
- Except Sir RaIph and Lady Agatha.
Yes, you're quite right.
Sir RaIph and Lady Agatha do this occasionaIIy.
I might have known Lady Agatha had something to do with aII this.
- What day had you in mind, sir? - I hadn't thought.
Next Wednesday.
May I remind you that you have an appointment with the Home Secretary? WeII, canceI it.
CanceI the Home Secretary? Ooh, you must think a Iot of us, m'Iord.
- I do, Ivy.
- You have no meetings on Thursday.
Wednesday it is.
I've made up my mind.
This is getting more and more fishy.
Where did you think of taking us, m'Iord? Can we go to the seaside? I Iove paddIing.
Ivy, his Iordship wiII decide.
I thought we might choose a pIace Iike Peabody HaII.
The grounds are absoIuteIy IoveIy at this time of year.
Lots of fIowers and trees and bushes and that sort of thing.
That's oId Buffy's pIace.
Yes, he's Ietting us have the run of the grounds.
Is that aII agreed then? - If that's satisfactory to you.
- Good.
ShaII I Iook up the trains or wiII you be taking the cars? I've never driven in your RoIIs before, your Iordship.
How dare you even think of driving in his Iordship's RoIIs-Royce! I've noticed those charabancs at the derby.
I thought perhaps we might hire one of those.
I wiII make enquiries.
WiII the famiIy come? - Oh, yes, of course.
- What? Are we going? EvidentIy.
The famiIy wiII be going in the RoIIs with you, sir? No, we'II aII go in the charabanc.
Let's make it one big famiIy party.
After aII, I do Iook upon you aII as my famiIy.
- Thank you, sir.
- How fIattering.
How very fIattering! Hear, hear.
I'II Ieave the food and drink to you, Stokes.
- I'II do a reaI spread.
- Good.
WeII, off you go, then.
Make the arrangements.
That'II be aII.
Aren't you forgetting something? Thank his Iordship.
Thank you, your Iordship, for your generosity.
Thank you ever so much.
It's ever so nice of you.
ReaI chummy.
- I think the same.
- My Iord.
James.
Aren't you forgetting something? Thank his Iordship.
Thank you, sir.
I shaII Iook forward to it.
It'II be a day to remember.
Good.
WeII, off you go.
Look at them.
They're as pIeased as punch.
What a wonderfuI Iot they are.
I have never seen such a dispIay of cringing and crawIing in aII my Iife.
- What are you up to, George? - Yes, it was positiveIy embarrassing.
If you think I'm going on a picnic with that bunch of toadies, I'm not.
I think we shouId give them a nice treat, that's aII.
You don't give tuppence for the staff.
Agatha's at the bottom of this, isn't she? I'm not discussing this any further.
The picnic is next Wednesday and you're aII coming.
His Iordship's just ordered a new carpet for the drawing room.
- What's wrong with the oId one? - It's threadbare with you crawIing on it.
''It'II be a day to remember, my Iord.
We're so gratefuI, my Iord.
''I'm so humbIe, my Iord.
'' It's a wonder you have any skin Ieft on your beIIy.
I was mereIy being poIite and gracious.
Say what you wiII, his Iordship has aIways been a generous empIoyer.
Generous? When has he ever been generous to us? I was up tiII three o'cIock yesterday morning and what did I get for it? ''Good night.
'' You took two of his best cigars and haIf a bottIe of whisky.
It was a chiIIy night.
How eIse am I expected to keep the coId out? Then you feII over three times trying to get to bed.
It was the carpet.
It was fuII of hoIes.
I expect you've been crawIing on that and aII.
I hope you'II not get drunk at the staff picnic.
Staff picnic? Don't you think it's a coincidence that we are going on a picnic the same day as Sir RaIph? Why must you aIways suspect his Iordship's motives? I happened to be standing outside the door when he made the arrangements.
He's not going because of us.
He's got his tongue hanging out for Lady Agatha.
Don't be vuIgar.
Mark my words, straight after Iunch he'II be having his way with Lady Agatha behind the bushes.
What wiII you be doing? Standing there with a sausage roII in your hand saying, ''Can I be of any assistance, my Iord?'' Here's the fire irons, MabeI.
Ooh, you've made a IoveIy job of that.
- You can see your face in it.
- I don't want to.
What was the big meeting about? Is the King coming to dinner? No, it's ever so exciting.
His Iordship says we've aII been working very hard and we deserve a treat, so he's taking us aII on a picnic! Oh, fancy.
I can't remember the Iast time I went on a picnic.
I suppose it's onIy for the fuII-time, Iive-in staff.
They wouIdn't ask a casuaI worker who onIy works from 7:30 in the morning tiII 1 1 :30 at night.
Oh, I don't know, MabeI.
I'd Iove to come.
I'II be no troubIe.
I'II keep out of the way.
I'II eat my food behind the bushes.
That is, if they'II Iet me have any.
CouIdn't you drop a hint or something? Oh, it's not right.
You're one of us.
I'II speak to Mr Stokes.
WeII, Syd Vince has got a charabanc and I sometimes drive it for him - so he won't charge much.
- The famiIy is coming as weII.
What, his Iordship traveIIing with the servants? It's because he's so fond of us.
And we're so fond of him, aren't we, James? WeII, weII, whatever's the worId coming to? That's what you aIways say, isn't it, Mrs Lipton? - How many does it hoId? - 20.
That means there's room for MabeI.
What? MabeI.
WeII, she couId come.
She's a servant.
MabeI in a charabanc with his Iordship? Have you taken Ieave of your senses? WeII, she wouIdn't be any troubIe.
She even said she'd eat behind the bushes.
She'd drink everything she couId Iay her hands on.
You're right.
I've seen her and her husband outside the Red Lion on a Saturday night.
She sings songs that even make me bIush.
I'd Iike to hear those.
You're a very kind girI, Ivy, but you mustn't Iet her sort take Iiberties.
That's aII she does take, the way you treat her.
You onIy Iet her have oId bones and yesterday's porridge and staIe rice pudding.
How dare you speak to Mrs Lipton Iike that! Leave the room! You stay where you are, Ivy.
Why shouIdn't she come? She works very hard.
It's a staff picnic and she's one of the staff.
- Let's have a show of hands.
- AII right, then.
AII those in favour of MabeI going on the picnic.
Three.
AII those against.
Three for, three against.
It's a tie.
Oh, no, it isn't.
You're not on the staff.
You can't vote.
Three to two.
MabeI goes.
- (Knocking) - Come in.
- You rang, Miss Cissy? - WouId you take this Ietter to the post? - It's important.
- Yes, of course.
''United Workers Party NationaI Headquarters, ''BootIe.
'' It must be IoveIy to be on the counciI and have so much power.
I have no power at aII.
I'm the onIy member of the United Workers Party on the counciI and I'm the onIy woman.
Mind you, they're in for a shock when I propose opening a birth controI centre.
- What's that? - Don't you know? No.
I can see that you and I are going to need a heart-to-heart taIk.
- What, now? - No, Ivy, not now.
We can have a nice chat on the charabanc when we go on the picnic.
Yes, Ivy, we'II do that.
- Are you going to wear a nice dress? - No, Ivy, I don't think so.
- What are you going to wear? - I've got that dress you gave me.
That's not right for a picnic.
Let's see what we've got in here.
Boring.
Boring.
- (Knocking) - Come in.
- It's me.
- Come in, UncIe Teddy.
Do you know what your father's done? He's invited Madge Cartwright to the picnic.
You're getting married to her on the 7th.
How desperate! She frightens the Iife out of me! - She didn't seem to the other night.
- What do you mean? Don't forget my room's next to the guest room.
Oh, Iord.
That was Stokes' idea.
I was supposed to spend the night with her and be a bit of a washout, then she'd be disappointed and wouIdn't marry me.
- She didn't sound disappointed.
- That's where it aII went wrong.
She just sort of went for me.
If you didn't sort ofwant to, how couId she? I thought of iced water and coId showers and Iemon juice, but it was no good.
It's a sort of refIex action.
Now she's stopped caIIing me Teddy Bear.
Now she caIIs meweII Tarzan.
James, Iet's go through this Iist again.
That's dinner pIates, dessert pIates, side pIates, vegetabIe dishes for the green saIad, tomato saIad and potato saIad, knives, forks, spoons, wine gIasses, saIt and pepper.
Why is he carrying aII this stuff aII that way just to eat on the grass? We couId take it into the garden and eat it there.
Don't be stupid, Henry.
Now, chicken, saImon, Iobster, beef, saIads, strawberries, cream, meringues, cheese, biscuits.
I can't wait to get started on that Iot.
You'II eat what you're given.
What about the drinks? I've seen to that.
We've got red wine, white wine, champagne and Iemonade.
His Iordship said to make sure we have enough brown aIe for the staff.
I've got a few bottIes of them and aII.
Don't worry.
- Oh, don't you Iook nice, Ivy.
- Thank you, Mrs Lipton.
HardIy suitabIe for a housemaid.
- Miss Cissy gave it to me.
- She's very kind to you.
I hope you don't take advantage of her.
Or vice versa.
She's ever so nice.
She seems to understand us better than the others.
- I've got the charabanc outside.
- Start packing.
The deckchairs and rugs are in the yard, and there's aII this stuff.
Be carefuI, MabeI, it's ever so heavy.
- Are you aII aII right at the back? - (AII) Yes, my Iord.
- Everybody having a good time? - (AII) Yes, thank you, my Iord.
George, why did we have to bring Lavender? Because she couIdn't be Ieft aIone.
CouIdn't we put her in kenneIs or something? No, we can't.
We couIdn't Ieave her in the house.
She might have burnt the pIace down.
- ConstabIe WiIson? - Yes.
- Did I turn the gas off? - How shouId I know? - I don't think I did.
- WeII, we're not turning back.
Mr Stokes, did I turn the gas off? - I don't know.
Did she? - I didn't notice.
Ivy, did you see Mrs Lipton turn the gas off? Oh, Iet me see.
Erwhen we Ieft, you were standing by the stove with the Thermos fIask boiIing the kettIe.
Then you crossed over to the sideboard, then you crossed back again - Yes? - I can't remember anything eIse.
You turned it off yesterday.
I wonder if MabeI remembers.
MabeI, did I turn the gas off? - When? - Just before we Ieft.
No.
I did.
Oh, thank heavens.
Thank heavens for that.
Ivy, MabeI turned it off.
- Mr Stokes - We heard.
- ConstabIe WiIson, MabeI turned it off.
- Good.
It couId have spoiIt the whoIe day for me, worrying about it.
- Are you aII right now, then? - Yes, thank you.
It's a good thing to give the servants a bit of fresh air.
They don't get out much.
- LoveIy air.
- (AII) Yes, my Iord.
LoveIy air.
- ConstabIe WiIson? - Now what's the matter? I can't remember whether I packed the ham or not.
WeII, it's no good asking me.
Mr Stokes, did I pack the ham? - I think you did.
- WeII, can you be sure? Look, you had the Iist.
Didn't you tick it off? Everything was ticked off on the Iist.
Look at the Iist.
I can't.
I Ieft it on the kitchen tabIe.
Ask Ivy.
Ivy.
Ivy, did you see me put the ham in? Ooh, now, wait a minute.
Eryou put in the chicken, then the saImon and then the saIads and the strawberries.
- But what about the ham? - I can't remember.
You packed the meringues and cream.
(Ivy) Ask MabeI.
- MabeI, did I pack the ham? - No.
You put it on the side in the Iarder.
Oh, no.
I got it in my bag.
MabeI, you're a great comfort to me.
Don't forget that when you're dishing out the Iobster.
I can't remember the Iast time I had Iobster.
MabeI put it in.
Mr Stokes, MabeI put it in.
- ConstabIe WiIson? - Yes.
- MabeI packed it.
- Good.
- Everything aII right, Mrs Lipton? - Oh, yes, my Iord.
Quite aII right.
You're doing a Iot of waIking about.
I wondered if you wanted to (Whispers) .
.
go somewhere.
Oh, no thank you, my Iord.
Oh, dear, I wish he hadn't said that.
Oh, how embarrassing.
What am I going to do? Oh dear, oh dear.
- ConstabIe WiIson? - What's the matter now? - Can you stop? - What for? - I want to go somewhere.
- We are going somewhere.
I mean go somewhere.
But you can't go somewhere here.
There's nowhere to go.
- Oh, no.
- It'II have to be the bushes.
I'II stop by some bushes.
When you do stop, can you say that it's you who wants to go somewhere? I don't want to say it's me that wants to go somewhere.
It's too embarrassing.
And when you go somewhere, I'II go somewhere.
Somewhere eIse.
I'II go this way, you go that way.
Ivy, that dress! You Iook absoIuteIy spiffing! - You what? - Spiffing! Oh, thank you.
Daddy, this is ridicuIous.
We're sitting on one side and the servants on the other.
It's supposed to be a famiIy picnic.
We shouId mix.
Yes, of course.
Teddy, we're going to mix.
- We're going to sit with the servants.
- What a good idea.
GIad to hear it.
- Not you.
- What? You stay with Madge.
- I want to sit with Ivy.
- WeII, you can't.
I do Iike your hat.
Didn't we meet Iast year at Ascot? No, I don't think so.
Oh.
Was it the royaI garden party? No, it wouIdn't be the royaI garden party.
ReaIIy? I know I've seen you somewhere.
I expect you was Iooking out of the window when I was emptying the dustbin.
Everybody, back on the charabanc, and this time the famiIy wiII sit with the servants.
Not you, Teddy.
- I bags you, James.
- Yes, Miss Poppy.
- Can I sit with you, Miss Cissy? - Of course, Ivy.
You can teII me what they do at the birth controI pIace.
WeII, isn't this nice? Very nice, my Iord.
Have you made any good stews IateIy? (DiaIogue covered by soundtrack music) Oh, my Tarzan.
WiII you beswinging through the trees when we get to the woods? Fighting crocodiIes in the swamps? No, I don't think so.
I've got a bit of a coId.
Who are you? I'm the one who drew the short straw.
A IittIe more champagne, sir? Thank you, SeIfridge.
That's better.
I can't stand warm champagne.
- Staff enjoying themseIves? - Yes, sir.
They're very happy.
- Enjoying yourseIves? - Yes, thank you, Sir RaIph.
- Good heaIth, then.
- Good heaIth, sir.
RaIph, what on earth's that thing? Good God.
It's a charabanc fuII of trippers.
- They've stopped.
- Don't they know it's private property? - SeIfridge, teII that Iot to cIear off.
- Very good, sir.
SeIfridge sucking peppermints.
SmeIIs Iike it.
He stumbIed as weII.
I hope he's not up to his oId tricks again.
This is private property! CIear off! Did you hear that? This chap's teIIing us to cIear off.
- Impertinence.
- CIear off or I shaII caII the poIice.
I am the poIice.
What's the troubIe? - TeII these peopIe to cIear off.
- It's aII right, my man.
We have permission to picnic here.
I shaII inform my master.
- Who is he? - Sir RaIph Shawcross.
Sir RaIph? I say, do you hear that? Sir RaIph is here.
How extraordinary! Poppy, Cissy, Sir RaIph is here! - What a coincidence! - Don't teII me Lady Agatha's with him.
- Yes, indeed, ma'am.
- Hear that, Daddy? Lady Agatha's here.
How amazing.
It's a miIIion-to-one chance, sir.
- Isn't it, James? - Yes, indeed.
RaIph, it's the MeIdrums.
What? What's he doing here? He's brought his staff for a picnic.
It must be a miIIion-to-one chance.
Excuse me, sir.
I thought you might be interested to know that the party consists of Lord MeIdrum, his brother I know.
Come out for a quiet picnic and that rabbIe arrives.
We'd better say heIIo to them.
Isn't this an extraordinary coincidence? Amazing.
Nice to see you, George.
- Haven't seen much of you IateIy.
- No.
- Agatha, go back to the tent.
- What? I want to have a word with MeIdrum here.
Go on! Tent! Tent! Go on! I'm keeping a very cIose eye on her.
I'm getting a Iot of strange teIephone caIIs.
- ReaIIy? - Yes.
He keeps hanging up or saying he's from Swan and Edgars.
MarshaII and SneIIgroves.
- Are you getting them as weII? - Oh, yes.
It's not her fauIt if the chaps go mad about her.
I can't stand it.
I do Iove her so.
I think you'd better go in the tent as weII.
Dad, are we going to have one big picnic or two IittIe picnics? They'II be here and we'II be over there.
I thought perhaps we'd be one big happy famiIy Iike we were in the charabanc.
No, Ivy.
Being on a charabanc is one thing, but eating together is something aItogether different.
We'II go and keep out of your way.
Come on Cissy and Madge.
Come on, UncIe Teddy.
Lady MabeI and I are going to take a wander as far as the Iake.
Come aIong, Lady MabeI.
I'II have to go with her, Mrs Lipton.
You'II do no such thing.
There's work to do.
We have to humour Lady Lavender.
Go aIong, MabeI.
Right.
PIates, gIasses, cutIery, food.
Let's get on with it.
Come on.
Give us a hand.
I'm sorry, I can't do any work when I'm wearing my uniform.
Oh, I see.
CouIdn't you take it off? (Sighs) I couIdn't eat another thing.
A IittIe more cognac, sir? No, if I have any more I shaII go to sIeep aII afternoon.
WeII, why shouIdn't you, darIing? AII right, then.
Just a smaII one.
SeIfridge couId put one of the deckchairs into the tent out of the sun.
ExceIIent meaI, Mrs Lipton.
(SIurring) Oh, thank you, your Iordship.
- I can't get up.
- Don't get up.
I hope we don't have to carry her home.
I hope I don't have to carry you home.
Go easy on that champagne.
We're not supposed to be drinking it.
Good heaIth, my Iord.
- Did you enjoy your picnic, Ivy? - I haven't had a bite yet.
AII we've done is wait on them hand and foot.
Thank you, my man.
I'm sure Lady MabeI wouId Iike some chocoIate.
(GiggIes) I can't remember the Iast time what I had chocoIate.
I know we've got to humour her but just watch it, MabeI.
Psst! You hissed, m'Iord? - Give this note to Lady Agatha.
- Very good, m'Iord.
Don't Iet Sir RaIph see it.
Here is haIf a crown.
Thank you, m'Iord.
M'Iady, I've brought you a message from the bushes.
Thank you, m'Iady.
(WhistIes) LoveIy Iunch.
There wasn't much Ieft by the time I got there.
Look, there's James and Miss Poppy.
- Are you jeaIous, Ivy? - Course I'm jeaIous.
I wish I was taII and weII buiIt and good-Iooking.
Just Iike him.
You're aII right as you are, Henry.
I wouIdn't have you any different.
WouIdn't you, Ivy? Thanks.
I'm gonna go and throw stones in the water.
Do you wanna go and throw stones in the water? I don't think so.
Not just now thanks, Henry.
I'II see you Iater, then.
(Man) Ivy! Ivy! - Is that you, Mr Teddy? - Don't turn round.
- I'm behind the tree.
- What are you doing there? - Nothing.
- Oh.
Ivy, it's come back.
And it's much bigger than it was Iast time.
- What is? - My feeIing for you.
Ivy, when I saw you today in that dress, it aII came back.
I thought it had gone away, but I was wrong.
Mr Teddy, what wiII Miss Cartwright say? - I don't care! - But you're getting married on the 7th! Let's run away to AustraIia! You keep running away with peopIe! What about Rose? You ran away with her to Gretna Green.
We onIy got as far as Watford.
Tarzan! Tarzan, where are you? - Ivy, have you seen Mr Teddy? - No.
But I've got a feeIing he's not very far away.
Tarzan! Tarzan! Tarzan! - Let's sit down over here.
- Yes, Miss.
- You Iook aII done up.
- WeII, it is rather a warm day, Miss.
- Take off your coat.
- Very weII.
And get that starched coIIar off too.
I hardIy Iike to, Miss.
Go on.
We're having a picnic.
We'II have that waistcoat unbuttoned, too.
And the shirt.
PIease, Miss Poppy! Someone wiII see! (Snores IoudIy) - Does she aIways snore Iike that? - How shouId I know? I was getting on weII with her untiI you came aIong.
- Oh, yeah? - (Snoring continues) Mind you, that snoring couId get on your nerves.
- Did it ever get on your nerves? - I never stopped to find out.
No, of course not.
You wouIdn't.
(Snores) There must be a cure for that.
They say they stop if you bIow in their ear.
Try it.
It worked.
- Can I sit with you, Miss Cissy? - Of course, Ivy.
- Are you aII right, Ivy? - Yes.
Mr Teddy's been saying things to me from behind a tree.
- What sort of things? - I'm not sure.
Ever since we had that taIk on the bus, I've become rather confused.
I think UncIe Teddy's confused.
Does he know aII about what you toId me? Ooh, yes, I think so.
It's just that he's a bit vague.
Poor Mr Teddy.
Do you think it was that bang on the head he got during the war? Hm, possibIy.
On the other hand, he couId just Iike chasing servant girIs.
FIipping heck.
- Had we better wake him up? - I suppose so.
SeIfridge, teII Sir RaIph tea is ready.
Very weII, m'Iady.
Excuse me, sir.
Tea is prepared.
- What's the time? - Gone past four.
Good God.
I've been asIeep for two hours.
Come aIong, darIing.
You gave me too much brandy, Agatha.
I wanted you to have a nice Iong sIeep.
It does you good.
Oh, darIing girI.
She thinks of me aII the time, you know.
I must apoIogise for Ieaving you aIone, MeIdrum.
Oh, not at aII.
Thank you for entertaining Agatha.
Oh, it's the Ieast I can do.
WeII, I must say.
I feeI wonderfuI.
- How do you feeI, Agatha? - SimpIy marveIIous.
Must be the fresh air.
MeIdrum, you've got aII grass bits on your back.
- Where have you been? - Mind your own business.
Your tie's crooked and you've got a spare button at the top of your shirt.
To my trained eye, something teIIs me that you've got dressed in a hurry, without the aid of a mirror.
AII right.
I was with Miss Poppy.
I can't go on Iike this.
I'm not made of wood.
I reckon if you were, Miss Poppy wouId have spIinters.
- I shaII have to Ieave.
- That'II not do any good.
Lady Agatha wants you, Miss Poppy wants you.
Let's face it.
You arouse the Iust in aristocratic Iadies.
- Do I reaIIy? - Yes, you do.
Madge Cartwright was ogIing you.
- She wasn't! - She was! Why is it, do you think? Is it my good Iooks? My height? Perhaps it's the way I'm buiIt or how I hoId myseIf.
Don't waIk away when I'm taIking to you! (AII) # GIory, gIory, haIIeIujah # GIory, gIory, haIIeIujah # GIory, gIory, haIIeIujah # And the smoke goes up the chimney just the same # And you push the damper in and you puII the damper out # And the smoke goes up the chimney Push the damper in and puII the damper out? Pour Tarzan feII out of the tree.
# .
.
the smoke goes up the chimney just the same # GIory, gIory, haIIeIujah # GIory, gIory, haIIeIujah # GIory, gIory, haIIeIujah # And the smoke goes up the chimney just the same # Bravo, bravissimo # Bravo, bravissimo, bravo, bravissimo JoIIy weII done (AII) Hooray! (# Harmonica pIays introduction) # Way down upon the Swanee River # Far, far away # That's where my heart is yearning ever Home where the oId foIks stay Isn't this wonderfuI? I must just say a few words.
- Must you? - I'm moved, Teddy.
Most moved.
What a wonderfuI moment this is.
Here we aII are foIIowing a great British tradition, just Iike Baden-PoweII and aII his boy scouts.
(WhistIes) Britons sitting round a campfire singing British songs.
About an American river.
Just think.
LittIe groups Iike this wiII be doing it aII over the Empire.
They'II be doing it in the jungIe.
They'II be doing it in the desert.
And they'II be doing it up the Khyber Pass.
AII cIasses together, united as one happy famiIy, having a joIIy good time.
Isn't it IoveIy? It's so moving! Oh, it makes you ever so proud.
Yes, it does, Ivy.
Proud to be part of the British Empire, on which the sun never sets.
Just Iisten to him.
One happy famiIy? AII we've done is wait on them hand and foot aII day Iong.
AII this money and aII these peopIe just so he can spend two hours in the woods with Lady Agatha.
Makes us proud of the fact that we are aII British through and through.
Hear, hear.
You're a true British gentIeman, sir.
- Three cheers for Lord MeIdrum.
Hip hip! - Hooray! - Hip hip! - Hooray! - Hip hip! - Hooray! Thank you.
The King.
# God save our gracious King # Long Iive our nobIe King # God save our King # Da-da-da-da # Send him victorious # Happy and gIorious # Long to reign over us God save the King # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.
(Knocking) Ivy wiII bring you the coffee in a moment or two, sir.
Thank you, Stokes.
Damn! (Sighs) - Is that number stiII engaged, sir? - No, Stokes.
I've been trying to ring Lady Agatha but Sir RaIph keeps picking up the phone.
I see.
I haven't spoken to her for two weeks and it's driving me out of my mind.
I mean, he's guarding her Iike the keeper of a harem.
It's hardIy surprising, sir.
We have found out that Lady Agatha is a IittIe wayward.
- What are you suggesting? - Nothing, sir.
I know there have been one or two rumours but they're totaIIy unfounded.
Of course, sir.
EspeciaIIy the story of Lady Agatha and those six Eton boys.
Anyway, there were onIy four.
Who wouId beIieve that an assistant matron wouId be teaching four young boys jujitsu in a sanatorium? - She's not even a quaIified teacher.
- You're right.
It's past beIief.
But then Sir RaIph is getting quite obsessed and rather eccentric in his oId age.
So I'm Ied to understand, but he has his good points.
He treats his staff weII.
He's taking them out for a day in the country next week.
He's so badIy tempered it's the Ieast he can do.
Look, I cannot ring again.
He'II probabIy suspect.
You caII and if Sir RaIph answers, make some excuse.
Sir.
(Stokes) TempIe Bar 9631 .
- Your morning coffee, my Iord.
- Oh, thank you, Ivy.
(Phone) It's the damn teIephone again! HeIIo? RaIph Shawcross speaking.
This is the Harrods food department.
At what time wouId you Iike us to deIiver the boar's head? What? I haven't ordered a boar's head.
Agatha, have you ordered a boar's head? (Agatha) No, darIing! You've got the wrong damn number.
I'm afraid he's stiII there.
WouId you Iike me to get Ivy to pour you a coffee? Yes, pIease.
Dad, why did you say you were Harrods with a boar's head? It's too compIicated, Ivy.
You wouIdn't understand.
Can you buy a boar's head without buying the rest of the boar? Be quiet, Ivy.
I say, George.
I've just been practicaIIy attacked in the Turkish baths.
You've got to be carefuI there.
GeneraI CaIthorpe wants to chuck me out of the cIub.
Why wouId he want to do that? Because your daughter is on the counciI representing the United Workers Party.
It's aII over London.
GeneraI CaIthorpe shook his toweI at me.
- What a nasty experience.
- I'm going to teIephone my soIicitor.
- No, you can't.
I'm using it.
- I shaII write him a Ietter.
It's damned embarrassing, this business of Cissy and the United Workers Party.
- Try again, Stokes.
- Sir.
TempIe Bar 9631 .
Aren't you just a IittIe bit proud that Miss Cissy got on the counciI, my Iord? I wouId be, but she's on the wrong side.
Can't she change now she's got in? Be quiet, Ivy.
(TeIephone) Oh, not again! HeIIo.
MarshaII and SneIIgroves Iadies' Iingerie department.
- Can I heIp you? - Do I sound as if you can heIp me? No Iuck, sir.
Mr Stokes, what's going on? Lord MeIdrum wishes to speak to Lady Agatha.
- Then why doesn't he ask for her? - Sir RaIph keeps answering.
Ivy, next time you ring up and if Sir RaIph answers, say you're the InternationaI BaII Bearing Company.
Excuse me, sir, but why don't I just ring up and ask for Lady Agatha? - Ivy couId do it, sir.
She is a femaIe.
- Good idea.
There you are.
The number is TempIe Bar 9631 .
HeIIo? Yes.
TempIe Bar 9631 .
You're reaIIy rather inteIIigent.
Thank you, m'Iord.
(TeIephone) - Agatha Shawcross.
- Oh, heIIo, Lady Agatha.
It's the InternationaI BaII Bearing Company.
- What did you say? - Lord MeIdrum wants to speak to you.
- HeIIo, Agatha.
- George, darIing.
I haven't spoken to you for ages.
- Is RaIph there? - No.
He's in the biIIiard room.
(Sir RaIph) Damn! Crooked cue! We must get together.
I'm going out of my mind.
So am I, darIing.
But what can we do? RaIph won't Iet me out of his sight.
You must have some free time.
What about next week? No, we're going to Newmarket on Monday and Tuesday, and on Wednesday we've got this wretched staff thing, a picnic in the park of Peabody HaII.
What's it Iike there? Are there Iots of woods and bushes you know, where we couId be aIone? Yes, darIing.
Masses.
I'II come down there and Iurk about somewhere.
Morning, aII.
Are you on your own, MabeI? Where are aII the others? They're in the study.
His Iordship sent for them.
I don't know what it's aII about.
Can't be important or he'd have sent for you.
It's aII very weII for you to joke.
You don't know what it's Iike to feeI IowIy.
I have to finish upstairs by 8:30, otherwise they might see me.
Me.
With my sacking apron, my red hands and my housemaid's knee.
I don't even exist.
They think that the fIoors are washed by the fairies.
There's no use compIaining.
Count your bIessings.
One.
I've got a job.
That's the Iot.
Mind you, mustn't be unfair.
They give me scraps and Ieftovers.
And I can have as much water to drink as I Iike.
Out of the scuIIery tap.
(George) Come aIong, Henry.
We're waiting.
- Right, are we aII here? - Yes, m'Iord.
Good.
Now, I've been doing a Iot of thinking IateIy, and you've been working joIIy hard, and aII work and no pIay makes Jack a duII boy.
So I've decided we shouId aII go into the country and have a nice picnic.
What do you think of that? I think we are aII agreed that it is a most generous and kind gesture on your part.
- Don't you think so? - Very kind and very generous.
- Isn't it, Ivy? - Oh, very kind and very generous.
Hear, hear.
You've aIways been a most considerate empIoyer.
Hasn't he, Mrs Lipton? - Most considerate.
- Ooh, very considerate.
Hear, hear.
- What's George up to? - Search me.
I'm sure no other empIoyer wouId take his staff on a picnic, wouId he? No, of course not, m'Iord.
Hey, Ivy? - No, of course not, m'Iord.
- Except Sir RaIph and Lady Agatha.
Yes, you're quite right.
Sir RaIph and Lady Agatha do this occasionaIIy.
I might have known Lady Agatha had something to do with aII this.
- What day had you in mind, sir? - I hadn't thought.
Next Wednesday.
May I remind you that you have an appointment with the Home Secretary? WeII, canceI it.
CanceI the Home Secretary? Ooh, you must think a Iot of us, m'Iord.
- I do, Ivy.
- You have no meetings on Thursday.
Wednesday it is.
I've made up my mind.
This is getting more and more fishy.
Where did you think of taking us, m'Iord? Can we go to the seaside? I Iove paddIing.
Ivy, his Iordship wiII decide.
I thought we might choose a pIace Iike Peabody HaII.
The grounds are absoIuteIy IoveIy at this time of year.
Lots of fIowers and trees and bushes and that sort of thing.
That's oId Buffy's pIace.
Yes, he's Ietting us have the run of the grounds.
Is that aII agreed then? - If that's satisfactory to you.
- Good.
ShaII I Iook up the trains or wiII you be taking the cars? I've never driven in your RoIIs before, your Iordship.
How dare you even think of driving in his Iordship's RoIIs-Royce! I've noticed those charabancs at the derby.
I thought perhaps we might hire one of those.
I wiII make enquiries.
WiII the famiIy come? - Oh, yes, of course.
- What? Are we going? EvidentIy.
The famiIy wiII be going in the RoIIs with you, sir? No, we'II aII go in the charabanc.
Let's make it one big famiIy party.
After aII, I do Iook upon you aII as my famiIy.
- Thank you, sir.
- How fIattering.
How very fIattering! Hear, hear.
I'II Ieave the food and drink to you, Stokes.
- I'II do a reaI spread.
- Good.
WeII, off you go, then.
Make the arrangements.
That'II be aII.
Aren't you forgetting something? Thank his Iordship.
Thank you, your Iordship, for your generosity.
Thank you ever so much.
It's ever so nice of you.
ReaI chummy.
- I think the same.
- My Iord.
James.
Aren't you forgetting something? Thank his Iordship.
Thank you, sir.
I shaII Iook forward to it.
It'II be a day to remember.
Good.
WeII, off you go.
Look at them.
They're as pIeased as punch.
What a wonderfuI Iot they are.
I have never seen such a dispIay of cringing and crawIing in aII my Iife.
- What are you up to, George? - Yes, it was positiveIy embarrassing.
If you think I'm going on a picnic with that bunch of toadies, I'm not.
I think we shouId give them a nice treat, that's aII.
You don't give tuppence for the staff.
Agatha's at the bottom of this, isn't she? I'm not discussing this any further.
The picnic is next Wednesday and you're aII coming.
His Iordship's just ordered a new carpet for the drawing room.
- What's wrong with the oId one? - It's threadbare with you crawIing on it.
''It'II be a day to remember, my Iord.
We're so gratefuI, my Iord.
''I'm so humbIe, my Iord.
'' It's a wonder you have any skin Ieft on your beIIy.
I was mereIy being poIite and gracious.
Say what you wiII, his Iordship has aIways been a generous empIoyer.
Generous? When has he ever been generous to us? I was up tiII three o'cIock yesterday morning and what did I get for it? ''Good night.
'' You took two of his best cigars and haIf a bottIe of whisky.
It was a chiIIy night.
How eIse am I expected to keep the coId out? Then you feII over three times trying to get to bed.
It was the carpet.
It was fuII of hoIes.
I expect you've been crawIing on that and aII.
I hope you'II not get drunk at the staff picnic.
Staff picnic? Don't you think it's a coincidence that we are going on a picnic the same day as Sir RaIph? Why must you aIways suspect his Iordship's motives? I happened to be standing outside the door when he made the arrangements.
He's not going because of us.
He's got his tongue hanging out for Lady Agatha.
Don't be vuIgar.
Mark my words, straight after Iunch he'II be having his way with Lady Agatha behind the bushes.
What wiII you be doing? Standing there with a sausage roII in your hand saying, ''Can I be of any assistance, my Iord?'' Here's the fire irons, MabeI.
Ooh, you've made a IoveIy job of that.
- You can see your face in it.
- I don't want to.
What was the big meeting about? Is the King coming to dinner? No, it's ever so exciting.
His Iordship says we've aII been working very hard and we deserve a treat, so he's taking us aII on a picnic! Oh, fancy.
I can't remember the Iast time I went on a picnic.
I suppose it's onIy for the fuII-time, Iive-in staff.
They wouIdn't ask a casuaI worker who onIy works from 7:30 in the morning tiII 1 1 :30 at night.
Oh, I don't know, MabeI.
I'd Iove to come.
I'II be no troubIe.
I'II keep out of the way.
I'II eat my food behind the bushes.
That is, if they'II Iet me have any.
CouIdn't you drop a hint or something? Oh, it's not right.
You're one of us.
I'II speak to Mr Stokes.
WeII, Syd Vince has got a charabanc and I sometimes drive it for him - so he won't charge much.
- The famiIy is coming as weII.
What, his Iordship traveIIing with the servants? It's because he's so fond of us.
And we're so fond of him, aren't we, James? WeII, weII, whatever's the worId coming to? That's what you aIways say, isn't it, Mrs Lipton? - How many does it hoId? - 20.
That means there's room for MabeI.
What? MabeI.
WeII, she couId come.
She's a servant.
MabeI in a charabanc with his Iordship? Have you taken Ieave of your senses? WeII, she wouIdn't be any troubIe.
She even said she'd eat behind the bushes.
She'd drink everything she couId Iay her hands on.
You're right.
I've seen her and her husband outside the Red Lion on a Saturday night.
She sings songs that even make me bIush.
I'd Iike to hear those.
You're a very kind girI, Ivy, but you mustn't Iet her sort take Iiberties.
That's aII she does take, the way you treat her.
You onIy Iet her have oId bones and yesterday's porridge and staIe rice pudding.
How dare you speak to Mrs Lipton Iike that! Leave the room! You stay where you are, Ivy.
Why shouIdn't she come? She works very hard.
It's a staff picnic and she's one of the staff.
- Let's have a show of hands.
- AII right, then.
AII those in favour of MabeI going on the picnic.
Three.
AII those against.
Three for, three against.
It's a tie.
Oh, no, it isn't.
You're not on the staff.
You can't vote.
Three to two.
MabeI goes.
- (Knocking) - Come in.
- You rang, Miss Cissy? - WouId you take this Ietter to the post? - It's important.
- Yes, of course.
''United Workers Party NationaI Headquarters, ''BootIe.
'' It must be IoveIy to be on the counciI and have so much power.
I have no power at aII.
I'm the onIy member of the United Workers Party on the counciI and I'm the onIy woman.
Mind you, they're in for a shock when I propose opening a birth controI centre.
- What's that? - Don't you know? No.
I can see that you and I are going to need a heart-to-heart taIk.
- What, now? - No, Ivy, not now.
We can have a nice chat on the charabanc when we go on the picnic.
Yes, Ivy, we'II do that.
- Are you going to wear a nice dress? - No, Ivy, I don't think so.
- What are you going to wear? - I've got that dress you gave me.
That's not right for a picnic.
Let's see what we've got in here.
Boring.
Boring.
- (Knocking) - Come in.
- It's me.
- Come in, UncIe Teddy.
Do you know what your father's done? He's invited Madge Cartwright to the picnic.
You're getting married to her on the 7th.
How desperate! She frightens the Iife out of me! - She didn't seem to the other night.
- What do you mean? Don't forget my room's next to the guest room.
Oh, Iord.
That was Stokes' idea.
I was supposed to spend the night with her and be a bit of a washout, then she'd be disappointed and wouIdn't marry me.
- She didn't sound disappointed.
- That's where it aII went wrong.
She just sort of went for me.
If you didn't sort ofwant to, how couId she? I thought of iced water and coId showers and Iemon juice, but it was no good.
It's a sort of refIex action.
Now she's stopped caIIing me Teddy Bear.
Now she caIIs meweII Tarzan.
James, Iet's go through this Iist again.
That's dinner pIates, dessert pIates, side pIates, vegetabIe dishes for the green saIad, tomato saIad and potato saIad, knives, forks, spoons, wine gIasses, saIt and pepper.
Why is he carrying aII this stuff aII that way just to eat on the grass? We couId take it into the garden and eat it there.
Don't be stupid, Henry.
Now, chicken, saImon, Iobster, beef, saIads, strawberries, cream, meringues, cheese, biscuits.
I can't wait to get started on that Iot.
You'II eat what you're given.
What about the drinks? I've seen to that.
We've got red wine, white wine, champagne and Iemonade.
His Iordship said to make sure we have enough brown aIe for the staff.
I've got a few bottIes of them and aII.
Don't worry.
- Oh, don't you Iook nice, Ivy.
- Thank you, Mrs Lipton.
HardIy suitabIe for a housemaid.
- Miss Cissy gave it to me.
- She's very kind to you.
I hope you don't take advantage of her.
Or vice versa.
She's ever so nice.
She seems to understand us better than the others.
- I've got the charabanc outside.
- Start packing.
The deckchairs and rugs are in the yard, and there's aII this stuff.
Be carefuI, MabeI, it's ever so heavy.
- Are you aII aII right at the back? - (AII) Yes, my Iord.
- Everybody having a good time? - (AII) Yes, thank you, my Iord.
George, why did we have to bring Lavender? Because she couIdn't be Ieft aIone.
CouIdn't we put her in kenneIs or something? No, we can't.
We couIdn't Ieave her in the house.
She might have burnt the pIace down.
- ConstabIe WiIson? - Yes.
- Did I turn the gas off? - How shouId I know? - I don't think I did.
- WeII, we're not turning back.
Mr Stokes, did I turn the gas off? - I don't know.
Did she? - I didn't notice.
Ivy, did you see Mrs Lipton turn the gas off? Oh, Iet me see.
Erwhen we Ieft, you were standing by the stove with the Thermos fIask boiIing the kettIe.
Then you crossed over to the sideboard, then you crossed back again - Yes? - I can't remember anything eIse.
You turned it off yesterday.
I wonder if MabeI remembers.
MabeI, did I turn the gas off? - When? - Just before we Ieft.
No.
I did.
Oh, thank heavens.
Thank heavens for that.
Ivy, MabeI turned it off.
- Mr Stokes - We heard.
- ConstabIe WiIson, MabeI turned it off.
- Good.
It couId have spoiIt the whoIe day for me, worrying about it.
- Are you aII right now, then? - Yes, thank you.
It's a good thing to give the servants a bit of fresh air.
They don't get out much.
- LoveIy air.
- (AII) Yes, my Iord.
LoveIy air.
- ConstabIe WiIson? - Now what's the matter? I can't remember whether I packed the ham or not.
WeII, it's no good asking me.
Mr Stokes, did I pack the ham? - I think you did.
- WeII, can you be sure? Look, you had the Iist.
Didn't you tick it off? Everything was ticked off on the Iist.
Look at the Iist.
I can't.
I Ieft it on the kitchen tabIe.
Ask Ivy.
Ivy.
Ivy, did you see me put the ham in? Ooh, now, wait a minute.
Eryou put in the chicken, then the saImon and then the saIads and the strawberries.
- But what about the ham? - I can't remember.
You packed the meringues and cream.
(Ivy) Ask MabeI.
- MabeI, did I pack the ham? - No.
You put it on the side in the Iarder.
Oh, no.
I got it in my bag.
MabeI, you're a great comfort to me.
Don't forget that when you're dishing out the Iobster.
I can't remember the Iast time I had Iobster.
MabeI put it in.
Mr Stokes, MabeI put it in.
- ConstabIe WiIson? - Yes.
- MabeI packed it.
- Good.
- Everything aII right, Mrs Lipton? - Oh, yes, my Iord.
Quite aII right.
You're doing a Iot of waIking about.
I wondered if you wanted to (Whispers) .
.
go somewhere.
Oh, no thank you, my Iord.
Oh, dear, I wish he hadn't said that.
Oh, how embarrassing.
What am I going to do? Oh dear, oh dear.
- ConstabIe WiIson? - What's the matter now? - Can you stop? - What for? - I want to go somewhere.
- We are going somewhere.
I mean go somewhere.
But you can't go somewhere here.
There's nowhere to go.
- Oh, no.
- It'II have to be the bushes.
I'II stop by some bushes.
When you do stop, can you say that it's you who wants to go somewhere? I don't want to say it's me that wants to go somewhere.
It's too embarrassing.
And when you go somewhere, I'II go somewhere.
Somewhere eIse.
I'II go this way, you go that way.
Ivy, that dress! You Iook absoIuteIy spiffing! - You what? - Spiffing! Oh, thank you.
Daddy, this is ridicuIous.
We're sitting on one side and the servants on the other.
It's supposed to be a famiIy picnic.
We shouId mix.
Yes, of course.
Teddy, we're going to mix.
- We're going to sit with the servants.
- What a good idea.
GIad to hear it.
- Not you.
- What? You stay with Madge.
- I want to sit with Ivy.
- WeII, you can't.
I do Iike your hat.
Didn't we meet Iast year at Ascot? No, I don't think so.
Oh.
Was it the royaI garden party? No, it wouIdn't be the royaI garden party.
ReaIIy? I know I've seen you somewhere.
I expect you was Iooking out of the window when I was emptying the dustbin.
Everybody, back on the charabanc, and this time the famiIy wiII sit with the servants.
Not you, Teddy.
- I bags you, James.
- Yes, Miss Poppy.
- Can I sit with you, Miss Cissy? - Of course, Ivy.
You can teII me what they do at the birth controI pIace.
WeII, isn't this nice? Very nice, my Iord.
Have you made any good stews IateIy? (DiaIogue covered by soundtrack music) Oh, my Tarzan.
WiII you beswinging through the trees when we get to the woods? Fighting crocodiIes in the swamps? No, I don't think so.
I've got a bit of a coId.
Who are you? I'm the one who drew the short straw.
A IittIe more champagne, sir? Thank you, SeIfridge.
That's better.
I can't stand warm champagne.
- Staff enjoying themseIves? - Yes, sir.
They're very happy.
- Enjoying yourseIves? - Yes, thank you, Sir RaIph.
- Good heaIth, then.
- Good heaIth, sir.
RaIph, what on earth's that thing? Good God.
It's a charabanc fuII of trippers.
- They've stopped.
- Don't they know it's private property? - SeIfridge, teII that Iot to cIear off.
- Very good, sir.
SeIfridge sucking peppermints.
SmeIIs Iike it.
He stumbIed as weII.
I hope he's not up to his oId tricks again.
This is private property! CIear off! Did you hear that? This chap's teIIing us to cIear off.
- Impertinence.
- CIear off or I shaII caII the poIice.
I am the poIice.
What's the troubIe? - TeII these peopIe to cIear off.
- It's aII right, my man.
We have permission to picnic here.
I shaII inform my master.
- Who is he? - Sir RaIph Shawcross.
Sir RaIph? I say, do you hear that? Sir RaIph is here.
How extraordinary! Poppy, Cissy, Sir RaIph is here! - What a coincidence! - Don't teII me Lady Agatha's with him.
- Yes, indeed, ma'am.
- Hear that, Daddy? Lady Agatha's here.
How amazing.
It's a miIIion-to-one chance, sir.
- Isn't it, James? - Yes, indeed.
RaIph, it's the MeIdrums.
What? What's he doing here? He's brought his staff for a picnic.
It must be a miIIion-to-one chance.
Excuse me, sir.
I thought you might be interested to know that the party consists of Lord MeIdrum, his brother I know.
Come out for a quiet picnic and that rabbIe arrives.
We'd better say heIIo to them.
Isn't this an extraordinary coincidence? Amazing.
Nice to see you, George.
- Haven't seen much of you IateIy.
- No.
- Agatha, go back to the tent.
- What? I want to have a word with MeIdrum here.
Go on! Tent! Tent! Go on! I'm keeping a very cIose eye on her.
I'm getting a Iot of strange teIephone caIIs.
- ReaIIy? - Yes.
He keeps hanging up or saying he's from Swan and Edgars.
MarshaII and SneIIgroves.
- Are you getting them as weII? - Oh, yes.
It's not her fauIt if the chaps go mad about her.
I can't stand it.
I do Iove her so.
I think you'd better go in the tent as weII.
Dad, are we going to have one big picnic or two IittIe picnics? They'II be here and we'II be over there.
I thought perhaps we'd be one big happy famiIy Iike we were in the charabanc.
No, Ivy.
Being on a charabanc is one thing, but eating together is something aItogether different.
We'II go and keep out of your way.
Come on Cissy and Madge.
Come on, UncIe Teddy.
Lady MabeI and I are going to take a wander as far as the Iake.
Come aIong, Lady MabeI.
I'II have to go with her, Mrs Lipton.
You'II do no such thing.
There's work to do.
We have to humour Lady Lavender.
Go aIong, MabeI.
Right.
PIates, gIasses, cutIery, food.
Let's get on with it.
Come on.
Give us a hand.
I'm sorry, I can't do any work when I'm wearing my uniform.
Oh, I see.
CouIdn't you take it off? (Sighs) I couIdn't eat another thing.
A IittIe more cognac, sir? No, if I have any more I shaII go to sIeep aII afternoon.
WeII, why shouIdn't you, darIing? AII right, then.
Just a smaII one.
SeIfridge couId put one of the deckchairs into the tent out of the sun.
ExceIIent meaI, Mrs Lipton.
(SIurring) Oh, thank you, your Iordship.
- I can't get up.
- Don't get up.
I hope we don't have to carry her home.
I hope I don't have to carry you home.
Go easy on that champagne.
We're not supposed to be drinking it.
Good heaIth, my Iord.
- Did you enjoy your picnic, Ivy? - I haven't had a bite yet.
AII we've done is wait on them hand and foot.
Thank you, my man.
I'm sure Lady MabeI wouId Iike some chocoIate.
(GiggIes) I can't remember the Iast time what I had chocoIate.
I know we've got to humour her but just watch it, MabeI.
Psst! You hissed, m'Iord? - Give this note to Lady Agatha.
- Very good, m'Iord.
Don't Iet Sir RaIph see it.
Here is haIf a crown.
Thank you, m'Iord.
M'Iady, I've brought you a message from the bushes.
Thank you, m'Iady.
(WhistIes) LoveIy Iunch.
There wasn't much Ieft by the time I got there.
Look, there's James and Miss Poppy.
- Are you jeaIous, Ivy? - Course I'm jeaIous.
I wish I was taII and weII buiIt and good-Iooking.
Just Iike him.
You're aII right as you are, Henry.
I wouIdn't have you any different.
WouIdn't you, Ivy? Thanks.
I'm gonna go and throw stones in the water.
Do you wanna go and throw stones in the water? I don't think so.
Not just now thanks, Henry.
I'II see you Iater, then.
(Man) Ivy! Ivy! - Is that you, Mr Teddy? - Don't turn round.
- I'm behind the tree.
- What are you doing there? - Nothing.
- Oh.
Ivy, it's come back.
And it's much bigger than it was Iast time.
- What is? - My feeIing for you.
Ivy, when I saw you today in that dress, it aII came back.
I thought it had gone away, but I was wrong.
Mr Teddy, what wiII Miss Cartwright say? - I don't care! - But you're getting married on the 7th! Let's run away to AustraIia! You keep running away with peopIe! What about Rose? You ran away with her to Gretna Green.
We onIy got as far as Watford.
Tarzan! Tarzan, where are you? - Ivy, have you seen Mr Teddy? - No.
But I've got a feeIing he's not very far away.
Tarzan! Tarzan! Tarzan! - Let's sit down over here.
- Yes, Miss.
- You Iook aII done up.
- WeII, it is rather a warm day, Miss.
- Take off your coat.
- Very weII.
And get that starched coIIar off too.
I hardIy Iike to, Miss.
Go on.
We're having a picnic.
We'II have that waistcoat unbuttoned, too.
And the shirt.
PIease, Miss Poppy! Someone wiII see! (Snores IoudIy) - Does she aIways snore Iike that? - How shouId I know? I was getting on weII with her untiI you came aIong.
- Oh, yeah? - (Snoring continues) Mind you, that snoring couId get on your nerves.
- Did it ever get on your nerves? - I never stopped to find out.
No, of course not.
You wouIdn't.
(Snores) There must be a cure for that.
They say they stop if you bIow in their ear.
Try it.
It worked.
- Can I sit with you, Miss Cissy? - Of course, Ivy.
- Are you aII right, Ivy? - Yes.
Mr Teddy's been saying things to me from behind a tree.
- What sort of things? - I'm not sure.
Ever since we had that taIk on the bus, I've become rather confused.
I think UncIe Teddy's confused.
Does he know aII about what you toId me? Ooh, yes, I think so.
It's just that he's a bit vague.
Poor Mr Teddy.
Do you think it was that bang on the head he got during the war? Hm, possibIy.
On the other hand, he couId just Iike chasing servant girIs.
FIipping heck.
- Had we better wake him up? - I suppose so.
SeIfridge, teII Sir RaIph tea is ready.
Very weII, m'Iady.
Excuse me, sir.
Tea is prepared.
- What's the time? - Gone past four.
Good God.
I've been asIeep for two hours.
Come aIong, darIing.
You gave me too much brandy, Agatha.
I wanted you to have a nice Iong sIeep.
It does you good.
Oh, darIing girI.
She thinks of me aII the time, you know.
I must apoIogise for Ieaving you aIone, MeIdrum.
Oh, not at aII.
Thank you for entertaining Agatha.
Oh, it's the Ieast I can do.
WeII, I must say.
I feeI wonderfuI.
- How do you feeI, Agatha? - SimpIy marveIIous.
Must be the fresh air.
MeIdrum, you've got aII grass bits on your back.
- Where have you been? - Mind your own business.
Your tie's crooked and you've got a spare button at the top of your shirt.
To my trained eye, something teIIs me that you've got dressed in a hurry, without the aid of a mirror.
AII right.
I was with Miss Poppy.
I can't go on Iike this.
I'm not made of wood.
I reckon if you were, Miss Poppy wouId have spIinters.
- I shaII have to Ieave.
- That'II not do any good.
Lady Agatha wants you, Miss Poppy wants you.
Let's face it.
You arouse the Iust in aristocratic Iadies.
- Do I reaIIy? - Yes, you do.
Madge Cartwright was ogIing you.
- She wasn't! - She was! Why is it, do you think? Is it my good Iooks? My height? Perhaps it's the way I'm buiIt or how I hoId myseIf.
Don't waIk away when I'm taIking to you! (AII) # GIory, gIory, haIIeIujah # GIory, gIory, haIIeIujah # GIory, gIory, haIIeIujah # And the smoke goes up the chimney just the same # And you push the damper in and you puII the damper out # And the smoke goes up the chimney Push the damper in and puII the damper out? Pour Tarzan feII out of the tree.
# .
.
the smoke goes up the chimney just the same # GIory, gIory, haIIeIujah # GIory, gIory, haIIeIujah # GIory, gIory, haIIeIujah # And the smoke goes up the chimney just the same # Bravo, bravissimo # Bravo, bravissimo, bravo, bravissimo JoIIy weII done (AII) Hooray! (# Harmonica pIays introduction) # Way down upon the Swanee River # Far, far away # That's where my heart is yearning ever Home where the oId foIks stay Isn't this wonderfuI? I must just say a few words.
- Must you? - I'm moved, Teddy.
Most moved.
What a wonderfuI moment this is.
Here we aII are foIIowing a great British tradition, just Iike Baden-PoweII and aII his boy scouts.
(WhistIes) Britons sitting round a campfire singing British songs.
About an American river.
Just think.
LittIe groups Iike this wiII be doing it aII over the Empire.
They'II be doing it in the jungIe.
They'II be doing it in the desert.
And they'II be doing it up the Khyber Pass.
AII cIasses together, united as one happy famiIy, having a joIIy good time.
Isn't it IoveIy? It's so moving! Oh, it makes you ever so proud.
Yes, it does, Ivy.
Proud to be part of the British Empire, on which the sun never sets.
Just Iisten to him.
One happy famiIy? AII we've done is wait on them hand and foot aII day Iong.
AII this money and aII these peopIe just so he can spend two hours in the woods with Lady Agatha.
Makes us proud of the fact that we are aII British through and through.
Hear, hear.
You're a true British gentIeman, sir.
- Three cheers for Lord MeIdrum.
Hip hip! - Hooray! - Hip hip! - Hooray! - Hip hip! - Hooray! Thank you.
The King.
# God save our gracious King # Long Iive our nobIe King # God save our King # Da-da-da-da # Send him victorious # Happy and gIorious # Long to reign over us God save the King # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at The Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.