You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s04e04 Episode Script

1 From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear the same refrain In every house, again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The bunny hug at the Shim Sham Club The Charleston at the Ritz And at the Truc, do the turkey trot They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits Saucy flappers in cloche hats Natty chappies in white spats - # The upper set is going bats - (Bell) You rang, m'lord? Done a nice job with that silver, Henry, I'll give you that.
It shines beautifully.
So it should.
I spent half the morning on it.
I got no spit left.
Oh, doesn't that silver look lovely? His Lordship wants the best Crown Derby tea service.
Get it from the back hall.
All the best silver and the Crown Derby? Is Queen Mary coming to tea? You wouldn't put your best stuff out if she was coming.
If something takes her fancy, she drops so many hints, you have to give it to her.
I wish I had a hat like that.
Then people would bow to me and I could wave back just like she does.
Yeah.
I bet they'd wonder what Queen Mary was doing scrubbing our front steps.
- Who is coming to tea, then? - Sir Ralph and Lady Agatha.
- Go along, Ivy.
Go and get that china.
- Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Be very careful.
It's a family heirloom.
Oh Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Oh, dear, there they are now.
Oh, I'm ever so nervous.
I used a new recipe for the sponge cake.
Don't worry, Mrs Lipton.
You're a wonderful cook.
Don't be cheeky.
Sir Ralph and Lady Shawcross, m'lord.
- Hello, George.
- Hello.
How lovely to see you.
Are you well? - Yes, thank you.
- Shall I serve the tea right away? - Yes, please.
Tell the girls, would you? - Yes, m'lord.
Looking forward to the grouse shooting? Yes, love it, you know.
Absolutely love it.
You looking forward to it, Agatha? Actually, George, I'm not going.
Agatha doesn't really care for it.
I can't stand all that noise.
You know how I feel about banging.
Oh, really? Anyhow, I'm going to remain in London.
Yes, and that's where you come in, George.
I know it's damn cheek to ask but can Agatha stay with you? - I mean, would it be a frightful bore? - Of course not.
You only have to say and I can pack her off to her aunt in Weybridge.
- They tell me it's nice in Weybridge.
- No, it would be a pleasure.
- Won't it, Stokes? - Of course, m'lord.
Lady Agatha is very popular in this household.
We've got to go down to tea.
What's the matter with you? I looked in the mirror and I found a grey hair.
- Where? - I pulled it out.
- And look, I've got crow's feet.
- They're laugh lines.
What have I got to laugh at? I shall be an old maid left on the shelf.
Why does everyone want to get married? I just want somebody to look after me.
Jerry proposed to me last night for the umpteenth time.
He's terribly rich.
I think I'm going to accept him.
After all, I'm nearly 25.
- Actually, you're 26.
- I am not, I'm 25.
I was born in 1902.
Oh, no, you were born in 1901, during Queen Victoria's funeral, which is why you are such a misery.
And because I've got a rotten sister.
Come down and watch Daddy drooling over his paramour.
Oh, they make me sick.
(Kicks door) Henry! Who is it? Open the door, Henry.
- You've been a long time, Ivy.
- I'm sorry, Mrs Lipton.
- I was afraid of dropping them.
- (Barks ) Henry! Go in the scullery and don't come out till I tell you.
If you're not careful, Henry, you'll feel my belt round your backside.
You're not too old, you know.
Imagine drinking tea out of a cup like that.
Me and my old man have to share one chipped mug between us.
Mind you, we drink from different sides.
You will be careful when you're washing up, won't you? Oh, no, you'll have to do that, Ivy.
I can't trust Mabel to wash them.
Not with her rough hands.
Oh, no, that wouldn't do at all.
After all, I'm only good for washing up dirty old pots and pans.
I couldn't do anything delicate like washing them.
My face might crack the saucers.
Another piece of Mrs Lipton's sponge, Lady Agatha? - No, thank you.
- It's a new recipe.
- Did you enjoy it? - Delicious.
- But I won't have any more.
- Then I'll take your plate.
Crown Derby.
An heirloom.
That will do, Ivy.
Pardon me, I've instructed Henry to take Lady Agatha's luggage to the guest room.
- Thank you, James.
- What's happening? Excuse me, I'll take your plate and cup and saucer.
Heirloom.
Agatha is not going to Scotland with Ralph.
She doesn't like the banging.
I don't suppose the grouse like it all that much, either.
Ralph has asked us if we'd look after Agatha for a few days.
I said we would be delighted.
How lovely.
We think so much of you.
- Don't we, Cissy? - It's lovely having a guest in the house.
Especially someone you know really well.
Isn't it, Daddy? Yes.
Excuse me, Sir Ralph's chauffeur says it's time to leave for the station.
Oh, thank you.
- Meldrum, may I have a quick word? - Yes, of course.
- Come into the conservatory.
- I'll take your cup and saucer.
Don't want to break them.
Heirlooms.
Now, look, Meldrum.
I know it's a lot to ask, but you will keep your eye on little Aggie for me, won't you? - Oh, yes, of course.
- If she wants to go out to dinner or a nightclub, go with her.
- Oh, I will.
- Of course, I know it's a frightful bore.
No, no, no.
Agatha is very good company.
Oh, do you feel that, too? Yes, yes, she is.
- And she looks good.
- Yes, no doubt about it.
Yes.
- And she stands well, don't you think? - Oh, yes, awfully well.
- One more thing, Meldrum.
- Yes? Agatha is inclined to be a trifle wayward.
It's not her fault.
Men pester her all the time.
- You know I had to sack the boot boy? - No, why? Caught him polishing her riding boots.
Isn't that what boot boys usually do? She was in them.
One more thing, Meldrum, if any men telephone and ask for her, - try and find out who they are.
- Right.
- I hired a private detective once.
- Did you? But he was a complete idiot.
All his enquiries led to you! You can't do anything.
I'm sorry, Meldrum.
That's damn bad taste.
How about that? La Tâche 1920.
Go down a treat with a beef Wellington.
- Two bottles? - With that constable, we'll need them.
- What's beef Wellington, then? - Well The way I make it, I get a nice fillet of beef, and I trim all the fat off Oh, by the way, I put that in the pantry for you, Mabel.
Oh That'll be nice.
I pop it into a frying pan to seal the juices in then cover it with pastry and put it in the oven.
Not for too long.
Constable Wilson likes his beef slightly underdone.
Of course, some people put pâté in it but I don't .
Because of Constable Wilson's delicate stomach.
Oh! We must get it right for Constable Wilson.
It seems to me Mrs Lipton runs this house for his benefit.
Constable Wilson is very good to Mrs Lipton.
He brings her carnations and roses.
Which he pinches from the garden at number 11.
That's not true.
The last bunch of flowers he bought me was wrapped in paper with " Harrods" on it.
- Which he got out of the dustbin.
- And I ironed it for him.
Well, he's very sensible with his money.
- Good evening, all.
- Evening, Constable.
Am I in time? I'm dishing up in five minutes, Constable.
- Why are you eating early? - They've all gone out.
His Lordship's taking Lady Agatha to the Ritz.
Miss Cissy's at the soup kitchen.
Miss Poppy's gone out with Mr Jerry.
Mr Teddy has gone out in his new car that Miss Cartwright gave him.
- Has he taken Miss Cartwright? - No, he's gone alone.
Well, it suits me to eat early.
If I eat too late, it repeats on me all night.
- I'm the same, Constable.
- It's nice to have something in common.
Try that.
That's all right.
One of the finest Burgundies in the world and all you can say is, "That's all right"? Well, speak as you find.
Hey, I just thought.
What about Lady Lavender? - She's gone out, too.
- Where? She's gone to see her friend, Lady Blake, about arrangements for the suffragettes' reunion tomorrow.
That's a coincidence.
It's the British Legion reunion tomorrow night.
- You going, Mr Stokes? - Yes, with my dear old comrade here who I served in the trenches with.
- What do you do at these reunions? - Sing all the old songs and get drunk.
You mean you get drunk.
That's the part I can't stand.
Then why do you go? Firstly, because His Lordship, an officer and a gentlemen, has given us the evening off to attend.
- Secondly, I cannot let the Legion down.
- I bet you have some tales to tell.
I have.
He hasn't .
Right.
Sit down, everybody.
Oh, doesn't it smell lovely? You cut it, Mr Stokes.
Oh! I'm looking forward to this.
That's a big sausage roll.
Give over, Constable.
That's beef Wellington.
- What's that when it's at home? - It's a nice fillet of beef.
She pops it in the frying pan to seal all the juices, then puts pastry round it, then puts it in the oven, until it's slightly underdone, just the way you like it.
But she doesn't put any of the pâté in it because of your delicate stomach.
- Very thoughtful.
- Look at the way Mr Stokes is cutting it.
You can see all the lovely juices running out.
Oh, I bet it's a wonderful flavour.
Go down lovely with a dab of mustard.
Pass us the sauce boat from the side there, Mabel.
Then you can go.
We'll do the washing-up.
- I don't mind stopping.
- No, no, no.
No, you have an early night.
And don't forget that fat.
And the kipper skins left over from breakfast.
Oh, and there's a bit of cold tapioca pudding.
Oh, a banquet! (Brakes screech) Brakes work well, don't they? It's a lovely car.
Must have cost a fortune.
- When did you get it? - Miss Cartwright gave it to me.
She never gave me nothing when I was working for her.
- You're not going to marry her, are you? - Never mind about all that.
- Let's go for a stroll.
- A stroll! In the moonlight! How romantic! Yes, isn't it? Do you think the moon really is made of cheese, Mr Teddy? We shall never know.
Rose, did you do what I told you? Yes, of course.
Anything for you, Mr Teddy.
Are you going to show yourself to me? Am I going to see it? If that's what you want, Mr Teddy.
I had to sneak out the house with the coat buttoned right up so no one could see underneath.
- Show me now.
- Don't be impatient.
I can't help it, I've waited too long.
Undo my buttons, then.
Oh, my God! (Thunder) No peeking, now.
- Are you ready? - Yes, yes, I'm ready.
I'm afraid the cap's got a bit crumpled.
Oh, thank you, Rose, thank you! I want to kiss every bit of you.
Oh, you are naughty.
You'll have to catch me first.
(Thunder) Come back, Rose.
Come back! Rose, where are you? - I'm here.
- Oh! Let the thunder flash and the lightning roar.
That's the wrong way round! It doesn't matter.
I love you, Rose.
I love this woman! - I love this woman! - (Thunder rumbles ) I don't care who knows it.
Let the whole world hear it.
What did you say? I said, let the whole world hear it! Oh - I want you! I want you! - Oh! Oh, Mr Teddy, you're overpowering me with your passion.
There's more to come! I'm getting all muddy.
Don't worry about it.
It'll soon wash off.
With carbolic soap.
Carbolic soap! Hmm This is bliss, George.
Sheer bliss.
(Both) Hmm Pity Ralph's coming back from Scotland tomorrow.
Never mind.
There will be other times.
Hmm.
We must make the best of today.
(Agatha ) Oops! Hello, Teddy.
Just sitting here, getting the morning sun.
- You're not in the sun.
- It'll be round in a minute.
I just took Agatha to the garage to see your new car.
It's beautiful.
Madge Cartwright must be mad about you.
Yes, mad.
- Why is it full of water? - Erm I - I got caught in the rain last night.
- Why not put the hood up? - I couldn't stop.
- Why not? I wanted to get home before the rain got worse.
You are a silly arse, Teddy.
I hear the wedding's on again, Teddy.
I must say, Madge is very tolerant.
I don't want to talk about it.
I hear there's no dinner tonight.
I shall go to the club.
- With Madge? - It's men only, thank God.
What shall we do tonight, George? I thought we'd go to the Chelsea Palace to see a few turns.
- First house? - Of course.
- Then we can get another early night.
- Mm-hm.
(Hammering) Come in.
Er Excuse me, m'lady.
I've brought back the dress you lent Mabel for the ball.
Oh, what a charming lady.
Put it on the bed.
I'm just doing the inscription on Captain's tombstone.
Mrs Lipton wants to know if you're coming down to lunch, or if you'll stay up here chipping.
Oh, no, I must stick at it.
Oh, don't forget you've got the suffragettes' reunion dinner tonight.
Oh, the suffragettes.
Oh, happy days.
We used to throw things at politicians, you know.
I bet you enjoyed that.
- What are you going to wear? - I can't be bothered with that now.
I must get on.
Here.
Read the poem out to me.
Dear two-footed, white-beaked, feathered friend How far have you got? I've finished the first word, " dear" .
It's taken me a week.
- What's the next word? - Two.
- (Drunken shouting) - You'll wake His Lordship! Now, let me see.
- Which key is it? - You don't need a key.
Hello, Henry.
This is Mr Selfridge.
Mr Selfridge is the butler at Sir Ralph Shawcross's house.
Yeah, I know.
Hello.
Mr Selfridge, this is Henrythe boot.
- Oh, we sacked ours.
- So did you all have a nice time, then? It was wonderful, Henry.
Wonderful.
It's almost made the war seem worthwhile.
I'll see you in the morning.
Good night.
Aren't you ashamed to let Henry see you in this state? How can you expect him to have any respect for you after this? Oh, pooh! Well, I'm gonna get back on my beat.
It's a good job you didn't bump into a policeman tonight.
You'd be run in for being drunk and disorderly.
- Thank for your help, Constable.
- This is a wonderful man.
A great upholder of the law.
And not too expensive.
- Well, I'm off to bed.
- Don't go yet.
The night's young.
James, Lady Agatha keeps talking about you.
She keeps going on about how well-built you are.
Of course, I don't which part of you she's referring to! All the girls lust after him, don't they, James? I don't want to listen to this babbling.
Don't stand there all po-faced.
Come and have a drink.
We're old comrades.
- # Comrades, comrades # - Oh, good night! What's the matter? Doesn't he like music? He doesn't like anything.
Here.
Have a drop of this.
It's good stuff.
Napoleon used to drink it.
It says so on the bottle.
Didn't leave very much, did he? Why shouldn't I have a drink? After all, I haven't got to be up early in the morning.
My master's miles away in Scotland.
Having a go at the grouse.
And my master's upstairs having a go at your mistress! That's impossible.
He was wounded in the art-tillery.
Nobody's supposed to know.
It's all round London.
Can you keep a secret? You are talking to a brother of the Ancient Order of Water Buffaloes.
I'm a bighorn.
Well, I'll tell you.
I made it all up.
What, about him being shot in the art-tillery? - Yes.
- That's not a very nice thing to do, is it? It saved the situation.
It got my master off the hook.
Sir Ralph trusts him.
That's why he brought Lady Agatha round here for His Lordship to look after her.
He's looking after her, all right! - I bet he was grateful to you.
- Grateful? They don't give a damn.
- They take you for granted.
- You're right.
They don't give a damn.
They take you for granted.
I just said that.
So did I.
Well, I don't have to do this job, you know.
Oh, private means, have you? No, I was on the halls.
Cleaning them? No! The boards.
Oh, scrubbing them? No, I used to do a variety act.
- What did you do? - Have you heard of the Texas Kid? No.
- Well, I was him.
- So what did you do? I used to tell jokes and throw knives.
Here.
I'll show you.
Come over here.
Come on.
Now, stand still.
Yes, these should do.
What are you going to do? Now.
.
Don't move.
Stop waving about.
Are you sure you're good at doing this? I used to do it twice nightly and matinéeson a Wednesday and Saturday.
But today's Thursday! Couldn't we use a melon? Look, whatever you do, don't flinch.
Roll on the drumsone! Don't worry, I'll get it a bit nearer this time.
Roll on the drums, two! Roll on the drums, three! Those politicians are throwing things back! Thank you, James.
That was a very nice lunch.
Please compliment Mrs Lipton for me.
I've instructed Henry to bring your luggage down when you're ready to leave.
- Thank you.
- That'll be all, James.
Very good, sir.
I hate to see you leave this place.
- When can we get together again? - I really don't know, George.
- It's so difficult.
- (Telephone ) Excuse me.
- Meldrum.
- Hello, Meldrum.
Hello It's Ralph! - How did the shooting go? - Excellent.
Shot the lot.
That's why I'm back a bit early.
Is Agatha with you? She's lying down.
Upstairs! I expect she's tired out.
Don't disturb her.
Tell her not to bother to come back today.
Tomorrow morning will do.
Goodbye.
- He says don't come back till tomorrow.
- Oh, George! - Oh, Agatha! - Oh! - Watch it - Beg your pardon, sir.
Lady Agatha not dining with you tonight, sir? What's it it look like? No, she is not dining with me tonight.
- Out on the town, is she? (Sniggers ) - Don't be so familiar.
You know perfectly well she is staying with Lord Meldrum.
Oh, sorry I spoke, sir.
- Are you sucking peppermints? - Yes, sir, I am very partial to them.
Partial to them, my backside.
You've been drinking again.
Haven't you? (Slurs ) What on earth gives you that impression? You reek of whisky and you're staggering.
I have to have a nip or two from time to time just to open up my arteries.
- I'll open up your arteries for you! - Restrain yourself.
I've restrained myself long enough.
You're sacked! Really? You wish to dispense with my services? Pack your bags and get out.
Oh, sacked, am I? Then let me tell you a thing or two, Sir Ralph Shawcross.
It may interest you to know that your friend, Lord Meldrum, is having an affair with your wife.
- It's been going on for ages.
- How dare you suggest such a thing? You know perfectly well he was wounded in the war in a certain place.
- He can't well - Poppycock! According to what I've heard, Lord Meldrum's wedding tackle is in tip-top condition.
- What? - You, Sir Ralph, have been cuckolded.
- I don't believe it.
- It's true.
I got it from Lord Meldrum's butler's own lips.
He was the one that made up the whole story to protect his master.
I'll kill him! I'll kill my wife as well! The harlot! My mistress is not a harlot.
Your mistress? Don't tell me she's having an affair with you as well.
Certainly not! I'm a man of honour.
Get out! I trust you'll provide me with a satisfactory reference.
Get out! Oh, my darling Agatha.
How can you treat me like this? I do love you so much.
I'll kill myself! No, I won't .
I'll kill Meldrum.
I'm damned if I'm going to swing for him.
I must make it look like an accident.
Well, I'll be off now, then.
Those cellar steps seem to get steeper every day.
Don't you think you had enough last night? Yes, you've had a terrible headache all day, Mr Stokes.
It's the weather, the thunderstorm.
Well, I'd better go.
I don't want to ruin this lovely hat you gave me, Mrs Lipton.
The water might stretch the moth holes.
- Good night, all.
- Good night, Mabel.
And I'm away to my bed.
- Good night, everyone.
- Good night, Mrs Lipton.
You'd better go, Henry.
You were yawning all through supper.
The conversation was very boring.
Upstairs! - Good night.
- Good night, Henry.
- His Lordship went to bed early tonight.
- It's his last hours of bliss.
He didn't even bother to ruffle his bedclothes last night.
Blatant! - I thought he slept in the armchair.
- Don't be naive, Ivy.
(Screams ) There's a horrible face at the window.
It's only old Selfridge.
Let him in, James.
- I expect he'll be drunk as usual.
- You'd better hide that bottle.
You know what he's like.
Let me in! Let me in! - You must warn His Lordship at once.
- What are you babbling about? - You're drunk! - I've never been more sober in all my life.
Come in, Mr Selfridge.
Take no notice of him.
Have a drink.
- I've been sacked.
- I'm not surprised.
- Your master's been very tolerant.
- What happened? I only spilled a little drop of soup, but he smelled peppermint and sacked me.
Were they those Curiously Strong Peppermints? No, they're tiny ones in a tin.
Anyway, I lose my temper and told him you'd invented the story about Lord Meldrum's war wounds, Mr Stokes.
- How did you know that? - You told me last night.
You see what your drunken ravings have done? - Never mind.
You'll get another job.
- That's not the end of it.
Sir Ralph got roaring drunk and sacked all the rest of the staff as well.
When I went back to get my money, I heard him through the door shouting he was going to kill Lord Meldrum and make it look like an accident.
- That's the booze talking! He'll forget it.
- You don't know Sir Ralph.
Ha! When we were in Singapore, a young army officer took a fancy to Lady Agatha.
His body was found in the mangrove swamps, battered to death with a pineapple.
- Pineapple? - Pineapple.
Were they rings or chunks? A real pineapple.
Mind you, nothing was ever proved.
Why? Didn't he leave any fingerprints? You don't get fingerprints on a pineapple.
Too wrinkly.
Oh, yeah.
We must run up and warn him at once.
I don't think he'll be very pleased at this precise moment.
- Why not? - He'll be asleep in his armchair again.
But his life's in danger.
What are we going to do? There's nothing we can do, Ivy.
We've no proof.
We're only servants.
It would just be a case of what one drunken butler said to another about his drunken master.
It'll all blow over in a few days.
Mark my words.
Tell them to come up now, Stokes.
Very good, m'lord.
Where've you been? Your coffee's cold.
I've been talking to Agatha on the phone.
- She only left half an hour ago.
- I wanted to make sure she got home.
Oh, yes, Daddy, there are a lot of hostile natives between here and Mayfair.
Don't be silly, Cissy.
Sir Ralph has invited us all down to his place in the country.
I bet Agatha put him up to it.
- You can count me out.
- Well, I'm not going, either.
You'll both do as you're told.
I've already accepted.
You only invited us to make it all look respectable.
We all know about those sleeping pills she gives Ralph.
I hope the boards in the bedroom corridors are not too squeaky.
How dare you? I've a good mind to - The staff are all here, m'lord.
- Ah, good.
Come along in.
What's Daddy up to now? Sir Ralph has invited me down to his house in the country for the weekend.
- Will you be going alone, sir? - The whole family is coming.
You too.
He's sacked his staff.
We had heard a rumour to that effect, sir.
Excuse me, m'lord, but will Lady Lavender be coming? - I'd forgotten about her.
- You can't leave her alone in the house.
- We'll take her with us.
- Do you really think you ought to go? It can be very dangerous in the country.
- Be quiet, Ivy.
- What about food supplies, m'lord? Don't worry.
Lady Agatha has everything in hand.
She's good at that sort of thing.
- Right! That will be all.
- Sir.
The country air will put roses in your cheeks, Mrs Lipton.
Oh, yes, sir, I'm sure it will.
What a wonderful staff, go anywhere at a moment's notice, never ask any questions.
It's just as bally well.
His Lordship is walking straight into a trap.
I tried to warn him.
I said it was dangerous but you shut me up.
We've got nothing to go on, Ivy.
Trouble with you is you've never got your nose out of Peg's Paper.
Toffs do not murder toffs.
What about the princes in the Tower? They were smothered by toffs.
- That was history, this is 1927.
- We can't afford to take any chances.
We must watch him all the time, never let him out of our sight.
I've just thought of something, Dad.
If Lord Meldrum is murdered, you'll get the blame.
What are you talking about, Ivy? Well, in those detective stories, it's always the butler that did it.
- You're looking very cheerful.
- Of course I am.
I can get away from Madge for a couple of days.
Ah, Meldrum, my old and dear friend! How wonderful to see you.
Sir Ralph seems very friendly.
Perhaps he's forgiven him.
I wouldn't be too sure, Ivy.
Don't forget that young officer in Singapore.
What, the one they found in the mangrove swamps? Yes.
There aren't any swamps here, are there? - No, Ivy.
- There was a little river down the road.
Get the rest of the cases.
Agatha, darling, how wonderful to see you.
Have you got the pills? - You bet.
- Yoo-hoo! Surprise, Teddy bear! - Oh, my God - Oh, come here! Have you got a medium-sized piece of granite? I'm making a tombstone for my parrot.
I have the hammer and chisel.
Come along, everybody.
Servants' entrance, round the back.
Oh, dear, I can't find a thing in this kitchen.
- Here are the plates.
Warming oven? - Over here, James.
I don't reckon much to his wine, you know.
Still, we're only here for the weekend.
I shan't be able to do the boots in the morning.
I can't find any polish.
Then spit on them, Henry.
I found the cutlery.
It was in the cutlery drawer.
Dad How do you think Sir Ralph will try to kill His Lordship? He's not going to try to kill him, Ivy.
Have you seen his gun room? It's bristling with every sort of weapon.
He could put a tarantula in his bed.
Or like in that Sherlock Holmes story! A puff adder down the bell pull.
He'll most probably try it at night.
You're getting as potty as she is.
We've got to take this seriously.
He might try poison.
- Who put sugar on those strawberries? - Not me.
Henry, come and taste these strawberries! - What? - Taste the strawberries.
We thought they might be poisoned.
Oh, yeah.
Excellent dinner! Your woman's a damn good cook, Meldrum.
Just so long as it's plain food.
She's put us in adjoining rooms.
Isn't Agatha a sport? Bally sporting.
Sir Ralph's butler looks exactly like our butler.
Are they twins? It is our butler, Grandmother.
Ralph's just sharing him for the weekend.
Oh! The slave trade is not what it was.
Ralph's looking very perky.
Have you given him one? I beg your pardon.
A pill! (Mouths ) No.
You like whisky, Meldrum.
I've got a special one.
- Make you sleep well.
- Allow me, sir.
- I can do it.
- Please, sir.
Your servants look after you damn well, Meldrum.
Not like that drunken rogue Selfridge.
I've sacked the lot of them.
You don't know how lucky you are with your staff! That one's better.
- Sir.
- Thank you.
That'll be all, Stokes.
You've worked damned hard tonight.
- Hear, hear.
- Sir.
Now, what are you all going to do with yourselves tomorrow? Fancy a bit of rough shooting, Meldrum? Just you and me together? Or we could go down to the gravel pits, do a bit of fishing.
Some big pike there.
Very deep.
I thought I'd run over and see Buffy Metcalf, have a spot of lunch.
- He only lives ten miles away.
- What car are you going in? - Well, the Rolls, of course.
- Nothing like a Rolls.
Never lets you down.
Your health, Meldrum.
(Sawing metal) He's coming now.
- I hope you enjoy your lunch, m'lord.
- Oh, thank you.
- I said I was going in the Rolls, Stokes.
- I'm so sorry, sir.
I'll get it out.
- No, don't bother.
This will do.
- Very good, sir.
What's the matter? You've followed me ever since I got up.
I just wanted to make sure you've got everything you need.
Thank you.
Well, he'll be safe for a few hours.
I wonder where Sir Ralph is.
- Have you seen Sir Ralph, Henry? - Yes, he's in the snooker room.
I tell you what, he's a funny man.
I saw him in the middle of the night, creeping into the garage with a hacksaw.
- If you ask me, he's potty.
- A hacksaw? The car! We must get after His Lordship at once.
Come on! Come on! - Can't you drive any faster, Dad? - His Lordship is in mortal danger.
You're hysterical.
Sir Ralph was probably doing a bit of fretwork in the garage.
Slow down, you'll hit that tractor! Get out the way, you deaf - There's no brakes.
- Well, try the handbrake.
(Horn ) It's all right, we're coming to a hill.
There you are.
What did I tell you? What more proof do you need? Sorry your friend wasn't at home, Meldrum.
Yes, damn nuisance, driving all that way for nothing.
What are you all doing this afternoon? Oh, Teddy, Cissy, Poppy and I are making up a four for tennis.
Excellent! Meldrum, why don't you take Agatha for a long walk in the woods? I didn't sleep well last night, thought I'd take one of my pills and have a long nap.
- Luncheon is served.
- Where's James, Stokes and Ivy? (Posh voice ) They've gone unto the woods to look for mushrooms, m'lady.
They got lost.
- How do you know? - (Cockney ) Cos they ain't back yet.
The boy's an idiot.
Come on.
- I thought you were going for a sleep.
- Changed my mind.
Fresh air's much better for me.
I thought I'd take a gun out and bag a few rabbits.
- Where are the girls? - Oh, upstairs, changing for tennis.
Have a good game.
Are you sure Ralph's sleeping? I've got an uneasy feeling about him.
Don't be such a fusspot, George.
I left him snoring his head off.
Ah! - Come on! - Slow down.
I'll have an heart attack.
We can't , Dad.
You heard what Mr Teddy said.
Lord Meldrum and Lady Agatha went out for a walk and Sir Ralph's gone into the woods with a gun.
- What's the matter, George? - I don't think I'm in the mood.
I feeluneasy.
I hope you're not going to disappoint me, darling.
God! Oh, no.
Oh! Oh! - Are you all right, Sir Ralph? - I couldn't do it.
- I just couldn't do it.
- Perhaps I'd better take this gun, sir.
I'm ruined.
What's going to become of me? Don't worry.
We're the only ones that know, you can rely on us.
As Mrs Lipton would say, least said, soonest mended.
From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear the same refrain - # In every house, again, again - (Bell) You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round - # The rich are up, the poor are down - (Bell) You rang, m'lord? The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club The Charleston at the Ritz And at the Truc, do the turkey trot They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits Talking flicks are here today And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.