You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s04e05 Episode Script

Fall Of the House Of Meldrum

1 From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear the same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out, on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club The Charleston at the Ritz And at the Troc, do the turkey trot They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits Saucy flappers in cloche hats Natty chappies in white spats The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? That drain's still gurgling.
I done the best I can.
- You need a plumber.
- Plumbers cost money.
I'll put down some boiling water and some soda.
Well, I'll be off, then.
Would you like a cup of cocoa before you go? Ooh, you are kind.
I can't remember the last time I had a nice cup of cocoa.
You worked very hard today.
Now, that's me.
That's James.
That's Henry.
That's Ivy.
Oh, dear, there's only half a teaspoonful here, Mabel.
Never mind, it's bad for your nerves to have it too strong.
Oh, yeah.
I must watch my nerves.
Don't be sarcastic, Mabel.
It's very generous of Mrs Lipton to give you a cup of cocoa.
- Even though it is only half a spoonful.
- Quite right, Mr Twelvetrees.
Half a spoonful is better than no spoonful at all.
You should never look a gift horse in the mouth.
Count your blessings.
That's what you always say, isn't it, Mrs Lipton? Henry, hold your tongue or you'll go to bed with a sore head.
I must be going or I'll be missing my bus.
Could I have my cocoa now? Oh, dear! Oh, there's no milk left.
Well, until tomorrow.
Oh, never mind.
Waste not, want not.
That's what I always say.
Don't worry.
My nerves will hardly know I've had it.
Good night, all.
- I've locked up and they're all in.
- They can't have been very thirsty tonight.
They've left us a nice drop of port.
- His lordship could drink that tomorrow.
- Really, James! Would you have his lordship drink stale port? I was under the impression that port could last for 100 years.
Not with me around.
Come on, Mrs Lipton, it's time you and me were going up the wooden hill to dreamland.
I'm not sure whether you're being rude or not, Henry.
But I'm not going to take any chances.
(All) Good night.
Now, James, would you like a drop of? No.
You wouldn't .
What are we going to do about Sir Ralph? He tried to kill his lordship and only we know.
- Are we going to the police or not? - Oh, Dad, we couldn't do that to Sir Ralph.
He wasn't himself.
He was a slave of passion because he thought his lordship was doing Lady Agatha a mischief.
In the woods.
Behind the bushes.
On the grass.
We gave Sir Ralph to understand we wouldn't say anything.
As far as I'm concerned, that's the end of it.
I don't believe it.
My old army comrade and my own daughter are prepared to let a murderer loose, to wander among civilised people, and you'll do nothing about it? When we got to Sir Ralph, he had already lowered the gun.
He was in tears.
He was a broken man.
Yes, Dad, it was awful to see.
He was so ashamed.
He's doomed to live with that awful moment of remorse for the rest of his life.
I hate you, Meldrum! You ruined my life! You've ruined my wife.
Very nearly.
You ruin everything you touch.
Fornicator! Liar! Cheat! Deceiver.
(Chants ) # May ruin rain upon you! (Chanting and wailing) # I curse you (Chanting) # I curse you (Chanting) # I curse you Ralph, what are you doing? Er Oh, I'm just sticking a few pins in this old doll thing.
I know you didn't want these old hat pins.
I thought I'd stick some in it and throw it all away.
But, Ralph, the candlesthe incense You're trying to curse somebody! Oh, very well, I am.
It's your friend Meldrum.
I hate him.
Oh, Ralph (Coughs ) Surely you didn't take any notice of all that tittle-tattle about George and me.
It's not your fault, darling.
He's the sort that would prey on an innocent girl like you.
Poodlefaker! No! Ralph! You're not well.
Blow the candles out.
Come to bed.
You're all tense.
You need soothing and relaxing.
- You mean? - We'll see, darling.
We'll see.
Gosh, your forehead's all hot and your heart's pounding.
- Oh, Agatha - Not now, darling.
So, what are we all doing with ourselves today? Jerry's asked me to lunch at the Savoy.
Do you realise that for the price of lunch at the Savoy, I could feed a working family for a month? That's only because they eat cheap food like fish and chips and plum duff, and things.
If you ask me, lunch at the Savoy, with all the music and whatnot, is jolly good value.
I haven't been to the Savoy for years.
They won't let me in any more.
Just because I threw a prawn soufflé at Bonar-Law.
Throwing food at politicians worked, Grandma, you got the vote.
Yes But if instead of shooting Archduke Ferdinand, they'd thrown rice pudding at him, there wouldn't have been a war.
- (Telephone ) - What about you, Cissy? I'm meeting Hortense.
We're drawing up a list for the opening ceremony of the birth-control clinic.
- Do you want to come, Daddy? - I don't want to be associated with that.
Don't be such a hypocrite.
It's one of the main products of your rubber company.
Yes, well That is business.
What are you doing to open it? Hitting Marie Stopes over the head with a bottle of champagne? Your Times, sir.
I'm afraid the paper boy was a little late.
I have reprimanded him.
Your Daily Mail, sir.
- Oh, thank you.
- Excuse me, sir.
The telephone.
- Who on earth would phone at this time? - (Whispers ) Lady Agatha.
- What? - (Booms ) Lady Agatha! Give her our love, Daddy.
- Thank you, Stokes.
- Sir.
- Hello, Agatha.
- Hello, darling.
Er Stokes.
Hold on a minute, would you? Stokes, close the door.
That'll be all, Stokes.
- Are you still there? - George, are you all right? - Yes, of course I am.
- Any sharp pains in your stomach? No.
Have you any sharp pains anywhere? I've got a slight ache in my left ear.
He didn't stick it there.
- I beg your pardon.
- Well I was just going to bed and I went in the room and there was Ralph, in his pyjamas, and what do you think he was doing? I've no idea! Do you know that fellow, Frederick T Fish, the American George brought to dinner? Yes, terrible fellow.
Arrived in a dinner jacket and a straw hat.
And talked about money all night.
He won't be talking about it much more.
He's gone bust.
"In New York yesterday, the financier Frederick T Fish "was indicted for fraud.
"On Wall Street, the values of the shares in his Star-Spangled Finance Corporation "plummeted from two dollars to two cents.
" - Serves him right.
- The Americans are very strange people.
Their police break bottles of booze with sledgehammers.
That's because they have prohibition.
Well, if they go on like that, they won't have any gin.
I've never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life.
- The man is mad.
- I think he's trying to put a curse on you.
Don't give it another thought.
- (Ralph) Agatha! Where are you? - Oh, dear, he's coming back.
Goodbye! George, do you remember your awful friend, Frederick T Fish? - Wore a straw hat with his dinner jacket.
- Read that.
- Remember him, James? - Yes, Miss Poppy.
James had difficulty removing chewing gum from under the dining-room table.
- Good God! - What's the matter, Daddy? Good heavens above! Would you leave us for a moment, Stokes? Certainly, sir.
This is very serious.
He handled all our American investments.
You mean the loot from the slave trade.
- Don't be silly, Lavender.
- How much have we lost? - A lot of money.
- How much? 50,000? 100? Much, much more.
You are the limit, Daddy.
We trust you with all our money and you go and lose it! The little cat! - Ivy, come away from that door! - I never did like that Yank.
Neither did I.
When I took his overcoat off, I could feel a big lump under his arm.
He said it was a gnat.
A gat! It was his gun! I wonder how much his lordship has lost.
Whatever it was, there's plenty more where that came from.
(Concerned chatter) Ooh! - You are cuddly.
- You gave me a fright.
Why have you got your head stuck in the lift? It's his lordship.
His corporation's plummeted.
Very nasty.
Is the kettle on? I've just made the tea.
Before you pour it, I want to sort out a few understandings.
Now, I know you and me had an understanding and you also had an understanding with Mr Stokes.
Well, I want to know if our understanding is still standing.
- What do you mean? - Well, I'm due to retire in a few months.
I've got me eye on a little property in Littlehampton.
It's got a good kitchen, nice range, plenty of herbs in the garden.
I want to know if you see your future there.
As a cook? As Mrs Wilson.
Oh Oh Well You're asking, aren't you? - That's another kettle of fish.
- There's a fish market on the jetty.
- I'll have to think about it.
- Yes, you think about it, Blanche.
A butcher round the corner makes his own sausages.
No preservatives.
It sounds to me as though you want me just to do the cooking.
I, er I am a woman, Constable Wilson.
I know that, and your needs will be catered for.
We shan't be eating all the time.
Well, I'll have to think about it.
Well, don't think too long.
News of my retirement is getting around and, well I've become the target of a lot of feminine attention.
After all, a pension of £2 12s 6d a week is not to be sneezed at.
There'll be no margarine on our butter dish.
I've had my hand down that drain right up to the elbow and I've released it.
I had to hold on to her legs in case she got sucked down.
His lordship has just rushed off in his car in a panic.
He's gone to the factory.
Some trouble there.
At the Union Jack Rubber Company? Are you getting everything you want? Just having a cup of tea.
I don't want any cherry cake.
You should have seen the breakfast she gave me at No.
- What? - Not as good as yours, Mrs Lipton.
I should think not.
Miss Poppy's just run upstairs crying.
She's a selfish little thing.
His lordship's lost all that money and all she could do was blame him for not looking after it properly.
Is that the American finance corporation? They've lost a bit at No.
14 as well.
Miss Cissy didn't care.
She said they were all capitalist bloaters.
Bloated capitalists.
Where are you off to? His lordship has an urgent letter for his banker in Threadneedle St.
I expect he wants him to go to the vaults and open up another case of pound notes.
It's all very well for you to joke.
His lordship is upset.
Yes, I expect he had to work hard for that money.
What are you talking about? His sort never soil their hands.
He had to use his brains.
If he had any brains, he wouldn't have put it in that corporation.
Go on, Mrs Lipton, give us a cup of tea.
It's his lordship's funeral, not ours.
Anything that affects his lordship's welfare affects me.
It really is very serious, my lord.
The latest batch of rubber is behaving in a most peculiar fashion.
I'd go back to using some of the old stock but when that's gone, I don't know what I'm going to do.
- (Knocking) - Ah! Come in, Mr Barnes.
I've asked the foreman to bring an example of what I've been talking about.
Come in, Mr Barnes, sit down.
Well, it's like this, your lordship.
I have been in rubber for 35 years.
I've never had a to-do like this before.
It's all his fault.
He's driving the workers too hard.
Don't start, Jock! You see, it's not the workers that's at fault.
The substance is substandard.
Now, just take a look at this.
This is one of the originals from our threepenny range of rubber balls.
Now, this has a reputation for bounce which is secondto none.
Thank you, your lordship.
And now take a look at this.
From the new batch.
There is a distinct lack of resilience there, your lordship.
Where is the rebound, or as we say in the trade, the bounce-back? And look at these surgical gloves.
There's no elasticity.
You put your hand in.
It just goes into wee holes.
Some of them not so wee.
If that happened to some of our other surgical goods, we'd be in a right pickle.
- They'd sue you for paternity.
- Has any of it gone out to the public? Oh, no, your lordship.
Thanks to Jock here in thetesting department.
Oh, aye.
You spotted it straightaway, didn't you, Jock? Aye, I did that.
Now, sir, just take a look at this elastic.
See? It don't come back, do it? Now, we sell miles and miles of this stuff.
Ladies' elastic garters and suspenders.
Intimate objects.
Well, it's not up to the job, is it? I mean, things are dropping all over the place.
I do understand.
I have sent a cablegram to our estate in Bukit Timah, your lordship.
- When was that? - Three days ago, but as yet, no reply.
Well, as I say, I have been in rubber for 35 years.
I don't want to alarm you, your lordship, but it looks to me like the work of the Bango Khan.
The Bango Khan.
You really thinkit could be the Bango Khan? Yes, well, I wouldn't swear to it but it's a possibility.
What is the Bango Khan? Oh, I'm sorry, your lordship.
It's a beetle.
It's a little devil about this big.
It makes its way under the bark, you see, and when it's there, it lays lots of little eggs, and when they hatch out, the little babies, they suck all the stretch out of the rubber.
We had a batch when I was apprentice to the Reliable Elastic Company.
It put them out of business.
- What are we going to do? - Well, they can spray the trees, of course.
But they're tough little devils.
Thick-skinned, you know.
It'll be a couple of years before it will ooze through our extruder like something you would be proud of.
Well, we must look on the bright side.
Perhaps it isn't thiswhat-you-said beetle.
When did you send off that cablegram? At least three days ago, your lordship.
- They should have answered by now.
- Oh! Silly me.
Yesterday teatime, when you were out of the office, Mr Foster, the telegram boy came with this.
I popped it in me hat so I wouldn't forget it.
And I forgot it.
Bango Khan beetle confirmed.
Whole estate affected.
Entire crop condemned.
Don't put too much jam in, Ivy.
It'll boil over the side and burn.
- Then nobody'll eat them.
- I'll eat them.
I'm not fussy.
- I can't afford to be.
- (Telephone ) Answer that, Ivy.
Mr Stokes has gone up to his room.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Hello? Lord Meldrum's residence.
Yes, we do have a James Twelvetrees living here, but he's not here now.
What? Oh, no! Well, is it serious? Oh, thank goodness.
Yes, yes.
Right away, thank you.
- What's up, Ivy? - That was the St George's Hospital.
That was the St George's Hospital.
Mr Twelvetrees was knocked down .
Oh, goodness me! If it isn't one thing, it's another.
It's not serious, they say.
They're keeping him in for a night.
Typical James.
He never looks where he's going.
They asked me to pack some night-things.
You better come with me, Mr Stokes.
I don't know what men wear at night.
Come on.
My cousin was run down by a coal cart.
He was injured something horrible.
I thought horses never trod on humans.
It wasn't the horse, it was the cart.
Three tons of Derby Bright went right over him.
Never been the same since.
A spongebag.
Get his shaving kit off the washstand.
Right, Dad.
- I don't believe it.
- What have you got, Dad? - His Post Office book.
- (Gasps ) You shouldn't look at it.
It's private! I always knew he were a skinflint.
£227 17 s 9d.
£227?! Oh, we could buy a lovely little house with that.
I asked him to lend me five bob last week.
He looked as if I'd uttered an obscenity.
What are you going to do? From now on, I'm going to be very nice to him.
If Ivy's not back from the hospital for lunch, Henry, you'll have to take over.
It's very simple.
It's shepherd's pie.
You just spoon it onto the plates.
I think I can manage that.
A spoon isn't very technical.
Oh, Mr Twelvetrees! Are you all right? Why is your carpet-beater down the drain? He's all right! We thought that they were keeping you in.
Oh, you're back, Mr Twelvetrees.
I was just off to the hospital with your pyjamas.
You poor chap.
Come and sit down.
I'll get you a drop of brandy.
Don't worry.
I'll tell his lordship.
I know your principles.
- Just a drop.
- Henry, get the brandy.
Two glasses.
Whatever happened, Mr Twelvetrees? Crossing Chancery Lane, I saw this coal cart coming towards me.
- The horse had bolted.
- Was it carrying Derby Bright? - I've no idea.
- There was an elderly lady in the path.
I pulled her out of the way.
Doing so, I stepped into the path of a bicycle.
I was knocked to the ground, my head struck the kerb.
- Was the old lady all right? - Yes, I think so.
- Did you damage the kerb? - Anyway, it's all over now.
You poor chap! If you want to go to bed, I'll take over your duties.
Oh, that is kind of you, Mr Stokes - I'm all right.
- Good.
I'll tell you what, I'll take your case upstairs and unpack it.
This is terribly serious.
We've only enough of the stuff to last three more days.
You can get raw rubber from somewhere else.
The news has got round the rubber market.
They're quoting me a ridiculous figure.
We couldn't possibly operate.
It's a rotten thing to do.
They must be absolute bounders.
They are.
This is business, Teddy.
If we go down, they'll just about get a monopoly.
It's damn serious, I can tell you.
With the bottom falling out of our American interests, we could be nearly ruined.
- Can Grandma help? - Hardly.
Her money is in the same thing.
This is jolly careless of you, George.
We leave all the business to you.
You go and make a bally mess of it.
- I didn't put the damn beetle in the rubber.
- What's going to happen to us? I suppose it'll sort itself out in a couple of years.
Meanwhile, we'll have to close down the factory and draw in our horns.
That's absurd.
I'm going to my dressmaker tomorrow to order my winter wardrobe.
You are a selfish little cat.
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself? If Daddy closes the factory, over 100 people will lose their jobs.
It's an extraordinary thing.
We all came down to breakfast.
Everything was hunky-dory.
Then Agatha phones, the papers arrive, and it's one disaster after another.
Why are we the only ones affected by the beetle? Yes, it is extraordinary.
(Agatha ) Ralph's put a curse on you, George.
(Echoing) put a curse on you, George curse on you (Yells) - I feel terrible.
- I'll ring for Stokes.
- Stokes! James! Quickly, Daddy's ill! - I'll get the brandy.
Loosen his collar.
I'll telephone the doctor.
Is it your heart, Daddy? My heart's up here.
The pain's down there.
- Flightman 2428, please.
- There it goes again.
It's as though someone was sticking a knife into me.
- What is the trouble, sir? - It's my stomach.
Take his lordship to his bedroom.
I'm trying to get through to the doctor.
Get upstairs and turn his lordship's bed down.
I haven't had time to make up his room yet.
Then put him in Mr Teddy's room.
Are you all right, sir? Can you manage? Come on, we'll help you.
The doctor's on his way.
- How is he? - He didn't eat much.
What a pity.
Scrambled eggs never hurt anyone.
He's left a great plateful.
- Looks ever so nice.
- Put it in the dustbin, Ivy.
- It might have microbes on it.
- Oh, I don't mind.
- I'm used to 'em.
- Can't take any chances.
The doctor said he'd be up in a few days.
He couldn't understand it.
He said he thought it was fish poisoning but he hasn't had any fish.
Ooh, it's all very strange.
No, it isn't .
Mr Stokes said that I wasn't to breathe a word to anyone.
But he said when he put his lordship to bed, his lordship said that Sir Ralph cursed him.
(Gasps ) You mean he swore at him? Oh, Ivy, no, cursed him.
Cast an evil spell on him.
Oh, gypsies do that when you don't buy any clothes pegs.
And don't forget.
James was knocked down this morning by a bicycle.
- It's a curse on the house of Meldrum.
- Oh, don't say that! Why would it harm us? We only work here.
We haven't done anything.
Yeah, but we're all here.
We're affected by the fluence.
- The aura.
- Oh, be quiet, Mabel.
- You're giving me the shivers.
- Well, it's not right.
I'm three weeks behind with my rent, my old man is flat on his back and can't do a hand's turn.
And now I'm cursed! Can I have a drop of brandy, Mrs Lipton, to get over it? - No, you could not.
- Oh, well I better go and get Lady Lavender ready for bed.
(Yelling) - Henry, are you all right? - The stair carpet's come loose.
I could've hurt myself.
I did.
Mrs Lipton, that curse on the house of Meldrum's spreading.
It's got to the bottom of our stairs.
His lordship wasn't making any sense this afternoon.
He's lost a lot of money.
It's very worrying for him.
I'm wondering in the long run how it's going to affect us.
- What do you mean? - He might need to economise, cut down on the staff.
Huh! Doesn't bother me.
I'll go back to the halls and you're all right.
You're a man of means.
- What are you talking about? - Well When I was packing your suitcase, I saw your Post Office book.
You looked at my Post Office book? It fell open.
I couldn't help seeing it.
I only glanced.
£227 17 s 9d.
So that's why you were so nice to me when I came back from the hospital.
Next you'll be suggesting I go into some mad-brained scheme with you.
It needn't be mad.
Don't walk away when I'm talking to you.
Here you are, Lady Lavender.
Your good-night gin and tonic.
I'm sorry, Lady Lavender, I'll get you another one.
Make it a bit stronger.
Oh! What is the matter with you tonight, Ethel? Oh, dear.
Erm Well, erm - I'm a bit worried.
- You mean about Lord Meldrum? Well, if he will have affairs with other people's wives, he must expect to have a curse put on him.
Oh, you know about it? Oh, yes.
It used to happen in the ladies' luncheon club in Mombasa.
We got rid of quite a lot of unfaithful husbands in that way.
- What'll happen to Lord Meldrum? - Oh, he'll die, of course.
- What? - It's purely psychological.
He thinks he's been cursed.
The best thing to do would be to get someone to exorcise him then he'd think he'd been uncursed.
Well, couldn't the doctor exercise him? Oh, no, the bishop would be your best bet.
The bishop? Oh, but he's getting on a bit.
- Could he still do that sort of thing? - Oh, yes, they all do it.
- You'd better go and see him.
- I can't go walking into the bishop's palace.
I'm only a servant.
I don't think you realise how serious this is.
I'll write you out a note.
He'll see you if I ask him.
Give me my writing things.
Good night, then.
Mrs Lipton, Lady Lavender says I've got to go and see the bishop about that curse.
- Do you think I should? - Oh, yes, of course, Ivy.
If one of them upstairs says you've got to do something, you must do it.
You go off first thing in the morning.
Yes? I'm Ivy Teasdale.
I've got a note from Lady Lavender Southwick that says I've got to see the bishop.
Come in.
Will you be seated? I will summon the bishop's chamberlain.
Oh! What a lovely chair! - Oh, what lovely little angels! - They are cherubs.
- Miss Ivy Teasdale? - Yes.
- You work for Lord Meldrum? - Yes, I do.
Come this way.
When the bishop rings the bell, you may enter.
Thank you.
- Miss Ivy Teasdale, m'lord.
- Ah, Ivy, come in.
Do sit down.
- Lady Lavender sent me.
- Yes, so I see.
She said I was to ask you to come at once and give Lord Meldrum some exercises.
Exercises? I hardly think I'm the right person.
That's what I thought, but Lady Lavender said you were very good at that sort of thing.
I don't take enough exercise myself.
My doctor is very anxious that I should lose weight.
But why does Lord Meldrum need all this exercise? To get rid of the spell.
He's been cursed.
Oh, I see.
Would you say that Lord Meldrum is possessed? - You what? - How is he behaving? Is he suffering, for instance, from poltergeist phenomena? The doctor said it was like fish poisoning.
I have heard of cases like that.
But Lord Meldrum is such a nice man.
Who would do such a thing in this day and age? Who would curse him? Well, it's Sir Ralph.
He's ever so jealous.
Oh, please come.
Lord Meldrum is in agony.
He wouldn't even eat Mrs Lipton's scrambled egg.
Robin will take us in his motor.
- I must see Lord Meldrum at once.
- Of course, m'lord.
Robin, have you got the holy water and things? Yes, m'lord.
Ivy, how dare you use the front door? Go downstairs at once.
Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
- M'lord, where are you going? - It's all right.
I know where to find Lord Meldrum's room.
Come, Robin, let us engage the forces of evil.
Hello, Charles.
What brings you here? I was just going upstairs to exorcise you.
Are you all right? I'm fine.
I just had a touch of food poisoning and let my imagination run riot.
- I made a bit of a fool of myself.
- Oh, how disappointing! I was so looking forward to wrestling with the devil.
I do dislike him so.
Some other time, perhaps.
Come and have a glass of sherry.
- Where've you been, Ivy? - Mr Twelvetrees is ever so cross with me.
Ivy, I would like an explanation of your conduct.
Why did you leave the house on a wild-goose chase without permission? That's not quite right, James.
I said she could go.
Lady Lavender said she should get the bishop.
- The whole thing's absurd.
- Oh, come on, James! You saw him rolling about, saying he'd been cursed.
Ivy was just trying to uncurse him.
Any decent human being would do it.
Especially if they're a bit simple.
Now, calm down, everyone, and let's have a nice cup of tea.
It's all ready.
I'm sorry, Ivy.
I'm just overwrought with all this uncertainty and tension we're under.
- With all this bad news.
- It doesn't matter, Mr Twelvetrees.
- I quite understand.
- Morning, all.
Oh, come in, Constable.
Just pouring.
Hey, there's a right to-do at No.
14 over that American business.
Phew! They've lost a fortune.
The footmen and the boots, they've been given notice.
- What about the char? - She has to do the bootboys' work as well! I'll tell you.
His lordship has asked me to enquire discreetly about selling the Rolls Royce.
- Never! - Miss Poppy was in tears after breakfast.
His lordship has closed her account at Marshall & Snelgrove.
Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink.
What's that got to do with it? I just thought I'd say it before you did.
I wasn't going to say it.
Oh, his lordship won't sack us.
Who'd do the work? I can't see those girls rolling their sleeves up.
A very bad time to be unemployed.
There are three million on the dole already.
Yeah, a pal of mine I was in the army with, he's been out of work for two years.
I saw him this morning, standing there with his medals.
Selling matches in the rain.
I bought a box.
They didn't strike.
What about all them Welsh miners singing in the streets? If you've got a roof over your head and enough to eat, you should count your blessings.
Well, I got a roof over my head.
Trouble is, I haven't got nothing to eat.
His lordship's got a heart of gold.
He won't get rid of us.
Oh, I hope not.
I like it here.
We know where we are and they look after us.
Ivy's quite right.
His lordship is a good employer.
Whatever happens, we can rely on him to do right.
Good morning.
I don't think we've seen you down here before, m'lord.
Good morning, m'lord.
They very kindly gave me a cup of tea.
- There's no trouble anywhere? - No, no, no.
I'm sorry to disturb you all.
Stokes, it would be a good idea if I took a look at the cellar.
The cellar, sir? I won't be buying anything for a while.
I'd like to see how much wine I've got.
What a good idea, sir.
(Laughs nervously) Unfortunately, I've just discovered dry rot in the stairs.
It's dangerous down there.
I wouldn't risk it.
- Well, how do you bring the wine up? - I send Henry down.
He's much lighter.
I'll bring up the cellar book to show you.
Well done.
Very good indeed.
Oh, while I'm down here, I might as well kill two birds with one stone.
I've had a couple of bad setbacks in business.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to close down the Union Jack Rubber Company.
Oh, no, sir! After all these years? I'm afraid so.
I've got to make a lot of economies.
I know none of you would like me to give anyone the sack.
Oh, no, sir.
I've thought of a way of saving one set of wages without any of you going.
Oh, that's clever, isn't it? Yes.
If we all take a 16 per cent wage cut, that'll do the trick.
Are we agreed? Good.
Thank you.
Oh, thank goodness.
Oh, we can all stay.
I knew we could rely on his lordship to do the right thing.
Do the right thing? Don't you realise he's docking our wages like they did with the miners? But none of us is going.
We're all secure.
That's right.
We can all stay together.
Excuse me.
I'd like to ask a question.
How much is 16 and a half per cent of threepence an hour? Agatha, listen to this.
Collapse of the Union Jack Rubber Company.
Factory to close.
It's worked! It's worked! If Bernard Shaw won't open it, try HG Wells.
Or failing him, what about one of the Sitwells? Try anybody! As long as they're socialist and atheist, they're bound to agree.
All right, goodbye.
Love to Hortense.
I say, Cissy, a thought has just struck me.
George threatened to send me to Malaya if I don't marry Madge.
But now this rubber thing has gone up the spout, he can't send me.
I'm free! I can marry who I like.
Oh, yes, Mayfair 2000.
But, Uncle Teddy, what about poor Madge? What about that lovely car she gave you? - You'll have to give it back.
- I don't care.
I'll take a bus or one of those tram things.
- You don't have any money.
- In that case, I'll get a job.
- Uncle Teddy - Something will turn up.
- Hello, Madge? - Is that my Teddy-weddy-bear? Yes, Madge, this is your Teddy-weddy-bear.
My Teddy-weddy-bear doesn't usually ring me up on the telephone.
What has Teddy-weddy-bear got to say to little (Shrilly) Madgie-wadgie? Teddy-weddy-bear has got this to say to little Madgie-wadgie.
(Raspberry ) - Mr Jerry, Miss Poppy.
- Hello, Poppy! - Aren't you ready? - Ready for what? To go shopping.
I'm taking you.
- Don't you remember? - Yes.
- Can't go.
- Can't go? Why? Daddy's closed all my accounts.
He says we've all got to economise.
Especially me.
Was it this American thing? - Yes, I think so.
- My family got out some time ago.
Bully for you.
Look, old girl I hate to see you upset.
I've been potty about you since I can't remember when.
Why don't you say the wordand I'll look after you? For the rest of your life.
- Is that a proposal, Jerry? - Yes.
- The fifth, actually.
- Oh, Jerry.
Good old faithful Jerry.
All right.
- (Whispers ) All right? - All right! I'll marry you.
Oh! Oh, Poppy! Oh, Poppy, you're marvellous! Don't paw me, Jerry.
You know I hate you slobbering all over me.
Sorry, darling.
I justwant you so badly.
- Well, you'll just have to wait.
- Sorry, old girl.
Look, can I use your telephone? I must tell Mother the good news.
- Yes, go ahead.
- She's rather worried about me.
Excuse me, Miss Poppy.
Shall I arrange for some tea for you and Mr Jerry? No, we'll have champagne.
I've just said I'll marry him.
I see.
Congratulations, Miss Poppy.
I'm sorry, James.
I know I've led you on a bit.
I've been rather naughty.
Are you a bit jealous? I think you are both admirably suited to each other.
I'm sure you'll be very happy.
(Bell ringing) Is Mr Teddy ready? Rose, how dare you use the front door? Mr Teddy said I could.
That's all right, James.
Come in, Rose.
Oh, Mr Teddy! You're not going to wear your straw hat with your dinner jacket, sir? - Yes, I bally well am.
- Oh, you look wonderful.
Just like Maurice Chevalier.
(Laughs ) (French accent) Do not wait up for me, James.
Haw, haw, haw.
# Every little breeze seems to whisper " Louise" # Birds in the trees whisper " Louise" - (Rose laughs ) - # Can it be true? # - That's the last of the family gone.
- Rose will have a lovely time.
- Yes, indeed.
- It's like they've all gone out to celebrate.
Yes, there doesn't seem to be much economising going on.
- Well, I expect they'll start tomorrow.
- I hope so.
I fear 16 per cent of our wages may only be the beginning.
I fear the situation may be more serious than we realised.
Ohdo you really think that, Mr Twelvetrees? We should all be considering our future, Ivy.
Yes, I suppose so.
Speaking for myself, I have been making plans.
Have you really, Mr Twelvetrees? - What sort of plans? - Shh, listen.
This is lovely.
Get to the point, Alf.
What's this plan of yours? Well, look, if your factory closes down, you'll be out of work.
Sooner or later, we'll all be out of work.
The factory's well insured.
Why don't we burn it down? If the factory's burned down, there'll be nowhere to work anyway.
He's right, you know.
You've got to think these things through, Jock.
No, Jock's got the right idea but the wrong factory.
What's the name of that outfit that's stopping us from getting the raw materials? That'll be the Acme Rubber & Latex Company.
We'll burn them down.
They'll have no use for their rubber so we'll have it all.
That's settled, then! Now, we need firelighters and matches.
Come on! Wait! Wait a minute! Don't rush into things, Jock.
Arson is quite a serious business.
We can't just round around burning down factories.
- I suppose not.
- I suggest you go look at the Acme factory.
You know, like, spy out the land.
It's my evening off Wednesday and we'll meet in the Red Lion and you two report back.
Report back That's good.
Then we get the firelighters! - Agreed.
- Agreed.
What are we going to do? Dad's going to burn the factory down.
We've got to stop him! Calm down, Ivy.
Your father always has mad schemes that never amount to anything.
They'll all go to the Red Lion, all talk about it, and as usual, get drunk.
They'll still be talking about it in a year's time.
What's going to become of us all? Now, now, don't cry, Ivy.
You're a good girl.
You're a hard worker.
You'll be all right.
Oh, do you think so, Mr Twelvetrees? Yes, you get off to bed, Ivy.
I'll wait up.
Thank you, Mr Twelvetrees.
Good night, Ivy.
Be up good and sharp tomorrow.
Can't afford to let our standards drop.
No, Mr Twelvetrees.
Good night, then.
It's me, Ivy.
What a terrible day it's been.
I suppose you've been putting us all to the test.
I never did like exams.
I'm glad Miss Poppy is going to marry Mr Jerry.
Perhaps now she'll leave James alone.
Did you see the way he put his arm round me? It was lovely.
I wonder what his plans are.
Oh, I hope he's not going to leave.
I couldn't stay here without him.
Oh, and just in case me dad tries to burn the factory down, do you think you could make it rain? Very hard.
Good night.
Good night, Dorothy.
From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear the same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club The Charleston at the Ritz And at the Troc, do the turkey trot They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits Talking flicks are here today And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.