Young Drunk Punk (2015) s01e01 Episode Script


1 Oh, Mama, I'm in fear for my life From the long arm of the law Lawman has put an end to my running And I'm so far From my home Ian Oh, Mama, I can hear your crying You're so scared and all alone Look at all these sheep, doing whatever society - tells them to do.
- Indeed they are sheep.
Baa! Baa! It'll be good to get away from them and start living our amazing lives.
Yeah, OK Ow! - Losers! - Wait, wait, wait! Remember, the world wasn't run by people who were popular in high school.
- This I know.
- So then our future must be very bright indeed.
Anyway, we got bigger fish to fry.
Nope, my friend, today we are not frying fish.
We're going to fry some brains.
The jig is up, the news is out They've finally found me Hey, Melissa, sorry to tell you but you're needed in the office, like, now.
- But I was just about to - Apparently there was, like, a hot tub emergency.
Your parents were hurt pretty bad, it kind of exploded.
Time to do it! How about a hand for Into Thin Air? Our own air guitar orchestra.
Before we hand out your diplomas, I'd like to bring up your valedictorian, Melissa Saunders! What? Guys What are you Ugh, no Uh, Melissa couldn't be here this morning, uh, there was a hot tub emergency, so she asked me to speak for her.
I'm Ian Mackay, this is Shinky, of course.
You know us pretty well.
Or not.
But what you probably didn't know about us is that we're musical geniuses.
It's almost like we're from the future.
Yeah, and we're here to play a brand new record for you that I think says a lot about society and our own uniqueness and such.
Why are we here? - To get our diplomas? - Yes! No, no, no! That's what they want you to think.
What is a diploma? Paper fades.
Music is forever.
I don't know what to do with my life Should I give it up and make a new start I don't know what to do with my life 'Cause the one I've got just tears me apart I can't wake up Guys! No, no, boys, stop! Uh - Play something! - Uh, we're an air guitar band.
Alright guys, let's do it.
- What are you doing? - Tuning up.
No, no, no, Officer, there's no need to press charges yet.
Oh, thank you very much for protecting our streets against bad people.
That was the police.
The light wasn't on.
You weren't on the phone with the cops.
Well, no, I wasn't, but that was a re-enactment from earlier on, when I did speak to the police.
I thought that it would be more effective.
Thought control.
- Why do you two always pull these pranks? - It wasn't a prank, - it was a protest against obviousness.
- Then obviously - you haven't graduated.
- What? Your grades are on the edge of failure.
Aren't we all on the edge of failure? Well, you certainly are.
And the only way that you're going to graduate is with a letter of recommendation from me.
- That's not fair! - Why do you hate us? No, I like you two! Mr.
Mouth and Mr.
Fist! I mean, Ian, why do you seem so content to talk and do nothing? And Shinky, why do you always start these fights? Wait, wait, wait, are you under the impression that a fight begins when somebody throws a punch? No, sir, I'm sorry.
It begins way before that.
I never start a fight.
Yeah, he never starts a fight, but sometimes - he is forced to throw the first punch.
- Exactly.
What are your plans for the future? Look, I don't know what I want to be, I just know - what I don't want to be.
- If we avoid plans altogether, then our great destinies will be visited upon us.
Right! I guess you could say our plans are to have no plans.
In that case, I'm going to withhold your diploma until you can tell me what you want to do with your life.
- What? - Oh! - There he is! - Hey, hey, hey! - Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
- Beat it, Shinky, it's a family thing.
- Why can't he stay? - Your mom doesn't like him.
Oh, no, I never said that.
OK, let me rephrase that: because I don't like him.
- Bye, Mrs.
- Go home, Shinky.
Eat some food I didn't pay for.
Congratulations! That's your grandmother.
Hi, Grandma.
Yay, Ian! Yay! Mom, stop clapping.
Mom! - Can it, Mom! - Oh, so proud Thank you.
I worked a lot of hours at Woolco for that I sold a lot of wigs.
It's $200.
Wow, Mom.
- Thanks! - So, - let's see that diploma.
- Where is she? Yeah, um There's a little problem with that, I I don't have it on me.
- What? - What does that mean? Yeah, because I'm getting it framed.
- At Woolco? - Yeah! Yeah.
Ian, that is so thoughtful.
Well done.
Well done.
So you graduated high school, huh? Never thought I'd see the day.
You know, I never graduated high school.
- Yeah, we all know that, Dad.
- Yet I'm still doing OK.
Who am I kidding? I'm doing fantastic.
Look at it.
All of this is mine.
Hey, Spud.
Stop raking leaves, do a visual.
And then report back here.
If I'm not here, then go back to raking leaves.
- I'm on it.
- He's got a high school diploma.
Ha! Check out the new security system.
Beta it's the future.
- Yeah, it's cool, Dad.
- It is cool.
See that fountain there? I just took away the view.
Who are those people? Hey, you people necking by the fountain! This is a family community! Shoo! Cool abuse of power, Dad.
It is pretty cool.
There's one other thing I'd like to show you.
You're a man now, and it's time you start thinking about these things.
You know, there's worse ways to spend your day, although you might have to start nights, at first.
- Whoa, Dad - Must be Spud's locker.
Didn't know he had such specific tastes in women.
I guess it's the next locker over.
You want me to work here? Well, it is an option until something better comes along.
- No, thanks.
- Well, it's an option.
- No, thanks.
- I said I got you the shirt as a gift, - why don't you keep it.
- I'd rather you have it.
- It's a gift! - I don't want it! Keep the shirt or get a damn job! I'll die before I work at Brae Vista.
You know, my parents want me to be a welder.
I'd rather weld my eyes shut! Yeah, well, who cares if we don't have high school diplomas? How hard can it be to get great, easy, well-paying jobs? Not hard.
Dishes go in the water, then you wash the dishes.
Understand? So the dishes go in the water, and then we wash the dishes? Just do it, smart-ass! Ooh! Ooh! Hot! How much did you say we get paid for this again? This is just the interview.
Are you tired of having your hands smell like hamburger? You might need the K-tel Patty Stacker! What's that, you ask? It's a stacker for your patties.
- By K-tel! - It's made of space-age plastic or something.
You put your hamburger on the top of it and then you smush it, - and it's all very scientific.
- What do you say? Hey! Hey! Those are our samples! Rendering? I love to draw, this is gonna be awesome.
Same! I hope they let us draw dragsters, I'm really good at that.
And there are your stations.
Some confusion.
What exactly did you mean by "rendering"? We convert waste animal tissue into stable, value-added materials.
What job did you expect? You don't even have high school diplomas.
Ha ha ha! Oh, hey, Mom.
Is that a new wig? I'm thinking of wearing it to Mr.
Gabaldi's party.
And don't change the subject! What subject? Come on! I had egg all over my face today, and do you want to know why? - I don't even know the subject.
- Is it egg? Or eggs? As I was leaving Woolco, I stopped by the framing department to get your diploma, and it wasn't there.
Well the truth is, a guy's holding it for me.
Oh, I am so tired of your lies and laziness! Well then, maybe I should just move out! Well, maybe you should.
- What? - You are 18, you can't live here forever! By the time your sister was 18, she'd already moved out three times! And by the time you were 18? Well, I'd already had your sister.
- Hmm.
- Do not get smart with me! Who's getting smart with who? - Shinky, what are you doing here? - I gotta be somewhere.
Lloyd, apparently we're living in a house of lies.
A townhouse of lies.
We're living in a townhouse of lies! I'm so tired of you two ganging up on me! It's what we're supposed to do.
We're parents! You don't even know.
There's so much happening in the world, you don't even understand.
Argh! Mom, I won't live in your microwave-oven world anymore.
What the hell? You know, your mouth moves, I think I'm hearing words come out, but it makes no sense whatsoever.
Well, the decision's been made.
- What decision? - I'm going to live with Belinda.
She's the only one in this family that understands me.
Hi! Did someone die, or what? I'm coming to live with you.
Oh That's not gonna work, 'cause I'm moving back in! Welcome back! - Hmm - Get out of here, Shinky.
Not into another chair, out! So, now that you've had a drink - And some chicken - And a cigarette Now can you tell us what happened? I could use another cigarette.
No, Belinda.
Would you please just tell us? I don't want to talk about it! We broke up.
You and cowboy number three? Why do you call him that? Because he's the third cowboy you've dated, it's just how I tell them apart.
Do I have a type? - Yeah.
- Yeah, you do, dear.
Can you tell us what happened? He's trying to control me! - He wants me to wear more makeup! - More makeup? - He wants my jeans to be tighter.
- Tighter? You'd suffocate.
Well, it's good you stood your ground.
It's called feminism.
Anyway, we had a big fight and he burned down my fur coat.
- What the hell? - What was the fight about? Never mind.
So, I guess you can't move in with me.
- Where will you go? - Well, I'll stay at Shinky's for a while.
- Hell, no! - What? My parents are way too old and senile! OK, wait, maybe I can move you in, they won't notice Maybe my mom might see you and think you were me, I don't know.
I guess I'll do what must be done.
- I'll go.
- Where will you go? I don't know where I'm going.
The beauty is, I'm just going.
Think about it.
By this time tomorrow, I could be in the prairies.
I may be in Kelowna, eating eggs and bacon with dangerous men.
I could start a band! Alright, you don't play an instrument.
OK, I see your point, maybe I won't be in a band tomorrow.
I'll probably end up in Vancouver, where the girls are sexier, or Toronto, where the music scene's better.
Tough choice, eh, Shinky? You should go to Montreal.
You can get an apartment there for 100 a month, with a fireplace.
Well, then let's put Montreal on the list.
So, for the final time in all our lives, this is goodbye or au revoir.
What the hell? Hey, it's been great sharing a record collection with you.
Take these.
I'll send for the rest once I'm settled.
Do you mind if I talk to my brother? No, go ahead.
- You don't have to do this.
- Yes, yes I do.
Can I have your stereo? - Why? - I'm going to need one! What? Gary wouldn't give me mine back.
That's what the fight was about.
He gave it to me as a virginity present.
Ew! But then he flipped out when he heard it wasn't the first virginity present I had been given.
Ugh, come on! Don't tell me that stuff! Can you imagine the music that that guy plays on that stereo? Bet ya it's a lot of Three Dog Night and the Irish Rovers.
Well, not for long.
Everyone says I don't do anything; well, I'm going to do something.
I'm going to take your stereo back.
Good luck! He's having a huge party tonight, and he invited a bunch of high school girls just to piss me off.
And some cool kids don't you guys know about it? Not as such.
I believe I have heard rumblings.
Well, whatever.
We're going to go, and in front of all those cool kids and cowboys, we're going to take your stereo back.
Uh, how do we take a stereo back - that's still playing music? - Yeah what's the plan? Gah, always with the plans! OK, OK I got it.
I got an idea, but one of you is going to have to distract cowboy.
- Fine - I'll wear the tube top.
Where'd you get this stuff? This is my graduation present.
I think my dad wants me to follow him into the family business.
- Your dad's a welder? - Retired.
Before that he was a blacksmith and then a chimney sweep, a real triple threat.
Don't worry I've seen him do this 1,000 times.
That way.
WOO! Should we be going to a party when our kids are in turmoil? It'll look bad if I'm a no-show.
I mean, I run the place, but technically Gabaldi's my boss.
Ah, Lloyd! You're finally here! - Hey! - Start on the hot dogs, and then move to the hamburgers.
Wow, you're dolled up.
- What? Uh - What are you up to tonight? Oh Should I get you an apron too, Helen? Oh Well, I guess it takes a man to work a grill, right? The kid is hot tonight Whoa, so hot tonight But where will he be tomorrow - They're with me.
- Ooh! Hey, Gary.
- Are you back? - I'm back, but I'm not back.
You know I love that tube top.
Why are you wearing it? - I'm a feminist - I can wear what I want! - Can we talk? - Yeah.
OK, so we'll slowly turn down the volume so no one notices, then we take the stereo.
We could do that, or we could fry some brains.
'Cause this is a pretty great stereo, and I bet you that if we play this record tonight, these people will get it.
You're right.
Look at these sheep, listening to this dull drone! Let's cleanse your sister's honour! Prepare to have your minds blown! We're musical geniuses.
It's like we're from the future.
I don't know what to do with my life Should I give it up and make a new start What the hell is this fairy crap? Huh? What are you queers doing, huh? Couple of queer fairies! Aren't queer and fairies the same thing? Wouldn't it just be easier to call us one or the other? Oh, maybe it would be easier if I just kicked your freaking head in, huh? - Ever seen The Bugs Bunny Show? - What? Ugh! What's up, Doc? Ha ha ha! Oh Hey! Hey! OK.
Ian! - Come on, come on! Today! - Ian! - What are you doing? - Sorry Right.
This never happened.
Get back here, you little puke! That's my stereo! They stole my stereo! See, the germs from your hands actually sterilize the meat.
Lloyd, you and this barbeque are coming on the road with us.
Love that, Jamie.
- Gopher Lloyd.
- Boss, We've got a Code 378 happening right now.
- Are you having a bath? - Affirmative.
- Over.
- What's a Code 378? - Someone stole the golf cart.
- Sounds serious.
- It is.
- I'll call the police.
This is what you pay me for.
Oh, my God! - Abort! - Oh, my Wait, wait, wait, wait! - There they are! - There it is! - What the hell's going on here? - I have no idea! Oh, look! Someone left a golf cart here.
Ha ha! Can I help you guys? She stole my stereo! Actually, it's my stereo.
You gave it to me for something that I gave to you.
Would you like to tell my dad what the gift was for? - What's going on? - No, no it's cool, you can just have it.
Fine, then why don't you hoodlums get the hell out - of our townhouse community! - Yeah! - What are you doing? It's late! - I did something.
I stood up for my sister, I stole a stereo, - I also kissed a cowboy.
- Show him your beat-up face! Ooh! In what way is that making a plan? Well, our plan is to right social wrongs.
- And be somewhat original.
- Yeah.
- OK, that's a start.
- Can we have our diplomas now? Well, technically I wasn't supposed to keep them in the first place, so yes.
You know guys, it's too bad that in this great personal journey of growing up Yeah, can you hurry this up? There's some cowboys chasing us.
- Oh! - Go! Go! Go! Hmm You did it! I guess this isn't a townhouse of lies after all.
No, Mom.
Look, I I don't want you out.
I just wanted you to give yourself a push.
You're special.
You have great things ahead of you, even if you don't know what they are yet.
Uh So, can I stay for a bit? Yes.
Look, I don't know how many months' rent this is, but here you go.
Hmm, thank you.
But until you figure out what you want to do, you 're going to have to pay me this amount every month.
- Every month? - Yup! I can't believe those hoodlums stole my cart and got away with it! Where's the justice? Yeah, it's kids like that that give kids like us a bad name, Dad! Don't worry, Ian, I'll find the culprits tomorrow when I watch the surveillance tapes in my command centre.
Ah, we did the crime and we are not going to do the time! You thinking what I'm thinking? Almost always.
I don't know what to do with my life I don't know what to do with my life Stop that music! For more on Young Drunk Punk, go to CityTV.