Young Drunk Punk (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

Working for Cowboy

1 Oh! Yeah, OK, you're doing great, man, just hang in there a few more minutes.
A few more minutes? That's it, that's it, OK? You're wearing him out! You could hit him back a bit more, though.
I'm trying! Oh Hey, hey, hey, come on! OK, look, you've lost some battles, OK, but not the war.
I smell victory! Come on! I'm just having trouble because he's bigger and a much better fighter than me.
- Well, I guess it's time we unleashed the berserker.
- You're right.
(screaming) OK, OK, that's enough! Look, I'm sorry, fellas, nice interview, but you're just not bouncer material.
- What? - I can't give you a job, but here's some drink tickets for your trouble.
(laughing) I guess applying for jobs isn't so bad after all! IDs? (theme music playing) Oh, look at him.
Not a prime candidate to join the job force, that's for sure.
For your information, I had a job interview last night.
- Oh, did you now? - Really? You came home reeking of beer with blood all over your shirt.
Yeah, that was the interview! It's how things are done in the real world.
You're a high school graduate.
Start acting like it! - Good morning! - Good morning, Belinda.
See, why can't you be more like your sister? Look at her, already up, dressed, ready for the day.
I just got home.
A thing went late and another went later.
- (Helen): Mm-hmm - Is there eggs, toast, hash browns, waffles and bacon? I'm starving! Oh, well you know what else is hungry? The rent jar! - I'm looking! - Really? Have you tried looking under here? (scoffing) There's interesting prospects! Oh, and I think there's a nice career opportunity hiding over here! This is like a house of horrors! A townhouse of horrors! I will not work in your beige job in this beige community! Dad, you'd be like the Three Dog Night of bosses.
Popular band, catchy tunes - I'll take it.
Thank you! No, it means you'd be, like, the least cool boss on earth.
No, I'm not, people like me.
I'm a laugh riot! Oh, fine! You'll get your precious rent this week! You're a life saver, Shink.
Yeah, I've had this one in my back pocket for a while, now.
We get paid great money, paid in cash at the end of the day, no questions asked.
They don't even want to know if we have any work experience? Well, it's no questions asked by us.
I guess the work conditions are pretty wild.
Wild? Yeah, you know, people quitting, getting seriously hurt and what not - Hurt? How? - It's no questions asked, dude.
OK? It's cool.
Don't Don't worry.
These are the guys we're working with? They look like escaped cons.
- So Who's the boss? - The boss is a real hard-ass.
Make your life a living hell if he doesn't like you.
He ain't gonna like you.
But the pay is good, right? You buy a lot of records? Records? Dude, I got 6 kids, the oldest is 4.
Records! (truck honking) Isn't that your sister's old boyfriend? Yeah, Cowboy Number 3.
We fought him.
Well, you kissed him and then we ran away.
I'm dead if he recognizes me.
Alright, you bunch of fruit booties ready to go to work? (all muttering) Aw, hell yeah! Hey, hey you! You ride with me.
Hmm! Why are you washing your hands so long? You never wash your hands.
(muttering indistinctly) What's wrong? I'm a cool boss, right? Well, you're a wonderful husband, and a neat-o dad I mean, the guys, they like working for me, don't they? I don't know - what do you talk about at work? Well, I have a quiet rule.
We're quiet 'til lunch.
I bet that's when all hell breaks loose! Well, at lunch, I have a solitude rule.
We take our lunches separately.
Well, not everyone can be a cool boss.
These hands aren't going to wash themselves Food! (all growling and snarling) - So, Ian, you still into music? - I listen to it, if that's what you mean.
That's cool.
Hey, how's your sister doing? Fine Good.
You should, uh, tell her I say hello.
OK Let's hear how you're going to say it.
(timidly): Hello? Work on it.
You ever built a house before, Ian? - No - Oh! It's dangerous work.
So many different ways that a man could get hurt.
- I'll be careful.
- Good.
I would hate for there to be some sort of unfortunate accident.
(whistling) Henry, Spud! Got you boys some doughnut holes.
Or, us, I guess, to all eat together.
Two fun flavours: chocolate and plain.
No, wait, wait - we're not supposed to have one, right? Oh, no, go ahead! They're for you.
Not the plain ones! Those are my favourite, Spud! (chuckling awkwardly) I'm kidding.
Have a doughnut hole, old man! So, time to get to work.
Question is, who's driving the golf cart today? You, sir, like always.
(making buzzer noise) Wrong answer.
One of you guys is driving the golf cart this morning.
Don't call me "sir".
Call me Lloyd McKay.
OK, so you decide, or I'm going to pull those doughnut holes out of your bellies.
OK, I'll steer the cart.
(keys clattering) (groaning) He'll catch it next time.
Guys, the important thing is that no one got hurt.
It' just a golf cart Just a $1,700 golf cart.
Well, it was fun - Spud! - Sorry What are those guys? That is the night crew.
Basement work.
Your boots are mine.
- What? - Alright, you ladies need to finish drywall on the first floor today.
If bleed on it, you bought it.
And if you feel dizzy, you don't get paid.
You! Hairdo.
You're up on the silly saw.
You mean the actual saw? Ian! You're with me.
I got something extra special for you.
Answer the phone - or not.
Take plenty of breaks, OK? I wouldn't want Belinda's little brother working too hard, now.
Let me hear that hello.
Hello Better.
Keep practicing.
(sighing and yawning) I worked more today than every other day of my life put together.
- How many breaks did you get? - Breaks? It was like Mad Max in there.
One guy cut himself, the other guys tried to drink his blood.
- What? - We're thirsty.
We need water.
The phone rang 12 times today.
I answered it twice at lunch.
- You had lunch? - Good job, today, Ian! Let's hear that hello.
Nice! And when you say hello to your sister, ask her if she's seeing anybody, OK? I want a list of names.
Then Doris chirps, "Well, if it had been" - I'm sorry, which one is Doris again? - Doris! Who I've worked with the past 7 years.
Oh, right.
Yeah, her.
- Hello, family! - Well, there's my working man.
Well, he doesn't look much like a working man, he's not dirty for a guy working construction.
Let me guess: you got fired, right? Some horrible boss If I got fired, would I be able to afford these? - What did you get? - Candlestick holders! Are these brass? Only the best for my mom! And, for the rent jar Ian! After one day? - One day at $7.
10 an hour.
- $7.
10 an hour! Holy crow! Lloyd, you should get a job there.
Yeah, and you ought to get a job at the stop bothering me factory! By the way, Spud's coming over for dinner.
Lloyd, I need notice! What am I supposed to do, grow another sausage? Why can't we just talk about what's going on in each other's lives? So, Belinda Seeing anyone special? - Not really.
- Cool.
Well, there's this guy from work that I've been out with.
Then there's Dwight He drives a tow truck.
He's not really my boyfriend, but he'll tow stuff for me.
I made out with this professor at a party and he keeps calling.
- OK - Then there's the bouncer that I go see movies with.
Darren, the gas station guy.
Mike Mark, Chinese Mike Yeah, I guess, I don't know A couple.
That goes up there.
Got it? What's with them? Well, these guys are a little on edge.
You know we only have 3 gloves for 17 guys? (laughing mirthlessly) Where's your shirt? Well, I was trying to teach these guys to stand up for themselves.
You know, telling them that houses are not built with wood.
They're built with the blood and the sweat and the broken dreams of a worker.
So they took your shirt? Yeah.
Listen, you should get out of here, these guys really hate management.
Management? No, no, no, I am not the man.
Yeah, you are.
You have a desk, you eat lunch, and they all call you princess.
I'm just t like you guys! - Ian! - Hey, boss, you here to give me some more back-breaking labour? Bo?? Call me Gary! How's your sister doing? Is she seeing anyone? - Not anyone in particular.
- Good.
Is she listening to ABBA Your sister and I, we used to listen to a lot of ABBA.
Oh, that's not the worst band of all time.
Well, she likes them.
ABBA always got her emotions going.
- Horny is an emotion, right? - Ugh.
My little buddy feel like getting paid? Here's an extra 20.
I want you to take your family out for dinner, OK? Nick's Steakhouse, 7 o'clock tonight.
And make sure you get a table by the window.
I want to see how pretty your sister looks.
- I don't know about this - Why don't I just take the money back, and you go to work with the insulation guys? (moaning weakly) OK, tonight it is.
Hey! I'm not paying you to hesitate! Get back to work! Dude, you can't think about it Just go.
Ah Ahh! - Ow! - Did you hear that? I think I just lost another toenail.
Yeah, well, I've got problems too.
I didn't know which records to buy, and I've got to take my family out for dinner with all this money.
That doesn't sound too bad.
I'm not doing it! I'm not going to sell out my sister.
What? You have to! Look at all this vinyl! No, I'm not going to do it.
That guy's no good for her.
Wait, just Think of your wages as albums, OK? You make about an album an hour.
8 albums a day Within a year, we could have every album we've ever wanted.
Acres of records, as far as the eye can see.
You're right.
Here, take these.
I can't.
I can't physically move my arms.
No, no, she's athletic.
That's what I like about her.
Hey, guys, who wants to listen to some tunes while we work? - (Bringing it Home by Sandy Szigeti playing) - What But you always say music is a waste of silence.
That's the old me, Spud.
Come on! And by the way, who wants to have a nice cold beer with their cool boss? - Mmm - That one's my favourite! - Oh - I'm just kidding Yeah.
You only drink beer, right, because you're a recovering alcoholic? (laughing awkwardly) Drink up, that's an order.
(clearing throat) (bottles clinking) (snoring) What the hell happened here? Huh Uh What Well You said we could drink! One! One beer! Why are you wearing my wedding ring? What Uh I don't know The best deal here is the $1.
99 all-you-can-eat salad bar.
You know, you can have as many bacon bits as you want, and legally they can't stop you.
No, no, have anything you want.
Tonight's on me.
Then I'm getting 4 appetizers.
OK, anything you want Ian, what would you suggest? Oh, he's going to order for you now, too? Well, sounds fun.
It's like we're in Paris.
Perhaps the Madame would like the petit filet? (laughing): Ooh-la-la! - C'est bon! - Belinda - Who's this? - This is Roy! He's my date! Howdy, folks! Nice to meet ya! Hi Cowboy Number 4.
I thought it was just family tonight.
Well, I can't cancel all my plans just because you want to take us out! Hello, Ian! Mr.
and Mrs.
Oh, Belinda You look quite lovely this evening.
I, uh I just won these in an arm-wrestling match.
Wish I had someone to give them to.
Would anybody like them? Is it Mm-hmm, mm-hmm! - Who's this city slicker? - I'm a cowboy.
He's my cousin's friend from Red Deer.
- OK - He's having his tonsils out tomorrow, so we're out celebrating.
This is Roy, not that it's any of your business.
Ian Could I talk to you for a sec? About work.
Who the hell is he? I'm going to eat that skidmark for breakfast! They're just friends, old, non-touching friends.
Ian, no bull.
- Is she seeing him? - In a manner of speaking.
(panting) Give me my money back.
Give me Ian! Give me my money back! - Give it to me right now! - OK, OK - Hmm! - Ow Hmm! Well, there's the bill.
I guess the gentlemanly thing to do would be to pay.
No, no, this is my brother's treat.
Anytime, moneybags! Just savouring the moment! Not every day you get to take your family out.
- Mm-hmm! - Dad, you're the man of the house.
I think the gentlemanly thing to do would be to let you pay.
OK, thank you! Show you how a man does it.
Oof! Ooh, that's That's a lot of money, I'm having a heart attack.
Ha! No, honestly, I can't afford that.
Alright, well, well, well.
Looks like I'm the man of the house.
Belinda! All I've ever done is bleed for you! You want to know how much I love you? I'll smash my truck for you! - I don't know how that's - YA! AHH! Ahh! I love you Belinda! Belinda! So that's your cool boss, huh? Ian! You promised she wanted me back! You owe me a truck! I think it looks cool like that.
You're working for free for a few months.
Now get in the back! - Hey, dude, do you have any cigarettes? - You smoke now? No, no, they use them for money around here.
They leave you alone for 100.
Sorry, Shinks.
Doesn't matter.
I'm fighting back today.
These guys will kill you.
No, no, I'm fighting back against the system.
You know, it takes and it takes, but today, I found out a way - to take back.
- What? It's called, uh, worker's comp.
You injure yourself, right? Accidentally.
And they pay you to sit on your lump all day.
- How badly do you have to hurt yourself? - Significantly.
Hey, Princess! You can sit next to me.
(men laughing creepily) Thanks, guys, you have no idea how much this means to me.
(mug breaking) What the hell did you do that for? Uh, well, it's a funny joke! We're having fun! With our fun boss! You scalded my body! - Sorry, Lloyd - Don't call me Lloyd! Call me boss or sir! - Are we still going to the zoo? - Yeah, as soon as I put you in the hospital! Come here.
Henry, come here.
Come here! Hey, guys, it's my fault, I'm I shouldn't Hey.
We're not a babysitting service.
Uh, no, he's here to work, sir.
- Right? - Mm-hmm.
Oh OK.
Shinky! Yeah, I'd love to work inside today, sir.
We got some creature in the crawlspace.
I'm going to use you as bait.
And Ian, let's see - You ever work with live wires.
- Belinda still likes you.
What? How do you know? She was crying last night.
I wasn't supposed to tell you.
I don't believe you.
Prove it! How am I supposed to do that? - I need a picture of her.
- OK.
And make sure it's a sexy picture.
You're on wiring.
(groaning) Why are you wearing that? I have to do some tanning.
What's with the camera? Well, you know, when I'm working hard for the family, I wouldn't mind a picture of your lovely faces.
You know, remind me of why I do it.
Oh, that's so sweet.
I look hideous right now.
Dirt all over my gardening gloves Yeah, it doesn't matter.
And I need a picture of my loving father for my wallet.
- I don't know - Your dad took the guys to the zoo today and he lost Spud in the reptile house.
Yeah, if they find him inside a boa constrictor, it's all my fault.
I guess I'm the world's worst boss.
Dad, I'm chemically inclined to hate bosses and you're not even close to the worst.
Let's see, who does that leave? - Belinda! - No, do not take a picture of me like this.
How's this? It's OK, I guess.
OK, ladies, listen up.
It's come to my attention that somebody's eating my concrete.
Now, I don't know who's been doing it, but that doesn't mean that I'm not gonna find out who, - and when I do - Hey, cowboy, I got something for you.
Didn't I tell you not to call me that anymore? I don't like how generic it is.
- Here's your picture.
- 'Atta boy.
Hey! That's not Belinda.
- She's too good for you.
- Your office days are over, pal.
Give me your worst job! Hot tar patrol! (bubbling) Sounds cool.
Hmm! (cheering exhaustedly) - (all): Princess! Princess! - Whoa Ahh! Oh, man Ah That's a twist! Thanks for stealing my worker's comp idea! Ian! What did you do to him? He tripped on a shovel, so I brought him home.
Your arms look so strong carrying my brother - He wanted a picture of you and I didn't give it to him! - He wanted a picture of me? For my pillow - so I can wake up every morning next to you.
I'm so lost right now - No, Bels, you're not.
I found you.
- No, no, no! - Let's get back together.
- We already are.
(Ian groaning) Oh, my baby! Almost there Oh, oh Aw! Hello? Is anyone home? Ian? Oh, geeze, I didn't think anybody else was here.
I was just in the shower with your sister.
Relax, we weren't having sex, OK? I'm way too exhausted from all the stuff we were doing last night.
- Are you kidding me? - Let me give you a hand, pal.
- No, it's OK - Aw, come on.
Let's go.
OK, fine.
(groaning) There you go.
So Did you know that there are 7 different place in a woman's body where you can actually hit it and get her engine started? - Please stop talking! - I'm talking all cylinders, pal, I mean, first one I didn't know about was the back of the knee.
Oh, boy!