Young Drunk Punk (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

The Van

1 We've had some times here, huh? Yeah, if these trees could talk! Hey, remember that one time that weird dog chased us into the woods? Yeah, I'm still not sure that was a dog.
Me neither.
Oh, it's cold.
- Yeah.
- Are my lips blue? I can't tell.
Come a little closer.
- Hey! - Ah! - You guys cops? - No - Is the party here? - Yeah, now that you girls are here it is.
Can we offer you ladies a beverage? - Yeah Why not? - Sure.
So glad you stumbled across our little private party.
This is cold.
Ow.
- They've been in there for hours.
- Yeah, this is frozen.
- Yeah, it is! - No, no, no, this is frozen to my hand! - Uh - Oh, my God! Don't pull it, don't pull it! - We need to find a new place to drink.
- Agreed.
: Don't cry! Well, I'm up to my neck in dog poo.
Good morning to you, too.
I may regret asking this, but what's going on? Illegal canine excrement, or I.
C.
E.
, as the call it in certain circles.
I guarantee no such circles exist.
They do.
And a pet is turning Brae Vista into a minefield.
- Ian! Ian! - What's going on? - I have no time to explain.
- Calm down! - Van Van! - I was eating that! - Van? What? - Van! Come on! Don't worry, I'll have him back as soon as possible.
- Shut up.
Don't breathe my air.
- One day you'll respect me.
One day! We will find you.
OK, calm down.
Tell me what's happening.
My dad is selling us his old welding van for 60 bucks.
- That's suspiciously cheap.
- But not for my dad! You give that man 60 bucks and he'll be rolling around with the Great Gatsby eating canned peaches for a week.
We have to close this deal before he takes his morning nap.
A van could change everything.
It's freedom! A van smashes the chains that bind us so that we can export our white- hot brand of non-conformity - anywhere the road allows.
- Yeah Also, girls! This is it, Shinks.
No more drinking and shivering in the woods.
Hello, raw, unpasteurized freedom.
It's going to be a rolling "eat my dust" to the rules - of society.
- Also, girls! Let's see what 200 hp revolution looks like! I think your dad ripped us off.
Naw Ugh! It smells like a corpse got a perm in here! - Very specific.
- We've gotta fix this thing up! I'm way ahead of you man.
That's why I bought this.
Hi! I'm Van Man Dan and I love vans and van culture! So, you've bought yourself a van.
Best life choice you'll ever make.
Yeah! There's so much you can do with a van.
You can carpet it, and way more.
You can paint it, paint a mural on it, check the rear view mirror.
Check the side mirrors! Mirrors! You can drive it around.
You can park it! You can get in there! You can get under it, you can get out of it! Honk the horn! Open the doors! Pick up groceries with your friends! And way more! Ha ha ha! Get in it! Get out of it! Get under it! Go around it! Ha ha! If you want to learn more about vans and van culture, buy volume two! That's it? That was unhelpful! I actually think I know less about vans and van culture.
It'll get better, come on! - Ah - You bought the whole series? You've gotta spend money to make money, Ian.
Economics.
Read a book.
Mom! Do you have to do that here? I'm about to go out.
You should come with me! I'm going jogging.
- That sounds like exercise.
- It's fun! You run around and around until you get tired.
And I've got these ankle weights - for added toning.
- And added embarrassment! You know, when your dog leaves his fudge in the nice green grass, how hard is it to pick it up? You know, Brae Vista - is turning into Edmonton! - Hey! I'm from Edmonton! And I rescued you, you're welcome.
Belle, I need your help.
- This smells like an Ian job.
- No, he's out stealing a van or something.
Well, do you want to help your dad, or go jogging? Up to you, sweetie! OK I guess anything's better than jogging except maybe this! This is the crime scene, here.
Dad, are you actually doing something, or are you just confused? I think maybe one animal went and then another animal moved it.
- What are you doing now? - I'm trying to get into the head of the animal I'm hunting.
- We should have a stakeout.
- That's a great idea.
Where? - We hide in there until the culprit strikes.
- Why there? Well, it offers a clear view without anyone being able to see what you and the other person you're with might be doing in there.
- Why do you know so much about that spot? - No reason So now that your van's shaping up, it's time to talk wheels.
You're gonna need 4 of them.
Round.
The rounder the better.
Hey, here's a little rhyme to help you remember: if you want your van to roll, the wheels gotta roll.
Hey, how's that for a rhyme? If you want your van to roll, the wheels gotta roll.
Alright, who's the funny guy that put a wheel of cheese in here? We're having a good time! - Ha ha ha ha! - Enough! I think we get the idea.
Let's just do it.
Lies, all the things you told me No base in truth, blatant fiction tales Lies, obvious evasion You're speaking words that don't mean a thing When we are in the same room We did it.
This is bitchin'.
You talk like I'm a fool You think that I believe everything - It's perfect.
- Much less murder-y.
The revolution will now be mobilized.
Alright, let's give this baby a spin and see - where the open road takes us.
- Woo! - Calgary? - Are you kidding me? Man! What are the odds? We're totally hidden like two jungle cats back here.
- There's Mom! - Wow, my own wife didn't even recognize me.
I should come here more often! Heh heh! Wait, that's him! Two o'clock! Fire it up! We'll have to come back and get that later.
- OK, faster! - OK, let's open this baby up and I'll show you what it can do! Yeah! Unh! He's gone! No, he's not.
- Let's nail this guy.
- Give me some skin.
Oop Pull the emergency brake! - Pull the emergency brake! - What? A plunger? Man, your dad sold us an ancient lemon! Look at that dog.
- Does it look like he's pooing? - He could be pooing But he could be trying to poo.
I've never been able - to read a dog's face.
- It's a lost art.
Zoom in.
Damn it! We're at a dead end.
No, I recognize those cheap pants.
That's my high school guidance counsellor.
Oh, I'd like to give him some guidance! But we need proof! We have a positive ID and hard physical evidence! Our case exceeds the circumstantial threshold, Dad! How come you're so good at this? I don't know! It's like I always knew I had an aptitude for committing crimes, - but I guess it extends to solving them, too.
- Huh! Hey, Orenstein! Why don't you pick up after your dirty animal? I got no idea what you're talking about! Belinda! You're in security these days? Good for you! I was always worried about your future.
Don't try to charm your way out of this! We don't get paid enough to deal with your Shih Tzu, so watch it! - Oh! - Wow! That poo in the face thing? - Too much? - No, I wish I'd thought of it.
So I guess that's case closed, huh? Well What else you got? Oh, so you wanna crack a few cases with the old man? - Let's run and gun! - Give me some skin.
- Let's wash our hands first.
- OK.
Go for it! Let's go! Oh Great hustle, Dave! This is a terrible party.
This is even worse than hanging out in the woods.
- Yeah.
Let's go drink in our van.
- Van? Wait, do you have a van? Uh Yes.
- Do you want to see it? - Sure! We have to take a bus to your van Yeah and don't forget to get a transfer.
- This is cool.
- Yeah.
- Totally.
- Who wants to play strip charades? - Yeah, sure.
- Totally! Uh, first word - Nice van, bro! - Hey.
Yeah Man, this van is like a radio station! - Don't radio stations usually broadcast? - Well, then let's broadcast! Hey, are you the, uh, - the van guys? - Yeah, guess we are.
Yeah, I heard this place was pretty bitchin'.
You, uh mind if we come aboard, Captain? - Hop on, soldier! - Alright! This place is a scene, man! This is the coolest! We have become cool, man.
- Hi, boys! - Come on! Hi, Mrs.
McKay! I just thought that you might be hungry.
- No, Mom! - I'd love one.
- Get out of here! Ugh - What? If you really want to get to know him, don't go out with him, break up with him! That's how you get to know a guy.
Hold on.
Great news! There's a noise violation and people are fuming.
I'd love to, but my girlfriend's about to make a terrible mistake.
No you're not! Ha ha ha! That's fine, I guess I can bust the entire case alone.
I'll be OK.
- OK, let's roll.
- Yeah.
Tell him you know his secret and see what he says.
Let's go! Brae Vista security! You hear any loud music? Naw, man, just a couple quality people quietly enjoying a van, right? As it should be.
Spud, have you checked the south quadrant? - No - Are you having a bath? Respectfully, boss, what I do on my lunchtime is my own business.
I'm a man of leisure, Boss.
Damn it! We're back at square one.
- Hear anything? - No.
- Hear anything now? - No.
What about now? No, just you talking! Woo! - Hey, hey, they're here.
- Hey, van guys! What's up? You see, Ian? In just 5 days, we have rocketed from hated all the way past uncool and hopped on the crazy train - to popular! - No, I don't know, man, I'm starting to think - it's the van that's popular and not us.
- Why do you say that? Last night some girl called me "van guy number two".
Yeah, well, I think you seem to be missing a key point that there was actually a girl talking to you.
Can't we just have one quiet night, just you, me, - and the van? - Don't harsh the bus, Ian.
Hey, hey, come on in.
Take your coats off, stay a while.
Hey, hey, weren't we just looking for a cool place to hang out, listen to some tunes, and perhaps shake the very foundations of society? OK, OK, look.
Tonight, let's party, OK? Tomorrow, we'll shake society's foundations.
Alright? You're losing sight of what this van means.
We should get the money together and fix it up and go someplace, like Lethbridge? That's even worse! Alberta just won't let us leave.
Ladies, van guy number one has arrived! These guys are going down.
I'm not sure this is the right place, Dad.
- I'm going in.
- I'm not.
Come on, don't wimp out on me now, Belinda.
Would Cagney wimp out on Lacey? Would McMillan wimp out on wife? - Fine.
- Be ready with one of those zingers that you do.
I'm not feeling it here, Dad.
Well, feel it.
Can I help you? Yes, there's been complaints about your wild partying.
It's just a small fondue party.
Yeah, well we "fondue" in contempt of Brae Vista bylaw number 17.
Dad, I can barely hear their music and I'm standing right here.
Fine! Better put on a pot of coffee, Belinda, looks like this one's going late.
Look, Dad, I have to cheer up a friend with a bottle of crème de menthe.
Then I have another thing.
I'm popular.
The party literally doesn't start without me.
Ok, go do what you gotta do.
Bye-bye, McMillan.
- What are you doing? - What, you never heard of rug burn before? Cut it out! What? I want you to get some more chips.
We're out.
Disco? This is not a disco van! - Why not? - It was supposed to be a rolling sanctuary.
This isn't freedom, this is a prison! I don't think they play much disco in prisons, OK? Something else will come on soon.
Man, we didn't get a van to wait for soon, - we got a van to wait for now! - You know what? You are overreacting.
I'm out of here.
Taking my records and maybe a shirt and I'm going! Goodbye, sheep! Ugh! And one more thing! Hey! Hey, guys! Come on! You can't locked me out of my own van.
I can.
And so ends our great journey together.
The van is finally finished.
It's hard to know what's more important - friends, your family, your van For me, I always choose van, because who needs friends or family when you got Jesus riding shotgun? - What? - So get out there and start spreading the good news of our lord and saviour! Happy vanning and God bless! Ugh What's wrong, sweetie? - You wouldn't understand.
- Hmm I don't know.
- Your old mom might surprise you.
- I don't know Well, maybe the surge in popularity your van has brought you has made you question whether being with the in crowd is more important than your ideals.
Now the van has taken on a life of its own, it's tearing you and Shinky apart.
And you're worried that maybe you want different things out of life and out of the van and van culture.
That's exactly right.
How did you do that? Well, let's just say I have a lot of ideas jogging about in my mind.
You've been spying on me on your runs, haven't you? Yes.
Also look how high I can kick thanks to the ankle weights! My feet are like feathers.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'll let you two talk and sort it out.
- No, that was the talk.
- That should do it.
- I think we're good.
- Yeah, we're good.
OK, look.
You're right! - The van is getting super sucky and super corporate.
- I know.
Also, we should never let popularity come between us.
Or a van, right? Also, everyone in that van was a phoney.
- Yeah! - Also, I got kicked out of the van, also.
Well, then, let's reclaim our van and return it to its one true purpose: revolutionizing society.
Still working on that noise complaint, partner? Oh, so you miss cracking cases with your old man, huh? No but I did miss the adrenaline rush of catching bad guys instead of just making out with them.
Not what a dad wants to hear, but still, hop in.
OK, here's the update there is no update, I'm stumped.
I think I know someone who's been seeing a lot of Brae Vista lately.
You mean I don't actually know who you mean.
- Just drive, old man.
- All right.
I have no idea where I'm going.
Move over, let me drive.
Dad, Dad! Look I know how to drive Dad.
You startled me! What are you guys doing? - We'll be asking the questions here, lady! - Yeah.
You've been seeing a lot of Brae Vista, running around at all hours? - And we need answers, lady.
- Why do you two keep calling me lady? Because there's noise and you know where it's coming from.
Hm, you want me to rat! Well, I'm not going to do that to our son.
Ah! That must be some sort of record! See, this is why I hide my money under the tree by the playground.
- We created this madness.
- It's just like that movie where that guy creates that monster out of human meat and it goes around partying with everybody, then I think - he becomes the mayor? - Meatballs? - Yeah! - Back of the line.
- But it's our van! - No one owns the van.
Do you own the air? You guys are talking like a couple of suits.
- No, but it's actually our van.
- We're Ian and Shinky, - the van guys, come on! - That's us! - I'm van guy number one! - Sorry, - back of the line, let's go! - That is it! It's OK! I'm calling the cops.
No need.
It's your worst nightmare.
- Brae Vista security.
- Party's over, folks! Zinger, dad! Oh, I hate to, uh, "van" dalize your evening, but this van's gotta go! Like Vincent "Van" Gogh, the painter.
- Sure, dad.
- So, - do we get the van back? - We got the van back.
Yeah, but guys, it can't stay here in Brae Vista, come on! - Dad, it doesn't drive and we can't fix it.
- Yeah, but it's a magnet for creeps so you've got to figure something out, I'm sorry.
We could just tow it! Hey! Does anybody here drive a tow truck? Me! That was surprisingly convenient! So your van broke down and you had it towed to a tiny cluster of trees.
- Yeah, we just told you that.
- How did you find us again? Well, I had your address from when you ordered the videos.
Aah and truthfully, I didn't sell that many.
That's because you're terrible! Good to know! It's kind of what I'm doing; roaming around, getting feedback from my van fans, Your videos were very unhelpful.
Right on! Hey, can I ask you guys an honest question about vans and van culture? - Sure, OK.
- Shoot! Is anyone living in this bad boy? Ah! Whoa, Nelly! Whoa! Chips! We've really gotta find a new place to drink.
- Yup! - Ah, life throws you some curve balls in the winding road of the van man's life.
Every once in a while, you've got to get up, put the old windshield wipers on and I don't know what I'm saying.