Young Drunk Punk (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

European Style

1 It's grotesque.
I really wish Dad wouldn't leave it lying around in here.
How am I supposed to brush my teeth with that thing in here? Creepy.
You know what's even creepier? - It's always been like that.
- I know.
It's my earliest memory.
Oh, sweetie! Mommy and Daddy love you! Look, he dropped his rattle.
Hey man, play with this.
(crying) That thing I've been trying for years to get your father to get rid of it, but honestly? It's like living with a stodgy caveman.
Here I am.
What did I do this time? Morning, everybody.
Oh, hello, old friend.
Let's do what we do best.
- Ugh! - Mm.
Ooh mmm - Ugh! - No more.
Did you wipe down that rag before using it? You want me to wipe down the wipe-down rag? Don't do half a job.
Do I make half a pizza? Speaking of pies, how many did you sell today? - No one ordered anything.
- You never heard of cold calls? Hey, this is Carmine's Pizza.
I was just wondering - if you wanted to order a pizza.
- [I didn't order a pizza.
] Yeah, I know you haven't ordered a pizza yet, but I (hanging up) - Hello? - Tell them about the pepperoni.
- Tell them about the - They hung up.
When I hired you, you said you were a go-getter.
Get out there and move product! Tell 'em about pepperoni! You want me to sell pizza door-to-door? - Yes.
- Yeah, I don't think you get - how this works, old man.
- Are you telling me my busi I have been doing this for ten months! You're fired.
Well fine, you know what? You can have your leash back.
- It's not a leash.
It's an apron.
- Yes, it is.
- It's a symbol of oppression because - Yeah no.
it's it's in the back there.
- Where, where I got it! One second.
- It's in the back.
Eat my dust, overlord.
Ah, that kid was like a son to me.
A real disappointment.
Belinda, what's the holdup? Did you fall asleep in there? - I'm not in the shower, Dad.
- What are you doing here? I know you respect my daughter way too much to have slept here.
My shower's on the fritz, so Belinda just said that I could use yours.
It's a basic human right, Dad.
Where's my brush? Somebody see my brush? Where's my brush? Oh, have a seat, Lloyd.
Would you like a cup of coffee? - What's going on in this house? - I threw your brush away.
- You did what? We could not live with that thing in the house any longer.
That thing and I have been through a lot together: the birth of our children, the moon landing, Trudeaumania you'd just throw those memories away, too? Oh, don't be so melodramatic.
- I'm not being melodramatic.
- Here.
I got you this gift certificate from that nice hair salon by the Pop Shoppe.
Parisian Style? What am I supposed to do with this, get myself a nice perm, splash on some cologne, prance around like a peacock? No.
I thought that you could use it to buy a new hairbrush.
OK.
Mm mm.
Nah! It's not in there.
I knew you'd do that, so I had it taken away.
It's miles from here.
(groaning) Man, it was so liberating getting fired today.
I got fired from that moving company job.
Too many rules.
The guy was like, "Hey Shinky, don't break that.
" "Hey Shinky, that package goes to this address.
" "Hey Shinky, don't drop that baby.
" Can you imagine holding down the same job for like, two or even three years? That is a prison.
That is a prison where you make your own chains.
Man, people have no idea how amazing getting fired is! I don't know why it's got such a bad rap! Yeah, you know, they should call it getting released.
- It should be celebrated.
- Exactly, 'cause the more jobs you get fired from, the more stacked your résumé gets, the easier it is to get a new job! - To then get subsequently fired from! - Exactly! There are benefits to doing a bad job.
People always say you should work quickly, but I think it's more important to get fired quickly.
I got axed from Carmine's in just two days.
Two days? Come on, I can get fired way faster than that! You actually think you're a worse worker than me? I don't think.
I know.
Well, then I guess the only way to settle this is a little friendly competition.
With maybe name tags as war trophies? Then we will truly know who the best is at being the worst at their job.
The game is on.
Well, I don't think I need to hear anything more.
Congratulations, Mr.
Shinky.
- When can you start? - I'll start right now.
- You're fired.
- Ha, ha, ha! Darth Vader is Luke's father.
Darth Vader is Luke's father.
- That guy there.
- Darth Vader is Luke's father.
I know, I'm outta here.
OK Nah, nothing.
May I help you? Um, yes.
I'm looking for a men's hairbrush.
One as strong and unbending as the man who commands it.
One his family can be proud of until they grow ashamed.
Were you looking for hand-held, or recumbent? I don't know.
- That one there.
- Ah yes, the Glomb.
A glove and a brush.
The toast of Oslo.
You know, I think none of these men's hairbrushes are quite right.
- Thank you for your time.
- Perhaps while you're here, you'd like a - a haircut? - Oh no, I have a barber.
His name is Cecil.
I've been with him for twenty years.
I go in and I say "Give me the Lloyd", 'cause I'm Lloyd.
Uh hm I'm fine.
Hmm Well, Lloyd.
Maybe it's time for a change.
- En êtes-vous sûr? I am feeling a tad shaggy.
En êtes-vous sûr? Mm En êtes-vous sûr? (moaning) En êtes-vous sûr? Mm En êtes-vous sûr? Well, what do you think? It's perfect.
- Hey, how is everything so far? - Great.
Delicious.
- Oh, that's perfect! - I'll be the judge of that.
- Gimme that.
- Uh - It's not bad.
Not bad.
- Let's see what you've got.
Mmm! Hers is way better.
- Way better.
- What do you think you're doing? - What do you think I'm doing? - I think you're being fired.
Well, in that case, can I get a doggy bag for this? It's just not fitting.
We just need a little bit of lubrication, huh? You're fired.
Thank you! Oh, hey Ace.
Bud called.
He's gonna be late for work tomorrow.
They took away his bus pass again.
Well, I've told him before, they don't like backseat drivers.
Ha, ha! Did you get yourself that new brush? Oh! Well! Looks like someone got their ears lowered.
Well, the guys at work were saying I was getting a tad shaggy, so Oh Cecil did this? No, I got it at that new place, Parisian whatchamacallit.
So shiny.
Mmm! What's that smell? - Uh, sandalwood or something.
- Well, - it certainly is smart.
- I don't know, it's a bit fancy for me.
Why don't you come here and give me some sugar, Tom Selleck? Uh I should wash up first, I'm feeling a bit dirty.
Ah huh! She was calling my bluff, man.
I was sailing into the heart of darkness and I was sailing fast.
I tell ya, in a better world, I'd have been a hero.
Today, I got fired, begged for my job back, got rehired and re-fired all before lunch.
I'm the Joe Strummer of getting canned.
And that's what it should be every day! Every day should be the last day of the rest of your job.
- That's beautiful.
- Alright, let's ante up.
Not bad.
- But we can do better.
- I'm just getting started.
I'm telling you, having that old lady's forgotten, sweaty, haggard foot in my mouth really opened my eyes.
I think we just found our true calling.
You're right.
Think about it.
What's the one thing everybody hates about their jobs? Doing them.
Exactly.
That's why we gotta get out there and inspire everyone to lose them.
But not just for us.
No.
We're doing it for everyone who's too afraid to tear down the walls of their paycheck prisons.
The bus driver who's steering all the way into his pension.
The seamstress with mouths to feed.
The doctor who just wants to heal.
We gotta get out there and lose our jobs for all those who can't.
So nice to see you back so soon.
Well, I was feeling a tad shaggy.
You know what I I should go.
Well, I guess a man's always got time for a haircut, right? (whistling) Do you want this one? 'cause I really want this one.
I want this one.
Darn it! I'm gonna tear this place to the ground.
Hi! Better hang on to that.
You're gonna need it again real soon.
If you're finished with that, let me show you our little world.
Does that stuff burn? Yes.
You can't have it near the customers or their pets.
And those scissors, are they sharp? The sharpest in the known world.
Anyone can cut hair.
Show me your hands.
Hmm, yes.
Soft.
Delicate.
Innocent.
Like two gentle fawns fresh from the womb.
But are they old enough to prance? - You want me to wash her hair? - But of course.
How else will we know if you're right for the job? Come, Mrs.
Van Deusel awaits.
I sure hope nothing goes horribly wrong.
Uh, uh, uh.
A little less than enough is perfect.
Leave them wanting more.
(moaning) - (moaning) - Mon Dieu! We have a natural.
I'm not even telling my fingers what to do.
Oh Gimme! Hey! Oh, Belinda, I didn't know that you had company.
Hey, Mrs.
McKay.
No, my coffee maker's on the fritz so I just stopped by to fuel up.
I hope that's OK.
No.
It's perfect.
You're a man.
Ha, ha, ha! When you're not being a little girl.
Ha ha.
When a man starts paying more attention to the way he looks than to his wife, is he a cheater? OK, I can't wait to hear this.
Ma'am, my great-granddaddy was a cheater, my granddaddy was a cheater, and my daddy was a cheater.
This is why I'll never be a cheater.
I think the point there, Mom, is that all men are cheaters.
- What is this about? - Well, your dad has a bounce in his step.
He's doing up one less button on his shirt.
And the other night, he did something wild in bed.
- OK, Mom, Mommy - No, no, let's hear it.
During our marital time, I caught him looking in the mirror.
It was almost like he was making love to himself.
OK, that's really weird and super disgusting, - but it doesn't mean he's cheating on you.
- No.
(whistling) (whistling) Hey! - What's that smell? - Sandalwood.
Oh! - Where are you going? - Out.
Shinky.
Records.
Bye.
Did you see his hair? And that fancy shirt? I I I'm the fancy one in this family! OK, something is definitely going on here.
- It's OK.
- Don't touch me.
- How long is the wait for the boy? - (giggling) Looks like someone is becoming popular.
What can I say? I love what I do.
In such a short time, your hands have matured to those of a man twice your age.
I mean this as a compliment.
Of course.
Who wouldn't want the hands of a forty-year-old? (giggling) Your next customer awaits.
- I can't.
I know her.
- And soon she shall know you.
No, no, no.
I've liked her for, like, forever.
I'm not even 100% sure she knows my name.
Whisper it to her with your fingers.
Go.
Hi.
Hey! You work here? - I'd better, right? - Excellent point.
And very savvy business-wise.
A cute guy doing housewives' hair it's brilliant.
Shall we begin, madame? Please do, Monsieur Ian.
(banging) Ian! Ian! What? What are you doing? Why are you still working here? Look at all I've accomplished.
Look at all the jobs I've lost.
You make me sick.
I was just lulling them into a false sense of security.
I was gonna shave Diane Gabaldi's head.
Oh, you were gonna shave Diane Gabaldi's head? - Yeah! - You're a liar.
You sold us out.
You have a job and you like it.
- What? No, no! - I know what I saw.
It was like getting punched in both eyes at the same time.
- And my heart.
Eyes and heart.
- Fine! I admit it, I found a job that I like.
But it's not my fault.
Spoken like a true prisoner.
Has it ever occurred to you that there may be some jobs out there that are kinda cool? No, it hasn't.
But I guess this is you now, huh? Ian the hair washer? - I don't care about hair.
- Ian! Have you been using my Aqua Net? - Um - You should ask before borrowing my stuff.
And you shouldn't be borrowing my stuff! This whole place is going bonkers.
- That doesn't prove anything.
- Well, I guess I'll be going it alone from now on.
- Don't forget your name tags.
- Keep them.
Just like you're gonna keep your jarrrb.
Ugh! Lloyd, we need to talk.
OK, it's your dime.
Let's talk.
I've been looking at our bank statements, and you've been making cash withdrawals - in $2 increments.
- Oh, that.
I've been investing our money wisely in the oil industry.
Oh, OK.
How are our stocks doing? OK, sweetie, I never could lie to you.
I'm using our money to buy you an anniversary gift.
On layaway.
- But you never buy me an anniversary gift.
- I know, and you always complain about it, so this year I thought I'd buy you an anniversary gift on layaway.
So that's why you've been acting so strange? - Yes.
- Ohh! - Lloyd! - You ruined the surprise.
- Ew - But I forgive you.
Someone looks a little down in the pants Gayle, you ever done the wrong thing for the right reasons? Oh, Ian.
Many times.
Paris, Cairo a lost summer with Mr.
Dressup Anyway, I have to make a phone call.
Can you do a wash in sink three? Sure.
How would you like to play a game called "How Many Fingers?" - Uh what are you doing here? - Working.
What are you doing here? I'm just here getting my hair cut fancy.
Sort of as a gag for the guys at work.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a great gag.
OK, so I guess we're doing this.
Yeah, I guess so.
Guy washing his dad's hair, nothing too weird about that.
No.
No, OK I'm starting.
And I'm prepared.
(crying) (woman): Lloyd! Lloyd! What are you doing up there, Lloyd? (both screaming) - I can't do it.
- I can't do this either.
- What is going on here? - Him.
Lloyd, I'm so sorry.
Usually, Ian is such a professional and his hands are so soft and magical.
- No, I can't do this.
Nope.
- Nevertheless, Ian, - I'm gonna have to let you go.
- Fine.
- You may keep your name tag as a memento.
- Thanks, but I don't want it.
As for you, Lloyd, you are a valued customer.
Why, you often come in - twice, three times a week.
- I don't know if it's that often.
As compensation, I would like you to select any item you wish from the Style Shelf, and I do hope we will keep your business.
I'll take this.
But I won't be coming back.
I understand.
Then I have one last thing for you.
A sensible brush.
As strong and unbending as the man who commands it.
- Let's not tell your mom about this.
- Deal.
- Hey, guys.
- What are you doing here? Well, Mr.
McKay, if it's OK with you, I was hoping that I could spend the night tonight.
My bed's on the fritz.
- Huh? What? - Is that a Dragon? - Oh - It's not for you.
You listen to me right now.
I am the one who's supposed to have Montreal-quality hair.
You and you, you're plain! That's your thing! Turning heads is mine! This whole family is stealing my identity.
I can't take it anymore! (laughing) Oh, man.
Women, eh, fellas? - Get out of here, Gary.
- Sorry.
(laughing) - That cheered me up.
- Nice.
What is going on? Lloyd Is that what you got me on layaway? Yeah, it is.
Oh the Dragoon Dragown! I don't even know how to pronounce it! It's so fancy! Well, nothing's too fancy for my gal's hair.
Aw See, I wasn't lying.
Come on.
I'm still here.
Oh, Hammy (chuckling) Look at you, you look like a devoutly religious librarian.
What's with those pants? I can't even see what coins you have in your pocket.
Get used to it, 'cause this is my new look.
Why are you doing this? You're the one who wanted to live in a topsy-turvy world where up is down and dogs are cats and Dad's hair is styled?! - What's going on, Belinda? - If you wanna be the fancy ones, I'll just put this pocket on.
- You can wear whatever you want.
- I don't need your permission.
- I thought I said that.
(laughing) And I'll go out like this.
In public.
- Bye! - Alright, see ya.
Fine! You win.
(shuddering) I'm going to put on something adorable, because that's my thing.
And I hope you've learned your lesson! There was a lesson? I flew too close to the sun, Shink.
I learned that some jobs can make you love them even though you don't want to.
Stockholm syndrome.
I've been reading about that.
Maybe it was a cartoon I watched.
Well, never again.
Hey, what do you say we lose this job and go get some lunch? (chuckling) Hey, you can't do that here! What? I'm just doing what the sign told me.
- You're fired.
- Bingo.
Not you.
I need you for the lunch rush.
Have you seen the new Star Wars movie? Was gonna see it tomorrow with my kids, why? Darth Vader is Luke's father.
- Get out.
- (laughing) For more on Young Drunk Punk, go to citytv.
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