Young Drunk Punk (2015) s01e12 Episode Script

Rock of Seagulls

1 - - What is this? It's amazing.
This is Martyrs of the Barbecue! This is the band that I was telling you about.
I've heard they never play live because secretly they're the Clash.
- I heard they are actually from Calgary.
- No, no, no, nothing this cool ever came from Calgary.
I heard the last song ends so abruptly because that's when the drummer got murdered.
Oh, listen to that guitar solo, Shink.
Yeah, yeah, it's okay, I guess, if you're into that sort of thing.
What, are you kidding me? Barry, can I see that cassette? Wait a minute.
There's only one person I know who draws flames like this.
- Shinky? - Okay, um Kinda in-involved with that band.
- How involved? - Somewhat.
I'm not being nothing, but I'm the guitarist.
You're the lead guitarist for Martyrs of the Barbecue?! I knew you had a guitar, I didn't think you played the guitar.
- I dabble.
- Can you believe this? Yeah, it's crazy.
Hey, do you think that Shinky would let me trace his hand? Not funny.
- Hey, come on, guys.
- (Screaming) Okay, okay, you know what? Just go.
God, let me get back to my records! (rock music playing) - Shink, this is amazing! - Really not a big deal.
No big deal? This is like finding out my dad is Evel Knievel! It sounds like you've been playing for years.
Yeah, I have been.
You don't remember? We bought guitars together.
But for some reason, you took yours back.
So I started learning and practicing all the time, but I was always afraid to tell you about it.
- Why, Shink? - 'Cause I know how judgmental you can be.
Whoa, I am not judgmental.
I just have a keen sense of what's wrong with everything.
And besides, that's no excuse for not telling me about the band.
The band was over before it started.
I've got stage fright.
Every time I play in front of people, I panic, I taste pennies, then I black out.
- But you're not shy.
- When I play guitar for people, I don't know, I just, I feel emotionally naked.
Come on, Shink, just play something.
Turn around.
All the way, 360 degrees.
- Then I'd be looking at you again.
- Just close your eyes.
- Okay.
- Shink, we gotta figure out how to cure your stage fright.
I don't even care if it kills you.
Oh, it feels so good to take a few miles off my feet.
Ugh, smells like old soup in here.
- Does anyone want some news? - Oh, a visiting dignitary, the new editor of the Brae Vista View.
What's the custom here, do I bow, or curtsy, or just a sloppy kiss? Well, I do feel awful about Mr.
Olafsson and his dementia, but I feel pretty thrilled to have been chosen to take over the newsletter.
And you get my first edition.
Look.
It's time for the skunk hunt! Huh? Mm-hmm.
One day I'm peddling wigs, and the next I'm deciding what news people read.
I'm proud of you, honey.
As long as you get that dinner on the table by five o'clock.
Dinner tonight might be a late edition.
Bye! I can't believe the skunk is news.
What, Stinky's a great tradition! Every year, the first person who spots Stinky and gets a picture wins a free ham.
And this year, I'm going to win that meat.
A ham? Skunks? Listen to yourselves! You sound like some kind of never ending loop of monotony.
No, Ian, we are the thin line between anarchy and civilization.
And also, we shovel the snow.
We shovel snow, and the snow keeps falling.
It's called 'job security.
' You know what? Here's a headline for you: Shinky is an amazing guitarist and it's gonna change our lives.
Now, how is Shinky being an amazing guitarist going to change your life? Because amazingness is contagious.
Just like mediocrity.
Kid needs a good caning.
Who's got the time, Spud? You're not in high school and I'm no longer your guidance counsellor.
Yeah, but there's no such thing as guidance counsellors for adults! Yeah.
They're called bartenders.
Look, I have a real problem! You know, it might even qualify as an existential crisis.
Haven't you ever heard of the saying: 'Today is the first day of the rest of your life'? C'mon, I'm gonna need something you didn't get off the back of a Christian cereal box.
Then do something! Take a risk for once in your life.
- What risks have you ever taken? - Well, there's this project that I've been working on for the last couple of years.
It's A rock opera based on the book - Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
- Great.
Shinky's awesome at guitar.
You've got this bird play.
I guess I'm the only one who doesn't have anything.
Shinky plays guitar? Ha! So I have to pay for every plate that spills? I shouldn't get blamed for gravity! Ugh! Fine! - This is so not fair.
- So, what are today's headlines? Well, this one here is sulking, and she's upset about gravity - or something like that.
- It's not gravity.
It's work.
That cow Debbie poached my table, so I put a tiny bit of hot sauce on her false eyelashes, and who gets in trouble? - You.
- Me.
And all I want i-is just to find my purpose in life, you know, is that so much to ask for? People keep giving me dumb advice like, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
" But if today is the first day of the rest of my life, does that mean yesterday was the last day of my old life? And does the first day have to start when I get out of bed, or can the rest of my life start later in the day? It can be whatever you want it to be, dear.
Wow! Up until now, I thought advice was just stupid! Thank you! Mom, what am I good at? - Well - Ooh, that's a tough one.
You, good at? What are you good at? Uh You're good at complaining.
I mean, if you could figure out how to turn that into an industry, you'd have something going.
Wait.
To complain is to criticize, to criticize is to critique, and the first part of critique is critic.
I'll be a critic! Mom, I want to write for the newspaper.
Alright, you're on, mister.
Did we just help our children? - Wow, that's freaky.
- Yeah.
I know it sounds stupid, but all you have to do is play in front of these insanely creepy dolls.
Fine, turn around.
No peeking.
(Eerie laughter) Oh no, you poor thing! Those dead eyes those unimpressed faces - Yeah, you know what? I think he's fine.
- But I haven't had a chance to wipe the sweat off his pillowy lips yet.
No, wait.
I think I have an idea.
- I think it's working.
- Yeah, just like blinders on a horse.
I'm gonna miss seeing his cute face.
(laughing) This is too easy.
If today's the first day of the rest of my life, then why am I so hungover? A) Because you drink like a sailor, and B) It's like an inspiration thing.
It's about going after what you want.
Okay, circle the wagons, everyone.
I had to fire Delbelo today.
I found food in his pants.
What were you doing in his pants? Ha! So this means we need a new shift manager.
- Now, until we find someone - I'll do it! - I'll be shift manager.
- You? - You're cowboy eye candy.
- I'm pretty, but I'm organized.
And besides, "today is the first day of the rest of my life.
" - Okay.
You've got spirit.
- Whoo! Yay! This is the life, Spud.
Two men alone in the wilderness, matching wits with a dangerous and capricious foe.
- The skunk.
- My hands are cold.
That's good, it'll keep them awake.
Okay, here's the plan: you go flush out Stinky, and I'll stay here and win a free ham.
Eh.
Solid plan.
- I won't let you down.
- Probably won't, Spud.
- Come in, boss.
- Go for Lloyd.
- I'm trapped in the woods.
- Spud I see you, Spud.
I'll come get you.
Wow! What a really cool spot! This is really nice.
I like your jam space.
How the hell d'you get here? I told your dad that I was an army recruiter.
Anyway, the buzz on the street is that you play a pretty mean axe-guitar.
- No.
No, I don't.
- You are holding a guitar.
- There is that.
- Well, I've been working on this cool little sprawling rock opera for the past 6 years and I'm gonna need me some hot punk licks.
- Stop talking like that.
- Wait, Shink, this might be the perfect opportunity for you to play in public.
There's no pressure, because it'll probably be terrible - and no one will go.
- What's it called? - Rock of Seagulls.
- (Laughing) How dumb is that? Are you guys under the impression that I have left the room? Um Well, are you ready for your first big assignment, mister critic? Well, I was thinking about writing a review of my record collection.
Oh, well, that sounds epic.
But remember that the Brae Vista View is local news.
But I want to be a serious critic.
I want to hold up a mirror to society and make it stare itself in the face.
Can you handle the glare? I like it! It's exciting.
I've got a goose-bump.
This grey community won't know what hit it.
All I need is a target.
Well, stop the presses, because I heard that Paul Orenstein booked the Rec Centre - to do a show.
- But Shinky's playing in that show.
Reviewing your best friend I hope that's not a problem.
I'm here to review your garage sale.
Just pretend like I'm not here.
What is this? A garage sale or a garbage sale.
Baby.
One star.
Ugh! This lemonade stand really left a sour taste in my mouth.
Two stars.
Hmmm.
"Billy Sawatzky stole my binder"? This whole "I love him, I love him not" I know it's your diary, but you're kinda phoning it in.
I worked on it for a year! Well, it doesn't show.
Too obvious.
How many times a month would you say you and Mr.
Gabaldi are intimate? - Why are you asking this? - I'm writing a review.
Of your marriage.
You don't think these are a little bit harsh? Harsh? Or cutting edge? I'm a critic, Shink.
It's my calling.
It's kind of like you and your music.
Ever since you found out about my band, you've been acting a little bit weird.
I've been acting weird? You're the one eating guitar shaped cookies.
- Diane got me those.
- Why is Diane giving you cookies? Oh, come on! You're mad because I'm eating your girlfriend's cookie? - Ah! - That sounded way less dirty in my head.
- Pff! - If you're so upset, why don't you write about it? Oh, I will.
Because I'm going to write a review of your show.
Well, good! Good for you! Like a moth to a flame, that skunk will come for seeds.
- How long do we have to wait? - We wait until I win a free ham.
You know, it might take an hour, it might take a month.
I don't care, because you need patience.
You know, in the eternal struggle between man and beast, - there's - The seeds are gone, boss.
Why didn't you say something? You always yell at me for interrupting.
Okay, if that skunk wants a fight, he's got one.
Three can play at his game.
See! She doesn't even like cigarettes.
She just took up smoking so she can get an extra break.
If I tell her to send some tip money your way, - will you leave me alone? - Yes.
Oh, and the dishwashers don't feel like washing dishes anymore.
(gasping) If you break one more plate, I'm gonna come in that kitchen and shove a ladle so far up your Hey, Miss Manager, I need you to go manage table 5 for me.
Come sit with me, baby.
- Shouldn't he be wearing a shirt? - Customer's always right.
Come sit with me, baby.
Like the garbage on the beach Our dreams we can reach We can fly so high We can touch the sky in the night In the dark In the light Seagull baby boy! So, what did you think? Well, um, for a rock opera, there's not really that much rock.
And there's even less opera, don't you think? - It's terrible, isn't it? - No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying.
It's it's complicated.
Complicated? That's exactly what I was going for! It's ready! And just to think I kept my rock opera, like, hidden away in my heart for the last 9 years! Wow.
All because I was afraid of being judged.
That is perfect.
Ian's gonna be reviewing the show and I was a little bit nervous, so Ian is gonna be reviewing my life work? - Hi, is Ian here? - Ian? Our high school guidance counsellor is here, - for some reason.
- Well, lookee lookee here, huh! Me showing up at your door, for a change.
Anyway, the reason why I'm here is because I never got you anything for your graduation, so I wanted to give you a subscription to Creem Magazine.
Thank you, but I can't accept that.
I won't be bribed into giving your rock opera a good review.
This is not a bribe, this is just something that I'm giving you so that you'll be nice to me.
Okay, fine, don't take it.
But you should really think about how your writing affects other people.
Why should I take writing advice from a high school guidance counsellor? I struggled for 11 years writing this rock opera.
That is more writing than you have ever done, kid.
Then I guess tomorrow night we'll see if that 11 years was well spent.
And what about your partner in crime, Shinky? You going to skewer him, too? Hm? - This interview is over! - Interview? I still don't understand - why I can't use this coupon.
- Well, it's from Caesar's Steak House which is a different restaurant.
And it expired in 1974.
My husband is a World War II vet and he served with pride.
So I don't see why you can't serve me with pride.
Can you help me out here? You wanted to be in charge, so this is your problem.
Oh, and that kid at table 9 is sending back his food.
Everyone throws up once in a while, honey.
It's the who's who of Brae Vista out there.
I think the word got out.
My band is here.
How did they know about this? How does anybody know about this? It's called Rock of Seagulls, for God sakes! I came up with that name.
I don't think I can do this.
It's too bad the tickets are free.
We can't demand our money back.
A Martyrs of the Barbecue t-shirt? Did you come here to watch me review, or watch him play? - Can't I do both? - Why did you bake him cookies? Because he's your friend.
I baked you cookies too, little typewriter shaped ones.
I left them with your dad.
- Come in, boss.
- Go for Lloyd.
It's happening, sir.
Stinky has been spotted.
We're actually gonna see the Martyrs' guitarist in the flesh! I heard he plays with his tongue.
- He could play me with his tongue.
- Excuse me, could you keep it down? Some of us are here on assignment.
Ready when you are.
- I think I'm feeling okay.
- Give me your towel.
What? No, don't try to inspire me right now.
No, no, no, I need it.
- What are you talking about? - Taking risks is for the young! (Applause) - (heart beating loudly) - Does anyone else taste pennies? (laughing) (creepy laughter) I think Shinky's broken.
Ian! This would be a great story for the paper! - But that's my best friend.
Exactly.
- Isn't he your only friend? I have an idea.
Come with me.
This is a weird show.
- (gasping excitedly) - There he is, Spud.
This is just like the time I saw Frank Sinatra Jr.
This is what success tastes like, huh? It's gonna taste like ham! Ha, ha, ha! Bit nervous.
I taste ham! - Ah! I know, Spud! - Boss, the lights went out.
Get back here, skunk! It's not over till I say it's over! (honking, crushing sound) It's over.
Ahhhh.
What's going on? (cheering and whooping) Can you believe we're seeing the very first - Martyrs of the Barbecue concert? - It's cool.
And just so we're clear, I don't love Shinky.
I just like his music.
And you're the one - that got me into music.
- I guess you're right.
Heh, heh, heh! Heh, heh! Mom do you think we only get one first day of the rest of our life? Well I think you can have as many as you need.
Good.
I'm gonna start over again.
Right now.
"To my loyal readers, who have been with me "from the beginning, two weeks ago.
"This is my final article, "for I've realized that there are much braver endeavours "than writing a review of a puppy.
"One of the bravest things occurred when older newcomer, "Paul Orenstein, sacrificed his very promising rock opera so that the Martyrs of the Barbecue could make their debut.
" Hey, boss.
Can I buy you a drink? Don't mind if I do.
"Courageous acts inspire all of us "to act courageously "And the biggest inspiration on this night came from my friend and hero, Archibald Shinky, who stood up to his fears and showed us what rock and roll is all about.
" - Man, that's a great review.
- Thank you.
- When does it go to print? - It's not.
We got bumped for a bigger story.
So you're sure you didn't see anything? No, just one of those tragic freak accidents that happen just before a person gets there.
At least you won the ham.
At least I won the ham.
Of course, the real reason why I didn't go on stage wasn't because of fear; it was because I was afraid of scaring the audience with my art.
But I believe that this piece right here, this is a lot more accessible.
Ian, would you mind reading that narration for me? - Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
Some say he was an outlaw.
Some say he just plain stunk.
To them I say, he was born that way 'cause Stinky was a skunk Stinky was a skunk and he owned the night In our dull grey world He was black and white Stinky sprayed the stink of truth Stinky sprayed Just like a knife Stinky sprayed the voice of youth 'Cause today is the first day Of the rest of your life