Young Sheldon (2017) s05e16 Episode Script

A Suitcase Full of Cash and a Yellow Clown Car

1 Previously on Young Sheldon Apparently, the football boosters think I'm not doing my job.
You know you're gonna have to talk to them, right? - Yes.
- Maybe I should come.
I'm not gonna insult their children.
You sure? Okay, come.
I got a question.
Go ahead, Roy.
What in the hell were you thinking punting with a minute 24 on the clock? Meeting's over.
There it is.
The Cooper Surrender.
The Cooper Surrender.
Guess what, I'm buying a laundromat.
So there's a secret back room at the laundromat where you gamble? Give me a sense for how illegal this is.
Who says it's illegal? Well, why is it a secret? Okay, it's illegal.
Today I thought we could talk about relationships, so I've invited my lovely wife Amy to help.
Thanks for letting me join in.
Are you jealous when I do this without you? - No.
- Because one of the most common sources of conflict in relationships is jealousy.
Now, Amy, did you know jealousy is triggered in the left part of the cerebral cortex? I'm sorry, are you about to explain neuroscience to your wife, the Nobel Prize-winning neuroscientist? - Yes.
Jealous? - I'll tell you when there isn't - a microphone in front of us.
- Ooh, mystery.
That'll keep a relationship on its toes.
Your bathroom schedule is on the refrigerator.
We have no mystery.
Moving on, physical intimacy.
I believe I said "physical intimacy," which can pose another challenge in relationships.
Especially when one partner doesn't want to be intimate as frequently as the other.
Ooh, who are we talking about? Don't tell me.
Let the mystery continue.
Just read the next one.
Money is a frequent source of conflict in a relationship.
Thankfully that's never been a problem for us.
Says the woman who took away my comic book allowance.
To start a college fund for our children.
Comic books are an investment.
There are better places to invest our money than that weird wolf man you like.
His name is Wolverine and you know it.
Okay we're off on a tangent.
I'm taking over.
Money can be a source of conflict in a relationship, even having too much.
Wh Hey, this is my story.
I know.
Jealous? I need to show you something.
- Okay.
- Now, don't freak out.
Well, that's not helping.
The gambling room's doing well.
I can see that, Scarface.
But why is it here? Well, I can't exactly take it down to the bank.
- Why not? - They'd bust me for money laundering.
Well, it's small bills.
Tell them you're a stripper.
It's $14,000.
Well, tell them you're a good stripper.
Grandmas love to spoil their grandchildren.
Especially when the grandma has a suitcase full of cash she doesn't know what to do with.
- Whoa.
- Oh, my.
Did you mean to give us ten dollar bills? Because these are hundreds.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
I know it's a lot, but why not see you enjoy it while I'm still around? Ooh, there's an inheritance, too? Well, depends on how you treat me in my golden years.
I'm not interested in your money, Meemaw.
You're pretty and I love you.
Now, don't you have something to say to me? - Thank you.
- I'm rich.
So, how you holding up? What does that mean? Nothing.
What? There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just gonna say it.
I was at a meeting last night with the boosters.
Without me? They might've thought that would be uncomfortable, seeing as it was about you.
About me how? Well, they were floating the idea of me being head coach next year.
What the hell, Wayne? I didn't know what it was gonna be about.
Well, what did you tell them? Look, I want you to keep your job.
Well, then tell them you're not interested.
But if you're not gonna keep your job, I want your job.
Really? You want to spend your days coaching lazy kids and getting yelled at by their parents? Come on, George.
Don't forget the dirty looks after you lose, like you're the one that fumbled on the three-yard line.
That's the job you want? It's called coaching, George.
I mean, how could Wayne stab me in the back like this? I don't think Wayne stabbed you in the back.
Can you please just agree with me? Sorry.
So, what happens now? I don't know.
I guess I wait and see if I'm fired.
Well, if that happens, you can always get another job.
Medford has one high school.
Another job could mean moving.
But our roots are here.
My mom is here.
So, moving's got its upsides.
Didn't Sheldon's college talk to you about coaching there once? That's right, they did.
And you know the president - pretty well now.
- I do.
And they're used to losing, so it's low pressure.
Thank you.
You have a calculator I can borrow? Yes, but I'm using it.
No, you're not.
Why do you need a calculator? I'm trying to figure out what to spend my money on.
What are you gonna do with yours? I'm glad you asked.
I'm dipping my toe in the exciting world of the stock market by purchasing three shares - of RadioShack.
- Why? Well, as a shareholder, I'll be partial owner of my very favorite company.
See, when companies go public, they sell shares of stock I'll just buy my own calculator.
Thank you for seeing me, President Hagemeyer.
Of course.
My door is open to all Coopers.
Even Alice Cooper, who I've always found oddly sexy.
Don't think we're related, but if I meet him, I'll let him know.
So, what can I do for you? When y'all were first recruiting Sheldon, you offered me a chance to head up your football program.
And you turned us down.
I was right in the middle of rebuilding Medford's team, but now, I'm ready for a new challenge.
Well, Mr.
Cooper Please, call me Coach.
Oh, and this just occurred to me, but, uh, if I were here, I could help keep an eye on Sheldon, take some of the burden off you.
Oh, your son is no burden.
He's a pain in the ass, ma'am.
You can say it.
- Well, whether he is or he isn't - He is.
we don't have a football team anymore.
What? You're a university in Texas.
We are a science-focused university.
But you got that whole stadium.
Well, we still have soccer.
What-what about Texas A&M? Pretty sure they have a football program.
Yeah, if that doesn't work, maybe I'll try the Cowboys.
Hey, reach for the stars.
George? Hey, Dale.
Surprised to see you here.
Are you? Not even a little.
You ever hear of a Texas college that only plays soccer? Can I get a beer first before we start with the hard questions? I went to Sheldon's college for a possible coaching gig.
They don't even have a team anymore.
So you're looking for a new job? Something like that.
Well, there's plenty of teams out there.
Yeah, but I'm starting to think it's gonna be the same BS wherever I go.
That's how I feel about life.
Wherever I go Yeah.
You ever think about doing something different? Well, I played football, I coach football, I watch a lot of football.
So unless sitting here becomes a job How about selling footballs? You mean, like, at your store? Yeah.
I could always use the help.
I'm not looking for a handout.
That's not what this is.
I'd love to have more time off.
And it could be nice to have someone at the store who I could trust.
Well, thanks, uh I'll think about it.
Well, don't thank me, I'm just taking advantage of your crappy situation.
How do you know I'm not taking advantage of yours? Because I'm a very successful businessman, and you're sitting here in the middle of the day.
Well, you're here, too.
You were here first.
I'd only been a shareholder for one day and I was already reveling in the giddy thrill in being part owner of a thriving tech company.
Hello, RadioShack.
Sheldon Cooper, shareholder.
I just wanted to let you know I'm so excited to be part of the team.
While I sound young, rest assured, I'm far more intelligent than my age would imply.
So if there's anything I can do to help, budgeting, product design, finding a word more impressive than "shack," I'm your man.
My sister had taken a different path with her money.
What is that? - It's a cotton candy machine.
- Why? It's a machine that makes free cotton candy.
It's not free, you paid for it.
Meemaw paid for it.
And it's still better than lame stocks.
You're going to end up with a stomach ache while I get to be part of America's favorite electronics retailer.
Really? George is gonna work at your store? Yeah, well, he's gonna give it a try on nights and weekends, see if he likes it.
And what if he does? Well, hopefully, I can start stepping back.
To do what? Well, I got money in the bank, and you got some in a suitcase.
Well, we could put it together, we could travel, we could buy a vacation home.
Well, I can't just up and leave.
I mean, I got the gambling room.
Georgie can take care of that, and besides, what's the use of having all that money and not enjoying it? I guess.
God, we could go to Mexico and get a cabana and spend days on the beach.
And our nights on the toilet? Yeah, doesn't sound half bad.
What's up? I figured out you can put all kinds of candy in the machine.
Try this.
Why is it brown? It's butterscotch from Meemaw's candy bowl.
I think that candy's older than you.
Doesn't taste like it.
Not bad.
I'm gonna bring a bunch to school.
How much you gonna charge for it? Nothing.
They're my friends.
You think Ronald McDonald let his friends eat for free? Ronald McDonald isn't real.
The point is, you shouldn't give this away for free.
How much would I even charge? Hmm.
How about 50 cents? They only cost me, like, two cents to make.
Yeah, but you're not factoring in your time and the cost of the machine you bought and the value of the brainpower it took to think of butterscotch cotton candy.
No one else thought of putting old-lady candy in a cotton candy machine.
Why should they get it for free? Welcome to business.
Thank you for having me.
While my sister was starting her business, I was trying to save mine.
Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper.
May I speak to CEO John Roach, please? It's regarding our stock taking a small dip, and I'd like to hear his game plan.
Well, I'm busy, too, but I made the time to call.
Fine, may I please speak to your COO? CFO? CTO? Hello? Oh, no, t-these are great shoes, but at his age, he's gonna grow out of them before you hit the parking lot.
These are just as good, and they're gonna save you a little money.
Thank you.
Take them up to the counter, I'll be right there to ring them up.
You realize you're on commission, don't you? You know what you never grow out of? Socks.
I'm gonna grab you some socks.
How about some wristbands? Hey.
What are you doing here? I came to take you to dinner.
Really? Uh, I'll grab my keys.
No need.
I'll drive tonight.
But you might want to grab a jacket.
Riding along in my automobile You actually bought this thing? It's fun, huh? I feel like I'm riding in a banana.
Oh, come on.
It's a beautiful day.
The top is down.
Feel that wind.
Yeah, I feel the wind.
I just can't feel my feet.
Well, put your seat back.
If I put it any further back, I'd be in the trunk.
Starting to wish I hadput you in the trunk.
What are you doing now? Keeping the bugs out of my mouth.
Mom, savor this moment.
Can you take me to church? Uh, I'm a little busy.
- Can it wait? - No.
I've come up with a plan to bolster RadioShack's market share, and I need to fax it to corporate.
I'll tell you what, I'll take it with me in the morning and do it then.
But our stock is in a slump, and CompUSA is nipping at our heels.
If you really want to be helpful, you could set the table.
Why should I help you with your job if you won't help me with mine? - Sheldon.
- This is important.
My plan is to turn RadioShack into a shopping destination, a megastore complete with restaurants and games and electronics.
Kind of like Six Flags, except with less screaming and vomit.
I'm not taking you.
How can I be a business tycoon if my mommy won't drive me places? George? Roy.
You work here now? Yeah, just nights and weekends since you and the boosters are gunning for my neck.
Hey, it's nothing personal.
Mm, good to know.
I'll be sure to tell the bank that has my mortgage.
How many losing seasons are we supposed to put up with before we make a change? Frankly, I'm surprised you lasted this long.
You're lucky I'm working right now.
I ain't here to cause trouble.
Something I can help you with? Just a little fishing tackle.
Follow me.
We're gonna dance tonight.
Want to share a pitcher of margaritas? Oh, something we can both enjoy? That doesn't sound like you.
I'm sorry, what? Don't worry about it.
What, you-you just gonna sit there and pout and not tell me? I was talking about us traveling together, and instead, you went out and bought a yellow clown car.
You're the one who told me to go out and have fun with my money.
I meant something fun for us.
Why us? It's my money.
You made that perfectly clear.
It's just a car.
It's not just a car.
I think you got scared.
Scared of what? I was talking about our future, and you panicked.
I think I've got a successful business and my own money and you can't handle it.
Oh, really? Yeah.
What can I get started for you? Actually, I think we're leaving.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'll have the enchiladas.
So, I said 70 cents for one or two for a dollar, and everyone bought two.
People love a deal.
I know.
I sold out.
- Then you got to start charging more.
- How much more? Just raise the price a little at a time until you see your profits top out.
I'm learning, but it's fun.
This is weird.
What do you mean, he hasn't read my fax? Is he aware I'm a shareholder? Well, where's the next shareholders' meeting? Fort Worth? I could barely get my mom to drive me to church.
- Think they'd pay a dollar apiece? - Sure.
Just tell them it's a special limited edition.
People go nuts for that.
Like the Shamrock Shake.
Every year, I'm like, "This tastes like toothpaste.
" But every year, I buy it.
Well, I'll just tell you, then.
Imagine an electronics megastore.
Actually, "mega" doesn't cut it.
Imagine an electronics yottastore.
It's ten to the 24th power.
No, don't put me on hold.
So, you weren't returning my calls.
Uh, it's been kind of crazy around here today.
So, I was thinking about what you were saying last night.
You know, you could've just said, "I don't want to travel.
" You're picturing a future where we slow down, and I'm just getting going.
Well, I've been going for 40 years.
When George started talking about taking over the store, I-I I saw a way out.
Then do it.
I don't want to do it without you, dummy.
Well, then you're gonna have to wait a little.
I don't think I can do that.
What are you saying? You know I love you, right? I love you, too.
But we're done.
And the river's wild And high And sometimes low.
My mother would say money is the root of all evil.
But she also said that aboutThe Simpsons.
I say money is just a medium of exchange, a way of transforming something into something else.
My meemaw bought a sports car and transformed a relationship in the process.
My sister transformed her money into a thriving business that was eventually shut down due to an infestation.
And for a brief moment, I became part of my dream company.
Fun fact: later that year, RadioShack did open a megastore called Incredible Universe.
Turned out the only thing incredible about it was how quickly it closed down.

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