Younger (2015) s05e09 Episode Script

Honk if You're Horny

1 [CHEERFUL POP MUSIC] I hope you like cacio e pepe.
I love it, and I love that you can cook.
I know four recipes, and they all fall under the header: easy dinners for kids.
- [CHUCKLES] How are the girls? - Uh, they’re good.
They’re, um, with their mom in her new apartment.
- Is it nearby? - Yes.
Certainly cheaper to have a wife abandon you than one back in town divorcing you.
But I will spare you the details.
Will this help? So much.
If you need me, I am going to be in the study finishing a manuscript.
- What manuscript? - Uh, Calvin Crigger, the editor from Penguin, wrote a book.
I thought he left the business.
He did for rehab.
The book’s a literary memoir about his drug addiction.
Like "Permanent Midnight" or the "The Night of the Gun," only set in the world of book publishing.
Sounds interesting.
All right, I will come get you when dinner’s ready.
The recipe says 20 minutes so, uh, - give me an hour.
- [LAUGHS] No rush.
I like those.
They’re for reading.
They are very, very sexy.
Wait till you see the ones I wear for night driving.
[CHUCKLES] Make me dinner! All right, beauties, I’ve held you all in suspense long enough.
As Kelsey’s publicist - You’re not my publicist.
- Ignore the drunk blonde and raise your glass because you, Kelsey Peters, are going to be honored as this year’s maverick at the "Glamour" Women of the Year Awards.
- Ah, wow.
- Wow! - Very nice.
- Yes.
What? Wait, are you kidding me? Nope.
Who’s your publicist now? Oh, my God! That’s so awesome, Kelsey.
And each recipient gets introduced by another inspiring woman who’s also at the top of her game, and Kelsey’s going to be introduced by Maggie Amato.
Allison Janney! Oh! I love Allison Janney.
- I mean, she’s no Maggie Amato.
- Hey.
Oh, my God.
Okay, wait, how did this happen? Well, I’m really good at my job, and so are you.
Honestly, dude, it was an easy sell.
Thank you.
[SQUEALS] I’m happy to help, and I’ll be even happier once you put me on retainer.
It’s a conversation for later, but Mm-hmm.
I like the way you move The way you make me feel alive Talk it up, text, and killin’ time Laugh until we cry [BELLOWS LOUDLY] [BOTH SIGH] Okay.
Well that must have been good.
It was.
I can always tell.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
You make this little honk.
Actually, it’s not little.
It’s pretty big.
But don’t worry.
These pre-war buildings have very thick walls.
[CHUCKLES] You make noise too, you know.
Oh, I’m not complaining.
Me neither.
- Aw, we missed you - last night at drinks.
- Yeah.
Sorry, but I did finish the Crigger book.
- And? - It’s really, really good.
I mean, it’s dark, but it has these really honest - and funny moments too.
- Yeah.
I agree, but I know the writer, and he’s not only an addict but also an asshole.
Well, I could edit the book.
I mean, I have experience with addicts and assholes, and it doesn’t need that much work.
I know, but any work with this guy is gonna be a challenge.
Plus, the book is small.
It could get some buzz if we push really hard.
But we have Quinn Tyler coming in.
- I know.
I am so excited.
- Exactly.
A self-made billionaire with an amazing Instagram following.
The book’s guaranteed to be huge.
I’m passing.
- Okay.
- [LINE TRILLING] House of Redmond.
Hi, handsome.
- It’s Kelsey.
- Hi, Kelsey.
Hey, uh, we finished the Crigger book.
Amazing, right? I tell people that reading it is like getting cut by glass.
It’s fast, it’s deep, and the pain stays with you for days.
We’re passing.
Whoopsie, I think we have a bad connection.
I think I just heard you say you’re passing.
We’re on a landline.
You heard correctly.
This book is gonna win awards.
And Calvin specifically wants to go with Millennial because of the Reese Witherspoon connection.
A lot of people do.
That’s why we’re being choosey.
Oh, okay.
Well, I guess I have to go figure out how to crush the dreams of my client now.
Your publicist called.
- She wants to meet with me.
- Your publicist? It’s Lauren, and you don’t have to meet with her.
I’m sure she’s just calling about the "Glamour" award.
Who’s getting a "Glamour" award? Me.
Well, congratulations.
You certainly have the hair for it.
Oh, my gosh! Kelsey, that’s amazing.
Thank you.
I don’t know any of the logistics yet, but I would love for both of you to be there.
- Absolutely.
- I bet Lauren wants Empirical to buy a table at the event.
That’s always the rope with these awards.
I don’t know what she wants.
She thinks you’re cool.
She’s probably just looking for an excuse to have a drink with you.
One drink.
I do have a personal life these days.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] See you tonight.
You will now.
So, as you can see, I am raising Kelsey’s profile and therefore the profile of the company she works for.
Are you gonna ask me to buy a table at these awards or not? Oh, diva, you get to buy a table, and I’d go with the biggest and the best.
You of all people should take full advantage - of this opportunity.
- And why is that? Because you’ve got the "it" factor.
That is why I wanted to meet with you.
What Grace Coddington was to "Vogue," Diana Trout could be to Empirical.
I mean, yes, - if I wanted that.
- Why wouldn’t you want that? I could get your profile on W.
I could get you a reality show.
A fragrance.
We could call it Trout.
Nix that, too fishy.
I could even get you a man, Diana.
Or a woman.
I don’t want to assume.
I have a man.
In fact, he’s gonna pick me up here in a few minutes.
Unfortunately, the job you want doesn’t exist, and while it is lovely to be called diva, that’s the only value add you bring to the table.
Ouch, diva.
I like you, but I don’t need you.
Hey, hun.
Lauren Heller, this is my boyfriend, Enzo.
He is a small business owner in the city.
- Plumber.
- Plumber.
Enzo, hi.
You look so familiar.
- Have have we met before? - I don’t know.
If you’ve ever had a backup or a clog, there’s a good chance.
I meet a lot of people around bull Okay, we should get going.
I will think about that table.
Please do, diva.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC] I don’t think I need my glasses, but I might need a flashlight.
True, but, um, no one can see me do this.
Tall girl.
What, uh, are you doing here? I live on the Upper East Side.
Please don’t tell anyone.
It’s the only way I can escape the gays.
[FORCED CHUCKLE] This is Dell, my trainer.
So what are you two doing here? Oh, uh, I’m here.
Um, uh, alone.
This is where I come to read.
And Liza was just dropping something off.
Yes, I was, um I was just bringing Mr.
Brooks, um, this manuscript.
[CLEARS THROAT] - Thank you.
- You’re welcome.
The Calvin Crigger manuscript? But our mean little friend, Kelsey, already passed on that.
What? Uh, why are you having me read something that we passed on? I thought I liked it.
But Redmond’s right.
Kelsey passed.
So, um, I am really sorry to be wasting your time.
Goodnight, Liza.
I’m sorry.
I promised no work.
[CLEARS THROAT] - Enjoy your meal.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Don’t set the fish down.
Just take it take it back.
Take it.
Thank you.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES] I have a few minutes.
Dell’s doing Whole 30.
It takes him a while to analyze the menu.
I think I know what Liza was doing here.
She believes in this book, and she was trying to push it.
Well, uh, Kelsey passed.
She must have had her reasons.
Because she doesn’t like Calvin.
She’s letting her personal feelings get in the way of work.
This book is one of the best I’ve read.
It’s gonna win awards.
You think Dorothy Parker was nice, or Truman Capote was easy to work with? Well, maybe it’s something that Empirical could consider.
No, no bueno.
It has to be Millennial.
Empirical is like the BlackBerry of publishing, no offense.
People don’t want the old clickity-click.
They want facial recognition and cute emojis.
[CHUCKLES] You came here to read.
Just that’s it.
[WOMAN MOANING ON VIDEO] - Okay, do you see that guy? - Yeah.
Yeah, the one with his schlong out? Yeah, how could we miss him? That is Diana’s boyfriend.
- No.
- Shut up.
Diana as in Liza’s boss Diana? Yes, dude.
I met him the other day, and I thought he looked really familiar.
And then suddenly last night it came to me, pun intended.
He was in the first porn I ever saw.
- I can’t watch that.
- No, no, no, just wait.
Wait wait one second.
[MOANING] [BELLOWS] - [ALL YELL] - Oh, my God! Holy shit.
Yo, that was primal.
I know, I know, for the longest time I thought that all men came like geese.
Ugh, poor Diana.
Oh, maybe he just made that noise for the film.
- [MOCKINGLY] For the film.
- [BOTH LAUGH] I wonder if Diana knows about this.
There is an easy way to find out.
- I’ll just show her this.
- No.
You can’t.
What kind of publicist would I be if I didn’t? [UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC] [ELEVATOR DINGS] Quinn is one of only 17 female self-made billionaires in the United States, and what is crazy is that she doesn’t even have a business degree.
Well, she’ll be here at 10:00 a.
, so that gives you five minutes to find me coffee and 25 minutes to get a hold of yourself.
- [CHUCKLES] - Oh, and, um, about the "Glamour" Awards, I told your publicist Oh.
You can just call her Lauren.
I told her to get us the biggest table at the event.
Really? Thanks.
Let’s do it now before you change your mind.
Why would I change my mind? No reason.
- Well, she’s in a good mood.
- Yeah.
[WHISPERS] She’s getting laid by a professional.
I’m sending over the Crigger contract tout suite.
[CHUCKLES] Nice try, Redmond.
We passed, remember? I bumped into Charles at dinner last night, and, uh, long story short, he read the manuscript and according to the email he sent me this morning, Millennial’s buying it.
I’ll forward.
[DARK MUSIC] Did you get it? - Hey, Quinn’s on her way up.
- Can you shut the door? Uh, Redmond just called.
Charles bought the Crigger book for Millennial.
He read it.
How did he even get it? I gave it to him.
Why would you do that? I passed.
I know, I know.
I told him that.
- I’m so sorry, Kels.
- I don’t understand.
We were having dinner at this restaurant, and Redmond walked in.
And we both panicked.
And I had the Crigger manuscript in my bag, so we we just pretended like I was dropping it off.
You were having dinner with Charles? - Sort of.
- Why? I thought he was barely speaking to you.
I’ve been trying to repair things with him.
And I may have repaired things too well.
How long have you two been "repairing" things with each other? Not that long.
It just started.
We don’t even know what it is.
I know what it is, and it’s a big problem for me.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR] Quinn is waiting.
It’s hard to get to the top, but people don’t like hearing that.
They want to think opportunity is just there and you can either lean in and take it or not.
I don’t know about you, but I have had to create my own opportunities and put myself first.
I didn’t get into the Three-Comma Club by helping other people realize their dreams.
That’s not exactly the rallying cry I expected.
Rallies don’t work.
The hard truth is that this whole idea of sisterhood is actually holding women back.
Men get ahead because they’re looking out for themselves.
Women are behind because they’re looking out for everyone else.
Not all women.
But at the point where one woman is looking out for themselves, then we all need to be.
What’s wrong with being out for yourself? It’s not as satisfying, especially when you’re building something great with someone else.
Okay, think about it this way.
No one wants your success as much as you want it.
- Your friends do.
- Do they? "Claw" isn’t a book about friendship.
It’s a book about getting ahead in business.
Right, and in business sometimes the people you think are your friends are actually your biggest competitor.
- Exactly.
- That’s not true.
I wish it wasn’t.
I’m gonna run and leave you to discuss this.
Um, Kelsey, I’ll see you at the "Glamour" Awards.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Well, I don’t know if that was feminist or anti-feminist, but that book is gonna sell.
Why don’t you two go figure out what we can actually offer Quinn.
I’ll do it.
[SOFT MUSIC] Do you have a second? Yeah, of course.
I actually wanted to talk to you about the Calvin Crigger book.
I know you bought it for Millennial.
I did.
I think it’s the kind of literary memoir that we should take a chance on.
You’re probably right.
But then there’s the Quinn Tyler book, which is also the kind of book that I think we should take a chance on.
And that’s gonna be close to seven figures.
I don’t think that we can afford that, Kelsey.
What if I got Liza to ask you? Over dinner? Or after dinner? Let me know.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] You look great.
So do you.
You told Kelsey we were together.
You bought the Crigger book.
We need to talk.
After the awards.
This is big.
I’m a little nervous.
Yeah, that is because you refused to take Adderall.
I am laser-focused and mildly euphoric.
You want me to tickle your arm? - No.
- [GASPS] Oh, my God.
Eva Chin, Instagram high priestess.
Hi, I’m Lauren Heller, publicist.
This is Kelsey Peters, maverick.
Hi, I’ve heard about your book.
Congratulations on the award.
That’s amazing.
Yeah, well, I specialize in all things amazing.
- Hm.
- Oh, uh, you two chat.
Talk me up, okay? I love you.
Miss Trout.
Miss Heller.
There’s something I need you to see.
Come with me.
- [MOANING] - That could be anybody.
It’s grainy and - [BELLOWS] - Oh, that’s him.
- Yep.
I know.
- Enzo does porn.
Did porn.
This is the only one I could find.
- And believe you me, I scoured.
- I don’t understand.
Oh, well, I’m a bit of a porn connoisseur.
My favorites are vintage and short-form narrative.
And this one has that sweet spot of vintage - with a narrative - I don’t understand why Enzo would do this.
Oh, I don’t know, but you don’t have to worry.
- It’s been taken care of.
- You got it off? Down? I did, yeah.
Except for one copy.
- Thank you, diva.
- Anytime, diva.
- I’ll call you.
- I know.
This is quite an event.
It is.
I want you to know that Calvin Crigger wanted to work with Millennial so badly he is basically doing the book for free.
He always was desperate.
Also, I am giving you the money for "Claw.
" Because I believe in your judgement.
Thank you, Charles.
I will make that book a best-seller.
I know.
And also, going forward, what I do in this company and in my life is my business.
Because it is my business.
Understood? Understood.
So I guess I should thank you.
I got the money for the Quinn Tyler book.
You going behind my back actually worked out.
I did not go behind your back.
I would never do that.
I wanted to come clean, and you stopped me, remember that? I am lying for us because I want you to succeed as much as you do.
But the problem is that I love two people.
Charles and I, we’re just trying to see if we can make this work.
But you have had my back since the day I started, and I have had yours.
So if you are asking me to choose between the two of you, I choose you.
Excuse me.
I need to, um, steal our little maverick for a second.
Come on, like now.
Right now.
Okay, so don’t panic, but Allison Janney just cancelled.
So, um, we need to find someone else right now.
This doesn’t just affect tonight, Kelsey.
- It affects the press release.
- Kelsey.
Charles told me the good news.
What? That Allison Janney’s here? I’m just kidding.
I know she’s not.
Well, it was a great offer, but for me, it’s not about the money.
I just I really want to do the book with Millennial.
That’s amazing.
You know, tonight I am getting the maverick award.
I would be honored if you would introduce me.
I think you should be the maverick you are and accept the award on your own.
Um, but you know, every other woman is having someone introduce them, but yeah, I could see how that is also cool.
I got it.
[CHUCKLES] Thank you, Quinn.
A maverick is an independent person who blazes their own path.
There are women who got to where they are without needing help, and I admire them.
But I am not one of them.
I am very lucky to not be running Millennial on my own.
I have an amazing partner.
Who should be up here with me.
A partnership like ours is rare and sometimes challenging, but we never stand in each other’s way, personally or professionally, because we know that we are better together.
So thank you, "Glamour", for this award on behalf of myself and Liza Miller.
[APPLAUSE] I was starting a business.
I needed money, and it was so long ago.
No one ever even saw it, then the internet got invented and Haven’t you ever done anything stupid? I married a gay man.
Diana, I hate that you saw that.
But I’m not in my 20s.
I’m in my 40s.
I come with baggage like everyone else.
I know how you come.
And it’s not like anyone else.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] [UPLIFTING POP MUSIC] I’m chasing wind, I’m losing ground Hey, hold on.
I’m an inch from the edge And want to come down Hi.
Seems like you two are going to be okay.
We are.
But you should know, Kelsey is a priority of mine.
I get it.
I just don’t want to wait any longer to be with you.
I feel the same way.
But there’s just a lot on the table right now with my divorce, with Empirical, so for now, it’s important that no one else knows about us.
I understand.
But keeping this relationship a secret, it’s not gonna be easy.
Nothing worth having comes easy.
I’m not giving up Oh, whoa, oh, whoa It’s not over, it’s not over yet Oh, whoa I’m not finished yet