Younger (2015) s06e05 Episode Script

Stiff Competition

1 [UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC.]
There's Maureen Dowd.
And Colson Whitehead! I've never been to one of these National Arts Club parties.
Draws an impressive crowd.
As long as you have an open bar, you'll attract every writer in town.
Speaking of.
Michael.
- Charles, nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.
Um, let me give you this.
Oh, Mercury.
Feisty move, competing with your own company.
Feisty isn't the F word I would choose.
Michael Cunningham, Liza Miller.
- My, uh girlfriend.
- And editor at Millennial.
Competition is good for business.
It keeps us on our toes and keeps you, the writer, at the center.
- We should lock in a meeting.
- We should.
- Have a lovely evening.
- Bye.
Wow, lock in a meeting.
[LAUGHS.]
You will never steal him away from Macmillan, but nice try.
- You're enjoying this.
- Maybe I am.
What choice do I have? Be mad at you or be better.
Ah.
A couple of A-listers in this club.
Lucky I brought my A-game then.
Let the games begin.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Locked one in for me.
Feeling locked out? [SCOFFS.]
Oh, Meg Wolitzer, Charles Brooks.
My boyfriend.
Hi, Megan.
Charles, it is great to see you.
Congrats on everything.
Mercury is killing it.
Thank you, Meg.
We're enjoying being the new kids on the block.
Very new.
When did you get these printed? Yesterday? Have you printed any books yet? Uh, you want to get a picture? Sure.
Caption that, "New York Times best-selling author "Meg Wolitzer, Millennial editor, Liza Miller, and guest.
" We'd we'd love to lock in a meeting.
We've already locked in lunch.
- Hi, would you excuse me? - Of course.
Just pretend you're talking to me.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Oh, from Zane.
Mercury is featured in "New York Mag" 's Approval Matrix as high-brow/brilliant.
Millennial is on there, too.
We are? As what? I'm low-brow! Because of all the authors leaving Millennial, I am at the bottom - of the four quadrants.
- Don't read into it.
It's just a pop culture hot or not list.
Charles is hot and I'm not? Well, it is a good picture of him.
- No one reads this thing.
- Did you see this, Kelsey? Your decapitated head is hovering between low-brow and despicable right next to Disney live action remakes and nude restaurants.
- Yeah, I saw it, Diana.
- And how unflattering.
Crop you right at your chin.
A head without a neck is like a kite without a string.
Just a floating tragedy.
Let's focus on these two heads.
Hayley and Cameron Butler.
I love them.
Everybody does.
"New York Flip" is HGTV's highest-rated reno show.
They have built an empire from it.
Furniture line, home décor, even signature fragrances.
Enzo wears their Bhutan Cabin.
But nothing covers grey water.
They're writing a book and it is bound to be huge.
They're in the conference room.
I think they're flipping it.
[DANCE MUSIC.]
- Whoa! - Oh, my God! - Hi, I'm Cameron.
- Hi, I'm Liza.
- Hi, a pleasure.
- Wow.
- Hey, there.
- Hi, Liza.
I feel like I'm in West Elm.
- This is the shiplap? - Yeah.
- And where are the chairs? - We couldn't pitch without giving your office the "New York Flip" treatment.
- Huh? - Please come over to my apartment any time.
Our living green wall is, uh mold.
- Let's sit.
- Okay.
So renovating is our third leg.
That's the title of our new couple's self-help book meets DIY manual.
- "Third Leg?" - Exactly.
So it will feature our building and design tips, but also explore how relationships like ours thrive with a third leg.
Whether it's a shared hobby, weekly activity, even binging a TV series.
It's healthier than just focusing on each other.
Yeah, because we all know how that ends, right? You can't renovate your partner.
- Believe me, I've tried.
- Yes, you have.
Are any of you married? - No.
- Came close.
- Divorced.
- Uh, dating? - Not successfully.
- Oh.
Liza's dating someone with very long legs.
Some say he's high-brow/brilliant.
Diana is dating a very sweet, handsome plumber named Enzo.
Oh, so what do you two do together? - Oh, where to start? - Please don't say sex.
We go to the opera.
Enzo loves Puccini, but I just find his arias too sentimental.
I'm more of a Verdi woman, which leads to much heated debate.
- I bet.
- Heated debate about your third leg is very healthy.
- In chapter five - We enjoy fine wine.
Italian cuisine.
We're regulars at Rao's.
We're going there tonight, in fact.
Frank Junior calls us polemizzare piccioncini, which means "arguing lovebirds.
" Wonderful.
So we were thinking Of course, we both speak Italian.
We get it.
Lots of legs.
Like a centipede.
But not at all like a centipede.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
So what happens if a couple doesn't have a third leg? Well, a chair needs three legs to stand, right? So if it only has two - Oh, it follows over.
- Well, then, Enzo and I are very secure.
[LAUGHS.]
Speaking of chairs, when will we get ours back? How do you do it like this [PHONE BEEPS.]
- What? You did? - How did you do that? Lauren.
Gemma is following me on Insta.
Okay, good.
Follow back, zaddy.
Like for like.
It's polite.
I didn't set up this account, I know that Clare wouldn't, and I'm whittling down my number of suspects from one.
- Hm.
- She has 5,000 followers? I know, don't worry.
Okay, listen, we are going to get more.
Food Baby has, like, three hundy K, and it's not even the same baby anymore.
Look, I don't even know that I want her on social media.
Clare has to approve of this.
Your baby mama is already following.
So is her potato loving fam bam back in Ireland.
Now they can see all of Gemma's pics in one place so they don't have to come and visit your place.
You're welcome, peach.
[COOS.]
Gemma! [PHONE SNAPS.]
- - Oh, my God, I am a genius.
I scare myself.
You should have seen their faces.
We should be featured in their book.
A couple who is able to balance their work lives well, that's a little casual, even for casual fine dining.
Diana, I'm sorry.
We're going to have to cancel.
Mrs.
McGovern in 3C, she's backed up again.
That is the third time this month.
So I don't get Rao's famous meatballs because Guinevere can't stop flushing her makeup wipes? Being on call is part of the job.
- I'll make it up to you.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll buy you a necklace.
Your choice.
The thing is, Enzo, they choose me.
And I want to be with you.
I don't need another necklace.
I can't believe I just said that.
I got to go.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
I go out in the night time [LAUGHTER.]
Best behavior tonight.
You're here as my girlfriend, not my competitor.
Okay, no butt slapping.
Understood.
We just signed an author couple, and this is the thank you.
The celebration dinner.
- Author couple? - Yeah.
Um, you'll recognize them from Flip.
- Liza? - Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey, Charles.
- What a surprise.
- I love surprises.
How do you all know ah, you also pitched to Millennial.
- I didn't know, I swear.
- Mm-hmm.
So we had no idea that you two were - Competitors? - Together.
It's fine.
But can I ask why you didn't sign with Millennial? We really connected with Charles and his passion for literature, and you.
- What, me? - I mean, he spoke at length about his editor girlfriend and your shared love of books.
Publishing is our third leg.
[LAUGHTER.]
So hon, share the cote de boeuf? No, I'm keeping the halibut all to myself.
- We split enough.
- I hear that.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Well, lucky for you, I wasn't too attached to that book.
Millennials can't afford homes, let alone renovate them.
But gushing about your relationship to get some business.
Hmm, that's not very high-brow.
It's a free market.
Just using what I can.
- Are you using me? - No.
But I'm rapidly using up all the money from mortgaging the townhouse.
Zane and I have created a presence, but who knows for how long? Right now, we are all smoke and mirrors.
- Please keep that to yourself.
- Of course, of course.
I just hope there's some room in your bed for me in case this doesn't work out.
Because, uh I could lose everything.
Doesn't that make you nervous? Yeah, I'm nervous.
Excited.
Oh, hello.
Very excited.
Come on.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[SCOFFS.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you just going to leave me like this? I need to prep for my next meeting.
I can't lose two books in a row.
- Competition is stiff out there.
- Ha, ha.
I guess you'll have to handle the third leg alone tonight.
Always spinning on [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
We lost "Third Leg" to Charles? Why are you wining and dining authors with our competitors? Did you also help them sign with him? What, no.
They were celebrating and I was trapped there, trying not to choke on my monkfish.
How is Charles doing this? Do you think he's using his own money? No, Charles would never be foolish enough to do that.
Liza, can't you do some kind of sexual jiu-jitsu - and get him to talk? - I'm not a Bond girl.
We lost the book fair and square.
Let's get the next one.
Okay, this is musical prodigy Gloria Rivera.
Discovered playing on the G train, accepted into Julliard's pre-college division, and now [BRIGHT CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
The youngest ever female conductor for the Brooklyn Philharmonic.
Of course, they call her The G.
- She's amazing.
- We've been in touch for months about her memoir.
She has tons of stories about growing up in the Bronx and her musical roots in Puerto Rico.
I love it.
Get her in here.
Tonight, she's conducting Brahms symphonies in Williamsburg.
- You want to join? - Count me in.
Me, too.
But orchestra seats, Liza.
I'm not crossing the bridge for obstructed view.
Let's get a book.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Losing our youth in the city lights Holding on tight to the good life [COOS.]
- Same carrier, snap! - Oh, yeah.
I splurged, but it was totes worth.
Oh, actually, I got really lucky.
My friend works in PR, and we got this as a freebie.
So light.
We love it, don't we, Gem? - Huh? - Wait, that's Gemma.
Oh, my God, I follow her.
She's the reason I bought it.
Girls, it's Gemma Loves! Oh, my God! I bought the same bucket hat.
That snot sucker is a game changer.
My Amabella loves everything Gemma loves.
- They should play date.
- Thanks for the likes, ladies.
Don't forget to tag Gemma Loves in your posts and your mommy vlogs.
Thank you.
Are you promoting stuff on Gem's Insta? Uh, duh, yes.
I thought Kelsey was my meal ticket, but it turns out, Gemma is.
I mean, she's like a baby Midas, dude.
Everything she touches turns to gold.
No, no, no way.
We're not doing this, okay? We're not exploiting my daughter.
She's not some pusher for consumerism, Lauren.
Oh, okay, fine, yeah.
So I guess I'll take back this.
Yeah, and that BabyBjorn.
And her top of the line stroller for the sleeping girl on the go.
- But Gemma loves it.
- She does.
She does love it.
Listen, don't cut off her college fund because of your misplaced morals, all right? You're going to get free swag, snack daddy, and you're both going to love it.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Baby, love, my baby love - Gemma loves mini cupcakes.
- Yeah.
I need you But all you do is treat me bad - Yes, Gemma.
- Leave me sad A pair for me, and a little pair for you.
BOTH: Gemma loves kicks! Baby Need to hold you once again my love Feel your warm embrace, my love - Don't throw our love away - Throw our love away Please don't do me this way - Gemma loves butt plugs! - No, no, she doesn't.
We're done here.
We're done.
- Why? - Yeah, we're done.
Josh, sex positivity.
Come on.
Baby, baby, ooh [DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
[KNOCKING.]
Hi, Liza Miller from Millennial.
Oh, my God.
Liza, hi.
Sorry for all the back and forth.
It is so nice to finally meet you.
Oh, it is, and thanks for being so patient with me.
My schedule has been ridiculously hectic.
- I can't believe you're here.
- Since it's been so hard getting you in for a meeting, we thought that we would come to you.
I'm here with our publisher and head of marketing.
They're so excited to meet you and discuss your book.
Me, too.
Can we talk about that after the show? Of course, break a leg.
You know, that never sounds right.
[LAUGHS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- What are you doing here? - Hi.
- It's very nice to see you, too.
- Sorry.
You just you caught me by surprise.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I guess that I am here for the same reason as you.
- We want Gloria's book.
- Well, get ready to lose, because she's practically signed with us.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Because I actually know her quite well.
So do I.
We've been in touch for months.
- Oh, months, huh? - Mm-hmm.
[BOTH STAMMERING.]
Let's actually talk after, all right? You've got to be kidding me.
I did not come all the way to Brooklyn just to watch the canoodle.
Here she comes.
Just be calm, okay? - Is Charles here as your date? - And in a better seat? No, I didn't invite him.
He's [GROANS.]
I thought you said you had this wrapped up.
- I do.
- Did you know that Charles's family paid for Gloria to go to Julliard? She's the recipient of the Brooks Family Arts Scholarship.
What? [APPLAUSE.]
We are never going to land this.
No.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Let's go.
[DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
- No, no, no, wait - ALL: Shh! All right.
Can I give you cowgirls some pointers? I'm the resident ax-pert.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Okay.
STEP ONE: A firm grip.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I think we've got it covered.
- We have a lot of rage.
- I see that.
Leave you to it.
[GRUNTS.]
You know, if only Charles was that easy to beat.
He is buying every book that we want.
It's not my fault that he got ousted from his own company.
It's like he has a vendetta against me.
He wants to see me fail.
And the person who I need the most is sleeping with the enemy.
You got to get a handle on this, Kelsey, because Liza and Charles dating and her working with us? - That is not compatible.
- Do you think that she's actually helping him land these authors? Maybe not consciously, but as publisher, you deserve to know where her loyalties lie.
She has to choose.
Yes! I wish I could make Enzo choose.
I'm in competition with every seeping cistern in the greater New York area.
"Now servicing all five boroughs and Hoboken.
" - Hoboken! - It sounds like - he works a lot.
- He's on call like a surgeon.
Which is what I tell most people he is.
- They both wear gloves - Oh, all this toilet talk is making me need the little cowgirl's room.
- Let's not call it that.
- Oh, typical.
Where's Enzo when I really need him? [CHUCKLES.]
Follow me, cowgirl.
All clear.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
[LAUGHS.]
[URINE SPLATTERS.]
[SIRENS WAIL.]
- Be cool, be cool.
- I am cool.
Ma'am, public urination is illegal.
Uh, no, I was doing nothing of the sort.
Afraid I'm going to have to cite you.
No, or, or, or, I could make a donation to your department.
Ma'am, bribery is a felony.
Let me see your ID, please.
What? Okay, that's insane.
We're in Brooklyn.
Everybody pees everywhere.
- Drop your weapon! - I don't know her.
- Drop it.
- Free to go, just Hey, get back here! You, drop it.
[SHUTTER FLASHES.]
This is complete bullshit.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Gloria, this is my girlfriend, Liza.
That's very funny, Charles.
We've met.
And you two knowing each other quite well is quite the understatement.
Gloria, I assume you'll be signing with Mercury? I haven't decided, but the Brooks' have been so supportive.
And I didn't know about Charles's new imprint until my agent told me.
I'm sorry, Liza.
It's not your fault.
But for the record, Millennial is the right home for you.
We're women at the top of our game, just like you.
You can't lose whether you go with Liza or with me.
And a little healthy competition - never hurt anyone.
- It's hurting everyone.
Are we still talking about my book? It was a great show, Gloria.
Will you excuse me? Give me one second.
- Liza, wait.
- I just don't know how much longer I can do this.
The competition isn't fun anymore.
I just need one hit to attract an outside investor, and then, I'll be back in the game in a real way.
- That's a big gamble.
- I'm gambling it all.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
- [GASPS.]
- Oh, God.
You know, I get you got to go when you got to go.
But going in the street? It's an insult to my profession.
I'm glad you find this so amusing.
But seriously, thank you for taking care of us, and not in that way.
- In what way? - She thinks dating an Italian makes her Kay Corleone.
These guys owed me.
Because I recovered key evidence from their pipes.
One guy flushed a severed Okay, let's just keep the mystery alive, shall we? Hey, I got here as soon as I could.
- Are you guys okay? - No, we are not okay.
We have been under fluorescent lights for hours.
- Yeah, Enzo bailed us out.
- It turns out having an on call boyfriend has its benefits.
Let's get you home, jailbird.
Good night, ladies.
- Hey, are you okay? - Not really.
We've got a huge problem.
Millennial is in freefall.
We've lost Audrey Colbert, "Third Leg," and now, Gloria Rivera, all to Charles.
Are you sure you're not giving him some kind of inside info? Are you questioning my loyalty? Charles is your blind spot, and you don't want to see him lose.
I don't want anyone to lose.
I want Charles to win.
I want us all to win.
Oh, stop being such a Pollyanna.
There have to be losers, and right now, Charles is making sure that that's me.
- That is not what he's doing.
- That's what it feels like, and that's why I'm scared.
Well, believe it or not, Charles is scared, too.
He's risking a lot.
More than just his reputation.
I get that, but when it comes to business, you need to choose a side.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
We can make this work, we can make this work I don't know if this is going to work, Mags.
Come on, if Gemma can love snot suckers, she can love my art.
I mean, I have to sell all this old crap.
- Oh, yeah.
- Why is this baby awake? - Gemma loves midnight.
- Oh, my goodness.
Where have I been? You've practically doubled in size since I last saw you.
Yeah, and she's also doubled in Insta followers.
What? You haven't heard of Gemma Loves? - Where have you been? - Oh, my goodness.
Yes, Gemma loves.
Yes, Gemma loves.
[VOCALIZES.]
How are you doing? Too much work, not enough this.
- You? - Eh.
Learning that more men's rooms need changing tables, and that lifting and carrying 15 pounds all day is more challenging than it seems.
- It's a great workout, though.
- [KNOCKING.]
I looked like a Russian shot putter when Caitlin was her age.
Sexy.
- Charles.
- Hey, Maggie.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- This is Gemma.
- This is Josh's baby.
- Hi.
Congratulations, Josh.
She's beautiful.
Yeah, she is, isn't she? Well, sorry for for dropping by unannounced.
Liza, I'll talk to you in the morning.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
You two seem good.
Never got lost in the feeling Never just fell so deep in Until got tangled up in you Hey, where are you going? - Am I competing with Josh? - What, no.
But you are competing with that baby, because she is damn cute.
And she's not going after my authors.
Well, I came to tell you that you're getting one back.
Gloria is signing with Millennial.
She loves your passion.
You won.
- It doesn't feel like winning.
- Okay.
The important thing is I don't lose you.
Then let's end this company rivalry.
I don't see it as a rivalry.
- I see it as sharing victories.
- How? I still have my family stake in Millennial, and I own Mercury.
So as long as the books go to one of us - Oh, really? - Of course.
When you get to the bottom line, it's still all me.
But that's the problem, Charles.
If it's all you, then there's no room for us.
You're the one that got away I was the one who made mistakes Drove past our place today Heartache so bad, it's bound to break, oh [DANCE MUSIC.]