You're The Worst (2014) s04e05 Episode Script

Fog of War, Bro

1 Jimmy, brah, you will not believe the illness I got into last night.
Where the hell have you been?! People magazine is coming to interview me.
And thus, as per our munificent landlord-transient squatter agreement, you need to make me some toast soldiers for sustenance.
Then, when they arrive, tell them how I selflessly saved you from a life living in a trash can like the green fellow in that puppet slum.
Come on, now.
Oh, and as you cook, do that thing where you babble incessantly, and my mind goes blank like I'm in a hot air balloon, floating, floating.
It so calms my nerves.
Cool.
So, there I was at Boudoir Bar for New School Rap Night.
My Tinder date, a strawberry blonde with respectable Cs.
Oh, side note, I've developed this dating technique.
It's like negging, but wicked sensitive.
- Ah, yes, that's it.
- (TOILET FLUSHES) So what happened? She eat your dick or what? Uh mo-mostly hand stuff.
Nice! Gettin' some knuckle on the first date.
(MOUTHING) (WHISPERING): I don't know.
No.
Just go So, Jimmy, uh, te-tell me more about this interview.
Uh, well, my publisher arranged it.
Um, I'm going to suggest we do it at Soho House.
Soho House? Last time I was there, I puked in Kristen Stewart's bowler hat.
Shit, I'm still fungry! (GASPS) Yo! We got hella new snackies! Cheesy crackers? "F" to the yeah.
Edgar, you're a goddamn genius.
Okay.
(SIGHS) I'm heading to my room.
But first, I got to hork down all these cheesy bitches right quick.
(COUGHING) I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.
- What's she doing here? - I don't know.
- Well, are you guys back together? - I don't know! Oh, man, this sort of situational murkiness with no road map for success makes me anxious.
It's the fog of war, bro.
It reminds me of this one time in the Al Anbar province.
There was this little boy - who was wearing - (KNOCKING) They're here.
Okay, um I'll invite them in.
"Hello, hello.
Jimmy's a saint.
" Then you disappear, and we'll head down Sunset and straight into the pages of America's favorite purveyor of soft journalism.
(SIGHS) - James, so lovely to see you again.
- I (MUTTERS) - Oh.
Oh.
- Oh.
Oh.
Yup.
- Oh.
Three.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - This is Genevieve from People.
- Okay.
Um, why is there a camera crew? It's an on-camera interview? For People's streaming series, Where the Magic Happens.
They come and interview artists in their homes.
It was in the e-mail I sent you.
Okay, quick note, I never read past the subject unless the e-mail's subject is, "Read Past Subject!" - Or "Big Fan!" - GENEVIEVE: Let's set up by the windows.
That way, we can frame him with the sun setting over the reservoir.
- Well, that's east, and it's morning.
- We'll fix it in post.
- (QUIETLY): Can I, uh? - Oh.
So, um, Gretchen is here.
- You two aren't back together, are you? - No.
Um, I mean, we haven't really discussed our status.
Because that would really interfere with the marketing of the book.
We're selling you as a bachelor Brit with eyes of frosted steel.
Steel is a bit cold.
I mean, maybe cornflower? I worked my ass off getting you this interview.
Usually, People magazine will not touch an unknown author unless they just escaped from a kidnapper's sex dungeon.
So you need to make sure she doesn't come upstairs.
If you tell Gretchen there's a place she can't go, she's going.
Whether it's a bar, a McDonald's PlayPlace, a public pool during kids' swim.
Deal with it now.
Um Jimmy saved my life.
Oh.
We can CGI him into a floor lamp, right? Yeah, totally.
(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING ON COMPUTER SCREEN) Konnichiwa.
(MOANING CONTINUES ON COMPUTER) So, apparently, this interview is happening upstairs.
And so, it's vital that you stay down here.
(MOANING CONTINUES) That doesn't mean you can't go upstairs.
Gretchen can go anywhere.
- I can go anywhere! - Yeah.
I would just personally really, really appreciate it if you laid low.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Oh.
(MOANING CONTINUES) Hmm.
(HAMMERING) I can probably make that work.
I have to finish this pint of Bubble Cream.
Plus, I really need to find out where this bang bus is headed.
They said they're going to San Diego, but they just keep driving around the same neighborhood in the Valley.
Something is up.
Mmm.
Gum? MAN: Oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah.
(MOANING CONTINUES ON COMPUTER) (CHUCKLES, SIGHS) Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst.
Come on.
Right, she's acting really weird.
Like David Bowie in Labyrinth weird, or like Kevin in We Need to Talk about Kevin weird? She's watching pornography fully clothed.
Kevin weird.
All right, that's it.
I need to get her out of the house.
Well, I could try to talk to her, but Gretchen Oh, thank you, Edgar.
I'll get you something nice in return, like an Olive Garden gift card from that rack for poors at Rite Aid.
(SIGHS HEAVILY) (KNOCKING) Hey, Gretchen.
Hey yourself, you big stud! Uh, I was just thinking.
It is such a beautiful day outside.
You know, just in case you wanted to get out of the house for Um I-I-I found a, um a discount ticket Web site that's full of amazing cultural events.
There's Uterus the Musical at Glendale Community College.
Huh? The El Capitan Theatre is showing Pixar's Birds with a live show.
Gary Sinise and the Lieutenant Dan Band are playing the San Pedro Lobster Chomp! I'm not leaving, Edgar.
(IN GUTTURAL VOICE): I'm staying here.
Forever.
For er ver (GUTTURAL UTTERANCE) Shit! (PANTING) (WHIMPERING) (PANTING) She's crazy, Jimmy.
How about I get my go bag and we both just move to the Safari Inn in Burbank? - We can't do that.
- I've done it before.
One time we found a nest of camel spiders on base, so we packed up, hit the entrance with a truck-bomb, and pretended the Taliban did it.
What were they gonna say? CANDACE: We're almost ready for you, Jimmy! I cannot believe she'd threaten my job like this.
Why isn't she at her job? She's told her clients she's in Europe.
Jimmy.
That's compromising material.
Blackmail her.
- (GLASS SHATTERING) - I'm out.
Save yourself.
(THUD, GROANS) What? (GLASS SHATTERING) (WHISTLING) (CLATTERING NEARBY) Where's the box spring? Down there.
Oh.
Why the sad face, Puppy? You still worried I'm coming upstairs to nuke your interview? No, because I have my own nuke.
It's a text to Slim, Shit-Show, and Honey Cake, revealing that you are not in Europe.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Complete with a time-stamped photo.
Leave now or I will expose you as the fraud you are.
Boom.
New rule, no matter what happens, we don't ruin profesh shit for each other.
Truce? Truce.
So, are we all good? Oh, hold on.
(CLATTERING AND THUD) Yeah, we're good.
Your lemon tree, on the other hand What? (WHINING): Oh, Juicy.
Uh, she's not leaving, but it's fine, this is fine.
You trust that she's gonna stay down there? I don't trust her to drive a bumper car.
Don't screw me here.
I cannot jeopardize my longstanding relationship with People, which dates back to when they asked me for a quote that Ben Affleck did deserve to be 2002's Sexiest Man Alive, even though, let's be honest, it's like somebody put Tom Brady's chin on Rachel Maddow.
Well, let's just say that she and I have reached a détente.
Good boy.
Okay, we ready? So, Genevieve, as you know, the book release is next week, and we're making a big push at the Romance and Erotica Book Expo.
- So this will time to drop with that.
- Yes, thanks.
So, Jimmy, what inspired your book? The Width of a Peach was borne of the sensual stories I wrote as a boy.
See, Manchester was a harsh place for a sensitive child who managed to escape rat attack, cholera, laudanum overdose, and coming across an unexploded German ordinance.
But armed with a notebook and a piece of lead, I would hide under the covers, using language to express my forbidden desires.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) What? Why am I awake? Why were you asleep? It's like 2:00 in the afternoon.
I was at my job till 6:00 a.
m.
I did night work so long, it turned into day.
(GROANS) What happened to you? I fell down the hill behind Jimmy's long story.
Basically, (SIGHS) there's a real fubar situation over there.
Did that round tweenager show up begging again? Just throw lemons at his belly till he runs back to his side of the block.
- Gretchen's there.
- What?! And she's acting like a Japanese ghost.
It is so spooky.
God, I've been so distracted at my job.
I thought Gretchen was in Eagle Rock boning that hunk.
What hunk? Some married guy.
They hump in cars.
See, this is why we need to start a group text.
I keep starting a chain but no one responds.
You guys probably aren't getting them because my phone's so old.
Yes.
That's why no one's responding.
Anyway, I can't go back into that crazy house.
It's triggering me.
It's like when Dad moved out and no one told me, and then, one day, there was a new guy living in Mom's master suite.
You got to call Gretchen and get her to leave Jimmy's, but don't tell her I told you she's there.
Obviously.
- (GRUNTS) - (PHONE RINGING) Hey, girl.
LINDSAY (SINGSONGY): Hey.
What you up to? I just woke up and you weren't here, so I thought, "Hey, where's Gretchen?" And then I thought, "Probably with that married guy," and then I thought, "Good one, Linds.
You're not as stupid as your swimming teacher keeps saying you are.
" Want to hang out? Hang out where? It depends where you are.
Like, you're not at Jimmy's or anything? - Too much.
- Shit.
I'm at home.
- Where home? - Here home.
- Where are you exactly? - Linds I live with Jimmy, just like I have for a long time.
But - I thought you lived here? - What? When did I live at your house? You've been here for a few months.
Oh, Puppy, if I live at your house, then where's all my stuff? I don't know.
I thought You farted on my couch, right? You're very tired.
I did night work for so long.
I know.
Get some sleep, sweetie.
Okay.
Bye, Gretchen.
EDGAR: So what did you learn? I don't know what's real.
JIMMY: I write till 4:00 or 5:00 a.
m.
At dawn, I make my way down to the reservoir, where the street vendors hawk mangos y papayas.
From them, I draw both sustenance and cultural inspiration.
Where's bitch?! She's not here.
You texted us that she was here.
Now-now either you're lying or MetroPCS is lying, and I know MetroPCS ain't got no angle here.
What? No.
Uh, I was going to, but I hit the blue send-to-trash button.
And, clearly, I haven't used my phone in a few months.
Listen, fellas, you have to vacate.
(WHISPERING): People magazine's interviewing me.
No shit? - Yo.
- Crossing.
The cover story you did on the Hannah Montana reunion made me cry.
Billy Ray is so proud of Miley.
Thanks.
Who are you guys? We really need a better publicist.
Speak of the bitch.
Crossing.
All right, see you in a bit, fellas.
Her glance hits me like lightning I heard that girl is fast and frightening No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
You lied to us! You have not been in Europe.
(WHINING): I was.
I just got back.
Honestly, Europe was a dream.
So many bicycles and castles.
One afternoon, in South Berlin, I watched an old woman play harmonium while a stray dog ate a cheese sandwich out of my hand.
SAM: There are no stray dogs in Berlin.
The animal welfare system is tight.
It was the old lady's dog.
What kind of cheese was on that sandwich? Resspelutchenbidenzer.
Bitch, we know you've been here this whole time! SHITSTAIN: Yeah, Jimmy texted us and he ratted you out pretty hard.
Damn it, Jimmy! You said you befriended Fatboy Slim on our behalf.
Okay, guys, but think about that what does that even mean? You are the worst And I mean worst Publicist I have ever met! And my dad is friends with Paul Manafort! We needed you.
Do you even know what's going on right now? No.
You want to tell her? - You tell her.
- Tell me what? Turns out Zachary is 45 years old! (LAUGHS): Honey Nutz is 45? We can't have a 45-year-old in the group! This is a crisis! The other day he was freestyling about how the Challenger explosion really messed him up, and the truth came out.
We needed you, and you were nowhere to be found! You better have some mind-blowing explanation for lying to us, or we are firing your ass for reals! Hey.
You guys don't even know what happened with Jimmy, do you? Uh-uh.
No more lies, bitch.
God's truth, stick a needle in my eye.
(PATTING MATTRESS) Okay.
Three months ago Jimmy took me to this spot above the Hollywood Bowl, pretending we were looking for murder clues.
GENEVIEVE: Who are your favorite erotica authors? Uh see, there's a fine line between erotica and litera (STAMMERING) Um It's, uh Hmm.
(SIGHS) SHITSTAIN: You're a bad person, Jimmy Shive-Overly.
(SAM CHUCKLES) You dead, dude.
Okay.
Ha-ha! - (DOOR CLOSES) - Yeah, bye, fellas! Okay.
Uh, where were we? Where were um Oh, God, Lindsay.
Does this mean we're in charge? I can't be in charge of anything.
I was in charge once in Iraq, and it did not go well.
In fact, that was the last time we did Secret Santa.
Maybe we could get them back together while they're under the same roof! I wish I'd thought of that when Mom was breaking up with Uncle.
I could have Parent-Trapped them that weekend in Solvang.
This is scary.
Hold me.
- I'm getting all cranked up.
- Me, too, bud.
- Now, make my body feel good.
- Mmm.
What's more important, characters or plot? I think characters are obviously - (FOOTFALLS APPROACHING) - the essential Why don't we finish this at a coffee shop? Hi, sweetie.
Oh! Oh, don't mind me.
I am not here.
Hi.
I'm Gretchen Cutler, Jimmy's fiancée, The future Mrs Is it Shive-Overly? (CHUCKLES) Maybe we'll do one of those hybrid names the kids are getting into.
Cutler-y.
Shitler.
(LAUGHING) GENEVIEVE: What's going on? I just interviewed him for an hour about his single life.
Single? Why are they saying you're single, Jimmy? What are you doing? What are you doing? Okay.
You're right.
- I have been acting crazy.
- Mm.
But what is it that happened to us, exactly? One, you asked me to marry you.
Two, I said yes.
Three, you left.
And then four, you came back, apologized, and I said it was fine.
Isn't that what happened? Ye-Yes.
Technically.
GRETCHEN: Which means we never stopped being engaged.
We're still engaged, Jimmy, right? Jimmy? Uh, c can you just give us a second? So, wait you haven't been punishing me by taking over the bedroom and refusing to leave? I just wanted you to squirm a little.
But now I find out you're supposed to be single for the book? Maybe I should move back out? - Oh, don't.
N - Well, how are we gonna make this all work, then? What if I wasn't single? - Jimmy - What about a writer who isn't single and maybe makes mistakes? Human ones.
But at the end of the day, his heart's in the right place.
Is is there something you could do with that? I-It could be aspirational.
Everyone deserves love.
- That sounds very People.
- Yeah.
We could adjust our strategy.
It'll work.
I'm a publicist.
You ever hear of the one that goes, "Courtney Love is smart now"? - That was you? - JIMMY: See, the honest truth is, this book this is our love story.
And our story is chaotic, but love is chaos.
And it's the only game in town worth playing.
What do you think? She can stay.
Can we get Gretchen miked? (SIGHS HEAVILY) Hi.
Hi.
(KNOCKING) Oh, 'scuse me (DOOR OPENS) - Hi, Booner! - Gretch, what's wrong? - You said you had an emergency? - Yup.
Uh, it's downstairs.
In the bedroom.
I'll show you.
Hello.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Shouldn't have texted the boys.
Mushroom cloud, bitch! (IMITATES EXPLOSION) (VIDEO GAME WEAPONS FIRING) (DOOR OPENS) Jimmy we have to talk.
We know you and Gretch are going through a thing, but it's messing with our brains.
Yeah, so there's something very important we need you to hear.
BOTH: And-a one and-a two and-a one, two, three and There's one and one And that makes two But the two of you are making us blue So let's end the fighting, let's have fun And make two hearts back into one Back into one (HOLDING LAST NOTES) That was really beautiful.
Why don't you go downstairs and sing it to Gretchen.
She's in the bedroom.
(VIDEO GAME WEAPONS FIRING) LINDSAY (WHISPERS): And-a one, and-a two, and-a one, two, three.
- There's one and one - (MOANING, GASPING) (GRUNTING) I am alone In this cold After all We get two Christmases now.
So hard To hold back these tears