You're The Worst (2014) s04e08 Episode Script

A Bunch of Hornballs

1 LINDSAY: And then, even after I showed them my true colors, Cyndi Lauper-style, my coworkers ditched me.
Triflin'-ass Vogue readers.
Mm! I almost forgot.
I made you a friendship bracelet when I was home.
Aw! "G plus H"? The "H" stands for "Hot Lindsay.
" See? I'm friendable! I know they're triflin', Gretch, but I really want those multicultural fashion lizards to like me.
They're my work family.
No, I get it.
My old boss Rick was my work family until his head got cut off in that Jet Ski accident.
(GASPS, GASPING OPERATICALLY) It's my divorce license.
(PANTING) Ha! I'm divorced! Oh, no.
I broke my divorce.
Yay! Paul is dead! (LAUGHS) Now we can be fun single ladies together! Ha.
Uh, yeah.
Since when does being a fun single lady mean boning the same old-ass dad every night? Just admit it.
You're down a road.
We are not down a road.
Then don't hang out with him tonight.
Fine! Easy.
Not a problem.
I will just tell that fool that I am very sick so he doesn't get mad at me.
You have a boyfriend! Don't emoji clap at me.
Okay, how 'bout this? To celebrate our new singlehood, I will throw you a divorce party tonight.
No Boone.
Yes! And I can invite my work fam.
Maybe once they know I'm a cool-ass divorcée like ScarJo or Nicole Brown Simpson, Jeff and Tara will want to be friends with me.
Ow! I really need to stop buying window drugs from that homeless guy.
I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.
- - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (GASPING) Jimmy Shive-Overly.
Now, make sure to wear your VIP badge at all times.
I absolutely will not.
Congrats on the release of your book.
I hear it's very steamy.
It's also a Dickensian exploration of the long shadow cast on British progeniture by the Second World War, but thank you.
There we go.
Getting that weekly tighten-up, - quaffing that rye hattie.
- You're right.
Co-grooming can be a bonding yet totally macho ritual.
(PHONES CHIME, BUZZ) Oh (BOTH GASP) - SneakerSeeker! - SneakerSeeker! Oh, shit, the Yeezy 350 Pirate Blacks are on sale for $950! And purchased! You, too.
- We got to be twinsies.
- Nine hundo? Uh, gee, I-I don't know.
I And - done.
- Yes! Where's the foreign dude with the weird-colored dick? - Jimmy's on a work trip.
- Nice! Now we don't have to rip down his list of dum-dum rules for the party.
Going number two in the upstairs bathroom all night, sucka.
- What party? - Ugh, I got super baked and offered to throw Lindser a divorce party.
Edgar, you should plan the party.
- Why me? - You're the foodie with the fancy-ass threads, getting a house haircut, drinking a rye hattie like Dan Goddamn Bilzerian! I guess I could pull something together.
Remember, the theme is Your Previously Secure Future is Suddenly a Giant, Scary Question Mark.
But fun! EDGAR: Shoot.
I-I guess I have to go to the grocery store and the liquor store.
I should probably pick up some bubble wrap for Lindsay to play with Hey, relax.
I know a party planner who can take care of everything.
He did Brent's going away, and it was spectunckular.
I got this.
Wow, thanks.
I mean, that's-that's so generous.
- (SENT MESSAGE CHIME) - Wait, Brent moved? - Mm-hmm.
- Isn't he your main dude? Brent moved to Boulder to work on his new app, Snoober.
It's like Uber but for snow.
So, the app helps you find a place to ski - or makes snow or - Right! It's like Venmo, but for mountains.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) ("IF U C MY ENEMIES" BY RUBBLEBUCKET PLAYING) (LAUGHS) I come from a greener place and a lawless past I was raised with the cows and the birds And a toothless laugh FAN: I loved how Simon was drunk all the time when he was teaching drama at that boarding school, because I had sex with my drama teacher, too.
Who didn't? - (SOBBING) - (CHUCKLING): Aw.
You're so sweet.
("KING CHARLES" BY YUNGBLUD PLAYING) Who's next? ADRIENNE: What's your name? I admit, I've never been broke but I have been broken Shout inside, she'll switch you for a token - Oh - Of kindness This one's for you, King Charles You mess with the people Took the taxes to fund the evil - Ooh - Sound familiar? Don't mind us, divide us But when we need guidance, you give us the silence It's spineless and blindless We will buy back, not sit here smiling (HIP-HOP AIR HORN SOUND EFFECT) Wow.
Thanks for doing all this.
Hey, it's what buds do.
Plus, you got to honor the end of a relationship.
When my pops and stepmom split, me and Dad bro'd out in the Maldives for, like, a month.
(CHUCKLES) Had too much Prosecco one night, and things got a little weird.
But, all in all, great trip.
- BECCA: Hello! - Welcome to the party I planned! Oh, shit, it's Nerd with his face X'ed out! So disrespected! Wow, Gretchen.
How Pinterest of you.
You know, if we threw a party every time Lindsay failed at something, we'd be drunk all the time.
Bitch, we are drunk all the time.
(CHUCKLES) Because you keep pressuring me.
Makes me wonder what you're up to, mister.
(GRUNTS) (PHONE CHIMES) Here comes the divorced.
I'm here! Aw, thanks for comin', sis! Yeah, well, I find the whole thing to be in very poor taste.
Marriage is supposed to be forever.
(CHUCKLES) And you chose Vernon.
Babe, can you take a pic for me? I want to get one where I'm resting my dick - on his shoulder like a parrot.
- (DOOR OPENS) - (CHUCKLES) - (DOOR SHUTS) CARL: Congratulations! Uh, a-and/or, uh, my, uh, condolences, depending on your feelings about the divorce.
- Thank you so much for inviting me.
- Shut up.
- Where are the good ones? - The good Oh, you mean Jeff and Tara.
I'm not sure.
Well, find out.
You're bummed because your work is suddenly included in the mortifying anti-art hellscape that is genre.
Well, Michael Chabon isn't hyping Moonglow at the Gilroy Garlic Festival.
He would if they invited him.
He's not above helping sales, and neither should you be.
Plus, not to be gross, but you could really clean up around here.
What? I'm just saying, I'm an old married lady, but if I were a hot, single British dude? Whew, boy, you'd have to take my dick home in a body bag.
(SCOFFS) Thanks.
I think.
Night, Jimmy.
Try to have some fun this weekend, will ya? Run it Run it Wob-wob wobbin, wob-wob wobbin - When I come around - Mmm.
Got the whole thing wobbin I can't believe none of my work friends showed up.
Not even the janitor guy with the gross, black thumbnail.
What about him? Carl? He doesn't count.
Carl's basically a human participation trophy.
Looking for the movie love, they think I'm famous The most tragic part of your sister's divorce is that she's wearing that hideous dress a second time.
Speaking of dumb things I hate, Vernon tried to have sex with me last night.
I made him go jerk off in the downstairs bathroom, because sometimes he touches his own nipples.
It's revolting.
That is so gay.
(LAUGHING) They said, "Be real" Nash jumping, I ain't even had my leap year yet Well, I'm gonna take a lap.
(DOORBELL RINGS, KNOCKING ON DOOR) So, I'm guessing you're not sick.
Actually, it's bananas.
I was feeling straight garbaggio when my friend basically blackmailed me into hosting her divorce party.
And when I was picking up some wine, I gave this homeless woman the last of my Chipotle, and she blessed me, and I was, like, instantly cured! Oh.
This is disappointing.
Have fun being a weird liar, I guess.
I'm sorry.
It's just you, me road.
We're heading down one, right, it seems, and yeah, so that.
You think we're down a road? I'm at your house almost every night.
Pretty soon you're gonna want me to meet your kid.
No, I won't.
In fact, Olivia's actually in the car right now reading, and you're still not meeting her.
(CHUCKLES): Really? Wait.
You saying I can't meet her? (LAUGHS): Like you'd want to.
I mean, you have to admit you're not exactly the "kid type.
" (SIGHS) I guess you can still have this.
Hey, you want to come in for one drink? Everybody's raving about the Mezcalimonies.
I guess.
Plus, I'm very curious to see - who'd actually be friends with you.
- Oh.
Bartender just told me they ran out of 12-year Glenlivet.
- Mm.
- So I'm thinking we take this party up a notch and go 18? Oh, yeah! Let's do it! Great.
'Cause I like my scotch like I like my women: of legal consenting age.
- (LAUGHING) - Yeah.
You used to treat women really badly, huh? I really did.
(GROANS SOFTLY) - (ELECTRONIC CHIMING) - I'm about to give my speech.
Where is everyone? - Um - (CHIMING) Hello? - Attention? - (MUSIC STOPS) Sisters are supposed to give speeches at these things, right? Well, I guess that's true at weddings.
Hard to believe Lindsay's was only four short years ago.
Lindsay, is there anything in your life you haven't aborted? (PEOPLE GASP) But seriously, guys - (SNICKERING) - Lindsay is my sister.
Eh, that's all I got.
Linds? (TAKES DEEP BREATH) (OBJECT TAPPING GLASS) "I used to be in a bad marriage to a very bad man.
But now I'm free.
I'm Paul to those I don't know.
- WOMAN: Hi.
- Hi.
Hi there.
(WHOOPING, CHEERING) "Simon loathed his new post at the New Hampshire boarding school.
But oh, did he approve of American girls, Especially the female drama students" (LAUGHTER, CLAPPING, WHOOPING) Oh, my God.
(ADRIENNE CHUCKLES) WOMEN: Ooh (CLAPPING, WHOOPING) Who invited you? Your blisteringly dumb husband has been texting me photos of this vile event all night.
Shut up, narc.
An X over my face, is it? Lo, the hypocrisy of the cheater celebrating her freedom.
Well, you're free, all right.
Free from having me to blame for your myriad problems.
- Uh - "Myriad" means a lot.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY) You always held me back.
No wonder I can't swim.
- No wonder I don't have a middle name.
- You can no longer blame me for your life, because I'm not in it.
You'll only have yourself to blame when you lose your toys down the tub, or when you bite into a chess piece because you think it's white chocolate.
I hate you! (PAUL BARKING) - (LAUGHING) - Vernon? Drive us home.
Okay, but you're not both sitting in the back this time.
- Shut up.
Yes, we are.
- (BECCA LAUGHING) And we're gonna sing duets until you - Drive the car - The car Into the - Ocean - Sea ocean Vernon (VERNON GROANS) What are you doing? - There you are.
- No.
After we talked, I was looking on Nextdoor, and I realized Silver Lake Heights is highly dangerous.
Someone's Amazon package got stolen from right off their front porch.
Apparently, two high school kids were smoking (WHISPERING) pot in a car.
Someone smashed Marisa Tomei's jack-o-lantern.
Plus, I thought Olivia might want some cake.
(WHISTLES) It's all on Nextdoor.
Come on, sweetie.
Let's find you some milk.
- (COUGHING): Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
Isn't it time for you to catch a bouquet or put a garter back on or something? Paul said I blame everybody else for my life.
Is everything my fault? Because I don't do life good? No, of course not.
So it's your fault? No, sweetie.
Then whose fault is it? (GRETCHEN SIGHS) One thing I learned in therapy is that stuff that happens to you when you're a kid can really screw you up as an adult.
Like, don't even get me started how my parents let me watch Return to Oz every day.
Wheelers, dude.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Stuff that happened when I was a kid? Becca.
- Great party, bud.
- Mm-hmm.
My guy says it's time to settle up.
- $6,000? - Wait.
Seriously? - They hooked you up.
- Yeah.
You got to tip huge.
Me? Wait.
I thought you were paying for everything.
(SCOFFS) Edgar, why would I pay for your friend's party? I don't I I've never spent this much money before.
I just spent a thousand dollars on sneakers designed by Kanye West.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna be sick.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
Look at me.
(PANTING) - You have such a giving spirit.
- (QUIETLY): Yeah.
You deserve to drop a little green on yourself.
- Yeah.
- Plus, in a few years, when we're running Max and Edgar Love Sketches, six thou? That's six dollars.
It's six pennies, it's six It's three pennies.
Thanks for talking me down.
Hey, anytime.
After all, I do need a new main dude now that Brent's snoobering in Colorado.
Really? (DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE) Good cake, huh? Yeah.
Red velvet's my favorite.
Not a real flavor.
Wh? Hey.
I explicitly told you I wasn't ready for Olivia to meet you yet.
Exactly, Boone.
Not a name, by the way.
Man, usually it takes a minute for a guy's true feelings to reveal themselves.
How "I'm damaged and only good for having fun now.
" But when you said I can't meet your dau Hey.
I didn't want you to meet her for her sake.
Because she's a child and I have an obligation to not have her get attached to people too early.
Why am I even justifying myself to you? Oh, right, because I like you.
Or did.
Good-bye, Gretchen.
And Boone is totally a real name.
I'm sorry.
I-I'm sorry.
It's just that I have strong feelings for you.
And it hurt when you didn't think I was worthy of meeting your daughter, 'cause she's part of you.
What I am saying is if you want to go down the road, I want to go down it, too with you.
Look, I've had thoughts, too.
But I was worried I might still be marriage brainwashed.
(SIGHS) Shit.
Maybe we should go for it.
Uh I still have to take Olivia home, or she's gonna be a real piece of shit in the morning.
Let's hang tomorrow, okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
Uh, let's go, sweetie.
Adrienne, please come out.
And bring towels, for God's sake.
ADRIENNE: No! (CRYING): I always get too drunk at these things.
(MOANING): Oh, God.
My whole career is a lie.
How can I write erotica when I've never even had an orgasm? What? You totally I fake them.
(CRYING) What are they like, Jimmy? I've heard it's like when you have to pee really bad, and then you do.
Is that what it's like? Well, I don't want to rub it in, but they're kind of the only truly transcendent thing in this world.
(CRYING): Please, no.
(PHONE RINGS) (SOBBING): Oh, I hate myself.
I use the thesaurus app with everything I write.
I give talks on body positivity, but I bought a waist trainer on the Internet.
(SOBS) - Jimmy? Jimmy.
- (DOOR CLOSING) GRETCHEN (ON PHONE): Sorry to bug you.
The patio door is stuck again.
Well, there's, um, WD-40 in the garage.
That usually does it.
No problem.
So How is the work trip? Well, I learned there's a whole genre of erotica that's just women having sex with werewolves.
What? We talking wolf-human sex? And quite often, they're historical werewolves.
Shut up.
Like werewolves who are also Civil War soldiers and shit? Jimmy, that's hella hot.
You got to bring me one of those books.
I have two in my bag.
Hey, so you won't believe who showed up to Lindsay's divorce party tonight.
Divorce party, where? Shh, don't worry about it.
But listen, guess who walked in? - Paul.
- No.
And barf, - but he might be secret hot now.
- Yes! I thought the same thing.
He looks like a hot Nazi.
Like Ralph in The Sound of Music.
Anyway, so Paul comes in cackling like a super villain