You're The Worst (2014) s04e07 Episode Script

Not a Great Bet

1 (INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER P.
A.
) Hi.
I need a car.
Mr.
Collins? Gretchen? (CHUCKLES) Hiya.
Wow.
Look at you.
Look at you.
My, oh, my.
You're so grown-up.
I always wondered how your face would fill out.
You get these students sometimes and they just don't look like high school kids.
Every new semester you see one or two that look more like unformed adults.
So, what's the haps? You ever become a marine biologist? Yes, actually.
I'm at the University of Santa Barbara.
I'm a professor emeritus of cephalopod study.
I basically just play with octopuses all day.
Don't you mean octopi? - No, we changed it back to octopuses.
- (PHONE RINGS) Hi, Daddy.
Hi, honey.
Where are you? On the plane.
We just landed.
Good.
Melody's doing fine.
Her cervix is only four centimeters.
That's one tiny cervix.
(CHUCKLES) No, no.
I meant th-that's how much it's dilated.
Yes, I know.
I-I was joking.
- It was just a little - Anyway, listen.
I need you to stop by the house and get my eye drops.
And don't forget Banshee.
Right.
And don't forget to feed Banshee.
Banshee's still alive? - Are you deplaning yet? - Excuse me, miss.
Do you need help getting your bag down? Yeah, I should go.
All right, we'll see you soon.
So, you stopped teaching? Oh, yup, yup.
Retired.
Oh.
Ah.
Now, Gretchen, can I tell you about our award-winning coverage package? I'll take all of it.
MR.
COLLINS: Shoot.
Looks like all of our standard vehicles are out.
I'll just take whatever you got.
So How long are you in town? - - (PLANE PASSES OVERHEAD) I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.
You might come around Someday Transmissions I've found Fading From old tapes we made Ooh A picture (CAT MEWS) That opens the same - Ooh - (CAT MEWS) It's all right Hi, Banshee.
They get lost in the troposphere Days go by And I dream of it In the new year I'll come around In the new year (GRUNTS) Forms in my view (SIGHS) They're changing From the ones that I knew (COUGHS) To display Everything slow Ooh Or the pressure below Ooh They get lost in the troposphere Days go by and I dream of it In the new year I'll come around In the new year (TAPPING KEYS) I'll come around In the new year Holy shit.
You didn't die? (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Hey! (BOTH LAUGH) - You've really never been to L.
A.
? - Nope.
Who hasn't been to L.
A.
? I don't like the sunshine.
Why, because of the cancer? What? No.
Just Yeah, maybe.
Never thought of that.
You should come.
It's great.
The tacos are like It's insane.
I can't even get into it.
It's great you did this.
I remember we always used to talk about taking over this place.
No, we didn't.
Are you kidding? Yeah, we did.
Like, all the time.
Buy the roller rink, make it cool.
Make sure Dana Miller can never go in, bitch.
I don't remember that.
Last year the owner died, and they were gonna tear it down, and I had money from my grandma, so I just Anyway, I'm so in debt.
It's not what I thought.
DEEJAY (OVER SPEAKER): All right, everybody.
It's dance skate time! If you're not ready to shake your booty like it did you wrong, - clear the floor.
- Uh, excuse me, no.
You're staying.
No.
Seriously.
I'll just wait right over there.
No.
Seriously.
(FEMALE SINGER VOCALIZING) Boy If you knew Just how I feel When we meet With our heads Up in the stars Oh, oh - Dance - (WHOOPING) Don't cry (WHOOPING) (WHOOPING) What happened? You were so sick when I left.
Mm, operations, five in all.
Coupled with the numerous rounds of chemo.
Mm.
Science is good.
So, college and then Why did you move back here? I like it here.
Anyway, my family's here.
- That's exactly why I don't live here.
- (PHONE RINGS) Hello? It's Dad.
Where are you? It's been a total disaster.
They lost my bags, and then I got home, and you're out of cat food, and Banshee bit me.
GRETCHEN'S FATHER: Really? Sorry.
We've been so busy.
It's okay, Daddy.
Anyway, I am just on my way to the store now.
- I will be there soon.
- Okay, so (PHONE BEEPS, CLICKS) Heidi, this place is just so amazing.
You should do special events.
You should do Eggs and Porn.
- What? - Eggs and Porn.
You serve breakfast, and also, there's retro porn playing on the TVs.
It's really kitschy and fun.
Plus, the posters are really easy because fried eggs look like boobs.
You realize children are a big part of our clientele? Just put the TVs up high.
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, the rink is now closed.
- Please return your skates - We should go to our mall! Our mall died.
- What?! - Apparently, it's just stray dogs, meth heads and teens partying now.
(GASPS) - GRETCHEN: This is so sad.
- (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) Our mall is dead.
- Do you buy everything online now? - Totally.
Then this is your fault.
GRETCHEN: It is kind of beautiful.
(WATER DRIPPING) This is crazy! I know.
- First got my ears pierced over there.
- (DISTANT THUDDING) I first got fingered in that dressing room.
Mm.
(LAUGHS) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Yeah.
- 'Sup, shorties? - TEEN BOY: Hello.
Anyways, it's just a rip-off that our - so-called advisors don't have any - We used to shop here.
Cool.
You meth heads? No, we're j-juniors.
Gross.
Where's your booze? We're just hanging out.
(GRETCHEN LAUGHS) (BOTTLES CLINKING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (GRETCHEN SIGHS) (GRETCHEN SIGHS) Mm.
(GUTTURAL GASP) Okay.
I'm officially in sense memory overload.
So what? You're living here.
Roommates? Boyfriends? Girlfriends? There isn't much.
I write a little, bike a lot.
Try and keep the rink afloat, mostly.
Yeah, but you're doing it.
You know, the whole big-fish thing? I have that urge sometimes, just to pack it all in.
What do you have there that's so different? I already told you about the tacos, right? (LAUGHS) I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.
It was a long time ago.
I should have come to the hospital, though.
Oh, I forgot to tell you! Guess who is working at the car rental agency at the airport.
Mr.
Collins! He watches all my Instagram stories.
He's so creepy.
You, uh, know why he got fired, right? - No.
- He was caught taking up-skirt shots of students.
He posted 'em on the "Panty Sluts" subreddit.
- Gross! - Oh, I knew something was up! Uh, hey, you guys have a dead mall.
You're wasting it - by not drinking.
- Thanks for the advice.
(SCOFFS) That wasn't technically advice.
GRETCHEN: She owns the skating rink so if you're mean to her, you can never skate.
You're banned for life.
HEIDI: Yeah! You're not banned.
What are two 30-year-old women doing hanging out with high schoolers? Okay, now you're banned! (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) Wait.
We have that A.
P.
History essay.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH MOCKINGLY) Don't be a pussy.
Aw, shit! - Oh! - Colin! I don't understand what we're expected to do.
You raised us to need the constant feedback that comes from this.
We didn't raise shit, sucka! Oh! TEEN GIRL: It's the marketers.
It's just to get us addicted so they can advertise to us.
And that's why I purposefully don't buy anything that they advertise to me.
You saw Deadpool, like, five times.
See? Then I fell for it, too.
I'm no better.
- It's just really stressful.
- It's so stressful.
- It really is.
- Oh, my God! - Ugh! - (BOTTLE SHATTERS) You guys are the worst teens ever! This can't be what you're all like.
Come on.
Truth or dare? - Dare.
- (SKATEBOARD ROLLS, BOTTLE CLINKS) Kiss that one.
You cool? Ah.
(HEIDI LAUGHS) (GRETCHEN LAUGHS AIRILY) M-My turn! Truth or dare? GRETCHEN: No, you guys aren't playing.
Why did you let her do that? Guys, you know this is the best time, right? It is all downhill from here, for real! I mean, you do get hotter and get to do or eat whatever you want and that's awesome But things are new right now, - and you feel things so hard - (PUNCHES HAND) and that is beautiful! Grown-up stuff sucks, is what I'm saying.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) Um, can I have a a cigarette? What's your name? Rosemary Felton.
I'm Haley Wallish.
Wait.
Are you related to Darius Wallish? That's my dad.
Your dad? Darius is your dad? Are you kidding? You know him? (GASPING) I was his senior prom date when I was a freshman! Uh.
We totally fu I had fun dancing with your father.
(LAUGHING): We danced.
(LAUGHING) Like three times.
- (LAUGHTER) - What? Well, three and a half.
We hand-danced in the car.
(LAUGHTER) Why are you laughing? (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) HEIDI: You always give the best braids.
My aunt taught me.
She moved to Europe when I was eight.
- I was devastated.
- I remember.
I cried so hard.
Cried and cried.
You were patient with me.
(HEIDI SIGHS) (GRETCHEN SIGHS) Mr.
Collins said he always used to wonder what some students would look like when they grew up, like, when they were a real person.
- I wonder if he ever up-skirted me.
- Now I know what he meant.
It's so nice to see you older, to see what you ended up looking like.
It's nice to see tiny wrinkles.
Gee, thanks.
No.
It's good.
It is! You lived long enough to get wrinkles.
I have something for you.
Aw, remember your mom's Snickerdoodles? Remember when something like cinnamon could make you happy? Cinnamon still makes me happy.
(INHALES DEEPLY) I have cinnamon toast all the time.
How? I just make it.
You make it? It's just sugar and cinnamon, Gretchen.
Yeah, but how do you know how to buy cinnamon? Are you serious? Uh, yeah.
Who knows that? Cinnamon? (SCOFFS) Is there a spice store? Does it come in sticks? Do you have to grind it up like a frontiers lady? Don't be stupid.
I mean, Jesus.
You're an adult.
- Jesus.
- Well, it's true.
COLIN: Uh, just so you know I've had sex.
Like the big kind.
- Yeah? - Good for you.
Tell you what.
If you eat this entire can of cat food, I will suck your dick.
You made a deal.
COLIN: She's right.
You made a deal.
Do you have another can? Okay, then.
- (DOOR SLAMS OPEN) - (GASPS) Police! Everyone hold still.
- Shit! - Get your hands up! - Don't make any sudden moves! - Colin! - Which way do we go? - I don't know! - HEIDI: That way! - OFFICER: Hey, come back Come here! - (SHRIEKING) - (SHOUTING) - (ENGINE STARTS) - (GRETCHEN PANTING) (ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL) (SIREN WAILING) Whose siren is that? Can you see him? No.
But I think he's following us somehow.
- Shit! - (ENGINE REVVING) Just pull over! I have a record! (SIREN CONTINUES WAILING) Okay.
(SCREAMS) (BOTH PANTING) (ENGINE STOPS) (IGNITION SPUTTERS) Well, Mr.
Collins pressured me to take full coverage.
Goddamn pervert.
(YELLS) (LAUGHS) GRETCHEN: Those kids I mean, yeah, they were puking their guts out or eating cat food for BJs, but they were just hanging out together, and that was enough.
That used to be enough.
Boy, I got off track somewhere.
I was thinking I move back and we run the roller rink together.
Don't say anything, but I'm serious.
I probably have a new niece or nephew by now, and our family cat is not gonna be around forever.
Don't move back here, Gretchen.
No, I know.
But it's not out of desperation.
I want to.
Well, I don't want you to.
Is it because I ghosted you in high school? We talked about that.
You didn't ghost me.
Uh, I did.
Well, you might have, I just wasn't aware of it.
Gretchen, we weren't friends then.
Well, maybe we weren't as day-to-day close, but we were absolutely friends.
I have a picture.
You were all cancery.
That was when I came back the first time.
Everyone wanted a piece of that sweet cancer action.
I took photos with everyone.
The reason you never came to the hospital is because I never invited you.
I don't even know what you're talking about here.
We weren't friends after eighth grade.
You became a shape-shifter.
A what? I know you had family shit and you couldn't be yourself around them, but you'd straight-up act like someone different depending on who you were with, then pretty soon there's no real Gretchen.
We'd be best friends on Friday and on the Monday you'd look right through me.
You're just not a great bet to invest too deeply in.
Everyone liked you or wanted you, but no one knew you.
Well I mean - (SPRINKLERS SPRAYING) - (CLEARS THROAT) I mean, do you want to know me now? I made a life.
I'm happy.
I think no, Gretchen.
Not really.
Hey! You owe me half the profits of the roller rink! That was our dream! And just so you know, I was never serious about moving back here! Piece of shit town! You are on your own here, Heidi! You are on your own! So much of what I pushed out once (INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER P.
A.
) Has returned after All these months To go where you have been To be where you are again Come be close (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) And be rested Darlin', come be close And be rested Lines from a stray age News comes 'round from another day's