Zac and Mia (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
X Factor; Treat Yo Self
1 I've always loved numbers.
Numbers are cut-and-dry, black-and-white, no gray area, and they never lie.
My life plans were a carefully calculated equation.
I'd ride my 4.
0 into a choice college, then launch a startup by age 25 that would catapult me into Zuckerberg status.
[school bell rings.]
I even had the next two years of high school mapped out, during which time I would search for the perfect girl.
No clue who that was supposed to be, but I was set on finding the one who'd become integral to my equation.
[crowd cheering.]
So yeah, my life was figured out.
What I didn't consider, what I couldn't have planned for is what we mathematicians refer to as an unknown variable, or X.
My X is calculated by taking my invincible young age of 17 and subtracting one immune system.
Then add thousands of abnormal white blood cells, multiply by 12 rounds of chemotherapy plus one bone marrow transplant, divide it by 50 days of a 100-day quarantine, and the sum of all that is my X Cancer.
Before I had the chance to find the perfect girl and start my perfect life, I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, so screw you, unknown variable.
And prepare to die, baby bro.
You know, society frowns on death threats made in a hospital's oncology ward.
How the hell are you not playing - but you're beating me? - I'm not taking it easy on you.
just 'cause you have cancer, by the way, so don't think that that's happening.
- Dude, shut up.
- [laughs.]
- Boom, bitch.
- Oh, dude.
You're a boner.
You can't do that.
- What? - You're a boner.
At least I'm not alone.
That's the one thing that could make this nightmare worse.
[upbeat pop music.]
JFK was a nightmare, but this hotel, Chloe, is the sickest in SoHo.
Reservation for Mia Phillips.
[telephone ringing.]
[elevator bell dings.]
I think I just saw Harry Styles in the hallway.
[laughs.]
[somber music.]
Hey, let me hit you back later.
[knock at door.]
I'm a nurse, not a bellboy.
Oh, am am I supposed to tip you or something? - [chuckles.]
- First one's free.
My name's Vinny.
So this is all you brought? Yeah, no, I don't plan on staying here long, so Are your parents downstairs? No.
Soyou ready for the grand tour? Oh, my God, dude, you're such a camper.
That was all luck, plus I let you, charity case.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Where's Bec, man? I got to go.
[rock music.]
Hello, I'm here, scrubbing in for Zac duty.
Oh, you know, in some cultures, a teenager can spend a few moments alone.
- Did you know that? - Oh, please.
You'd be bored out of your mind without us here.
Plus Mom and Dad don't feel so guilty for spending all their time working at the vineyard.
And it's the perfect opportunity to steal painkillers from old people.
Are you stoned? You know what'd be good for you? Getting laid.
I'm serious.
This chick I'm seeing she might have a friend.
I read somewhere that cancer's a major turn-on.
Like you read.
Yeah, pity sex on a gurney? Hard pass, but thanks.
Okay, you're welcome.
So long.
Why couldn't I have had at least one sister? Oh, you want mine? She's the worst.
[laughs.]
That almost hit my face.
Ow.
You can run the world with this thing, hmm? Adjust the lights, the blinds, and even the TV.
Oh, and this patient left this Bluetooth speaker behind, so I called dibs for you.
[chuckles.]
[laughs.]
Did this person, like, die? We'll get this place feeling homey as hell in no time.
Here you go.
No, look, I'm not here to get comfortable.
I'm just here to get treatment for my lame leg drama, and then I'll ghost in time for prom.
Mm, we're on a schedule.
Got it.
Wait, what are those? Bedpans.
Are there no bathrooms in here? Hey, relax, huh? You have a private en suite right behind this door.
It's just that a few weeks into your treatment, a trip to the bathroom can seem A bit daunting.
Get some rest.
I'll be back to check on you later.
[guitar strumming.]
You got a new neighbor.
She's already driving Vinny nuts.
- The damage? - Osteosarcoma of the leg.
Add another geriatric to the pile unless she looks like Betty White.
Betty White under the right light's kind of hot.
Oh, she's actually young, like, our age.
Slow your roll, Romeo.
She is so not your type.
I feel like having been in utero together, - I'd know.
- God, shut up.
Okay, what's her deal? We hardly sat down and got Starbucks together, but she seems like a Grade A bitch.
Weird, people say the exact same thing about you.
[loud music blaring from other room.]
See? Someone show that ingrate to respect other people! Relax.
I can tune you out too.
I'm bald like Buddha.
Well, let's see how Zen you are when this audible onslaught keeps you up all night.
Dubstep don't bother me [dubstep blaring from other room.]
Dear God or whatever entity exists, please shut her up.
So I'm just gonna say so You will never be my hero Baby, I'm just gonna say so You can never be my Never be my Can never be my hero [pounding on wall.]
[music clicks off.]
Dude, man up and walk your ass ten steps and ask me politely instead of banging on my wall like a Neanderthal! You know, we're not all here for a stupid bum leg.
For some of us this is life and death.
I would love to come over and hash things out with you, but I'm recovering from a bone marrow transplant, which means I'm immunocompromised, stuck in protective isolation, which is all crazy doctor-speak for "I'm super easy to kill right now," so no, I'm not gonna risk my life to come over there and give you the satisfaction of a face-to-face! [sighs.]
Look, I didn't mean to [knocking at window.]
You're not an old dude.
[soft music.]
Um, sorry to disappoint.
If I keep my music down to a reasonable decibel level, are we good? Hello? Hello? Are we good or not? Yeah.
Um, yeah, we're good.
Good night.
And just like that I can meet a girl worth dreaming about.
[school bell ringing.]
[indistinct conversation.]
[crowd cheering.]
What I didn't consider, what I couldn't have planned for, is another unknown variable.
We all know those people, the magnetic kind, people that when they smile at a mere mortal like you or me, you're blessed? I don't know, whatever people say.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Cute.
- Selfie, kay? One, two.
People so magnetic, others gravitate toward them, orbit around them, inevitably making this human magnet the center of their own universe.
[camera clicks.]
- Cute.
- So cute.
- Really.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Ow.
Is your leg still gnarly? Got to stop showing off in yoga.
Are you sure you're okay? Chloe, that perfume is a lot.
Okay.
I can't believe you're going to New York for some modeling boot camp thing and I'm stuck here in this tragic dump.
I'm sure this is killing Rhys, huh? Eh, he's a big boy.
He'll manage.
Mm-hmm.
Can you give us a minute? Bye.
There's my very own supermodel.
Hi.
Do you have to lie about what's really happening? We've been over this.
You know how quickly I'd be the super sad sick girl all over social media over something that's so not a big deal.
Plus I really need your help with this whole New York thing.
Well, in that case, it is the whole truth and nothing but the truth, Your Honor.
- You're the best.
- I am pretty awesome, huh? Mm-hmm.
Are you sure you're gonna be okay? 100%.
I'll be back in time for prom, okay? Kiss cam.
[camera clicks.]
Shit.
Of course.
She has a boyfriend.
The odds of her having a boyfriend are, like - Who? - Mia.
You said, like, two words to her, and now you're acting like you know her.
I said six words, and I know she starts chemo in the morning.
Rhys? What kind of name is Rhys? [sighs.]
I just saw "Hamilton" and totally don't get the hype.
Hey, how did how did Rhys' basketball game go? Oh, he killed, per ushe.
I told him he didn't have to text me afterwards, but you'd think by now he'd know girlfriends never say what they actually mean.
Oh, boys are idiots.
Hey, um, can you just remind him about tomorrow morning? - He'll know what I mean.
- Yeah, for sure.
[horn honking.]
Hey, my ride's here.
I got to go.
Love you.
[call clicks off.]
[somber music.]
[sighs.]
It's tough.
One moment you're the center of it all, and the next you realize that the universe inevitably spins on without you.
[blinds opening.]
- Happy V-day, mama Mia.
- [groans.]
Let's please not call me that.
Ah, too late, it stuck, sorry.
[groans.]
- [laughing.]
- Oh, no, no, no, mama.
We're on a schedule, remember? Schedule for what? For making you better, and in turn getting you out of my hair.
Wait, what time is it? Why didn't you wake me up sooner? I'm a nurse, not Siri.
He's probably been here for an hour, stuck in that creepy lobby that reeks of old people.
Nobody's here.
I checked.
Okay, well, check again.
Rhys McCann? He has black hair, beautiful eyes.
Everyone says he looks like John Legend and Chrissy Teigen had a baby boy, but he's 17 and a point guard.
Okay, I get it.
Oh, my gosh.
If any guy in this building fit that description, I'd know.
Listen, guys run late, okay? Your treatment will take a couple of hours, and then you can see your boyfriend afterwards.
Well, I don't want to see him afterwards.
He needs to see me now.
Hey, I know you're scared, but I'll be right here.
I mean, I'm no Teigen-Legend love child - [sighs.]
- But, you know, whatever.
He's probably looking for parking or something.
Oh, that's it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, - no makeup before chemo.
- What? You'd sweat it out all over my scrubs.
I would be doing you a favor.
Hey, Mia Okay, I can stall for one hour, and then I'm coming back and breaking down this door.
[sighs.]
- [pop music playing.]
- Ooh.
[sighs.]
Bitch sounds crazy [grunts.]
Which indeed does have its benefits from time to time, but dude, you handled your first chemo like a boss.
Well, I had to.
You know, you all were scared shitless.
Damn it! You know, she hasn't had one visitor, not one person to take care of her, not even her stupid little boyfriend.
Oh, whoa, she's got a boyfriend? - Yes.
- Dude, show me this D-bag.
- That's a hot dude.
- Shut up.
You never know.
She might have, like, a weird fetish for, uh, Voldemort or Charlie Brown, Elmer Fudd, or this basketball, you know, 'cause you're bald, get it? Besides, you're apparently dating mom anyways.
"Bring you real love.
" What? What, dude? What? [gentle guitar music.]
[knock at door.]
Delivery for Miss Phillips.
That's me.
[knock at door.]
Hour's up.
Are we good to go? Yeah.
How's life been treating you? You haven't changed at all Our love is a story incomplete If I'm not careful I might fall How do you feel? Oh, that face means it's working.
Here, I'll put this here in case you get sick, okay? Can you hand me my iPad? It's resting time.
All devices must be powered down and stowed away for landing.
Please? I did what you asked.
Can I please have my iPad? - No iPad, no iPhone - What? And sweet mother of God, no speakers.
No.
You will get them back tomorrow.
Vinny.
No, wait, come back.
I'm sorry, but you need some rest.
No, Vinny, I need my music.
Wait, no, come back.
Vinny, I need my music! [pan clattering.]
[groans.]
- [crying.]
- Vinny, I need my music.
Vinny! - Shh.
- Vinny, I need my music! - You hear that? - What? Play a song for her.
- Play her - No, what? Play her that one with you know, with the words.
Yeah.
Um.
[crying.]
[clears throat.]
Privacy, please? All right, whatever.
Just don't sound like a douche.
You're prone to that.
[door opens, closes.]
[guitar strumming.]
You came into the picture like a natural You were unexpected, got me spiritual I don't want to say it, but maybe it was fate And I cannot contain it And I know, and I know it's a different love And I know, and I know you can make me better It's a love that would keep me holding on And I know, and I know we can only get better I came into your picture such a broken fool A million different pieces looking back at you Believe me when I say this, I was giving up And now you've come and saved me And I know, and I know it's a different love And I know, and I know that you make me better It's a love that will keep me holding on And I know, and I know we'll only get better Oh, hey, hey, we only get better Oh, hey, hey We only get better Oh, hey, hey, we only get better Oh, hey, hey We only get better Love can terrify, and love can start a fire Holding on tonight, we're burning like a lighter Everything inside is burning With desire now Play it again.
[guitar strumming.]
Numbers are cut-and-dry, black-and-white, no gray area, and they never lie.
My life plans were a carefully calculated equation.
I'd ride my 4.
0 into a choice college, then launch a startup by age 25 that would catapult me into Zuckerberg status.
[school bell rings.]
I even had the next two years of high school mapped out, during which time I would search for the perfect girl.
No clue who that was supposed to be, but I was set on finding the one who'd become integral to my equation.
[crowd cheering.]
So yeah, my life was figured out.
What I didn't consider, what I couldn't have planned for is what we mathematicians refer to as an unknown variable, or X.
My X is calculated by taking my invincible young age of 17 and subtracting one immune system.
Then add thousands of abnormal white blood cells, multiply by 12 rounds of chemotherapy plus one bone marrow transplant, divide it by 50 days of a 100-day quarantine, and the sum of all that is my X Cancer.
Before I had the chance to find the perfect girl and start my perfect life, I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, so screw you, unknown variable.
And prepare to die, baby bro.
You know, society frowns on death threats made in a hospital's oncology ward.
How the hell are you not playing - but you're beating me? - I'm not taking it easy on you.
just 'cause you have cancer, by the way, so don't think that that's happening.
- Dude, shut up.
- [laughs.]
- Boom, bitch.
- Oh, dude.
You're a boner.
You can't do that.
- What? - You're a boner.
At least I'm not alone.
That's the one thing that could make this nightmare worse.
[upbeat pop music.]
JFK was a nightmare, but this hotel, Chloe, is the sickest in SoHo.
Reservation for Mia Phillips.
[telephone ringing.]
[elevator bell dings.]
I think I just saw Harry Styles in the hallway.
[laughs.]
[somber music.]
Hey, let me hit you back later.
[knock at door.]
I'm a nurse, not a bellboy.
Oh, am am I supposed to tip you or something? - [chuckles.]
- First one's free.
My name's Vinny.
So this is all you brought? Yeah, no, I don't plan on staying here long, so Are your parents downstairs? No.
Soyou ready for the grand tour? Oh, my God, dude, you're such a camper.
That was all luck, plus I let you, charity case.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Where's Bec, man? I got to go.
[rock music.]
Hello, I'm here, scrubbing in for Zac duty.
Oh, you know, in some cultures, a teenager can spend a few moments alone.
- Did you know that? - Oh, please.
You'd be bored out of your mind without us here.
Plus Mom and Dad don't feel so guilty for spending all their time working at the vineyard.
And it's the perfect opportunity to steal painkillers from old people.
Are you stoned? You know what'd be good for you? Getting laid.
I'm serious.
This chick I'm seeing she might have a friend.
I read somewhere that cancer's a major turn-on.
Like you read.
Yeah, pity sex on a gurney? Hard pass, but thanks.
Okay, you're welcome.
So long.
Why couldn't I have had at least one sister? Oh, you want mine? She's the worst.
[laughs.]
That almost hit my face.
Ow.
You can run the world with this thing, hmm? Adjust the lights, the blinds, and even the TV.
Oh, and this patient left this Bluetooth speaker behind, so I called dibs for you.
[chuckles.]
[laughs.]
Did this person, like, die? We'll get this place feeling homey as hell in no time.
Here you go.
No, look, I'm not here to get comfortable.
I'm just here to get treatment for my lame leg drama, and then I'll ghost in time for prom.
Mm, we're on a schedule.
Got it.
Wait, what are those? Bedpans.
Are there no bathrooms in here? Hey, relax, huh? You have a private en suite right behind this door.
It's just that a few weeks into your treatment, a trip to the bathroom can seem A bit daunting.
Get some rest.
I'll be back to check on you later.
[guitar strumming.]
You got a new neighbor.
She's already driving Vinny nuts.
- The damage? - Osteosarcoma of the leg.
Add another geriatric to the pile unless she looks like Betty White.
Betty White under the right light's kind of hot.
Oh, she's actually young, like, our age.
Slow your roll, Romeo.
She is so not your type.
I feel like having been in utero together, - I'd know.
- God, shut up.
Okay, what's her deal? We hardly sat down and got Starbucks together, but she seems like a Grade A bitch.
Weird, people say the exact same thing about you.
[loud music blaring from other room.]
See? Someone show that ingrate to respect other people! Relax.
I can tune you out too.
I'm bald like Buddha.
Well, let's see how Zen you are when this audible onslaught keeps you up all night.
Dubstep don't bother me [dubstep blaring from other room.]
Dear God or whatever entity exists, please shut her up.
So I'm just gonna say so You will never be my hero Baby, I'm just gonna say so You can never be my Never be my Can never be my hero [pounding on wall.]
[music clicks off.]
Dude, man up and walk your ass ten steps and ask me politely instead of banging on my wall like a Neanderthal! You know, we're not all here for a stupid bum leg.
For some of us this is life and death.
I would love to come over and hash things out with you, but I'm recovering from a bone marrow transplant, which means I'm immunocompromised, stuck in protective isolation, which is all crazy doctor-speak for "I'm super easy to kill right now," so no, I'm not gonna risk my life to come over there and give you the satisfaction of a face-to-face! [sighs.]
Look, I didn't mean to [knocking at window.]
You're not an old dude.
[soft music.]
Um, sorry to disappoint.
If I keep my music down to a reasonable decibel level, are we good? Hello? Hello? Are we good or not? Yeah.
Um, yeah, we're good.
Good night.
And just like that I can meet a girl worth dreaming about.
[school bell ringing.]
[indistinct conversation.]
[crowd cheering.]
What I didn't consider, what I couldn't have planned for, is another unknown variable.
We all know those people, the magnetic kind, people that when they smile at a mere mortal like you or me, you're blessed? I don't know, whatever people say.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Cute.
- Selfie, kay? One, two.
People so magnetic, others gravitate toward them, orbit around them, inevitably making this human magnet the center of their own universe.
[camera clicks.]
- Cute.
- So cute.
- Really.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Ow.
Is your leg still gnarly? Got to stop showing off in yoga.
Are you sure you're okay? Chloe, that perfume is a lot.
Okay.
I can't believe you're going to New York for some modeling boot camp thing and I'm stuck here in this tragic dump.
I'm sure this is killing Rhys, huh? Eh, he's a big boy.
He'll manage.
Mm-hmm.
Can you give us a minute? Bye.
There's my very own supermodel.
Hi.
Do you have to lie about what's really happening? We've been over this.
You know how quickly I'd be the super sad sick girl all over social media over something that's so not a big deal.
Plus I really need your help with this whole New York thing.
Well, in that case, it is the whole truth and nothing but the truth, Your Honor.
- You're the best.
- I am pretty awesome, huh? Mm-hmm.
Are you sure you're gonna be okay? 100%.
I'll be back in time for prom, okay? Kiss cam.
[camera clicks.]
Shit.
Of course.
She has a boyfriend.
The odds of her having a boyfriend are, like - Who? - Mia.
You said, like, two words to her, and now you're acting like you know her.
I said six words, and I know she starts chemo in the morning.
Rhys? What kind of name is Rhys? [sighs.]
I just saw "Hamilton" and totally don't get the hype.
Hey, how did how did Rhys' basketball game go? Oh, he killed, per ushe.
I told him he didn't have to text me afterwards, but you'd think by now he'd know girlfriends never say what they actually mean.
Oh, boys are idiots.
Hey, um, can you just remind him about tomorrow morning? - He'll know what I mean.
- Yeah, for sure.
[horn honking.]
Hey, my ride's here.
I got to go.
Love you.
[call clicks off.]
[somber music.]
[sighs.]
It's tough.
One moment you're the center of it all, and the next you realize that the universe inevitably spins on without you.
[blinds opening.]
- Happy V-day, mama Mia.
- [groans.]
Let's please not call me that.
Ah, too late, it stuck, sorry.
[groans.]
- [laughing.]
- Oh, no, no, no, mama.
We're on a schedule, remember? Schedule for what? For making you better, and in turn getting you out of my hair.
Wait, what time is it? Why didn't you wake me up sooner? I'm a nurse, not Siri.
He's probably been here for an hour, stuck in that creepy lobby that reeks of old people.
Nobody's here.
I checked.
Okay, well, check again.
Rhys McCann? He has black hair, beautiful eyes.
Everyone says he looks like John Legend and Chrissy Teigen had a baby boy, but he's 17 and a point guard.
Okay, I get it.
Oh, my gosh.
If any guy in this building fit that description, I'd know.
Listen, guys run late, okay? Your treatment will take a couple of hours, and then you can see your boyfriend afterwards.
Well, I don't want to see him afterwards.
He needs to see me now.
Hey, I know you're scared, but I'll be right here.
I mean, I'm no Teigen-Legend love child - [sighs.]
- But, you know, whatever.
He's probably looking for parking or something.
Oh, that's it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, - no makeup before chemo.
- What? You'd sweat it out all over my scrubs.
I would be doing you a favor.
Hey, Mia Okay, I can stall for one hour, and then I'm coming back and breaking down this door.
[sighs.]
- [pop music playing.]
- Ooh.
[sighs.]
Bitch sounds crazy [grunts.]
Which indeed does have its benefits from time to time, but dude, you handled your first chemo like a boss.
Well, I had to.
You know, you all were scared shitless.
Damn it! You know, she hasn't had one visitor, not one person to take care of her, not even her stupid little boyfriend.
Oh, whoa, she's got a boyfriend? - Yes.
- Dude, show me this D-bag.
- That's a hot dude.
- Shut up.
You never know.
She might have, like, a weird fetish for, uh, Voldemort or Charlie Brown, Elmer Fudd, or this basketball, you know, 'cause you're bald, get it? Besides, you're apparently dating mom anyways.
"Bring you real love.
" What? What, dude? What? [gentle guitar music.]
[knock at door.]
Delivery for Miss Phillips.
That's me.
[knock at door.]
Hour's up.
Are we good to go? Yeah.
How's life been treating you? You haven't changed at all Our love is a story incomplete If I'm not careful I might fall How do you feel? Oh, that face means it's working.
Here, I'll put this here in case you get sick, okay? Can you hand me my iPad? It's resting time.
All devices must be powered down and stowed away for landing.
Please? I did what you asked.
Can I please have my iPad? - No iPad, no iPhone - What? And sweet mother of God, no speakers.
No.
You will get them back tomorrow.
Vinny.
No, wait, come back.
I'm sorry, but you need some rest.
No, Vinny, I need my music.
Wait, no, come back.
Vinny, I need my music! [pan clattering.]
[groans.]
- [crying.]
- Vinny, I need my music.
Vinny! - Shh.
- Vinny, I need my music! - You hear that? - What? Play a song for her.
- Play her - No, what? Play her that one with you know, with the words.
Yeah.
Um.
[crying.]
[clears throat.]
Privacy, please? All right, whatever.
Just don't sound like a douche.
You're prone to that.
[door opens, closes.]
[guitar strumming.]
You came into the picture like a natural You were unexpected, got me spiritual I don't want to say it, but maybe it was fate And I cannot contain it And I know, and I know it's a different love And I know, and I know you can make me better It's a love that would keep me holding on And I know, and I know we can only get better I came into your picture such a broken fool A million different pieces looking back at you Believe me when I say this, I was giving up And now you've come and saved me And I know, and I know it's a different love And I know, and I know that you make me better It's a love that will keep me holding on And I know, and I know we'll only get better Oh, hey, hey, we only get better Oh, hey, hey We only get better Oh, hey, hey, we only get better Oh, hey, hey We only get better Love can terrify, and love can start a fire Holding on tonight, we're burning like a lighter Everything inside is burning With desire now Play it again.
[guitar strumming.]