Zomboat! (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

1 Thanks.
Oh, there wasn't any sugar.
Legs or arms? Arms.
This has been a really shit morning.
Black Mm, two sugars, mugs above the NutriBullet.
It's the end of the world! Bra on the door handle, rules are rules.
Zombie apocalypse.
It's actually happening.
Cat, we are busy here.
Hold that thought.
- What is up with you? - They're saying it's writing, but it's not, Jo.
It's zombies.
I'm sorting it! - Oh, my God.
- I know.
And he can dance.
Just give us a sec, okay? Oh, my God! - Oh, my god! - Are you okay? - He's a zombie! - Oh, my God! Get off my sister! - Oh, why is it always the hot ones? - A zombie Rumour one.
Oh! Don't worry, they can't work door knobs.
Where's the car? - Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
- What are you doing? Seeing if he can use stairs.
Of course he can use stairs, he's a Pilates instructor! He has amazing core strength! - No, no, no, just wait! - For what? God, oh, my God! That.
Okay! Jo! Jo, we've gotta go! - Oh, how is he not dead? - He is! That's how they work! This way, this way, come on! Panic on the streets of Birmingham last night as authorities have struggled to deal with a range of incidents.
Hospitals have reported people being admitted with bite wounds.
The word "zombie" has been trending on social media sites.
Police advice is to stay inside, and keep your doors and windows shut.
The train to London Houston has been delayed.
Please wait for further information.
Great, we haven't missed it.
You gonna throw up? - Health is wealth, man.
- You got that written on your sports bra? You shouldn't have had the jaeger bombs! Not with your BMI.
It was a stag do, I thought those were the rules.
A man knows his limits.
A man doesn't have slimline tonic.
He does if he wants a defined six-pack.
You're right.
There's nothing more masculine than counting calories to look good in a swimsuit.
Laugh it up, yeah? But I drank like a hero, and didn't throw up on Gav's brother.
I threw up on Gav's brother? You threw up on a lot of people.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, trains from Birmingham New Street Station are cancel - Oh, get me out of this town! - There's a guard over there.
Come, bruv.
Scuse me? Scuse me? Eurgh, Jesus! Whoa, mate! Chill! They move like Walking Dead zombies, not 28 Days Later zombies.
It can't be a zombie apocalypse because that's not an actual thing! Then why don't you explain that to the guy over there eating his own arm? Oh, my God.
Okay, okay.
How did Jude get infected, anyway? Did somebody bite him? - What? No! - Sneeze on his eyeballs? - Did anything weird happening last night? - I'm not sure.
Your boundaries of weird are a lot further out than mine.
- He did get in a fight.
- Wha what happened? This guy from work was of his face.
All hands, you know what it's like.
Maybe you don't.
But Jude stepped in and he was a real gentleman.
Until just now, when he tried to bite my face off.
- And? - And he punched him! - End of story.
- That makes no sense.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
- Where are we going? - Rob's boat.
- No bites or anything? - No.
Wait, what? Rob? My Rob? Can he be your Rob if you dumped him? Anyway, it's about his boat.
Zombies can't swim.
Famously underutilised anti-zombie measure.
Walking Dead would have been over in one series if Rick Grimes had used his brain and gone to the Everglades.
Okay, well, my Guild mate has got a house in London on Eel Pie Island.
And islands are surrounded by water.
And this canal goes all the way from here to London.
You're welcome! That is the most stupid thing I have ever heard.
The world's just changed, Jo.
And so have the rules.
Look, this is gonna be tough for you because you've not seen a single George A Romero film.
But you're my sister and I've got you.
Fucking great.
No signal.
We're trapped.
- We've got water.
- And hand soap.
- We'll be clean when he attacks us.
- Violence is a plea for help.
A plea for help is a plea for help.
That guy's on a psychotic break.
So, let's make him happy by empowering his core needs.
Give me your ticket! Amar, he just tried to bite us.
I don't think his problem is going to be solved by your inspirational quote book.
- You were on the 15:17.
- What? When we came up here, you said you were on the 16:17, but your ticket was for the 15:17! This isn't the time.
Why would you lie about that? I think he's gone.
What the hell is going on? They look like - zombies.
- Oh, at last, a rational explanation.
- Give me or phone.
- What? Mine was in the bag.
We need to post this.
That's like a billion likes, right there.
Stop throwing my stuff! You know Rob's not back from Afghanistan, right? So this is even more pointless.
- Yes, he is, it was on Facebook.
- What? When? - Last month.
Thought you knew.
- Wasn't on my news feed.
- Well, maybe he unfriended you.
- We're still friends.
Friends with benefits, if he's around and I'm bored.
Well, not now he's seeing Julie Johnson, presumably.
What? No way! When he moves on, it's not gonna be with that two-faced cow, Julie Johnson.
Julie! Hi, so good to see you.
Oh, fuck.
Bog! You can't stab her! She's dead already! And I've killed zombies before.
On Xbox! Just because you can press the down button, doesn't mean - I know what I'm doing.
- Call Of Duty isn't real life! - It's a skill set.
- It's a game! It's an esport! That felt really weird! - It didn't even go in! - I felt it scrape! Oh, God, look at all the blood.
Oh, God, I think I hit a bone, I think I hit a bone! I've got some on me! - You need to go deeper.
- It is a bread knife! Do it.
- Try this! - Okay, okay - Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Don't apologise, you've got to mean it! Think of all her bitchy comments.
- My hand's tingly - Oh, come on! - You do it.
- No, no, no, you're doing great.
She's the one who told Mark Jackson you farted in spin class.
She posted that photo that made you look like you've got a lazy eye! She's been shagging Rob since April! - We only broke up in March! - I know! I hate you, Julie Jackson! - I killed her.
- Hey She was dead already.
And a cow.
But they move like Walking Dead zombies, head wound should've killed her.
They are not Walking Dead zombies! They are real zombies! This isn't a game.
This is real life, with real death, and real policemen, who I'm gonna talk to right now.
Jo, don't go, we shouldn't split up! - What's that, another zombie rule? - It's in every horror film ever made.
Don't go into the woods, don't go down to the cellar, don't split up! But do escape the zombie apocalypse by sailing the slowest boat in the world on a canal out of Birmingham? Well, everything sounds stupid out of context! Jo! Jo! Jo! Must be a virus or something.
Rabies First, you lie to me about your ticket We need to get out of Birmingham.
then you spend ten minutes in an Uber, telling me how much you hate the new me! - We need a car.
- Are you even listening? - What? - Course not.
Why would you listen to a gym bunny with drawn-on hair? - What? - That's what you called me in the Uber! I was drunk, I was probably joking.
Not about the hair, obviously.
Look, I get it, man.
I look different with the abs and the skin clarity, but it's still me in here, your oldest friend.
Are you wearing foundation? Yes, because I've improved myself, Sunny, and you could, too, IF you ever got of your sofa.
This is gonna sound strange, Amar, but I don't aspire to be The Rock's Indian twin.
I don't want to spend my money on protein shakes.
I don't need to exfoliate morning and night.
I just wanna get home and shut the door! - Go, go! - OK, maybe they are zombies! You think? Oh, thank God.
Hello? Hello? I hate it when she's right.
No dial tone, shit! Internet's working.
I'll email them.
I don't think we've got time for the police to check their inbox.
- Got a better idea? - Currently? No.
- "Birmingham in lockdown"? - Click on that.
- I have to sign up to a monthly call plan.
- Do it! - I'm pay-as-you-go! - Focus on the situation.
Okay, erm Give me your card.
Well, I'm a bit over this month.
I had a spa day, okay? You still owe me 50 quid and you went to a spa? Focus on the situation.
- Hurry up! - I'm a slow typer! Oh, man! Start again.
Back off! You're stressing me out! Okay We've got the £9.
99, SIM only, unlimited texts, 2GB of data.
99, which does boast 40 gig, and 5.
000 minutes.
- I don't care.
- I'm just trying to save you money! Okay, we're in.
It says We've won a holiday! Get out, get out! Oh, fuck off! Shut up.
Come with me, if you want to live.
I knew you'd come! Later.
- You dropped this.
- Wait - Okay.
- Wait! It's the end of the world.
We're dressed for a sleepover.
You're right.
We need something Appropriate.
You look a bit bondage.
The end of the world has a dress code.
- Coat looks a bit flappy.
- You know, it's not bad at all.
- Waterproof, and quilt-lined.
- Oh, right.
- You? - Yeah, it chafes a bit round the groin, but Yeah, I think it'll wear in.
One hour into the apocalypse, and you have a stalker.
- I barely know him! - And you slept with him anyway.
Well, he's a zombie, you can't judge his behaviour when he's dead.
- Who the hell are they? - Nothing to do with me! Untie her! Why is it always my fault? - Turn it on! - It takes a while to warm the diesel.
You learned how to work a narrow boat just in case there was a zombie apocalypse? - Yes.
- That's pretty niche! Least I was prepared.
What did you do? Netball.
Well, the important thing is that we are faster.
Marginally faster.
- Okay, you were right.
- Was I? For once.
I would rather be on a boat.
Yeah, Rick Grimes is an idiot.
I wonder if Rob's okay.
Wherever he is, he's doing better than his girlfriend.
His rebound! And thanks for the reminder.
Dead body in the galley's a reminder.
Shall we get rid of it? And maybe get a coffee? It's not wearing in.
They've dumped the body now.
We are so screwed.
- We could take them.
- They're wearing leather! Who d'you know that wears leather? The Hells Angels and perverts! It's time to front up, Sonny.
It's time to be men.
Real men.
Is that why you keep dragging me into toilets? - We could take this ship! - It's a terrible idea.
You think everything's a terrible idea! It's time to take control of your life, Sunny.
Get off the sofa.
Okay You're right.
I'm sorry I lied about the train ticket.
- I couldn't face the stag do.
- What? I just wanted some peace and quiet.
- And how's that working out for you? - I've had more relaxed weekends.
We go in ten, nine, eight - I'm sorry about the hair thing, too.
- seven, six I've got a pen, if you need a touch-up.
Five This has been a really shit morning.
Where's my boat?