Zomboat! (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

What do you mean, no? - Is the word too long? - It seemed clear to me.
- Don't make me use this! - This is our boat, Mary Berry.
If this is your boat, who was the woman you threw off? Oh, no.
What is it? It's a lock.
Obviously! Why do you want this boat if you don't even know how to use it? - This canal goes to London.
- Yeah, eventually, it does.
After 137 miles and 166 of these.
There are three tunnels, the Hatton Flight and the Itchington Ten, and that is not even counting Milton Keynes! Are you sure you want this boat? Quite sure.
Fine, serve a purpose, then.
I need one person on each gate.
We've got to get past that before they catch us.
Who made you captain? The total lack of competition.
I mean, no rush.
Potential death this way, certain death that way.
- Push! They'll be here in a sec.
- They're not opening! They will when the water's level! Just keep pushing.
Come on! At what point were you going to mention 166 of these bastards? When you'd warmed up to the idea.
We should be in a car! Cars have roads.
I like roads.
- So who was the body? - Rob's girlfriend.
His rebound shag! I dunno, there's a mug with her face on it in the sink.
What?! Probably from her.
I mean, way too keen.
- Who's Rob? - My ex.
This is his boat.
You killed your ex's new girlfriend and nicked his boat? - She was his rebound shag! - So it's not your boat.
- Can we please concentrate? - It's not moving.
Get back on! - But the gates aren't open! - We'll just have to ram it.
You can put your shirt on now.
Because for all we know, you could have been bitten.
You're deciding that's how it's passed on, are you? Well, not me.
World War Z, 28 Days Later.
I literally could go on and on and on.
I always seek medical advice from people who went to film school.
- Shouldn't be in the red.
- I'm just getting some distance.
Then these irritating stowaways can get off safely.
Well, maybe take it easy.
Rob said it was temperamental.
Yeah, you don't want to damage his boat.
Not when you've spent so much time decorating his kitchen.
Oh, man.
- I really don't like blood.
- You've come to the wrong apocalypse.
Shit.
When did they go to Rome? Like she'd appreciate Rome! Oh, God, that's his parents' house.
Is that Rob? Looks short.
Rob's in the army.
At least he's got skills, jewellery boy.
I can bench press 100 kilos! And I can fit a whole orange in my mouth.
Doesn't mean I'm good at killing zombies.
I need to ring him.
Who's got a phone? Somebody lost mine, trying to Snapchat the apocalypse.
Somebody doesn't appreciate monetising social media.
Kat, pull over.
Zombie death.
They're miles back, and I need my phone.
House is only over there.
I'll loop around and meet you up ahead.
No, you can't get ahead of us, we'll be back that way.
The silence is people waiting for more information.
Well, first we've got to pick up Big Dame Hero, then we turn around, come back this way to London.
- But London's that way.
- Not according to facts.
- Who's Big Dame Hero? - My guild master.
From your computer game? Jo, it's not a game.
It's an MMORPG.
And you're telling me this now? We need to, it's all arranged.
This whole thing was her plan.
This whole thing was your plan! No, no, this was all Biggie.
She's a genius.
She knows more about zombie lore than any of these so-called experts I've met online.
Her in-game banter is unbelievable.
Well, I for one can't wait to meet her.
It's too dangerous.
- We need a phone! - And a car! Right, you've got two hours.
Then we'll be back here with zombies right behind us.
So, a whole orange, or, like, a satsuma? You should go with them.
You should look up "passive-aggressive".
This seems like a lot of effort for some greasy loner with acne and a comic book fixation.
- You've not met her.
- Have you? No, but she's amazing.
She's a boat expert, survivalist, county level crossbow marksman.
Came 14th in Tough Mudder last year, in the men's competition.
She what's going to get us to London.
You met her on the Internet.
I think maybe you should prepare yourself for disappointment.
- Big Dame Hero? - Kattlestar Galactica? Kat.
Real world, real name.
- Amy.
- Welcome aboard, Captain.
I wasn't sure you'd come.
- Who's this? - Oh, nobody.
Oh, you've brought me an expendable crewmember.
Somebody's been watching Star Trek.
- We should get a car.
- It's only round the corner.
No, to get out of Birmingham.
If I could just smash a window, then I could hot wire it.
Ever been to a safari park? Trust me, you want the windows up.
Look, it's not far, let's just stick to the plan.
Bingo! Don't need to be in the army to do this shit.
No, you need a criminal record.
Misspent youth? NCIS New Orleans.
It's easy.
You just pull the wires out from underneath the steering wheel, get two of them, pull them out of the connector, touch them together and voila.
Very impressive.
Oh, perfect.
Keep up! - Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
- Where'd you learn that, CSI Miami? - How's it going? - Bit tired.
No, I mean any sign of zombies? No.
Right, let's get this boat turned.
No, it's fine, I'll do it.
I don't think so.
Okay.
But don't rev too hard.
The blonde one says she's temperamental.
And did she spend three months learning boat engineering on the busiest drydock on the network? Honestly, she doesn't seem the type.
Then maybe we should let Big do the driving.
Fine, I'll be down here, washing my mug.
For fuck's sake.
Black.
No sugar.
Make it two.
Ugh, that's disgusting.
Poor guy.
That's Mr Mulvaney.
Tried to get me in his car a lot over the years.
Never have, never will.
Bag's on top of the wardrobe.
What's this for? Netball.
That's like basketball, but you stand still, yeah? It's an Olympic sport.
So why don't men play it, then? Why indeed? Right, where's my phone? Yes! Rob's two miles away.
And moving.
He's alive.
You track your ex on a stalker app? Number one, it's not a stalker app, it's a security feature.
And number two there's been a change of plan.
We're gonna find Rob.
God, you think there'd be an emergency signal.
Or at least repeats of The Big Bang Theory.
You know, keep the spirits up.
Well, that's an apocalypse I want no part of.
Where are the teas? There was a blood clot in the sink, it put me off.
Who calls themselves Big Dame Hero? I mean, either she's being ironic, and she's not a hero, or she is an actual hero, in which case that's just showing off.
I tagged her, and it stuck.
When we met, she got me out of a really destructive relationship with a bear.
I don't know where to go with that.
I was in an arena team with this girl who identified as a bear, Grizzly Karen.
We lost four on the bounce, and she starts blaming it on me in guild chat, using her plus seven claw ability to really monopolise the conversation.
All that's coming through is blah, blah, computer, blah.
Big challenges her to a duel, kicks her arse, looks down, fires an arrow and says, "Connection terminated.
" And at the exact same moment, bam! Karen's account locked for three weeks.
Coolest thing I've ever seen.
I imagine you've seen a lot of life's cool moments in that monitor.
What I've seen is a lazy man with nothing to offer taking up valuable deck space.
You shouldn't even be here.
What's the expendable doing that's more important than my tea? - Failing to find a TV signal.
- Channels shouldn't be down.
Last I heard, plague's contained in Birmingham.
Yeah, according to the government.
Still, it wouldn't surprise me if he can't work an aerial.
This is a man who likes Big Bang Theory.
He's useless.
Next chance we get, he's history.
That comes across really aggressive with the knife.
God, yeah, you're right.
Sorry about that.
But agreed.
He's off the boat.
Still no answer! He's only two miles away.
I'm not using the word stalker, but isn't this, you know, a bit keen? Get his arms.
There's a key, so you won't have to use your imaginary skill set.
I'm registering my displeasure.
I got him, I got him.
Well, I'm in your car, Mr Malvaney.
You drive.
I'm gonna try Rob again.
Oh, come on! Maybe he hung up because he doesn't want to see you, because he's moved on.
- He wouldn't dare.
- We should go back to the boat.
I am gonna find Rob, with or without you.
Which is it? Well? I don't want to facilitate your unhealthy relationship cycle.
Also, I've never driven a manual.
You can't do that and drive! Watch me.
'Hi, it's Rob's phone.
Leave a message after the beep.
' Hi, Rob, it's Jo.
I know there's zombies and everything, but I've been thinking a lot about us.
Shit! 2% battery.
Reverse! Rob, Jo again.
Hi! Look, I went to the boat.
It wasn't my idea.
And I found Julie.
And, well, we had a fight and she's dead.
Crap! You might want to add the "she was a zombie" bit.
I know, I know, I know! Battery's gone.
Fuck! - Double fuck! - Oh! - Now what? - Rob's not that far.
It's only two miles.
No, don't do it, Jo.
- He's a traffic warden.
- That's no excuse! - They work on commission.
- That's an urban myth.
- They have targets! - So does the NHS! I'm coming, Rob.
No! We're stuck! Busy as usual.
Actually, yeah, I'm naming the zombies.
We have got Indian Jesus, obviously.
Then there's Luke Skywalker.
- It looks nothing like him.
- From the shit sequels.
Oh, yeah.
- Ginger moody one, though.
- Sansa Stark.
And there it is.
Oh, here we go.
A bit of target practice.
They're human, you can't just shoot them.
What do you know! You can't just shoot them.
- Sights are off.
- County champion, was it? Some of us are gonna survive this apocalypse.
And we will need the ammo.
I'm sure they're breathing a huge sigh of relief.
Are you okay? I'm fine.
There, there.
It'll be okay, yeah.
We'll get out of here, find him, and he'll definitely want you back.
Definitely.
You've not been listening at all, have you? I feel I've been listening to you quite a lot.
But please, do explain.
I just need to tell him what a nasty cow Julie Johnson was.
You stabbed her and threw her in a river, now you wanna bitch about her? Yes! Cos otherwise he'll never find out she was wrong for him.
That she's an evil, two-faced backstabber.
He's just gonna remember the early relationship swirl of fluffiness and orgasms! And I'll always be the evil bitch that killed fluffy orgasm girl! So you don't actually want him back, then? I don't know.
No.
I don't think so.
Well, you know what, his girlfriend was a zombie.
You killed her so that he doesn't have to.
You nicked his boat because you needed it to survive.
I can't think of a single ex-girlfriend I wouldn't forgive for that.
Except maybe Beth.
But he's so close.
Look around you, Jo.
There's more pressing issues.
Okay? Let him go.
For a gym bunny, you make some sense.
Okay, let's do this.
What? That button there, that pops the boot.
We hit that, they climb in.
While they're climbing in, we're climbing out.
That sounds a lot like letting the zombies in the car! It's either that or we miss the boat.
Okay.
Okay, we can do this.
We go in five, four I'm on four, Jo! Go, go, go! My bag! Oh, my God! - 40 minutes, time to go.
- Let's roll.
Let's not say let's roll.
And slower this time.
Is that a bite? - That's what you get on the front line.
- Doesn't that mean - It doesn't mean anything.
- But Kat said that Kat thinks the whole genre's canon, but that's just naive.
If you look at all the classics, from Night Of The Living Dead, to Dawn Of The Dead, to Day Of The Dead, to Land Of The Dead, my God, even The Walking Dead, they all say it's airborne, and we've all got it.
And you don't turn until you die.
It's a long-running debate that this proves I've won.
You want another tea? Big Dame Dickhead's been bitten! No, she hasn't, she'd tell me.
No, she wouldn't, because she's an evil, lying, Internet catfish.
- No way.
- Fine.
What are you doing? That's Big's! Looking for lies.
You met her on the Internet, not exactly a hotbed of truth telling.
- I trust her.
- Yet you won't trust me.
- Well, you are quite lazy.
- Lazy? She's a boat engineer who's running an engine too hot.
She knows its limits.
She's a crossbow champion who can't shoot a crossbow.
She was saving ammunition.
She's been bitten and hid it.
That's three strikes.
And here's four.
That's your Big Dame Hero, and she's a Big Dame Fake.
Who are you? Where is Big Dame Hero? I saw the meet up point on guild chat.
Biggy was there, but they'd already got to her.
Please, Kat, I need an hospital.
- Can we throw her in now? - She's a guildy, she needs help.
Who are you? Grizzly Karen! Get off me, you big, dumb catfish! Connection terminated.
Oh, shit.
Connection terminated! - Permission to come aboard? - Permission granted.
Take this.
Seriously, man, any excuse.
Just cover yourself up.
Kat, they're here! - Are you okay? - No.
I lost my phone.
Are you okay? My best friend turned out to be my worst enemy, so I killed her.
Right.
It had all my photos on it.
I think we should let the boys stay.
You've changed your tune.
It's the end of the world, we might need a bit of help.
Plus they're not completely useless.
Not completely.
Did you see Sunny fall in? So where's the car? Long story.
Horrible story.
Who was the woman on the roof? Long story.
Weird story.
I don't like roads, man.
Roads are not safe.
I think the boat's the best bet.
- Do you remember Mr Mulvaney? - Oh, yeah.
He was lovely.
What about him? Nothing.