Only Murders in the Building (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1 You can't disappear for 10 years, then show up and start dragging up a bunch of shit from when we were kids! If you see me around the building, act like you don't know me - because you don't.
- Happily.
They're cleaning out Tim Kono's apartment tomorrow, so we're gonna look around for clues before everything's gone.
- I see you're a musician.
- Oh, good eye.
Is that your bassoon I hear playing through the courtyard every night? It's lovely.
I think of it as the sound of the Arconia.
Oh, that's really sweet.
Well, hello there, Sting! Winnie, don't stand so close to Sting.
She's just on edge after that upsetting death the other night.
Are you suggesting I had something to do with that? - No, no, no, no.
I - Please, your dog.
Control him! I don't like dogs.
Oh Winnie? Who would do this to you? Testing, testing.
We good? I don't need to hear it right now.
Who doesn't love a second chance? Another shot at righting some painful mistake that's haunted you? Or at healing the wounds you may have inflicted.
- Will? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- I got here as fast as I could.
- Get in, get in.
- Where's Winnie? - Just in there.
Hurry! Go! - Just run! - Calm down.
Relax! Relax! But a second chance always comes with risk.
What the fuck is GM? You might make the same mistake again.
Or you might make a worse one.
- Oliver? - I'm in here! Hey, what happened? Are you okay? - The killer poisoned my dog.
- What? My son has her.
He's a vet.
She recovered, thank God, but clearly, we are getting close if they're sending a message to the leader.
Is the leader you? Did they poison your dog? They left this.
"End the podcast or I end you.
" What if Winnie had died? It would be on me again.
And my stupid goddamn visionary ambitions.
Okay, whoever poisoned Winnie clearly killed Tim, - so who did this? - Gather 'round.
Look, I'm gonna record this.
So I know this seems impossible, it's bananas, but I think there's a very strong chance that the person who poisoned Winnie was, and-and this gives me no pleasure in saying this musical superstar Sting.
The guy from U2? - Are you kidding me? - Sting.
- The Police? Roxanne? - Every Breath You Take, only one of the biggest love songs of all time? Who educated you? Oh, now I know.
He did Sledgehammer.
- Ah! Peter Gabriel! - That's Peter Gabriel! Guys, I know who Sting is! And by the way, Every Breath You Take is no love song.
It's about a jealous stalker and surveillance, and it actually seems like it was written by a killer.
Oliver, look, I know you would love to have a celebrity killer, but Sting did not murder Tim Kono.
- Oh, my God.
- What? "Sting loses millions.
"Funds mismanaged by his former investment firm Wright & Ogilvy.
" That's Tim's old firm.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Didn't dead cat guy say that Tim Kono got fired because he lost some big client's money? Tim Kono lost Sting's money.
It's always about the money! This is exactly like Die Hard! Could it be this simple though? Tim just got murdered by some pissed-off client? Oh, boy! Sting is on Ursula's list of people who were in the building the night of Tim's murder, and on her list of people who stayed during the fire alarm.
How did you miss that? Because it was Sting! I figured he stayed behind to write some fucking masterpiece.
Guys, this is actually something.
Okay, and if it is We have hit the mother lode.
Rock icon Sting is a dog-poisoning murderer.
He's like the next OJ.
A hot Buddhist OJ.
I will say this is our strongest suspect yet, next to tie-dye guy.
- Enough with tie-dye guy! - We cannot forget about tie-dye guy! But if we're gonna go down this road, we need some advice.
With someone this big, you only get one shot.
We need Cinda Canning.
Uh, well, sure.
I mean, who wouldn't want the Queen of Murder Podcasts, but how? Well, I could work my connections.
I do know that we go to the same cupcake store.
I think I can do better than that.
Try that again.
I think I can do better than that.
Okay, maybe I can cut these two together and then redo it.
- Charles, hi.
- Hey, Arnav, how's it going? Good.
Nice to see you.
It's funny.
Uh, Anaya was just FaceTiming with Lucy.
She asked about you.
Oh.
Th-that's nice.
So, anyway, so I have this faint memory that you're parent friends with Cinda Canning? Something about circus arts class Tuesday morning? Uh, yeah.
That's exactly what it is.
Well, you know, I'm working on this podcast I mean, we're not that close.
You know, I don't want to put you in a weird position, but this podcast is the first thing that's really got my juices flowing in a long time.
- Yeah.
Sure.
- Hey.
Really? I'm sure she'd be happy to help the next generation.
Or anyone looking to learn.
Thank you.
So, um Lucy seems happy? She does.
That's good.
Thanks again.
I can't believe you got us this meeting.
- Yeah.
- Well, I did.
And I think I should run it, too, because we need this one thing to run smoothly, okay? - Okay.
Sure.
- All right.
If you think that's smart.
And if we go in there yelling, "Sting is a killer," Cinda's gonna think we're lunatics.
Oh.
Hi.
H-hi.
I mean, hi.
I said, I said, hi.
Ha! Hi.
We met on another elevator.
- Hello.
- Right.
You two do this a lot? Oh, just on the weekends.
Well, you're dolled up.
Man only dresses like that when he's off to see a woman.
Well, uh, yeah.
Yeah, I-I guess I am.
For a business meeting.
Yes.
Uh, that's correct.
And I can see you're going to be a a sexy bassoonist.
Based on your shirt only! Uh, not based I'm gonna stop you before you accidentally say I'm not sexy.
Please, stop me.
Someone stop me.
Well, it was nice seeing you again.
You, too.
Hope to hear your playing tonight like always? You'll hear me bassooner or later.
Well, someone was a little flirty.
It was a lot of bassoon jokes, but she's cute.
- Mm-hmm.
- You should ask her out.
Oh.
Nah, I'm too set in my ways.
Plus someone in the building, if it doesn't work out - Now's not a good time, so.
- Right.
You should wait.
Plenty of time.
You know, 70 is the new 40.
I want you to be less mean.
I know you do.
Hello! Hello! Hi! Hi! - Hi Whoa! - Oh, my God! - Hello, how are you? - Thank you so much for taking the time.
- We're huge fans.
- Oh, please.
Go on.
Really, you're the reason I care about murder.
And you're the reason we all met! It's true.
And the lengths that you have gone to while undercover.
The time you were buried in raw sewage for eight hours? You know what it feels like to be buried up to your chest in sewage? What? Like a Peabody! Oh, that-that's clever.
Cinda won the Peabody in 2018, ha.
And again in 2020.
- Yes.
- Ah.
Cinda, as I know you know, I'm a director, - so I can't help - Sorry to interrupt.
The call is in, Cinda.
Line two.
Thank you, Cindy.
- There are three of them.
- It's a value pack.
I'm so sorry to have to take this.
It's just, uh, well, it's silly really.
We just We may or may not be about to get bought for $30 million.
- What? - Whoa.
- Take it.
- Hello! What will it mean to get "bought"? She won't stop making podcasts, will she? Uh, what they're buying is her.
- Oh.
Of course.
- Ah So, you want to make a podcast.
I usually steer aspiring podcasters to a course at SUNY Oneonta.
It's taught by a former assistant of mine Well, well, well, we're not complete novices.
In fact, we are already working on a murder podcast, and we've already come across something really huge.
Wait, wait, just go back.
Did you, uh, you know the, uh, 30 million? So glad you asked that.
Uh, yes.
We have been acquired.
- Big day.
- Whoa So, you were on to something huge.
- It involves a major celebrity.
- Whom we cannot divulge.
Suffice it to say, he'll be watching you.
I don't get the reference, I'm sorry.
He thinks every little thing you do is magic.
Sting.
And he poisoned my dog.
Sir Sting.
- Sting! - From The Police, ironically.
I know it sounds crazy.
I'm sorry.
Did you say he-he poisoned your dog? Well, it was a message to the leader.
Poppy, give me a tagline for a show where Sting is the killer.
We should've suspected when we entered the hornet's nest we wouldn't escape without a sting.
Ooh.
She's really got the voice down, doesn't she? And the writing will come! So, you were saying Well, you know, we need your advice on how to get Sting to sit down with us.
Right.
How do we get in? Okay, well, with a public person, the key is to enter in a way that disarms them.
For example, with OK, I was able to get the mayor's confession by showing up at his house with a fully cooked turkey.
- Of course.
- A turkey.
Who turns someone away who has cooked them a 19-pound turkey? - We bring Sting a turkey? - Well, I mean, - find your version of turkey.
- Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Of course.
That's so helpful.
We just don't wanna make a mess of this.
Ah-ha! Lean in for the nugget, folks.
Are you ready for the nugget? Embrace the mess.
That's where the good stuff lives.
I love you so much.
Embrace the mess.
That's beautiful.
What? You think I can't do it? Did you not see what I did today? Hate when people say hhhummus.
It's hummus.
You just relax it.
So you, like, never eat an actual meal.
Dips are an actual meal.
I keep telling you this.
And no dish washing.
It's all containers and fingers.
Gross.
Fuck off.
We're here to brainstorm on what our turkey should be.
What do we bring Sting? I actually have plans.
Are you wearing cologne? Wait, are you going on a date? Did you ask out sexy bassoonist? Really?! This is so cool! What are the plans? I feel like I need to approve them.
Excuse me.
I have been dating decades longer than you've been alive, and I'm especially expert at first dates.
Because that's what I mostly have.
Oh, bubbeleh.
What's wrong? Give the weight to the young people.
- We can bear it.
- I just I just find dating exhausting.
I think, what do you share? What do you not share? And if it works out, scary.
If it doesn't work out, scary.
After every date, I just want to go home and plant my face in a pillow and never go out again.
- Oh Jesus.
- Okay.
Wow.
You need to relax, okay? Just have fun.
Laugh.
Flirt.
Isn't it insulting to flirt now? Well, who the hell knows? Suddenly, it's rude to tell a secretary she looks pretty in a pair of slacks.
No.
To that whole sentence.
Compliment her purse.
If it isn't on their body, you can like it.
No.
Again, to every word that's coming out of your mouth.
Listen, I'm really glad you're doing this.
Being alone in life is making you a little weird.
Thank you? Just try not to nosebleed all over her.
That would be bad.
Okay, can I please have my hair guy come do you? Trim the ear lobes at least.
They're So, I kinda had two childhoods.
One where I was a happy only child with married parents, and a second one where I had an absent father and a new half-sister, who somehow could do no wrong.
Who stole both my dad and the flute, leaving me the bassoon, my second choice.
So, you and the bassoon were clearly meant to be.
Is your sister first chair of anything? I can't believe I told you all that.
I think your body language makes me feel very comfortable.
Ha.
Ha Wha-what about it? I took a class on non-verbal communication, and people who keep their hands up uncrossed on the table, like you were - Mm-hmm.
- are considered more trustworthy.
No one trusts a person who clasps their hands.
- Well, yeah.
I get that - Palms up.
Very comforting.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that's, uh, the Last Supper pose.
No one more comforting than Jesus.
But, you wouldn't wanna date Jesus because you'd just be worshiping him all the time.
So, um tell me more.
Um The being second thing for me is kind of a theme.
So, the last guy I was dating never put me first.
I mean, he wouldn't let me order food first.
If we both had to pee, he'd pee first.
I mean, whatever.
My therapist says we're all driven to recreate the dynamic of our first wound, so we can change the ending.
Woof! That was a lot.
Your turn.
My turn for what? Well, how did your parents wound you? Oh! Tell me about your last relationship.
Oh, yeah Well, let's just see here.
Um First, um My parents were great.
Yeah.
And my, uh, last girlfriend, uh, was perfectly nice, and, uh, ended well.
How's your cheese? You like the cheese? Oh, you know what? I love that purse.
It is so unusual.
You know, the sharing of stories is kind of transactional.
When someone gives you a story, you owe them one of equal or greater value in return.
Oh, so it's my turn to tell you my red flags? Uh, but I'm not keeping any big secret or anything like that.
It's just not everyone has a ton of baggage.
Not that you have, uh, any more baggage than anyone else! You have the exact right amount of baggage How we doing? Another round? - I think I'm good.
- Yeah! Oh.
Sometimes, a second chance is just another chance to get it wrong.
And blowing it twice can cause you to make some weird choices.
We're just going with the turkey.
- What? - Sorry to wake you.
The bird's two hours in, and my oven conked out, so I'm gonna need yours.
'Cause even a killer does not deserve botulism.
Oh, my God.
I forgot your big date.
- Is-is she in there? - No, no.
I'm alone.
Oh.
Mm, sorry.
- Do you want me to leave? - No! I want to solve this murder, - so catch me up.
- All right.
Sting is on the run.
I heard from Ursula he has moved his Rainforest Tour up, and is leaving in two days.
Suspicious? Also, he's renovating his apartment when he's gone because, apparently, he wants a "fresh start.
" I bet he does, right? Anyway, Mabel has plans in the afternoon, so that only leaves tomorrow morning.
And, you know, at 20 minutes a pound So, we're gonna bring Sting a morning turkey? Ye I know, it's weird, but I figure if we also brought coffee Yeah, listen.
- I know this is nuts - No, no, no.
That's exactly why it'll work.
Because it's surprising.
No one ever brings anyone a turkey with bad intentions! Exactly! Wow.
I am amazed.
I didn't think you'd be onboard with this.
I'm so onboard with this.
Because this is how I'm gonna fill the rest of my days with hobbies, and my hobby is solving murders.
I'm gonna go on vacation with murders, and one day, murders are gonna sit by my bed and feed me broth because I'm losing my swallow reflex.
We're embracing the mess, right? So, gimme that baster, and let's make a mess.
Oh, my God.
Look at this.
Okay.
- Testing.
- It's on, it's on.
- Turkey delivery! - I hope you're hungry! Anita, are we expecting a turkey? I hope not! You certainly don't need a second one! I'm not seeing a turkey on your schedule, sir.
So, we live in the building, and we thought it would be a good community-builder if every week, we made a turkey and brought it to a neighbor.
So, should we just, uh, leave it here, or should we - Are you - Yes! That's right.
CBS, nine seasons.
Wow.
Oh, gee Oh! Come in.
Okay, uh, full disclosure.
This is actually the first time we've done this, and now we know how weird it is that we didn't bring some yams.
That's true.
You're the guy doing the podcast.
- I am.
- Look, I-I'm sorry how I was with your dog.
I was having a rough day.
Yeah.
Uh, we heard you knew Tim Kono.
Was he a good guy? I didn't know him personally.
He used to work for me.
I fired him.
You fired him? - Why did you do that, Sting? - That's personal.
Sting.
I know that you know that I know what it's like to be famous.
Strangers think they have a right to know our business.
But they never know the real us, and it's isolating.
It can make us act poorly.
I feel I'm too close to Sting.
So, on top of that, Sting, this punk Tim Kono lost all your money.
It might just make you snap.
You know, might make you even murderous.
What are you all getting at? You think Tim's death is my fault.
Well, you're right.
I killed him.
- Sir - No, Anita, I need to release this.
I've been so full of rage lately The day before Tim's death, I-I screamed at him.
"You fucked me over! You're fired! You should kill yourself!" And then he did.
And that's why you poisoned my dog! B-b Wait, I'm sorry.
What did you say? Okay, I can't believe I even have to say this, but Sting is not a murderer.
- Or a dog poisoner.
- So you think Tim was murdered? I know he was.
Oh, my God.
What a relief! I-I've been racked with guilt.
I thought he killed himself because of me.
And You know, th-that's why we've moved the tour up.
That's why we're gutting this apartment, and the building is just seeped in, in guilt and regret.
It's given me an idea for a song.
I thought it was me And I was so low But my words didn't put a bullet Into Tim Kono Oh, no I don't think it's gonna make your best-of album.
Well Uh, okay It's hard writing songs.
Okay.
Thank you for the turkey.
Please stay away from Sting.
Fuck.
Another dead end.
Well, I could use a drink and a dip.
- Anyone join me? - I'm gonna go for a run.
How about you, Charlie? Checkers? Chazz! Sure, fine.
But I have one more mess to embrace first.
My last relationship lasted six years.
We met under false pretenses.
It was at a hot springs in Iceland, on a trip my sister dragged me on.
Now, I hate nature, I hate traveling, but I didn't tell my ex that.
Emma.
That's my ex.
So, she thought she was getting "adventurous actor guy," so she moved in.
And she brought with her her 7-year-old daughter.
Lucy.
I tried to give Lucy some stability.
You know, a-a routine, and I would cook her favorite omelet in the morning, and she loved it, and I loved it, but my ex didn't.
So, I booked a Caribbean cruise - for our anniversary.
- That's romantic.
Yeah, that's what she thought.
And then I clarified it was actually a family fun cruise.
So, day three, there was an island tour, and Lucy and I just wanted to skip it.
But, Emma insisted that Lucy go.
And they never came back.
- They went missing? - No.
They flew home from St.
Croix.
So, I stayed on the family fun cruise for the next five days, alone, except for Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig, who I had paid extra to be at our anniversary dinner.
Emma thought a hard break would be best for Lucy, so I really haven't spoken to her since.
And I've been haunted by it.
And by Bugs and Porky.
You know, I don't share this with people because I'm, frankly, embarrassed by it.
But, I'm telling you this because I like you.
And I would like a second date.
Woof.
That was a lot.
Woof, woof.
Okay.
But if anyone's wearing an animal suit, it better be you or me.
Thank you.
I will call you.
What's more dangerous? Taking advantage of a second chance, or letting it pass you by? - Ah! - What happened? I shared.
I got a second date.
I need to sleep for a month.
Ah! A pillow No, no, no, no.
This is good.
This is progress.
Tell me everything.
Can't we just have a drink and sit quietly? I've had enough big reveals for today.
Hey, Dad.
Looks like Winnie got everything out of her system.
Willie! Charles, this is my son Will.
Will, this is Charles-Haden Savage.
- Nice to meet you - Yeah, you, too.
Uh, so Dad, I listened to your podcast.
You didn't tell me you were doing it with Mabel Mora.
Why, you know her? She used to stay here during school breaks.
She hung out with this group of kids, and one of them was Tim Kono.
- Wait, what? - She knew Tim Kono? She 100% knew him.
What does that mean? Why would she not tell us that? I mean, maybe because she thinks it looks suspicious.
Especially since the last time she was here, one of the other friends died.
She got pushed off the roof.
- What? - That girl is bad news.
Can you just say all that one more time? "What happens when your second chance becomes your last shot?" Is a line of dialogue from Brazzos, episode 713, which prophecized what would happen 15 years later when a fake detective decided to become a real one.
When he and his true crime fan buddies took a second chance and became the subject of our next investigation.
Stay tuned for Only Murderers In The Building, coming this fall.
Until then, I'm Cinda Canning.
And remember, if you need a domain, website, or online store, make it with Squarespace!