Only Fools and Horses (1981) s03e05 Episode Script
May the Force Be with You
Yeah.
So, right I said to her, I said, 'Bernice'I said That her name is it? Bernice! Yeah, Trigger, that's why I called her Bernice, you know.
Right! I said, 'Don't play with me girl 'cos you are playing with fire.
I said, 'Don't you dare try an' tie me down! She's into all that, is she? No, Trigger, I meant in a, you know, spiritual sort of way! I mean she's not - no - see, 'cos I'm a free agent Trigger.
Wherever I lay my hat, right, that's my home! That's the sort of guy I am.
YeahYou got a hat now then have you Dave? No, no, Trigger it's a saying.
You know.
Anyway - I had a hat once! Yeah? So I could see she was upset you know.
Someone nicked it at a party! Really? Yeah, well She was crying, begging me not to leave her.
And my return ticket in the brim.
I had to walk all the way home from Plumstead! I'm gonna phone Del and see if he can come down for a drink.
What colour was your hat, Dave? - Pink! - Same here! Sorry! You will be if it happens again sonny.
Trigger! Oh! Er, watcha Roy! Long time, eh? What brings you round this way, I thought you were stationed in West London.
I missed you all didnt I? I got meself transferred back to the old parish.
And it's not Roy any more.
You can call me Mr Slater, Detective Inspector Slater, or just plain sir! Mine's a large scotch! Right! A large scotch, love.
Know anything about a microwave oven? No, I'm no good with electrics and that! I'm not asking you to mend the bleedin' thing am I! I'm talk-ing a stolen microwave oven! Someone lifted one off the back of a lorry in Lewisham Grove earlier on! Yeah? Tch, Some people! Yeah, some people! So, what are you up to these days Trigger? - Still doing a double-act with Monkey Harris? - No, I ain't seen Monkey for ages.
- And what about Boycie? - Dunno, I ain't seen him for years! Really! And how about my favourite man? How's good old Del Boy keeping? Haven't a clue, I ain't seen him for a long time! No, you ain't seen much of anything lately, have yer? You ought to eat more carrots, Trig! Well upon my soul! It's Boycie! Oh! Hello Roy.
What a nice surprise! And what a coincidence as well! That you two should happen to be drinking in the same pub! I mean, how long is it since you last saw Trigger? Ooh, er, it must be at least two months.
Trigger said years! Oh, yeah now you come to mention it, it must be two years! Time does fly, don't it? Certainly does! Seems like only yesterday I was pounding the beat around here.
They were the good old days weren't they, eh? - Triffic.
- Great.
How's Marlene these days? Oh, you know, still the same! Is she? Dear, dear, dear.
I heard that you're dabbling in the video game! Oh yeah.
It's just a side-line, you know.
I heard a whisper that your flogging pirate tapes.
Yeah, Treasure Island, Mutiny on the Bounty.
I'm surprised to hear Del Boy's still at the same place.
Yeah, still there! Oh, he's er thinking of moving though.
Emigrating actually.
Emigrating? Yes, I bet these developing nations must be crying out for fly-pitchers! Well, I must be off! So soon? After all these years I'd have thought you two would have a lot to talk about! Yeah, well, we do, but, uh, I have just seen a business acquaintance of mine.
Hello Rodney! Well, see yer Roy.
Yeah, see yer Boycie.
Give my love to Marlene! Everyone else used to!Rodney? Weren't Del's kid brother called Rodney? Oh, I don't know Mr Slater.
No, you're deaf, dumb and blind these days ain't yer! I bet you're a wizard on the pinball machine! Hello Rodney.
Nice to see you again! Boycie! I was talking with you last night! Oh, were you, oh yeah, of course you were.
Memory must be slipping.
Well, take care of yourself, see you around! Yeah, see yer Boycie! Don't tell me You're Del Boy's brother Rodney! Am I right? I was at school with Del, sat next to him in class.
Haven't seen you since you was a little nipper.
Really? What's your name? DetecRoy, Roy Slater! Roy Slater? No, no, I can't recall him mentioning it.
Perhaps he called you by a nickname? Yeah, knowing Del that's about it! Well I'm away now Mr.
Slater.
Behave yourself Trigger.
Well, well, well What is up with everyone today? They've been at the booze, ain't they? So - fancy bumping in to you! Shame Del Boy couldn't have made it.
Well d'you know I've just this minute come off the phone to him.
He was coming down for a swift one but he got involved with a bit off business, something to do with a microwave oven Is that right? Well, I'd loved to have met him again.
It'd have been a real surprise for him! Well, I tell you what, why don't you come back to the flat and have a beer? Could I? Oh, Well that would be smashing! Yeah, yeah, I'll go and give him a bell.
No! You'll spoil the surprise! Oh yeahHey, I can't wait to see his face when you come through the door, eh? It'll be a picture Rodney, It'll be a picture! I mean, I don't ask much of you, do I? But even when I ask you to do the simplest things you let me down! Oh shuddup! She won't wanna know me know will she, not after last night! I ain't bothered! I invited her all the way over from Canning Town for a nice quiet intimate candlelit dinner.
And all I asked you to do was to put the box of wine in the fridge and my tub of Neapolitan ice-cream in the freezer.
But no, you get that arse about face, don't you? So come nine o' clock, all I could offer her was a bowl of gunge and a Beaujolais ice lolly! Ruined my entire evening it did! What are you doing? I'm trying to get 'The Dukes of Hazzard!' The 'Dukes of Hazzard!' This is a microwave oven you dozy old twonk! Gordon Bennett, you'll be putting frozen pizzas into the portable next! Come out of the way, will yer! You're lucky you didn't barbecue yourself! Now just leave it alone! Hey Del, guess who I met down the pub? Well, whoever she is, don't invite her back here for dinner! No, it's one of your old school mates! Hello Del Boy, long time, eh? - Slater!! - In all me glory! - I told you he'd be surprised didn't I? - Yeah!! - Is this your Grandad? - No that's the au-pair innit! Watcha Grandad.
You wouldn't remember me, Roy Slater, I used to be in Del's class at school.
Well, well, that's a turn up for the book innit Del Boy? Yeah, innit just? Rodney, get Roy one of them lagers in the fridge.
Yeah, right! Yeah, well, I'll just, er, yeah, I'll just give Rodney a hand.
You carry on.
What the bloody hell are you trying to do to me? Don't you know who that is? Yeah, he said he was an old mate! He's not an old mate - he's an Old Bill! And when I say an Old Bill - I mean an Old Bill! That geezer out there'd nick you for anything you did! In fact, he'd nick you for anything you didn't do and he wouldn't let a silly thing like innocence get in the way! I didn't have a clue, Del.
I swear! You Wally! Alright, alright! We gotta play this nice and cagey! Now listen, you've gotta, be careful what you say to him, because that fella in there, he collects informers the way other people collect stamps.
He's got a few grasses - has he? No he ain't got a few grasses Rodney - he's got an entire lawn! Right, when you go back in there, only speak when you are spoken to, and then keep it down to a simple yes or no! Think before you blink, If God's smiling on us, we might just get away with it, Alright? Get them beers.
Does it cook as quickly as they claim? Oh, I - I don't know so much about that.
We ain't used it yet.
No? That's strange, it feels hot.
Yeah, well here y'are, come and cool your fingers down on this Roy me boy! There you go.
And how's the police force treating you? Police?? Not too bad.
Got promoted a while back, I'm Detective Inspector now.
Oh, congratulations.
A few years from now you could be advertising tyres! How's the family? I don't see much of 'em these days Del.
The Old man's still not talking to me.
No, well, he's probably still got the needle over that time you nicked him! He nicked his own father?? I had no choice! If there had been a way of avoiding it I would have.
But his rear light was defective! I mean what else could I do? It's true, he'd only borrowed the bike to go down the fish shop an' all! That's right! It was just a twist of fate.
But you've gotta understand, at the time I was young and keen.
Now that I'm older and more experienced, I regret doing it! Leave it out Slater.
You've never regretted a nick in your life! Now that's not fair Del! You're judging me by the Roy Slater that you used to know.
But I've changed in lots of ways.
Things that were important to me in the past mean nothing now.
I used to be enthusiastic, career minded, but what've you got at the end of the day? You've won your stripes - and lost your friends.
Oh come on Roy.
You didn't lose your friends! No? You didn't have any to lose in the first place! Yeah, I suppose you're right! Del, maybe one evening - if you're not to busy we could have a couple of beers together? Yeah, well, see how it goes shall we? Yeah, alright, thanks for the drink.
Nice seeing you all againI'll see myself out.
Oh, by the way, you're all under arrest! Yes, sirOh yes, well, thank you very much sir, very nice of you to say so well I can only have them for receiving, sir, but one of them's an old mate and I get the feeling that if I treat him nicely enough he might be - persuaded to volunteer the name of the real thief Oh yes sir, you know me sir, I play everything by the book, sir.
Well, there's three of them actually, sir.
Yes, I arrested them single-handed! Well I don't think of the danger, sir, I simply see it as my duty! Well, I'll get back to your sir, as soon as I've got some information.
Okay sirThank you very much, sir.
Thank you once again, sir.
Okay, sir.
Bye for now, sir.
Do you know who that was? The wife? That was the assistant commissioner.
You wanna be a bit more careful about your health son.
In the last 'alf hour you've done so much boot-licking you could be going down with cherry blossom poisoning! Have you informed them of their rights, Constable? Oh yes sir! Yeah, and I demand the right to phone my solicitor! Sit down and behave yourself! I'm saying nothing 'til I've phoned my solicitor.
Go'n then! phone your solicitor! I haven't got a solicitor! Well don't waste my bloody time then! Just calm down will yer! Just calm down.
Now listen Slater, I think I've find a way in which we can clear this mess up.
What, you tell me the name of the person that nicked the microwave? No, I give you 50 quid and you let us go! I didn't hear that Del! I said, I give you 50 quid Did you hear that Hoskins? Oh yes sir, loud and clear.
Oh, you really are a star Del Boy, you really are a star! You are now down for receiving stolen goods and attempting to bribe a police officer! You never complained about it before.
Did you hear that Hoskins? Er, sorry, sir.
Miles away! Right, who 'alf inched the microwave? Was it Trigger? Come along gentlemen, I want a name! We found it, didn't we Rodney? Yeah, yeah - down the market! This bloke, sort of dropped it! Oh, he dropped it did he? Didn't you call after him? Well yeah, but he was a bit mutton, wasn't he.
Oh, I see, Well that explains it! I just wish you'd have told me earlier, it would have saved us all this trouble! It's easily done constable.
You're walking along the street, your mind on other things, you take your handkerchief out of your pocket and, bang, you're microwave falls out.
Take these two down the corridor and put them in separate rooms! I'll be along later to get their descriptions of this stone-deaf villain! And, oi! No conferring! It's bleedin' starters for ten now! I see Boycie's selling pirate videos now! YeIs he? Which number in King's Avenue does he live? I dunno! But you can't miss his house, it's the one with the Jolly Roger flying from the chimney! Oh, that takes me back Del Boy! D' you remember when we was kids, Used to go over the pond to play at pirates? You were Dan Tempest - Trigger was Long John Silver.
And what character did I play Del? You played the bloke what walked the plank.
Oh, yeah! The bloke that walked the plank! I was always the bloke that walked the plank, wasn't I? I must have been in and out of that pond more times than a duck's head.
I always wanted to be Bluebeard! Well you should have said so! I did say! But you'd never let me! I did - once! Oh yeah I remember.
That was the day Bluebeard had to walk the plank weren't it? I tried to be friendly Slater, but you were such a snide there was no helping you! You tried to be friendly? Like when?? Do you remember that time when all the boys dragged you to the ground, and Fatty Walker sat on yer face and Trigger put all that itching powder in your belly button? Vaguely! Yeah, well I was the one that made 'em stop at your belly button! They were all for having your braces off! And how did you repay my act of kindness? You caught me behind the bike shed with some bird and you went and told the headmaster! It was my sister! See, you always let personal feelings creep into it, didn't you? Right! Down to business! The face that dropped the microwave oven in the market! What did he look like? Oh, he was about average height.
He was a great big tall fella! Oh, he was little more than a dwarf! - Age? - About 25.
- Middle fifties! - He was just a kid! What about his ethnic group? Well, I didn't notice anyone with him! - No, I mean was he Caucasian? - No he was a white fella! He was African, I think! - Is he allowed to keep us here this long? - No.
- Does that mean we can go then? - No.
Triffic! Well, you shouldn't get yourself involved with hooky gear should you! No, no, you're absolutely right young Terry! How's that gas fire I sold yer Mum, alright is it? Oh, er, yeah, cheers Del! Look, why don't you do yourself a favour and give him the name of the bloke? He'll get it out of you in the end, he always does! Slater's a nasty piece of work.
The only people that hate him more than the villains, is us coppers! Supposing I gave him the bloke's name, what would happen to him? See that filing cabinet over there? That his full to the top with unsolved crimes.
Slater would lay the whole lot on the bloke.
So after only two weeks at the station he'll have doubled the conviction rate.
The public are reassured, Slater gets his promotion, and the Commander takes another step closer to his CBE! And everybody's happy! All except the poor sod who's gone down the Kermit! Na, I'm not gonna tell him nothing.
Well watch out for him, Del, he's got no scruples, he'll try anything! Alright Hoskins, you can have yer supper break now.
Oh, thank you very much, sir.
Shame the canteen's just closed innit? Sorry Del, did you want a cup of tea? No, it's all right, Slater, I had one yesterday! Sorry, Del Boy.
I'm just reading these descriptions of the Phantom of the Market! Oh, it's good, Del.
It's good! According to you and your family, we are looking for a 6ft 7in dwarf, aged between 15 and 50, a white male with oriental features, who's as black as Newgate's knocker! And, oh yeah, he wears a deafaid! Not a lot to go on inspector! If I was to take this lot into court I could have you for perjury as well! I've just found this in our records department.
I hope it's Barry Manilow! No, it's not Barry Manilow Del! It says here Criminal file number 94628/A76.
Name: Trotter! Rodney! Now, listen Sla - Roy.
Now, just here now come on.
Let's leave Rodney out of this, eh? He was a right little scallywag at that art school weren't he? Caught in some tart's room puffing a Moroccan Woodbine.
Now listen, he was innocent! Well, not according to this he weren't! He only went down to her room to borrow some charcoal! Whatever he was smoking when the police burst in, it weren't charcoal Del! Now, I wonder what would happen if, horror of horrors, I was to discover an illegal substance in one of Rodney's pockets.
Leave it out Slater - you know Rodney's got nothing in his pockets! That's soon remedied.
I see, and what are you gonna stitch Grandad up with, eh? Found in possession of a forged bus-pass, or demanding protection money from the local Derby and Joan club? Oh no, I'll see that Grandad's kept out of this.
And while you and Rodney are away sewing mail bags - Grandad'll be back on the estateAlone! Just what is that supposed to mean? Dangerous places them estates Del! I do hope Grandad doesn't fall victim to the mindless filth that walks our streets! I thought you drove everywhere nowadays.
Listen to me Slater - I know a lot of coppers and they're all good blokes.
I mean, I don't like 'em, but they play a fair game.
And then there's you, you dirty stinking Steady Del! I don't want to have to add abusive language to your ever growing list of offences! I might not have room on the charge sheet! You and young Rodney are going down for at least a year apiece! Unless you give me the name of the mush who nicked the microwave.
Oh, leave it out Slater.
You know I can't do that.
It's against my principles! My Mum'd turn in her grave if she knew I'd become a copper's nark! Well, you're gonna have a lot of time to think about your principles! I hope the porridge ain't too lumpy! I'll get the charge sheets typed up.
Now, just a minute - Roy.
Let's not be hasty! I think we can make a deal.
I don't like deals! You're gonna like this one! If I give you the name of the bloke that stole that oven, you let Rodney and Grandad go - no charges.
Yeah, alright.
I'll let them go.
And you'll also drop all charges against me! Oh come on Del, I'm looking forward to that! You don't seem to understand what I'm saying Slater! Once I give you the name, I'll be one of your grasses.
Oh Del, Del Boy, that is beautiful! You would be one of my merry men! I'd have you in my pocket, I could bounce you about and make you dance whenever I felt bored! And if you ever stepped out of line, I'd let it be known on the streets that you're an informer! Yeah! I know! The deal's on my old hoppo.
I'll drop the charges against you, you have my word.
Your Word! Your word means about as much as the guarantee on that hooky microwave! No, I want immunity from prosecution.
And I want it in writing and I want it signed, sealed and delivered.
I'll get it arranged right away Derek.
Oh, we're gonna have a good future together you and me, I can feel it.
What's up Del? Cursing the day you crossed me? No, I'm cursing the day I made them stop at your belly button! Why's he keeping Del Boy in there? That's about the 38th time you've asked me that in the last 'alf hour! And for the 38th time Grandad, I'm telling you, I don't know.
I thought he'd just charge Del with receiving, he'd get a fifty pound fine, and then it would all be forgot about! That's what I thought! So did I! So why's he keeping him in there? Gawd bless my old brown I don't bloody know Grandad.
Well, Rodney Look I thought I told you two you were free to go! Oh, we thought we'd hang on for a while.
Yeah, it's good here, innit? - Still here? - We're waiting for Del.
Will he be long son? Only as long as it takes him to tell me who nicked the microwave.
Better get our heads down till the morning then! Oh, no, Del's seen the light.
He's decided to cooperate.
No, you're pulling our legs! D'you reckon? Why don't you come in and see for yourself.
Come on.
Alright Hoskins, away you go, canteen's open now.
Oh, thank you very much, sir.
There you are, Del Boy, your immunity from prosecution, signed by the Superintendent himself.
What are you playing at, Del??!! What're they doing 'ere? Oh I thought it'd be interesting for them to see you in your real light.
The Great Del Boy, the man who could talk his way out of a room with no doors, reduced to this, grassing.
I've gotta tell him Rodney.
He's got me all ends upI've got no choice.
But you don't know his name Del.
He was just a bloke in the market! Oh leave it out, Grandad.
If Mr Slater was to believe our descriptions he'd have his men searching for a someone who's a cross between Tom Thumb and the Jolly Green Giant! With a deaf-aid! With a deaf aid! Rodney, I wasn't doing it just for myself.
He threatened to plant something on you and set you up for a bit of bird.
! But, but that's against the law! Well phone the Police! Don't tell him Del.
Look, I've got to Rodney.
Otherwise it'll mean you and me will go down the road and Grandad's gonna be left alone on the estate, see? I've got no choice, I've got no choice! Alright Mr.
Slater let's get down to business.
Oh Del, Del Boy, those words are music to my ears.
I will cherish this moment! Righto Del, who nicked it? They are free to go ain't they? Yeah, they're free to go - no charges, they can leave whenever they like.
OK, give me his name.
You've got nothing on me either? No! You've got an immunity from prosecution.
You've got less chance of a pull than the Queen.
Long as I know.
Right, for the third and last time of asking, who nicked the microwave off the back of the lorry? I did!
So, right I said to her, I said, 'Bernice'I said That her name is it? Bernice! Yeah, Trigger, that's why I called her Bernice, you know.
Right! I said, 'Don't play with me girl 'cos you are playing with fire.
I said, 'Don't you dare try an' tie me down! She's into all that, is she? No, Trigger, I meant in a, you know, spiritual sort of way! I mean she's not - no - see, 'cos I'm a free agent Trigger.
Wherever I lay my hat, right, that's my home! That's the sort of guy I am.
YeahYou got a hat now then have you Dave? No, no, Trigger it's a saying.
You know.
Anyway - I had a hat once! Yeah? So I could see she was upset you know.
Someone nicked it at a party! Really? Yeah, well She was crying, begging me not to leave her.
And my return ticket in the brim.
I had to walk all the way home from Plumstead! I'm gonna phone Del and see if he can come down for a drink.
What colour was your hat, Dave? - Pink! - Same here! Sorry! You will be if it happens again sonny.
Trigger! Oh! Er, watcha Roy! Long time, eh? What brings you round this way, I thought you were stationed in West London.
I missed you all didnt I? I got meself transferred back to the old parish.
And it's not Roy any more.
You can call me Mr Slater, Detective Inspector Slater, or just plain sir! Mine's a large scotch! Right! A large scotch, love.
Know anything about a microwave oven? No, I'm no good with electrics and that! I'm not asking you to mend the bleedin' thing am I! I'm talk-ing a stolen microwave oven! Someone lifted one off the back of a lorry in Lewisham Grove earlier on! Yeah? Tch, Some people! Yeah, some people! So, what are you up to these days Trigger? - Still doing a double-act with Monkey Harris? - No, I ain't seen Monkey for ages.
- And what about Boycie? - Dunno, I ain't seen him for years! Really! And how about my favourite man? How's good old Del Boy keeping? Haven't a clue, I ain't seen him for a long time! No, you ain't seen much of anything lately, have yer? You ought to eat more carrots, Trig! Well upon my soul! It's Boycie! Oh! Hello Roy.
What a nice surprise! And what a coincidence as well! That you two should happen to be drinking in the same pub! I mean, how long is it since you last saw Trigger? Ooh, er, it must be at least two months.
Trigger said years! Oh, yeah now you come to mention it, it must be two years! Time does fly, don't it? Certainly does! Seems like only yesterday I was pounding the beat around here.
They were the good old days weren't they, eh? - Triffic.
- Great.
How's Marlene these days? Oh, you know, still the same! Is she? Dear, dear, dear.
I heard that you're dabbling in the video game! Oh yeah.
It's just a side-line, you know.
I heard a whisper that your flogging pirate tapes.
Yeah, Treasure Island, Mutiny on the Bounty.
I'm surprised to hear Del Boy's still at the same place.
Yeah, still there! Oh, he's er thinking of moving though.
Emigrating actually.
Emigrating? Yes, I bet these developing nations must be crying out for fly-pitchers! Well, I must be off! So soon? After all these years I'd have thought you two would have a lot to talk about! Yeah, well, we do, but, uh, I have just seen a business acquaintance of mine.
Hello Rodney! Well, see yer Roy.
Yeah, see yer Boycie.
Give my love to Marlene! Everyone else used to!Rodney? Weren't Del's kid brother called Rodney? Oh, I don't know Mr Slater.
No, you're deaf, dumb and blind these days ain't yer! I bet you're a wizard on the pinball machine! Hello Rodney.
Nice to see you again! Boycie! I was talking with you last night! Oh, were you, oh yeah, of course you were.
Memory must be slipping.
Well, take care of yourself, see you around! Yeah, see yer Boycie! Don't tell me You're Del Boy's brother Rodney! Am I right? I was at school with Del, sat next to him in class.
Haven't seen you since you was a little nipper.
Really? What's your name? DetecRoy, Roy Slater! Roy Slater? No, no, I can't recall him mentioning it.
Perhaps he called you by a nickname? Yeah, knowing Del that's about it! Well I'm away now Mr.
Slater.
Behave yourself Trigger.
Well, well, well What is up with everyone today? They've been at the booze, ain't they? So - fancy bumping in to you! Shame Del Boy couldn't have made it.
Well d'you know I've just this minute come off the phone to him.
He was coming down for a swift one but he got involved with a bit off business, something to do with a microwave oven Is that right? Well, I'd loved to have met him again.
It'd have been a real surprise for him! Well, I tell you what, why don't you come back to the flat and have a beer? Could I? Oh, Well that would be smashing! Yeah, yeah, I'll go and give him a bell.
No! You'll spoil the surprise! Oh yeahHey, I can't wait to see his face when you come through the door, eh? It'll be a picture Rodney, It'll be a picture! I mean, I don't ask much of you, do I? But even when I ask you to do the simplest things you let me down! Oh shuddup! She won't wanna know me know will she, not after last night! I ain't bothered! I invited her all the way over from Canning Town for a nice quiet intimate candlelit dinner.
And all I asked you to do was to put the box of wine in the fridge and my tub of Neapolitan ice-cream in the freezer.
But no, you get that arse about face, don't you? So come nine o' clock, all I could offer her was a bowl of gunge and a Beaujolais ice lolly! Ruined my entire evening it did! What are you doing? I'm trying to get 'The Dukes of Hazzard!' The 'Dukes of Hazzard!' This is a microwave oven you dozy old twonk! Gordon Bennett, you'll be putting frozen pizzas into the portable next! Come out of the way, will yer! You're lucky you didn't barbecue yourself! Now just leave it alone! Hey Del, guess who I met down the pub? Well, whoever she is, don't invite her back here for dinner! No, it's one of your old school mates! Hello Del Boy, long time, eh? - Slater!! - In all me glory! - I told you he'd be surprised didn't I? - Yeah!! - Is this your Grandad? - No that's the au-pair innit! Watcha Grandad.
You wouldn't remember me, Roy Slater, I used to be in Del's class at school.
Well, well, that's a turn up for the book innit Del Boy? Yeah, innit just? Rodney, get Roy one of them lagers in the fridge.
Yeah, right! Yeah, well, I'll just, er, yeah, I'll just give Rodney a hand.
You carry on.
What the bloody hell are you trying to do to me? Don't you know who that is? Yeah, he said he was an old mate! He's not an old mate - he's an Old Bill! And when I say an Old Bill - I mean an Old Bill! That geezer out there'd nick you for anything you did! In fact, he'd nick you for anything you didn't do and he wouldn't let a silly thing like innocence get in the way! I didn't have a clue, Del.
I swear! You Wally! Alright, alright! We gotta play this nice and cagey! Now listen, you've gotta, be careful what you say to him, because that fella in there, he collects informers the way other people collect stamps.
He's got a few grasses - has he? No he ain't got a few grasses Rodney - he's got an entire lawn! Right, when you go back in there, only speak when you are spoken to, and then keep it down to a simple yes or no! Think before you blink, If God's smiling on us, we might just get away with it, Alright? Get them beers.
Does it cook as quickly as they claim? Oh, I - I don't know so much about that.
We ain't used it yet.
No? That's strange, it feels hot.
Yeah, well here y'are, come and cool your fingers down on this Roy me boy! There you go.
And how's the police force treating you? Police?? Not too bad.
Got promoted a while back, I'm Detective Inspector now.
Oh, congratulations.
A few years from now you could be advertising tyres! How's the family? I don't see much of 'em these days Del.
The Old man's still not talking to me.
No, well, he's probably still got the needle over that time you nicked him! He nicked his own father?? I had no choice! If there had been a way of avoiding it I would have.
But his rear light was defective! I mean what else could I do? It's true, he'd only borrowed the bike to go down the fish shop an' all! That's right! It was just a twist of fate.
But you've gotta understand, at the time I was young and keen.
Now that I'm older and more experienced, I regret doing it! Leave it out Slater.
You've never regretted a nick in your life! Now that's not fair Del! You're judging me by the Roy Slater that you used to know.
But I've changed in lots of ways.
Things that were important to me in the past mean nothing now.
I used to be enthusiastic, career minded, but what've you got at the end of the day? You've won your stripes - and lost your friends.
Oh come on Roy.
You didn't lose your friends! No? You didn't have any to lose in the first place! Yeah, I suppose you're right! Del, maybe one evening - if you're not to busy we could have a couple of beers together? Yeah, well, see how it goes shall we? Yeah, alright, thanks for the drink.
Nice seeing you all againI'll see myself out.
Oh, by the way, you're all under arrest! Yes, sirOh yes, well, thank you very much sir, very nice of you to say so well I can only have them for receiving, sir, but one of them's an old mate and I get the feeling that if I treat him nicely enough he might be - persuaded to volunteer the name of the real thief Oh yes sir, you know me sir, I play everything by the book, sir.
Well, there's three of them actually, sir.
Yes, I arrested them single-handed! Well I don't think of the danger, sir, I simply see it as my duty! Well, I'll get back to your sir, as soon as I've got some information.
Okay sirThank you very much, sir.
Thank you once again, sir.
Okay, sir.
Bye for now, sir.
Do you know who that was? The wife? That was the assistant commissioner.
You wanna be a bit more careful about your health son.
In the last 'alf hour you've done so much boot-licking you could be going down with cherry blossom poisoning! Have you informed them of their rights, Constable? Oh yes sir! Yeah, and I demand the right to phone my solicitor! Sit down and behave yourself! I'm saying nothing 'til I've phoned my solicitor.
Go'n then! phone your solicitor! I haven't got a solicitor! Well don't waste my bloody time then! Just calm down will yer! Just calm down.
Now listen Slater, I think I've find a way in which we can clear this mess up.
What, you tell me the name of the person that nicked the microwave? No, I give you 50 quid and you let us go! I didn't hear that Del! I said, I give you 50 quid Did you hear that Hoskins? Oh yes sir, loud and clear.
Oh, you really are a star Del Boy, you really are a star! You are now down for receiving stolen goods and attempting to bribe a police officer! You never complained about it before.
Did you hear that Hoskins? Er, sorry, sir.
Miles away! Right, who 'alf inched the microwave? Was it Trigger? Come along gentlemen, I want a name! We found it, didn't we Rodney? Yeah, yeah - down the market! This bloke, sort of dropped it! Oh, he dropped it did he? Didn't you call after him? Well yeah, but he was a bit mutton, wasn't he.
Oh, I see, Well that explains it! I just wish you'd have told me earlier, it would have saved us all this trouble! It's easily done constable.
You're walking along the street, your mind on other things, you take your handkerchief out of your pocket and, bang, you're microwave falls out.
Take these two down the corridor and put them in separate rooms! I'll be along later to get their descriptions of this stone-deaf villain! And, oi! No conferring! It's bleedin' starters for ten now! I see Boycie's selling pirate videos now! YeIs he? Which number in King's Avenue does he live? I dunno! But you can't miss his house, it's the one with the Jolly Roger flying from the chimney! Oh, that takes me back Del Boy! D' you remember when we was kids, Used to go over the pond to play at pirates? You were Dan Tempest - Trigger was Long John Silver.
And what character did I play Del? You played the bloke what walked the plank.
Oh, yeah! The bloke that walked the plank! I was always the bloke that walked the plank, wasn't I? I must have been in and out of that pond more times than a duck's head.
I always wanted to be Bluebeard! Well you should have said so! I did say! But you'd never let me! I did - once! Oh yeah I remember.
That was the day Bluebeard had to walk the plank weren't it? I tried to be friendly Slater, but you were such a snide there was no helping you! You tried to be friendly? Like when?? Do you remember that time when all the boys dragged you to the ground, and Fatty Walker sat on yer face and Trigger put all that itching powder in your belly button? Vaguely! Yeah, well I was the one that made 'em stop at your belly button! They were all for having your braces off! And how did you repay my act of kindness? You caught me behind the bike shed with some bird and you went and told the headmaster! It was my sister! See, you always let personal feelings creep into it, didn't you? Right! Down to business! The face that dropped the microwave oven in the market! What did he look like? Oh, he was about average height.
He was a great big tall fella! Oh, he was little more than a dwarf! - Age? - About 25.
- Middle fifties! - He was just a kid! What about his ethnic group? Well, I didn't notice anyone with him! - No, I mean was he Caucasian? - No he was a white fella! He was African, I think! - Is he allowed to keep us here this long? - No.
- Does that mean we can go then? - No.
Triffic! Well, you shouldn't get yourself involved with hooky gear should you! No, no, you're absolutely right young Terry! How's that gas fire I sold yer Mum, alright is it? Oh, er, yeah, cheers Del! Look, why don't you do yourself a favour and give him the name of the bloke? He'll get it out of you in the end, he always does! Slater's a nasty piece of work.
The only people that hate him more than the villains, is us coppers! Supposing I gave him the bloke's name, what would happen to him? See that filing cabinet over there? That his full to the top with unsolved crimes.
Slater would lay the whole lot on the bloke.
So after only two weeks at the station he'll have doubled the conviction rate.
The public are reassured, Slater gets his promotion, and the Commander takes another step closer to his CBE! And everybody's happy! All except the poor sod who's gone down the Kermit! Na, I'm not gonna tell him nothing.
Well watch out for him, Del, he's got no scruples, he'll try anything! Alright Hoskins, you can have yer supper break now.
Oh, thank you very much, sir.
Shame the canteen's just closed innit? Sorry Del, did you want a cup of tea? No, it's all right, Slater, I had one yesterday! Sorry, Del Boy.
I'm just reading these descriptions of the Phantom of the Market! Oh, it's good, Del.
It's good! According to you and your family, we are looking for a 6ft 7in dwarf, aged between 15 and 50, a white male with oriental features, who's as black as Newgate's knocker! And, oh yeah, he wears a deafaid! Not a lot to go on inspector! If I was to take this lot into court I could have you for perjury as well! I've just found this in our records department.
I hope it's Barry Manilow! No, it's not Barry Manilow Del! It says here Criminal file number 94628/A76.
Name: Trotter! Rodney! Now, listen Sla - Roy.
Now, just here now come on.
Let's leave Rodney out of this, eh? He was a right little scallywag at that art school weren't he? Caught in some tart's room puffing a Moroccan Woodbine.
Now listen, he was innocent! Well, not according to this he weren't! He only went down to her room to borrow some charcoal! Whatever he was smoking when the police burst in, it weren't charcoal Del! Now, I wonder what would happen if, horror of horrors, I was to discover an illegal substance in one of Rodney's pockets.
Leave it out Slater - you know Rodney's got nothing in his pockets! That's soon remedied.
I see, and what are you gonna stitch Grandad up with, eh? Found in possession of a forged bus-pass, or demanding protection money from the local Derby and Joan club? Oh no, I'll see that Grandad's kept out of this.
And while you and Rodney are away sewing mail bags - Grandad'll be back on the estateAlone! Just what is that supposed to mean? Dangerous places them estates Del! I do hope Grandad doesn't fall victim to the mindless filth that walks our streets! I thought you drove everywhere nowadays.
Listen to me Slater - I know a lot of coppers and they're all good blokes.
I mean, I don't like 'em, but they play a fair game.
And then there's you, you dirty stinking Steady Del! I don't want to have to add abusive language to your ever growing list of offences! I might not have room on the charge sheet! You and young Rodney are going down for at least a year apiece! Unless you give me the name of the mush who nicked the microwave.
Oh, leave it out Slater.
You know I can't do that.
It's against my principles! My Mum'd turn in her grave if she knew I'd become a copper's nark! Well, you're gonna have a lot of time to think about your principles! I hope the porridge ain't too lumpy! I'll get the charge sheets typed up.
Now, just a minute - Roy.
Let's not be hasty! I think we can make a deal.
I don't like deals! You're gonna like this one! If I give you the name of the bloke that stole that oven, you let Rodney and Grandad go - no charges.
Yeah, alright.
I'll let them go.
And you'll also drop all charges against me! Oh come on Del, I'm looking forward to that! You don't seem to understand what I'm saying Slater! Once I give you the name, I'll be one of your grasses.
Oh Del, Del Boy, that is beautiful! You would be one of my merry men! I'd have you in my pocket, I could bounce you about and make you dance whenever I felt bored! And if you ever stepped out of line, I'd let it be known on the streets that you're an informer! Yeah! I know! The deal's on my old hoppo.
I'll drop the charges against you, you have my word.
Your Word! Your word means about as much as the guarantee on that hooky microwave! No, I want immunity from prosecution.
And I want it in writing and I want it signed, sealed and delivered.
I'll get it arranged right away Derek.
Oh, we're gonna have a good future together you and me, I can feel it.
What's up Del? Cursing the day you crossed me? No, I'm cursing the day I made them stop at your belly button! Why's he keeping Del Boy in there? That's about the 38th time you've asked me that in the last 'alf hour! And for the 38th time Grandad, I'm telling you, I don't know.
I thought he'd just charge Del with receiving, he'd get a fifty pound fine, and then it would all be forgot about! That's what I thought! So did I! So why's he keeping him in there? Gawd bless my old brown I don't bloody know Grandad.
Well, Rodney Look I thought I told you two you were free to go! Oh, we thought we'd hang on for a while.
Yeah, it's good here, innit? - Still here? - We're waiting for Del.
Will he be long son? Only as long as it takes him to tell me who nicked the microwave.
Better get our heads down till the morning then! Oh, no, Del's seen the light.
He's decided to cooperate.
No, you're pulling our legs! D'you reckon? Why don't you come in and see for yourself.
Come on.
Alright Hoskins, away you go, canteen's open now.
Oh, thank you very much, sir.
There you are, Del Boy, your immunity from prosecution, signed by the Superintendent himself.
What are you playing at, Del??!! What're they doing 'ere? Oh I thought it'd be interesting for them to see you in your real light.
The Great Del Boy, the man who could talk his way out of a room with no doors, reduced to this, grassing.
I've gotta tell him Rodney.
He's got me all ends upI've got no choice.
But you don't know his name Del.
He was just a bloke in the market! Oh leave it out, Grandad.
If Mr Slater was to believe our descriptions he'd have his men searching for a someone who's a cross between Tom Thumb and the Jolly Green Giant! With a deaf-aid! With a deaf aid! Rodney, I wasn't doing it just for myself.
He threatened to plant something on you and set you up for a bit of bird.
! But, but that's against the law! Well phone the Police! Don't tell him Del.
Look, I've got to Rodney.
Otherwise it'll mean you and me will go down the road and Grandad's gonna be left alone on the estate, see? I've got no choice, I've got no choice! Alright Mr.
Slater let's get down to business.
Oh Del, Del Boy, those words are music to my ears.
I will cherish this moment! Righto Del, who nicked it? They are free to go ain't they? Yeah, they're free to go - no charges, they can leave whenever they like.
OK, give me his name.
You've got nothing on me either? No! You've got an immunity from prosecution.
You've got less chance of a pull than the Queen.
Long as I know.
Right, for the third and last time of asking, who nicked the microwave off the back of the lorry? I did!