The Venture Bros (2003) s03e10 Episode Script

1
Minions!
Reduce speed to impulse power!
Charge the lightning cannon!
All battle stations at the ready!
At my signal, we show this Dr. Venture
the true power of the cocoon!
Well, team, it looks like I've got
myself a costumed arch enemy.
Not quite sure what the flying
pine cone is all about
but I'll give Mr. Evergreen
a run for his money!
For he's a jolly good fellow
No time for inappropriate
and baffling sing-song, Neddy!
Venture team! Assemble Ventronic!
Ventronic Gold is go!
Ventronic Blue is go!
Ventronic Red is go!
Weee! Slide fun!
Nooo, no no!
Neddy don't like!
Assemble Ventronic!
Join me!
I form the legs!
I form the right arm!
I'm flying!
Make a happy smile!
Go Ventronic!
What the fuck is that thing?!
Umm, I think it's a giant robot
with an ice cream cone
for one of its arms I think.
Fire the lightning cannon!
Aim for the head.
I want to be able to smell
the burning flesh
of that little Venture abomination!
The lightning cannon sucks!
Who loaded it with robot food?
Evasive action. Hard astern.
Ventronic Blue,
use the energy blade!
Aye, aye boss!
The helm is not responding!
All systems are down.
We're sitting ducks!
Hail Venture on the big screen.
- Bringing him up-
- Wait!
I wanna do something. Hold on.
You have one minute to surrender
your big robot thing!
If you refuse, we will open fire!
How about this-
I'll give you 20 seconds
to kiss your wife for the last time
then I finish you off, Mr. Evergreen.
I- I'm the Monarch.
Oh, so the flying pine cone's a-
Cocoon. OK, I'll be right back.
He didn't go for it.
I even did that cool spin thing.
It's a bit of a cliché.
OK, alright, I have another idea.
I'm trying to arch here!
This isn't how it's done! Honestly!
Wh-What are you doing, ya retard?!
- No-no word!
- Yes it is, Neddy.
Did he just cut me off?
Retard is a hateful word.
We don't use those slurs.
I'm your arch enemy!
I'm not gonna use "bungling boobs,"
or "meddling kids. "
It's not my style.
That guy needs to get a thicker skin.
Thicker skin?
Poor Ned has skin
that's three inches thick.
Now how do you think
that makes him feel?
Itchy? I don't know.
Just keep it cat and mouse,
not cat and missile.
So it's a game? We fake fight?
That's ridiculous.
No, we sharpen our claws.
It's like fencing.
It's about the art of the fight.
Good.
Well, I'm about to deliver
my killing stroke. Then what?
Then the Guild steps up their game.
You throw a rock, they throw a knife.
You throw a knife they come
to your house when you're sleeping
and murder your family.
Look, Dr. Venture
I love saying that.
You call the Guild
and you get the damned rulebook.
I'll be waiting.
One false move and I will
destroy you utterly! Off screen!
How'd that look?
Could they see the fire?
I don't think we're fooling anybody.
We have to come up
with something soon or it is over.
You didn't marry a fool!
Believe me, no Venture
will take down the Monarch!
Engineering,
restore impulse power!
Henchmen 21 and 24,
front and center!
And henchman number one.
I want you three to execute
a Dark S-7 Maneuver.
On the double.
Yes, Monarch.
I gotta ask this-
Is there a reason
you always use 21 and 24?
I know it sounds crazy
but they both have that rare blend
of expendable and invulnerable
that makes for a perfect henchman.
Alright, please tell me you know
what the hell a Dark S-7 Maneuver is.
I think it's when, uh-
The "dark" prefix indicates
that it's a stealth maneuver.
The S-7 indicates that-
Dude, who are you?
24 and I work as a duo.
We've done all we can.
I'm sorry your placement
isn't working out.
But really, it's not our problem.
The Guild of Calamitous Intent
is antagonist relations only.
Well, who handles the good guys?
Whoa!
I think the less hurtful term
is "protagonists. "
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Who handles the protagonists?
What, are you serious?
O.S.I., duh!
Can you patch me through?
Oh, sure.
Just let me get my red phone, the hotline.
No, I'll shine the O.S.I. Signal.
No, no, no- if we really believe
and click our heels, they'll-
OK, OK! I get it.
Newbie. Did you see his creepy little body?
Oh, my God, when you were a kid
did you ever make G.I. Joe
hump Rainbow Brite?
Yeah.
He's what their kid would have looked like.
They're retreating, follow them!
Belay that order!
Sweetie, what are you doing?
I'm sorry.
We barely have enough power
to stay afloat.
And we don't have
one weapon online.
Do you trust me?
Uh
Kind of.
Well, it's now or never.
You have to trust me!
Follow them!
Incoming from Venture.
Perfect. Bring him up on the big screen!
Monarch, you have been bested.
Now cease this non-
Butterfly!
Pretty!
Thank you, Neddy. I'll handle this.
Sorry, we like to let Ned
make his own decisions.
Then I hope he decides to kiss
his leathery ass goodbye.
You have played right into my trap
and now you die!
Fire the lightning cannon!
Engineering, jettison the lightning cannon
out the port hatch!
Navigation,
adjust attitude X and Y 20 degrees!
Dr. Girlfriend, cut all external power!
What was that about?
Some men are controlled
by their hatred.
Clouds their senses and leads
them down the path of ruin.
Let that be a lesson to you.
I guess I shouldn't finish
that giant cocoon
I was building, then.
OK! I was a pirate! I get it!
Look, if you can't get over my pirate past
we'll never move forward.
Boys, the Monarch is retreating.
Now isn't the time for this.
Agreed. Back to Spider Skull Island.
We'll reformulate our methods there!
Yes, let's ignore the pirate.
He used to be bad.
Ventronic, take us home!
I know you can hear me.
Navigation!
Get this heap to the lair.
Get up.
We need to make some
modifications to the cocoon.
Yeah, are you gonna tell me
what the hell you have planned?
Why? You don't trust me?
I mean, I'm trying to.
It's not that I don't-
You know, you-
You
Just help me get
this chair loose.
O.S.I., can I help you?
Yes, this is Dr. Jonas Venture, Jr.
Can you connect me to the office
of Arch Relations, please?
This is O.S.I. Dry Cleaning
and Laundromat.
I think you have
the wrong number.
I'm quite sure I dialed it correctly.
I'm quite sure I'm ironing a shirt.
You have the wrong number
there, buddy.
Boss, there's somebody
knocking at the front door.
Knock at the front door?
This is an isolated island.
Who just drops by and knocks
at the front door?
Didn't even know we had a front door.
Jonas Venture, Jr.?
Oh, sorry, matey,
you want the boss man.
I'll- urgh.
Is there a reason you just darted my man?
I didn't see you down there.
- Jonas Venture, Jr.?
- I am.
So who are the dead men
I'm speaking to?
- That's a joke.
- Regular cut-up.
They should give him
a reality show.
- I'd watch it.
- I'd watch it twice.
Even if Flavor Flav was in it.
My name is Mr. Doe
and this is my associate,
Mr. Cardholder.
Sorry about putting
your man down.
Precautionary.
A harmless tranquilizer dart.
You understand.
Judging from your shoot first
ask questions later tactics
I'll just assume you men
are with the O.S.I.?
O.S.I.? Never heard of it.
Dr. Venture, you know that
the O.S.I. denies any knowledge
of the Guild of Calamitous Intent?
I never mentioned the Guild.
No, but I did.
We were just passing by
and heard that you have
a butterfly problem.
And you see, me and my associate here
are amateur lepidopterists.
You wanna see my stamp collection?
Only if we were philatelists.
Which we aren't, Mr. Smart guy.
Oh, my head's gonna explode.
I can't hear squat.
You should perform
the Valsalva Maneuver.
Look, Mister
"I'm the Best Henchman Ever "
we'll get to business in a second.
I'm trying to pop my ear.
The Valsalva Maneuver is
when you adjust the pressure
in your middle ear, silly.
A swallow or a yawn should do the trick.
That has a name?
Listen, dude, don't get cozy with us.
You're the guy who doesn't come back.
Yes, some guy who just shows up
that nobody's ever seen before.
Right, and he's all professional.
Yeah, dude, you're a goner.
Let me tell you a story
about a little henchman named Speedy.
Oh! Argh!
Captain! You OK?
Man, get off my back Mom!
Sorry. You look like you needed help.
So I'm a disappointment, I guess.
Help the pirate.
The pirate can't do anything for himself.
Why are you such a bitch?
Like you're perfect.
What has gotten into you?
Sweet tranquilizer dart, that's what.
So get out!
You're always trying
to bring me down.
And bring me a fucking sandwich!
- The Monarch has killed
- As in cold blooded murdered.
his last five arch enemies.
Now that sounds like a violation to me.
Sounds like a violation
to anyone with ears.
So what now?
I'm not sure
what the proper procedure is
for dealing with unhinged
and quite honestly,
incompetent arch enemies.
We are recommending
that you pin this butterfly
to a piece of cardboard.
As in cold-blooded murder.
To assist us in this matter we took
the liberty of inviting an exterminator.
A specialist in your
specific bug problem.
Little man has friend waiting to play.
Tickles.
That's quite a monster you got.
He have a leash?
I bet his eyes are
as gooey as the next guy's.
Funny hat!
Ned wants funny hat!
Lower it, Cardholder. The ape's daffy.
Head full of pudding.
Friend!
Looks like our exterminator
has arrived.
Hey! Hey, hey!
I'm not supposed to be in here!
I see, so you just want
to kill the Monarch.
That seems like
the sporting thing to do.
You wanna what, shoot him?
And all his men and his wife?
You could steal his cattle, too.
Maybe burn his village down?
It's an antiquated system.
I mean, my father did this
fake arch enemy nonsense in the '60s.
Maybe my brother is good
with this namby-pamby
guy-in-a-costume-chases-you-around
nonsense, but I'm not.
No disrespect, Jonas,
but it isn't so easy.
These guys like their system.
It's what they do.
You take that away
and you are looking at a bunch
of pissed off nut bags
with ray guns and giant- I don't know
a giant octopus slash tank
with laser eyes.
I've seen one of those.
I like the cut of this guy's jib.
I like the cut of his hair.
All right, fine.
Then what if we keep it traditional?
This Monarch character has
broken some rules.
If by "rules," you mean skulls.
And if by "broken," you mean pulverized.
So we put on a big show.
We do it like
dear old Daddy Venture would've.
Then everybody's happy.
Everybody but the Monarch.
What do you have in mind?
I'm gonna fall off it.
Just use nails for now,
or glue. I don't care.
- All right, here it is.
- Give me the news!
If Protagonist aggression
exceeds Level 8-
I think trying to actually
kill me is at least that.
The Antagonist, in the case
of survival or escape
is granted extended vengeance.
This includes Guild sanctioned
immediate relatives.
So, all I gotta do is stay alive
and Rusty Venture is mine?
That's what it says.
Dr. Venture is a Guild
sanctioned rel- Whoa!
Finally! Vengeance is mine!
Which one of you idiots
broke my wife?
What are you guys doing?
I'm freezing. Can we be done, please?
Yeah, I swallowed
too much water.
Now I'm gonna get diarrhea,
thank you very much.
That tunnel down there leads
to the main room.
Take a deep breath.
I'm not sure how long it is.
No way! I got freaked out
when I had to do that playing Tomb Raider.
Oh, and she did that creepy
drowning, contortion thing.
That was grizzly.
Yeah, no way.
What? We have to.
This is how we get to the main room
to complete the Dark S-7 Maneuver.
OK, fine, I'll go ahead alone.
Going alone?
This is why you new guys always die.
You just can't smell
a cliché coming.
Dude, you are way too into this.
Seriously, what kind of douche
would blindly swim
an underwater tunnel?
Then what-
Yeah, what about going that way?
It's hardly the best route.
Hands up, who peed in the water?
Well, I guess we could go that way.
Check it out, gentlemen.
Constructed by a little old
villain named Scaramantula
and only used on Sundays
to go to church.
Been dying to give it a spin.
Aww, no fucking way.
Late '60s Ultra Death Ray!
She's amazing.
Saddle operated
with Doom Co. Gearing.
Freaking gorgeous.
If that were a woman, I'd marry her.
And I'd jeopardize our friendship
by nailing your hot wife.
Gyroscopic positioning?
At six points.
And get this, it comes up
out of the top of the Skull.
That's how it's done.
I didn't know there was a museum
to Dr. Venture on this island.
This is awesome!
You think there are rides,
or, like, a moonwalk?
One of you have an extra electro patch?
No, we don't wear our utility belts.
Yeah, they're dorky.
Kinda like fanny packs for henchmen.
Plus they make me look fat.
Blame it on the utility belt.
And you guys think I'm gonna die.
I carry my full complement of utilities.
He says as he electrocutes himself.
I'm not gonna die! Stop it!
He grabs a bomb on accident right here.
Kaboom!
I'm not gonna die.
Yeah, and then the snake jumps out
and bites you right on your eye.
Stop it!
OK, done. Easy peasy.
So now you know what
the Dark S-7 Maneuver is.
We do?
I'm getting good at rebuilding this thing.
It looks like it should.
No, it looks pretty good
if you don't turn your head.
Monarch, the S-7 Maneuver is complete!
It was? Those idiots are amazing.
All right. Engage the Capricorn Device!
Then bring the wee Venture freak
up on the
little screen we just wheeled
in front of my throne.
Hailing him now.
Thought you got rid of me?
On the contrary, my dear Monarch
I was hoping to hear from you.
And were you hoping that I was racing
my newly revamped flying cocoon
toward your island?
He's about 20 miles offshore.
He is really humming.
I didn't even know that thing
could move like that.
Goodbye, Dr. Venture.
You might want to make a list
of questions for your father.
- Did you get that?
- It was kinda vague.
Well, his father's dead.
So, you know, he can ask him stuff
because he'll be joining him in Hell.
Ah! I should have said the "Hell" part.
That would have been cool.
Yeah, that would have been
the way to go.
That, and then the menacing laugh.
So the butterfly falls willingly
into the Spider Skull's web.
- Mmmm, nope.
- Just a bit confusing.
Good try though.
It's my first shot at it.
You know, I'm starting to see
the allure of all this.
So, I guess you wanna
shoot it yourself?
Of course!
Well, do you have any
Death Ray experience?
I mean, those things can kick.
Is the great Brock Samson jealous
of my super sweet Death Ray?
- Kinda.
- Tough tiddlywinks!
Fire her up!
This floor is laser trip-wired.
We have to find an alternate route.
Yeah, maybe over a shark tank
or something.
Yeah, you go off and meet your Maker
while 24 and I keep going this way.
Knock it off, you guys.
It's starting to get to me.
You still don't get it.
24 and I have been on, like,
1,000 missions.
We've been shot at, dipped in acid.
Brock Samson hit me with a car.
Drove right into my kidney. Here I am.
Yeah, we could walk across this floor
and nothing would hit us.
But then this huge log would swing down
and take your head off.
Here what's your name?
- Henchman Number One.
- See, you are nameless.
I'm Scott Hall.
My name is Scott Hall, OK?
Nope. Won't help.
Yeah, now it's just pathos.
When you're dying in my lap, and I'm all
"Scott, Scott! Don't you quit on us!
Don't you dare!"
You just made your
unavoidable death more pathetic.
Fuck it.
Nothing's gonna happen to me.
Well?
Oh, come on!
Six miles and closing fast!
Trajectory target at X-15, Y-23!
Blind fire available at two miles!
Re-targeting!
I have an intruder alert,
museum floor!
Who puts a museum
on a hidden island fortress?
Jonas, there's an intruder
in the museum!
What?
Zapruder films in the museum?
No! There's someone in the museum.
Can't be. We're closed on the weekends!
I'll check it out unless you feel like
letting me shoot that thing.
No chance, Samson.
I've always wanted to try this
but the opportunity never comes up!
Poor guy missed out on, like
the greatest cliché in deception.
But getting killed by Brock
that's a glorious way
for a henchman to go.
You guys are henchmen, aye?
Aah! Jeez, you're real!
I used to be.
Say, you gents don't carry
dart guns, do ya?
Yeah tranquilizers. Gonna rat us out?
Not if you give me a hit of dart.
You wanna be shot
with a tranquilizer dart?
I have the dart monkey
on me back.
Just one, man.
After this one, I'm going straight.
I just need that one last dart.
Just one more.
OK, but dude,
you know this is creepy.
Right in the neck,
if you don't mind.
Yes!
It's like getting sucked off
by an angel
a sweet angel
with a tranquilizer.
Steady
Steady
Get ready to light that thing!
He's almost on you!
Now!
So, I guess we're retired again.
Oh, and I have to move
back in with my dad.
It's so humiliating.
Hello?
21 and 24,
prepare for pickup
at drop point Alpha-7.
Monarch
Monarch?
We thought you died!
What? That midget shot
his cannon into a cloud.
How do you not know that?
You dinks are the ones who installed
the video surveillance patch.
We did? Oh.
That's what the Dark S-7 Maneuver is?
I hate that you're my best men. Honestly.
Hey, what happened
to henchman One?
Death by Samson.
Perfect! We shall avenge his death!
We raid the Venture Compound at dawn!
Sweet! Over and out.
- So we saved the day?
- I think so.
Oh dude, tell me you know where
drop point Alpha-7 is?