18 to Life s01e10 Episode Script

Clean shirt and imported beer.
What's the occasion? - Company's coming.
- Oh yeah?|Health inspector? Actually, a charming pair|of newly weds.
I hope you don't|mean Tom and Jessie.
Because it's our turn|to host Sunday dinner.
When did this "turn"|system start, anyway? - It's fair.
|- And balanced.
And wrong.
Seeing as they live in your attic.
They might've lived in your attic if it wasn't filled with unsold|copies of your self-published memoir.
I say, guvnah,|doesn't that look smashing.
I think I'll buy one for me mum.
I know it's you, honey.
And while we're at it,|I want my drill back.
Oh ho, it has to do with everything.
|What does that have to do with anything? For the billionth time, Ben,|I gave you back the drill! For the billionth time, I You know what? Why don't we just compromise? All right? Tom and Jessie will be having|dinner with us tonight.
Fine.
That is not a compromise, Judith.
That is you getting|exactly what you want.
After we listened patiently and|decided that's what's best.
Here's a thought.
What if we host Sunday dinner|for both sets of parents? We don't cook.
Ah, that's a technicality.
We'll break a little bread, make a little peace Get down tonight? What, are you forty? ? ? ? Can't we find a way that we|could be together? ? ? Is there any way that we|could be together? ? ? And oh by the way, baby,|do you love me? ? ? Yes, I do! Yes,|I do! Yes, I do! ? We have to tell everyone|what time to come over.
I'm on it.
All right, let's talk menu.
Microwave.
That's not food.
No, but it's where food comes from.
It's time we explore our|culinary boundaries, Jess.
The microwave is the boundary.
Not anymore.
Tonight we turn on the stove.
I know a nice simple recipe|for vegetarian chilli.
Oh good.
My father and|tofu together at last.
No tofu.
I just need you|to pick up kidney beans.
And where are you going? I'm on atmosphere: Candles,|tablecloth, chewing gum.
Chewing gum? Yeah.
Our roof leaks and|they're calling for rain.
Cushions been misbehaving? Thunderstorm coming.
Low pressure systems bring|out the worst in me.
Maybe you should move|to a drier climate.
Like Mars.
You know, in the|interest of our children, it'd be nice if we could|put aside our differences for this dinner.
For one night, why don't|we try to act like Old friends.
Acquaintances.
Former work colleagues.
That'll do.
Hey, I'm back.
|Did you get the word out? They're coming at seven.
What is all that stuff?|I just asked you to get kidney beans.
I know, but I got inspired.
Oh no.
One word: ratatouille, hm? Tom, why do you always have to do|everything that you see in movies? We watched "Pretty Woman"|last night and you don't see me all, "Hey, I think I'll try|that hooker thing.
" Jessie, look, this isn't just a|dinner party, it's a peace summit.
It calls for spectacle.
|It calls for risk.
It calls for A cartoon rat tugging on your hair? I can do this; I've made it before.
Well, I watched my mom make it.
OK, I was in the room|when she made it.
Well, I ate it.
But what's wrong with|vegetarian chilli? It's boring.
You think they serve|vegetarian chilli at the Geneva Convention? Why not? It's tasty; it's simple,|politically neutral.
Yeah, but we don't|want to be neutral.
You know, we want to change|hearts and minds here.
With eggplant? Trust me.
Nothing's gonna go wrong.
? ? You really have to|change that ring tone.
Fair and balanced.
I'll give them fair and balanced.
What does that mean? I don't know.
I thought it sounded kinda|threatening.
No good? It's fine.
But I already talked|to Judith earlier on and we both agreed|that it would be best if we all tried to|get along tonight.
But I was working on|this whole coiled-rage, don't-mess-with-me thing.
Well, you just keep that in|your back pocket, bad boy.
Later, we'll play angry|prison guard.
Again? Ben, I want you on your|best behaviour tonight.
This dinner is very|important to Tom and Jessie.
I'm always on my best behaviour.
It's Phil who's the troublemaker.
Then why don't you show Phil|that you are the better man, hm? And bring him a|little peace offering.
Good God, woman, not the Bordeaux.
Might as well give him|my still-beating heart.
Yeah, here we go.
This is|more Phil's speed right there.
That is cooking wine.
Indeed it is.
? Hide the jerky, Phil,|your wife's coming! Relax, just kidding.
What do you want, Ben? Actually, in honour of tonight,|I come bearing a peace offering.
For you.
Wow, thanks, dude.
Someone has to be the better man.
As a matter of fact, I got a|peace offering for you myself.
Hope it's good.
I don't know much about|wine but my vintner called this bad boy Oh, stop it.
|You didn't buy this for me.
You just grabbed whatever was|handy over there to show me up! Wow, that's quite|an accusation, Ben.
Sure someone's nose|isn't outta joint 'cause his neighbour|just out-classed him? Nobody out-classes me.
Least of all you.
I'm class on a stick.
Oh, so that's what's up your ass.
Tom, you didn't measure|that chicken stock.
"Epicurious"|says a three-quarter cup.
We don't have a measuring cup,|so I eyeballed it.
We have a measuring cup right here.
Ah, what's done is done.
And why are you adding|the parsley now? You're supposed to Jessie?|Wait till the end.
I'm sorry.
It's just, we had a plan,|and you're deviating from the plan, and you shouldn't|deviate from the plan, because if you deviate|from the plan, you might as well not even|even make a plan to begin with! Exactly.
Now you're|speaking my language.
I don't want to|speak your language.
Who was the king of eighth|grade Home Ec class? You're still clinging to that, huh? Look, everything's gonna go great.
Our parents are|gonna love the meal, and then they're gonna|love each other.
Ew.
That came out wrong.
You're right.
I'll set the table.
Are you OK? Just annoyed we have to|share Jessie tonight.
I was looking forward to|seeing her sans Mr.
Tightass.
Forget the prison guard.
Perhaps I can cheer up my rich,|vestern husband, da? My Russian mail-order|bride has arrived! You vill buy me many,|many diamonds and blue jeans, da? OK, I got something for you here,|Phil.
Excuse me, Tara.
You'll notice that this is|a slightly older vintage than the one that you gave me.
Why is Tara wearing a|fur coat and no shoes? First of all, it's a faux-fur.
Second of all,|it was about to come off.
Oh, oh, oh! Pardon me for not anticipating|sexual depravity in the garage.
The door was open!|You might've knocked.
There's a reason for that.
What, so the mailman can join in? That's a '98 though.
Hmm.
Whoo.
Storm's a-comin', Pa! Let's see here.
classical.
organic.
eclectic.
Tom.
How's it going? Well, to be honest,|I've hit a bit of a snag.
You don't say.
We don't have any fresh basil, but I have come up with a|blend of herbs and spices that's gonna give it|its own unique flavour.
OK, Colonel Sanders,|I gave your plan a shot, but we can't afford|to screw up this time.
What do you mean, this time? I mean Choose your appetizers! China Dragon?|You've gotta be kidding.
Tom, don't get me wrong;|I love your ambition.
But? But sometimes it|exceeds your ability.
Really? How so? Well, let's see.
Normal kids have tree houses.
You tried to build a tree "castle.
" I'm not so sure about this, Tom.
I meant to do that.
I didn't realize you'd been|cataloguing my failures.
No, but every time|you fall a bit short, I'm more than happy to|help pick up the pieces.
That came out wrong.
Serving takeout at our|first dinner party might be acceptable to you,|but not to me.
Feel free to pick up the pieces.
No problem.
I'm making my chilli.
I'm still making my ratatouille.
God, you're stubborn! I'm stubborn? You're the one insisting|on getting the kids three Sundays a month.
I think it's pretty clear|they prefer our company.
Oh, yes, absolutely.
Why, just yesterday Tom was going|on about your tofu 'qwin noah", or whatever the heck passes|for dinner with you people.
Tofu and quinoa have nothing|to do with each other.
Oh.
There's a useful piece of|information.
Thank you for that.
Oh, great job, Phil,|now the power's out.
How can you blame a|bolt of lightning on me? Give me five minutes,|I'll find a way.
Nothing.
Whole house is down.
Good thing we have a gas stove.
Good thing my recipe's all up|here and not on some computer.
Good thing my computer|has a battery.
I'll just transcribe|the recipe before it Dies out.
Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
What're you gonna do without|your precious recipe? You think I can't|roll with the punches? You think I can't Improvise? I would've gotten it.
and that, Phil, is why the bolt|of lightning was all your fault.
I can't believe it.
He found a way.
The power just went out.
|Was it Phil? Yeah.
Come on.
Let's go,|my work here is done.
Oh yeah, the doorknob's stripped.
I keep on meaning to get to that.
Why don't you just use my drill? Enough already with the drill.
Just open the garage door|and get out of here.
Um.
It's electric.
OK.
Please tell us we're|not stuck in here.
OK.
I'll keep quiet and let you|come to that conclusion on your own.
Hold on, I've got a bar.
It's gone.
Nothing here, either.
I'm hot.
No need to brag there.
Maybe those windows open up, huh? I say let's smash them.
Not a chance! No one's smashing anything.
The power will come on soon enough.
Everyone just take a pill.
I bet that's her|answer to everything.
God, now I'm starving.
It's too bad this is a|strictly vegetarian household.
Otherwise there'd be meat|products stashed away somewhere, wouldn't there? I don't know.
Somewhere.
|Maybe.
Here? Brownies? Not what you were expecting, Ben? No, but they'll do.
Um, Ben! Those are Phil's brownies.
So? Oh! Good God! You know, I think this was fate.
Four people, four brownies,|a ton of negative energy.
I think we should|all just have one.
Not a chance.
Come on! Why are you guys so uptight? Because, Phil We try to set a good|example for our children.
That is the difference|between you and us.
Not the only difference, I hope.
Isn't that your refugee? ? Hello! We're here! Hello! Why can't he hear us? His lips are moving.
Oh, he's likely in deep prayer.
You know, he comes from a very ancient,|spiritual culture.
And one more thing, Marty, this mutual|fund you got me into is a fool's game.
I need you to liquidate the sucker.
Hey! Hey! Hello! In here! Hello! Why are you taking up three|burners with boiling water? It's a complicated recipe.
Hey, have you seen the can opener? Oh, you mean this can opener? I'm still working on the tomatoes.
Boy, this is tough.
|Could take a while.
You know, all the great chefs|like to personalize their dishes.
Add that special ingredient|to make it their own.
You wouldn't! There are no kidney|beans in ratatouille! There are now.
? Doh! I am sweltering under this thing.
Would either of you really|mind if I got naked? Uh, yeah.
We would mind.
Yeah, yeah.
Please remain clothed.
Give it up, Ben.
Why don't you just come|and join the circle? "The circle? " OK, work with me here, Judith.
Would anyone like to|air a grievance? Yeah, I'd like to air|a grievance, yeah.
My particular grievance|concerns a certain power tool that rhymes with "Phil.
|" And "kill.
" Why are you so obsessed with that drill?|You already bought a new one.
I'm not obsessed with the drill;|I merely want my property back.
Ben, what does this particular|drill represent to you? Eighty-nine ninety-nine|at Home Depot.
Oh, come on, Ben, dig deeper.
Why don't you take us back to|the root of the incident.
OK? Fine.
The last time I saw that|drill was twelve years ago.
I was was building the fence.
Just as I was about to drill|in the last board.
Bob! Hey, Bob! Bob.
Bob.
Bob.
It's Ben.
What's up? New development in No.
|The Lewinsky scandal? Microsoft release No! Windows 98? Mark McGwire break the No! I need to borrow your drill.
|It's an emergency! Thanks, Brad.
It's Ben.
And I need that back! Oh yeah, I remember that now.
I needed it to hang that picture.
Uh huh.
Because of that,|I never got to finish the fence.
Which led to the loose board, which led to Tom and Jessie|talking through the gap and falling in love and|getting married at 18.
And then fights over Sunday dinner, and then me coming over|to this Godforsaken garage with a bottle of our best Bordeaux and then US ALL BEING STUCK IN HERE|TOGETHER FOR THE ENTIRE DAMN DAY! And that.
Phil.
Is why I'm so obsessed|with the stupid drill! I'm sorry.
I didn't know you|were mentally ill.
See? Waste of time.
Ben! What! The kids didn't get married|because of a gap in the fence.
They did it because|they love each other.
Here comes Dr.
Tara.
? Whether we like it or not,|we're family now.
So less mocking, more talking.
Someone's been reading|too many Starbucks cups.
Good one, dear.
Thank you, dear.
If we were family, there'd be|fewer secrets, wouldn't there? Such as the location of a certain|protein product, huh Phil? Where is that, Phil? Where's the protein product?|What are you talking about? Come on, where is it?|What is he talking about? Dude, no! Up here? Hey, come on.
It's a drill.
|Doesn't mean it's THE drill.
"Property of Benjamin Bellow.
" Mine's ready.
Yours? Ready! It could be an acquired taste.
Don't patronize me, it's awful.
Then again, I didn't have beans.
Let's try mine.
Not bad.
If you like it watery.
Fine.
I'll let it reduce.
|Any other comments? It's brilliant, OK?|Is that what you want to hear? You were right; I was wrong;|I'm too rigid; you're awesome; you win.
? That was strangely unenjoyable.
Geez.
I don't know|what to say, Ben.
I was sure I returned this.
You were right and I was wrong.
This is strangely unenjoyable.
You win.
You are the better man.
Oh, come on, Phil, buck up.
We all make mistakes.
Why, just last week I said|"guilty" when I meant "not guilty.
" That's mighty big of you to admit.
Yeah, well, you know? Truth be told, I can,|I guess, on rare occasions, be considered a little Tight-assed? Rigid.
Let's go with rigid here.
Wow! Congratulations.
Ben, you just had a|real breakthrough there! Judith, is there anything that you|would like to share with the group? I have to go to the bathroom.
Come on, honey, dig deeper.
|It's fun.
No, no, it's OK.
|I'll share what I've learned: I should've been more persistent|in having Phil fix that doorknob.
I was really afraid to turn|into a nagging wife like Ju Judas.
Now, I haven't read the|Gospels in a while, but Just hold on a minute!|That is not fair! I do not nag.
And maybe you should|think before you speak? If I've said it once,|I've said it a thousand times Oh God, I'm turning into my mother.
Would you just look at us? We are sitting here|acting like children while our children are upstairs|making dinner just to mend fences.
Mend fences? You really drilled that one home.
Becoming her mother? Screw both of you.
I do enjoy a good|ironic double entendre.
Well, I don't know|about anyone else, I feel a group hug coming on.
Absolutely not.
I think what Judith is saying|is that we are uncomfortable with any and all forms|of physical affection.
I do think though it might|be time for a snack.
The sun's back.
Yeah.
Great.
Jess, you had more than|enough reason to doubt me.
I don't exactly have|the best track record.
Which I had to point|out like a shrew.
Face it, I ruined the whole night.
You were right about the|ratatouille being too watery.
Your attention to|detail is amazing.
But you were aiming high|and I was playing it safe.
That's why we make a great team.
You know, we complement each other.
We're like Sweet and sour chicken balls? Don't bring the Dragon into this.
Look, know that I overreach and half the time or Nine out of ten times.
Ninety-nine out of a|hundred times, I fail.
But then there's|that hundredth time.
You were one of those.
Me and ratatouille, huh? I'll take it.
? ? Hey! Do you smell something burning? Oh no no! The ratatouille! Do we have a fire extinguisher? Relax, Tom.
I think there's|one in my dad's garage.
Yeah? OK! Or, we could just do this.
Tommy! Ha ha! Hi, honey.
Hey, right hand blue.
I don't even want to know.
Whoo! Your turn! Guys? We know it's burnt.
You don't have to|pretend to like it.
We were actually hoping tonight|would be about you guys overcoming your differences.
Are you gonna finish that, honey? Hello? This hit the spot.
Hey.
Good food,|good wine, good friends.
What more could you ask for? Hear, hear! Did you say something? Nothing.
I'm still hungry.
Anyone up for some China Dragon? Mmm.
Chicken balls! No! I don't eat meat! That's not what I heard.