2 Dope Queens (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Announcer: Here, live at Kings Theatre in beautiful Brooklyn, New York, it's Phoebe Robinson and Jessica Williams, your 2 Dope Queens! Yes, yes I'm the best, fuck what you heard Anything less is obviously absurd Haters get the bird, more like an eagle This is my movie, stay tuned for the sequel Yep, yep, you know that I go This is me on the regular, so you know You guys, thank you for being here.
Seriously.
You guys are all so beautiful.
This is great.
A lot of cocoa khaleesis in the house.
Yeah, a lot of inter-racial couples in the house.
IRCs, we see you.
Obama's America.
This is great.
I love that.
So great.
You know, we've been thinking about what we want the themes to be for each of our shows.
Really thought about it.
Yeah, because there's so much going on in this cunch, aka country.
You know, we got the stuff with North Korea.
With everyone, basically, I think, right now.
- We're fighting a lot of people.
- Yeah, everyone, everywhere.
Women can't be left alone.
Yeah.
The economy, dudes.
That was the most G-rated way to say that.
- I know.
- Women are just sure bothered a lot.
It's nice.
It was like the Ellen DeGeneres version, and I appreciate that.
Women are being bothered, men are doing the bothering a lot of the time.
There's so much bothering happening in this world, am I right? Yeah.
What's the deal with fucking bothering? That's true, though.
It's, like, not wrong.
Right.
But And so anyway we, like, brainstormed and really thought about it and decided what the topic was, very thoughtfully, we came to it in, like, a really nice, special way.
And we've decided the topic is Both: Hot Peen! ( audience cheering ) Objectifying dudes since 1996.
I don't know.
Yeah, is that when you started? Sure, I started at 12.
Yeah, that's intense.
I was like, "Wow, seven, that was such a crazy year for me.
" A lot of Disney.
Yeah, but this is the Hot Peen episode.
- So - Yeah! Jessica: you guys truly couldn't have come to a better episode.
This is so fun.
And, you know, I'm currently in a rrromance.
- ( audience shrieks ) - Thank you.
Don't you ever roll your "R" like that again, ever.
Rrromance.
I, like, heard your tongue trip 'cause it didn't wanna do it.
It was like ( rolling R's ) - It was crazy.
- Rrromance with my boyfriend, British Bake-Off, BritishBakeoff.
He's a Brit.
But before that I was single for two years oohh! and, uh It was good, it was iconic.
We had fun.
I love how she goes, "It's feminism.
" Just all of it, this is feminism, - this is feminism - This stool from T.
J.
Maxx is feminism.
This is feminism.
Yaas, it's all feminism.
We're all feminisms.
Yes, we're all feminisms.
( sing-songy ) Everything's a feminism.
But yeah, so I was single for two years, and I was like, "You know what? This is my time.
I'm just gonna start, like, shooting my shot.
" - And, so I was - Took a lot of shots.
- There were a lot of shots.
- I took I And so I just would start, like trying to hook up with famous men.
It was great.
As the podcast has gotten more popular, we have gotten more popular.
And so we have, interestingly and surprisingly, come into interaction with, like, a lot of - very technically hot peen - Yes.
which neither of us are used to.
I feel we're both sort of nerdier girls who grew up in the suburbs of, like, mostly white communities.
So I just started doing some bothering, and It wasn't even like that.
You were so much more thoughtful about it.
I was.
So So Okay.
So the first person I tried to shoot my shot with, you may know him by the name Jon Hamm.
( audience cheering ) He did our podcast.
He did one of the seasons of our podcast, "2 Dope Queens," and he's We ( laughing ) He's so beautiful.
And I, you know, I remember when I watched "Mad Men" I was always into John Slattery, the older peen.
- Yeah, silver fox.
Come on.
- Right, silver fox.
I was like, "That's cool.
" And I was like, "Jon Hamm, who cares?" And then I, like, met him, I was like, "I care.
" He was, like, so sweet.
He, like, wanted to do our show.
So I was like, "Oh, he's listened to us.
" A little woke.
It's feminism.
Yeah, it's feminism.
Yes.
And, you know, I was like, "What do you want our bit to be when you're our guest?" And I was like, "How about we just, like, flirt with you the whole time?" And he's like, "That sounds great.
" I don't even know if we suggested that.
Didn't we just do it? Like, this is so that nobody here calls HR.
Like, we were like, "Great, you wanna talk about your projects? You got everything going on? Cool, great.
You wanna talk about getting nominated?" Like, we did all of that.
And then I took the opposite route.
I was like, as soon as I saw him, I felt like I folded into myself.
And I became a nightmare, because anybody that hot, it's devastating to me.
It like blow my edges back, like, "Who am I? These are baby hairs.
" Like, it was intense for me.
And I obviously, like, lean in, like Sheryl Sandberg, like I'm going for it.
- Leanin.
- I'm going for it.
And so we were just onstage, and I was flirting with him the whole time.
You were being, like, a great wing woman.
Well, actually I was doing my flirting, which was to support all the other girls in the room and then be bummed when that guy friend-zones me.
Right, right.
That's literally the story of my life.
And I was doing it for you and Jon Hamm.
Aww, yeah.
But I respect the fucking game.
Right, and so the interview was, like, 20 minutes long.
So we were like, okay, so he held my hand at one point.
He joked that our kids would look cute together.
We, like, bodysurfed and we held hands.
So I know he is an actor, but I was like, "This isn't acting.
" I was like, "This is truth," you know? And I thought, "Wow, Jon Hamm's being pretty cool tonight.
Never gonna hear from him again.
" I was like, "I really think Jon Hamm and I had some chemistry.
" ( audience whooping ) And I was, like, it was just funny because even hearing her describe the memories were like, they held hands and then they bodysurfed.
Jon Hamm and I also held hands and we also bodysurfed.
So she was like, "I feel like we have chemistry.
" And I was like, "Yo, I'm just gonna be a friend.
Yes, y'all totally had chemistry.
" And so I emailed him just, like, "Thank you so much for doing the show.
I had a wonderful time.
" Blah, blah, blah.
And he wrote back relatively, like, quickly.
So I was like, "He's into me.
" Literally called responding to an email.
Right.
And he was like, "You guys are so lovely and beautiful and funny, and you're stars, and I had such a great time.
" So we ended up, like Okay, so then I was like, "Oh, tight.
" So then I wrote Screenshot, sent to me, "Tight.
" And so I was like, "Jess, I think I have to, like, push I have to bother at this point.
So I have to give him my contact, like, my phone number.
" I said, "You'd be a fuckin' idiot not to.
" And then I was like, "But I'm in L.
A.
for the next week.
It'd be great if we could hang out.
Here's my number, whatever.
" And he wrote me back quickly.
He definitely flew past that phone number.
He was like ( imitates screeching tires ) And then he was chatting about something, so I was like, "Oh, that's cool.
He's taking it slow.
" And I'm like And so long story short, I'm obviously not dating Jon Hamm.
It didn't go it did not go anywhere, but it was such a rollercoaster because it was up and down.
It wasn't.
It wasn't up and down.
I think he was always, like, pure friendship, - Yes.
- and I was like, maybe? That's what happened.
- Yeah, I love that.
- Yeah, pure friendship.
But I like that you, like, had my back.
Always, baby.
I felt like the magical Negro of your movie who was like, "You better believe in yo'self, girl.
Do it, girl! Mm-hmm, don't take no for an answer.
Keep going, girl.
You believe it, you can achieve it.
" ( singing ) "It's possible.
" ( audience applauding ) ( singing ) Impossible things are happening every day.
Okay, well, have you ever, like, tried to shoot your shot and you failed? Yeah, I mean, we highlighted the differences between you and I a little earlier, so you can kinda guess.
But I find that when I was in that situation I've been in a "relaysh," too, for, like, three and a half years when I was in that situation, I was doing things that I thought were flirting.
And so just the tiniest little micro-movements.
And then I found that because I grew up in such an intense Christian household, I did, like, a purity ceremony when I was 14 years old, it was crazy, so it was hard for me to get around and figure out sexuality, my journey's been so different.
But I found different folks, different strokes.
But I did find as soon as if I was at a bar or something, I would get, like, a guy turning to finally give me - some sort of sexual energy - Ooh.
that I would immediately feel the sensation of, like, my heart dropping into my asshole, which is pure fear and adrenaline of just, like: What's gonna happen? I'm gonna mess this up.
What's gonna happen? And then I would just down my drink and then just go home and play "The Sims" all night.
- What? - ( audience applauding ) Aww, Ms.
J-Willie! It's fine, I feel good about it now.
I've got a hair and makeup budget, my boyfriend's here.
- ( audience cheering ) - Yeah! Whoo! But, you know, I will say, for my current bae, he definitely had to do a lot of digging into the forest, and seeing, like, "Who are you?" And I'm like, "I just wanna play 'The Sims.
'" Like, it was a lot it was a lot.
But I think we found love in what some would argue was a hopeless place.
( audience cheering ) That's great.
I think But I like having friends, like you, that just go and take the shot.
- There's something so fun about it.
- I'm working on it.
But now I don't need to 'cause I have a boy - You do.
Got a boy toy.
- so everything's fine.
Everything's cool.
And he's sweet.
I'm a PDA person.
Not, anything gross, but - Oh, no.
- You don't PDA? - I hate it so - What?! I already told you how much I'm, like, "Oohh!" like "Oohhh! for any sort of sexual energy.
- Yeah.
- But I can't do it.
You guys do have a lot of PDA though, actually.
Okay, we hold hands, as couples are wont to do.
No.
You turn into the goopiest, like, sweetie-girl I've ever seen.
- It's comical.
- Aww.
Okay, so there's hold hands, there's, like, some kisses, there's, like, "I love you, babe.
" There's that.
That's it.
Yeah, it's a lot of, like "myeah," like that.
You heard it just now, that fucking vocal range where it's like, "meep myurr myear.
" It's crazy.
It's cutting.
I know, I sound like Kourtney Kardashian.
I'm like, (nasal) "I love you, babe.
" Even that's a little bit more emotion than she normally does.
"Meep myrr.
Mee mew.
" But do you hold hands? Yes, I like holding hands.
I love holding hands.
I don't like the, like, kissing in public, because then I just imagine I think it goes back to grade school, people were like, "Nah-nah-nah-nah, nah-nah, you like them.
" And it's like, I'm embarrassed, but we've been together for three and a half years.
Yeah.
Slop him down if you want.
It's fine.
So you have no issue even when you see other couples? No, I don't do that.
Like, you're on the train, it's been a long day, you just wanna go home and, like, take your bra off and play "The Sims," as everybody does.
No, I will do no make-out, but, like, a peck here, like, you know, pet his hair there.
You know what's fun in, like, an IRC when, like, white bae learns when to get in there and when not to? Like, in your hair.
I think at this point bae knows to grab and pat around.
Like, this is a pat-around-my-hair night.
He's just like, "Uh, great job.
Great job tonight, honey.
" But not when I have my braids in where it's like, "Get in there, babe.
" You know, it's like he said something really romantic today.
He looked at me and he was like, "Oh honey.
" I was like, "Yeah?" He's like, "Your edges look so nice.
" I was like, that is the nicest thing a white man could say to a black woman, aside from "Sorry for slavery.
" Yeah, and for the white people - who are confused about edges - Let's catch 'em up.
black women are conditioned to always pay attention and make sure it's laying flat.
Like, you wanna have baby hairs, like Chilli in TLC, like, you wanna have smooth it down, or just like contr you don't want, like-Yeah.
So we get judged a lot, so we have to worry about edges.
There's an edge budget at HBO, so we're happy about it.
All right, should we get this show started? I think so.
It's ( audience cheering ) This comic that we have coming on right now is a 2 Dope Queens favorite.
- Whoo.
- He's a world favorite.
You may recognize him from such amazing shows as "Search Party" Ooh.
- "Wet Hot American Summer" - Ow.
- And "High Maintenance.
" - Ooh! Please welcome Both: John Early! ( audience cheering ) Oh, my God! Yes! Oh, that was legendary.
That was incredible.
That was incredible.
- Oh, my God.
- That was crazy.
Phoebe: That was insane.
Bye, Phoebe, bye, Jessica! Thank you for having me.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Mmm.
I'm gonna move this to the side.
What a chill time to be an American.
( audience applauding ) I feel weirdly good, right? It's a lot of this right now.
It's a lot of this.
You know what I mean? It's a lot of this right now: "Hey! No, come by.
Oh, no, no, no.
Any time.
Yeah, we leave the doors unlocked, just come by.
" ( gibbering ) I feel so relaxed right now, I feel like a supporting character in "Under the Tuscan Sun," okay? I don't even have to carry the emotional weight of the film.
I'm not Diane Lane.
I am Sandra Oh, honey, with a glass of Chianti, gently avail to lend an ear every once in a while.
I'm contractually on hold in Tuscany for the entirety of the three-month shoot, but I'm only working one, maybe two days a week? Okay, Alexander Payne is flying to visit me on my days off we are still married at the time Alexander Payne is flying to visit me on my days off, okay? We're taking the train to my favorite European countries, okay? Spain.
France.
We're taking the English Tunnel to the U.
K.
And now I'm thinking about Brexit, and it's a global nightmare.
Everything's falling apart, everything's falling apart, everything's falling apart.
Let's all promise right here and right now that in 20 years we will be allies in the Bread Wars.
Okay? You find some bread, you share it with me, I find some bread, I share it with you.
( blows into mic ) No, Trump is an unthinkable hell.
I feel like every morning I wake up and I have to face the universal question, and I know you guys can relate Which came first, this administration or my IBS? Ha-ha.
Right? No, I'm gonna be fine.
Ultimately, under a Trump administration, I present as a youth pastor.
( audience applauding ) Also, psychologically, I think age has a lot to do with it, 'cause God's been dead since, what, like '92, '93? Okay, so I grew up in the cultural hellscape that birthed a Trump presidency.
I worry about my parents so much, psychologically.
I'm like, how are they processing this? They must be so confused right now.
They grew up with, like, Doris Day, and, like, decorum, you know? But I spent the entirety of my childhood in full cobra, like, vigorously humping my couch to MTV "Spring Break," like(panting) Like, accidentally climaxing to a shot of Carmen Electra, like, "No!" ( screaming ) ( whimpering ) I can handle Trump is what I'm saying.
I will never not be furious with people whose criticisms of Hillary didn't go any deeper than, like, "She's stiff.
She's stiff.
She's stiff!" You know, it's like, grow up, okay? If you need your president to be emotionally available, go watch "Bulworth," okay? If you need your president to be emotionally available, you 100% have issues with your father.
We can't all be Obama, you know? We can't all have extensive knowledge of foreign policy and be able to banter with James Corden in, like, a viral vid, you know? It's very hard to find that balance.
It's very hard to have both the substance and the packaging, the ability to market yourself, you know? If Obama were a brand of orange juice, he'd be Simply Orange.
I know y'all know which one I'm talking about, okay? It's that, like, fresh, pulpy juice, but it's sold in a clear, swan-necked carafe.
It's like drinking orange juice at a quaint bed and breakfast in Provincetown run by, like, the sweetest older gay couple, you know? It's like drinking orange juice out of Natalie Portman's clavicle.
We were just too late to getting behind Hillary in a young, cool, Internet way, you know? I remember when it finally happened.
It was at the DNC, the Democratic National Convention, thank you so much and it was the balloon moment.
Remember the balloons, right? It was like the, "Oh!" you know? The balloons were falling and she you know? And, like, it blew up.
It was huge.
Everyone was sharing it the next morning and they were loving it.
And I feel like people finally found her stiffness to be endearing, you know? They found her artifice to, dare I say, be authentic.
But do you know what I mean? That's the grownup response.
For example, my mom cannot wrap her mind around the concept of syncopation.
She's very, like, (metronomic) "Down.
Beat.
Down.
Beat.
Down.
Beat.
" She has so much trouble getting off the beat, you know? Like( vocalizes ) you know? That's very hard for her.
And when I was in high school and we'd go to weddings or bat mitzvahs and "Hey Ya" would come on ( laughing ) she'd be like, she'd be like, ( raps stiffly ) "Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it.
Shake it like a Polaroid pic-ture.
" And that used to make my, like, blood boil.
Like, that used to fill me with a primal rage that I've only ever felt at, like, a Panera when a bread bowl breaks in my lap.
But now that I've grown up, you know, I actually find that quality in my mother to be profoundly moving, okay? It makes me weep, you know? And maybe I'm old enough now to understand the cultural forces that make it harder for women of a certain age to express themselves freely through music and dance.
( audience applauding ) Thank you.
By the way, if you grew up like 15 to 20 Okay.
If you're 15 to 20 years older than me, you're off the hook, because you grew up awash in Nationalism.
Every morning you're like, "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United" You know what I mean? But if you're anywhere near my age and you, like, worship the flag I'm sorry, but, like, I see you, bitch.
You did not have a milkman.
Do you know what I mean? None of us here had milkmen.
None of us were like ( laughs stiffly ) "How's your daughter? Okay, good to see you.
He's a nice man, honey," you know? You can have pride in your favorite sports team, in your family, even your hometown.
Because the worst thing that's gonna come from that is an Alicia Keys song, okay? But so much pride in your nation that you actually believe, like, "America first" you are mentally ill, you love drones, I will not fuck you.
- Bye, bitch! Bye, bitch! - ( audience applauding ) Okay, y'all are angels.
Please welcome back to the stage, Phoebe and Jessica! ( audience cheering ) Give it up for John Early! John Early.
He's the best.
Okay, so we've been talking about hot "sauseege," and, like, what do you find hot in a guy? You know, I'm so happy you asked that.
It's like a number of things, but one of the things I enjoy is, like, a black athlete when he's not doing his sport.
Like, just, like, a black dude who obviously plays a bunch of fuckin' basketball and he's just wearing, like, socks and these fuckin' stupid sandals that are like Velcro sandals.
And he just has a gentle white t-shirt on and you see light muscles happening, and then just that stupid string backpack that just has, like, a sack.
It's, like, flapping in the wind because it's so light.
But just, like, he doesn't care.
He rolled out of bed and decided to grace us with his presence.
I see that and I'm like, "Damn, Daniel.
" Zamn Zaniel.
That's a good one.
That's hot.
Yeah, what about you? Uh, I don't know.
I like whenever we see pictures of Barack Obama with, like, his sleeve rolled up to his elbow.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
- ( audience applauding ) There's something about, like, a very smart man showing a forearm, bein' like, "I'm about to send some email.
" Like, I just it's so hot.
Dude, that's hot.
You know Michelle was looking at Getty Images like, "What's up?" - ( Phoebe laughing ) - That is hot.
But then also, like intelligence, and kind to strangers that, too.
You know, retirement plan? Yes, yes, yes.
But you know? Actually I wanna pause this for a second 'cause I'm, like, really thirsty.
I am very thirsty, too.
- Like, I - I know.
I normally want we normally want rosé, but why don't we switch it up, 'cause this is such a - This is an HBO special.
- Like maybe a pinot of some sort.
Yeah, can a stagehand bring us out some pinot, please? - Please, we're thirsty.
- We're thirsty.
( singing ) ( audience cheering ) Please welcome to the stage Both: Tituss Burgess.
Phoebe: I can't.
- This is for you.
- Thank you.
This is for you.
What's up? ( audience cheering, applauding ) - Yaas.
- You guys look so amazing.
The head of your wardrobe department asked me, she's like, "Uh, Tituss, is this what you're wearing?" I was like, "Yes, bitch, it's Black History Month.
" I thought we were being literal.
I didn't get the memo, goddamn it.
Anyways, you guys look great.
- Cheers to you.
- Thank you, cheers.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
- ( audience cheering ) - Cheers, cheers.
Ooh, that's good.
- Yes.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Now is this your pinot? - That's my pinot.
Oh, my God.
I like that.
I love the taste of your pinot.
Such a strong taste to the pinot.
I just love when moms don't get they're making sex jokes and they're being serious.
Jessica: They're always doing that.
They're like, "Yeah, your pinot is so crispy.
" You're like, "Oh God, Mom.
" But we are so happy to have you on the show because we've been huge fans of yours.
Likewise, likewise, you guys are doing your thing.
- I'm so proud of you guys.
- Jessica: Thank you! - ( Tituss, indistinct ) - Aww, Tituss.
We're so honored to have you on our rooftop.
Yeah.
- It's gorgeous.
- Thank you so much.
Yaas, so beautiful.
It's like a real Brooklyn-y rooftop.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
No, but we're just so excited to have you.
Yeah, and you came out singing.
You have such a beautiful voice.
- Thanks.
- And I just got ( chuckling ) I just got "Lemonade" on vinyl, so I've been, like, singing that at home.
( exhales ) - Are you okay? - That's it, he's done.
I have to stand up.
And I know you're a huge Beyoncé fan.
- You guys - And "Lemonade" fan.
First of all and I know Adele admitted it but Beyoncé should've won.
- ( audience cheering ) - Phoebe: Yeah, I agree.
In fact, she did win because we're still talking about "Lemonade," right? Right, and so have you met Beyoncé yet? I have not met Beyoncé.
Jessica: Wow.
Thank you.
No, I have not met her, but I just feel like when it happens it's going to be like the heavens are going to part and the heavenly choirs are gonna sing.
And I feel like we're gonna be, like, best friends.
Probably.
What was it like filming the "Lemonade" video? Um, tedious.
I don't know how this woman Like, she was on tour, you guys.
And then all of a sudden, we had a whole motherfuckin' visual album.
Bitch, when did you do this? It blows my mind.
So for six, seven days six days to turn around an episode for us it was tedious.
I do not swim, so I was not enjoying being in that motherfuckin' water.
So I just started trying to learn how to swim.
Do you know how to swim, Tituss? You do, - you just choose not to? - I don't know how to swim.
- Okay.
- Wow, you guys.
I do not know how to swim.
And they had the audacity to put me in the middle of the Atlantic and I had to crawl back to shore.
And they were like, "Oh, this is so funny.
" It's not funny.
It's not funny.
Miss Teenter Fey, what part of this is funty? But no, it was a gorgeous episode, but I had to work to do it.
Yeah.
And have you kept it up? Like, were you inspired like, "Oh, I'm gonna add this to my life now?" Hell, no.
No.
I think you should give it a chance.
I'm into swimming now.
How are you into it? Are you looking at pictures of Michael Phelps? Like, how into it are you? So I learned in Croatia in a city called Hvar, uh ( laughing ) - That was so douche-y.
- Shut yo ass up! She just drops that.
- Shut your HBO special ass up.
- I was in Croatia, I went to Hvar.
Come on, like you hated saying it.
- It was funny.
- Hvar.
But no, I was overseas shooting a film.
I feel like y'all not drinking y'all's wine.
I mean, I was trying to, like, pace myself.
Because I'm about to finish this, and I'mma drink yours.
( audience cheering ) ( sustains note ) Pinot noir! You sound like the woman at the beginning of the "Cold Case" theme song.
- Okay, you were in Croatia.
- So I was in Croatia.
And so a bunch of my friends, like, know how to swim.
We're on a yacht.
- They're white.
- They're white.
So I called the day "Too Many White Friends: A Black Woman's Journey into Learning How to Swim.
" And so they kept being like, "You should just learn.
It's so fun, it's so easy.
Just learn, just get in the water.
" It was a whole process.
Just get in the water? That's how they taught you to swim? Yeah, they're like, "You have to believe in yourself.
" ( laughing ) This is how they got us the first time.
( audience applauding ) "Eh, it's a boat.
" Just get on the boat.
Believe in yourself.
- Get on the boat.
" - "Just believe in yourself.
" Okay, so Tituss, you're so much fun, and I'm a little tipsy off of your peen.
Yeah, I'm feeling it, actually.
It's not the first time I heard that.
So we have this game that we call "Yaas Choreography.
" I don't know how to play.
So it's just like, who does it? Who "yaasses" with the choreo better? Okay.
Let's do it.
Let's hit it, he'll get it.
Get this music.
( audience applauding ) You got this.
This is gonna be great.
Oh.
( music playing ) ( audience cheering ) You can call me superstar, whoa You can call me superstar, whoa Ooh, they wish they got this far Whoa, you can call me superstar It doesn't go up.
Soarin' through the sky Yaas! Checking my reflection, let me straighten my tiara Rolling up my tinted windows acting like Obama Everybody know when I come around here I'm that number one in the atmosphere - ( audience applauding ) - Tituss: You're so stupid! That was great.
I'm gonna get ready.
You're so dumb.
You didn't like my stage work? This is a fun game.
- I'm gonna hold the ladder.
I got you.
- Hold the ladder.
( Tituss laughing ) I'm gonna crouch and then I'm gonna hold the ladder.
- Okay.
I'm ready.
- Okay.
The ladies like to shake it Like it's 1999 Let's make love Body rockin', bottles poppin' All night, all night, all night We're makin' moves Just dancin' shoes I'm in the mood to party all night long The timing's right Come on, let's make love Come on, let's make love The ladies like to shake it Like it's 1999 Body rockin', bottles poppin' All night, all night, all night Yaas! We're makin' moves, just dancin' shoes Whoo! There was so much pussy in that "yaas.
" So this is what I think, okay? So Okay, wait, let's stand like Miss America.
Right.
I think it's too close for me to call it on my own, so I'm gonna have the audience help me.
( audience cheering ) But not before my critique.
America loves a good comeback story.
Ahhh! So for that, your "yaas" was "yaas.
" New Yorkers love to not care.
So your "yaas" was "yeeesss.
" You guys, help me.
Is it gonna be the comeback story? ( audience cheering ) Or is it gonna be, "We don't care?" ( audience cheering ) - I think we have a tie.
Yaas! - Yaas! ( Tituss laughing ) And the consolation prize is you both get to host your own special on HBO.
Both: Yaas! Everybody, give it up for Both: Tituss Burgess! Oh, my God.
( audience applauding ) This was so fun.
Jessica: It was great.
Oh, my God.
You're the best, mwah, mwah.
- You're the best.
- You're so good.
( audience cheering ) Jessica: Look, I'm my own stagehand 'cause of some bullshit I did earlier.
So how much vagina was out? You know what's so crazy is, I've never seen all of it, and I've always wondered when it was gonna happen.
( laughing ) And I didn't know it would be with Tituss onstage, trying to hold that ladder that is not bolted down, and then you getting stuck there.
But yeah, it was all out.
- You know what? - It was all out.
Kitty cat was out.
But I got it at the end.
I just, you know, at the end I was able.
You didn't get any of it.
You didn't get any of it.
It was all out.
It was all out.
All right, should we keep the show moving along? Yes, I'm so excited about our next comedian.
You guys ready for more show? ( audience applauding ) She's amazing.
Our next comic is so, so funny.
She has a podcast called "Dork Forest.
" She's been on Conan, she's been on all the late night shows.
She's one of our favorite stand-ups in the entire country.
Please give it up for Both: Jackie Kashian! - ( audience cheering ) - Jessica: Whoo! Jessica: Have fun.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, you two girls are great.
- Go do it? - Yes, do the thing, do the thing.
Yes, holy smokes.
Kings Theatre.
Brooklyn, New York City.
Oh, my gosh.
All right, so you guys don't know me but I will tell you, traditionally I have not been a political comedian.
I am now 'cause I'm alive.
I'm a person.
I don't wanna be.
I don't wanna be.
I don't wanna be.
I don't wanna.
So angry.
So as we go forward I know.
Yeah, you'll be happy to know I'm no longer scared.
I'm furious.
So going forward, I know that my job is going to be white lady meat shield.
That's my job.
I am to be thrown in front of whatever danger.
Anybody out there playing video games.
And I don't want to.
I don't want to.
I'm an American, willing to do it.
Love the country, love the ideals.
Wanna do it, but don't wanna do it because I'm an American.
I would like to hire someone.
I'm an Amazon Prime member, does nobody care? Does nobody care? I've already paid for shipping.
Fix this.
I pushed an old man, you guys.
It isn't okay.
It isn't okay.
I'm not the hero of this story.
I pushed an old, old white man, and it isn't right.
It isn't right.
I live in Los Angeles in a very immigrant-heavy, blue-collar neighborhood.
My husband and I were sitting around on a Friday night, his moms were in town.
He was raised by two mommies that have been together for 35 years.
They're adorable.
Anyway, yes.
( audience cheering ) They're super cool, anyway, or super old ladies, anyway, but they're fun.
So we're sitting around and I am on the Internet, of course.
And I find out there's an immigration setup not far from our house, and I am like, "Ah, we need dish soap.
" And my husband says to me, "What? What's happening? We have dish soap.
" He said, "Where are you going?" And I said, "There's an ICE setup on Van Nuys Boulevard.
I'm gonna go get in the way of some shitty behavior.
" ( audience cheering ) Yeah, because that's my job.
And I could only complain laterally, I know that.
Straight white ladies, straight white guys behind me, that's it.
Everyone in front of me, take a lock, throw away the key.
I get that.
And if you are a straight white guy, I'm sorry, your job, get in the way of shitty behavior.
And clean out your attics.
You can hide people.
That has traditionally been the job of decent white men for 1,000 generations.
Okay, so and I believe in all of you.
Now here's the scoop.
So I said, "There's an ICE setup.
" And my husband says, "I'm gonna hang out with my moms.
Call me if you need bail money.
" Now I get in my car, I drive.
There is no immigration setup, so I go to the grocery store because we do, in fact, need dish soap.
Now I'm coming out and there's an old white man in front of me.
Not crazy-looking, not homeless-looking, probably 80.
Dockers, belt, polo shirt, loaf of French bread.
And he's walking out in front of me and he starts yelling at the Rent-A-Cop dude and he's calling him the N-word and saying that he's gay and he caused AIDS, and he fucks monkeys.
And I Three years ago, I would've gone up to the Rent-A-Cop guy and gone, "What the fuck?" Ten years ago, that's what I would've done.
And I was told later, by sane people, that that is still what I should've done.
But I didn't, I got in his face and I'm pointing at him.
And I'm like, "No, not okay.
Screw you, shut up.
Blah, blah.
" And he's backing up, and he's taking it, and he's taking it, and he's taking it.
And finally he says, "You know, this has nothing to do with you.
This is none of your business.
" And I said, "It has everything to do with me because I'm an American and this is America.
" And he says, "Puhh.
America.
" And I turned into a country music song and I pushed him.
But I didn't push him down.
He didn't fall.
I pushed him into some carts.
Anyway here's how I know that I'm not the hero of that story, 'cause when Captain America saves somebody, when he does something heroic, he doesn't end up in his car crying.
That's not what Steve Rogers does.
It doesn't take Steve Rogers three days to tell his husband that he pushed an old man.
And my husband, of course, was like, "You know who carries guns? Old white guys.
Old white guys.
Take a note.
" I am and one of my friends was like, "Why do you think he just took it? You just were in his face.
" And I said, "Because I've always looked like this.
This is what I've always looked like, and it doesn't matter how old you are, or what race you are.
This has always reminded everyone of their mother, as always.
People are like, "Oh, that looks like it squishes good.
I should hug it.
" Please ask.
So and I am aging.
I look like everyone's mom and I'm aging right into it.
I'm about to go through the Terrigen Mists, you guys, the big change.
And I'm either gonna get a superpower or get turned into a pile of ash.
Now if you are not following the Marvel "Inhumans," I'm talking about middle-aged lady time.
Middle-aged lady time is coming around the mountain and there's nothing I can do about it, and I know nobody wants to talk about it.
I get that, I get that.
It reminds me a lot of my initial lady time, which also no one wished to discuss.
Here's what I would've loved to have heard from my step-mother: "Hey, that's an applicator.
" Anyway, I go to my doctor and I say to my doctor, "Middle-aged lady time is coming.
What's it gonna be like?" And she says to me, "No one knows.
" ( imitates gunshot ) What do you mean, no one knows? She's, "Well, your period could just stop, or it could spread out, be every three months, or it could tighten up, be every two weeks.
Or it could be on and off, and on and off, and on and off.
And I was like, "Yeah, that's all the choices, crazy Magoo.
How do you not know?" And she said, "Well, we just don't.
" And I said, "How long does grumpy last? How long does grumpy Magoo linger?" And she goes, "Anywhere between a year and a half to four years.
" And I went home and I told my husband that, and we stared at each other in horror.
But I finally understand why 50-year-old dudes are like, "Oh, I gotta go.
Whatever's happening here, I gotta take a lap.
" And I'm like, "Witness me!" And I am sympathetic, but not supportive.
So I'm gonna tell you this and then I'm gonna get out of the way, you guys, sorry.
I like to read.
I like to read a lot.
Yeah, I used to read a lot of nonfiction about history, never wanted to live through it.
Oops.
Used to like to read well-researched, beautifully written historical fiction.
I like to read that, too.
And then sometimes I like to read poorly written, poorly researched historical romance novels.
Yeah, yeah, and I only tell you that 'cause you can't count on the info.
Can't count on the info you're gettin' from an historical romance novel, or any novel.
I don't recommend trying to find your way around the United States with a Jack Reacher.
Anyway, so I'm reading my romance novel.
My protagonist is studying an ancient document supposedly describing different Tantric sex moves.
Tantric sex, of course, the bendy sex.
Now, was it really Tantric sex? We'll never know, 'cause I'm not Googling it.
But here was the move.
Here was the move that they were describing that I thought was interesting, nine short strokes, one long stroke, eight shallow strokes, two deep strokes, seven and three, six and four, five and five, four and six, three and seven, two and eight, one and nine until you do ten deep long strokes.
You know what I'm talking about.
Okay, I read this, I think to myself, "I, Jackie Kashian, would like to try this sweet, sweet move.
" I got a fella at the house.
We're all sanctioned by God and the government.
Let's do this.
Me and him are going at it like we do, right? And I think to myself, "I would like to try the thing", but he has not read the book.
He does not know the move and I don't tell him.
I just take over the reins a little bit.
He's a good sport.
He's a good sport, we're going at it.
Nine and one, eight and two, seven and three, six and four, five and five, four and six, three and seven, two and eight, one and nine, until you do ten deep long strokes.
It's supposed to make the sex last longer.
Everybody's supposed to have a good time.
So it came to pass.
Thank you for asking.
Now, afterwards we're cuddling, like you do, and I says to him, I says, "Do you notice the thing I did in the sack right there with the sex?" 'Cause I'm super romantic.
And he says, "Yeah, I was there.
It was me.
What was it?" And I said, "It might've been Tantric sex.
We don't know.
We don't know.
I read about it in a book.
" And I explained to him the long and the short of it.
And he said, "Well, I'm kinda glad you didn't tell me about it 'cause I might've wanted to take the reins back, and then I would've wanted to do three short strokes, three long strokes, three short strokes, and then paused.
Three short strokes, three long strokes, three short strokes, and then paused.
Three short strokes, three long strokes, three short strokes, and then you would've been like, 'Oh my gosh, he's in trouble.
'" ( audience cheering ) And then I had to go look up Morse code for SOS.
And he was, he was in trouble.
He was drowning in the sweet, sweet cauldron of my love.
Thanks a lot, you guys.
Take care of each other out there, good night.
Please give it up for Both: Jackie Kashian! ( audience cheering ) Okay, are you guys ready for our next act? ( audience cheering ) This guy is amazing, very funny.
He was a writer for "Broad City" and "The Carmichael Show.
" Please give it up for Both: Kevin Barnett! ( audience cheering ) Hey.
Have fun.
Hey.
Oh man, this place is nice as shit.
A'ight, I ended a relationship a little bit ago, which was good, you know, I'm not used to being in a relationship.
I spent most of my life not trying to be in one out in these streets, you know, bobbin' and weavin'.
Because I spent so much of my time single, I was very stubborn, man.
I hate compromise.
I hate thinking of anybody as different than me.
So every once in a while, my ex, she would say something like, "Oh, you have to come to my friend's puppy's birthday party.
And I'd be like, "Word.
Have to? I could also just never speak to you again.
Like, that's an option.
" But I stayed.
I couldn't leave over something that simple, because of your heart, man.
I feel like that's the struggle inside every dude as your girl says some goofy shit like that.
And inside you're like, "Man, fuck that shit! I'm a real nigga!" Then your heart's just like, "C'mon, dawg.
You know you ain't no real nigga.
" And you kinda can see, like, "Damn, you right, heart.
" All right, let me hurry up and get dressed.
Man, these puppies ain't gonna cuddle themselves.
It's real life.
It ended basically 'cause she said I didn't have no emotions.
And in her defense, she was right.
But it's not my fault, man, that's something that's true of all Jamaican niggas, man, We don't care about nothing but jerk chicken and curry goat.
That's fact, that's science, a'ight? And I knew this was genetic because I got this shit from my dad who's one of the most cold, unfeeling people on this planet.
And I learned this to the fullest degree when I was in 5th grade, right? All through elementary school, I always wanted to get picked up from school.
I took the bus home every single day.
All the other kids got picked up, not me.
Till towards the end of 5th grade my dad showed up one day to pick me up two hours early from school.
I was so excited, I was bragging.
I was dancing all around bragging to all the other kids.
I get in the car, sit down next to my dad.
I'm still all pumped like, "Yo, Dad, why'd you pick me up early from school?" And he just goes, "The house burned down.
" I went, "What?" And he goes, "Mm-hmm," and he just starts driving.
That was it.
And I thought he was joking until I got to the house, which was fully up in flames.
And then he turns to me, his 10-year-old son, and all he says is, "See the house there? Burnin'.
" That's what he said to me.
That's all he said.
And the craziest thing was the way that he treated my older brother, Cory.
He was 6th grade.
He was a year older.
So I guess in their heads, they figured a year stronger.
They didn't tell him shit.
He took the bus home like it was a regular Tuesday.
And this probably proves that Cory is even colder than my dad, because I remember him coming around the corner.
I remember him seeing the house going up in fire.
And this kid was 11 years old, you would expect him to cry.
You expect him to scream out in anger, in pain, or drop to his knees.
But nah, his only reaction was, "Oh, snap," as we watched our house turn to ashes.
That was it.
So when I was like 19, it was me, my mom, my dad, and my brothers Cory and Christopher, and we're driving from Palm Beach to Tallahassee, right? My mom and dad are in the front arguing about something.
We didn't know what was going on.
Finally, after a little while my dad just goes, "All right, fine.
Fine!" He turns down the music.
We're sitting in the back, it's quiet, wondering what he's gonna say.
And he looks over his shoulder at us and he just goes "Y'all got another brother.
" We're like, "What?!" And he goes, "Mm-hmm," and he just kept driving.
That was it.
And we're sitting there trying to ask him questions about it and he refuses to answer anything.
All we got was that he was older than us.
That's all he would say.
And we kept asking and he just ignored us and turned the music back up with some Brian McKnight so he could drown us out.
So he didn't say nothing.
We couldn't get nothing out of him other than we had another brother who was older than us.
Two years later, we're in Kingston, Jamaica, right? We go to Jamaica all the time.
My dad used to work for Air Jamaica, so we had free flights.
We were there constantly.
As a matter of fact, I hate Jamaica, man.
The place sucks.
When I go it's not, you know, beautiful resorts that white people go for fun.
When I go, my experience with Jamaica is it's hot as shit, we only got one fan, and I get chased by the neighbors' dogs.
I hate the place.
So we're sitting there in Kingston at my grandparents' house.
My dad sitting there with us.
It's hot as shit, I'm miserable.
My dad looks at his watch.
It's about 2:30.
He's like, "All right, okay.
Well, let's go see what Wayne is doing.
" And we were like, "Well, who's Wayne?" And he's like, "Remember that time I told y'all you had another brother?" We were like, "Yes.
" And he's like, "Well, his name is Wayne.
" We go, "What?" And he goes, "Mm-hmm, come on.
" And he just starts walking.
So we go outside and I get to the driveway where the car is at.
I gotta go try to go open the car door, and he's like, "No, no, no.
Let's just walk.
Let's walk for a second.
" It was like, all right, cool.
We figured, you know, finally he was gonna be emotional for a second and prep us for this very emotional moment.
I'm currently 21 years old, about to meet another brother I've had the entire time.
It's a little bit of an emotional moment.
We start walking, my Dad is quiet the whole time, doesn't say nothin', till we get three-and-a-half blocks from my grandparent's house, and out comes Wayne, who was three-and-a-half blocks away the entire time.
We're talking away, and it was weird 'cause Wayne looked exactly like my brother Cory.
They were the same height, same build, they both had cornrows.
They both were wearing a Detroit Pistons jersey for some reason that day, which is very strange.
After a little bit, Wayne's like, "You guys should meet my son.
" I'm like, "You have a son?" He's like, "Yeah.
" I'm like, "How old is your son?" He says, "11 years old.
" I'm like, "Holy shit.
I've been an uncle for half my life and I had no idea about this?" You know how much I dreamt about being an uncle? That was my fantasy from the moment I saw "Lion King," I saw Scar throw Mufasa off that cliff, I was like, "When I become an uncle, I'm doing this shit right.
" And I already was! So we're hearing about Wayne's life, and it was wild because, Wayne, you know, he lives in Kingston.
It's a very poor city and it's very dangerous.
And a lot of people who live in Kingston aren't doing so well, and Wayne was no exception.
It was tough to hear because he was just handed a different set of circumstances in life and it went differently.
That's my blood, my brother.
It was tough to hear that.
So we're leaving and Wayne is like, "We should talk.
You know, we have a lot to talk about.
" I nod my head, and I go over to my grandparents' house, where Mom is at, three-and-a-half blocks away, apparently, and I tell my mom the whole story and she's like, "Well, that's beautiful.
I'm glad that happened.
I wish it would've happened sooner, but I'm happy it happened now, right?" She's like, "Are you gonna talk to him? Are you gonna keep in contact with Wayne? Are you gonna call your brother? Remember, that's your blood.
That's your brother.
" And I was like, "Yeah, Mom, you know, I would, but the thing about it is I just started making money.
I can't be fucking with broke niggas.
" She was like, "What?" And I said, "Mm-hmm.
" And I walked out.
It's the circle of life, y'all.
But all right, I be Kevin Barnett.
- Thank you.
- ( audience cheering ) Give it up for Kevin Barnett! Kevin Barnett! Ooh ooh! Keep it going for everybody you saw tonight.
Keep it going for Jessica Williams! And Phoebe Robinson! We're 2 Dope Queens! Thank you guys so much.
Have a good night! I'm just a girl Nitty Scott: Like, patriarchy is a real thing I just wanna say that my feminism will be intersectional - Or it will be bullshit - Absolutely, girl.
Did you hear about the ( beep ) Walk? Claim our bodies and claim our rights.
If it's my ( bleep ), it's my choice.
Yeah, I'm just a girl without a bro Who like to get in my zone I'm just a girl who like to roll a blunt And smoke it alone I'm just a girl who actin' ( bleep ) Because I'm still on my cycle I'm just a girl who wanna have my cake And eat on arrival I'm just a-woah Tired of ( bleep ) and bros telling sisters Where she need to go, you like it slow Yeah, you want it dirty, I know Turn around and you call me a ho Outta my show I free da nipple and tickle them Then I proceeded to glow Therefore de-stressin', oh no ( bleep ) who I wanna and then I'mma kick in And yo, you already know You ain't know? That's babygirl Still run away, That's babygirl Every ( bleep ) want a lil' babygirl But most of y'all can't handle babygirl - Babygirl - Who dat there? That's babygirl Make her own money, that's babygirl Still getting' paid, still still runaway Ain't ain't nobody like that babygirl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl who likes to pull a flip My chicken and dip I'm just a girl who got the boss what That could still make a hit I'm just a girl who keep it poppin' And on my knee and tummy I'm just a girl who like a girl Who like my meez on my nonny I'm just a, 'ey, I up da system I disturb the peace, 'ey, back all my egg Can't cop a feelin', he feelin' away He want it bad, though He masculinity fragile I don't do drugs, but I dabble Look at you, look at you, lost in the sauce No, I ain't bossy, I just be the boss Oh you ain't know? That's babygirl Still run away, That's babygirl Every want lil' babygirl But most of y'all can't handle babygirl Who dat there? That's babygirl Make her own money, that's babygirl Still getting' paid, still still runaway Ain't ain't nobody like that babygirl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (SINGING) We did the show! We did the show! I love our audience.
People really respond to the kind of stand-ups and storytellers that we have on.
Then, Tituss Burgess walked out and I was like, "Oh, this is gonna be a fun time.
" A bunch of my friends, like, know how to swim -JESSICA WILLIAMS: They're white, -They're white.
They kept being like, "You should just learn.
-Just get in the water.
" -TITUSS BURGESS: Get in the water? - Yeah, it was a whole - That That's how they taught you to swim? This is how they got us the first time.
(LAUGHING) PHOEBE ROBINSON: Tune in next week for our episode with special guest Uzo Aduba.
JESSICA: This is our black nerds episode.
What would your like, secret Pinterest board be? - I don't have anything.
- JESSICA: I think I have one.
And this is gonna be a little controversial.
Pictures of rich white dudes in moments of decline Yeah! Elevate, elevate, elevate I'ma get lifted tonight