8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s16e02 Episode Script
Series 16, Episode 2
1 This programme contains strong language and swearing APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, in the fast lane it's Richard Hammond.
Best foot forward, it's Paul Foot.
And their team captain, Sean Lock.
And facing them tonight, see you later, calculator, it's Carol Vorderman.
He's having a laugh, it's Matt Forde.
And their team captain, Jon Richardson.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 43 per cent of men flirt with people behind their partner's backs? I have to confess I sometimes flirt with people without telling my girlfriend, but it doesn't mean anything, it's just a bit of harmless banter in the steam room of a gay sauna.
It's nothing.
11 per cent of single women have already picked out their wedding dress.
It's an important decision, there's a lot of money to spend on a dress you're only going to wearnever.
LAUGHTER And video game controllers have five times the amount of germs found on a toilet seat.
It's their own fault for giving them that vibrate function.
Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
Jon's team, what have the nation been talking about? - Sinead O'Connor is back in the news.
- Tell me all about it.
Miley Cyrus done a sexy dance and Sinead O'Connor is angry at Miley Cyrus, which strikes me as odd.
I don't think Miley Cyrus has ever made a decision in her whole life.
It's like getting angry at Tony the Tiger cos you don't like a Frosties advert.
LAUGHTER She cried in the video and said, "I was crying for my dead dog.
" And I wouldn't be surprised if it's cos Disney were killing it in front of her at the time.
"Cry in the video, yeah, that's nice.
Cry while I kill your doggy.
" The controversy has been that Sinead O'Connor has got involved and written an open letter.
What do you think? They wrote open letters back to each other.
- Didn't Miley Cyrus then respond? - She then tweeted, I believe.
The reason Sinead O'Connor did it, isn't it cos she was cross because Miley Cyrus said she was imitating her? I think she said the tear in the video was a homage to her - Nothing Compares 2 U video.
- She was Hannah Montana, wasn't she? She was Hannah Montana.
That's the thing that's caused the controversy because she used to be this incredibly clean-cut Disney star, and now she's making videos like Wrecking Ball.
Shall we have a look at the video? We should have a look.
Don't you ever say I just walk away I will always want you I can never lie Running for my life I will always want you I came in like a wrecking ball I never hit so hard All I wanted was to break your world All you ever did was break me.
APPLAUSE You like it? I absolutely loved it, though I'm disappointed because I had heard Well, I misheard.
I thought she licked off MC Hammer.
LAUGHTER - Deeply disappointed.
- You see, that's the bit I didn't like.
I was worried about rust.
I suppose when she's licking the hammer, she's not singing.
That's something.
She's got her tongue out She'll be going MUFFLED SPEECH I was hoping it was a freezing cold day and her tongue got stuck there.
I might be getting old, but when I saw that video I thought, "I hope that's not a pub they're knocking down.
" LAUGHTER I just think I used to be a civil engineer, you know, back in the day.
And it's the cleanest construction site I've ever seen.
I was more interested in how they kept the wrecking ball so clean.
Well, she'd licked it all, hadn't she? Paul, did you enjoy the video? I just think they're all doing all these sex things now, taking their clothes off.
I mean, could it possibly be that maybe it's because their music isn't actually that good? How very dare you? I mean, you didn't see JS Bach pulling his pants down around the streets of Brandenburg.
It's very hard to do a drawing of that.
LAUGHTER He pulled them up! It's fun to watch famous people do stuff like that.
I'd like to see Chris Martin on a giant falafel.
He swings out of the pitta bread and you see a little bit of his flank, his meat and two veg.
Just as you think you've seen it, he swings back into the falafel pocket and out again like that.
Going, "Woo, what a big falafel.
" That would be nice.
Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes, Sinead O'Connor has angrily criticised Miley Cyrus for her raunchy video.
It was shocking seeing Miley Cyrus on stage at the MTV Awards in a skimpy outfit rubbing herself up against a penis, or Robin Thicke as he is otherwise known.
- Sean's team, what else have the nation been talking about this week? - Badgers.
- Badgers! - That's a very upbeat response.
- They can't kill all the badgers.
- They don't know how many there are.
The badgers have moved the goalposts.
This is actually a quote from a government minister.
When Environment Secretary Owen Paterson was asked if he'd moved the goalposts, cos they're now saying they need to kill more badgers, he said, "The badgers have moved the goalposts.
" They do, and that's why they must die.
They do.
Richard, what's your problem with badgers? We've a massive problem with badgers.
We have a lot of badgers anyway, and now we've got all these refugee badgers coming in, running away from all these - You're starting to sound like Clarkson, mate.
- No! He was rude about badgers.
He was rude about badgers, I like badgers.
But I only like the ones we already had, then all the protesters were blowing whistles and banging saucepans to scare them away, so now they've all come and lived at our place and that's chucked our home badgers out.
And How can you tell the difference between the new badgers and the old badgers? - They've got different accents.
- Because I think the cull's a good thing because they say that there's the equivalent of one dead badger for every ten yards between Tiverton and Exeter.
They always say that, people are always saying that.
It's actually a quite useful way of finding your way home.
Instead of just sprinkling rose petals as you walk along, - just follow - The usual method.
.
.
a trail of dead woodland animals.
We gave it to them.
We caught TB in the Industrial Revolution, gave it to the cows, the cows gave it to the badgers.
We killed all the cows that had it, we got rid of it, the badgers were just left with TB.
"There you go, mate.
" They went, "Oh, I've got bloody TB now.
" And now they're trying to give it back and we're shooting them all.
It's like giving someone a cold and then shooting them going, "Don't give me that cold, mate.
" I'm a supporter of the badgers and I have actually rescued two badgers because they came round to shoot them and I had a cottage down there.
I took them in and I pretended they were slippers.
LAUGHTER And I would have got away with it, but one of them started coughing.
Carol, what do you make of the badger cull? I think it's interesting because obviously TB is supposedly spread by the badgers, and with this cull now, they're all running for the hills and spreading it even more.
There is no TB.
The whole thing is just the Countryside Alliance, it gives them an excuse to shoot something that's slightly black.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE There is no TB.
Do you think the reason people are so upset about badgers is because they are like our pandas? People feel very, very fondly towards pandas.
Do you think people see the badger as our It's like a shit panda.
They are a bit like pandas.
Because I love watching two of them shag.
GIVES A HIGH-PITCH LAUGH What, a panda and a badger? No, no, no, two badgers having sex, not anything weird.
You like watching a couple of badgers? There's two pandas up in Scotland they're trying to get to have it off.
If people like watching pandas having sex, they might like to watch badgers doing it.
The badger might help, the badger could be a fluffer for the pandas.
LAUGHTER You get it going, - then the panda comes in and takes over.
- Sure.
Panda just goes, "Out of the way, sunshine.
"I'll finish this job.
" Let's have a look and see if the badger cull is up there.
Yes, the badger cull has been extended.
As they say, they haven't killed enough animals.
The aim of the cull was to stop the spread of bovine TB and to distract Brian May from making any more music.
Jon's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about this week? Sex Box.
HIGH-PITCH LAUGH You seem genuinely excited.
Sex Box, tell me about it.
They have sex in a box.
The cameras aren't in the box, so you can't see.
Consenting couples go in there, and they have sex and then they come out and there's a panel of experts and they just sit there and get asked about what happened in there and they say, "Yeah, we did it.
" I want to know more about this, because I haven't actually seen this.
- It's like a porno version of The Cube.
- Oh, right.
They should do it in The Cube, - then at least you could see what they're getting up to.
- Yeah! My favourite thing is the couples enter the soundproof box for 35 minutes.
I hope they let them take a book in.
I couldn't be trusted.
If I was on a show like that, I'd just sneak a big tub of yoghurt in then when they open the door just lob it all at them.
LAUGHTER I thought the panellists were disappointing, I'd like someone like Alan Hansen on there.
And Len Goodman.
Len Goodman and Alan Hansen.
He's going, "Seven!" Alan Hansen going, "That was woeful.
" Isn't it a bit like a student house, where two people go into a room, and everyone sits around and talks about it? Jon, you lived together in a house.
One of you must have brought a lady home.
There must have been an incident when you two came out of the bedroom.
When one of us was having sex and the other one wasn't, yeah? Guess which way round that went.
Did you ever walk into the room, have a chat about it afterwards? Yeah, he would come down and tell me.
I'd go, "What did you do in there?" And he said, "I gave the badger some nuts.
" - Did you see this, Richard? - No, but I am aware of it.
I'd be tempted to go and try and rock the box until it fell over on its side.
Just go crazy in there.
Just - Rock it from side to side.
- That's a very Top Gear take.
Try and push that over.
You could see how fast we could drive a sex box to Plymouth.
There is a reason people don't talk about sex, it's not very nice.
One of the girls said something like, "I sometimes joke about it with my mates, "but I don't really talk about it with my mum.
" Of course you don't.
You don't get to Sunday dinner and go, "I had a cracking shag this week.
" You can't listen to them talk though, when you know they've had sex, you cannot Even if the conversation is mature, you cannot have a conversation with someone knowing they've just had sex.
You're just waiting for them to go, "Well, we started off with a bit of, a Um" Not one of the most talked about things, but Channel 4's new show Sex Box aired this week.
If I want to have sex in a small, windowless box devoid of any romance or sexual excitement, I'll book me and my girlfriend into a Travelodge.
LAUGHTER That's it for part one, see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're guessing the most talked about things this week.
Sean's team, what else has the nation talked about? - Politics.
- There was a Cabinet reshuffle.
- Cabinet reshuffle.
- Yes, people are so excited by it.
Basically what they do, as soon as someone has, like, got to grips with what they are doing, they're doing a good job, they move them to a different department where they don't know what they're doing.
They move them.
They're environment and they move them to health.
You don't have that anywhere else.
You don't have people saying, "Oh, yeah, you're doing quite a good job working the tills at ASDA.
"Why don't you try your hand at being a falconry expert?" What they should do, if you're minister for something, you have to dress appropriately.
If you're the Minister of Fisheries, you wear a sou'wester and carry a lobster pot - .
.
all the time.
- Health Minister - nurse's uniform.
Yeah, or sport - wet hair and a tracksuit on.
Dress according to your job.
Foreign Minister, it could be quite controversial - A bit scary too.
- Beret, some onions.
- Maybe Sellotape your eyes up.
- No, no, no, that's where it went too far.
The onions and the beret were fine.
It's controversial.
I'm highlighting the pitfalls there.
I'm not recommending it.
It's an idea.
I know how wrong that would be.
I understand Cabinet reshuffles - they run the country.
But Shadow Cabinet reshuffles? They're not doing anything anyway.
It's like the difference between tidying your lounge and your loft.
No, no, no.
You've got to reshuffle I think it's amazing.
- You're genuinely excited about it? - Politics is phenomenal.
And all the little changes, sort of like transfer deadline day when they move players around.
Out comes Brown, in goes Baker.
What does this mean for government policy? Marvellous, isn't it? And he had sex.
He's had sex.
APPLAUSE - You used to work for the Labour Party, didn't you? - Yeah.
What do you think is the matter with politics? I think there's a serious lack of personalities.
Ed Miliband is sort of part of that problem.
And there are people I shouldn't like Nigel Farage but That's the end of that sentence.
People like politicians that make us feel good.
Farage, even though I disagree with most of what he says, he's got that sort of like, braying, golf club You know, the sort of guy that'd turn up at the golf course and go, "Roger, you bastard.
" GUFFAWS I'd want to hang around with that guy.
Well, talking of UKIP and characters, have a look at Godfrey Bloom - formerly of UKIP.
Now, Mr Bloom, what do you make of the front cover of this your conference brochure with no black faces on it? What a racist comment is that.
How dare you? That's an appalling thing to say.
You're picking people out for the colour of their skin.
You disgust me! Get out I mean, I'm making the point that you haven't, um, got - What's appalling about making that point? - You, sir, are a racist! Why am I racist for saying there aren't any black people? You've checked out the colour of people's faces.
Disgraceful! You're a disgrace! APPLAUSE Wow! The thing is, there are other personalities.
To be fair, in this reshuffle, some personalities came in.
A guy called Norman Baker, a Liberal Democrat MP, is now a Home Office minister.
He wrote a book a few years ago about the death of Dr David Kelly, because he believes that the Iraqis did it and British security services covered it up.
This guy is a conspiracy theorist and he's now in the government.
That's brilliant.
That'll make Parliament more exciting.
He'll be going, "And we will continue to invest "in our security services because they killed Diana! "The Queen's a lizard!" - Sorry, what did you just say? The Queen's a lizard? - Yeah.
That's why they call her Liz.
APPLAUSE Let's see if it's up there.
Yes, David Cameron has reshuffled his Cabinet.
David Cameron denies putting more women in the Cabinet is mere tokenism.
The promotions are Minister for Hoovering, Helen Grant, and Nicky Morgan, the new Minister for Total Sexiness.
Fingers on buzzers.
Two things to get.
BUZZER - What do you think, Sean? - Energy.
- Oh, possibility of blackout.
Yes.
The blackouts, yes.
There's not enough energy and there will be blackouts this winter.
Currently the UK has enough gas storage for only 21 days.
OMG! It's apparently the biggest energy crisis for six years.
Six years ago, when we had no power cuts.
- There's - They were tough times though, those six years.
It's the highest risk of a problem since a time when there were no problems.
People have been speculating about the consequences of an energy cut, apart from obviously switching Stephen Hawking off, which'd be a terrible thing.
AUDIENCE GROAN I was out with Stephen on Monday, weirdly, at the Pride of Britain.
There was a point after about two hours at the awards, - as it's quite a long award ceremony.
- It's a long show.
We had to take him and plug him in.
Literally he went, "I'm running out of power.
" - And we had to plug him in.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I feel really bad now.
- I wouldn't feel bad.
I told him my Stephen Hawking joke.
He rather liked it.
Yeah.
Well, he didn't have much fucking choice, did he? Stuck there in a wheelchair and you're telling him a joke.
What can he do? He's being recharged - he can't get away.
He's got to sit there and listen to you, going MUTTERS And he's going, "Oh, bloody power" Sorry, Stephen.
Back to the blackouts.
Jon, how would you cope in a blackout? Well, interestingly, I've been watching There's a programme on Channel 5 called Under The Dome, about a city trapped under a dome.
They've run out of power, and there's riots, and looting, and murders, and that would be my concern.
If we had a power cut, I wouldn't be able to watch that any more.
- Are you worried about the blackout, Richard? - No, I'm not worried.
But I have noticed they are advising us to put together survival kits, emergency kits.
- What's in your emergency kit? - I don't know.
I haven't built it yet but I'm going to spend all weekend doing it, cos I love survival kits - my favourite thing.
I'm the only one old enough to remember the blackouts, the power cuts in the '70s.
When they introduced electricity, that must've been a first.
So what was it like? In the '70s, of course In the '70s, you had, well, we had paraffin lamps and you had boxes of candles.
No, I remember that.
The thing is, these days it would be much better because candles are more varied - much better scents.
In the '70s, there were just white candles.
Now you've got cinnamon candles, various oils.
Everyone will be much more chilled out.
I think everyone would immediately have a bath.
- Well, you can't, because the water won't be hot.
- Oh, dammit.
- If there's no hot water, you boil a kettle.
- Yes.
- No, it's a power cut.
Just watch some telly until it comes back on.
You can't cos there's no You can't watch the telly.
Put a DVD on.
OK, so Here's a fun fact.
In 2008, a two-day power cut in Holland led to a 44% increase in the birth rate.
Now, that's because you like to keep warm, you see? You go to bed and keep warm.
No, it's because she can't get away.
It's dark, isn't it? APPLAUSE Paul, what would you do in a power cut? I think the solution to all this is Snickers.
Shall we just leave it there, or? Yeah, should be agree? I think we're all agreed - Snickers.
Well, Snickers has got high energy, hasn't it? A lot of energy in Snickers.
Yeah, a lot of oil.
Build a power station and burn Snickers.
Immediately, massive amounts of energy.
Snickers can give us everything we need.
- There is no need for power cuts.
- That's our new Minister for Energy.
APPLAUSE You spin the wheel and you see what happens.
Yeah.
Let's have a look and see if it's there.
APPLAUSE Fingers on buzzers.
One thing to get.
BUZZER Is it the news that our kids are less literate - and numerate than the rest of Europe? - Everybody else.
There's only a couple of people below us.
That's right, yes.
Britain's youth have scored amongst the lowest in international literacy and numeracy tests.
- Number one was Japan.
- I think what it is is actually the invigilators are much stricter these days.
And in Japan they're just like, "Yeah, it's all right.
That's fine.
" It just shows in this country we are very strict.
- We like to do things properly.
- What? They expect them to give correct answers and things like that? Yeah, in Japan they're just like, "Yeah, whatever you want.
" They're known for that, the Japanese, for being all casual about stuff.
Nyah.
Nyah.
They've got about 650 different words for "nyah".
The Eskimos have 1,000 words for snow.
The Japanese have got hundreds of words for "phuff, whu" They're crazy.
Crazy, easy-going, happy-go-lucky, freewheeling Drifters, that's what they are really.
We should probably crack on from talking about the Japanese.
It's good for everyone to have an insight into their culture.
So why are the standards slipping? What's going on? It's as though the basics of mental arithmetic haven't been taught properly and, actually, they are the building blocks of everything else.
Or it could be this.
The problem is that "sick" and "ill" have become words for "good".
So kids are going in, and their teachers are telling them they're illiterate.
And they're thinking that's a good thing.
"I tell you, man, I got illiteracy, innit? "Told me to my face, blud.
" Since I started on Countdown back in - when was it? - 1873, um I'm glad she got there before me.
Everyone says, "Oh, Carol" Because you're quite good at mental arithmetic people think you're a maths genius, whereas him, over there, he's better at maths than me.
- Paul, you studied maths.
- I studied maths at university, yes.
- So you did maths at Oxford? - Yes.
Are you better at maths than Carol? Well, yes, obviously.
APPLAUSE - OK, let's see if it's up there.
- I love you, Sean.
APPLAUSE Did you Did you hear that just as I said, "Let's see if it's up there," someone just shouted, "I love you, Sean"? How lovely.
I don't know how Sean feels about you.
I think, with the best will in the world, - he thinks you should see other people.
- Yeah.
No, I'm quite Japanese about the whole thing.
APPLAUSE Yes, Britain's youth scored amongst the lowest in international literacy and numeracy tests.
How do you expect our teenagers to learn to read and write? They're too busy bringing up their kids.
GROANING So those were the most talked about things this week.
But in other news, Silvio Berlusconi is set to carry out 12 months of community service although, unfortunately, the community he's chosen is a Catholic girls' school.
And this week, a Bristol woman of 85 got her first-ever tattoo.
She had the Grim Reaper on her shoulder, watching as she got a tattoo of a dolphin.
APPLAUSE At the end of the round, Sean, Paul and Richard have four points.
- Jon, Carol and Matt have one point.
- APPLAUSE That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Sean, Paul, Richard, pick a question.
- I think we'll have Richard.
- Here's your question.
False, it's not stressful.
I'm usually drunk, anyway.
Is that why you crashed that car? Were you pissed? That was on purpose.
Why did that crash? - What happened? - A tyre blew.
- A tyre went bang at 310mph.
- Really? Why would that happen? - It was bad luck.
- It wasn't a plot to kill you? LAUGHTER I hadn't thought of it like that until now.
No, it was a tyre blew.
But it happens.
I'd just like to say thank you for all the jokes we got out of it.
LAUGHTER - That's why I did it.
- I've never met someone who is a text joke before.
- Was I a text joke? - Yes, there were loads of them going round.
I suppose that's one of the terrible things - you missed that.
- It was seven years ago.
- Didn't anyone send them to you? No, I couldn't see, could I, you pillock?! There were some crackers going round.
My favourite one was the reason they call you The Hamster is, after the crash, your nuts were in your cheeks.
LAUGHTER That's not bad.
I've been protected from all of this.
My wife never told me any of these.
A lot of people have social skills, so they won't have mentioned it.
But Sean is a different kind of man and he tackles it head-on.
John, do you get stressed driving? Yes, you're supposed to get stressed driving.
I had a tyre blow-out as well.
It was less dramatic than yours, I'll give it that.
Mine was at 70mph in a Ford Fiesta on the M5 at Strensham Services - and it did not make the news.
- LAUGHTER Did people tweet things about that? #bored? It's frightening, isn't it? We're sort of brethren on that tyre blow-out.
- How fast were you going? - I was going at 320mph.
- I was doing about that.
- Just under.
Just under.
- What's the speed limit? - 70.
- I was doing that.
Maybe just a little bit more because I'm a renegade.
I might have been doing 72, maybe I wanted to get home and have a glass of port.
Who gives a shit? - Carol, do you get stressed driving? - Do I get stressed? No, I love driving.
I love Top Gear.
You know I love Top Gear.
Shall we look at Carol on Top Gear? We'll have a look.
- Now, the Liana.
- Oh, yes.
Oh, I just had a great day.
I love the Stig.
He was so good.
He taught me how to do handbrake turns today.
- That's not going to make you go very fast.
- No, it isn't.
- Pulling the handbrake on.
Have you done one before? - No.
Did that explain what happened on one of your practice laps? The last one, I was just pushing it a bit too far.
- Who'd like to see what happened on one of the practice laps? - ALL: Yes.
- Here we go.
Right, where are we now? It's the follow-through.
Oh, a bit wide.
CAROL SHRIEKS, JEREMY LAUGHS - That was my last lap.
- That was close.
- This one is great.
SHRIEKING APPLAUSE I have to say, I was fastest in the wet by four seconds.
Fastest in the wet by four seconds.
I forgot to issue Carol with the list of words you cannot say to Jimmy.
I'm afraid "wet" is one.
You can't say it.
If it's raining, you have to say, "It's raining.
" Jeremy argued and said it was only mildly moist.
Is that worse? Now you are pretty much reading out the list.
It's amazing, watching that, because you look about the same.
But Jeremy has gone from 0 to 60.
Look at Jeremy then.
That's Jeremy back then.
He's a young man.
Look at him now.
It's like he's been in that pod.
You know the film The Fly? He got in there with a pickled egg.
One thing I don't understand is why does Stig wear a helmet? - I can't understand.
- SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER Most people find driving a stressful experience, true or false? What are you going with, Sean? - I'll agree with Richard that it's not false.
- It's not false? - Not stressful, whatever that is.
- Not stressful, false.
- What are you going for? - I'm going to go true.
- False.
I'm going to overrule, cos I've seen how you drive and it's made me stressful.
- So I'm going to say true.
- The answer is false.
APPLAUSE Yes, only 31% of people find driving a stressful experience.
I tell you what stresses me out - those white van drivers.
They think they own the bloody road with their flashing blue lights.
Calm down, mate, there's an accident ahead, we've all got to wait.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here is your first one.
"Top thing people wish they were better at.
" Is it first aid? I always say, "I wish I was better at first aid.
" Because the amount of times I'm in situations where someone says, "Does anyone here know first aid?" And I can't help myself, I go, "Yeah.
" I'm working on them and I'm thinking, "Oh, I wish I was better at this.
"I shouldn't really have put myself forward.
" "I don't know what's the matter, it's not working, this.
" That's literally the worst thing you could do to a twisted ankle.
I wish I was better at shopping.
You wish you were better at shopping? Yes, cos what happens is, on the Monday I think I'll go to the supermarket, get myself some chicken and veg and fruit and look after myself.
Then I get into the supermarket and I go Lasagne sandwiches are on offer.
I remember one week, I had sandwiches for breakfast, dinner and tea for three days cos they were all on offer.
I just bought a bag full of sandwiches.
The first day I thought, "This is amazing.
" The second, I thought, "This is still amazing.
" By day three, I felt bad.
Richard, what do you wish you were better at? I don't know, but people will have said driving on that list.
They will.
Driving is not even in the top ten.
Driving is like sex - people think they're good at it.
Sex will be on there, obviously.
- It's not.
- You've got the wrong list.
What else is there to be good at? Number two is saving money.
Number three is making conversation.
- Gravy.
- Who gives a shit about making conversation? - Gravy? What do you mean, gravy? - I wish I was better at gravy.
I'm good at a roast, I'm shit at gravy.
- But the gravy is the best bit of a roast.
- I know, mate.
If I was good at gravy and shit at parsnips, nobody would know, would they? Handshakes, I'm shit at handshakes.
- I catch them at the wrong angle.
- That's a bit weak.
What were you hoping for? Look at him! He's wearing a mustard cardigan.
I need a handshake that is non-threatening, but says to a plumber, "Yes, I could do this myself, but I haven't got the time.
" I've got a handshake that says, "It's broken.
" LAUGHTER OK, it would help you if you went travelling to another country.
- Foreign languages.
- That is the right answer, John got it.
Yes, the top thing people wished they were better at is speaking foreign languages.
We had a really good French teacher at my school.
But in the end, I failed the oral.
Apparently I didn't cup "les balls" properly.
OK, worst thing about living alone.
Very much your specialist area here.
I liked it.
It's just the sympathy is the worst thing.
"Are you all right living on your own?" "Yes.
" "Have you not got any mates?" "Yes, cos I don't live with them.
" I loved it.
I loved living on my own.
- What was the best thing about living on your own? - Just all of it.
Nothing moved.
You just think, "I'm going to stay up all night, it doesn't matter.
"No-one will wake me up, no-one will come round.
" Actually, it was tragic.
I've just remembered what it was like.
And now you ask, it's the constant crushing loneliness, the fear it's never going to end and you're going to die on your own.
- Do you live on your own now, John? - No, I've got a girlfriend.
- Oh, have you? - Yes, I live with her.
- That's nice.
- Yes.
Carol, do you live on your own? Have you got someone to look in on you in the winter? I think the worst thing, living on your own is pulling a cracker.
Like that.
I imagine looking at a bottle of vinegar and thinking, "That will probably last longer than me.
" Or if you have a thing of Marmite and you don't even like Marmite.
Marmite, and you hate it.
Every day, you get it out and think, "I hate Marmite, I'm not going to eat that.
" If you've got two people, one person would say, "I love Marmite.
" "Oh, don't talk to me about your Marmite.
"You and your Marmite, you can eat that on your own.
" If you're on your own, it's just you with the Marmite.
Just saying, "God, I've got Marmite.
Don't like it.
" There's no-one to argue with.
In the end, you acquire a taste for it.
That's why I like Marmite now.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I reckon one of the worst things about living alone is you've only got your own clothes to wear.
There's not another bank of clothes to dip into.
If the situation arises that you'd need to.
If you're wearing women's clothes in the day, you can't say, - "Look" - Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn't mean that.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - If you wear women's clothes in the day Whoa Not on television, I don't say that.
You could.
You just say it's part of a loving, heterosexual relationship.
It's just something I like doing when my wife is out sort of thing.
Who told you that? It's fairly obvious.
So, worst thing about living on your own.
Is it, worst thing about living on your own is nobody to talk to? Is the right answer.
APPLAUSE Yes, the worst thing about living alone is having no-one to talk to.
There's an old man who lives alone next to me.
Still, he's just bought himself a new dog for company.
I think he's called it Help because I keep on hearing him calling it, "Help! Help! Help!" Don't worry, though.
I think the dog has come back cos I haven't heard him shout anything in ages.
LAUGHTER HOOTER That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
The final scores are Sean, Paul and Richard are tonight's winners with six points.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night.
Red Bee Media Ltd
Best foot forward, it's Paul Foot.
And their team captain, Sean Lock.
And facing them tonight, see you later, calculator, it's Carol Vorderman.
He's having a laugh, it's Matt Forde.
And their team captain, Jon Richardson.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 43 per cent of men flirt with people behind their partner's backs? I have to confess I sometimes flirt with people without telling my girlfriend, but it doesn't mean anything, it's just a bit of harmless banter in the steam room of a gay sauna.
It's nothing.
11 per cent of single women have already picked out their wedding dress.
It's an important decision, there's a lot of money to spend on a dress you're only going to wearnever.
LAUGHTER And video game controllers have five times the amount of germs found on a toilet seat.
It's their own fault for giving them that vibrate function.
Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
Jon's team, what have the nation been talking about? - Sinead O'Connor is back in the news.
- Tell me all about it.
Miley Cyrus done a sexy dance and Sinead O'Connor is angry at Miley Cyrus, which strikes me as odd.
I don't think Miley Cyrus has ever made a decision in her whole life.
It's like getting angry at Tony the Tiger cos you don't like a Frosties advert.
LAUGHTER She cried in the video and said, "I was crying for my dead dog.
" And I wouldn't be surprised if it's cos Disney were killing it in front of her at the time.
"Cry in the video, yeah, that's nice.
Cry while I kill your doggy.
" The controversy has been that Sinead O'Connor has got involved and written an open letter.
What do you think? They wrote open letters back to each other.
- Didn't Miley Cyrus then respond? - She then tweeted, I believe.
The reason Sinead O'Connor did it, isn't it cos she was cross because Miley Cyrus said she was imitating her? I think she said the tear in the video was a homage to her - Nothing Compares 2 U video.
- She was Hannah Montana, wasn't she? She was Hannah Montana.
That's the thing that's caused the controversy because she used to be this incredibly clean-cut Disney star, and now she's making videos like Wrecking Ball.
Shall we have a look at the video? We should have a look.
Don't you ever say I just walk away I will always want you I can never lie Running for my life I will always want you I came in like a wrecking ball I never hit so hard All I wanted was to break your world All you ever did was break me.
APPLAUSE You like it? I absolutely loved it, though I'm disappointed because I had heard Well, I misheard.
I thought she licked off MC Hammer.
LAUGHTER - Deeply disappointed.
- You see, that's the bit I didn't like.
I was worried about rust.
I suppose when she's licking the hammer, she's not singing.
That's something.
She's got her tongue out She'll be going MUFFLED SPEECH I was hoping it was a freezing cold day and her tongue got stuck there.
I might be getting old, but when I saw that video I thought, "I hope that's not a pub they're knocking down.
" LAUGHTER I just think I used to be a civil engineer, you know, back in the day.
And it's the cleanest construction site I've ever seen.
I was more interested in how they kept the wrecking ball so clean.
Well, she'd licked it all, hadn't she? Paul, did you enjoy the video? I just think they're all doing all these sex things now, taking their clothes off.
I mean, could it possibly be that maybe it's because their music isn't actually that good? How very dare you? I mean, you didn't see JS Bach pulling his pants down around the streets of Brandenburg.
It's very hard to do a drawing of that.
LAUGHTER He pulled them up! It's fun to watch famous people do stuff like that.
I'd like to see Chris Martin on a giant falafel.
He swings out of the pitta bread and you see a little bit of his flank, his meat and two veg.
Just as you think you've seen it, he swings back into the falafel pocket and out again like that.
Going, "Woo, what a big falafel.
" That would be nice.
Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes, Sinead O'Connor has angrily criticised Miley Cyrus for her raunchy video.
It was shocking seeing Miley Cyrus on stage at the MTV Awards in a skimpy outfit rubbing herself up against a penis, or Robin Thicke as he is otherwise known.
- Sean's team, what else have the nation been talking about this week? - Badgers.
- Badgers! - That's a very upbeat response.
- They can't kill all the badgers.
- They don't know how many there are.
The badgers have moved the goalposts.
This is actually a quote from a government minister.
When Environment Secretary Owen Paterson was asked if he'd moved the goalposts, cos they're now saying they need to kill more badgers, he said, "The badgers have moved the goalposts.
" They do, and that's why they must die.
They do.
Richard, what's your problem with badgers? We've a massive problem with badgers.
We have a lot of badgers anyway, and now we've got all these refugee badgers coming in, running away from all these - You're starting to sound like Clarkson, mate.
- No! He was rude about badgers.
He was rude about badgers, I like badgers.
But I only like the ones we already had, then all the protesters were blowing whistles and banging saucepans to scare them away, so now they've all come and lived at our place and that's chucked our home badgers out.
And How can you tell the difference between the new badgers and the old badgers? - They've got different accents.
- Because I think the cull's a good thing because they say that there's the equivalent of one dead badger for every ten yards between Tiverton and Exeter.
They always say that, people are always saying that.
It's actually a quite useful way of finding your way home.
Instead of just sprinkling rose petals as you walk along, - just follow - The usual method.
.
.
a trail of dead woodland animals.
We gave it to them.
We caught TB in the Industrial Revolution, gave it to the cows, the cows gave it to the badgers.
We killed all the cows that had it, we got rid of it, the badgers were just left with TB.
"There you go, mate.
" They went, "Oh, I've got bloody TB now.
" And now they're trying to give it back and we're shooting them all.
It's like giving someone a cold and then shooting them going, "Don't give me that cold, mate.
" I'm a supporter of the badgers and I have actually rescued two badgers because they came round to shoot them and I had a cottage down there.
I took them in and I pretended they were slippers.
LAUGHTER And I would have got away with it, but one of them started coughing.
Carol, what do you make of the badger cull? I think it's interesting because obviously TB is supposedly spread by the badgers, and with this cull now, they're all running for the hills and spreading it even more.
There is no TB.
The whole thing is just the Countryside Alliance, it gives them an excuse to shoot something that's slightly black.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE There is no TB.
Do you think the reason people are so upset about badgers is because they are like our pandas? People feel very, very fondly towards pandas.
Do you think people see the badger as our It's like a shit panda.
They are a bit like pandas.
Because I love watching two of them shag.
GIVES A HIGH-PITCH LAUGH What, a panda and a badger? No, no, no, two badgers having sex, not anything weird.
You like watching a couple of badgers? There's two pandas up in Scotland they're trying to get to have it off.
If people like watching pandas having sex, they might like to watch badgers doing it.
The badger might help, the badger could be a fluffer for the pandas.
LAUGHTER You get it going, - then the panda comes in and takes over.
- Sure.
Panda just goes, "Out of the way, sunshine.
"I'll finish this job.
" Let's have a look and see if the badger cull is up there.
Yes, the badger cull has been extended.
As they say, they haven't killed enough animals.
The aim of the cull was to stop the spread of bovine TB and to distract Brian May from making any more music.
Jon's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about this week? Sex Box.
HIGH-PITCH LAUGH You seem genuinely excited.
Sex Box, tell me about it.
They have sex in a box.
The cameras aren't in the box, so you can't see.
Consenting couples go in there, and they have sex and then they come out and there's a panel of experts and they just sit there and get asked about what happened in there and they say, "Yeah, we did it.
" I want to know more about this, because I haven't actually seen this.
- It's like a porno version of The Cube.
- Oh, right.
They should do it in The Cube, - then at least you could see what they're getting up to.
- Yeah! My favourite thing is the couples enter the soundproof box for 35 minutes.
I hope they let them take a book in.
I couldn't be trusted.
If I was on a show like that, I'd just sneak a big tub of yoghurt in then when they open the door just lob it all at them.
LAUGHTER I thought the panellists were disappointing, I'd like someone like Alan Hansen on there.
And Len Goodman.
Len Goodman and Alan Hansen.
He's going, "Seven!" Alan Hansen going, "That was woeful.
" Isn't it a bit like a student house, where two people go into a room, and everyone sits around and talks about it? Jon, you lived together in a house.
One of you must have brought a lady home.
There must have been an incident when you two came out of the bedroom.
When one of us was having sex and the other one wasn't, yeah? Guess which way round that went.
Did you ever walk into the room, have a chat about it afterwards? Yeah, he would come down and tell me.
I'd go, "What did you do in there?" And he said, "I gave the badger some nuts.
" - Did you see this, Richard? - No, but I am aware of it.
I'd be tempted to go and try and rock the box until it fell over on its side.
Just go crazy in there.
Just - Rock it from side to side.
- That's a very Top Gear take.
Try and push that over.
You could see how fast we could drive a sex box to Plymouth.
There is a reason people don't talk about sex, it's not very nice.
One of the girls said something like, "I sometimes joke about it with my mates, "but I don't really talk about it with my mum.
" Of course you don't.
You don't get to Sunday dinner and go, "I had a cracking shag this week.
" You can't listen to them talk though, when you know they've had sex, you cannot Even if the conversation is mature, you cannot have a conversation with someone knowing they've just had sex.
You're just waiting for them to go, "Well, we started off with a bit of, a Um" Not one of the most talked about things, but Channel 4's new show Sex Box aired this week.
If I want to have sex in a small, windowless box devoid of any romance or sexual excitement, I'll book me and my girlfriend into a Travelodge.
LAUGHTER That's it for part one, see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're guessing the most talked about things this week.
Sean's team, what else has the nation talked about? - Politics.
- There was a Cabinet reshuffle.
- Cabinet reshuffle.
- Yes, people are so excited by it.
Basically what they do, as soon as someone has, like, got to grips with what they are doing, they're doing a good job, they move them to a different department where they don't know what they're doing.
They move them.
They're environment and they move them to health.
You don't have that anywhere else.
You don't have people saying, "Oh, yeah, you're doing quite a good job working the tills at ASDA.
"Why don't you try your hand at being a falconry expert?" What they should do, if you're minister for something, you have to dress appropriately.
If you're the Minister of Fisheries, you wear a sou'wester and carry a lobster pot - .
.
all the time.
- Health Minister - nurse's uniform.
Yeah, or sport - wet hair and a tracksuit on.
Dress according to your job.
Foreign Minister, it could be quite controversial - A bit scary too.
- Beret, some onions.
- Maybe Sellotape your eyes up.
- No, no, no, that's where it went too far.
The onions and the beret were fine.
It's controversial.
I'm highlighting the pitfalls there.
I'm not recommending it.
It's an idea.
I know how wrong that would be.
I understand Cabinet reshuffles - they run the country.
But Shadow Cabinet reshuffles? They're not doing anything anyway.
It's like the difference between tidying your lounge and your loft.
No, no, no.
You've got to reshuffle I think it's amazing.
- You're genuinely excited about it? - Politics is phenomenal.
And all the little changes, sort of like transfer deadline day when they move players around.
Out comes Brown, in goes Baker.
What does this mean for government policy? Marvellous, isn't it? And he had sex.
He's had sex.
APPLAUSE - You used to work for the Labour Party, didn't you? - Yeah.
What do you think is the matter with politics? I think there's a serious lack of personalities.
Ed Miliband is sort of part of that problem.
And there are people I shouldn't like Nigel Farage but That's the end of that sentence.
People like politicians that make us feel good.
Farage, even though I disagree with most of what he says, he's got that sort of like, braying, golf club You know, the sort of guy that'd turn up at the golf course and go, "Roger, you bastard.
" GUFFAWS I'd want to hang around with that guy.
Well, talking of UKIP and characters, have a look at Godfrey Bloom - formerly of UKIP.
Now, Mr Bloom, what do you make of the front cover of this your conference brochure with no black faces on it? What a racist comment is that.
How dare you? That's an appalling thing to say.
You're picking people out for the colour of their skin.
You disgust me! Get out I mean, I'm making the point that you haven't, um, got - What's appalling about making that point? - You, sir, are a racist! Why am I racist for saying there aren't any black people? You've checked out the colour of people's faces.
Disgraceful! You're a disgrace! APPLAUSE Wow! The thing is, there are other personalities.
To be fair, in this reshuffle, some personalities came in.
A guy called Norman Baker, a Liberal Democrat MP, is now a Home Office minister.
He wrote a book a few years ago about the death of Dr David Kelly, because he believes that the Iraqis did it and British security services covered it up.
This guy is a conspiracy theorist and he's now in the government.
That's brilliant.
That'll make Parliament more exciting.
He'll be going, "And we will continue to invest "in our security services because they killed Diana! "The Queen's a lizard!" - Sorry, what did you just say? The Queen's a lizard? - Yeah.
That's why they call her Liz.
APPLAUSE Let's see if it's up there.
Yes, David Cameron has reshuffled his Cabinet.
David Cameron denies putting more women in the Cabinet is mere tokenism.
The promotions are Minister for Hoovering, Helen Grant, and Nicky Morgan, the new Minister for Total Sexiness.
Fingers on buzzers.
Two things to get.
BUZZER - What do you think, Sean? - Energy.
- Oh, possibility of blackout.
Yes.
The blackouts, yes.
There's not enough energy and there will be blackouts this winter.
Currently the UK has enough gas storage for only 21 days.
OMG! It's apparently the biggest energy crisis for six years.
Six years ago, when we had no power cuts.
- There's - They were tough times though, those six years.
It's the highest risk of a problem since a time when there were no problems.
People have been speculating about the consequences of an energy cut, apart from obviously switching Stephen Hawking off, which'd be a terrible thing.
AUDIENCE GROAN I was out with Stephen on Monday, weirdly, at the Pride of Britain.
There was a point after about two hours at the awards, - as it's quite a long award ceremony.
- It's a long show.
We had to take him and plug him in.
Literally he went, "I'm running out of power.
" - And we had to plug him in.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I feel really bad now.
- I wouldn't feel bad.
I told him my Stephen Hawking joke.
He rather liked it.
Yeah.
Well, he didn't have much fucking choice, did he? Stuck there in a wheelchair and you're telling him a joke.
What can he do? He's being recharged - he can't get away.
He's got to sit there and listen to you, going MUTTERS And he's going, "Oh, bloody power" Sorry, Stephen.
Back to the blackouts.
Jon, how would you cope in a blackout? Well, interestingly, I've been watching There's a programme on Channel 5 called Under The Dome, about a city trapped under a dome.
They've run out of power, and there's riots, and looting, and murders, and that would be my concern.
If we had a power cut, I wouldn't be able to watch that any more.
- Are you worried about the blackout, Richard? - No, I'm not worried.
But I have noticed they are advising us to put together survival kits, emergency kits.
- What's in your emergency kit? - I don't know.
I haven't built it yet but I'm going to spend all weekend doing it, cos I love survival kits - my favourite thing.
I'm the only one old enough to remember the blackouts, the power cuts in the '70s.
When they introduced electricity, that must've been a first.
So what was it like? In the '70s, of course In the '70s, you had, well, we had paraffin lamps and you had boxes of candles.
No, I remember that.
The thing is, these days it would be much better because candles are more varied - much better scents.
In the '70s, there were just white candles.
Now you've got cinnamon candles, various oils.
Everyone will be much more chilled out.
I think everyone would immediately have a bath.
- Well, you can't, because the water won't be hot.
- Oh, dammit.
- If there's no hot water, you boil a kettle.
- Yes.
- No, it's a power cut.
Just watch some telly until it comes back on.
You can't cos there's no You can't watch the telly.
Put a DVD on.
OK, so Here's a fun fact.
In 2008, a two-day power cut in Holland led to a 44% increase in the birth rate.
Now, that's because you like to keep warm, you see? You go to bed and keep warm.
No, it's because she can't get away.
It's dark, isn't it? APPLAUSE Paul, what would you do in a power cut? I think the solution to all this is Snickers.
Shall we just leave it there, or? Yeah, should be agree? I think we're all agreed - Snickers.
Well, Snickers has got high energy, hasn't it? A lot of energy in Snickers.
Yeah, a lot of oil.
Build a power station and burn Snickers.
Immediately, massive amounts of energy.
Snickers can give us everything we need.
- There is no need for power cuts.
- That's our new Minister for Energy.
APPLAUSE You spin the wheel and you see what happens.
Yeah.
Let's have a look and see if it's there.
APPLAUSE Fingers on buzzers.
One thing to get.
BUZZER Is it the news that our kids are less literate - and numerate than the rest of Europe? - Everybody else.
There's only a couple of people below us.
That's right, yes.
Britain's youth have scored amongst the lowest in international literacy and numeracy tests.
- Number one was Japan.
- I think what it is is actually the invigilators are much stricter these days.
And in Japan they're just like, "Yeah, it's all right.
That's fine.
" It just shows in this country we are very strict.
- We like to do things properly.
- What? They expect them to give correct answers and things like that? Yeah, in Japan they're just like, "Yeah, whatever you want.
" They're known for that, the Japanese, for being all casual about stuff.
Nyah.
Nyah.
They've got about 650 different words for "nyah".
The Eskimos have 1,000 words for snow.
The Japanese have got hundreds of words for "phuff, whu" They're crazy.
Crazy, easy-going, happy-go-lucky, freewheeling Drifters, that's what they are really.
We should probably crack on from talking about the Japanese.
It's good for everyone to have an insight into their culture.
So why are the standards slipping? What's going on? It's as though the basics of mental arithmetic haven't been taught properly and, actually, they are the building blocks of everything else.
Or it could be this.
The problem is that "sick" and "ill" have become words for "good".
So kids are going in, and their teachers are telling them they're illiterate.
And they're thinking that's a good thing.
"I tell you, man, I got illiteracy, innit? "Told me to my face, blud.
" Since I started on Countdown back in - when was it? - 1873, um I'm glad she got there before me.
Everyone says, "Oh, Carol" Because you're quite good at mental arithmetic people think you're a maths genius, whereas him, over there, he's better at maths than me.
- Paul, you studied maths.
- I studied maths at university, yes.
- So you did maths at Oxford? - Yes.
Are you better at maths than Carol? Well, yes, obviously.
APPLAUSE - OK, let's see if it's up there.
- I love you, Sean.
APPLAUSE Did you Did you hear that just as I said, "Let's see if it's up there," someone just shouted, "I love you, Sean"? How lovely.
I don't know how Sean feels about you.
I think, with the best will in the world, - he thinks you should see other people.
- Yeah.
No, I'm quite Japanese about the whole thing.
APPLAUSE Yes, Britain's youth scored amongst the lowest in international literacy and numeracy tests.
How do you expect our teenagers to learn to read and write? They're too busy bringing up their kids.
GROANING So those were the most talked about things this week.
But in other news, Silvio Berlusconi is set to carry out 12 months of community service although, unfortunately, the community he's chosen is a Catholic girls' school.
And this week, a Bristol woman of 85 got her first-ever tattoo.
She had the Grim Reaper on her shoulder, watching as she got a tattoo of a dolphin.
APPLAUSE At the end of the round, Sean, Paul and Richard have four points.
- Jon, Carol and Matt have one point.
- APPLAUSE That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Sean, Paul, Richard, pick a question.
- I think we'll have Richard.
- Here's your question.
False, it's not stressful.
I'm usually drunk, anyway.
Is that why you crashed that car? Were you pissed? That was on purpose.
Why did that crash? - What happened? - A tyre blew.
- A tyre went bang at 310mph.
- Really? Why would that happen? - It was bad luck.
- It wasn't a plot to kill you? LAUGHTER I hadn't thought of it like that until now.
No, it was a tyre blew.
But it happens.
I'd just like to say thank you for all the jokes we got out of it.
LAUGHTER - That's why I did it.
- I've never met someone who is a text joke before.
- Was I a text joke? - Yes, there were loads of them going round.
I suppose that's one of the terrible things - you missed that.
- It was seven years ago.
- Didn't anyone send them to you? No, I couldn't see, could I, you pillock?! There were some crackers going round.
My favourite one was the reason they call you The Hamster is, after the crash, your nuts were in your cheeks.
LAUGHTER That's not bad.
I've been protected from all of this.
My wife never told me any of these.
A lot of people have social skills, so they won't have mentioned it.
But Sean is a different kind of man and he tackles it head-on.
John, do you get stressed driving? Yes, you're supposed to get stressed driving.
I had a tyre blow-out as well.
It was less dramatic than yours, I'll give it that.
Mine was at 70mph in a Ford Fiesta on the M5 at Strensham Services - and it did not make the news.
- LAUGHTER Did people tweet things about that? #bored? It's frightening, isn't it? We're sort of brethren on that tyre blow-out.
- How fast were you going? - I was going at 320mph.
- I was doing about that.
- Just under.
Just under.
- What's the speed limit? - 70.
- I was doing that.
Maybe just a little bit more because I'm a renegade.
I might have been doing 72, maybe I wanted to get home and have a glass of port.
Who gives a shit? - Carol, do you get stressed driving? - Do I get stressed? No, I love driving.
I love Top Gear.
You know I love Top Gear.
Shall we look at Carol on Top Gear? We'll have a look.
- Now, the Liana.
- Oh, yes.
Oh, I just had a great day.
I love the Stig.
He was so good.
He taught me how to do handbrake turns today.
- That's not going to make you go very fast.
- No, it isn't.
- Pulling the handbrake on.
Have you done one before? - No.
Did that explain what happened on one of your practice laps? The last one, I was just pushing it a bit too far.
- Who'd like to see what happened on one of the practice laps? - ALL: Yes.
- Here we go.
Right, where are we now? It's the follow-through.
Oh, a bit wide.
CAROL SHRIEKS, JEREMY LAUGHS - That was my last lap.
- That was close.
- This one is great.
SHRIEKING APPLAUSE I have to say, I was fastest in the wet by four seconds.
Fastest in the wet by four seconds.
I forgot to issue Carol with the list of words you cannot say to Jimmy.
I'm afraid "wet" is one.
You can't say it.
If it's raining, you have to say, "It's raining.
" Jeremy argued and said it was only mildly moist.
Is that worse? Now you are pretty much reading out the list.
It's amazing, watching that, because you look about the same.
But Jeremy has gone from 0 to 60.
Look at Jeremy then.
That's Jeremy back then.
He's a young man.
Look at him now.
It's like he's been in that pod.
You know the film The Fly? He got in there with a pickled egg.
One thing I don't understand is why does Stig wear a helmet? - I can't understand.
- SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER Most people find driving a stressful experience, true or false? What are you going with, Sean? - I'll agree with Richard that it's not false.
- It's not false? - Not stressful, whatever that is.
- Not stressful, false.
- What are you going for? - I'm going to go true.
- False.
I'm going to overrule, cos I've seen how you drive and it's made me stressful.
- So I'm going to say true.
- The answer is false.
APPLAUSE Yes, only 31% of people find driving a stressful experience.
I tell you what stresses me out - those white van drivers.
They think they own the bloody road with their flashing blue lights.
Calm down, mate, there's an accident ahead, we've all got to wait.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here is your first one.
"Top thing people wish they were better at.
" Is it first aid? I always say, "I wish I was better at first aid.
" Because the amount of times I'm in situations where someone says, "Does anyone here know first aid?" And I can't help myself, I go, "Yeah.
" I'm working on them and I'm thinking, "Oh, I wish I was better at this.
"I shouldn't really have put myself forward.
" "I don't know what's the matter, it's not working, this.
" That's literally the worst thing you could do to a twisted ankle.
I wish I was better at shopping.
You wish you were better at shopping? Yes, cos what happens is, on the Monday I think I'll go to the supermarket, get myself some chicken and veg and fruit and look after myself.
Then I get into the supermarket and I go Lasagne sandwiches are on offer.
I remember one week, I had sandwiches for breakfast, dinner and tea for three days cos they were all on offer.
I just bought a bag full of sandwiches.
The first day I thought, "This is amazing.
" The second, I thought, "This is still amazing.
" By day three, I felt bad.
Richard, what do you wish you were better at? I don't know, but people will have said driving on that list.
They will.
Driving is not even in the top ten.
Driving is like sex - people think they're good at it.
Sex will be on there, obviously.
- It's not.
- You've got the wrong list.
What else is there to be good at? Number two is saving money.
Number three is making conversation.
- Gravy.
- Who gives a shit about making conversation? - Gravy? What do you mean, gravy? - I wish I was better at gravy.
I'm good at a roast, I'm shit at gravy.
- But the gravy is the best bit of a roast.
- I know, mate.
If I was good at gravy and shit at parsnips, nobody would know, would they? Handshakes, I'm shit at handshakes.
- I catch them at the wrong angle.
- That's a bit weak.
What were you hoping for? Look at him! He's wearing a mustard cardigan.
I need a handshake that is non-threatening, but says to a plumber, "Yes, I could do this myself, but I haven't got the time.
" I've got a handshake that says, "It's broken.
" LAUGHTER OK, it would help you if you went travelling to another country.
- Foreign languages.
- That is the right answer, John got it.
Yes, the top thing people wished they were better at is speaking foreign languages.
We had a really good French teacher at my school.
But in the end, I failed the oral.
Apparently I didn't cup "les balls" properly.
OK, worst thing about living alone.
Very much your specialist area here.
I liked it.
It's just the sympathy is the worst thing.
"Are you all right living on your own?" "Yes.
" "Have you not got any mates?" "Yes, cos I don't live with them.
" I loved it.
I loved living on my own.
- What was the best thing about living on your own? - Just all of it.
Nothing moved.
You just think, "I'm going to stay up all night, it doesn't matter.
"No-one will wake me up, no-one will come round.
" Actually, it was tragic.
I've just remembered what it was like.
And now you ask, it's the constant crushing loneliness, the fear it's never going to end and you're going to die on your own.
- Do you live on your own now, John? - No, I've got a girlfriend.
- Oh, have you? - Yes, I live with her.
- That's nice.
- Yes.
Carol, do you live on your own? Have you got someone to look in on you in the winter? I think the worst thing, living on your own is pulling a cracker.
Like that.
I imagine looking at a bottle of vinegar and thinking, "That will probably last longer than me.
" Or if you have a thing of Marmite and you don't even like Marmite.
Marmite, and you hate it.
Every day, you get it out and think, "I hate Marmite, I'm not going to eat that.
" If you've got two people, one person would say, "I love Marmite.
" "Oh, don't talk to me about your Marmite.
"You and your Marmite, you can eat that on your own.
" If you're on your own, it's just you with the Marmite.
Just saying, "God, I've got Marmite.
Don't like it.
" There's no-one to argue with.
In the end, you acquire a taste for it.
That's why I like Marmite now.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I reckon one of the worst things about living alone is you've only got your own clothes to wear.
There's not another bank of clothes to dip into.
If the situation arises that you'd need to.
If you're wearing women's clothes in the day, you can't say, - "Look" - Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn't mean that.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - If you wear women's clothes in the day Whoa Not on television, I don't say that.
You could.
You just say it's part of a loving, heterosexual relationship.
It's just something I like doing when my wife is out sort of thing.
Who told you that? It's fairly obvious.
So, worst thing about living on your own.
Is it, worst thing about living on your own is nobody to talk to? Is the right answer.
APPLAUSE Yes, the worst thing about living alone is having no-one to talk to.
There's an old man who lives alone next to me.
Still, he's just bought himself a new dog for company.
I think he's called it Help because I keep on hearing him calling it, "Help! Help! Help!" Don't worry, though.
I think the dog has come back cos I haven't heard him shout anything in ages.
LAUGHTER HOOTER That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
The final scores are Sean, Paul and Richard are tonight's winners with six points.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night.
Red Bee Media Ltd