8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s21e03 Episode Script
Kerry Godliman, Nish Kumar, Fred Sirieix, Judi Love, Natasha Demetriou
1 CHEERING Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats.
Our Pointless friend, it's Richard Osman! She's having a laugh, it's Ellie Taylor! And their team captain, Rob Beckett! And facing them tonight.
Acting funny, it's Jessica Knappett! Here for the craic, it's David O'Doherty! And their team captain, Aisling Bea! Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 50% of people say they feel they're not living life to the full.
Come on, how can you say that? You're sitting on your own, watching E4, in your pants, eating a yoghurt.
It's pretty full-on.
Tinder has 10 million active daily users.
Oh, yeah, it's got users all right.
You could've called me, Carlos.
You could've called.
And 64% of teenagers think they have it harder than their parents.
Well, I'd like to say to those teenagers, they're wrong.
No-one has ever had it harder than your mum.
Right, let's get started! What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the nation's top three most popular Brits.
Aisling's team, who do you think are the most popular people in Britain? Uh, JK Rowling.
She's become incredibly successful, a global phenomenon.
- Yeah.
- Do you love her? - Oh, I love her, I've read, - have you read all the Harry Potter books? - No, I'm 32.
But .
.
I've read a lot of her work, on Twitter, which I think is genius.
Because she is Sorry, sorry, actually Yeah, no, no, the books are stupid, they're childish, it's silly.
I mean, she is a woman who basically has become a billionaire by taking children's pocket money.
She's a genius in my book.
Did you see recently, speaking of Twitter, she's had this big Twitter spat with Joanna Trollope? It's actually really hard when someone's called a Trollope already to work out what to call them.
But I love the idea of, like, authors having feuds.
That, like, she's driving by Joanna Trollope's house in her Beamer, going "What's up, Joanna Trollope? "Bitches writing witches!" Why is she wasting her time arguing with people on Twitter when she's a billionaire? If I was a billionaire, I'd go in Argos and buy one of everything.
I mean, that, that's literally everything we need to know about you in one sentence.
Rich, have you read these books, the Harry Potters? I haven't.
You know what, I do, I think, you know, she's made it OK for a whole generation of children to read again, which I genuinely think is a real shame.
Because when I was growing up, you were allowed to just watch television.
Kids these days have to read.
My daughter read all the Harry Potter books, I had to read some of them.
They It's fine.
But I say to my son, "Why don't you read this thing? "It's good, it's got wizards, and there's like lots of deaths.
" And he honestly goes, "You know there are video games, right? "Why on earth would you be reading a book when there's a video game?" Quite a positive message there for the future of Britain.
- I quite like it.
- You can't help the truth! Computer games are better than books, and so are films.
Because you don't have to do the thinking, it's there.
You know what I mean? And you know what, I think Steven Spielberg's got a better idea of what I want to watch than what I do.
I've got a pretty good idea of what you want to watch.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Are you flirting with me? So David, you've read the books, right? Yeah, I mean, they're just, they're quite complicated.
You know? I will say that about them, it's just generally, I feel I grew up in a more simple time, when a wizard had a pointy hat, you know? It was a man, a woman that was a wizard was a witch, and had a cow, uh, or a cat.
- A cow? - Sorry, yeah It's quite complicated, people.
They're quite complicated, David wasn't able to remember all the facts.
I love all the Harry Potter books.
The only thing is, like, Hogwarts is not a great school.
Every year, they have a rather large amount of accidents involving children, at least one of the staff members get murdered, like, Ofsted should be stepping in.
"What is going on here? There's a snake in the sewer.
" I've not really read Harry Potter, I've not watched the films.
It's, it just, it reinforces the fact that boarding schools are weird, innit? The reason you wouldn't enjoy it is because the kid with hair like yours - is the baddie.
- We're always the baddie! I heard the best, uh, Harry Potter chat-up line, was a guy saying, "I'm Draco Malfoy, can I slither in?" Ohh! What I like about films is, um, you know, cos Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter, it was so method, he's actually stayed a child.
Have you seen you? What? Shall we have a look at, uh I mean, obviously JK Rowling has legions of fans.
This may be her biggest fan.
Hello, I'm Harry Potter himself.
You're looking for America's biggest Harry Potter fan.
But you're in luck, you found the world's biggest Harry Potter fan.
In 2006, watch it, steady on.
In 2006, I went and saw JK Rowling in New York City.
Where she signed this.
And this.
Which is now one of four tattoos on my body.
With plans for more.
APPLAUSE Uh, fun fact, that is the man that kills JK Rowling.
If he ever has sex, he's going to shout out Expelliarmus, isn't he? I don't think he needs to worry about that.
David, you write children's books, which are, and I've got the statistics here, much less successful.
It's difficult to quantify the joy you bring to children, but, yes, I bring a lot of joy to children, carry on.
So you've written, what children's books have you written? I've written a series of books called Danger Is Everywhere, - which is, uh - Not as good as Harry Potter.
David, David, can I ask you a sensible question about it? Who's in the films of your books? OK, well, let's have a look and see if JK Rowling is up there.
Yes, it's JK Rowling! JK Rowling was once unemployed and living on state benefits.
But now, she's richer than the Queen.
Who, ironically, is unemployed and living on state benefits.
OK, Rob, Rich, Ellie, who else is the nation's favourite Brit? Um, I think people like Jamie Oliver, don't they? He's always doing something.
Every time you look, he's got something open.
Jamie's cockle van, Jamie's kebab stall.
Jamie's bag of chips.
I feel like Jamie Oliver, like, he's really liked outside of Britain, but I don't know if he's popular in Britain.
He feels like the UK's Bono.
Like, the more good he does, people are like, "You smug prick, stop it! "Try less, mate!" I don't know, I've had feelings for Jamie for quite a long time.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Romantic feelings? - Yeah, all my sexual fantasies about Jamie Oliver - don't really actually contain sex.
- What do they contain? Well, it's really, it's sort of He's in the kitchen, he's cooked me a roast chicken.
And then he, like, draws me a bath.
And then I, when I come out of the bath, I come back into the kitchen, and he's just, like, washed up and tidied everything away.
Oh, stop it! And that's it.
Did you say sexual fantasy? Yeah, but that's the thing about being with Jamie, there's no pressure to put out.
Yeah.
That's what I like about him.
I mean, in this fantasy, though, is the bath really hot? And then you look down, and there's carrots in it as well? You'd want to worry about, like, if I was his wife, I'd feel really sad.
- Jules? - Yeah, Jules, Jules.
Because, like, he'd come home and go - She don't like her.
- Yeah.
- Um, if I was his current first wife .
.
Jules, and he was telling me, "Oh, you look gorgeous.
" "I just saw you on the BBC calling a trout gorgeous! "How am I supposed to feel?" He's got so many kids, in't he? It's like Daisy Boo, Poppy, Honey, River Rocket, he's running out of names! Next one he'll be like, "What should we call this, Spaghetti Pete? I don't know.
" My friend worked in Jamie's Italian in Dublin, and you're given a list of words that you're supposed to say.
Them's proper posh chips.
But, uh, he was selling a pizza to someone, and you were told to say, "Do you want me to pimp that for you?" - Ohh.
- And it was like an old lady who was like, "Hire it out for sex work?" That is so Jamie.
- What do you think, do you like him, Ellie? - I do quite like him.
It's nice to have someone, cos I'm from Essex, someone else from Essex who isn't just famous for being, like, "Oh, you're mugging me off!" So that's quite nice.
He's got a trade, and I like that about him.
- I'm from Essex as well.
- Are you? - Yeah, if that helps at all.
You're really ruining the image.
There was literally like a gasp from the audience.
- Whereabouts are you from? - Billericay.
- Shut the front door! - No, where are you from? - Brentwood! - No! - Oh, my God! That means we're going to have to fight.
I was worried where that was going to go there, Richard.
To be fair, the size of her, I reckon you could reach from there! DAVID: My, um - Wow! - There's a good chance they're talking about fighting.
Maybe they're talking about fighting.
The closest I'll ever get to working at Subway, like that.
Six inch or foot-long? APPLAUSE I can tell you that Jamie Oliver is not on our list.
I don't know what Jamie Oliver eats himself, but he's clearly allergic to it.
His tongue has swollen right up.
Fingers on buzzers, other popular Brits? - What do you think? - I would say, Ed Mary Jehovah Sheeran.
- Oh, yeah.
- Is that - Surely? Yeah, in the taxi here, he came on three times in ten minutes.
- Yeah.
- I wonder if Ed Sheeran has a curry and goes to bed, sometimes when he wakes up in the morning, three of his farts during the night are in the top ten? No matter how rich and successful, like, and he's the biggest rock star in the world, he still looks like a virgin.
He's probably had more sex this morning than I've had in my life, but Him and the Pope are the only virgins to sell out Wembley, I think.
He's always got a look on his face, like, "I don't know how this happened either.
" Aisling, David, you're Irish, yeah? - Yeah, we are.
- Little treat for you, I think you're going to enjoy.
This is Ed Sheeran's Galway Girl.
Enjoy.
# She played the fiddle in an Irish band # But she fell in love with an Englishman # Kissed her on the neck and then I took her by the hand # Said, "Baby, I just want to dance" # My pretty little Galway girl Na-na na na na na na Galway girl This is actually, in Ireland, it's actually a tragic song, because it's like, she played the fiddle in an Irish band, ding ding, but she fell in love with an Englishman.
It was massive in Ireland, though, that song.
I think everyone Irish had the same feeling when Galway Girl came out.
They were like, "Oh, my God, I hate this! "Oh, my God, I hate this! "I'm having this played at my wedding, I love this!" He's had a tattoo of that on his arm, but he's had it, it's spelled wrong, so girl is spelt "gril".
But he's been saying to everyone that he meant it to be that way, which is like someone with one of those shit Chinese symbols, "I just love Kung pao chicken.
"No, really, really!" I'm just sick of people telling me what their tattoos mean, you know? Like that, which is like, "Oh, that's in honour of my, uh, "Godfather who died three-year.
" Oh, so you got a skull with flames coming out of the eyes burning a playing card with tits on it? That is a solemn reminder of his life in IT sales, that's what that is.
Rich, are you a fan of Ed Sheeran, do you like him? Honestly, that's the first time that I think I've consciously ever heard any of his music.
I'm aware he's had all these hits, and I must have heard I've rung up call centres, I've been in lifts, I must've heard his music sometime in the last five years.
I'm the same way with Drake, I can't honestly tell you what any of his songs actually are.
There was a point where Ed Sheeran and Drake and Stormzy had 50 of the top 100 singles at the same time.
- And I hadn't heard a single one.
- I don't think you're the demographic.
Do you want to see the best thing you've ever seen in your life? No, no.
I really don't, because, where do I go from here? Sorry That's a great point.
APPLAUSE It's a baby crying, and then they put on some Ed Sheeran.
Just, just watch.
CRYING MUSIC PLAYS: Shape Of You by Ed Sheeran MUSIC IS TURNED DOWN SILENCE CRYING MUSIC TURNS BACK UP APPLAUSE That's the demographic.
The only thing I knew about Ed Sheeran before was, he famously had a Nando's black card.
I've always been very envious of that.
You know Nando's black cards? - I do, yeah, I'm a - Have you got one? - Yeah.
- So that, like, gets you free Nando's, plus five friends for life? - Yeah.
- Yeah, he just needs the five friends and he'll be away.
RICHARD: Wow.
Well, you're off the list.
Do you know my beef with, uh, Sheersy? So I did a gig in Dublin, there was very fancy equipment at the gig, so I'm there to the tech, "Why is the mic so fancy, "why's it so fancy tonight?" And the tech is like, "Get this, "Ed Sheeran is recording an extra for his DVD here tonight.
" And I'm so sorry to admit this, because I'm 41, but if you tell me this is Sheeran's gear, only one thing's going to So I put it down my pants.
And a load of people took photos of it and tweeted it to Ed Sheeran.
And he's like, "That is charming behaviour, David.
" I immediately got 50,000 new Twitter followers who all thought that I was best friends with Sheersy.
And for this weird two-week period, everything I said went viral.
One of my tweets was: "Hey @Rathmines swimming pool, "is there a swim tonight at 9pm?" That got 1,200 likes and 400 retweets.
Well, let's see if Ed Sheeran is up there.
Yes, second! APPLAUSE Yes, it's Ed Sheeran! Ed Sheeran is an award-winning singer-songwriter, and national treasure.
Is there anything he can't do? Yes.
Open a fridge without getting sunburned.
That's it for part one, see you after the break! Welcome back.
We're still trying to guess the most popular Brits.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER - Rob? - Is it Anthony Joshua? - The boxing legend.
- You met him recently, didn't you? - Yeah, I did a documentary about him.
I met Klitschko, the person he's fighting, as well.
They're such big man and it's so I feel pathetic.
LAUGHTER No, but, like, they're 6ft 6in, but their body They're just so muscly.
We're supposed to be both grown-ups.
In fairness, he does do a lot of training.
Have a look at this.
HE GROANS APPLAUSE You know what? You know what, though? If you want to have teeth like Rob's, that's how hard you gotta work out.
You know Nigeria turned him down to be part of their Olympics in 2008? I love the idea of him going back having, like, his Pretty Woman moment and going, "You guys work on commission? Big mistake.
HUGE mistake.
" Jessica, have you ever watched a fight? - I did watch the fight, yeah - What did you do? .
.
in the most conventional way.
I was in the Walkabout in Newquay on a hen do.
I've never really watched it before, but I got quite into it.
I was quite scared and horny, if I'm honest.
It's something very primal going on.
Rob, you were You made this documentary about the fight.
Or just pre the fight.
And you got to spar with - a former middleweight champion.
- Oh If only there were a clip of that(!) So Can I just say, he's an ex-world champion, and I'm not! I don't think you needed to say that.
When you watch it, just remember Rob is not a professional boxer.
- Have a little look.
- Aw Hands up! You need waking up! Oh, my goodness.
Look at that power.
'The training had paid off.
' Well done! Look at the speed of this man.
'Sort of' - Oh, mate! - Are you all right, mate? Talk us through it again.
Which one was a professional boxer(?) - I was in the blue on the floor.
- You were in the blue? - Looking ripped.
- Yeah.
I look like somebody's made a human out of mashed potato.
JIMMY GUFFAWS APPLAUSE I would pay £40 to see you fight Vladimir Klitschko.
- I'd love to see that.
- Yeah.
He didn't like me when we met, either.
- Why? - Ah, I kept on, I said to him, "If you win" He went, "I will win.
" I went on, "If you win" "I will win.
" Then I went, "Isn't there any part of your head telling you you might not? "How are you being that positive?" And he went, "Don't ask a fighter "a question he can't answer with words.
" And I tell you, I was that close.
Because when I go, I go.
JIMMY GUFFAWS The little mashed potato monster's on his case.
OK, Paul, I can tell you Anthony Joshua is not on our list.
THEY SIGH But Joshua won his big fight against Vladimir Klitschko at Wembley.
But the weird thing was, no-one seemed to know what the fight was about.
Normally a girl, innit? OK, all right.
Fingers on buzzers, one more to go.
- OK, what do you think? - David Beckham.
David Beckham, what, you think he's very popular? Well, everyone loves him.
He's getting more and more handsome by the day.
It's like a disease he's got.
You've been cured, I see! Yeah You knock 'em up, I'll hit it I mean - Aw.
- You're a very handsome man.
No-one's denying it, they're just reassuring you.
Let's have a look at David Beckham talking about his tattoos, in this enlightening clip from 2000.
What is this, David? It's a new tattoo I'm thinking about having.
I wanted a new tattoo for ages but I just couldn'tnot think.
I've known what I've wanted because I wanted something to do with Victoria, Victoria's name.
And I think it'd look We've both agreed it'd look a bit tacky if I had "Victoria", just in English, down there.
So I've gone for Arabic.
Why? Not for any reason, I just It's quite arty It's quite arty writing.
I wanted something different.
I tried it in Chinese writing the other night, it looked very good.
Victoria was very impressed.
I copied it off of a Chinese menu.
So I probably had "fried rice" and "salt and pepper ribs" and "hot and sour soup" on my arm, instead of "Victoria".
- Aw.
He's adorable.
- I don't understand.
- Is that real? Is that real? - What do you mean, is that real? I thought that was a Comic Relief spoof video, or something.
No, that's a documentary he made back in 2000.
- Oh, my God.
- Also, he doesn't call them tattoos, - he calls them arm pictures.
- Oh, my God! And he also had two weird square bowls with floating eggs in them.
Yeah, he had two hard-boiled eggs in front of him.
Yeah.
In the water.
Why, David? You know those e-mails where he was asking for a effing knighthood, they were definitely doctored, because there's no way he could spell "knighthood", - from watching that.
- It must be pretty hard, though, considering Sir Mix-A-Lot got one and he didn't.
I don't think you should be angry about getting one, but I quite think I'd quite like to be a sir.
- I mean, I - Good luck with that.
If anyone here is going to be a sir, it's going to be the king of daytime.
- I bet the Queen watches Pointless.
- Where's Bradley Walsh? Is Bradley Walsh here? APPLAUSE I think you'll find it's not daytime, it is access prime.
That's what it is, very different.
I'm sorry, access prime? Isn't that an account on Amazon? What time is that, Richard? It's when non-middle-class people are home, - but middle-class people haven't got home from work yet.
- Ah! Middle-class people say, "People who don't work watch your show.
" You go, "It's on at 5.
15pm and most people finish work at 5pm "and live quite near where they work.
"Just cos you work in London "and it takes you 4½ hours to get home to Northampton.
" Someone's a bit touchy about their early start time, aren't they? I can tell you, David Beckham is not one of our favourite Brits.
- Aw.
- According to reports, David Beckham's tax arrangements means he'll never get a knighthood, which is not even in the top five reasons I'm not getting one.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER - OK, go on, what do you think? - Is it the Queen? Fan of the Queen, Aisling? Yeah, sure.
It's about time Britain gave her break.
She's 91, she's been doing the same job for 65 years.
I feel like she should do what all old women are allowed to do - grow out your chin hair, tour the Canaries on a boat, let a gas man in with an invalid ID.
Just I think that's what she deserves now.
I think she deserves the crown for having the most boring, awkward life anyone could ever have.
Cos her life is basically just like an endless string of uncomfortable social situations, isn't it? It's just like, she's gotta go to hospital, she's gotta shake strangers' hands.
She's got to talk to other people's kids.
Have you ever had to talk to other people's kids? They are really boring.
Do you know, I read a thing about Queen the other day, that when she does the State Opening of Parliament, she has to practise doing it, she isn't allowed to wear the proper crown because it has the Tower of London, so apparently she practises with a bag of flour on her head.
I was like, surely she's got enough money to get a fake crown made, rather than just using things from the Ocado shop.
Or Burger King.
Or just use a corgi.
Or she might be a massive cokehead and pretending it's flour.
"See that?" "Oh, what's that? I've just been practising me flour head again.
" I think it's time for a bit of rebellion.
She hasn't beheaded anyone once.
She's a British monarch.
They should give her that for her next birthday.
She should just be allowed one kill.
Who would you nominate? Oh, um Jamie Oliver's wife.
Jules? Not Jules! Poor Jules, sat at home watching this.
Just got the kids off to sleep.
Better go and check on Spaghetti Pete, see if he's all right.
Better go and check on Spaghetti Pete! One of their kids is not called Spaghetti Pete, you made that up.
In my head, I've gotta tell you, yeah, he's got a kid called Spaghetti Pete.
Let's have a look and see if the Queen is up there.
Yes, it's the Queen.
According to Buckingham Palace, the Royal Family cost each of us 61p per person per year.
But they have made some cutbacks - Diana, Margaret and the Queen Mum have all been laid off.
GASPS AND GROANS Treason.
Hur-gh-gh! At least Jules'll be all right.
So those were the top three most popular Brits, but others include, Adele.
Adele was offered a place at Liverpool University, but turned it down to pursue music.
Sure, it's paid off in the short term, but what she got to fall back on? That 200 million isn't going to last for ever.
Mo Farah.
Mo was famously the face of Quorn.
Weird, I thought the face of Quorn was APPLAUSE And Simon Cowell.
Simon Cowell left school just two O-levels and look at him now - still a fucking moron.
So, at the end of that round Rob, Ellie and Richard have no points.
Aisling, Jessica and David have three points.
That's it for part two, see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Ellie, Richard - what do you like the look of? Oh, we've got to go for our Ricky O, don't we? Ricky Osman.
OK.
Most people think they're smart enough to win a quiz show.
- True or false? - False! - LAUGHTER - I'm afraid you're wrong.
- Aww.
LAUGHTER This is the same studio we film Pointless.
Where David is sitting there is roughly where I sit.
Jessica is roughly where the column is, and if you look under your desk, that's Alexander Armstrong's secret coke stash.
LAUGHTER Does this remind you of anything? HE MOCKS RICHARD LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - That's a little harsh.
I mean - listen, it looked like me.
I don't think it sounded like me.
LAUGHTER So, I've knocked the microphone off in trying to do an impersonation.
Yeah, you know what? It's harder to be me than it looks, my friend.
Sorry, do you think your impression was so good you dropped the mic? LAUGHTER Literally, our sound department has just gone, "Aww.
" LAUGHTER Should we treat ourselves to a little look at Pointless? Check this out.
We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many words ending in 'ZZ.
' OK, so I have a word, um But, again, it's sort of slangy, maybe slightly profane.
So what do I do about that? What's your counsel? - Hey listen, my counsel is - LAUGHTER My counsel, if it's going to score you 250 quid, fabulous.
So, I'm going to go with jizz.
LAUGHTER I see.
LAUGHTER Let's see how many of our 100 people said jizz.
It's a correct answer.
And it gets you through.
APPLAUSE And that scores you seven, which takes your total up to 11.
- Richard? - Yeah, uh, jizz is of course, it's, uh Everybody knows, it's the characteristic first impression you get of a plant or animal.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE My mother gets confused between, like, certain words with Zs in them, like pizzazz.
And so one time she met one of my friends, and he's not very entertaining.
She was like "I don't like him.
He had no jizz in him, you know?" LAUGHTER I had to explain to her what jizz was and she was like, "Yeah, I don't think he had any of that, either.
" Got a bit of an issue with you, mate.
I've done The Cube, I've done The Chase, never done Pointless.
You did a comedian's special, I wasn't invited on.
- Yeah, it was a comedian special.
- Oh.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, "Most people think they're smart enough to win a quiz show.
" David, what do you think? There is the spectrum of quiz shows which has, we'll say Catchphrase, Family Fortunes at one end, and then say Only Connect, University Challenge at the other end.
At one end, if you don't answer all of them correct, you can't sleep that night, and at the other end if you get one of them right in your life, you retire, so - LAUGHTER - The irony is The irony is the easier they are, the more money you earn.
Catchphrase is slightly easier to win than Only Connect, but you can win like 30 grand on Catchphrase, and Only Connect you get like a mug, maybe? LAUGHTER What's Mr Chips doing? That's it, right? Rather than what's the fucking square root of what Mr Chips is doing? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jessica, do you think you'd be any good on a quiz? I don't even I can't even get like basic questions right.
I sort of panic under pressure like, you know when you're in the opticians? OK, like, "Is it better WITH, or better WITHOUT?" And I'm like, "I don't know!" LAUGHTER I can't answer, like, basic questions, so, no, too much pressure for me.
I think people THINK that they can win on a quiz show in the same way people always think they can parallel park, and they're like, "Yeah I can do this.
" And then they have a go and then ten minutes and, like, a dead old person later, they're like "A bit harder than it looks!" LAUGHTER What I got from that is you can't parallel park.
- LAUGHTER - For shit, mate.
For shit.
- I can't, either.
This is so bad.
- It's so hard! I had to pick my dad up from the hospital, he was getting his cataracts done, right, and I couldn't parallel park it, and in the end, he got out and did it with no eyes.
LAUGHTER So, most people think they're smart enough to win a quiz show.
- True or false? What are you going to say? - False, I think.
Most people are quite Most people watch shows that are slightly too clever for them.
- BOTH: False.
- You're going false.
What are you guys going to go for? I I think true because I think most people are watching at home going "Yeah, cos I was actually going to say that, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- True.
- You think true.
OK, well I can tell you the answer is true.
APPLAUSE 56% of people think they're smart enough to win a quiz show.
APPLAUSE My least favourite quiz show is definitely Countdown.
God, imagine having to play THA day after day.
LAUGHTER So, at the end of that round, it's no points for Rob's team and four points for Aisling's team.
CHEERING And The Winner Is, is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
People who can do, do you know poached eggs? We can all poach an egg using the little boat, - but using the swirling technique - Aw, impossible! Yeah, I try and it always ends up looking like a testicle with a ghost.
LAUGHTER I made breakfast! When I was growing up, we used to be jealous of those rich kids that had, do you know like the motorized little BMW car things - that they'd go round the garden in? - Oh, yeah.
And now I can afford one, I can't fit in them.
LAUGHTER You could get one for your own child.
Nah, cos then I'd think, "spoilt brat".
LAUGHTER Ellie, what do you get jealous of? I think I get quite jealous, like, if I hear my husband on the phone to another woman and just hear her being like, "Press 4 for customer service".
LAUGHTER Whore! LAUGHTER What do you guys get jealous of? I get career jealous.
- Mm.
- Career jealousy.
- Yeah, I get jealous of North Korea.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Is that the nice one? - I think so.
- You get jealous of people's careers? - Yeah.
I found that one of the highest-paid actresses in England is the Witch of Wookey Hole.
- The kids' show? - No, she's actually in Wookey Hole, which is a cave, and she just pops out at people and she's just a witch.
LAUGHTER And that's a proper job that she's on, like, 40 grand a year for that.
Sorry, you're jealous of a witch that lives in a cave? LAUGHTER I mean all right, I think we can probably get you that.
The bar's pretty low, Jimmy.
David, do you ever do anything Have you ever made anyone very jealous? Ugh.
Well, my friend Mike and I, he lives near a cafe where I drink very strong coffee, and I go to his house and do shits sometimes.
- And - LAUGHTER I, uh And I did one recently that was so big, when I - What was the question again? - The question was about LAUGHTER I mean I tell you who misheard, David O'Doherty.
LAUGHTER And he was like, "Oh, that's a sweet job "you've done there," you know? LAUGHTER OK, top thing people get jealous about.
People that can spell definitely.
LAUGHTER - Ohh - I've got D-E-F - after that, I've got nothing left in the locker.
LAUGHTER - That's why defo was invented.
- Defo.
LAUGHTER New girlfriends or new boyfriends.
- Yeah, that's a good answer, yeah.
- It's that sort of area.
- Flirting, flirting.
- Flirting with Yeah.
- Flirting is exactly it.
- Ahh.
APPLAUSE Yes, the top thing people get jealous about is their partner flirting.
I'm a bit of a flirt.
Just last night, I had a girl give me a look that left me in no doubt as to what she wanted.
She wanted me to fuck off.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are, Rob, Ellie, and Richard have no points, Aisling, Jessica, and David have five points! - That means we're the winners! - It's Pointless.
LAUGHTER Which means, because this is the studio where they record Pointless, - that you are the winners.
- Hey! CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight! CHEERING
Our Pointless friend, it's Richard Osman! She's having a laugh, it's Ellie Taylor! And their team captain, Rob Beckett! And facing them tonight.
Acting funny, it's Jessica Knappett! Here for the craic, it's David O'Doherty! And their team captain, Aisling Bea! Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 50% of people say they feel they're not living life to the full.
Come on, how can you say that? You're sitting on your own, watching E4, in your pants, eating a yoghurt.
It's pretty full-on.
Tinder has 10 million active daily users.
Oh, yeah, it's got users all right.
You could've called me, Carlos.
You could've called.
And 64% of teenagers think they have it harder than their parents.
Well, I'd like to say to those teenagers, they're wrong.
No-one has ever had it harder than your mum.
Right, let's get started! What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the nation's top three most popular Brits.
Aisling's team, who do you think are the most popular people in Britain? Uh, JK Rowling.
She's become incredibly successful, a global phenomenon.
- Yeah.
- Do you love her? - Oh, I love her, I've read, - have you read all the Harry Potter books? - No, I'm 32.
But .
.
I've read a lot of her work, on Twitter, which I think is genius.
Because she is Sorry, sorry, actually Yeah, no, no, the books are stupid, they're childish, it's silly.
I mean, she is a woman who basically has become a billionaire by taking children's pocket money.
She's a genius in my book.
Did you see recently, speaking of Twitter, she's had this big Twitter spat with Joanna Trollope? It's actually really hard when someone's called a Trollope already to work out what to call them.
But I love the idea of, like, authors having feuds.
That, like, she's driving by Joanna Trollope's house in her Beamer, going "What's up, Joanna Trollope? "Bitches writing witches!" Why is she wasting her time arguing with people on Twitter when she's a billionaire? If I was a billionaire, I'd go in Argos and buy one of everything.
I mean, that, that's literally everything we need to know about you in one sentence.
Rich, have you read these books, the Harry Potters? I haven't.
You know what, I do, I think, you know, she's made it OK for a whole generation of children to read again, which I genuinely think is a real shame.
Because when I was growing up, you were allowed to just watch television.
Kids these days have to read.
My daughter read all the Harry Potter books, I had to read some of them.
They It's fine.
But I say to my son, "Why don't you read this thing? "It's good, it's got wizards, and there's like lots of deaths.
" And he honestly goes, "You know there are video games, right? "Why on earth would you be reading a book when there's a video game?" Quite a positive message there for the future of Britain.
- I quite like it.
- You can't help the truth! Computer games are better than books, and so are films.
Because you don't have to do the thinking, it's there.
You know what I mean? And you know what, I think Steven Spielberg's got a better idea of what I want to watch than what I do.
I've got a pretty good idea of what you want to watch.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Are you flirting with me? So David, you've read the books, right? Yeah, I mean, they're just, they're quite complicated.
You know? I will say that about them, it's just generally, I feel I grew up in a more simple time, when a wizard had a pointy hat, you know? It was a man, a woman that was a wizard was a witch, and had a cow, uh, or a cat.
- A cow? - Sorry, yeah It's quite complicated, people.
They're quite complicated, David wasn't able to remember all the facts.
I love all the Harry Potter books.
The only thing is, like, Hogwarts is not a great school.
Every year, they have a rather large amount of accidents involving children, at least one of the staff members get murdered, like, Ofsted should be stepping in.
"What is going on here? There's a snake in the sewer.
" I've not really read Harry Potter, I've not watched the films.
It's, it just, it reinforces the fact that boarding schools are weird, innit? The reason you wouldn't enjoy it is because the kid with hair like yours - is the baddie.
- We're always the baddie! I heard the best, uh, Harry Potter chat-up line, was a guy saying, "I'm Draco Malfoy, can I slither in?" Ohh! What I like about films is, um, you know, cos Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter, it was so method, he's actually stayed a child.
Have you seen you? What? Shall we have a look at, uh I mean, obviously JK Rowling has legions of fans.
This may be her biggest fan.
Hello, I'm Harry Potter himself.
You're looking for America's biggest Harry Potter fan.
But you're in luck, you found the world's biggest Harry Potter fan.
In 2006, watch it, steady on.
In 2006, I went and saw JK Rowling in New York City.
Where she signed this.
And this.
Which is now one of four tattoos on my body.
With plans for more.
APPLAUSE Uh, fun fact, that is the man that kills JK Rowling.
If he ever has sex, he's going to shout out Expelliarmus, isn't he? I don't think he needs to worry about that.
David, you write children's books, which are, and I've got the statistics here, much less successful.
It's difficult to quantify the joy you bring to children, but, yes, I bring a lot of joy to children, carry on.
So you've written, what children's books have you written? I've written a series of books called Danger Is Everywhere, - which is, uh - Not as good as Harry Potter.
David, David, can I ask you a sensible question about it? Who's in the films of your books? OK, well, let's have a look and see if JK Rowling is up there.
Yes, it's JK Rowling! JK Rowling was once unemployed and living on state benefits.
But now, she's richer than the Queen.
Who, ironically, is unemployed and living on state benefits.
OK, Rob, Rich, Ellie, who else is the nation's favourite Brit? Um, I think people like Jamie Oliver, don't they? He's always doing something.
Every time you look, he's got something open.
Jamie's cockle van, Jamie's kebab stall.
Jamie's bag of chips.
I feel like Jamie Oliver, like, he's really liked outside of Britain, but I don't know if he's popular in Britain.
He feels like the UK's Bono.
Like, the more good he does, people are like, "You smug prick, stop it! "Try less, mate!" I don't know, I've had feelings for Jamie for quite a long time.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Romantic feelings? - Yeah, all my sexual fantasies about Jamie Oliver - don't really actually contain sex.
- What do they contain? Well, it's really, it's sort of He's in the kitchen, he's cooked me a roast chicken.
And then he, like, draws me a bath.
And then I, when I come out of the bath, I come back into the kitchen, and he's just, like, washed up and tidied everything away.
Oh, stop it! And that's it.
Did you say sexual fantasy? Yeah, but that's the thing about being with Jamie, there's no pressure to put out.
Yeah.
That's what I like about him.
I mean, in this fantasy, though, is the bath really hot? And then you look down, and there's carrots in it as well? You'd want to worry about, like, if I was his wife, I'd feel really sad.
- Jules? - Yeah, Jules, Jules.
Because, like, he'd come home and go - She don't like her.
- Yeah.
- Um, if I was his current first wife .
.
Jules, and he was telling me, "Oh, you look gorgeous.
" "I just saw you on the BBC calling a trout gorgeous! "How am I supposed to feel?" He's got so many kids, in't he? It's like Daisy Boo, Poppy, Honey, River Rocket, he's running out of names! Next one he'll be like, "What should we call this, Spaghetti Pete? I don't know.
" My friend worked in Jamie's Italian in Dublin, and you're given a list of words that you're supposed to say.
Them's proper posh chips.
But, uh, he was selling a pizza to someone, and you were told to say, "Do you want me to pimp that for you?" - Ohh.
- And it was like an old lady who was like, "Hire it out for sex work?" That is so Jamie.
- What do you think, do you like him, Ellie? - I do quite like him.
It's nice to have someone, cos I'm from Essex, someone else from Essex who isn't just famous for being, like, "Oh, you're mugging me off!" So that's quite nice.
He's got a trade, and I like that about him.
- I'm from Essex as well.
- Are you? - Yeah, if that helps at all.
You're really ruining the image.
There was literally like a gasp from the audience.
- Whereabouts are you from? - Billericay.
- Shut the front door! - No, where are you from? - Brentwood! - No! - Oh, my God! That means we're going to have to fight.
I was worried where that was going to go there, Richard.
To be fair, the size of her, I reckon you could reach from there! DAVID: My, um - Wow! - There's a good chance they're talking about fighting.
Maybe they're talking about fighting.
The closest I'll ever get to working at Subway, like that.
Six inch or foot-long? APPLAUSE I can tell you that Jamie Oliver is not on our list.
I don't know what Jamie Oliver eats himself, but he's clearly allergic to it.
His tongue has swollen right up.
Fingers on buzzers, other popular Brits? - What do you think? - I would say, Ed Mary Jehovah Sheeran.
- Oh, yeah.
- Is that - Surely? Yeah, in the taxi here, he came on three times in ten minutes.
- Yeah.
- I wonder if Ed Sheeran has a curry and goes to bed, sometimes when he wakes up in the morning, three of his farts during the night are in the top ten? No matter how rich and successful, like, and he's the biggest rock star in the world, he still looks like a virgin.
He's probably had more sex this morning than I've had in my life, but Him and the Pope are the only virgins to sell out Wembley, I think.
He's always got a look on his face, like, "I don't know how this happened either.
" Aisling, David, you're Irish, yeah? - Yeah, we are.
- Little treat for you, I think you're going to enjoy.
This is Ed Sheeran's Galway Girl.
Enjoy.
# She played the fiddle in an Irish band # But she fell in love with an Englishman # Kissed her on the neck and then I took her by the hand # Said, "Baby, I just want to dance" # My pretty little Galway girl Na-na na na na na na Galway girl This is actually, in Ireland, it's actually a tragic song, because it's like, she played the fiddle in an Irish band, ding ding, but she fell in love with an Englishman.
It was massive in Ireland, though, that song.
I think everyone Irish had the same feeling when Galway Girl came out.
They were like, "Oh, my God, I hate this! "Oh, my God, I hate this! "I'm having this played at my wedding, I love this!" He's had a tattoo of that on his arm, but he's had it, it's spelled wrong, so girl is spelt "gril".
But he's been saying to everyone that he meant it to be that way, which is like someone with one of those shit Chinese symbols, "I just love Kung pao chicken.
"No, really, really!" I'm just sick of people telling me what their tattoos mean, you know? Like that, which is like, "Oh, that's in honour of my, uh, "Godfather who died three-year.
" Oh, so you got a skull with flames coming out of the eyes burning a playing card with tits on it? That is a solemn reminder of his life in IT sales, that's what that is.
Rich, are you a fan of Ed Sheeran, do you like him? Honestly, that's the first time that I think I've consciously ever heard any of his music.
I'm aware he's had all these hits, and I must have heard I've rung up call centres, I've been in lifts, I must've heard his music sometime in the last five years.
I'm the same way with Drake, I can't honestly tell you what any of his songs actually are.
There was a point where Ed Sheeran and Drake and Stormzy had 50 of the top 100 singles at the same time.
- And I hadn't heard a single one.
- I don't think you're the demographic.
Do you want to see the best thing you've ever seen in your life? No, no.
I really don't, because, where do I go from here? Sorry That's a great point.
APPLAUSE It's a baby crying, and then they put on some Ed Sheeran.
Just, just watch.
CRYING MUSIC PLAYS: Shape Of You by Ed Sheeran MUSIC IS TURNED DOWN SILENCE CRYING MUSIC TURNS BACK UP APPLAUSE That's the demographic.
The only thing I knew about Ed Sheeran before was, he famously had a Nando's black card.
I've always been very envious of that.
You know Nando's black cards? - I do, yeah, I'm a - Have you got one? - Yeah.
- So that, like, gets you free Nando's, plus five friends for life? - Yeah.
- Yeah, he just needs the five friends and he'll be away.
RICHARD: Wow.
Well, you're off the list.
Do you know my beef with, uh, Sheersy? So I did a gig in Dublin, there was very fancy equipment at the gig, so I'm there to the tech, "Why is the mic so fancy, "why's it so fancy tonight?" And the tech is like, "Get this, "Ed Sheeran is recording an extra for his DVD here tonight.
" And I'm so sorry to admit this, because I'm 41, but if you tell me this is Sheeran's gear, only one thing's going to So I put it down my pants.
And a load of people took photos of it and tweeted it to Ed Sheeran.
And he's like, "That is charming behaviour, David.
" I immediately got 50,000 new Twitter followers who all thought that I was best friends with Sheersy.
And for this weird two-week period, everything I said went viral.
One of my tweets was: "Hey @Rathmines swimming pool, "is there a swim tonight at 9pm?" That got 1,200 likes and 400 retweets.
Well, let's see if Ed Sheeran is up there.
Yes, second! APPLAUSE Yes, it's Ed Sheeran! Ed Sheeran is an award-winning singer-songwriter, and national treasure.
Is there anything he can't do? Yes.
Open a fridge without getting sunburned.
That's it for part one, see you after the break! Welcome back.
We're still trying to guess the most popular Brits.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER - Rob? - Is it Anthony Joshua? - The boxing legend.
- You met him recently, didn't you? - Yeah, I did a documentary about him.
I met Klitschko, the person he's fighting, as well.
They're such big man and it's so I feel pathetic.
LAUGHTER No, but, like, they're 6ft 6in, but their body They're just so muscly.
We're supposed to be both grown-ups.
In fairness, he does do a lot of training.
Have a look at this.
HE GROANS APPLAUSE You know what? You know what, though? If you want to have teeth like Rob's, that's how hard you gotta work out.
You know Nigeria turned him down to be part of their Olympics in 2008? I love the idea of him going back having, like, his Pretty Woman moment and going, "You guys work on commission? Big mistake.
HUGE mistake.
" Jessica, have you ever watched a fight? - I did watch the fight, yeah - What did you do? .
.
in the most conventional way.
I was in the Walkabout in Newquay on a hen do.
I've never really watched it before, but I got quite into it.
I was quite scared and horny, if I'm honest.
It's something very primal going on.
Rob, you were You made this documentary about the fight.
Or just pre the fight.
And you got to spar with - a former middleweight champion.
- Oh If only there were a clip of that(!) So Can I just say, he's an ex-world champion, and I'm not! I don't think you needed to say that.
When you watch it, just remember Rob is not a professional boxer.
- Have a little look.
- Aw Hands up! You need waking up! Oh, my goodness.
Look at that power.
'The training had paid off.
' Well done! Look at the speed of this man.
'Sort of' - Oh, mate! - Are you all right, mate? Talk us through it again.
Which one was a professional boxer(?) - I was in the blue on the floor.
- You were in the blue? - Looking ripped.
- Yeah.
I look like somebody's made a human out of mashed potato.
JIMMY GUFFAWS APPLAUSE I would pay £40 to see you fight Vladimir Klitschko.
- I'd love to see that.
- Yeah.
He didn't like me when we met, either.
- Why? - Ah, I kept on, I said to him, "If you win" He went, "I will win.
" I went on, "If you win" "I will win.
" Then I went, "Isn't there any part of your head telling you you might not? "How are you being that positive?" And he went, "Don't ask a fighter "a question he can't answer with words.
" And I tell you, I was that close.
Because when I go, I go.
JIMMY GUFFAWS The little mashed potato monster's on his case.
OK, Paul, I can tell you Anthony Joshua is not on our list.
THEY SIGH But Joshua won his big fight against Vladimir Klitschko at Wembley.
But the weird thing was, no-one seemed to know what the fight was about.
Normally a girl, innit? OK, all right.
Fingers on buzzers, one more to go.
- OK, what do you think? - David Beckham.
David Beckham, what, you think he's very popular? Well, everyone loves him.
He's getting more and more handsome by the day.
It's like a disease he's got.
You've been cured, I see! Yeah You knock 'em up, I'll hit it I mean - Aw.
- You're a very handsome man.
No-one's denying it, they're just reassuring you.
Let's have a look at David Beckham talking about his tattoos, in this enlightening clip from 2000.
What is this, David? It's a new tattoo I'm thinking about having.
I wanted a new tattoo for ages but I just couldn'tnot think.
I've known what I've wanted because I wanted something to do with Victoria, Victoria's name.
And I think it'd look We've both agreed it'd look a bit tacky if I had "Victoria", just in English, down there.
So I've gone for Arabic.
Why? Not for any reason, I just It's quite arty It's quite arty writing.
I wanted something different.
I tried it in Chinese writing the other night, it looked very good.
Victoria was very impressed.
I copied it off of a Chinese menu.
So I probably had "fried rice" and "salt and pepper ribs" and "hot and sour soup" on my arm, instead of "Victoria".
- Aw.
He's adorable.
- I don't understand.
- Is that real? Is that real? - What do you mean, is that real? I thought that was a Comic Relief spoof video, or something.
No, that's a documentary he made back in 2000.
- Oh, my God.
- Also, he doesn't call them tattoos, - he calls them arm pictures.
- Oh, my God! And he also had two weird square bowls with floating eggs in them.
Yeah, he had two hard-boiled eggs in front of him.
Yeah.
In the water.
Why, David? You know those e-mails where he was asking for a effing knighthood, they were definitely doctored, because there's no way he could spell "knighthood", - from watching that.
- It must be pretty hard, though, considering Sir Mix-A-Lot got one and he didn't.
I don't think you should be angry about getting one, but I quite think I'd quite like to be a sir.
- I mean, I - Good luck with that.
If anyone here is going to be a sir, it's going to be the king of daytime.
- I bet the Queen watches Pointless.
- Where's Bradley Walsh? Is Bradley Walsh here? APPLAUSE I think you'll find it's not daytime, it is access prime.
That's what it is, very different.
I'm sorry, access prime? Isn't that an account on Amazon? What time is that, Richard? It's when non-middle-class people are home, - but middle-class people haven't got home from work yet.
- Ah! Middle-class people say, "People who don't work watch your show.
" You go, "It's on at 5.
15pm and most people finish work at 5pm "and live quite near where they work.
"Just cos you work in London "and it takes you 4½ hours to get home to Northampton.
" Someone's a bit touchy about their early start time, aren't they? I can tell you, David Beckham is not one of our favourite Brits.
- Aw.
- According to reports, David Beckham's tax arrangements means he'll never get a knighthood, which is not even in the top five reasons I'm not getting one.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER - OK, go on, what do you think? - Is it the Queen? Fan of the Queen, Aisling? Yeah, sure.
It's about time Britain gave her break.
She's 91, she's been doing the same job for 65 years.
I feel like she should do what all old women are allowed to do - grow out your chin hair, tour the Canaries on a boat, let a gas man in with an invalid ID.
Just I think that's what she deserves now.
I think she deserves the crown for having the most boring, awkward life anyone could ever have.
Cos her life is basically just like an endless string of uncomfortable social situations, isn't it? It's just like, she's gotta go to hospital, she's gotta shake strangers' hands.
She's got to talk to other people's kids.
Have you ever had to talk to other people's kids? They are really boring.
Do you know, I read a thing about Queen the other day, that when she does the State Opening of Parliament, she has to practise doing it, she isn't allowed to wear the proper crown because it has the Tower of London, so apparently she practises with a bag of flour on her head.
I was like, surely she's got enough money to get a fake crown made, rather than just using things from the Ocado shop.
Or Burger King.
Or just use a corgi.
Or she might be a massive cokehead and pretending it's flour.
"See that?" "Oh, what's that? I've just been practising me flour head again.
" I think it's time for a bit of rebellion.
She hasn't beheaded anyone once.
She's a British monarch.
They should give her that for her next birthday.
She should just be allowed one kill.
Who would you nominate? Oh, um Jamie Oliver's wife.
Jules? Not Jules! Poor Jules, sat at home watching this.
Just got the kids off to sleep.
Better go and check on Spaghetti Pete, see if he's all right.
Better go and check on Spaghetti Pete! One of their kids is not called Spaghetti Pete, you made that up.
In my head, I've gotta tell you, yeah, he's got a kid called Spaghetti Pete.
Let's have a look and see if the Queen is up there.
Yes, it's the Queen.
According to Buckingham Palace, the Royal Family cost each of us 61p per person per year.
But they have made some cutbacks - Diana, Margaret and the Queen Mum have all been laid off.
GASPS AND GROANS Treason.
Hur-gh-gh! At least Jules'll be all right.
So those were the top three most popular Brits, but others include, Adele.
Adele was offered a place at Liverpool University, but turned it down to pursue music.
Sure, it's paid off in the short term, but what she got to fall back on? That 200 million isn't going to last for ever.
Mo Farah.
Mo was famously the face of Quorn.
Weird, I thought the face of Quorn was APPLAUSE And Simon Cowell.
Simon Cowell left school just two O-levels and look at him now - still a fucking moron.
So, at the end of that round Rob, Ellie and Richard have no points.
Aisling, Jessica and David have three points.
That's it for part two, see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Ellie, Richard - what do you like the look of? Oh, we've got to go for our Ricky O, don't we? Ricky Osman.
OK.
Most people think they're smart enough to win a quiz show.
- True or false? - False! - LAUGHTER - I'm afraid you're wrong.
- Aww.
LAUGHTER This is the same studio we film Pointless.
Where David is sitting there is roughly where I sit.
Jessica is roughly where the column is, and if you look under your desk, that's Alexander Armstrong's secret coke stash.
LAUGHTER Does this remind you of anything? HE MOCKS RICHARD LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - That's a little harsh.
I mean - listen, it looked like me.
I don't think it sounded like me.
LAUGHTER So, I've knocked the microphone off in trying to do an impersonation.
Yeah, you know what? It's harder to be me than it looks, my friend.
Sorry, do you think your impression was so good you dropped the mic? LAUGHTER Literally, our sound department has just gone, "Aww.
" LAUGHTER Should we treat ourselves to a little look at Pointless? Check this out.
We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many words ending in 'ZZ.
' OK, so I have a word, um But, again, it's sort of slangy, maybe slightly profane.
So what do I do about that? What's your counsel? - Hey listen, my counsel is - LAUGHTER My counsel, if it's going to score you 250 quid, fabulous.
So, I'm going to go with jizz.
LAUGHTER I see.
LAUGHTER Let's see how many of our 100 people said jizz.
It's a correct answer.
And it gets you through.
APPLAUSE And that scores you seven, which takes your total up to 11.
- Richard? - Yeah, uh, jizz is of course, it's, uh Everybody knows, it's the characteristic first impression you get of a plant or animal.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE My mother gets confused between, like, certain words with Zs in them, like pizzazz.
And so one time she met one of my friends, and he's not very entertaining.
She was like "I don't like him.
He had no jizz in him, you know?" LAUGHTER I had to explain to her what jizz was and she was like, "Yeah, I don't think he had any of that, either.
" Got a bit of an issue with you, mate.
I've done The Cube, I've done The Chase, never done Pointless.
You did a comedian's special, I wasn't invited on.
- Yeah, it was a comedian special.
- Oh.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, "Most people think they're smart enough to win a quiz show.
" David, what do you think? There is the spectrum of quiz shows which has, we'll say Catchphrase, Family Fortunes at one end, and then say Only Connect, University Challenge at the other end.
At one end, if you don't answer all of them correct, you can't sleep that night, and at the other end if you get one of them right in your life, you retire, so - LAUGHTER - The irony is The irony is the easier they are, the more money you earn.
Catchphrase is slightly easier to win than Only Connect, but you can win like 30 grand on Catchphrase, and Only Connect you get like a mug, maybe? LAUGHTER What's Mr Chips doing? That's it, right? Rather than what's the fucking square root of what Mr Chips is doing? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jessica, do you think you'd be any good on a quiz? I don't even I can't even get like basic questions right.
I sort of panic under pressure like, you know when you're in the opticians? OK, like, "Is it better WITH, or better WITHOUT?" And I'm like, "I don't know!" LAUGHTER I can't answer, like, basic questions, so, no, too much pressure for me.
I think people THINK that they can win on a quiz show in the same way people always think they can parallel park, and they're like, "Yeah I can do this.
" And then they have a go and then ten minutes and, like, a dead old person later, they're like "A bit harder than it looks!" LAUGHTER What I got from that is you can't parallel park.
- LAUGHTER - For shit, mate.
For shit.
- I can't, either.
This is so bad.
- It's so hard! I had to pick my dad up from the hospital, he was getting his cataracts done, right, and I couldn't parallel park it, and in the end, he got out and did it with no eyes.
LAUGHTER So, most people think they're smart enough to win a quiz show.
- True or false? What are you going to say? - False, I think.
Most people are quite Most people watch shows that are slightly too clever for them.
- BOTH: False.
- You're going false.
What are you guys going to go for? I I think true because I think most people are watching at home going "Yeah, cos I was actually going to say that, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- True.
- You think true.
OK, well I can tell you the answer is true.
APPLAUSE 56% of people think they're smart enough to win a quiz show.
APPLAUSE My least favourite quiz show is definitely Countdown.
God, imagine having to play THA day after day.
LAUGHTER So, at the end of that round, it's no points for Rob's team and four points for Aisling's team.
CHEERING And The Winner Is, is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
People who can do, do you know poached eggs? We can all poach an egg using the little boat, - but using the swirling technique - Aw, impossible! Yeah, I try and it always ends up looking like a testicle with a ghost.
LAUGHTER I made breakfast! When I was growing up, we used to be jealous of those rich kids that had, do you know like the motorized little BMW car things - that they'd go round the garden in? - Oh, yeah.
And now I can afford one, I can't fit in them.
LAUGHTER You could get one for your own child.
Nah, cos then I'd think, "spoilt brat".
LAUGHTER Ellie, what do you get jealous of? I think I get quite jealous, like, if I hear my husband on the phone to another woman and just hear her being like, "Press 4 for customer service".
LAUGHTER Whore! LAUGHTER What do you guys get jealous of? I get career jealous.
- Mm.
- Career jealousy.
- Yeah, I get jealous of North Korea.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Is that the nice one? - I think so.
- You get jealous of people's careers? - Yeah.
I found that one of the highest-paid actresses in England is the Witch of Wookey Hole.
- The kids' show? - No, she's actually in Wookey Hole, which is a cave, and she just pops out at people and she's just a witch.
LAUGHTER And that's a proper job that she's on, like, 40 grand a year for that.
Sorry, you're jealous of a witch that lives in a cave? LAUGHTER I mean all right, I think we can probably get you that.
The bar's pretty low, Jimmy.
David, do you ever do anything Have you ever made anyone very jealous? Ugh.
Well, my friend Mike and I, he lives near a cafe where I drink very strong coffee, and I go to his house and do shits sometimes.
- And - LAUGHTER I, uh And I did one recently that was so big, when I - What was the question again? - The question was about LAUGHTER I mean I tell you who misheard, David O'Doherty.
LAUGHTER And he was like, "Oh, that's a sweet job "you've done there," you know? LAUGHTER OK, top thing people get jealous about.
People that can spell definitely.
LAUGHTER - Ohh - I've got D-E-F - after that, I've got nothing left in the locker.
LAUGHTER - That's why defo was invented.
- Defo.
LAUGHTER New girlfriends or new boyfriends.
- Yeah, that's a good answer, yeah.
- It's that sort of area.
- Flirting, flirting.
- Flirting with Yeah.
- Flirting is exactly it.
- Ahh.
APPLAUSE Yes, the top thing people get jealous about is their partner flirting.
I'm a bit of a flirt.
Just last night, I had a girl give me a look that left me in no doubt as to what she wanted.
She wanted me to fuck off.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are, Rob, Ellie, and Richard have no points, Aisling, Jessica, and David have five points! - That means we're the winners! - It's Pointless.
LAUGHTER Which means, because this is the studio where they record Pointless, - that you are the winners.
- Hey! CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight! CHEERING