8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s21e06 Episode Script
Stacey Solomon, Liam Charles, Ed Gamble, Lou Sanders
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, Star Baker - it's Liam Charles! He's a stand-up guy.
It's Ed Gamble! And Rob Beckett, their team captain! And facing them tonight, made in Dagenham, it's Stacey Solomon! Show me the funny! It's Lou Sanders! And Aisling Bea, their team captain! Now, welcome your host, Jimmmmmmmmy Carr! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats - a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, the Queen has spent 72% of her life on the throne.
I'm guessing, that will be IBS.
LAUGHTER 57% of Brits think children should be taught about orgasms at school.
They did it at my school, but weirdly, during PE.
LAUGHTER And one in five women talk to their mum at least once a day.
And not just women, I talk to your mum at least three times a day.
LAUGHTER Although £3 a minute is expensive.
Right, let's get started! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? - that's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Rob's team, what do you think the nation's been talking about this week? Well, the big release of the Avengers film.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You're excited about this, Liam? I'm buzzing for Avengers.
You know how there has been 22 films? Yeah.
I've been watching one every week leading up to the Endgame.
What is your endgame, losing your virginity? LAUGHTER Liam, tell me about watching the 22 Avengers movies in a row, because I've missed a couple of the key ones.
You want to start with Captain America, because he's the first Avenger.
Right.
Then you want to watch Iron Man because he's like the tech whizz.
And then you've got the Avengers with, like, Hawkeye, Black Widow.
Is Hawkeye not the shittest? Because everyone else can fly and he's, "I'm good with a bow and arrow".
Hawkeye is what I also call my vagina.
Does it wear a patch? Once a month, yeah! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The trailer for the new Avengers movie suggests the film is going to be pretty dark - take a look at these dramatic scenes.
We will.
Whatever it takes.
Whatever it takes.
Whatever it takes.
Whatever it takes.
APPLAUSE I want to know, how did she manage to shoot the bullets in time with the music? She went, like - douff, douff, douff, douff, douff, It's hard to keep up with it all, though, isn't it? All I know about it is, this Thanos geezer, he wants Infinity stones.
Infinity stones sounds like an advert for a 13-year-old girl's Christmas toy.
# Infinity stones! # Customise and share it # Personalise and wear it Infinity stones! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Infinity stones! That's all I want to hear for the rest of the show.
I know a Thanos, he's a geezer who does my dry cleaning.
All I know about him is he will wash and iron a shirt for a quid.
But I do actually call him Iron Man as a bit of our banter.
Have you watched these movies, Aisling? I haven't watched them at all.
I'm more excited about Frozen 2 coming out, or as I call it, Refreeze.
Are you going to see that? Yeah, I see all the kids' films.
They are the ones that I can digest without getting anxiety, do you know what I mean? Do you think it's weird, speaking of Frozen 2, if you, for example, are a woman who kind of forgot to have children - whoops! Is it weird for me to watch it on my own in the afternoon in the cinema? No.
Do you judge someone on their own in a cinema, if you've got kids? If you have forgotten to have any, I've remembered to have loads, so you can have some of mine.
Handy, because I do not want to ruin this tight little situation I'm developing here.
Mine's fucked! Ed, a fan of the Avengers? Love the Avengers.
My slight problem with it is it's three hours long AISLING GASPS .
.
so it's difficult when to take to go for a piss.
But I come up with a good idea.
You might like this, Rob.
Write into the script the characters going for a piss in the film.
So, when, like, Tony Stark says, "I need to go for a slash", that's when you know it's all right to go.
If you don't need one, then you'll be able to see Robert Downey Jr's cock.
I've got a question - you might know this.
How comes, no matter how big the Incredible Hulk gets, his trousers still fit? Because it's a 12 rated film.
Oh, so you don't want a big green dick? No.
Don't want that.
Yeah, imagine that! Like, he's swinging round, the dick's coming with him.
Knocking out the little ones, then batting the big ones.
What an end to a film that is! He punches Thanos and then his dick wallops the rings, the Infinity things.
# Infinity stones! # Customise and share them Personalise and share them Infinity stones! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes! Yes, it's the release of the new Avengers movie.
We are a bit like the Avengers on this show.
I'm obviously a bit like Iron Man.
Aisling, she's be Black Widow, and Rob is the nerdy loser with big teeth that goes to see all the films on his own.
It's a bit weird that you asked him about being a virgin and you've not stopped touching him since.
I love to fuck.
OK, Aisling's team.
What have the nation been talking about this week? Oh, it must be Extinction Rebellion, all of the stuff going on with climate change.
I know you're not worried about it, Jimmy, you'll never biodegrade But, finally, like, waking up to what's going on in the environment and it's gone on for quite a while, in terms of being a protest.
It started off with people, like, "Oh, what is this?" Then people were annoyed, like, "You're getting in the way, I'm trying to get to work".
Then, "Oh, maybe they have a point, "the 16-year-old girl, what she's saying".
And now people are so into it.
It's very much the same emotional journey I go on when I eat monkey nuts at Halloween.
It's just, "Now I can't have enough of it!" I'm so obsessed by it.
Why did you have monkey nuts on Halloween? Everyone has monkey nuts on Halloween Pumpkins and sweets, sure.
Monkey nuts, never heard of that.
This feels like some weird Irish thing that you didn't realise I've only just discovered that because of the silence of the audience when I said "monkey nuts at Halloween".
What do you mean by 'monkey nuts'? Those little ones that look like you feed them to elephants.
Look, I know climate change is pressing, but now it feels like there is a bigger issue here at play.
Monkey nuts, you have to do your talent, then you get monkey nuts.
OK, OK, maybe not everyone does.
Your Irish please need genuine support.
I sympathise with you because I found out my dad does stuff that I didn't realise other people dads don't do.
You know like when you see a penny, pick it up? Yeah.
All day long you'll have good luck, right? My dad gobs on it.
What? You see a penny, pick it up all day long He spits and puts it in his pocket.
My nan does that, but just with everything.
LAUGHTER No, she does.
She's like I imagine Granddad's thrilled! If she's worried about something, she will say, "Oh, God forbidspit, spit, spit, spit.
It's like a superstitious thing.
No? Yeah, I can sort of see that.
So, back to Extinction Rebellion.
People were so negative about it, in the way it was phrased, like, you know, they're stopping traffic.
But I stop traffic all the time because I'm so fit.
Jimmy! What's that face for?! And they were gluing themselves to everything and a few of them glued themselves to Jeremy Corbyn's fence which is difficult because he's been sitting on it since Brexit! Yay! I thank you.
I thank you.
Yes! They didn't chain themselves to things, glued themselves to things.
Here's some protesters underneath a truck.
We're going to speak to a couple of protesters underneath this truck here.
You're glued to the truck.
I am chained.
You're chained.
Grace is glued.
Grace is glued.
You have been here for two days.
How much longer are you prepared to stay here? Let's put it into perspective, OK? I've got to the airport with my son and we are about to go on a journey somewhere.
All of a sudden, there's an announcement that tells us the plane only has a 10% chance of landing.
Would you put your son on that plane? What? Wow Wow.
What? No, sorry, I asked how long are you going to be there.
I'd rather stick him on a plane than underneath a fucking lorry! It's very odd to hear a woman who's glued herself to a lorry saying "Let's get some perspective".
Liam, are you worried about climate change? Not really.
No, OK.
To be fair, I was in a car last week, yeah.
You're rolling yeah.
Rolling.
Yeah, sure.
So I wind down my window and one of the protesters looked at me and was like this And then she mimed, "You know what time it is".
I swear.
Like, I was just like, "Whoa" What time was it? Probably about four or five, maybe.
Everyone's said it's great that teenagers are going to these protests and are becoming a lot more engaged in the environment, but they're teenagers.
They're only going to see if they can get off with someone.
When I was 16, I would have gone to a BNP rally to see a bit of side-boob.
Stacey, are you doing your bit for climate change? Yeah, we recycle.
And we try and wear the same clothes all the time.
You've got kids.
Are you worried about the next generation? Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
I mean, what kind of question is that, Jimmy? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Not a bad answer! I rather like that! OK, let's see if it's up there.
Yes, it's Extinction Rebellion.
You might be thinking, "How long can these protesters stay camped out in central London? "Haven't they got jobs and homes to go to?" No.
No, they have not.
That's it for Part One.
See you after the break! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER Rob's team.
Is it the marathon? The thing with the marathon is, right, it's annoying when someone runs it, cos you have to donate.
If someone goes, "I'm running the marathon, "here's my JustGiving page," you've got to get in early, right, with, like, a fiver or a tenner Oh, interesting.
.
.
cos some absolute big dick-swinging idiot bangs up, doesn't go anonymous, bangs up 150 quid.
"There you go, mate, such a great cause.
" Fuck off! My five quid looks shit now! So you've got to get in early.
No matter - and I mean this from the bottom of my heart - Jimmy, I will not fucking sponsor you to run for donkeys, or whatever you're doing.
I run it a couple of years ago for a type 1 diabetes charity, but I am type 1 diabetic, so I will see the money eventually.
It's sponsored by Virgin Money, so, Liam, that's you, isn't it? Tell 'em.
You've fucked, ain't you? I fuck.
You've had sex, haven't you, Liam? Yeah, I'm not a virgin.
Three times.
Twice.
Wahey! I want that to be the name of your next baking book - I Fuck.
It always makes me laugh.
When I watch it, sometimes you see everyone dressed up.
I just imagine that people have been out on an all-nighter on a fancy dress party and stumble out and then they're in it.
And they're not actually doing that for charity, they've got caught up in it and run the race.
Having run one, that can be quite demeaning.
I was overtaken by a man dressed as a padlock.
Sort of a low point.
And then immediately after that, I had a bottle of water and a bottle of Lucozade Sport, and I needed to cool down, and I got the wrong bottle and sprayed Lucozade Sport in my face.
Had a really sticky face.
And I was chased by one bee for six miles.
I love the irony of, like, running for diabetes and running it mostly covered in sugar on your face.
Oh, I shit myself, as well.
But No, I shit myself in the training.
On the train in? Not, not on the train in! That's why I got such a good time.
I was, "I've got to get round and change!" What was your time? How quick did you do it? 3:39.
Whoa! Wow! APPLAUSE I think it proves beyond reasonable doubt you cannot give your time in a marathon and not sound a bit smug.
Yeah.
I did a triathlon once.
Did you? Yeah! What are the three? That's going to go down well in Ireland.
The three tries? Cycle, swim and then run.
All at once? No, cos that'd be impossible.
You can't run in the water.
That's not what Jesus said.
When does the swimming come in that? It feels like, if that comes last, that's a I started with the swim, and it was terrible.
I was, like, wading out rubbish.
You want to know about climate change, go and swim in the Thames.
You swam in the Thames? Is that how you got pregnant? Yes! I've heard that can happen.
I saved a man from the Thames once.
No big deal.
Wow! What?! Yeah.
I jumped in to save him because he was drowning.
Did you? Fuck him after? Yes.
What a lovely story.
Heart-warming.
What's weird is when people run for charities like climate change, and then they're running along, "Yeah, save the planet, sponsor me," and then they get a bottle of drink, a big plastic drink, and just go, "Fuck off!" Sometimes they're just lobbing plastic everywhere, and you can't have a normal straw?! Have you ever tried to have a McDonald's milkshake with a cardboard straw? It's a joke.
They've just changed? McDonald's have gone to full paper straws? Yeah, but it's impossible, you can't do it.
It doesn't work.
Look, let's just have plastic for milkshakes.
Let's have some humanity here.
Even the turtles would go, "Give 'em plastic "for a milkshake.
Fuck's sake!" You can have your own metal one.
I've got my own metal straw.
I can't walk round south-east London with me own metal weapon.
You can! You'd get Tasered on the way for a milkshake! Also, Rob, if you had a metal straw, you'd look like the fanciest cokehead.
Yeah! APPLAUSE Well, I can tell you the London Marathon is not one of the most talked-about things this week.
I love the Marathon.
It's the only time of year where you can watch a thousand white people chasing some black guys and not worry about it being a hate crime.
APPLAUSE OK, shall we have a bit of a marathon challenge? Rob, Aisling, what I've got for you here, I've got pedometers.
Oh, God.
And a number.
OK, numbers on, and then pedometer on .
.
I think probably forehead.
Then what we're going to do is give you 90 seconds to do as many steps as possible.
Whoever wins gets a bonus point.
Come on, Rob.
Oh, God! OK, so your time starts.
.
Can I just say I've no sports bra on so this could govery right.
As many steps as possible by any means necessary.
Good luck.
The marathon challenge.
Hang on, Irish dance! ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMEN Irish-dancing the marathon.
There's going to be some chafing.
Rob, don't hold your tits.
You'll be fine.
Energy, energy, energy.
I don't want to mess up your make-up.
I feel a bit weird doing this, if I'm honest! Ten seconds to go.
APPLAUSE BUZZER Time's up! Time's up.
OK, take a seat.
OK, so, I've got Aisling? Thank you very much.
No problem at all.
Rob? Cheers, mate.
OK.
I need warming up.
I needed my highlights done, anyway.
This is actually what they use for my teeth when they do a filling.
APPLAUSE OK, how many steps did Aisling get? 136.
How many did you get? 156.
No! 156! Rob has the win.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Although, if we're giving points for style, I think the Irish-dancing your way round a marathon was pretty good.
I'm not blaming my boobs.
But I would like a rematch where you held two I'd say small melons Yeah.
.
.
and see how we went again.
I'll swap you two melons for a chipolata and a couple of hazelnuts.
I feel like I'm at a very strange auction here, and I'm not comfortable.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
What else have the nation been talking about this week? BUZZER Were they talking about the state visit for Donald Trump? Oh, yes.
Getting the full bells and whistles, the whole thing.
No, but he's not, is he? No? Cos she's got the painters in.
What?! APPLAUSE This is This is the Queen you're talking about.
The Queen.
I'm not a doctor, but I think she's a bit old for that.
She's having the work done, in't she, to her house? What's she having done to her house? I dunno, I reckon painting, scaffolding, just doing up the West Wing, I think it's called.
So she's said he can't come.
He has to stay somewhere else.
And she's asked your advice on this? Or how do you know? No! Presumably you're wearing the overalls you're doing the painting in.
No, I'm not painting her house.
Thank you for clarifying.
Liam, Donald Trump, do you think he should be allowed to visit? Nope.
OK.
Done.
CHEERING I love it when the Queen gives Trump shades.
Do you remember last time, with her outfits? There was one day where she wore that badge that Obama had given her.
I'd love if this time she just, like, throws off her cloak when she arrives and she has a T-shirt saying, "The pussies grab back.
" Last time, Trump was kind of He broke protocol and he sort of walked in front of her, quite sort of rudely.
Have a look at this clip.
You'll see she tries to get round him.
He just stands in the way.
There we go.
"Yeah, look at these guards.
"We're going to walk down here.
What? Get fucking back here! "You don't walk in front of the Queen!" Do you know what I think the Queen's going to do? She's going to send Prince Philip to pick him up from the airport.
They're taking him to Portsmouth, though, aren't they? They're going to Portsmouth.
It's like offering someone a tour of your house and starting inside the bin.
Hi, people in Portsmouth! Actually, I've got two kids, and that blimp of him as, like, a big baby, it put me off, like, going for a third kid.
If I had a boy If I had a little boy, it'd be that.
APPLAUSE Trump thinks we've got a very special relationship, and people always talk about the special relationship between Britain and America.
Here's Trump talking about it, making it sound like something terrible happened between him and Theresa May.
I would give our relationship with the UK, and now, especially after this two days, with, er, your prime minister, I would say the highest level of special.
Am I allowed to go higher than that? I'm not sure.
But it's the highest level of special.
They're very special people, it's a very special country, and as I said, I have a relationship, because my mother was born in Scotland.
Do you know what upsets me most about that clip? I'm wearing the same outfit as Theresa May.
Oh, my God! Yeah! APPLAUSE The tragedy of it is that we've invited over, like, a celebrity turned president of America, Donald Trump, and he's coming over, he's a laughing stock worldwide, and he's going to address Parliament, and the worst part is he won't be the worst politician in that room.
APPLAUSE Let's have a look, then, and see if Trump is up there.
APPLAUSE At the end of that round, Aisling, Lou and Stacey have no points, Rob, Ed and Liam have four points! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is the Pick of the Polls.
Rob, Ed, Liam, what do you like the look of? That's me! Oh, it's Liam.
We're going to go for Liam.
OK.
So most people think being good at baking Baking is sexy - especially if you bake with, like, dark chocolate.
LAUGHTER What's the sexiest thing to bake, then? If you were, you know, trying to If I was sliding into someone's DMs? If you were sliding into someone's DMs.
"I'm going to bake you a cake," what cake do you bake? I will go chocolate caramel.
Stop it.
Yeah, Yeah.
And then probably like candied hazelnuts on top.
Mm.
Ahh.
Yeah.
Four layers.
Yep, yep.
That's just dessert, though.
There's dessert-dessert after.
But I can't talk about that.
You have two desserts? Hm? I think he's talking about shagging.
Oh.
I was genuinely more turned on about the fact there'd be two cakes to eat.
I was so excited.
Would you say something sexy while you were baking? Would you be like, "Hey, does this make your lemon drizzle?" Odd story.
The first time - what I thought was the first time - I met Liam from Bake Off, but it was not the first time I met Liam from Bake Off.
So I am at Extra Slice.
Liam comes up to me, and this is just after the #MeToo campaign started.
Where is the story going? Exactly! Liam comes up to me and goes, "You showed me your bra once when I was a kid.
" Yeah.
And everyone around me is like, "Ohhh.
" I'm like, "No, no, no, I don't "What? Did I? W-What did I do?" And then you were like, "Yeah, yeah, you lifted up your top "and showed me your boobs.
" Yeah.
And still, nothing is coming back, which is not always a good sign.
And then he goes, "Yeah, we were in a TV show together "and I played someone.
" You should have opened with that.
It was my pal that asked to see your tits for a fiver.
Yes, in the show, Liam! In the show! APPLAUSE In the show! If baking made people sexy, it can't, because I don't go into Greggs and think "I really want to bang the staff.
" Ed, do you do any baking? No, cos as we have established I'm type 1 diabetic, so If you discover me in a flat baking, it means that I've hit rock-bottom.
Do you want to see some sexy baking? ALL: Please.
I mean, no, no, this is like properly sexy.
Take a look.
FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS LAUGHTER APPLAUSE That was Sandi Toksvig's audition tape.
Aisling, do you bake? Well, I did the Bake Off.
How did you do? Yeah.
Go on, did you win? Erm, well, I came joint third out of four, so, yeah.
I did.
It's a lot more stressful when you're actually in there.
Have you done it? Yeah, I did it and it was really stressful.
But I had a great time.
I made a unicorn cake.
I made a choux bun tower that looked like a unicorn because they asked us to make self portraits out of choux.
I understood about half of those words.
You know you're not a unicorn, though, right? No, I was doing an inner self portrait of if you cut me open, there'd be sort of unicorn horns and glitter as blood.
This is going to be an interesting birth, innit? Galloping out.
HE BRAYS How about you, Lou, do you beg? Erm, badly, yeah.
Really badly.
But I am sexy when I do it.
LAUGHTER Lou made me a pizza once.
Was it nice? No, it was absolutely awful.
It tasted of nothing and everything.
Sexy! So what do you think - true or false, people think baking's sexy? People think it's quite sexy, I think.
Don't you, Liam? You're the expert here.
Liam? Yeah, go for it - true.
What do you think, Aisling? I think we're going to say false.
OK.
Well, I can tell you the answer is true.
APPLAUSE Yeah, 67% of people think baking is sexy.
I agree.
My mum's amazing at making and she's hot.
Proper milf.
LAUGHTER What? It's all right, she's dead now.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING APPLAUSE I don't know what you're applauding there.
I don't know what you're applauding.
OK.
Right, time for a quick bonus round.
As Liam's here, we're going to have a cake decorating challenge.
Rob, Aisling, to the cake decorating station.
CHEERING Your task is simple.
Use the ingredients in front of you to create a cake that's a self-portrait.
Rob, you can definitely do a self-portrait.
The shape and colour's exactly the same already.
OK.
Here's what you're aiming for.
This is a self-portrait I iced earlier.
Is that not just one of your spare faces, Jimmy? And to make things more interesting, I will be electrocuting you as you ice the cake.
Oh, shit! OK, so Liam and I will be judging at the end of this, as fairly as we can.
You're up against the clock on this, so start decorating now.
I'm so anxious.
ROB BELLOWS Come on! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You piece of shit! Oh, my God! This is VERY therapeutic.
Oh, my bloodylads It's so horrible.
I'm two more away from emptying my bowels.
I thought I might help.
I'm going to Radcliffe down my leg in a minute.
Oh, Jesus shit! Jimmy now, you little whore.
Oh, my God.
This is the most Irish I have ever Oh! OK, ten seconds to go, ten seconds.
AISLING CRIES OU Can I take some of your bits? We need more marshmallows for Rob's teeth.
Mine is actually looking brilliAH! You little shit! KLAXON Oh, my God.
Let's take a look at your cakes.
That was SO therapeutic.
Mm.
Are you all right? I don't know.
I think I've, like, found Jesus.
I would say, Aisling, that was maybe the best swearing I've ever heard.
So, Rob, take us through your cake.
Just turn it round there.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, perfect.
And let's take a look at Aisling's.
This is LAUGHTER Aisling, can I ask, were you in the Mighty Boosh at some stage? Rob, would you hold that up against Aisling's face so we can see them? It's pretty much identical.
CHEERING Thank you.
OK, so, Liam, whose is the best? Liam? Yeah? SHE WHISTLES OK, so whose cake is the best? Aisling.
Yes! Yes! CHEERING Rob, they don't let you have any points.
How has that lost? LAUGHTER It's lost now! Aw, your little face.
Oh, it's all right, it stayed intact.
Oh, buddy.
So at the end of that round, it's five points for Rob's team and one point for Aisling's team.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
BUZZER Rob.
Well, I read a book in front of her once.
And that caterpillar was very hungry, wasn't he? Yeah! What do you think? Winking at your mother-in-law.
AUDIENCE MURMURING Throws everyone off.
He's got a very good wink.
It's only a South London thing.
Yeah, I think generations ago, people have done deals with that wink.
It's been passed down from Oh, no, that's not just a South London thing.
That's a very Irish thing as well.
Because condoms in Ireland were illegal until, like, a ridiculous time, so when you went into the chemist, you had to ask for someparacetamol.
Oh.
Oh, I thought you meant you just got the end of your knob to wink and no come came out.
I'm sorry! Liam, are you in a relationship? Er, no.
Oh.
No, but Sounds like there might be a bit of something going on, though.
There is.
Aw! I am seeing someone.
Is it Mary? You're seeing someone, but you're not in a relationship.
Yeah.
It would be a great way to surprise them by announcing it on television.
LAUGHTER What camera? Camera one? Would you be my girlfriend? ALL: Aw! Like, if that goes out, you're in a relationship now.
Pretty much.
What's her name? Full name? Mary Berry? Oh! I don't know if I can do that one.
Where does she live? She doesn't actually live in this country.
She lives in the US.
Oh, she's made up! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh! Yeah, I had one of those.
Yeah.
Whereabouts do you imagine she lives? LA.
LA? Yeah, nice! That's the best place for an imaginary girlfriend.
It's not imaginary! How did you meet? Yeah, so, she came over to England.
Like, we just met, like You know, like tradition, we saw each other and just hit it off then.
Aw.
That sounds like a very non-descript story.
There was almost There was almost no details in that.
"We sort of met in the traditional way.
" Aisling, have you surprised a lover? I mean, one time in my 20s, I was going out with someone.
I'd been going out with someone for a few years and it was Valentine's Day and I thought it would be funny to kind of, like, do some hair removal.
His name began with an S and as I got out of the shower, I was looking in the mirror going, "Aisling, you absolute legend.
" And then I was like, "Oh Why can I see S in the mirror?" LAUGHTER Oh! I'd done it the wrong way round.
It was a surprise, though.
It was S were surprised, yeah.
S for Super-Vag.
Thank you, yeah.
The big mistake is, of course, that men find pubic hair disgusting, so shouldn't have had any in the first place.
I'm joking! It's actually back in fashion.
Is it? The bush is back.
Yeah, I'll show you.
So, best way to surprise your other half.
BUZZER Say yes to sex.
Yes.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK.
Ed, have you surprised the other half with anything? Er, yeah.
I proposed.
Aw! Which is Which is a good way to do a surprise.
Congratulations.
Thank you very much.
But the real surprise is the next morning, I pretended that it hadn't happened.
LAUGHTER Just denied all knowledge of it for about an hour.
She thought she was going mad, it was brilliant.
Little bit of gaslighting - always fun.
Where was the proposal? Was at a restaurant? Was it? Er, Japan.
Japan is good.
That's classy.
Well, it depends where in Japan, doesn't it? Yeah, it was at the Hiroshima memorial.
It was in a park.
Oh, well, you could have gone to a park here.
There's loads.
It's a long way to go for a park.
It is, innit? Something I do, but I save it for Christmas - as a little surprise, I paint my helmet red and scream, "Here comes Rudolph.
" Bit weird, but You should try doing that with your partner.
Yeah, it's lost on the kids at the grotto.
Stacey, what do you do to surprise Joe? Nothing, really.
No, I'm a terrible person.
I'm a terrible girlfriend.
When's the last time he was surprised? When I said, "I'm pregnant," because he was like, "When did we have sex?" LAUGHTER So, you surprised him with that.
How shocked was he? Like, really, really shocked, because I think SHE GIGGLES You can't get pregnant the way you normally do it? No, I think he thought I think he thought he was safe because he's getting a bit older and I think he thought, "Oh, yeah, I'll be all right.
They'll be a bit slower now.
" How old is he? 37.
So he's 37, so he was just becoming dust by now? And, you know, we don't see each other a lot, so .
.
I think he thought he got away with it, the all clear.
Lo and behold, I was plotting.
I only need one day, Jimmy.
Just one day.
That small window.
He does it through a window, does he? Surprising.
OK, best way to surprise your other half.
Let's get some answers.
What do you think? Trip away, a little holiday.
Literally it.
Book a weekend away is the exact right answer.
APPLAUSE Yes, the best way to surprise your partner is to book a weekend away.
I booked a weekend away and my girlfriend was very surprised because she thought she was coming too.
OK, final question BUZZER Is it when you say, "Make yourself at home and help yourself to anything you want," and then they do? My dad stays and he's I don't what happens, what age you get to as a dad and your boxer shorts have got no structural integrity.
And it's just, like, a flappy little walnut with a sheet that's on a washing line on a windy spring day.
Tell your dad to come and stay at mine.
What do you think, Aisling? Is it when they're worried that you're filming them? That actually happens.
You know that happened in an Airbnb that a whole family was getting filmed by the host? When I travel, I Airbnb a lot and it's always been my paranoia that the hosts are filming me.
Like, I always feel like Sometimes I'm a bit weirded out.
Like, on one hand, I'm like, "Oh, my God, that's so creepy.
" And on the other hand, sometimes I'm like, "Well, may as well put on a show.
" ROB: Is it holding in a fart? Yeah.
Sorry, do you need me to pull your finger? I I vouch for that.
Especially Do you know what a Dutch oven is? Yes.
I feel like I really don't want that to be a recipe in your new book, Liam.
I like a good fart, especially, like, the loud ones that have loads of depth of, like, smell and that.
So I can't It's honestly like you're describing a loaf right now.
This is the idea.
OK, please go on.
Yeah, so I normally like top and tail with my pals or whatever if they stay at mine, so I can't really fart that much if they stay in my bed.
When your friends stay over, you top and tail? Yeah.
That's called a 69, Liam.
Because my bed is pretty big, innit, so I'm not like, "Oh, you can stay on my sofa," because my sofa's a bit tired now.
Have you not got a floor? Yeah, but who wants to sleep on the floor? I'd rather that than your stinky arse in my face.
How does your sofa get tired? I mean, what does it do all day? LAUGHTER Holding it in does hurt as well.
Holding it I went on a flight once with somebody that I didn't know very well and I held it in the whole flight.
I got there and I thought I was dying.
I genuinely was doubled over in pain from the wind that I'd accumulated whilst in the air.
Are you sure you're pregnant? When you first start seeing someone and you're staying over, you don't really want to fart in bed with them.
Like, you have to hold it in.
I remember I tried to hold it in for hours and hours and it was like, well, I'm going to have to go to the toilet.
It was a flat share, but she had an en-suite room and I was like, "How am I going to do this?" So what I did was, and I still use this to this day, if you just pull your arse cheeks open, it just sort of whistles out of you.
It feels like you're deflating, like "Sssssssss" It went on for ages.
I nearly woke her up and go, "You're going to have to listen this!" OK.
Let's get some answers on this.
Is it when they leave reviews? Is it when they won't sleep with you? Yeah! Is it having to make conversations with people when you think, "Actually, I don't know what to say to you, "even though you're my brother.
" I think .
.
you might not have planned for this and the longer it goes on, the angrier you will get.
Oh They stay longer than they should.
Getting them to leave.
Yes.
That's exactly it.
APPLAUSE KLAXON Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show which means the final scores are Aisling, Lou and Stacey have two points, but the winners, Rob, Ed and Liam have six points.
APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.
It's Ed Gamble! And Rob Beckett, their team captain! And facing them tonight, made in Dagenham, it's Stacey Solomon! Show me the funny! It's Lou Sanders! And Aisling Bea, their team captain! Now, welcome your host, Jimmmmmmmmy Carr! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats - a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, the Queen has spent 72% of her life on the throne.
I'm guessing, that will be IBS.
LAUGHTER 57% of Brits think children should be taught about orgasms at school.
They did it at my school, but weirdly, during PE.
LAUGHTER And one in five women talk to their mum at least once a day.
And not just women, I talk to your mum at least three times a day.
LAUGHTER Although £3 a minute is expensive.
Right, let's get started! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? - that's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Rob's team, what do you think the nation's been talking about this week? Well, the big release of the Avengers film.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You're excited about this, Liam? I'm buzzing for Avengers.
You know how there has been 22 films? Yeah.
I've been watching one every week leading up to the Endgame.
What is your endgame, losing your virginity? LAUGHTER Liam, tell me about watching the 22 Avengers movies in a row, because I've missed a couple of the key ones.
You want to start with Captain America, because he's the first Avenger.
Right.
Then you want to watch Iron Man because he's like the tech whizz.
And then you've got the Avengers with, like, Hawkeye, Black Widow.
Is Hawkeye not the shittest? Because everyone else can fly and he's, "I'm good with a bow and arrow".
Hawkeye is what I also call my vagina.
Does it wear a patch? Once a month, yeah! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The trailer for the new Avengers movie suggests the film is going to be pretty dark - take a look at these dramatic scenes.
We will.
Whatever it takes.
Whatever it takes.
Whatever it takes.
Whatever it takes.
APPLAUSE I want to know, how did she manage to shoot the bullets in time with the music? She went, like - douff, douff, douff, douff, douff, It's hard to keep up with it all, though, isn't it? All I know about it is, this Thanos geezer, he wants Infinity stones.
Infinity stones sounds like an advert for a 13-year-old girl's Christmas toy.
# Infinity stones! # Customise and share it # Personalise and wear it Infinity stones! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Infinity stones! That's all I want to hear for the rest of the show.
I know a Thanos, he's a geezer who does my dry cleaning.
All I know about him is he will wash and iron a shirt for a quid.
But I do actually call him Iron Man as a bit of our banter.
Have you watched these movies, Aisling? I haven't watched them at all.
I'm more excited about Frozen 2 coming out, or as I call it, Refreeze.
Are you going to see that? Yeah, I see all the kids' films.
They are the ones that I can digest without getting anxiety, do you know what I mean? Do you think it's weird, speaking of Frozen 2, if you, for example, are a woman who kind of forgot to have children - whoops! Is it weird for me to watch it on my own in the afternoon in the cinema? No.
Do you judge someone on their own in a cinema, if you've got kids? If you have forgotten to have any, I've remembered to have loads, so you can have some of mine.
Handy, because I do not want to ruin this tight little situation I'm developing here.
Mine's fucked! Ed, a fan of the Avengers? Love the Avengers.
My slight problem with it is it's three hours long AISLING GASPS .
.
so it's difficult when to take to go for a piss.
But I come up with a good idea.
You might like this, Rob.
Write into the script the characters going for a piss in the film.
So, when, like, Tony Stark says, "I need to go for a slash", that's when you know it's all right to go.
If you don't need one, then you'll be able to see Robert Downey Jr's cock.
I've got a question - you might know this.
How comes, no matter how big the Incredible Hulk gets, his trousers still fit? Because it's a 12 rated film.
Oh, so you don't want a big green dick? No.
Don't want that.
Yeah, imagine that! Like, he's swinging round, the dick's coming with him.
Knocking out the little ones, then batting the big ones.
What an end to a film that is! He punches Thanos and then his dick wallops the rings, the Infinity things.
# Infinity stones! # Customise and share them Personalise and share them Infinity stones! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes! Yes, it's the release of the new Avengers movie.
We are a bit like the Avengers on this show.
I'm obviously a bit like Iron Man.
Aisling, she's be Black Widow, and Rob is the nerdy loser with big teeth that goes to see all the films on his own.
It's a bit weird that you asked him about being a virgin and you've not stopped touching him since.
I love to fuck.
OK, Aisling's team.
What have the nation been talking about this week? Oh, it must be Extinction Rebellion, all of the stuff going on with climate change.
I know you're not worried about it, Jimmy, you'll never biodegrade But, finally, like, waking up to what's going on in the environment and it's gone on for quite a while, in terms of being a protest.
It started off with people, like, "Oh, what is this?" Then people were annoyed, like, "You're getting in the way, I'm trying to get to work".
Then, "Oh, maybe they have a point, "the 16-year-old girl, what she's saying".
And now people are so into it.
It's very much the same emotional journey I go on when I eat monkey nuts at Halloween.
It's just, "Now I can't have enough of it!" I'm so obsessed by it.
Why did you have monkey nuts on Halloween? Everyone has monkey nuts on Halloween Pumpkins and sweets, sure.
Monkey nuts, never heard of that.
This feels like some weird Irish thing that you didn't realise I've only just discovered that because of the silence of the audience when I said "monkey nuts at Halloween".
What do you mean by 'monkey nuts'? Those little ones that look like you feed them to elephants.
Look, I know climate change is pressing, but now it feels like there is a bigger issue here at play.
Monkey nuts, you have to do your talent, then you get monkey nuts.
OK, OK, maybe not everyone does.
Your Irish please need genuine support.
I sympathise with you because I found out my dad does stuff that I didn't realise other people dads don't do.
You know like when you see a penny, pick it up? Yeah.
All day long you'll have good luck, right? My dad gobs on it.
What? You see a penny, pick it up all day long He spits and puts it in his pocket.
My nan does that, but just with everything.
LAUGHTER No, she does.
She's like I imagine Granddad's thrilled! If she's worried about something, she will say, "Oh, God forbidspit, spit, spit, spit.
It's like a superstitious thing.
No? Yeah, I can sort of see that.
So, back to Extinction Rebellion.
People were so negative about it, in the way it was phrased, like, you know, they're stopping traffic.
But I stop traffic all the time because I'm so fit.
Jimmy! What's that face for?! And they were gluing themselves to everything and a few of them glued themselves to Jeremy Corbyn's fence which is difficult because he's been sitting on it since Brexit! Yay! I thank you.
I thank you.
Yes! They didn't chain themselves to things, glued themselves to things.
Here's some protesters underneath a truck.
We're going to speak to a couple of protesters underneath this truck here.
You're glued to the truck.
I am chained.
You're chained.
Grace is glued.
Grace is glued.
You have been here for two days.
How much longer are you prepared to stay here? Let's put it into perspective, OK? I've got to the airport with my son and we are about to go on a journey somewhere.
All of a sudden, there's an announcement that tells us the plane only has a 10% chance of landing.
Would you put your son on that plane? What? Wow Wow.
What? No, sorry, I asked how long are you going to be there.
I'd rather stick him on a plane than underneath a fucking lorry! It's very odd to hear a woman who's glued herself to a lorry saying "Let's get some perspective".
Liam, are you worried about climate change? Not really.
No, OK.
To be fair, I was in a car last week, yeah.
You're rolling yeah.
Rolling.
Yeah, sure.
So I wind down my window and one of the protesters looked at me and was like this And then she mimed, "You know what time it is".
I swear.
Like, I was just like, "Whoa" What time was it? Probably about four or five, maybe.
Everyone's said it's great that teenagers are going to these protests and are becoming a lot more engaged in the environment, but they're teenagers.
They're only going to see if they can get off with someone.
When I was 16, I would have gone to a BNP rally to see a bit of side-boob.
Stacey, are you doing your bit for climate change? Yeah, we recycle.
And we try and wear the same clothes all the time.
You've got kids.
Are you worried about the next generation? Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
I mean, what kind of question is that, Jimmy? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Not a bad answer! I rather like that! OK, let's see if it's up there.
Yes, it's Extinction Rebellion.
You might be thinking, "How long can these protesters stay camped out in central London? "Haven't they got jobs and homes to go to?" No.
No, they have not.
That's it for Part One.
See you after the break! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER Rob's team.
Is it the marathon? The thing with the marathon is, right, it's annoying when someone runs it, cos you have to donate.
If someone goes, "I'm running the marathon, "here's my JustGiving page," you've got to get in early, right, with, like, a fiver or a tenner Oh, interesting.
.
.
cos some absolute big dick-swinging idiot bangs up, doesn't go anonymous, bangs up 150 quid.
"There you go, mate, such a great cause.
" Fuck off! My five quid looks shit now! So you've got to get in early.
No matter - and I mean this from the bottom of my heart - Jimmy, I will not fucking sponsor you to run for donkeys, or whatever you're doing.
I run it a couple of years ago for a type 1 diabetes charity, but I am type 1 diabetic, so I will see the money eventually.
It's sponsored by Virgin Money, so, Liam, that's you, isn't it? Tell 'em.
You've fucked, ain't you? I fuck.
You've had sex, haven't you, Liam? Yeah, I'm not a virgin.
Three times.
Twice.
Wahey! I want that to be the name of your next baking book - I Fuck.
It always makes me laugh.
When I watch it, sometimes you see everyone dressed up.
I just imagine that people have been out on an all-nighter on a fancy dress party and stumble out and then they're in it.
And they're not actually doing that for charity, they've got caught up in it and run the race.
Having run one, that can be quite demeaning.
I was overtaken by a man dressed as a padlock.
Sort of a low point.
And then immediately after that, I had a bottle of water and a bottle of Lucozade Sport, and I needed to cool down, and I got the wrong bottle and sprayed Lucozade Sport in my face.
Had a really sticky face.
And I was chased by one bee for six miles.
I love the irony of, like, running for diabetes and running it mostly covered in sugar on your face.
Oh, I shit myself, as well.
But No, I shit myself in the training.
On the train in? Not, not on the train in! That's why I got such a good time.
I was, "I've got to get round and change!" What was your time? How quick did you do it? 3:39.
Whoa! Wow! APPLAUSE I think it proves beyond reasonable doubt you cannot give your time in a marathon and not sound a bit smug.
Yeah.
I did a triathlon once.
Did you? Yeah! What are the three? That's going to go down well in Ireland.
The three tries? Cycle, swim and then run.
All at once? No, cos that'd be impossible.
You can't run in the water.
That's not what Jesus said.
When does the swimming come in that? It feels like, if that comes last, that's a I started with the swim, and it was terrible.
I was, like, wading out rubbish.
You want to know about climate change, go and swim in the Thames.
You swam in the Thames? Is that how you got pregnant? Yes! I've heard that can happen.
I saved a man from the Thames once.
No big deal.
Wow! What?! Yeah.
I jumped in to save him because he was drowning.
Did you? Fuck him after? Yes.
What a lovely story.
Heart-warming.
What's weird is when people run for charities like climate change, and then they're running along, "Yeah, save the planet, sponsor me," and then they get a bottle of drink, a big plastic drink, and just go, "Fuck off!" Sometimes they're just lobbing plastic everywhere, and you can't have a normal straw?! Have you ever tried to have a McDonald's milkshake with a cardboard straw? It's a joke.
They've just changed? McDonald's have gone to full paper straws? Yeah, but it's impossible, you can't do it.
It doesn't work.
Look, let's just have plastic for milkshakes.
Let's have some humanity here.
Even the turtles would go, "Give 'em plastic "for a milkshake.
Fuck's sake!" You can have your own metal one.
I've got my own metal straw.
I can't walk round south-east London with me own metal weapon.
You can! You'd get Tasered on the way for a milkshake! Also, Rob, if you had a metal straw, you'd look like the fanciest cokehead.
Yeah! APPLAUSE Well, I can tell you the London Marathon is not one of the most talked-about things this week.
I love the Marathon.
It's the only time of year where you can watch a thousand white people chasing some black guys and not worry about it being a hate crime.
APPLAUSE OK, shall we have a bit of a marathon challenge? Rob, Aisling, what I've got for you here, I've got pedometers.
Oh, God.
And a number.
OK, numbers on, and then pedometer on .
.
I think probably forehead.
Then what we're going to do is give you 90 seconds to do as many steps as possible.
Whoever wins gets a bonus point.
Come on, Rob.
Oh, God! OK, so your time starts.
.
Can I just say I've no sports bra on so this could govery right.
As many steps as possible by any means necessary.
Good luck.
The marathon challenge.
Hang on, Irish dance! ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMEN Irish-dancing the marathon.
There's going to be some chafing.
Rob, don't hold your tits.
You'll be fine.
Energy, energy, energy.
I don't want to mess up your make-up.
I feel a bit weird doing this, if I'm honest! Ten seconds to go.
APPLAUSE BUZZER Time's up! Time's up.
OK, take a seat.
OK, so, I've got Aisling? Thank you very much.
No problem at all.
Rob? Cheers, mate.
OK.
I need warming up.
I needed my highlights done, anyway.
This is actually what they use for my teeth when they do a filling.
APPLAUSE OK, how many steps did Aisling get? 136.
How many did you get? 156.
No! 156! Rob has the win.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Although, if we're giving points for style, I think the Irish-dancing your way round a marathon was pretty good.
I'm not blaming my boobs.
But I would like a rematch where you held two I'd say small melons Yeah.
.
.
and see how we went again.
I'll swap you two melons for a chipolata and a couple of hazelnuts.
I feel like I'm at a very strange auction here, and I'm not comfortable.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
What else have the nation been talking about this week? BUZZER Were they talking about the state visit for Donald Trump? Oh, yes.
Getting the full bells and whistles, the whole thing.
No, but he's not, is he? No? Cos she's got the painters in.
What?! APPLAUSE This is This is the Queen you're talking about.
The Queen.
I'm not a doctor, but I think she's a bit old for that.
She's having the work done, in't she, to her house? What's she having done to her house? I dunno, I reckon painting, scaffolding, just doing up the West Wing, I think it's called.
So she's said he can't come.
He has to stay somewhere else.
And she's asked your advice on this? Or how do you know? No! Presumably you're wearing the overalls you're doing the painting in.
No, I'm not painting her house.
Thank you for clarifying.
Liam, Donald Trump, do you think he should be allowed to visit? Nope.
OK.
Done.
CHEERING I love it when the Queen gives Trump shades.
Do you remember last time, with her outfits? There was one day where she wore that badge that Obama had given her.
I'd love if this time she just, like, throws off her cloak when she arrives and she has a T-shirt saying, "The pussies grab back.
" Last time, Trump was kind of He broke protocol and he sort of walked in front of her, quite sort of rudely.
Have a look at this clip.
You'll see she tries to get round him.
He just stands in the way.
There we go.
"Yeah, look at these guards.
"We're going to walk down here.
What? Get fucking back here! "You don't walk in front of the Queen!" Do you know what I think the Queen's going to do? She's going to send Prince Philip to pick him up from the airport.
They're taking him to Portsmouth, though, aren't they? They're going to Portsmouth.
It's like offering someone a tour of your house and starting inside the bin.
Hi, people in Portsmouth! Actually, I've got two kids, and that blimp of him as, like, a big baby, it put me off, like, going for a third kid.
If I had a boy If I had a little boy, it'd be that.
APPLAUSE Trump thinks we've got a very special relationship, and people always talk about the special relationship between Britain and America.
Here's Trump talking about it, making it sound like something terrible happened between him and Theresa May.
I would give our relationship with the UK, and now, especially after this two days, with, er, your prime minister, I would say the highest level of special.
Am I allowed to go higher than that? I'm not sure.
But it's the highest level of special.
They're very special people, it's a very special country, and as I said, I have a relationship, because my mother was born in Scotland.
Do you know what upsets me most about that clip? I'm wearing the same outfit as Theresa May.
Oh, my God! Yeah! APPLAUSE The tragedy of it is that we've invited over, like, a celebrity turned president of America, Donald Trump, and he's coming over, he's a laughing stock worldwide, and he's going to address Parliament, and the worst part is he won't be the worst politician in that room.
APPLAUSE Let's have a look, then, and see if Trump is up there.
APPLAUSE At the end of that round, Aisling, Lou and Stacey have no points, Rob, Ed and Liam have four points! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is the Pick of the Polls.
Rob, Ed, Liam, what do you like the look of? That's me! Oh, it's Liam.
We're going to go for Liam.
OK.
So most people think being good at baking Baking is sexy - especially if you bake with, like, dark chocolate.
LAUGHTER What's the sexiest thing to bake, then? If you were, you know, trying to If I was sliding into someone's DMs? If you were sliding into someone's DMs.
"I'm going to bake you a cake," what cake do you bake? I will go chocolate caramel.
Stop it.
Yeah, Yeah.
And then probably like candied hazelnuts on top.
Mm.
Ahh.
Yeah.
Four layers.
Yep, yep.
That's just dessert, though.
There's dessert-dessert after.
But I can't talk about that.
You have two desserts? Hm? I think he's talking about shagging.
Oh.
I was genuinely more turned on about the fact there'd be two cakes to eat.
I was so excited.
Would you say something sexy while you were baking? Would you be like, "Hey, does this make your lemon drizzle?" Odd story.
The first time - what I thought was the first time - I met Liam from Bake Off, but it was not the first time I met Liam from Bake Off.
So I am at Extra Slice.
Liam comes up to me, and this is just after the #MeToo campaign started.
Where is the story going? Exactly! Liam comes up to me and goes, "You showed me your bra once when I was a kid.
" Yeah.
And everyone around me is like, "Ohhh.
" I'm like, "No, no, no, I don't "What? Did I? W-What did I do?" And then you were like, "Yeah, yeah, you lifted up your top "and showed me your boobs.
" Yeah.
And still, nothing is coming back, which is not always a good sign.
And then he goes, "Yeah, we were in a TV show together "and I played someone.
" You should have opened with that.
It was my pal that asked to see your tits for a fiver.
Yes, in the show, Liam! In the show! APPLAUSE In the show! If baking made people sexy, it can't, because I don't go into Greggs and think "I really want to bang the staff.
" Ed, do you do any baking? No, cos as we have established I'm type 1 diabetic, so If you discover me in a flat baking, it means that I've hit rock-bottom.
Do you want to see some sexy baking? ALL: Please.
I mean, no, no, this is like properly sexy.
Take a look.
FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS LAUGHTER APPLAUSE That was Sandi Toksvig's audition tape.
Aisling, do you bake? Well, I did the Bake Off.
How did you do? Yeah.
Go on, did you win? Erm, well, I came joint third out of four, so, yeah.
I did.
It's a lot more stressful when you're actually in there.
Have you done it? Yeah, I did it and it was really stressful.
But I had a great time.
I made a unicorn cake.
I made a choux bun tower that looked like a unicorn because they asked us to make self portraits out of choux.
I understood about half of those words.
You know you're not a unicorn, though, right? No, I was doing an inner self portrait of if you cut me open, there'd be sort of unicorn horns and glitter as blood.
This is going to be an interesting birth, innit? Galloping out.
HE BRAYS How about you, Lou, do you beg? Erm, badly, yeah.
Really badly.
But I am sexy when I do it.
LAUGHTER Lou made me a pizza once.
Was it nice? No, it was absolutely awful.
It tasted of nothing and everything.
Sexy! So what do you think - true or false, people think baking's sexy? People think it's quite sexy, I think.
Don't you, Liam? You're the expert here.
Liam? Yeah, go for it - true.
What do you think, Aisling? I think we're going to say false.
OK.
Well, I can tell you the answer is true.
APPLAUSE Yeah, 67% of people think baking is sexy.
I agree.
My mum's amazing at making and she's hot.
Proper milf.
LAUGHTER What? It's all right, she's dead now.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING APPLAUSE I don't know what you're applauding there.
I don't know what you're applauding.
OK.
Right, time for a quick bonus round.
As Liam's here, we're going to have a cake decorating challenge.
Rob, Aisling, to the cake decorating station.
CHEERING Your task is simple.
Use the ingredients in front of you to create a cake that's a self-portrait.
Rob, you can definitely do a self-portrait.
The shape and colour's exactly the same already.
OK.
Here's what you're aiming for.
This is a self-portrait I iced earlier.
Is that not just one of your spare faces, Jimmy? And to make things more interesting, I will be electrocuting you as you ice the cake.
Oh, shit! OK, so Liam and I will be judging at the end of this, as fairly as we can.
You're up against the clock on this, so start decorating now.
I'm so anxious.
ROB BELLOWS Come on! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You piece of shit! Oh, my God! This is VERY therapeutic.
Oh, my bloodylads It's so horrible.
I'm two more away from emptying my bowels.
I thought I might help.
I'm going to Radcliffe down my leg in a minute.
Oh, Jesus shit! Jimmy now, you little whore.
Oh, my God.
This is the most Irish I have ever Oh! OK, ten seconds to go, ten seconds.
AISLING CRIES OU Can I take some of your bits? We need more marshmallows for Rob's teeth.
Mine is actually looking brilliAH! You little shit! KLAXON Oh, my God.
Let's take a look at your cakes.
That was SO therapeutic.
Mm.
Are you all right? I don't know.
I think I've, like, found Jesus.
I would say, Aisling, that was maybe the best swearing I've ever heard.
So, Rob, take us through your cake.
Just turn it round there.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, perfect.
And let's take a look at Aisling's.
This is LAUGHTER Aisling, can I ask, were you in the Mighty Boosh at some stage? Rob, would you hold that up against Aisling's face so we can see them? It's pretty much identical.
CHEERING Thank you.
OK, so, Liam, whose is the best? Liam? Yeah? SHE WHISTLES OK, so whose cake is the best? Aisling.
Yes! Yes! CHEERING Rob, they don't let you have any points.
How has that lost? LAUGHTER It's lost now! Aw, your little face.
Oh, it's all right, it stayed intact.
Oh, buddy.
So at the end of that round, it's five points for Rob's team and one point for Aisling's team.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
BUZZER Rob.
Well, I read a book in front of her once.
And that caterpillar was very hungry, wasn't he? Yeah! What do you think? Winking at your mother-in-law.
AUDIENCE MURMURING Throws everyone off.
He's got a very good wink.
It's only a South London thing.
Yeah, I think generations ago, people have done deals with that wink.
It's been passed down from Oh, no, that's not just a South London thing.
That's a very Irish thing as well.
Because condoms in Ireland were illegal until, like, a ridiculous time, so when you went into the chemist, you had to ask for someparacetamol.
Oh.
Oh, I thought you meant you just got the end of your knob to wink and no come came out.
I'm sorry! Liam, are you in a relationship? Er, no.
Oh.
No, but Sounds like there might be a bit of something going on, though.
There is.
Aw! I am seeing someone.
Is it Mary? You're seeing someone, but you're not in a relationship.
Yeah.
It would be a great way to surprise them by announcing it on television.
LAUGHTER What camera? Camera one? Would you be my girlfriend? ALL: Aw! Like, if that goes out, you're in a relationship now.
Pretty much.
What's her name? Full name? Mary Berry? Oh! I don't know if I can do that one.
Where does she live? She doesn't actually live in this country.
She lives in the US.
Oh, she's made up! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh! Yeah, I had one of those.
Yeah.
Whereabouts do you imagine she lives? LA.
LA? Yeah, nice! That's the best place for an imaginary girlfriend.
It's not imaginary! How did you meet? Yeah, so, she came over to England.
Like, we just met, like You know, like tradition, we saw each other and just hit it off then.
Aw.
That sounds like a very non-descript story.
There was almost There was almost no details in that.
"We sort of met in the traditional way.
" Aisling, have you surprised a lover? I mean, one time in my 20s, I was going out with someone.
I'd been going out with someone for a few years and it was Valentine's Day and I thought it would be funny to kind of, like, do some hair removal.
His name began with an S and as I got out of the shower, I was looking in the mirror going, "Aisling, you absolute legend.
" And then I was like, "Oh Why can I see S in the mirror?" LAUGHTER Oh! I'd done it the wrong way round.
It was a surprise, though.
It was S were surprised, yeah.
S for Super-Vag.
Thank you, yeah.
The big mistake is, of course, that men find pubic hair disgusting, so shouldn't have had any in the first place.
I'm joking! It's actually back in fashion.
Is it? The bush is back.
Yeah, I'll show you.
So, best way to surprise your other half.
BUZZER Say yes to sex.
Yes.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK.
Ed, have you surprised the other half with anything? Er, yeah.
I proposed.
Aw! Which is Which is a good way to do a surprise.
Congratulations.
Thank you very much.
But the real surprise is the next morning, I pretended that it hadn't happened.
LAUGHTER Just denied all knowledge of it for about an hour.
She thought she was going mad, it was brilliant.
Little bit of gaslighting - always fun.
Where was the proposal? Was at a restaurant? Was it? Er, Japan.
Japan is good.
That's classy.
Well, it depends where in Japan, doesn't it? Yeah, it was at the Hiroshima memorial.
It was in a park.
Oh, well, you could have gone to a park here.
There's loads.
It's a long way to go for a park.
It is, innit? Something I do, but I save it for Christmas - as a little surprise, I paint my helmet red and scream, "Here comes Rudolph.
" Bit weird, but You should try doing that with your partner.
Yeah, it's lost on the kids at the grotto.
Stacey, what do you do to surprise Joe? Nothing, really.
No, I'm a terrible person.
I'm a terrible girlfriend.
When's the last time he was surprised? When I said, "I'm pregnant," because he was like, "When did we have sex?" LAUGHTER So, you surprised him with that.
How shocked was he? Like, really, really shocked, because I think SHE GIGGLES You can't get pregnant the way you normally do it? No, I think he thought I think he thought he was safe because he's getting a bit older and I think he thought, "Oh, yeah, I'll be all right.
They'll be a bit slower now.
" How old is he? 37.
So he's 37, so he was just becoming dust by now? And, you know, we don't see each other a lot, so .
.
I think he thought he got away with it, the all clear.
Lo and behold, I was plotting.
I only need one day, Jimmy.
Just one day.
That small window.
He does it through a window, does he? Surprising.
OK, best way to surprise your other half.
Let's get some answers.
What do you think? Trip away, a little holiday.
Literally it.
Book a weekend away is the exact right answer.
APPLAUSE Yes, the best way to surprise your partner is to book a weekend away.
I booked a weekend away and my girlfriend was very surprised because she thought she was coming too.
OK, final question BUZZER Is it when you say, "Make yourself at home and help yourself to anything you want," and then they do? My dad stays and he's I don't what happens, what age you get to as a dad and your boxer shorts have got no structural integrity.
And it's just, like, a flappy little walnut with a sheet that's on a washing line on a windy spring day.
Tell your dad to come and stay at mine.
What do you think, Aisling? Is it when they're worried that you're filming them? That actually happens.
You know that happened in an Airbnb that a whole family was getting filmed by the host? When I travel, I Airbnb a lot and it's always been my paranoia that the hosts are filming me.
Like, I always feel like Sometimes I'm a bit weirded out.
Like, on one hand, I'm like, "Oh, my God, that's so creepy.
" And on the other hand, sometimes I'm like, "Well, may as well put on a show.
" ROB: Is it holding in a fart? Yeah.
Sorry, do you need me to pull your finger? I I vouch for that.
Especially Do you know what a Dutch oven is? Yes.
I feel like I really don't want that to be a recipe in your new book, Liam.
I like a good fart, especially, like, the loud ones that have loads of depth of, like, smell and that.
So I can't It's honestly like you're describing a loaf right now.
This is the idea.
OK, please go on.
Yeah, so I normally like top and tail with my pals or whatever if they stay at mine, so I can't really fart that much if they stay in my bed.
When your friends stay over, you top and tail? Yeah.
That's called a 69, Liam.
Because my bed is pretty big, innit, so I'm not like, "Oh, you can stay on my sofa," because my sofa's a bit tired now.
Have you not got a floor? Yeah, but who wants to sleep on the floor? I'd rather that than your stinky arse in my face.
How does your sofa get tired? I mean, what does it do all day? LAUGHTER Holding it in does hurt as well.
Holding it I went on a flight once with somebody that I didn't know very well and I held it in the whole flight.
I got there and I thought I was dying.
I genuinely was doubled over in pain from the wind that I'd accumulated whilst in the air.
Are you sure you're pregnant? When you first start seeing someone and you're staying over, you don't really want to fart in bed with them.
Like, you have to hold it in.
I remember I tried to hold it in for hours and hours and it was like, well, I'm going to have to go to the toilet.
It was a flat share, but she had an en-suite room and I was like, "How am I going to do this?" So what I did was, and I still use this to this day, if you just pull your arse cheeks open, it just sort of whistles out of you.
It feels like you're deflating, like "Sssssssss" It went on for ages.
I nearly woke her up and go, "You're going to have to listen this!" OK.
Let's get some answers on this.
Is it when they leave reviews? Is it when they won't sleep with you? Yeah! Is it having to make conversations with people when you think, "Actually, I don't know what to say to you, "even though you're my brother.
" I think .
.
you might not have planned for this and the longer it goes on, the angrier you will get.
Oh They stay longer than they should.
Getting them to leave.
Yes.
That's exactly it.
APPLAUSE KLAXON Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show which means the final scores are Aisling, Lou and Stacey have two points, but the winners, Rob, Ed and Liam have six points.
APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.