8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s21e08 Episode Script
Josh Widdicombe, Joe Swash, Harriet Kemsley, Dotty, Suzi Ruffell
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Tonight, on Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
by Joe, he's got it.
It's Joe Swash.
Joe her the funny, it's Suzi Ruffell, and Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight, superstar DJ, it's Radio 1 Extra's Dotty.
Joker of the pack, it's Harriet Kemsley, and Josh Widdicombe, their guest team captain.
Now, welcome your host .
.
Jimmy Carr.
Hello, and welcome to Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
A show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, the Queen travels with an entourage of 34 people, including Prince Philip, and 33 people trying to keep Prince Philip alive.
85% of bikini bottoms never get wet.
Fair enough.
Who gets turned on by fat guys in Speedos? And 60% of the world's largest animals are in danger of going extinct.
That's why there's no time to waste.
If you want to shoot an elephant, do it now.
Don't wait to nail one of those fat slags.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
Tonight, it's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three things to do before you're thirty.
Rob, what do you think people want to do before they're thirty? Threesome.
I can tell you what.
Before you're 30, people, I'm sure, would like to move out.
Get their own place.
How old were you when you moved out of home? 18.
That's young.
Yeah.
I had a small house and a lot of brothers, so if my aunties came over, my mum would go, "Find somewhere to sleep this weekend.
"Your aunties are coming.
" So I'd just say to my mate, "Can I stay at your house this weekend?" How many aunties do you have? Oh, I've got loads.
My nan and grandad had about 15 brothers and sisters each.
His nan and grandad are rabbits.
Yeah, they are rabbits.
That's the teeth, isn't it? That's the teeth! About a minute in.
Sometimes it's a cheap shot, but it's a bull's-eye.
That's the thing, people moan now because it's expensive to buy your own place.
That there's loads of people living at home with their parents, right? And they can't move out until their 30s or 40s.
It's so expensive.
But, if you want to get rid of your kids, you can do it quickly.
All you've got to do is just start getting off with each other in the kitchen.
Just a little cuddle here, little arse grab there, because if I saw my mum cupping my dad's balls, I would have been in the Navy at 14.
Suzi, what age were you when you moved out? I was 18 as well.
The dizzy heights of London.
And you never moved back? No, I go back a bit now.
Every time I go home now my mum's like, "Oh, you treat this place like a hotel.
" And so I did what any of us would have done, I left a bad Trip Advisor review.
"Two stars.
The maid was very rude.
" Do you know what I do in hotels? Yeah? I I'm revealing too much today.
I don't know what's happened.
I've had truth juice.
If I'm in a hotel, I will trim my pubes there.
What?! Oh, mate! So, do you bring the scissors, or do you order down to reception? No, I've got a beard trimmer.
If I do it at home, it's a bit of a mess, and you can never clear it all up.
A bit of wind, it's everywhere, isn't it? If your mum walks in and you're trimming your pubes, that can't be great.
No, it's not ideal.
At least she knows you're tidy.
When your mum says, "Go upstairs and have a tidy around," I don't think she means that, and if she does, definitely move out.
Do you manscape, Josh? I don't actually.
Do you think I should get into it? I just think I'm looking at your hair and I'm imagining downstairs is I imagine it's like a pistachio in a birds nest.
You've never trimmed your pubes? No, but I'm going to as soon as I get home.
It's a whole new world for you, mate.
So, where do you start? Well, wherever there's hair.
Do you just go full skinhead? You can do as much off as you want off.
You've got to be careful of the nuts, though, because sometimes they fall between the teeth of the blade.
Yeah.
How small are your nuts? Teeny little things.
What age were you when you moved out, Joe? About 21 when I went.
It was a difficult transition because I had a lot of incidents when I moved out and I moved into my house.
I set fire to it.
I set fire to my duvet.
My duvet was made of duck feathers, so it was just thousands of duck feathers on fire.
I didn't know what to put out.
It's a bit like when you're trimming your pubes.
It's everywhere.
They were everywhere.
How did you set fire to your duvet? I had a candle on.
Why didn't you blow the candle out? It was a lavender candle and it was helping me sleep.
That doesn't matter Oh, OK, fair enough.
You had it on overnight? Yeah, and I must have put the duvet over it.
But then when it got into the mattress You were asleep when it started? Yeah, I was asleep.
And then I thought the dog was in the mattress.
I thought, "I've killed my fucking dog.
" You thought the dog was in the mattress? They were so much smoke and the dog was in bed with me and I thought, "Oh, fuck, I've killed the dog.
" How are you allowed to live on your own? I'm not even going to tell you about the floods.
I had a few bad floods.
You're going to tell us about the floods.
What happened with the floods? I had a period of about two months where I had eight floods.
Oh, my God.
What happened next? A plague of locusts? Honestly .
.
I've learned my lesson.
Ever since, I've not had a flood since.
So, what was the lesson? What did you.
.
? Turn off the taps? Turn the taps off.
Do you think you're going to make a good dad? I think you'll be a lot of fun as a dad.
Yeah.
I've got a little boy already, who's 11, and he's still alive, so I'm doing good.
I've just had a baby.
It changed my perception of everything.
Like, honestly, previously, I'd worry about my own mortality, but now, I'd quite happily be dead.
Has having a baby affected your voice at all? Because you sound Does it involve a lot of shouting having a baby? Shut up! Shut up! When are you moving out? And what about you, Dotty? Do you still live at home? I've done that thing where you move out, but then you move back in, and then you move out, like a trial period, but, third time lucky, I left.
So, with your parents, you've had a trial separation? Exactly.
And then we rekindled and then I left, eventually, at 25.
Do you pop back for food and washing? Occasionally.
But I have now figured out the washing machine, but it was touch and go.
Harriet? When did you move out? I moved out when I was 19, but I live in quite a small place.
But then, I don't think we deserve houses, you know what I mean? Baby boomers, they've been through the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Cold War.
Like, have us millennials been through? What, like, the ice bucket challenge? Do you know what I mean? The older baby boomers, that are angry, really do annoy me because it's so hard to buy somewhere now.
It's so difficult, and these people, they're in a house, and they're just so angry all the time.
And it's a house they bought in 1963, next to a tube station for 900 quid.
And they have a go at millennials for not buying a house, because we eat avocado.
Don't they know that avocados aren't 400 grand? And if they were, I wouldn't smash them.
I've got a fact for you, here's a fact.
Economists predict millennials will find it easier to get on the property ladder in 2034, as this is the year that a lot of baby boomers are expected to die.
Come on! OK, 2034.
I'm looking at you.
He's not making it to 2034.
I'll tell you what, Joe.
He'll be lucky to make it to the end of the show! OK, let's have a look and see if moving out is up there.
Yes, indeed, the number one thing.
People want to move out of their parents' house.
Even at the age of 26 my mum did all my washing.
I remember sitting in the bath thinking, "Mum, I'm 26.
I'm old enough to wash up on my own now.
" OK, next.
The other things people want to do by the age of 30.
What do you think? I think people want to try and drive.
Maybe.
Yes, learn to drive.
Can you drive, Harriet? I can.
Like, everyone's surprised.
You can drive? I can drive a car.
My friend, though, right.
She's got a Mini and they've got this thing where if you're in a Mini, you wave at the other Mini, but I drive a Nissan Micra and every time I drive everyone honks and yells, "Get off the road, you stupid bitch.
" It's a Nissan Micra thing.
It's what we do, yeah.
Dotty, do you drive? I do drive.
I didn't pass my theory test the first time around because I didn't realise you had to study.
I thought it was, like, one of those common sense things.
Do you know what I mean? But then there were signs, which I wasn't ready for.
My favourite sign is Falling Rocks because what am I meant to do? That sign might as well just be a picture of falling rocks that just say, "Be lucky.
" I've seen deer ones.
Like, "Beware of the deer.
" I saw a frog one the other day.
Have you ever seen a frog one? What the fuck have we got to look out for a frog for? I didn't know tarmac was their new habitat.
Fuck off to the pond.
If you're watching, frogs.
I'm sorry, but Rob's said, "Fuck off back to your pond.
" Yeah.
I killed an owl once.
You killed an owl? Yeah.
I was driving a car.
It wasn't, like, on purpose.
It spread its wings and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and then I killed it.
It was so sad.
It was the end of my road and I had to drive past it every day.
Can I ask, were you expelled from Hogwarts? Yeah.
Josh, do you drive? I failed my first test after three minutes.
I knew I'd failed when he said the words, "Watch out for that lorry.
" But I'd done better than someone else I'd seen at the test centre.
I watched a woman, she walked out, got in her car, went to go forwards, but reversed onto a bank, the wheels spun, and then her and her examiner just got out and went back into the test centre.
She'd failed within a second.
Yeah, it's nice to see you again.
I failed a few times, my driving test.
One of them, I got in trouble because I saluted a magpie.
What? On my driving test because it's bad luck not to, but it's worse luck to take your hand off the wheel whilst changing lanes.
My dad taught me to drive, but he's a black cab driver, so I make everyone sit in the back.
Only take cash and I've got some very strong views on Brexit.
Joe, do you drive? I do drive, yeah.
I You've had a few tests, though, didn't you? I had a couple of tests.
How many? I had about four tests, but, weirdly Four? Was it four? I had about six tests.
Weirdly, right Six tests? It was seven times! The test's mental, though.
Reverse around a corner? Fuck off! What is a mini roundabout? You cannot drive around a mini roundabout.
You've got to do a three-point turn to get around one of those fucking things.
But in the end, I'd done one of those five-day courses.
You start on Monday and by Saturday, I was on the A12.
It was the scariest thing in the world.
I passed.
It took you six days to do a five-day course? He's still trying to find the sixth gear.
Let's have a look and see if learning to drive is up there.
Yes, indeed, learning to drive.
When you're learning to drive, remember the basics.
Mirror, signal, crap, I didn't see the cyclist, swerve, crunch, stop, get out, scream, load up the boot, drive, park, dig, bury, pretend it never happened.
Easy.
17% of young people don't have a licence, but just use the taxi of Mum and Dad, which is fine, if you're taking your girlfriend to the cinema, but a bit awkward if you want to finger blast her in the car afterwards.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to Eight Out Of Ten Cats, where we're still trying to guess the British public's top things to do before you're 30.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
What do people want to do before they're 30? BUZZER What do you think, Josh? Skinny-dipping.
Have you ever been skinny-dipping? Of course I haven't.
I can't swim, I don't want to die naked.
I've been skinny paddling, but that looks awful on the beach.
Surely, if you're going to be naked, the beach is the worst place to be because it gets everywhere, doesn't it? I'd rather someone was naked than wearing a Speedo, though, because I think a Speedo's suspense in a horror film, you know.
Like, you know something terrible is happening, but you don't know what the monster looks like.
Dotty, have you ever been skinny-dipping? I haven't been skinny-dipping because you know when you've seen yourself naked in private? Oh, yes.
Not when you're flexing in the mirror.
Have you ever caught yourself by accident? When you've just caught your reflection, like, in a toaster? Yeah.
Do you toast naked then? No, I just I've got a small flat.
There was a water park in Stoke-on-Trent that were doing a nudist day for the family.
Oh, no.
And it was £21 to get in and I couldn't help but think, "Oh, don't get change.
" Where are you going to put that? And there's £9.
"Oh, fuck.
" That's my problem with that event.
Yeah.
It's difficult for blokes to go skinny-dipping because it's all a bit of a laugh when you're flaccid.
As soon as you get a lob on, it's gone weird apparently.
I can tell you, skinny-dipping is not up there.
I went skinny-dipping, it was exciting and liberating, and fun.
The only issue, really, is I got banned from seniors aqua aerobics.
Fingers on buzzers.
Another thing to get.
BUZZER Is it travelling, or backpacking? People love doing that.
A year out.
Did you ever do that? Were you a traveller? Yeah, in my blood.
My nan's side.
Suzi, did you ever go travelling? No, it's not for me.
I don't like roughing it.
And everyone I've ever met that's like, "I've been backpacking," I've been like, "You're a prick.
" The worse are the people who go to Thailand for a full moon party.
We've got a moon here.
It's at full moon parties people always go, "Oh, I had a great time.
"I had this bucket of whisky and coke.
" It weren't the full moon you enjoyed, you had a bucket of whisky and coke.
Dotty, have you been travelling? Travelling, but not backpacking.
I like to I'm a risky I like to travel without travel insurance.
Chances are, you're going to be all right.
So I'm risk adverse, on the holiday, because I've got no insurance.
So I can't go backpacking because That's too risky.
Too risky.
Do you know you can just get insurance? The other thing about roughing it, the point you made You know, because backpacking, you do have to rough it.
This is a guy in Thailand, who's travelling, and he finds a cockroach in his room, but he sort of mans up.
He handles the situation.
I get that, though, because I'm terrified of creepy crawlies.
Once I moved into a flat, and I was moving the sofa, and there was a properly big, massive, hairy spider behind it, and I didn't know what to do, so I went out.
I locked the door, in case it had kids, and I thought, "I'm going to have to do something about this" So, I went next door to my neighbour, who I had never met, and said, "I've got this massive spider in my living room.
"Can you help me?" He didn't speak any English.
So I was like, "Come with me," and I moved the sofa and it turns out he spoke a little bit of English, which was, "Ooh, he's a big bastard.
" I hated backpacking.
I went to America.
Hated it.
Hated the hostels.
Eugh.
There's a reason there's film franchise called Hostel and it's a horror movie.
There's no film franchise about horror movies called Ma Maison.
I can tell you, backpacking is not one of the top things to do before you're 30, but, backpacking around the world is incredible for anyone who enjoys holidays, but wishes there was a bit more waking up in an ice bath, missing your kidneys action.
Fingers on buzzers.
One more thing still to get.
BUZZER Is it, like, falling in love? Getting a boyfriend, girlfriend, and stuff like that? How old were you when you first fell in love? When did I have my first Ferrero Rocher? Joe, have you ever been in love? I fell in love with a swimming pool blower in Tenerife.
A swimming pool what, sorry? A swimming pool You know, like a swimming pool filter that filters out water and then blows it back in? I was about ten and I went past it and went, "Oh.
" And then we had a relationship for about two weeks before I had to go home.
And what would you do with the I'd just sort of lean up against it .
.
and let it blow on my willy.
I didn't put two and two together.
I didn't know what wanking was at the time.
So, I just thought I'd found something that no-one else knew about.
What annoys me is my mates that are married and got married before Tinder and all that, and they go, "Oh, I missed Tinder, didn't I? "If I was on Tinder Imagine.
I'd clean up.
" I was like, "No, you wouldn't.
"Because Tinder, Steve, would not change your face, your personality, "or your gambling addiction.
" I couldn't use Tinder because growing up in Dartmoor, there's just no-one in my area.
There's always family.
"Oh, look.
Mum's up for it.
I'll pop downstairs.
" I think Tinder's good, though.
I think it's a great way of reminding women that men are gross.
We don't have to leave the house.
Dotty, have you been in love? I'm really, really, really fickle.
So, I'm easily put off.
So, I'll be like, "This is the one.
Oh, yeah.
This is it for me.
" What's the most minor thing that's put you off? Farts.
So, your current partner, she's perfect? I wouldn't say perfect, but we're pretty good.
She's done well so far.
That's a vote of confidence.
Five years, no farts, so I don't know where she does them.
Five years, no farts? You know think she's going to explode at some point? I was there for Suzi when you had a break-up once, wasn't I? Yeah.
So, we were going to a tour show, we had quite a long drive together, and I'd literally been dumped that morning.
I phoned my agent, but it was too late to change the support act.
So, I was driving and weeping, and driving and weeping, and we got to the place where we were having dinner Josh, made you drive? Yeah.
You heard how my test went, mate.
Probably for the best, yeah.
And then we got to the place we were having dinner and I looked a mess, because I'd just been dumped, and the guy threw my dinner down in front of me and went, "Can I get you anything else, sir?" And then Josh laughed so hard he had to go outside, ring one of our mutual friends and go, "Ruffell got dumped this morning, and now she's been mistaken "for a man.
It's literally the best day of my life.
" Harriet, how long have you been married now? Nearly two years.
My parents, they've been married 38 years.
I know, it's quite impressive, but they told me recently that I was their greatest achievement, which I just thought is so sad.
It's particularly sad for my brother.
Love's got a bit out of hand because back in the day, you'd go to your local disco, get pissed, stand near a girl and end up marrying her.
That was basically it.
That was it.
You know your wife's going to watch this, right? Dress it up a bit, come on.
I met her at work, actually.
Did you meet her at work? Yeah, we went out, I stood near her, got married.
So, proposing.
That's a big romantic moment in life.
That's really when you know you're falling in love.
Take a look at this guy proposing on a private plane.
Pretty swish.
My mum, sort of, accidentally told me that my girlfriend was going to propose to me.
I say accidentally, my girlfriend asked my mum if we could get married.
And my mum, sort of Afterwards, we were having a drink together, and she sort of let me know, she sort of went, "Here, Suze.
Do you think you and Alice are going to get married?" And I went, "Yeah, I hope so.
" She went, "Hmm.
Do you think you'd want to do the proposing?" The only reason she's saying this is because I've got short hair and Alice has got long hair, and she's like, "Oh, she deserves a proposal.
"She's making the effort.
" And I said, "I don't know.
Maybe.
" And Mum went, "If you want to, I'd crack on.
" Did you propose? Did she propose? She proposed.
It was very sweet.
It was in our flat and she suggested She said, "I think we should spend the rest of our lives together.
" I said, "That sounds lovely.
" And then because I knew she was thinking of proposing, so for the last four months, every time she went to tie her shoelaces, I was like, "Yes!" So, yeah, it was really sweet, and we had this really emotional, lovely moment, and then the cat immediately had a shit in the corner.
And I was like, "Oh, and that's life, isn't it?" I'm actually just realising why they put us on separate teams.
They're trying to spread out the gay.
Because it's catching.
Watch out, Harriet.
But they've concentrated the Cockney .
.
in one little corner.
I'm Cock-no, thanks.
I had some disastrous first dates, like, when I started dating.
I had one at uni where I had a date with the girl that was in the room below me, and I thought, "Well, maybe, you know, we'll go back to mine.
" Basically, she called off the date, because an hour before, when she was getting ready, she could hear me hoovering my room.
And she just presumed I was being too presumptuous.
Were you? Presumably you'd just trimmed your pubes? Well, let's see if falling in love is up there.
Of course, falling in love.
Most young people these days try and fall in love online with apps like Tinder.
If you've never used Tinder, think of it as sort of like Deliveroo for chlamydia.
The biggest turn-off for me in a dating profile is when a woman says she's got a couple of kids, and you realise one of them is you.
A quarter of young people think marriage should be a temporary contract, like a mobile phone deal.
It's not a bad idea.
I'd go for unlimited sexts.
I'd like to do a bit of roaming and if I drop her, I'd like an upgrade, no questions asked.
So, those were the top things to do before you're 30, but also on the list, starting a business.
The young woman who lives opposite me has just started her own webcam business.
I'm sure she'll be delighted when she finds out.
At the end of that round, Rob's team are in the lead.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out of 10 Cats, our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Joe, Suzi, what do you like the look of? Oh, the brain? The brain, OK.
According to a recent study, having small electric shocks can improve your memory, so we asked our studio audience What do you think? I've not forgotten anything.
All of it's up there.
Sin, cos, tan, Pythagoras, hypotenuse, protractors.
That sounds like people in your gang.
LAUGHTER Bunsen burners .
.
Bunsen burners, the Tudors LAUGHTER .
.
and, er, throwing bean bags.
LAUGHTER There was a lot of throwing beanbags.
There was a lot of throwing beanbags, more beanbags than Tudor, if you ask me.
LAUGHTER Harriet, do you remember much from school? I remember everything from school, which I think suggests I didn't go to a very good school.
What do you know? Um List the things you know, we've got time.
LAUGHTER Volcanoes, cats, um, hats It sounds like one Dr Seuss book.
.
.
bats.
Did you go to school, Joe? LAUGHTER Yeah.
A long time ago, I did, yeah, I did, a few times.
Was it, like, a class that they had within the LAUGHTER .
.
what I can only assume was a secure unit? Yeah.
Do you remember much from school? You know what, my school weren't really the environment to learn in.
My school was the kind of place LAUGHTER My school was the place I mean, he's an absolute joy, isn't he? He's a bloody joy.
My school "My school weren't really a learning environment".
LAUGHTER My school was the kind of place that, if you needed to go to the toilet, you'd go home, because you wouldn't take the risk of doing it in the school.
It was pretty rough, my school.
It was so rough, you couldn't shit there? LAUGHTER Dotty, what were you like at school? I was the one that got kicked out of the class quite a lot.
Oh, right, OK.
That was me.
I think they weren't challenging me.
LAUGHTER What kind of challenge did you want? I just felt, right, "I don't need this stuff.
" Do you know what I mean? "When am I going to use this?" All the time.
I was Yesterday, I was with a mate, and we had seven apples Right And he said to me, he said, "I want a third of them.
"How are we going to work this out?" But I don't remember.
I can use a Bunsen burner.
But when have you ever had to use that, do you know what I mean? All the time, a friend will come round, cup of tea LAUGHTER .
.
pop it on the Bunsen burner, blue flame.
Rob, can I ask you, you went to a big school, right? Yes.
How many pupils do you reckon, roughly? There was thousands of kids there.
Thousands of kids? Yeah.
How many kids at your school, Josh? Er, there was four in my year.
LAUGHTER And did you know them all? That's the whole year? Yeah.
Were you in a foster home? LAUGHTER Was it definitely a school? I didn't think it was weird, because I just presumed all schools where that small, and then you grow up, and you realise They're not.
.
.
that you're in an Enid Blyton novel.
LAUGHTER No, mate, it wasn't The Famous Four.
Famous Four! LAUGHTER Well, look, they say that school gets you prepared for real life, OK? But at my school, if you didn't have your PE kit, you did it in your pants.
Yeah.
When I started to work at Sainsbury's, if I'd forgotten my uniform .
.
they didn't make me put the yoghurts with my knob out.
LAUGHTER Right, so what do you think? What do you think, yes or no? We're going to go no.
OK, no.
What do you think, Josh? Looking at this audience, they've forgotten everything they learned.
Well, I can tell you the answer is no, 63% of our audience say they haven't forgotten what they learned at school.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done to them.
For a lot of people, school was a waste of time, like, for example, Rob's teachers.
LAUGHTER OK, we are going to attempt a memory test now.
So, there's this theory that getting an electric shock increases your memory.
Joe, Josh.
Come and join me in the middle for the special 8 Out Of 10 Cats memory test.
OK, there are 20 objects under here.
I'm going to show them to you.
All you have to do is memorise them.
Understood? Yeah.
Yeah.
OK.
And now you've been fitted with electric shock pads.
Apparently, electric shocks help your memory.
In fact, I'll give you a little boost now, OK? A little memory boost.
All right, go on.
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES HE CRIES OU Ah, Jimmy, turn it down a little bit.
OK.
Just a little bit.
It made my nipples go hard! We're going to do another test.
Boost your memory.
Here we go.
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Ow! It's nice in a way, though.
Oh, it's not! You like it? OK, let's play the 8 Out Of 10 Cats memory test.
OK, are you ready? You've got 20 seconds to memorise 20 seconds?! .
.
20 objects.
OK, there you go.
All right.
OK, so you've got a tomato, you've got sunglasses.
Yeah.
You've got a rubber glove, you've got a dinosaur, you've got half a Scotch egg, you've got a pizza cutter.
What's this? That's a kazoo.
Kazoo? That's a rubber ducky.
I'd leave that one, Joe.
Wait there one second.
That is it.
It's pretty easy.
Now, all you've got to do is name those 20 objects.
Yeah.
Easy.
OK, you go first.
Kazoo.
OK, Josh, your go.
Kazoo.
No, er ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Argh! Joe, your go.
Orange.
We'll give you that.
Satsuma.
Cheers.
Tomato.
Erm, we had some, erm ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Argh! Oi, Jimmy! You're not allowed to hesitate.
I weren't hesitating, I was about to say it! What would you about to say? I was about to say the little heart glasses.
Dinosaur.
Dinosaur? A dinosaur.
A dice.
Teeth.
Oh, a tea bag.
Correct.
Er, a playing card.
Oh, there was a Which playing card? I know which it was.
Which playing card? Get it wrong.
Go on, buzz him.
Come on, mate! Ten Ow! It was the eight of spades.
Ten of spades.
Eight of spades.
Go on, hit him.
Who got it right? Ow! Oh, Jimmy! Is it my go or your go? A pin.
A blue London bus.
Teeth, teeth, teeth! I've said it! ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Jimmy, let go of it! This is making us sweat! Oh, I can't Oh, no.
no, I can't remember any more.
No ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Ow! Tray.
A tray.
It was all on a tray! It was on a tray.
It was on a tray, yeah.
Joe? Are we still playing? We must have done it by now.
We had a rubber ducky.
Yes.
A pearl necklace.
Yes Don't, Jimmy.
.
.
and we had a rubber glove.
Come on, how am I being beaten by Joe Swash at this? Well, that's Ow! I can't think of any more.
Let me do it to him, Jimmy! No! Let me do it to him.
I'll give you each other's.
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Ow! Stop it! You stop yours! Stop! HORN BLASTS No, he's got both of them, Jimmy! He's got both of them! Take them off of him! Jimmy, it's not fair.
Jimmy! It's not fair! Ow! Jimmy! Ah Ow! I thought I had yours! He done himself! My back's hurting.
OK, at the end of that, you both did really well.
At the end of that, you both did really well.
You each get a point.
Yay! Yay! That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is, is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
What do you think.
Is it when someone at work's got a really annoying laugh? HE MIMICS JIMMY'S LAUGH Is it, when you make the bed, if you put the duvet over the pillows, instead of under it? No, it's not.
Good, because someone tell my fucking girlfriend! Is the most annoying habit leaving droplets on the shower door rather than sponging it down afterwards? What? No, it's not! What is she doing to me? You have to wipe down the shower after you have a shower? Yeah! It's a shower, it cleans itself! Is it not having your method of payment ready when it's time to pay? Oh, yes.
Oh, you'll be queueing up for ages and you get there, and it's like a shock to them.
Like, what did you think you were queueing up for? Harriet, what do you think, the most annoying thing? Is it when someone tags you in a meme and they're like, "It's just like you," but then you look at it and it's nothing like you and you think that no-one knows you at all? I just hate couples holding hands, hugging pavements.
I get annoyed with people when you're walking down the street and they just stop dead.
Yeah! What's that? Normally a stroke.
What do you think, Susie, the most annoying habit? When you send a WhatsApp and you can see that they've read it and they don't respond.
I'll get back to you! Yeah, I don't like WhatsApp.
Everything about it freaks me out.
When you are writing and you know that people can see you're writing, and the pressure gets too much.
Love it, though, when someone's writing for like a minute and then just goes, "Yes.
" You think, how many ways did you try and draft that? Rob? Eating loudly.
Oh, I hate that! Stacey does that.
She eats crisps, like someone's turned the volume up in her mouth.
You know what I mean? What crisp is it? It can affect it, know what I mean? Quavers are a subtle one.
If you go McCoy She's more of a Dorito.
It's a real initial big crunch and then loads of little crunches.
That annoyed me, but I've got over that.
Took me a good couple of years to get over that.
I can deal with that now.
Anything else annoys you about Stacey? She makes me go to bed at like eight in the afternoon.
Eight in the afternoon! No, no In the evening.
You had us at eight in the afternoon.
She goes to bed really early but she makes me go to bed with her, and then she goes to sleep and I'm just sort of sat there, thinking, "Fucking hell, what am I doing here?" Why am I sitting here at like Eight in the afternoon! Let's get some answers.
Most annoying habit.
Being on your phone.
That's it, always being on the phone.
Oh! Yes, the most annoying habit is someone always being on their phone.
Some people are just plain rude on the phone.
My nan called the other day to say, "Help, help, I've fallen down the" And then just went quiet.
I hung up.
I haven't got time for games.
OK, final question.
What do you think? The alphabet.
I still don't know it.
I thought I knew it.
Like, A, B, C, D, E, F, G,, but my daughter's started going to preschool and apparently I don't know it.
The way you teach them, the alphabet's like, "ah, bih, ceh, dih, eh, feh, geh, kuh.
" When it gets to, like a giraffe, and it's like "Gih" forgiraffe? That's the way you've got to teach them.
That seems crazy.
Susie, do you ever pretend to know about anything? I think wine is a classic one of people pretending.
Like, you know, "What's the year?" The only time I'm going to be asking what the year is if I'm so blind drunk I don't know what year it is! People are a bit annoying with healthy eating.
People pretend, like, "Oh, you're doing a diet, "you must eat more kale.
It's so good for you.
So much iron in it.
" If it's got so much iron in it, why aren't these dirty thieves going into my fridge and nicking it? Taking it down the Streatham metal yard, if there's that much iron in it.
Dirty thieves? That's no way to talk about your family! What do you pretend to know about, Joe? Me? I don't think I get away with it any more, so I just stopped pretending.
That checks out.
Harriet? People always pretend to me that they know about art.
Like, everyone's always, like, about Vincent van Gogh, they're, like, The Sunflowers, they're, like, "Oh, it's about the vagaries of time," or something, and I'm, like, "Did you know him? Maybe he just liked yellow.
" I don't know.
I pretended to know what wind is the other day.
Someone asked me what wind was, they said, "Do you know what wind is?" And I said, "Yeah," and then I realised, I don't.
Do you know what it is? Oh, my God, I don't know.
No-one knows.
It's when things blow.
Yeah, I know what wind is, but what causes No-one knows.
What causes wind? We are all walking around pretending we know what wind is.
Is it because the earth's spinning? It's not because the earth's spinning! Joe, what about when there's no wind, have we stopped? At least I'm chucking in some ideas! OK, most common thing people pretend to know about.
Dottie, what do you think? Brexit? Well, Brexit, when people mention it, as well, you go, I can't get into a conversation about this, it changes too often.
That's a good out.
I just piece together headlines that I've read, and try and come up with, like, a coherent sentence.
Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah? Like, oh, the backstop is just .
.
too hot for me.
I think Dottie's, sort of, got it.
Politics? Brexit? That's it.
Yes, the most common thing people pretend to know about is politics.
Everyone should read up about politics, it's incredibly important to know who you pretended to vote for because you slept in on the morning of the election.
BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round, and the end of the show.
I can tell you Rob, Joe, and Susie are tonight's winners! APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us, good night!
Tonight, on Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
by Joe, he's got it.
It's Joe Swash.
Joe her the funny, it's Suzi Ruffell, and Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight, superstar DJ, it's Radio 1 Extra's Dotty.
Joker of the pack, it's Harriet Kemsley, and Josh Widdicombe, their guest team captain.
Now, welcome your host .
.
Jimmy Carr.
Hello, and welcome to Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
A show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, the Queen travels with an entourage of 34 people, including Prince Philip, and 33 people trying to keep Prince Philip alive.
85% of bikini bottoms never get wet.
Fair enough.
Who gets turned on by fat guys in Speedos? And 60% of the world's largest animals are in danger of going extinct.
That's why there's no time to waste.
If you want to shoot an elephant, do it now.
Don't wait to nail one of those fat slags.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
Tonight, it's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three things to do before you're thirty.
Rob, what do you think people want to do before they're thirty? Threesome.
I can tell you what.
Before you're 30, people, I'm sure, would like to move out.
Get their own place.
How old were you when you moved out of home? 18.
That's young.
Yeah.
I had a small house and a lot of brothers, so if my aunties came over, my mum would go, "Find somewhere to sleep this weekend.
"Your aunties are coming.
" So I'd just say to my mate, "Can I stay at your house this weekend?" How many aunties do you have? Oh, I've got loads.
My nan and grandad had about 15 brothers and sisters each.
His nan and grandad are rabbits.
Yeah, they are rabbits.
That's the teeth, isn't it? That's the teeth! About a minute in.
Sometimes it's a cheap shot, but it's a bull's-eye.
That's the thing, people moan now because it's expensive to buy your own place.
That there's loads of people living at home with their parents, right? And they can't move out until their 30s or 40s.
It's so expensive.
But, if you want to get rid of your kids, you can do it quickly.
All you've got to do is just start getting off with each other in the kitchen.
Just a little cuddle here, little arse grab there, because if I saw my mum cupping my dad's balls, I would have been in the Navy at 14.
Suzi, what age were you when you moved out? I was 18 as well.
The dizzy heights of London.
And you never moved back? No, I go back a bit now.
Every time I go home now my mum's like, "Oh, you treat this place like a hotel.
" And so I did what any of us would have done, I left a bad Trip Advisor review.
"Two stars.
The maid was very rude.
" Do you know what I do in hotels? Yeah? I I'm revealing too much today.
I don't know what's happened.
I've had truth juice.
If I'm in a hotel, I will trim my pubes there.
What?! Oh, mate! So, do you bring the scissors, or do you order down to reception? No, I've got a beard trimmer.
If I do it at home, it's a bit of a mess, and you can never clear it all up.
A bit of wind, it's everywhere, isn't it? If your mum walks in and you're trimming your pubes, that can't be great.
No, it's not ideal.
At least she knows you're tidy.
When your mum says, "Go upstairs and have a tidy around," I don't think she means that, and if she does, definitely move out.
Do you manscape, Josh? I don't actually.
Do you think I should get into it? I just think I'm looking at your hair and I'm imagining downstairs is I imagine it's like a pistachio in a birds nest.
You've never trimmed your pubes? No, but I'm going to as soon as I get home.
It's a whole new world for you, mate.
So, where do you start? Well, wherever there's hair.
Do you just go full skinhead? You can do as much off as you want off.
You've got to be careful of the nuts, though, because sometimes they fall between the teeth of the blade.
Yeah.
How small are your nuts? Teeny little things.
What age were you when you moved out, Joe? About 21 when I went.
It was a difficult transition because I had a lot of incidents when I moved out and I moved into my house.
I set fire to it.
I set fire to my duvet.
My duvet was made of duck feathers, so it was just thousands of duck feathers on fire.
I didn't know what to put out.
It's a bit like when you're trimming your pubes.
It's everywhere.
They were everywhere.
How did you set fire to your duvet? I had a candle on.
Why didn't you blow the candle out? It was a lavender candle and it was helping me sleep.
That doesn't matter Oh, OK, fair enough.
You had it on overnight? Yeah, and I must have put the duvet over it.
But then when it got into the mattress You were asleep when it started? Yeah, I was asleep.
And then I thought the dog was in the mattress.
I thought, "I've killed my fucking dog.
" You thought the dog was in the mattress? They were so much smoke and the dog was in bed with me and I thought, "Oh, fuck, I've killed the dog.
" How are you allowed to live on your own? I'm not even going to tell you about the floods.
I had a few bad floods.
You're going to tell us about the floods.
What happened with the floods? I had a period of about two months where I had eight floods.
Oh, my God.
What happened next? A plague of locusts? Honestly .
.
I've learned my lesson.
Ever since, I've not had a flood since.
So, what was the lesson? What did you.
.
? Turn off the taps? Turn the taps off.
Do you think you're going to make a good dad? I think you'll be a lot of fun as a dad.
Yeah.
I've got a little boy already, who's 11, and he's still alive, so I'm doing good.
I've just had a baby.
It changed my perception of everything.
Like, honestly, previously, I'd worry about my own mortality, but now, I'd quite happily be dead.
Has having a baby affected your voice at all? Because you sound Does it involve a lot of shouting having a baby? Shut up! Shut up! When are you moving out? And what about you, Dotty? Do you still live at home? I've done that thing where you move out, but then you move back in, and then you move out, like a trial period, but, third time lucky, I left.
So, with your parents, you've had a trial separation? Exactly.
And then we rekindled and then I left, eventually, at 25.
Do you pop back for food and washing? Occasionally.
But I have now figured out the washing machine, but it was touch and go.
Harriet? When did you move out? I moved out when I was 19, but I live in quite a small place.
But then, I don't think we deserve houses, you know what I mean? Baby boomers, they've been through the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Cold War.
Like, have us millennials been through? What, like, the ice bucket challenge? Do you know what I mean? The older baby boomers, that are angry, really do annoy me because it's so hard to buy somewhere now.
It's so difficult, and these people, they're in a house, and they're just so angry all the time.
And it's a house they bought in 1963, next to a tube station for 900 quid.
And they have a go at millennials for not buying a house, because we eat avocado.
Don't they know that avocados aren't 400 grand? And if they were, I wouldn't smash them.
I've got a fact for you, here's a fact.
Economists predict millennials will find it easier to get on the property ladder in 2034, as this is the year that a lot of baby boomers are expected to die.
Come on! OK, 2034.
I'm looking at you.
He's not making it to 2034.
I'll tell you what, Joe.
He'll be lucky to make it to the end of the show! OK, let's have a look and see if moving out is up there.
Yes, indeed, the number one thing.
People want to move out of their parents' house.
Even at the age of 26 my mum did all my washing.
I remember sitting in the bath thinking, "Mum, I'm 26.
I'm old enough to wash up on my own now.
" OK, next.
The other things people want to do by the age of 30.
What do you think? I think people want to try and drive.
Maybe.
Yes, learn to drive.
Can you drive, Harriet? I can.
Like, everyone's surprised.
You can drive? I can drive a car.
My friend, though, right.
She's got a Mini and they've got this thing where if you're in a Mini, you wave at the other Mini, but I drive a Nissan Micra and every time I drive everyone honks and yells, "Get off the road, you stupid bitch.
" It's a Nissan Micra thing.
It's what we do, yeah.
Dotty, do you drive? I do drive.
I didn't pass my theory test the first time around because I didn't realise you had to study.
I thought it was, like, one of those common sense things.
Do you know what I mean? But then there were signs, which I wasn't ready for.
My favourite sign is Falling Rocks because what am I meant to do? That sign might as well just be a picture of falling rocks that just say, "Be lucky.
" I've seen deer ones.
Like, "Beware of the deer.
" I saw a frog one the other day.
Have you ever seen a frog one? What the fuck have we got to look out for a frog for? I didn't know tarmac was their new habitat.
Fuck off to the pond.
If you're watching, frogs.
I'm sorry, but Rob's said, "Fuck off back to your pond.
" Yeah.
I killed an owl once.
You killed an owl? Yeah.
I was driving a car.
It wasn't, like, on purpose.
It spread its wings and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and then I killed it.
It was so sad.
It was the end of my road and I had to drive past it every day.
Can I ask, were you expelled from Hogwarts? Yeah.
Josh, do you drive? I failed my first test after three minutes.
I knew I'd failed when he said the words, "Watch out for that lorry.
" But I'd done better than someone else I'd seen at the test centre.
I watched a woman, she walked out, got in her car, went to go forwards, but reversed onto a bank, the wheels spun, and then her and her examiner just got out and went back into the test centre.
She'd failed within a second.
Yeah, it's nice to see you again.
I failed a few times, my driving test.
One of them, I got in trouble because I saluted a magpie.
What? On my driving test because it's bad luck not to, but it's worse luck to take your hand off the wheel whilst changing lanes.
My dad taught me to drive, but he's a black cab driver, so I make everyone sit in the back.
Only take cash and I've got some very strong views on Brexit.
Joe, do you drive? I do drive, yeah.
I You've had a few tests, though, didn't you? I had a couple of tests.
How many? I had about four tests, but, weirdly Four? Was it four? I had about six tests.
Weirdly, right Six tests? It was seven times! The test's mental, though.
Reverse around a corner? Fuck off! What is a mini roundabout? You cannot drive around a mini roundabout.
You've got to do a three-point turn to get around one of those fucking things.
But in the end, I'd done one of those five-day courses.
You start on Monday and by Saturday, I was on the A12.
It was the scariest thing in the world.
I passed.
It took you six days to do a five-day course? He's still trying to find the sixth gear.
Let's have a look and see if learning to drive is up there.
Yes, indeed, learning to drive.
When you're learning to drive, remember the basics.
Mirror, signal, crap, I didn't see the cyclist, swerve, crunch, stop, get out, scream, load up the boot, drive, park, dig, bury, pretend it never happened.
Easy.
17% of young people don't have a licence, but just use the taxi of Mum and Dad, which is fine, if you're taking your girlfriend to the cinema, but a bit awkward if you want to finger blast her in the car afterwards.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to Eight Out Of Ten Cats, where we're still trying to guess the British public's top things to do before you're 30.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
What do people want to do before they're 30? BUZZER What do you think, Josh? Skinny-dipping.
Have you ever been skinny-dipping? Of course I haven't.
I can't swim, I don't want to die naked.
I've been skinny paddling, but that looks awful on the beach.
Surely, if you're going to be naked, the beach is the worst place to be because it gets everywhere, doesn't it? I'd rather someone was naked than wearing a Speedo, though, because I think a Speedo's suspense in a horror film, you know.
Like, you know something terrible is happening, but you don't know what the monster looks like.
Dotty, have you ever been skinny-dipping? I haven't been skinny-dipping because you know when you've seen yourself naked in private? Oh, yes.
Not when you're flexing in the mirror.
Have you ever caught yourself by accident? When you've just caught your reflection, like, in a toaster? Yeah.
Do you toast naked then? No, I just I've got a small flat.
There was a water park in Stoke-on-Trent that were doing a nudist day for the family.
Oh, no.
And it was £21 to get in and I couldn't help but think, "Oh, don't get change.
" Where are you going to put that? And there's £9.
"Oh, fuck.
" That's my problem with that event.
Yeah.
It's difficult for blokes to go skinny-dipping because it's all a bit of a laugh when you're flaccid.
As soon as you get a lob on, it's gone weird apparently.
I can tell you, skinny-dipping is not up there.
I went skinny-dipping, it was exciting and liberating, and fun.
The only issue, really, is I got banned from seniors aqua aerobics.
Fingers on buzzers.
Another thing to get.
BUZZER Is it travelling, or backpacking? People love doing that.
A year out.
Did you ever do that? Were you a traveller? Yeah, in my blood.
My nan's side.
Suzi, did you ever go travelling? No, it's not for me.
I don't like roughing it.
And everyone I've ever met that's like, "I've been backpacking," I've been like, "You're a prick.
" The worse are the people who go to Thailand for a full moon party.
We've got a moon here.
It's at full moon parties people always go, "Oh, I had a great time.
"I had this bucket of whisky and coke.
" It weren't the full moon you enjoyed, you had a bucket of whisky and coke.
Dotty, have you been travelling? Travelling, but not backpacking.
I like to I'm a risky I like to travel without travel insurance.
Chances are, you're going to be all right.
So I'm risk adverse, on the holiday, because I've got no insurance.
So I can't go backpacking because That's too risky.
Too risky.
Do you know you can just get insurance? The other thing about roughing it, the point you made You know, because backpacking, you do have to rough it.
This is a guy in Thailand, who's travelling, and he finds a cockroach in his room, but he sort of mans up.
He handles the situation.
I get that, though, because I'm terrified of creepy crawlies.
Once I moved into a flat, and I was moving the sofa, and there was a properly big, massive, hairy spider behind it, and I didn't know what to do, so I went out.
I locked the door, in case it had kids, and I thought, "I'm going to have to do something about this" So, I went next door to my neighbour, who I had never met, and said, "I've got this massive spider in my living room.
"Can you help me?" He didn't speak any English.
So I was like, "Come with me," and I moved the sofa and it turns out he spoke a little bit of English, which was, "Ooh, he's a big bastard.
" I hated backpacking.
I went to America.
Hated it.
Hated the hostels.
Eugh.
There's a reason there's film franchise called Hostel and it's a horror movie.
There's no film franchise about horror movies called Ma Maison.
I can tell you, backpacking is not one of the top things to do before you're 30, but, backpacking around the world is incredible for anyone who enjoys holidays, but wishes there was a bit more waking up in an ice bath, missing your kidneys action.
Fingers on buzzers.
One more thing still to get.
BUZZER Is it, like, falling in love? Getting a boyfriend, girlfriend, and stuff like that? How old were you when you first fell in love? When did I have my first Ferrero Rocher? Joe, have you ever been in love? I fell in love with a swimming pool blower in Tenerife.
A swimming pool what, sorry? A swimming pool You know, like a swimming pool filter that filters out water and then blows it back in? I was about ten and I went past it and went, "Oh.
" And then we had a relationship for about two weeks before I had to go home.
And what would you do with the I'd just sort of lean up against it .
.
and let it blow on my willy.
I didn't put two and two together.
I didn't know what wanking was at the time.
So, I just thought I'd found something that no-one else knew about.
What annoys me is my mates that are married and got married before Tinder and all that, and they go, "Oh, I missed Tinder, didn't I? "If I was on Tinder Imagine.
I'd clean up.
" I was like, "No, you wouldn't.
"Because Tinder, Steve, would not change your face, your personality, "or your gambling addiction.
" I couldn't use Tinder because growing up in Dartmoor, there's just no-one in my area.
There's always family.
"Oh, look.
Mum's up for it.
I'll pop downstairs.
" I think Tinder's good, though.
I think it's a great way of reminding women that men are gross.
We don't have to leave the house.
Dotty, have you been in love? I'm really, really, really fickle.
So, I'm easily put off.
So, I'll be like, "This is the one.
Oh, yeah.
This is it for me.
" What's the most minor thing that's put you off? Farts.
So, your current partner, she's perfect? I wouldn't say perfect, but we're pretty good.
She's done well so far.
That's a vote of confidence.
Five years, no farts, so I don't know where she does them.
Five years, no farts? You know think she's going to explode at some point? I was there for Suzi when you had a break-up once, wasn't I? Yeah.
So, we were going to a tour show, we had quite a long drive together, and I'd literally been dumped that morning.
I phoned my agent, but it was too late to change the support act.
So, I was driving and weeping, and driving and weeping, and we got to the place where we were having dinner Josh, made you drive? Yeah.
You heard how my test went, mate.
Probably for the best, yeah.
And then we got to the place we were having dinner and I looked a mess, because I'd just been dumped, and the guy threw my dinner down in front of me and went, "Can I get you anything else, sir?" And then Josh laughed so hard he had to go outside, ring one of our mutual friends and go, "Ruffell got dumped this morning, and now she's been mistaken "for a man.
It's literally the best day of my life.
" Harriet, how long have you been married now? Nearly two years.
My parents, they've been married 38 years.
I know, it's quite impressive, but they told me recently that I was their greatest achievement, which I just thought is so sad.
It's particularly sad for my brother.
Love's got a bit out of hand because back in the day, you'd go to your local disco, get pissed, stand near a girl and end up marrying her.
That was basically it.
That was it.
You know your wife's going to watch this, right? Dress it up a bit, come on.
I met her at work, actually.
Did you meet her at work? Yeah, we went out, I stood near her, got married.
So, proposing.
That's a big romantic moment in life.
That's really when you know you're falling in love.
Take a look at this guy proposing on a private plane.
Pretty swish.
My mum, sort of, accidentally told me that my girlfriend was going to propose to me.
I say accidentally, my girlfriend asked my mum if we could get married.
And my mum, sort of Afterwards, we were having a drink together, and she sort of let me know, she sort of went, "Here, Suze.
Do you think you and Alice are going to get married?" And I went, "Yeah, I hope so.
" She went, "Hmm.
Do you think you'd want to do the proposing?" The only reason she's saying this is because I've got short hair and Alice has got long hair, and she's like, "Oh, she deserves a proposal.
"She's making the effort.
" And I said, "I don't know.
Maybe.
" And Mum went, "If you want to, I'd crack on.
" Did you propose? Did she propose? She proposed.
It was very sweet.
It was in our flat and she suggested She said, "I think we should spend the rest of our lives together.
" I said, "That sounds lovely.
" And then because I knew she was thinking of proposing, so for the last four months, every time she went to tie her shoelaces, I was like, "Yes!" So, yeah, it was really sweet, and we had this really emotional, lovely moment, and then the cat immediately had a shit in the corner.
And I was like, "Oh, and that's life, isn't it?" I'm actually just realising why they put us on separate teams.
They're trying to spread out the gay.
Because it's catching.
Watch out, Harriet.
But they've concentrated the Cockney .
.
in one little corner.
I'm Cock-no, thanks.
I had some disastrous first dates, like, when I started dating.
I had one at uni where I had a date with the girl that was in the room below me, and I thought, "Well, maybe, you know, we'll go back to mine.
" Basically, she called off the date, because an hour before, when she was getting ready, she could hear me hoovering my room.
And she just presumed I was being too presumptuous.
Were you? Presumably you'd just trimmed your pubes? Well, let's see if falling in love is up there.
Of course, falling in love.
Most young people these days try and fall in love online with apps like Tinder.
If you've never used Tinder, think of it as sort of like Deliveroo for chlamydia.
The biggest turn-off for me in a dating profile is when a woman says she's got a couple of kids, and you realise one of them is you.
A quarter of young people think marriage should be a temporary contract, like a mobile phone deal.
It's not a bad idea.
I'd go for unlimited sexts.
I'd like to do a bit of roaming and if I drop her, I'd like an upgrade, no questions asked.
So, those were the top things to do before you're 30, but also on the list, starting a business.
The young woman who lives opposite me has just started her own webcam business.
I'm sure she'll be delighted when she finds out.
At the end of that round, Rob's team are in the lead.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out of 10 Cats, our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Joe, Suzi, what do you like the look of? Oh, the brain? The brain, OK.
According to a recent study, having small electric shocks can improve your memory, so we asked our studio audience What do you think? I've not forgotten anything.
All of it's up there.
Sin, cos, tan, Pythagoras, hypotenuse, protractors.
That sounds like people in your gang.
LAUGHTER Bunsen burners .
.
Bunsen burners, the Tudors LAUGHTER .
.
and, er, throwing bean bags.
LAUGHTER There was a lot of throwing beanbags.
There was a lot of throwing beanbags, more beanbags than Tudor, if you ask me.
LAUGHTER Harriet, do you remember much from school? I remember everything from school, which I think suggests I didn't go to a very good school.
What do you know? Um List the things you know, we've got time.
LAUGHTER Volcanoes, cats, um, hats It sounds like one Dr Seuss book.
.
.
bats.
Did you go to school, Joe? LAUGHTER Yeah.
A long time ago, I did, yeah, I did, a few times.
Was it, like, a class that they had within the LAUGHTER .
.
what I can only assume was a secure unit? Yeah.
Do you remember much from school? You know what, my school weren't really the environment to learn in.
My school was the kind of place LAUGHTER My school was the place I mean, he's an absolute joy, isn't he? He's a bloody joy.
My school "My school weren't really a learning environment".
LAUGHTER My school was the kind of place that, if you needed to go to the toilet, you'd go home, because you wouldn't take the risk of doing it in the school.
It was pretty rough, my school.
It was so rough, you couldn't shit there? LAUGHTER Dotty, what were you like at school? I was the one that got kicked out of the class quite a lot.
Oh, right, OK.
That was me.
I think they weren't challenging me.
LAUGHTER What kind of challenge did you want? I just felt, right, "I don't need this stuff.
" Do you know what I mean? "When am I going to use this?" All the time.
I was Yesterday, I was with a mate, and we had seven apples Right And he said to me, he said, "I want a third of them.
"How are we going to work this out?" But I don't remember.
I can use a Bunsen burner.
But when have you ever had to use that, do you know what I mean? All the time, a friend will come round, cup of tea LAUGHTER .
.
pop it on the Bunsen burner, blue flame.
Rob, can I ask you, you went to a big school, right? Yes.
How many pupils do you reckon, roughly? There was thousands of kids there.
Thousands of kids? Yeah.
How many kids at your school, Josh? Er, there was four in my year.
LAUGHTER And did you know them all? That's the whole year? Yeah.
Were you in a foster home? LAUGHTER Was it definitely a school? I didn't think it was weird, because I just presumed all schools where that small, and then you grow up, and you realise They're not.
.
.
that you're in an Enid Blyton novel.
LAUGHTER No, mate, it wasn't The Famous Four.
Famous Four! LAUGHTER Well, look, they say that school gets you prepared for real life, OK? But at my school, if you didn't have your PE kit, you did it in your pants.
Yeah.
When I started to work at Sainsbury's, if I'd forgotten my uniform .
.
they didn't make me put the yoghurts with my knob out.
LAUGHTER Right, so what do you think? What do you think, yes or no? We're going to go no.
OK, no.
What do you think, Josh? Looking at this audience, they've forgotten everything they learned.
Well, I can tell you the answer is no, 63% of our audience say they haven't forgotten what they learned at school.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done to them.
For a lot of people, school was a waste of time, like, for example, Rob's teachers.
LAUGHTER OK, we are going to attempt a memory test now.
So, there's this theory that getting an electric shock increases your memory.
Joe, Josh.
Come and join me in the middle for the special 8 Out Of 10 Cats memory test.
OK, there are 20 objects under here.
I'm going to show them to you.
All you have to do is memorise them.
Understood? Yeah.
Yeah.
OK.
And now you've been fitted with electric shock pads.
Apparently, electric shocks help your memory.
In fact, I'll give you a little boost now, OK? A little memory boost.
All right, go on.
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES HE CRIES OU Ah, Jimmy, turn it down a little bit.
OK.
Just a little bit.
It made my nipples go hard! We're going to do another test.
Boost your memory.
Here we go.
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Ow! It's nice in a way, though.
Oh, it's not! You like it? OK, let's play the 8 Out Of 10 Cats memory test.
OK, are you ready? You've got 20 seconds to memorise 20 seconds?! .
.
20 objects.
OK, there you go.
All right.
OK, so you've got a tomato, you've got sunglasses.
Yeah.
You've got a rubber glove, you've got a dinosaur, you've got half a Scotch egg, you've got a pizza cutter.
What's this? That's a kazoo.
Kazoo? That's a rubber ducky.
I'd leave that one, Joe.
Wait there one second.
That is it.
It's pretty easy.
Now, all you've got to do is name those 20 objects.
Yeah.
Easy.
OK, you go first.
Kazoo.
OK, Josh, your go.
Kazoo.
No, er ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Argh! Joe, your go.
Orange.
We'll give you that.
Satsuma.
Cheers.
Tomato.
Erm, we had some, erm ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Argh! Oi, Jimmy! You're not allowed to hesitate.
I weren't hesitating, I was about to say it! What would you about to say? I was about to say the little heart glasses.
Dinosaur.
Dinosaur? A dinosaur.
A dice.
Teeth.
Oh, a tea bag.
Correct.
Er, a playing card.
Oh, there was a Which playing card? I know which it was.
Which playing card? Get it wrong.
Go on, buzz him.
Come on, mate! Ten Ow! It was the eight of spades.
Ten of spades.
Eight of spades.
Go on, hit him.
Who got it right? Ow! Oh, Jimmy! Is it my go or your go? A pin.
A blue London bus.
Teeth, teeth, teeth! I've said it! ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Jimmy, let go of it! This is making us sweat! Oh, I can't Oh, no.
no, I can't remember any more.
No ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Ow! Tray.
A tray.
It was all on a tray! It was on a tray.
It was on a tray, yeah.
Joe? Are we still playing? We must have done it by now.
We had a rubber ducky.
Yes.
A pearl necklace.
Yes Don't, Jimmy.
.
.
and we had a rubber glove.
Come on, how am I being beaten by Joe Swash at this? Well, that's Ow! I can't think of any more.
Let me do it to him, Jimmy! No! Let me do it to him.
I'll give you each other's.
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Ow! Stop it! You stop yours! Stop! HORN BLASTS No, he's got both of them, Jimmy! He's got both of them! Take them off of him! Jimmy, it's not fair.
Jimmy! It's not fair! Ow! Jimmy! Ah Ow! I thought I had yours! He done himself! My back's hurting.
OK, at the end of that, you both did really well.
At the end of that, you both did really well.
You each get a point.
Yay! Yay! That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is, is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
What do you think.
Is it when someone at work's got a really annoying laugh? HE MIMICS JIMMY'S LAUGH Is it, when you make the bed, if you put the duvet over the pillows, instead of under it? No, it's not.
Good, because someone tell my fucking girlfriend! Is the most annoying habit leaving droplets on the shower door rather than sponging it down afterwards? What? No, it's not! What is she doing to me? You have to wipe down the shower after you have a shower? Yeah! It's a shower, it cleans itself! Is it not having your method of payment ready when it's time to pay? Oh, yes.
Oh, you'll be queueing up for ages and you get there, and it's like a shock to them.
Like, what did you think you were queueing up for? Harriet, what do you think, the most annoying thing? Is it when someone tags you in a meme and they're like, "It's just like you," but then you look at it and it's nothing like you and you think that no-one knows you at all? I just hate couples holding hands, hugging pavements.
I get annoyed with people when you're walking down the street and they just stop dead.
Yeah! What's that? Normally a stroke.
What do you think, Susie, the most annoying habit? When you send a WhatsApp and you can see that they've read it and they don't respond.
I'll get back to you! Yeah, I don't like WhatsApp.
Everything about it freaks me out.
When you are writing and you know that people can see you're writing, and the pressure gets too much.
Love it, though, when someone's writing for like a minute and then just goes, "Yes.
" You think, how many ways did you try and draft that? Rob? Eating loudly.
Oh, I hate that! Stacey does that.
She eats crisps, like someone's turned the volume up in her mouth.
You know what I mean? What crisp is it? It can affect it, know what I mean? Quavers are a subtle one.
If you go McCoy She's more of a Dorito.
It's a real initial big crunch and then loads of little crunches.
That annoyed me, but I've got over that.
Took me a good couple of years to get over that.
I can deal with that now.
Anything else annoys you about Stacey? She makes me go to bed at like eight in the afternoon.
Eight in the afternoon! No, no In the evening.
You had us at eight in the afternoon.
She goes to bed really early but she makes me go to bed with her, and then she goes to sleep and I'm just sort of sat there, thinking, "Fucking hell, what am I doing here?" Why am I sitting here at like Eight in the afternoon! Let's get some answers.
Most annoying habit.
Being on your phone.
That's it, always being on the phone.
Oh! Yes, the most annoying habit is someone always being on their phone.
Some people are just plain rude on the phone.
My nan called the other day to say, "Help, help, I've fallen down the" And then just went quiet.
I hung up.
I haven't got time for games.
OK, final question.
What do you think? The alphabet.
I still don't know it.
I thought I knew it.
Like, A, B, C, D, E, F, G,, but my daughter's started going to preschool and apparently I don't know it.
The way you teach them, the alphabet's like, "ah, bih, ceh, dih, eh, feh, geh, kuh.
" When it gets to, like a giraffe, and it's like "Gih" forgiraffe? That's the way you've got to teach them.
That seems crazy.
Susie, do you ever pretend to know about anything? I think wine is a classic one of people pretending.
Like, you know, "What's the year?" The only time I'm going to be asking what the year is if I'm so blind drunk I don't know what year it is! People are a bit annoying with healthy eating.
People pretend, like, "Oh, you're doing a diet, "you must eat more kale.
It's so good for you.
So much iron in it.
" If it's got so much iron in it, why aren't these dirty thieves going into my fridge and nicking it? Taking it down the Streatham metal yard, if there's that much iron in it.
Dirty thieves? That's no way to talk about your family! What do you pretend to know about, Joe? Me? I don't think I get away with it any more, so I just stopped pretending.
That checks out.
Harriet? People always pretend to me that they know about art.
Like, everyone's always, like, about Vincent van Gogh, they're, like, The Sunflowers, they're, like, "Oh, it's about the vagaries of time," or something, and I'm, like, "Did you know him? Maybe he just liked yellow.
" I don't know.
I pretended to know what wind is the other day.
Someone asked me what wind was, they said, "Do you know what wind is?" And I said, "Yeah," and then I realised, I don't.
Do you know what it is? Oh, my God, I don't know.
No-one knows.
It's when things blow.
Yeah, I know what wind is, but what causes No-one knows.
What causes wind? We are all walking around pretending we know what wind is.
Is it because the earth's spinning? It's not because the earth's spinning! Joe, what about when there's no wind, have we stopped? At least I'm chucking in some ideas! OK, most common thing people pretend to know about.
Dottie, what do you think? Brexit? Well, Brexit, when people mention it, as well, you go, I can't get into a conversation about this, it changes too often.
That's a good out.
I just piece together headlines that I've read, and try and come up with, like, a coherent sentence.
Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah? Like, oh, the backstop is just .
.
too hot for me.
I think Dottie's, sort of, got it.
Politics? Brexit? That's it.
Yes, the most common thing people pretend to know about is politics.
Everyone should read up about politics, it's incredibly important to know who you pretended to vote for because you slept in on the morning of the election.
BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round, and the end of the show.
I can tell you Rob, Joe, and Susie are tonight's winners! APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us, good night!